a/n: Hello! Oh gosh, I'm sorry to keep you all waiting so long. Thank you MesmerizingMermaid, vain-gl0ry, Fifitape, YaoiLovinKitsune, Miki-mouse716, SenSen-Chan, Koren Flashblade, and kuppcake for your reviews! I hope you all enjoy this chapter, it's a long one!
ch 27: determination
~ One Week Ago ~
Heartbreak was something Heiwa had unfortunately become quite accustomed to. So, although it was hard, she managed to hold back her tears while stomping through the Seireitei, Byakuya's silent rejection still fresh in her mind.
"You knew what I wanted from the start. So tell me what's right about that, Byakuya. Either you took advantage of my naivety to drag out a fling you never intended to take seriously…or you care about me the way I care about you, and you're holding back because you're afraid."
A small part of her had hoped that maybe Byakuya would change his mind. That he'd apologize and beg for forgiveness, for another chance.
But of course, he didn't. He just sat at his desk, silent and stewing, like always.
She hated it. She hated what he'd done to her, hated how he made her feel.
She hated him.
Frustrated and again on the verge of tears, Heiwa marched over to her home. She burst through the doors in quite a huff, glaring at her servant Yuna when she approached.
"Fushido-sama…?"
Yuna's eyes were wide and full of worry. She tentatively held out her hand to take Heiwa's bag. "It's the middle of the day. What are you doing here?"
Heiwa's mind was racing a mile a minute. Truthfully, the last twenty-four hours had left her exhausted. Thinking of Byakuya made her physically ill, but that didn't stop her from picturing his face and hearing him repeat the same damn thing over and over again–
"Fushido-sama?"
Yuna's voice snapped Heiwa out of her thoughts. She stared blankly at Yuna – pretty, kind Yuna. Yuna, who had been there through some of Heiwa's worst days of physical therapy; Yuna, who had become more of a friend than a servant.
Heiwa's mouth struggled to formulate words.
"I…I'm going to my room," she said slowly. She stepped past Yuna, unable to look her in the eye.
"Fushido-sama, wait–"
"I am not to be disturbed," Heiwa ordered. She marched down the hall without another word, not bothering to look back and see the panic on Yuna's face.
She went straight to her bedroom, putting a Kidō barrier on her door so no one could bother her. Then, she collapsed into her bed, tossing aside her prosthesis and screaming into the pillow. Once she'd screamed enough that her voice turned hoarse and her throat burned, she rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling.
She thought of Byakuya — his hair, his eyes, the dimples on his cheeks when he laughed, like really laughed…
She hated him.
Hated his stupid smile and stupid voice and stupid dimples.
Somehow, her mind wandered to less innocent thoughts; the few times their kisses crossed the line of sweet and innocent and melted into something more intense…
She recalled the sensation of Byakuya's lips brushing against hers, sliding down her jaw and neck. His hands, big and strong, holding her hips as she rocked against him. His voice, low and breathy, as he gasped her name—
Heiwa shuddered, her body flushing with heat. Then, she rolled over and buried her face in her pillow again, arousal and shame coursing through her veins. What was wrong with her?! Byakuya had broken her heart, and here she was, having inappropriate thoughts about him like a horny teenager.
…was he thinking about her too?
She hoped so. She hoped he felt as miserable and lonely as she did.
Gods, she felt so hollow.
This was worse than Takuya. It was more humiliating, more heart-wrenching, more infuriating. Once the shock of Takuya's engagement wore off, Heiwa felt more numb than anything else. But Byakuya left her heart pounding, her head spinning, and her body aching.
It was a different type of pain, a worse one.
She knew that she had to forget about him. It was the only way she'd be able to move on. She should transfer…yes, that's right! Honestly, she should've transferred a long time ago, once her feelings for Byakuya shifted from platonic to something more. Maybe she would've never gotten carried and ended up in this situation.
But there was still this…doubt lingering in Heiwa's mind. What if Byakuya just needed time to figure out his feelings? Maybe he'd come crawling back with a hundred apologies and beg for another chance.
But would she even be able to forgive him? He'd used her, humiliated her…tossed aside her feelings like it meant nothing. Could she ever look at him the same way again?
Too many questions. Too many feelings. What was Heiwa supposed to do?
She lost track of time as she lay in bed and contemplated her predicament. Eventually, the sun set, casting an orange glow throughout her bedroom. But she never got up, not even when her grandmother came banging on her door, yelling for Heiwa to let her in.
Hotsu left eventually, and at some point, Heiwa fell asleep. She had a lovely dream, full of laughter, smiles, and sakura petals fluttering around.
She woke up with a gasp, taking a few minutes to collect herself. Groaning, she tumbled out of bed, once again forgetting that she didn't have two legs to stand on. She fell with a thump, cursing and crawling toward her prosthesis she had precariously tossed across the room the day before.
There was a knock on the door. Assuming it was Yuna, Heiwa rolled her eyes and called out, "I'm fine! I don't need–"
"Heiwa-chan, open the door."
The voice wasn't Yuna's – it was too low and hoarse, too blasé. No, that voice belonged to Mayuko, Heiwa's only living great-aunt. What was she doing here?
"Obasan? Why are you–"
"Heiwa-chan, open this door before I get the guards to open it for you."
Face flushed, Heiwa rose to her feet and stumbled to the door. Mayuko stood before her, a glass of wine in her hands despite it being still early in the morning.
"Ahh, there's that pretty face. Tell me, dear, did you sleep well?"
"I, uh–"
Mayuko didn't give her a chance to respond. She stepped forward, draping her thin, bony arm around Heiwa's trembling shoulders. "Heiwa-chan, I think we should have a chat."
Brain still frazzled and struggling to wake up, Heiwa mindlessly followed Mayuko down the hall into an empty room. A few bottles of plum wine – Mayuko's favorite – were already on the table. The older woman didn't hesitate to sit and pour another glass. Heiwa sat across from her, neatly folding her legs and trying not to wince under her withering gaze.
Mayuko said nothing for a long time. She simply drank her wine and watched Heiwa — studying her like a scientist analyzing some specimen under their microscope.
"So, you and Kuchiki Byakuya."
Heiwa was too mortified to respond. It was too early to be having this conversation.
"I must admit, I didn't think you had it in you," Mayuko mused. She took another sip of wine, a bemused smile tugging at her cracked lips.
"But my dear, this failure of yours to…seal the deal. It seems to be becoming a pattern. You really should work on that."
Heiwa's cheeks were aflame in embarrassment. She could hardly look her aunt in the eye. Mayuko had this special talent for making others feel like absolute shit, and right now, Heiwa was her prime target.
"I apologize for causing a scene," she murmured. "My relationship with Byakuya…it's over. I…I'm going to transfer to another division."
Mayuko's brows raised. She was quiet for a moment, contemplating her niece's predicament.
"And you think that's enough?" she asked brusquely.
Now Heiwa's brows raised.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean exactly what I said."
Mayuko poured Heiwa a glass, one that Heiwa stoutly ignored in favor of glaring at her. With a shrug, Mayuko leisurely drank until the glass was empty, then grabbed the bottle to refill it.
"You think transferring is going to fix this? Souls will still gossip. In fact, they will probably gossip more because it'll look like you are running away from your Taichō."
Heiwa bristled, a humiliating ball of shame burning in the pit of her stomach.
"That's not…I'm not…"
She frowned, fidgeting with her hands. She didn't know what to say.
Mayuko eyed the glass of wine before her, a clear suggestion. Too frazzled to really think of anything else, Heiwa frantically took the glass and downed it. If she couldn't escape this situation, she might as well get a little inebriated to dull her feelings about it.
Mayuko observed Heiwa, her wine-stained lips pursed as she considered her niece's words. "Heiwa-chan, I'm going to give you some advice."
She took another sip of wine and sighed, "You're crippled, unmarried, and frankly, unwanted."
Heiwa stared at her aunt, completely shocked by her blunt apathy.
"I—"
Mayuko raised her hand and continued, "Most importantly, you're a woman living in a man's world. While you do have some influence because of our family's standing and your position as a Shinigami, at the end of the day, your only job is to marry well and continue the family line."
She paused to pick up the bottle again and gestured for Heiwa to push her glass forward. Her eyes were misty and strangely conflicted as she watched the wine pour out.
"You will never have the respect or authority that Kuchiki Byakuya does. He's a Captain, head of a Great Noble Clan, and, more importantly — a man. He can push off marriage and play around with you behind closed doors, and he will suffer no consequence because of who he is. You do not have the same luxury."
Guilt and shame curdled in Heiwa's gut. Everything Mayuko said was true, and it was a truth Heiwa herself had realized from the start but was unwilling to confront.
And look where that had gotten her.
Her hands slowly cupped her glass and lifted it towards her lips — Mayuko had filled it nearly to the brim. She drank it slowly. She had nothing to say.
In the silence that followed, Mayuko gave her a placating smile.
"Your grandmother will never push you into marriage because she doesn't care for politics. But I do, so I will say this for a final time: every day you push off marriage is another day your reputation sours, and our family's strength wanes."
Mayuko took the wine bottle and filled her glass once more. Then, she glared at Heiwa. If there had been any sort of sympathy in her eyes before, it was gone now.
"Transferring is merely the first step you should take. If you want to fix this mess caused by your own naivety, I strongly urge you to do the right thing. Put Byakuya out of your mind and find a husband immediately. You will set a wedding date, put a smile on your face, and make your family proud."
She then rose to her feet, her eyes bloodshot and slow to focus on the door. Then, she left.
Heiwa merely stared at the wall for a while. If she'd been conflicted before, Mayuko's talk had only made it worse.
Was that truly the right thing to do? Her family had been begging her to marry for well over a year now, and after her party last night and her last conversation with Byakuya, it was clear that he wasn't a viable candidate and never would be.
Tears welled in her eyes.
She really fucked up this time.
At least with Takuya, she could blame her naivety and his obliviousness as the reasons they didn't work out. Maybe if she'd confessed her feelings to him sooner, things might have turned out differently.
(She knew in her heart it wouldn't have.)
But she thought things were different with Byakuya. It certainly felt different. She'd opened up and shown him a side of her she rarely let anyone else see, and in turn, he'd done the same. They'd kissed, laughed together, held hands…
And the way he'd look at her…with complicated but utterly clear desire in his eyes. No one had ever looked at her like that before. Not to mention, he was the one who initiated things between them at Takuya's wedding.
That was only a few weeks ago. Has their time together as a couple really been that short? Did she even have a reason to be upset that it ended so abruptly?
Maybe it only felt that way because they'd been friends for so long. She couldn't quite place when her feelings for him started to grow, but she'd had them for quite some time and suspected it was the same for Byakuya. Perhaps that's why this messy dissolution felt all the more devastating.
But was it only devastating to her?
Was she the only one mourning what they could've been?
Heiwa wanted, so badly, to believe that Byakuya regretted his actions — that he regretted hurting her. But in the end, it didn't matter how he felt. What mattered was what he planned to do about it, and it was obvious that the answer was "nothing".
This absolutely could not become a repeat of the Takuya situation. Heiwa may be heartbroken, but she couldn't let it affect her anymore.
If Byakuya's friendship and affection had torn down her walls, then she would simply rebuild them, higher and stronger.
Like the walls of the Fushido estate protecting its sacred lavender fields, Heiwa would make sure that no one could access her most precious possession — her wounded and bleeding heart.
~X~
Fushido Hotsu was having a busy day. Since Heiwa refused to speak with her, she'd spent the day visiting multiple noble families to repair the damage done by the…altercation at her granddaughter's birthday party.
Although Hotsu hated politics, she was good at it – she'd had decades of experience sipping tea and skirting around uncomfortable conversations with nuance and grace. She hadn't been planning to spend so much time out, but the rumors of what happened at Heiwa's party were devastating and widespread, so she sought to quell them at the source – the nobles who had witnessed it firsthand.
It was a long list, but eventually, Hotsu gave her final smile to another nosy aunty and then made her way home. She was tired but also hopeful that Heiwa would finally talk to her and explain what the hell was going on.
When Hotsu entered the premises, a servant rushed up to her, looking frantic.
"Fushido-sama, a family meeting has been called. Your granddaughter is requesting the presence of the elders."
Hotsu was a bit alarmed by the news. She hadn't even had a chance to speak with Heiwa. She hadn't the faintest idea why she would be summoning the elders…
Perhaps it had to do with Kuchiki Byakuya. Memories of the party filled Hotsu's head — glasses shattering on the floor, tears filling Heiwa's eyes, and panic flashing across the Captain's stoic face.
Hotsu wasn't dense. She knew what was going on between Byakuya and her granddaughter. Heiwa might've thought no one was wiser, but Hotsu had seen firsthand how the light returned to her eyes, and her smiles were brighter than ever. Not to mention, she'd turn red as a tomato whenever Byakuya's name was brought up.
So when Heiwa abruptly ended her birthday party with tears in her eyes, Hotsu knew something was very wrong.
Now, Hotsu wasn't usually the type to eavesdrop and gossip. But this was her granddaughter – the only living reminder she had of her dearly departed son. The baby that she had raised as though she were her own. Hotsu had a soft spot for Heiwa, and everyone knew it.
She felt like a teenager again, sneaking around and following the two as they tried to go somewhere secluded. Her poor shriveled heart was pounding when she heard the dreadful words leave Byakuya's lips, muffled through the shoji door but intelligible nonetheless.
"I will never marry you."
Ugh. Men.
It didn't matter how old they were. Most of them were hopeless, and Hotsu learned that long ago.
She nearly got caught when Heiwa left the room in a huff, practically running down the hall. Hotsu spent almost an hour banging on her bedroom door, desperate to comfort her granddaughter, but she never got any response.
She wanted to believe that, given time, the two would calm down and come to a peaceful resolution. But if Byakuya was any bit as stubborn as Heiwa, it was unlikely to happen soon.
As Hotsu maneuvered through the halls of her ancestral home, her mind raced with possibilities. Perhaps she was wrong, and the two had made up already? Maybe Heiwa was formally announcing their courtship? That would certainly be a pleasant surprise.
But when Hotsu entered the room and saw the stony expression on Heiwa's face, she knew that wasn't the case.
"Obaachan," Heiwa greeted politely. "I'm glad you're finally home. Please, sit."
Hotsu glanced around the room. All the elders were here — Mokichi, Reisa, Mayuko, and Sanjuro. They acknowledged Hotsu's presence before averting their attention back to Heiwa. Hotsu sat beside Sanjuro and waited, a sense of dread growing in her stomach.
Heiwa cleared her throat and spoke with a clear, calm voice.
"Let's get straight to the point, shall we? Soon, I will be transferring out of the Sixth Division—"
Hotsu frowned.
"—and I intend to marry as soon as possible."
…
What?
Hotsu's sentiment seemed to resonate throughout the room. The elders murmured in confusion, except for Mayuko, who had an irritatingly self-satisfied smirk on her face.
Sanjuro spoke up, "Why are you transferring out of the Sixth? The Shinigami in our family have served that division for generations. Why—"
"I understand your concern," Heiwa said with a strained smile. "And while I have nothing but respect for our family traditions, there's simply nothing left for me to learn in the Sixth. There is no path for advancement, considering our lieutenant has achieved Bankai and plans to remain in the position for the foreseeable future. I'm still working out the details, but I intend to transfer to a division with better opportunities."
What a load of shit.
Hotsu inhaled sharply and tried not to let her frustration show on her face. She could understand if Heiwa was transferring to avoid a conflict of interest because of her relationship with Byakuya. While it wasn't unusual for members of the same division to be courting or married, Heiwa wasn't the sort to work in an environment where her authority could be challenged — and the intricacies of dating your superior were difficult to navigate.
But if that were the case, she would've just said that, not any of this "lack of advancement" bullshit. That could only mean she and Byakuya had not resolved anything since the party, and that had Hotsu gravely concerned.
The other elders also looked skeptical of this reasoning, but Heiwa brushed over it and went on, "I know that I have been rather…opposed to the prospect of marriage."
They all hummed in agreement.
"But I assure you, I have seen the error of my ways. I intend to put aside my emotions and focus on fulfilling my duty to this family."
This was wrong. Hotsu had worked hard to ensure the others did not pressure Heiwa into marriage before she was ready. Why hadn't she come to Hotsu to talk about this privately? Why is she suddenly so determined to secure a marriage?
Hotsu felt uneasy. This was not what she wanted for her granddaughter.
The other elders seemed relieved by Heiwa's declaration. No surprise there — they've been begging her to get married for well over a year now.
"Do you have any suitors?" Mayuko asked, her words slightly slurred and a strange smile tugging at her lips. Either she was drunk or simply found the situation's awkwardness amusing.
Knowing Mayuko, it was probably both.
Heiwa clenched her jaw, her smile faltering for a split second. She shook her head slowly.
"Not at the moment. But I assure you, I have a plan. All I need is some time. A few weeks at the most. But I promise I will have a proposal secured by the end of the month."
She paused and took a short breath. She was fidgeting with her hands.
"If not, I will accept any suitor you choose for me. No questions asked."
Hotsu clenched her jaw and tried to make sure her expression did not reveal the disappointment she felt at this moment. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her granddaughter in her arms and take her away from these people who only saw her as a political tool to facilitate their power.
Heiwa finally looked at her, and it was then that Hotsu caught a glimpse of the doubt she felt. Her eyes, so big and bright, were dulled by the force of her emotions.
Hotsu lowered her gaze and sighed.
The meeting ended soon after that. Hotsu rushed over to her granddaughter, pulling her away from the others and glaring at anyone who tried to approach. She brought her out into the hall and squeezed her shoulder.
"Heiwa…what is going on?"
Heiwa stubbornly stared at her feet. "I'm just fulfilling my duty," she muttered.
"I understand why you want to transfer, but marriage? What really happened with Byakuya? What is this plan you're talking about?"
Hotsu's chest seized with concern as Heiwa's face twisted. She said nothing for a moment before taking a deep breath and forcing a painful, strained smile.
"Don't worry about me, Obaachan. You've cared for me my whole life, but it's time I take care of you and this family."
She kissed Hotsu on the cheek, squeezing her hands before walking away.
For once, Hotsu was speechless. She knew there would be no changing Heiwa's mind — she was just as stubborn as her father. For better or worse, once their minds were set, there would be no talking them out of anything.
All Hotsu could do was be there for her granddaughter and hope that whatever she had planned, it would work out.
~X~
The next day – it was the next day, right? – Heiwa was about to drag herself out of bed when she sensed it:
Byakua's reiatsu.
Here.
He was at her house. Why was he at her house? Did Renji not process her time-off request? Did Byakuya simply not care?
Was he here to apologize?
The idea terrified her. She couldn't face him, not like this.
With a quickness near the speed of Shunpō, Heiwa put on her prosthesis and changed her clothes. Concealing her reiatsu, she snuck out of the house through the servant passages, climbing over the walls at the back of the estate and heading towards –
Well, she didn't really know. She couldn't go to the barracks. She also couldn't wander the main areas of the Seireitei without the risk of running into someone she knew.
So Heiwa simply…walked.
She walked towards the outskirts of the Seireitei until she was far from the barracks of the Gotei 13. It was nothing more than houses and scattered storefronts. She found a bar, a seedy-looking one – well, as seedy as one could be in the Seireitei (if she wanted something rickety and rundown, she would've gone to Rukongai).
Despite being bright enough outside to make Heiwa squint, the inside of the bar was dark and dingy. Only a few people were inside, and no one stopped to stare at her as she made her way to the counter. She hopped on a chair and waited for the bartender, tracing random patterns on the worn-out wood with her finger.
"What'll you be having?" a gruff voice called out.
Heiwa raised her head, taking in the appearance of the Soul before her. He was a worn-out man of middling age, wearing an eyepatch that somehow added to his sour expression.
She sighed.
"Just some saké, please."
The man grunted and grabbed a bottle behind the counter. He poured a glass without saying a word, which she was thankful for. She wasn't in the mood to talk, and he seemed to get that.
The time passed in a blur. Heiwa slowly drank her way through a few bottles of saké. She didn't want to be so inebriated that she couldn't function – she just wanted to dull her senses for a while. A handful of people tried to initiate a conversation with her, but she'd ignore them or snap insults until they left.
It wasn't a pleasant way to pass the time, but it was better than wallowing at home. At home, she could only think of the days spent in Byakuya's company, enjoying the lavender fields or drinking tea – the occasional kiss, light and airy, pressed quickly against her lips before anyone saw them.
Fuck.
Guess it didn't matter where she was. She was bound to end up thinking of him anyway.
She drank some more. She downed her glasses faster. Her head got all fuzzy, and her vision was blurry at the edges.
This wasn't so bad. Heiwa didn't usually like going to bars — wallowing in the dark and drinking beer just wasn't her thing. She usually only went if her friends invited her.
Hm. Her friends.
It's been a while since she saw them. Minari was still busier than ever heading the Third Division, so Heiwa didn't like to bother her for anything. She'd seen Gokaru a week or so ago, but it was just in passing — he'd made kissing noises in her direction, and she promptly ignored him. And Toranami…
Heiwa had invited her to her birthday party, but she got called away on a mission at the last minute. It was probably for the best. She was sure that Toranami would eventually hear from someone about what happened. After all the advice she'd given Heiwa about following her heart, Heiwa wasn't exactly keen on seeing her anytime soon.
Deep down, Heiwa knew her friends would try to talk her out of this.
Not transferring – that they'd probably agree with. But they'd freak out if they learned she intended to marry soon. They'd tell her she was making a huge mistake and just needed time to get over Byakuya. They'd say rushing into a marriage would only lead to a lifetime of regret.
But Heiwa didn't want to hear it. They weren't the ones dealing with heartbreak; she was. And besides, what did they know about her responsibilities to her family? Even Toranami, a noblewoman like her, had a convenient way to avoid marriage. She was a girl in a family full of boys, she wasn't the eldest child, and she was gay.
Ugh. Lucky bitch.
Heiwa stewed in these self-deprecating thoughts. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, but it was dark outside now. Someone tapped her shoulder and whispered something in her ear. She turned to glare at them–
It was a tall, thin man with long dark hair tumbling over his shoulders. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was her broken heart, but he looked an awful lot like Byakuya.
For that reason alone, Heiwa slapped his hand away and spat at his feet. The man scoffed, clearly disgusted, but didn't stop her as she got out of her chair and walked towards the door.
It was dark outside. Oh wait, she knew that already. Hmm.
She wandered home, but it took her an awful long time. She kept getting lost between the endless rows of apartments and houses. Occasionally, she'd stop in front of a dark alley and just stare – wondering if someone was about to pop out and grab her. Her family had always warned her not to wander late at night. Even though it was the Seireitei, not Rukongai, she was still a woman, and the dark was never a safe place for a woman.
Eventually, she called out to Hanahaki. Her Zanpakutō's voice sounded crankier than usual, but she followed it until she somehow ended up in front of the grand gates of the Fushido estate.
Her grandmother was waiting for her, looking more disappointed than she'd ever seen.
"Where have you been?"
"I've been…out," Heiwa groaned, skirting around Hotsu and wobbling into the house.
"Obviously. What have you been doing all day?"
Shit, her head was spinning again.
"Just…you know, working on my plan."
Hotsu laughed dryly. She followed after Heiwa, her cane thumping painfully loud on the floorboards with every step.
"Ah yes, your plan. Does this plan involve drinking yourself to death?"
Heiwa shrugged, struggling to remember the way back to her room. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Hotsu didn't respond, but Heiwa could feel her eyes boring a hole in the back of her skull. She tried to ignore her and focus on not falling over. She just had to turn the corner here and— wait. That's not right. There's supposed to be a door right there…shit. Why were there so many hallways in this damn house…
Hotsu sighed and grabbed Heiwa's hand. Wordlessly, she led Heiwa down the hall and to the left. Oh yes, she was supposed to turn left here and then go right—
They walked a bit further, and soon, Heiwa's bedroom was in sight. Hotsu opened the door for her and watched in dismay as Heiwa slumped face-first into the futon, her body limp like a ragdoll. The room was spinning, and a weird sensation was brewing in her stomach…
"Your Taichō came looking for you."
Heiwa's chest seized painfully. She almost forgot about that.
Hotsu waited for a response that never came. She clicked her tongue. "I told him you were busy. With that grand plan of yours."
"Mmmph."
"What was that?"
Heiwa raised her head, just barely — "Thanks."
She flopped back onto the bed.
Silence enveloped the room — well, not complete silence. Heiwa's ears were ringing, but besides that, it was relatively quiet. Peaceful, even.
Until Hotsu cleared her throat and said, "Heiwa, I don't know what you're planning, but…please, think carefully before you make a decision you might regret."
Regret.
Pfft. Heiwa had enough regret to last a lifetime.
She sat up, whirling around to glare at her grandmother.
"The only thing I regret," she hissed, "was ever opening my heart to someone. Love is just…just a fairytale for people like me. It does nothing but leave the door wide open for someone to hurt you."
Tears gathered in the corner of her eyes, and she turned her face away.
"I'm done with being hurt…with getting my heart trampled on. Love is a luxury I can't afford, not in this lifetime. If I can't have love, I'll settle for the next best thing — respect. Authority."
She wiped her face, sniffling and breathing heavily.
"I'm the head of this fucking family, and my only job — my only real job, is to marry and have children."
"Heiwa," Hotsu croaked, "that's not—"
"No! I don't care. I don't care."
She stood shakily, facing Hotsu with tear-stained cheeks and a fraying smile.
"You told me that you never loved your husband, and look! You turned out fine. I'll be fine, Obaachan. I don't need love. I just need a partner to help me lead this family."
Hotsu's face fell, her expression contorting in distress.
"Heiwa…"
A sound more akin to a sob than a laugh came bubbling out of Heiwa's throat. She shook her head, her gaze falling to her grandmother's feet.
"Obaachan, please. Don't try to talk me out of this. Just…just let me do it."
Hotsu was quiet for a frighteningly long time. Her eyes were full of despair, her heart breaking at the sad sight before her. The longer the silence went, the harder Heiwa began to cry until she fell to her knees, head in her hands and body shaking from her sobs.
Thin and frail arms enveloped her. Cold, bony hands rested on her back, moving in slow, smooth circles.
Hotsu said nothing as Heiwa cried. She merely sat there with her.
And for now, that was enough.
~X~
Heiwa spent the next few days trying to figure out a plan of action. She had two goals: find a division she could transfer to and find a husband.
One was significantly easier than the other, so she started there.
She didn't have many options between the thirteen squads. As far as she knew, none needed a third seat, so she'd either be demoted to a lower rank (unacceptable) or accepted as a co-third seat (not ideal, but acceptable).
It would be difficult, but she was sure she could convince someone to take her in. Even without a recommendation from Byakuya, her success in the Sixth Division spoke for itself.
Returning to the Seventh Division was out of the question. She still liked Captain Komamura but couldn't bear working with Gokaru and Toranami again. She couldn't go to the Third or Thirteenth Divisions for the same reason. Both had people she wanted to avoid – Minari and Rukia.
The Fifth was tempting – but she found Hirako-taichō strange. His lackadaisical nature seemed at odds with his distant and wary attitude towards most Shinigami. It made her uncomfortable.
She wouldn't necessarily mind the Fourth, but her Kidō wasn't impressive enough to warrant her a high-ranking seat. Plus, she liked being in the middle of the action, not on the sidelines waiting to heal the fallen.
Hmm…the Eighth Division?
That…wouldn't be entirely impossible.
As far as Heiwa knew, Enjōji Tatsufusa was still the third seat. But Kyōraku-taichō was notoriously lazy and susceptible to manipulation of the feminine sort…
Flirting. He loved to flirt, and Heiwa might be able to use that to her advantage. It was no secret that Kyōraku-taichō liked pretty girls, and he wanted a division full of them. He was also allergic to paperwork, so he'd be more likely to agree if she came to him with her transfer request requiring nothing more than his signature.
Yes, this was a good plan. Heiwa hadn't interacted with Kyōraku-taichō much, but he was surely easy to get along with. Plus, she saw Nanao-fukutaichō at every Women's Association meeting, and she admired the lieutenant. She was confident they could work well together.
Yes, this was good. Finalizing a transfer would take a few weeks, but the Eighth was her best bet at getting away from Byakuya without demoting herself. She could begin the process once she returned to the office. She'd spend a few days wooing Kyōraku-taichō and then get Byakuya to sign her transfer request – which, why wouldn't he? She's sure he wanted her gone just as much as she wanted to be gone.
That left one problem – the much bigger problem.
How in the hell was Heiwa going to find someone to marry her?
She'd insulted, laughed at, and ignored every man who deigned to show her any modicum of interest. Even Tosa Takeo, the only truly decent man she'd entertained, would be an idiot to offer her his hand.
She couldn't ask her family for help. She knew they already exhausted their connections trying to set her up with every acceptable nobleman they could think of.
Besides knocking on every noble family's door and begging to speak with any males in the house, Heiwa didn't know what to do now. Usually, the men of the house sorted out these arrangements, but Heiwa didn't trust any of her relatives to do this without screwing her over.
But…there was one man who could do something for her. A man who owed her. He wasn't a relative, but he had more influence than anyone in her family.
Heiwa hated this idea…but she didn't have much choice.
"Yuna," she called out, her voice echoing through the bathroom. This was her fourth depression bath of the week, but she was determined to make it her last.
"Grab my clothes. I'm going out."
~X~
Tsuzawa Takuya's day had been full of meetings, consultations, and finance evaluations. When he took on the clan head role, he had no idea it would be full of so much bureaucratic bullshit.
He stared at the paperwork before him, wondering how someone like Kuchiki-taichō could do this and run an entire division of the Gotei 13. Did that man ever sleep?
There was a knock on the door.
Thank gods. He'll take any excuse to stop looking at all the numbers in front of him right now.
"Come in."
One of the house servants entered, looking oddly distressed. "Tsuzawa-sama, I apologize for intruding. Someone is requesting to speak with you."
Takuya sighed with relief. "Perfect! Are they waiting by the door?"
The servant's eye twitched. "Uh, the tea room, actually, but–"
"I'll be right there," he interjected. He shot out of his chair and hurried out of the room, the servant following him.
"Um, Tsuzawa-sama," the servant called out, "I should warn you–"
"About what?" Takuya asked as he rounded the corner. The servant struggled to keep up with his long strides.
"Well, the person here to see you–"
Takuya didn't wait before prying open the shoji screen in the tea room. His heart dropped when he saw who was waiting on the other side.
Fushido Heiwa sat on the tatami floor, gingerly sipping on some tea. She glanced in his direction, not looking nearly as frazzled as Takuya felt.
"Hello, Takuya," she said softly. "I'm sorry to bother you in the middle of the day."
It took Takuya a moment to collect himself. The last time he saw Heiwa was at his wedding, but he hadn't spoken to her for months. So what was she doing here?
"Uh…it's okay," Takuya said. He turned to the servant squirming behind him and gestured for them to leave. The servant sighed and closed the door.
Heiwa didn't look at him as he sat across from her. She moved to take the tea kettle and pour him a cup, but he raised a hand to stop her.
"You don't have to do that," he said, lifting the kettle and serving himself. Heiwa watched his hands, chewing on her bottom lip and refusing to look him in the eyes.
They sat there for a minute, awkwardly drinking their tea. It felt so…strange. Once upon a time, Takuya could tell exactly what she was thinking. But now, she felt more like a stranger to him.
Desperate to break the silence, he muttered, "Um, happy birthday, by the way."
He didn't miss how Heiwa's brow twitched and her lips pressed into a thin line.
"I'm sorry I missed your party. I was…busy."
Heiwa laughed forcefully, a strained smile plastered on her face as she set down her tea. "You don't have to apologize. I'm sure you heard about what happened anyway."
Takuya's heart sank. Of course, he'd heard — the whole Seireitei had heard.
Honestly, he didn't want to believe it. Heiwa and Kuchiki-taichō? That was just asking for trouble. Everyone knew the man would never marry again, and that horrible thing Masashi said?
It was cruel, but…was it untrue? Takuya didn't think so. Byakuya could have anyone he wanted. So, if he wanted Heiwa, he would've staked his claim. But he didn't, which meant only one thing in Takuya's eyes: he was using her.
Takuya studied Heiwa's face – she had dark bags under her eyes, and the tip of her nose was red, which meant she'd done a lot of crying and hardly any sleeping. His gaze shifted to her hands, fidgeting with her cup. He could see faint scratches along the sides of her fingers, and he sighed. When stressed, she had a bad habit of scratching and picking skin.
Takuya wanted to hold her tiny pale hands between his own and comfort her…but that wasn't his place anymore.
"Heiwa-chan," he murmured, "I don't want to pry, but…you and Kuchiki-taichō? Is it really true?"
Heiwa flinched, blinking rapidly. Her shoulders tensed up, and she looked like she wanted to be anywhere else. It was all the answer he needed.
He sighed and shook his head. "Oh, Heiwa-chan…what were you thinking? He's your boss…he's never going to–"
"I didn't come here for relationship advice," Heiwa snapped. Her tone indicated there would be no arguing. "And my relationship with Kuchiki-taichō, professional or otherwise, is…private. I didn't come here to talk about him."
Pain prickled in Takuya's chest. It was obvious something had happened between the Shinigami; otherwise, she wouldn't be so defensive about it.
"You're right," he said softly. "I'm sorry."
They stewed in uncomfortable silence. Eventually, Takuya cleared his throat and asked, "Well, what did you want to talk about?"
Somehow, his question caused Heiwa to look even more uncomfortable. She squirmed, fidgeting with her hands for a moment before hiding them in her lap.
"I need a favor."
Takuya's brows shot up. "A favor? What…what kind of favor?"
Heiwa's lips pressed into a thin line, and her eyes turned cold.
"I need to get married."
"…okay?"
"I need you to help me find a husband."
Takuya blanked. He wasn't sure what he expected her to say, but it certainly wasn't…that.
"I, uh…I'm not sure I understand…"
Frustrated, Heiwa set down her tea and leaned forward, her voice straining.
"I've rejected every man who's offered to court me. Every. Single. One."
Takuya gulped. That was…quite a feat.
"My family used every connection to find someone for me, and I spit in their face for it. I'm out of options, Takuya. I need you to get me some options."
Takuya started to sweat. He'd never been good at politics. He didn't have a keen eye or silver tongue to aid him in the sort of subtle manipulation most noblemen employed. In his mind, it was best to be straightforward about what you want, but since stepping up as head of the family, he's learned that doesn't work well in this kind of environment.
He grimaced and avoided eye contact. "Heiwa-chan, I…I'm not sure what I can do for you."
Heiwa glared at him, her nose scrunching up the way it always did when she was annoyed.
"Takuya, you're theHead of the Tsuzawa Clan. You have more influence in your pinky toe than most men have in their whole body. If you want something, you will get it."
To anyone else, such a statement would be a compliment. But Takuya didn't like it — all the power and authority he had. It felt more like a burden than a blessing, even on a good day. He just wasn't meant to be a leader.
His older brother Soshi had been much better at these sorts of things: under-the-table deals, secret handshakes and such. Soshi understood that people didn't usually mean what they said, and what they wanted wasn't always what they needed.
He missed Soshi. Soshi would probably do this for Heiwa. But Takuya…he's not so sure he can.
"I, I just…" He stammered, desperate to avoid any conflict this would inevitably bring. "You expect me to, what? Order someone to marry you? Heiwa-chan, I…I can't do that."
Anger flashed through her eyes, bright like lightning. Her face turned to stone, her voice low and eerily calm.
"Yes, you can. It's pretty simple Takuya; you find someone — someone respectable — and you make them a deal. They do you this favor now, and you will do them one later. It's not that hard."
Heiwa was like Soshi; she understood politics and manipulation. Maybe a little too well. Sure, she was a bit rough around the edges – a little too mean, a little too cold. But when it came down to it, she had the type of steely confidence that made it difficult to say no.
Takuya sighed.
"But…why?"
Heiwa blinked. "Why?"
"Yes. Why do you need me to do this for you?"
Her face twisted – a contortion of pain, anger, and disappointment.
"You know why."
Despite being over a foot taller, Takuya felt so small beneath the intensity of Heiwa's glare. His breath caught in his throat, a familiar sensation of guilt and regret prickling his fingertips.
"I…I don't—"
Heiwa's frown deepened. Her cheeks flushed brilliant red, and – hmm, it's been a while since he's seen her look this…angry.
"Takuya," she said slowly. "I'm not mad that you broke my heart…but I do hate that you keep acting oblivious to it."
Her words cut into Takuya's soft squishy insides like the rough edge of a chipped blade. He had no words – no excuse that could justify the heartache he knew he put her through.
He still tried though.
"I just didn't want to ruin our friendship," he said weakly.
Heiwa was less than impressed.
"If you were really my friend, you would've been straight with me instead of acting like everything was fine when it wasn't. I'm a grown woman, not a china doll. I mean, for fuck's sake." She gritted her teeth. "I kissed you, Takuya! I may have been drunk, but you weren't. And you didn't say anything…do you understand how embarrassing this has been for me?"
Takuya knew he had a habit of coddling people and avoiding difficult conversations. He did it with his sister Toranami and even more so with Heiwa. It was just…hard for him to acknowledge that Heiwa wasn't the same lonely little orphan girl he met in the lavender fields years ago.
He could try to apologize, but what could he say, really? He humiliated her, unintentionally, but then he acted like nothing happened. It was shameful.
He lowered his head, trying and failing to come up with what to say. After a minute, he cleared his throat, reaching for his tea. He took a small sip, his fingers tapping impatiently against the lip of the cup.
"If I do this for you," he mumbled, "will you forgive me? Do you think…we could be friends again?"
Heiwa stared at him. Her face was blank save for the minuscule twitch of her mouth. She was surprised by his question. She leaned forward, her hand reaching across the table to gently squeeze his wrist.
"Takuya, please," she whispered. "I need this."
Despite how she carefully avoided his question, Takuya couldn't tear himself away from the naked desperation in her eyes.
Was it really his job to take care of her? The last time they spoke, she wanted nothing more to do with him. Anyone else would see her plea as manipulative, and maybe it was — but Takuya couldn't see that past his own blinding guilt.
He had to do whatever he could to make things easier for her.
"Okay," he sighed. "Okay…I'll do it."
~X~
Heiwa returned to work the following week. Even though her heart was aching, she still held her head high. The noblemen continued to whisper about her when they thought she couldn't hear, but she didn't let it faze her.
Even when she found herself face-to-face with Byakuya, she managed to maintain her composure. Her heart wanted to jump out of her chest, but she held it under lock and key, not giving anything away.
It got easier as the days went by. Heiwa tried not to give her coworkers any reason to suspect she felt something for Byakuya, be it animosity or…anything else.
Soon enough, they stopped gossiping. Only Renji and nosy little Biran continued to badger her with questions - "What's going on with you and taichō?" "Any idea why taichō's been in such a bad mood lately?" "Why are you smiling like that? It looks painful."
But her coworkers were the least of her problems. Heiwa needed to transfer out of the Sixth, but she didn't want to begin a formal request until she was sure the Eighth would take her. That meant speaking with Kyōraku-taichō – but that was turning out to be more difficult than she anticipated.
She tried to go the formal route and schedule a meeting with him, but he was never available! Every day was apparently "booked up" – though with what, Heiwa couldn't imagine. Surely, he couldn't be that busy.
After failing to nail down a meeting for the third time in a row, Heiwa was fed up. If he wouldn't set up a time and place, she'd simply make herself unavoidable.
With the proper paperwork in tow, Heiwa marched over to the Eighth Division barracks. It wasn't exactly a long walk, but it was one of the farther divisions. By the time she reached the main building, she'd lost most of her bluster. Still, she'd come this far, and she wouldn't go back empty-handed.
Heiwa maneuvered through the open corridors and headed to Kyōraku's office. She's been there occasionally to drop off paperwork, although she rarely ever saw the Captain himself. It was usually his bookish lieutenant who handled the majority of his caseload. But today, Nanao seemed to be nowhere in sight.
Heiwa could feel Kyōraku's immense spiritual pressure lurking just beyond the grandiose doors of his office. She looked back and forth down the hall, searching for Nanao or perhaps another officer who could announce her presence.
But…there was no one.
Heiwa tapped her foot impatiently, weighing the options in her head. Should she just walk into his office? To do so was certainly a breach of protocol, but then again, Kyōraku-taichō didn't seem like he cared much for protocol. And she simply didn't have time to wait around.
Straightening her shoulders, Heiwa confidently opened the door and strutted into the room. She was immediately hit in the face with the stench of alcohol. Grimacing, she found the culprit to be the Captain himself, nursing a bottle of sake in his arms as he lay on a couch in the center of the room. More bottles – whether empty or unopened, she couldn't tell from here – littered the surface of a nearby table.
Confidence waning, Heiwa cleared her throat and announced, "Kyōraku-taichō, I've come to discuss an important matter with you."
Kyōraku took far too long to sit up and acknowledge her. He studied her for a moment, probably trying to put a name to her face. His eyes eventually lit up in recognition.
"Ahh, Fushido Heiwa. What's got you here in a huff?"
"I'm not–" Heiwa stopped herself and shook her head. "Kyōraku-taichō, I've been trying to contact you for several weeks to schedule an appointment–"
"Yes, my lieutenant was supposed to let you know I'm unavailable. Seems that message didn't get through."
He sized her up before smiling lazily. "Well, you're here now. What can this old man do for you?"
Perturbed by his nonchalance, Heiwa approached and set her paperwork on the table before him. Reciting the words in her head, she explained, "I've come to inquire about a transfer. I'd like to become your Third Seat, if you would have me. Despite a medical injury several months ago, I've maintained a near-spotless record at the Sixth. I'm a high-ranking officer with many successful missions under my belt, and I have plenty of experience mentoring new recruits–"
As she prattled on, Kyōraku watched her with a fond expression. He eyed the file before him but didn't move to examine it, which irked her. Wasn't he going to verify the validity of her claims? What if she had been making everything up? He's supposed to be invested in the caliber of his officers!
When he raised the bottle of sake to his lips, she'd had enough.
"Am I boring you?" she blurted out.
"Hardly." Kyōraku quirked his brow, regarding her in a way that reminded her more of a relative than a superior.
"I appreciate your gusto, and it's pretty clear you went through a lot of trouble to meet with me. But I'm afraid that the position of Third is already filled."
Then, Kyōraku tilted his head back and adjusted his hat to cover his face as he draped himself across the couch.
What the…was he preparing for a nap? But it's only ten…
Heiwa frowned and cleared her throat.
"Yes, well, there is precedent for multiple Shinigami holding the same seat. It's more common for the lower ranks but not unheard of for a Fifth-Seat or higher."
Kyōraku lifted his hat just enough to peer at her, grinning wryly.
"My my, you've thought about this a lot, haven't you, Heiwa-chan?"
Heiwa bristled at his unsolicited familiarity. She didn't respond, awkwardly glaring at the wall instead.
Kyōraku seemed to find her discomfort amusing. He took a moment before he spoke again, his tone shifting to something more curious than teasing.
"You've been at the Sixth for a while, right? Why so eager to leave your beloved Kuchiki-taichō?"
Heiwa got the impression he was well aware of what had gone on between her and Byakuya. No doubt, the rumors had reached every corner of the Gotei 13.
"This has nothing to do with him," she huffed. It was a bare-faced lie, but if she said it with enough conviction, perhaps it would come off as believable.
Kyōraku's brows raised, and his grin turned somewhat pitying.
"If you say so."
She watched as he slowly righted his sprawling form. He reached for another bottle of sake — was her presence that bothersome?
He poured another glass, not bothering to apologize or clean up when it overflowed and a bit splashed onto the table. To Heiwa's surprise, he held out the glass to her instead of taking it himself. She didn't move, staring at him dumbly.
"It's traditional in my Division," Kyōraku explained, nodding toward the glass, "—to celebrate with a drink."
Her heart skipped a beat. "Celebrate…? Are you saying you'll accept my transfer request?"
"Well," he shrugged, holding out the cup to her once more, "I just don't have it in me to say no to a pretty girl."
Heiwa tentatively accepted the glass. He nodded in approval and raised his own.
"Welcome to the Eighth, Heiwa-chan."
"Please," she grimaced, "Call me Fushido-san."
~X~
Heiwa spent a bit longer than she wanted at the Eighth. One drink turned into two, then three, and then she was quickly ushered out of the office by a frantic Ise Nanao. Apparently, Kyōraku-taichō had an important meeting in an hour that he was supposed to be sober for. Heiwa didn't even have a chance to explain herself before she was shoved out the door by the bespectacled lieutenant, and she spent the entirety of her trek back to the Sixth Division contemplating whether she'd made the right choice about transferring.
Of course, upon seeing Byakuya's face as she entered the office and feeling her heart lurch inside her chest, she knew she'd made the right choice.
Heiwa spent the rest of the day catching up on paperwork and contemplating how she would break the news to Byakuya. It wasn't something she looked forward to since she didn't know what reaction to expect. Would he be upset, or would he be relieved? She wasn't sure which would hurt more…
Despite the anxiety growing in her gut, Heiwa finished the day like usual. She gathered her things and made her way out of the barracks, intending to walk home, when she heard someone calling her name.
"Fushido-senpai!"
Tosa Takeo came running up behind her. He was sweating profusely, and his face was bright red.
"Tosa-san," Heiwa murmured. She studied him for a moment, unsure of what he might need from her. "Did you need help with something? If it's work-related, I have to ask that you wait until tomorrow."
Tosa's eyes widened, and he waved his hands frantically. "No no, it's not– I wanted to talk with you about something, um, personal."
"Personal?" Heiwa echoed. Had something happened at home? Sometimes, officers would come to her about personal issues, but it was rare. She narrowed her eyes. "What is this about?"
Tosa's blush deepened, and he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck while avoiding eye contact.
"I-I've been hearing some rumors and…I-I just think that maybe we should talk? I heard some things from Tsuzawa Takuya and, I just…" He trailed off, covering his face with his hands and sighing dramatically.
Heiwa stared at him, feeling heat rise over her cheeks. She had no idea what to say. She knew well what she'd asked of Takuya, but she didn't expect it to get around that he was talking to people. Did he not have any sense of discretion?!
"I'm sorry, let me start over, please," Tosa begged. "Can I…walk you home?" He finally managed to look her in the eye, and despite the color of his face and the sweat dripping down his neck, Heiwa could sense true sincerity in his gaze.
She took a deep breath. "I'm not sure if–"
Her eyes wandered over his shoulder, and she caught sight of Byakuya standing outside his office. He was looking straight at her, the slate of his eyes cold and blank.
Heiwa wrenched her gaze away from him, forcing a big smile across her face. "Actually, Tosa-san, I would like that. Let's go."
She didn't look back, but she could feel Byakuya's eyes on the back of her head as she walked away.
~X~
About two weeks had passed since Heiwa received approval from Kyōraku-taichō to transfer to the Eighth. She'd completed all the supplementary paperwork; the only thing left was to have her current Captain sign it.
But that seemed to be the thing she was stuck on. No matter how many times she tried, how much she psyched herself up, she simply couldn't bring herself to give the papers to Bykauya. She was afraid of how he'd react – how she might respond to his reaction. Things were too likely to get messy, and Heiwa's had enough of messes.
So, at the end of the day, Heiwa approached Renji and handed him a stack of paperwork. She hid the transfer request between mission reports and budget files, certain that Renji wouldn't bother to look through it all before handing it off.
"What's this?" he asked her.
She tried to play it cool. "Paperwork, obviously."
Renji glared at her.
"Just give it to Taichō," she pleaded. "I'm tired, and…I just want to go home."
It was a risky card to play, but it worked. Renji's eyes went soft with pity, and he sighed. "Alright, fine. I'll see you tomorrow?"
Heiwa scurried off before he could look through the papers and change his mind. The ache in her chest lessened bit by bit as she got closer to home. Once inside the sanctity of the estate's walls, with the smell of lavender permeating the air, she could finally breathe.
Heiwa decided to take a bath, enjoying the warmth of the water and how it seemed to melt all her worries away – at least for a while. Then, she had dinner with her grandmother. She indulged Hotsu's desire to hear all the gossip around the barracks, though she didn't have much to share. In the middle of their meal, Yuna all but tripped into the room.
"Fushido-sama!"
"Yes?" both Heiwa and Hotsu responded.
Yuna's eyes widened, and she pointed at Heiwa. "Kuchika-sama is here, and he wants to speak with you!"
Heiwa's face turned pale. She had no doubt he was here because of her transfer request, but this wasn't the reaction she'd expected.
"H-he's here?" she echoed. "I-I don't…just tell him I'm not here!"
Hotsu smacked Heiwa's leg under the table with her cane – not that Heiwa could feel it. "What have you done? Did you tell him about your–"
"Of course I didn't!" Heiwa hissed. "I specifically didn't tell him because I wanted to avoid a situation like this–"
"Fat load of good that did you."
"Fushido-sama," Yuna stressed. "What do I tell him? He is very adamant that he needs to speak with you."
Heiwa gulped, glancing at her grandmother. The old woman stared back at her, unamused. "Maybe he'll finally apologize," she suggested.
Heiwa rolled her eyes. "I highly doubt it."
Fuck. She really didn't want to deal with this. She turned to Yuna, grimacing.
"Just…tell him I'll be there in a minute."
Yuna nodded and ran out of the room, leaving Heiwa and Hotsu alone once more. Heiwa stared at her half-finished plate, anxiously scratching her fingers beneath the table.
"It'll be fine," Hotsu said. "He was going to find out one way or another."
Heiwa scoffed. "Obviously. I just…I don't know." What had she been expecting, really?
After staring at her food for another minute, she finally stood up. She left the room and went towards the foyer. She was confused when she didn't see Byakuya waiting for her. Yuna popped in and told her he was waiting in the gardens.
Ah, of course.
Heiwa begrudgingly made her way outside. It was dark now, but she could see Byakuya's silhouette clearly in the moonlight. He stood before the lavender fields, his back turned to her.
Slowly, she walked towards him. She crossed her arms over her chest, hoping it would silence the painful thumping of her heart. When she was still a few feet away from him, she cleared her throat and called out, "Kuchiki-taichō. Can I help you?"
Byakuya did not look at her, and he was quiet for so long that Heiwa wondered if he didn't intend to speak to her at all. Perhaps he planned to simply stand there and make her feel so awkward that she would call upon Hanahaki to choke herself to death.
But eventually, he spoke. "I…I received your transfer request."
Was it her desperation making her hear things, or did he actually stutter?
"Ah, good. I was worried Renji might've lost it among all the other paperwork he had," she tried to joke.
Byakuya turned to face her. His expression was utterly blank, except for a single crease between his brows. His hands were folded neatly behind his back, although the tension between his shoulders implied he was not as calm as he appeared to be.
"Heiwa, why?"
Heiwa's heart lurched. It took all her willpower not to run to him, take his face in her hands and kiss away that crease between his brows, take it all back, and apologize–
"Why does it matter?" she asked. "Everything you need to know is in the file. I don't need your permission–"
"Clearly," Byakuya spat. "Considering you went behind my back to speak with Kyōraku-taichō."
Heiwa took a step back, indignation burning in her chest. "I did not go behind your back. I wasn't going to initiate a transfer before securing a seat–"
She paused, closed her eyes, and took a sharp breath. She wasn't going to play this little game. "I don't need to explain myself to you. All I need is for you to sign the form and send it to your superiors."
Byakuya looked at her as though she'd slapped him across the face. "Heiwa, you…" He stopped himself, working his jaw and staring at the ground. "If this is about what happened between us–"
She shut him down immediately. "It's not."
Byakuya didn't look at all convinced.
"It's really not," she repeated.
"Gods," he hissed, and seeing some of his frustration leaking through felt like a victory. "For you to go to such great lengths to avoid me. To have Renji deliver your transfer papers. Heiwa, can't you see how ridiculous this is?"
Heiwa couldn't take it anymore. She needed this conversation to end before he changed her mind, before she got her hopes up and convinced herself that he felt something for her–
"Byakuya, I'm engaged."
She felt a sick sense of satisfaction as Byakuya's eyes widened in shock. It took him a few seconds to comprehend what she'd just said, his face blank with disbelief. "What…?"
"I'm engaged. That's why I'm transferring."
Byakuya stared at her blankly. Then he cleared his throat, narrowing his eyes as he struggled to gather his thoughts.
"What are you talking about?"
"We haven't announced it yet," Heiwa replied, looking away to focus on the lavender bushes just out of her reach. "We're still finalizing everything, but once it's done, we will have a formal announcement—"
"We?" Byakuya echoed, his voice rising in pitch as he steadily became more overwhelmed. Heiwa's rarely seen him like this, so visibly distraught and overwhelmed. A small part of her was happy at this show of emotion from him — happy to confirm that he still had feelings for her, that he was jealous.
But that happiness was overpowered by a sense of regret and loss.
Heiwa forced herself to look at Byakuya, hoping he didn't notice how her eyes were starting to water and her lips were pulling into a frown.
"Yes. Tosa Takeo and I," she confirmed.
Byakuya's eyes widened more.
"Tosa? The Thirteenth Seat?"
Heiwa nodded slowly, feeling a heavy weight settle on her chest. It felt like someone was pushing down, trying to keep her from breathing properly.
Byakuya was quiet for a long time. Heiwa knew what he was thinking — he was desperately trying to figure out when and why this happened. Maybe he was even wondering if he could've stopped it.
The idea made her heart clench painfully.
"Heiwa," he finally said. He stepped closer, close enough that his form towered over her and obscured her from the moonlight, enveloping her in shadow. He forced out his words through gritted teeth, clearly trying to repress his emotions. "This is…"
Heiwa watched him, wondering what he would say next. Would this finally push him to confess? To apologize for everything and beg her to come back?
Byakuya's eyes hardened. His lips were pressed into a thin line, and Heiwa was entranced by the bob of his Adam's apple as he swallowed thickly.
"If…you are sure that this is what you want…"
But it's not. It's not at all! Heiwa wanted Byakuya, more than anything, but if he didn't want her back, then…
She tore her eyes away from him and nodded stiffly.
"It is."
Byakuya slowly stepped back. Suddenly, it felt a few degrees colder.
"Very well. I'll see to it that the paperwork is filed."
This is it. He would leave, her transfer would go through, and all this would be behind her in a few weeks. Heiwa was supposed to be relieved, but her eyes burned with tears instead.
"Heiwa…"
Suddenly, Byakuya was in her space again. She looked up, and he was right there, overtaking her senses and overpowering her better judgment. She felt dizzy, and he was so close, too close–
His hand reached for hers, his fingertips ghosting along the side of her palm. A frown marred his features when he felt faintly healed scratches along her skin. Heiwa could practically see the apology resting on the tip of his tongue, could feel his heart pounding through his clothes.
"Perhaps," he started, voice rough and dragging goosebumps along her arms, "we could…still be friends?"
Heiwa's eyes bulged. She snatched her hand away from him, stumbling backward.
"You want to be friends?" she echoed, eyes wide and unbelieving. Byakuya stood stone-faced as if the mere suggestion wasn't the most backhanded and insulting thing he'd said to her since her birthday.
"I can't believe you."
Her voice came out withering and hot, struggling to contain the rage bubbling inside her.
"You…you…"
She wanted to say, "You broke my heart," but the idea of admitting such a painstakingly vulnerable truth was too humiliating for her to handle. What came out instead was, "You hurt me," with a hateful glare that burned more from the tears that threatened to spill rather than her real anger.
Byakuya's hand still hovered in the air where she had torn out of his grasp. His fingers flexed before resting at his side, his face returning to impassive stone.
Heiwa covered her mouth, unable to muffle the choked sob that ripped from her throat. A defiant tear fell from her eye, and she turned her face away, utterly humiliated. She would not let him see her break again.
"Goodnight, Kuchiki-taichō," she said forcefully. Without another thought, she turned and left, the faint scent of lavender wafting in the air behind her.