"I'm worried about Rosalind."
Juliet and Nick had hitched a ride in the sidecar of Gideon's motorcycle. The Eds were riding on their EX Gears, taking the time to do jumps and tricks as well.
"Hell, that girl knows trouble like apple knows pie," Gideon said. "Might explain how she got up with Big Ed."
"Excuse me-" Nick said but Gideon scowled, shutting him up.
"Boy, you be careful 'bout where you're touchin' my daughter."
"Oh, I'm sorry, uh-"
"Believe me, that boy had to go through a LOTTA hoops before I even CONSIDERED letting him date Rosalind."
A zombie was run over by Ed as he laughed stupidly, Gideon shaking his head mirthfully.
"That boy's got a heart bigger than his brain, I say." The Starling Patriarch chuckled. "We gotta be careful. 'Bout this Rosalind sitchiation, so she don't get hurt."
"So, I, uh, guess the two of you haven't been formally introduced. Dad, this is-" Juliet started.
"Nick. I know, you told me all about 'im."
"Nothing gets by Pops, does it?" Eddy chuckled.
"To be fair, Juliet has gushed about him a lot." Double-D pointed out.
"You seem like a fine person, but whatever dude Juliet ends up with is gonna be part of the family business. You up for that?" Gideon asked Nick.
"I'd like to think so, sir. I've been doing pretty good against these zombie douchebags." Nick said.
"Well, I paid for 'em!" Eddy huffed.
"We are here!" Ed cheered as everyone stopped right out from the Fulci Fun Center.
"What the hell kind of place is this?" Gideon asked.
"It's the Fulci Fun Center, Dad, where all the kids from San Romero hang out after school." Juliet explained.
"Yeah, it's PARADISE!" Eddy smiled before sighing. "Unfortunately, it's gotta have loads of zombies running the joint now."
"They have a Centipede machine!" Ed pointed out for no other reason.
"Look at this, guys!" Juliet said as the gang all crouched down to see what she began drawing on the ground.
"I'll head into the building at the entrance, all right? Daddy, you go around and sneak in from the back. We'll act as a decoy, drawing all the zombies' attention towards us. Ed, Double-D, and Eddy will do most of the powerhouse stuff. Once they finish, Nick and I will take on the big boss while they rest, or wait for an opening."
"Uh, Juliet, you just made us decoys." Nick pointed out.
Suddenly, tears began hitting the chalk sketch as everyone turned to see Gideon with MANLY tears in his eyes.
"Daddy, what's wrong?"
"My little girl is a tactical genius."
"Wish my Dad had that kind of pride in me. All he really gave me was my guns." Eddy muttered, looking at Fat Daddy and Rich Bitch. "Then again, they're pretty sweet-ass guns."
Gideon shook the tears from his eyes before pulling out a present and handing it to Juliet.
"Your mom and me got you a little something for your special day. Happy Birthday, baby."
Juliet smiled. "Thanks, Daddy."
"Alright, I'm off." Gideon said as he prepared to scale the building.
"Good luck, sir." Nick said.
"Stop suckin' up, son! You better watch what you do with my little girl when you're hiding in the shadows."
"Yes, sir! Okay, sir!"
"He got you there!" Eddy snickered.
"I think he really liked you!" Juliet said.
"It's...a start." Double-D shrugged as he patted Nick reassuringly on the back.
"Don't worry, Nick! Gideon had me wrestle a zombie polar bear to win the right to date Rosalind!" Ed said before suddenly belching out a bear skull. "So that's where he went!"
As the gang went inside, Juliet opened her present and gasped when she saw it was four miniguns small enough to be handheld.
"Oh, I'm so touched! My mom and Dad knew exactly what I wanted!"
"Wait, didn't she get those in Sai's story?" Eddy asked.
"It's okay, Eddy! Knightmare Lord always takes from other stories in his works!" Ed said.
"Well, imitation is often seen as the highest form of flattery..." Double-D sighed.
Okay, ignoring that blatant call-out, let's go to killing the fucking zombies, please.
"I wanna play games 24/7!"
"Hit the buttons faster!"
"I need to level up."
"Look at the zombie geeks zombieing out and killing zombies in video games!" Nick said.
"If we kill them it will be totally meta!" Juliet said excitedly.
Eddy walked up to the two zombie nerds playing and casually blew their brains out with his guns. Double-D went to another zombie nerd by his lonesome and decapitated it with his lightsaber.
"I apologize for denying you your high score, good sir."
Suddenly, a dude ran out of the elevator, chased by 3 zombies, then 3 more came into the store and went straight for him.
"We'd better help this dude before his game is over!" Nick said.
"Oh, I'll go all rated mature on their asses!" Juliet said, shooting a couple to stun them and cutting their heads off with the chainsaw.
"HOME FREE!" Ed shouted as he used the Meathook attachment of his Super Shotgun to grapple over to another of the zombies and blow them apart at point-blank range.
After rescuing the guy and killing the rest of the zombies, the elevator open and the heroes stepped out to see the world looked entirely different. Like some weird virtual reality world.
"Whoa! Things just got all Commodore 64 on us!" Nick said.
"Why didn't we ever try that video game scam, Double-D?" Eddy asked.
Double-D shook his head. "Eddy, you do understand what COPYRIGHT is, correct?"
Suddenly, a giant Pac-Man monster came charging out of nowhere as the gang turned digital pink.
"Uh-oh! I think it thinks we're blue ghosts!" Juliet said, revving up her chainsaw.
"Gentlemen and one lady, let's split up!" Double-D ordered as everyone nodded and quickly split off into different parts of the maze, finding keys to unlock the path out of this digital death trap.
"That dude would be scarier if he wasn't wearing a fez!" Nick taunted as he grabbed one of the keys while avoiding the Pac-Man monster.
"Copyright, Nick! We don't need Namco on our asses!"
After collecting all the keys, the group made their way to the exit, finding themselves back in the real world. There was also a Chop-2-Shop store and Eddy went over and got two new weapons for Nick; The Dude, a bowling ball launcher, and the Taunt Bot, a gun that fired holographic copies to distract enemies.
"Alright, I'm gonna hit so many strikes with this!" Nick grinned, checking out The Dude.
"Let's do this thing!" Juliet cheered as some zombies were around the corner but Nick distracted them with the Taunt Bot, allowing the others to annihilate them easily. "My triceps are getting a total workout swinging this chainsaw around!"
"Wow, you just said that like it made sense..." Eddy muttered.
"Upsie-Daisy!" Ed said, boosting his friends up to the next floor before doing a super jump to join them.
"People in danger, fellows!" Double-D alerted.
The group saw that a couple of people trying to stay away from the zombies: One guy standing on the neon lights, out of reach and one girl hanging onto the ledge of the balcony for dear life by one hand.
"Help! No! Leave me alone! Please!"
"No! I'm too pretty to die!"
"We shall save you!" Ed declared heroically as he ran in with his Combat Shotgun, firing an Explosive Shell to gib the zombies as his friends quickly joined in.
"We're gonna bring these zombies the funk! Right, guys?!" Juliet said energetically.
"What?! You're gonna fuck a zombie?!" Nick said, disgusted.
"What the fuck?" Eddy said.
"No, gross! BRING THEM THE FUNK!"
"To be fair, those two do sound close." Double-D admitted.
After rescuing the two innocents, the team dropped down to the lower balcony...well, the guys did but Juliet jumped on a nearby pole and slid down it while doing a sexy spin on it. They soon approached an arcade machine that suddenly sucked them into it.
"We're back in the virtual world!" Eddy groaned. "What game are we in now?"
"I'm. Josey. James. Bitch!"
"That's the guy from the phone!" Juliet realized.
"Forget that! We're in Mappy!" Double-D said, looking at the platforming landscape.
The group took an elevator, where a zombie cop was waiting...only to get shot dead by Eddy almost instantly. They then went through a door that led them to the next elevator.
"Alright, this is all too surreal. If a little dude in a red cap and blue overalls pops out at me, I am seriously going to vomit all over myself." Nick said.
"Nick, you're talking about Mario." Double-D said flatly.
"Yeah, Mario is awesome!" Eddy added.
"This is great~! I'm such a game geek!" Juliet said cheerfully in sing-song.
The heroes fumbled through more elevator puzzles and continued to the next platform, which exploded, 4 zombies appearing underneath them.
"You're turn, Juliet!" Eddy gestured as the girl beamed and did her usual jump on their heads to get across and landed in her awesome pose.
"You're already dead!" She said as their heads blew up.
"Aww damn, Fist of the North Star!" Nick cheered.
They rode up to the next level, where there was a giant wall in the way but Ed simply bulldozed through it with his sheer inertia, allowing the gang to continue.
"Hey, guys. They say solid colors are slimming. Does my butt look less ginormous when I'm all pink like this?" Juliet asked.
"You're butt never looks ginormous, Juliet." Nick said.
"Smooth, Romeo." Eddy smirked playfully.
Going up the next elevator, they came across another zombie cop that fired huge pixelated bullets but Double-D jumped over them and sliced it in half vertically with his lightsaber.
"It's more fun killing zombies when they're in rainbow colors, huh?" Juliet said.
"It's about the same, maybe a little better." Nick shrugged.
"It gives things a little flare, definitely." Double-D said.
Suddenly, the wall blew up and a Pac-Man monster came from nowhere and ate Juliet. However, her chainsaw immediately came out of the side of the thing and she sawed completely through it, blowing it up and striking a pose.
"Pac-Man dick! Getting eaten sucks!"
"Next level!" Ed cheered as the group went up the elevator that took them out of the virtual world.
Returning to the real world, they found a stage with a pole in the middle. Juliet grinned mischievously, already knowing what to do as she jumped on the pole and began dancing, spinning around while slicing up the zombies that got on stage to attack her.
"When I practice this alone in my room, I do it naked and get less wind resistance." Juliet said.
"I, ugh, uhh, uh..." Nick stuttered, at a complete loss for words.
"WHOOOOO! SHAKE THAT THING!" Eddy cheered, throwing out huge wads of money while wearing a pair of sunglasses.
Suddenly, a Molotov cocktail flew on stage and barely missed the happy couple.
"You're supposed to throw dollar bills, dude, not bombs!" Nick snapped.
A zombie walked up with a stereo and from the look of it, he was powering up the others.
"Moonwalk on your face!"
"Ed...time to bring out the big gun." Eddy said, elbowing his friend.
"The Big Gun, Eddy?" Ed asked excitedly.
"Yes, Lumpy, the BIG GUN."
Ed grinned and then whipped out the ultimate king of cannons, the doomsday bazooka, the last resort, the event horizon...THE BIG FUCKING GUN 9000!
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
Every single zombie was absolutely obliterated as sparks of plasma flickered from the aftermath. Ed then put away the glorious weapon and gave Eddy and Double-D high-fives as Juliet and Nick stared in shock.
"Wish you could have busted that out for those Dark Purveyour assholes!"
"Where's the fun in that?" Eddy smirked.
Suddenly, another game lit up a little ways down the hall.
"Are. You. Having. Fun?"
"Game on, asshole!" Nick said as the five friends entered the arcade machine, returning to the virtual world, this time into a set-up similar to Pong.
"Ah, Pong! One of the first video games ever made!" Double-D smiled wistfully.
"Geek out later, Double-D. We got a game to win!" Eddy said, drawing his guns.
The Eds and Nick opened fire with their weapons while dodging the ball. After dealing with a few waves of zombies, each wave destroying a part of the enemy wall, the gang were able to progress out of the virtual world once more.
Back in the real world, the five young heroes found themselves on the rooftop of the building. A helicopter piloted by hazmat zombies suddenly flew in.
"Amazingl that the undead are actually still coordinated," Double-D muttered.
"Yeah, that's what's fucked up, smart zombies." Nick concurred.
Ed ran in first, delivering a front kick to one of the zombies that jumped off, launching him away and also separating him from his limbs. Eddy rushed in next and delivered a stylish roundhouse kick to another zombie's throat before slicing its head off.
Double-D turned his lightsaber into its ray gun mode and jumped off Ed's shoulder before blasting two zombies, then switching back to lightsaber mode and holding it backhand as he landed beside the last zombie in a yoga lunge stance, stabbing him in the chest the instant he landed.
"Damn, Sockhead! Quit showing us up!" Eddy called out.
"Yeah, let me try this out!" Nick said as he whipped out The Dude and squeezed the trigger, holding onto it as all three lights glowed green before shooting out a bowling ball at blazing speeds, obliterating the remaining zombies. "Oh fuck yeah, I'm keeping this!"
Suddenly, the elevator opened and another boom-box zombie came out. Another scaled the fence onto the roof.
"Do the robot!"
"Pop and Lock!"
"Watch and learn, boys," Juliet smirked as she pulled off some stylish moves of her own, mixing her cheerleading routine with her chainsaw to tenderize and slice up the zombies.
"Yeah, baby!" Nick cheered.
"A sensational performance!" Double-D praised, clapping his hands.
"I need to get home!" The zombie flying the chopper said, flying horribly.
"Come on, time for bed!" Ed said as he took out the Ballista and fired a piercing shot through the chopper, causing it to spiral out of control, crash into a nearby water tower and then flying off the side of the building, where it exploded.
"Nice shot, Ed." Eddy commented.
"Why thank you!"
The five then came across another arcade machine, which sucked them into what was hopefully the last virtual game area.
"Can. You. Keep. Up?"
"Oh crap, we're stuck!" Eddy yelled as he noticed they were all stuck in an elevator that was slowly going up a tower.
"Jeez! We have to make it to the top without running into anything!" Nick said worriedly.
"I hope those dudes below aren't looking at my pink butt!" Juliet said.
"I don't think that's what we should worry about right now." Double-D told her.
Nick nodded. "If we fall, we're screwed!"
"We're just gonna have to keep goin' up!" Juliet said.
"Up, up, and away!" Ed cheered as he stood on one foot with his fist in the air, trying to emulate Superman.
It actually went a lot easier than they thought. Juliet, Nick, and Double-D handled the falling hazards and side-to-side discs that could've killed them while Ed and Eddy shot the living threats that kept deploying the hazards. Then, after a small amount of trouble with the rising and lowering panels at the end, they beat the game and progressed to the roof.
"We're here! On the rooftop of the building! Where's my sister?" Juliet asked.
"Probably in that little building in the center." Eddy thumbed over to the aforementioned little building. "Probably just a hunch, but you know..."
"Eddy, please do away with the sarcasm..." Double-D sighed as the five entered.
What they saw as they went inside was something out of an 80s Disco Fever Dream. A bunch of multi-colored digital zombies were partying hard and in the center was an African-American man with skull face paint, a pink fur coat, a voodoo top hat, red eyes, and a white fur speedo. No doubt this was the Dark Purveyour that had been causing trouble for them.
"Whoaaaaaaa, babeeeeee! Time to get the funk out!"
He was actually playing some sick-ass groovy tunes on his Keytar and finished with a dazzling pose and a flashy smile.
"You're the one from the phone! Gimme back my sister!" Juliet snapped.
"I, the noble knight, shall free the princess from your hands, evil overlord!" Ed declared angrily.
"What's the matter, babeee?! Didn't you like our phone S-E-X-X-X?!" He asked while playing in Auto-Tune, which actually made Eddy move his shoulders to the beat. "That's a pity."
Juliet noticed that Gideon was sneaking nearby, giving her an 'OK' gesture as she smiled, putting a lollipop in her mouth.
"Ummm...Let me think..."
"Return Rosalind to us and we'll send you back to Rotten World mostly in one piece, good sir!" Double-D declared, drawing his lightsaber.
"Yeah, and quit with the Auto-Tune! That shit went out of style years ago!" Nick added.
"I already told you, kiddies! If you want to get that girl back, you hafta play the game!" The Dark Purveyor hauntingly said as he grooved on his Keytar, spotlights shining. "Whoaaaaaaa, babeeeeee! Time to get the funk out!"
Funk Zombie, Josey
Influences: Parliament Funkadelic, Rick James, 8-foot PILES OF COCAINE, C3PO
Josey quickly boarded a UFO that took off as the heroes began shooting at him in an effort to bring him down. All the way, an epic digital funk track began playing. Seriously! Josey's Boss Theme is my favorite in the game!
"Light-Up. Please." Josey said as he fired rainbow lasers from his Keytar.
"Eat shit, Dr. Facilier's weirdo twin!" Eddy snapped as he fired his guns rapidly.
Josey just dodged the bullets while striking various funky poses before tossing out 8-bit bombs, which flashed red before exploding.
"I'm feeling good!" Josey grinned as he surfed on his UFO, which roared across the stage in an effort to ram the heroes. "Feeling super freaky!"
Ed quickly jumped on the UFO as everyone else got out of the way. Josey stood back as Ed unsheathed his Doomblade and prepared to stab him, only for the Dark Purveyor to block with his Keytar.
"Are you retarded?!" He snapped before smacking Ed off the UFO.
Digital staircases rose up around the ring of the arena as Nick and Juliet went up one of them and shot at Josey with the Dirty Harry and Chainsaw Blaster respectively. Josey turned and tried to shoot them with his Keytar lasers but Double-D quickly caught his attention, causing the Funk Zombie to try and crush him with his UFO but Eddy tackled him out of the way.
"Get funky, girl!" Josey taunted as he shot at Juliet, only for Nick to fire the Murderang at him.
"It's an IFO! Identified Fucking Object!"
With Josey stunned, Juliet quickly jumped on the UFO and sliced him in half horizontally. However, his top half floated up as the ceiling opened for him to escape through.
"Second. Stage. Initiating. Funky. Funky."
"Get back here, jackass!" Eddy said as the heroes quickly jumped after him.
The five friends all popped up to the top of the ship to find we were traveling at what looked like light speed, about to leave Earth's atmosphere.
"Groovy. Groovy. This. Is. An. Announcement. To. All. Attendees. The. Game. Has. Reached. The. Climax! Let. The. Neverending. Freakiness. Begin. Let's. Warp. Into. Space! Commencing Countdown!" Josey sang, rising up in the cockpit.
"I just identified an unidentified flying object and we're FREAKING STANDING ON IT!" Nick cried.
"We need to destroy those power generators before we leave the atmosphere, or else we're going to die in space!" Eddy exclaimed.
"Luckily, there's 5 of them and 5 of us. Makes it nice and simple." Double-D said, attacking the one in the right middle corner.
Ed ripped out the one closest to him and threw it at the cockpit, but a shield protected it. Eddy shot up the third one and then finished it with an overhead slash.
"Got this one!" Juliet said, easily destroying the 4th one with her chainsaw.
"And done!" Nick said, breaking the last one with just his fists.
"YOUR TIME HAS COME!" Ed said as he took out his gas-powered chainsaw and broke the glass of Josey's cockpit, about to slice him in half before he stopped him.
"Wait, hold on! If you kill me, you never see your girlfriend!" He said, revealing a hologram of her sitting in a capsule on the bottom of the ship.
"No!" Juliet gasped.
"Hey! You promised you'd give her back if we won!" Nick said angrily.
"You trusted what I said?! Ha! I'm a mother freakin' zombie!" He sang. "Drop the chainsaw now, ho."
Ed shook, unable to hurt the girl he loved. The others were just as conflicted, unsure on how to handle this...until Eddy realized something and smirked.
"You think you hold the cards, Josey-Boy...but you've already lost!"
Josey's eyes widened when he realized what Eddy meant; Gideon appeared on the monitor and gave a nod to the heroes as he rescued Rosalind.
"Funk me..."
"Go ahead, kids." Gideon said as he destroyed the glass and parachuted to safety with Rosalind.
Josey began to panic as both Ed and Juliet loomed over him, their chainsaws at the ready.
"Looks like you're out of coins, weird voice guy!"
"It's Game Over!"
"DIE!"
Josey tried using his Keytar to defend himself but Ed and Juliet's combined strength overwhelmed him, slicing him and his UFO in half down the middle as everyone quickly bailed, Double-D using his hat as a parachute while Eddy and Nick held onto him for dear life.
"Meus Vita, Rege, Pro Nefario Coepto!" Josey's voice said, sounding like he had just busted a massive nut before dying out as he returned to Rotten World.
Honestly, Josey is the most underrated of the Dark Purveyors. I can understand why not a lot of people like him since his boss fight isn't exactly much of a thrill compared to the others but DAMN THAT MUSIC IS FUCKING FIRE! I could listen all day!