Chapter 90: The holidays always bring people together…
'Sooner or later, though, no matter where in the world we live, we must join the diaspora, venturing beyond our biological family to find our logical one. The one that actually makes sense for us. We have to, if we are to live without squandering our lives.'
-Armistead Maupin
Becca walked up to Joel's house with Matty in his stroller. She didn't feel comfortable riding in a dress and it was a seasonably warm spring day. She felt like the walk.
Mostly everyone in town was at the church house. It was a special day after all. Easter Day. Three days after the Lord had been crucified.
After being under David's brainwashing. She's held a resentment towards the holiday. She didn't hold it against Maria, Betsy or any other person who chose Christianity. She just didn't choose it for herself.
Joel didn't consider himself very religious either. They've recently had deep discussions about religion and while they both agreed to there being some sort of higher power, they didn't want to put a label on it.
Agnostic. It's just what they are.
Ellie seemed to be in the same boat as well. She was surprised when Joel invited her to breakfast. Since he invited her over for dinner. She had been surprised when he asked her. She knew Maria and Betsy were invited. She wanted their children to be amongst family.
When she admitted her surprise to him; he seemed almost offended. Of course he wanted her there. Separated or not. They were still family.
So while the Millers weren't praying with the rest of the folk at the church house. They were being with the people they loved. Matty just saw it as a bunny (who he was terrified of by the way) and bright colorful eggs. They wouldn't force religion on him.
It had been shoved down their throats their entire lives. While Joel rebelled, she kept herself on the straight and narrow. Always being the good girl and doing what she's told. While she still believed in trying to do the right thing. She didn't want to sacrifice her happiness for others.
She looked up at the farm and smiled to herself. It looked just as beautiful as she's ever seen it. Joel had made some amazing renovations to the old barns and stables, giving them new roofs and paint jobs. He seemed to be expanding the barn and stables.
He even had some steady crops of corn. He was getting good at the farmer life. It suited him. He could channel his aggression in positive ways. He was responsible for the other animals' lives. He hunted and killed, providing as best as could for his family.
If currency still existed, he would've been a hell of a rancher. Her father would've respected his hard work ethic. He made unsavory mistakes in his past, but they've all done things they weren't proud of. Her father would've befriended him. Her father made a lot of mistakes in his past too. She would have some stories to tell Joel one day.
She saw him standing on the steps and she bit back a smile. He wore crisp denim jeans and black cowboy boots. His white long sleeved dress shirt was tucked into his jeans. It was pressed and she recognized Betsy's hand. He shaved his beard, but kept his mustache. She never wondered what he looked like before the outbreak. She preferred him now.
He was doing what he always dreamed. When she first met him he was on death's door. Now he was thriving. He gained some solid muscle and a healthy weight. His skin was tanned from being out in the sun.
He looked happy. Happiness looked good on him. He wasn't dying. He was living.
He walked down the steps to meet them and his eyes widened as he looked down, seeing Matty in gray dress pants and a purple dress shirt. Betsy made it as an Easter gift. She thought it was cute. She was glad he had a grandmother. Even if it wasn't her own mother. He at least had a woman who loved and cherished him as her own.
Joel took him out of the stroller and held him up, whistling,'Look at you.' He smoothed his dark wild curls down,'He's gonna give them hell when he's older.'
She snorted and shook her head,'He already is. Just like his daddy.'
He smirked at her jovial comment. His eyes trailing up and down her figure. She wore a long white dress with purple flowers on it. It was short sleeved but with a low v neck. She didn't hide her scar on her chest anymore. He noticed she wore it freely and openly.
She wore her hair down and curled. She didn't look pale, skinny and frail like the woman back in Silver Lake. They were like night and day.
He hated the people who killed her spirit. He took away her choices and taking control of her mind. David wasn't a magician. Just a master manipulator. He weaponized religion against them.
She was distrusting of others. He didn't take it personally she was untrusting of him. He had the same doubts about her. Women always got fun from him and when it was over they left. Both of his wives seemed to get bored with him.
It's why he pulled away from Becca so much. When it got bad he could feel the distance between them. He was so afraid she would leave him that he left first. They never told anyone whose decision it was to end it first. He wondered why she never told Betsy or Maria. Her two closest friends. She defended him.
Even when he shouldn't. They both buried a goddamned body together. They kept secrets for each other. It was keeping secrets from each other which is their problem.
He carefully held Matty against him and wrapped his arm around her shoulders,'Thanks for coming. Ya look beautiful.'
She gave him a shy smile and patted his newly smooth cheek,'You look really handsome. I like the mustache.' She lowered her eyes and scowled, giving her best Ellie expression,'You don't look like a douche.'
'She mighta mentioned it.' He jerked his head towards the house,'I have dinner already cooked. Figure we could eat outside today. Abby and Ellie are there.'
Becca managed to hide her uneasiness and smiled. Something wasn't quite right about Abby. She couldn't put her finger on it. Maybe she was just being paranoid, but she seemed too good to be true. Ellie seemed to have a good intuition and good judge of character. If something made her uncomfortable she would leave.
While working on the memorial garden Becca's noticed something slight about Abby. Maybe it's because she spent more time working closely with her, but Abby was listening to ellie way more than she was talking to her. She thought it was shyness at first or trauma, but it seemed like in an intentional sort of way. Abby was very deliberate whenever she spoke. She was highly intelligent, which is what attracted her to Ellie. She needed someone to keep up with her. In every sense of the word.
Becca would keep her concerns to herself. She didn't want to put a wedge between them. She would keep a watchful eye out though.
Joel saw her looking over at the garden and chuckled,'I managed not to kill anything, but poor things miss their mama.'
She nodded and sighed wistfully, staring at them longingly,'I miss them too.'
Joel shrugged as he shook her head,'Then take care of em. I don't know a damned thing bout how to keep them alive. Ellie couldn't care less.' He sighed,'Even if you don't wanna visit me, ya can always visit them. If it's at night bring your pistol though.'
She nodded and laughed as she blinked away tears,'Thank you. I think I'll do that.'
She looked better than she did a year ago. She looked well rested and more relaxed. She wasn't working long hours at the hospital anymore. She was spending her time pursuing other interests like baking, gardening and helping Betsy in her shop. She served others and did her duty. It was about damned time they both retired from the fighting and killing.
Joel scratched the back of his head nervously,'El's been asking about her father again. I think we all need to sit down and look over those files…together.'
Becca sighed deeply and nodded slowly,'I think you're right. She shouldn't be doing this alone. Especially since we don't know if any of them are left. We should always keep that in mind.'
Joel nodded silently. They both knew danger was still lurking out there. There weren't naive enough to think there weren't any Fireflies left. They could come at anytime. They've built stronger perimeters and trained the townspeople on handling weapons. They were prepared. They just hoped it would be enough.
They would fight if they had to. They just weren't in that place in their lives anymore. They had too much to live for.
He placed his hands on his hips and sighed, his eyes squinting from the sun,'Not today though.'
She looked up at him and nodded, smiling softly,'Not today.'
He took her hand and tangled their fingers together,'Let's go eat before the food gets cold.'
'Yes.' Her eyes widened and she patted her stomach,'I'm starving.' She held up a basket,'I brought muffins.'
He chuckled and nodded,'I cook and you bake. A match made in heaven.'
She smiled at that as they walked hand in hand to the backyard. Ellie and Abby were already sitting down, putting food on their plates. They knew Ellie was eager to learn about her parents and she had every right to know.
In a couple days they would go over everything in the files with her. They've let her reed snippets and she's managed to gather some information on her own, but there's some things they've held back from her.
She was right though. She was nineteen years old. She was old enough to know about her past and her family history. She had every right to know. It was her right.
They had a nice and easygoing breakfast. After church, Maria with Sebastian, Seb, Betsy and Am headed to the farm afterwards for lunch and dinner. Joel along with Betsy and Maria cooked in the kitchen while Becca stayed with the kids and helped on the farm.
It felt nice for her to be back on the farm again. She's been gone for awhile. She was grateful Joel asked her to tend to her garden. While she loved working on the memorial garden, she missed her garden at the farm she built from scratch. It warmed her heart to see Joel was still maintaining it as best he could. He even kept the fences repaired and repainted them for her.
Even thought she's been away, he still took care of something that's important to her. She loved him so much for that.
Her and the kids were dirty and sweaty when they came back into the house.
Joel smirked as he crossed his arms and leaned against the banister,'Its a good thing ya changed that pretty dress of yours.'
She smirked as she looked down at her dirtied overalls,'I'm gonna get me and the kids cleaned up before dinner.' She leaned up and gently pinched his cheek,'Thanks for cooking dinner. Me and the kids took care of the farm.'
'Ya didn't have to do that.' He shook his head,'I appreciate it, but that ain't why I asked ya here.'
'I know that.' She shrugged,'Maybe I missed it too. I miss the fun craziness and chaos, waking up at the ass crack of Dawn.' She nodded,'I appreciate ya letting me take care of the garden. And letting me be here with you.'
Her words were loaded yet so simple. He felt the same. Of course he did. He thought about what she wrote in the letters. He would have to talk to her about that. They would really have to talk about it because he couldn't stop thinking about it. She explained how hurt she felt, but her feelings didn't change. It only made her want to work harder.
'I feel the same.' She whispered as if reading his mind,'We do need to talk about them.' She heard Betsy call out Joel's name and smirked,'Later. You're being beckoned.'
He snorted as he watched her walk up the stairs. He knew she was going to get a shower and change back into her pretty dress.
He shook his head, trying not to think about her in the shower and getting changed in their room. He loved the fact she didn't even have to ask. This was still her home.
He walked back into the kitchen, cursing under his breath. That woman brought out the best and worst in him.
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Once dinner was finished, everyone gathered around the dinner table. The kids all sat separately while the adults sat at the main table. The kids were served first before they got ornery.
Betsy poured the women a glass of Merlot she managed to pick up somewhere. While Joel and Am sticked to water.
Joel looked around the table and met Maria's gaze. They both smiled sadly at one another. It was their first holiday without Tommy. They were both feeling the effects of his absence. He would be telling grand stories and stupid jokes, telling Becca embarrassing stories of Joel in their youth.
Joel and Maria both missed him in different ways. She missed the living warmth of her husband while he missed his brother. His best friend. Tommy was the main reason why he even came to Jackson in the first place. Now he was gone. He'll never get over that kind of loss. He doubted Maria would either. His therapist called it coping and getting through it day by day.
As time went on, some days were better than others.
He looked over at Becca, who was laughing about something with Betsy. He watched her out in the farm earlier, feeding the animals and brushing the horses. She looked like she belonged here. Sometimes he felt guilty for her leaving, but it had been her decision. Just because he respected it doesn't mean he has to like it.
They finished dinner and Becca, Ellie and Abby cleared off the table. Am helped with the dishes, which almost gave Betsy a heart attack. He never did the dishes at home.
Becca served her apple she baked and coffee. Abby and Ellie did the dishes. Becca and Joel were surprised when Ellie offered to put Matty up to bed. It was Joel's days for Matty. While she appreciated it having some time to herself, she missed having her son around all the time.
The adults gathered in the living room, but Joel noticed one person was missing.
He walked into the kitchen, but didn't find her there either. He walked outside, but didn't see her on the porch either. He squinted his eyes as he stepped off the porch. He walked down the path to the barn, thinking she might be in there.
His eyes widened when he saw the gleam of her red hair. She was sitting in the passenger seat of Tommy's old Chevy. After he died, he parked it next to the barn. Maria had given it to him. She didn't see a use for it. Joel didn't see a use for it either. He would much rather ride a horse anyway. Tires ruined his grass and gas was difficult to come by in this day and age. It didn't stop him from keeping the engine running and making sure the red paint was fresh.
He knew how much Tommy loved the thing. Before the outbreak, he was always tinkering around on old cars. He always talked about opening up his own shop one day. If only things came to be. In a way, it was like keeping his spirit alive.
He shook his head confusingly, wondering why she was sitting in the driver's seat.
He walked up to the car and opened the passenger side door. He stuck his head inside and smirked,'Goin somewhere, darlin?'
She jumped in fright, but immediately relaxed when she saw it was Joel. She laughed slightly and shook her head,'Not physically anyway.'
He sighed and nodded towards the seat,'May I?
'Of course.' She looked over at him warily,'I'm sorry I came in here without asking. I just needed some peace and quiet.' She shrugged,'The barn door was locked.'
Joel nodded and sighed,'I started keeping it locked up at night. Ya don't have to explain yourself, Bec.' He shrugged,'Go wherever ya want.'
He closed the door and leaned back against the seat. She was looking out the window and he wondered what was on her mind. Sometimes she goes so far away sometimes and he can't reach her.
She was silent for a moment and looked over at him, giving him a small smile,'I remember you taking me in this very car on our fancy date.'
He ran a hand through his hair and laughed,'We got all gussied up. I asked ya to marry me that night. Until it all went to shit.'
She shook her head and sighed,'I don't think about being shot when I think about that night. I just think about how happy you made me. When I woke up, all I could think about was saying yes to you.' She nervously wrung her hands in her lap,'I didn't want to die because it was the first choice…person I ever really chose for myself.'
He swallowed the lump in his throat as he looked her over,'When ya talked about dreading Easter in your letter, is it cause of religion?'
'No.' Her eyes filled with tears and she placed her hands on the steering wheel.
She wished they could drive somewhere. They didn't even need to have a destination in mind. They could take a long night drive and head to some high spot to look out at the city. They could go wherever they wanted, but this is all they've got. They needed to make the most of it.
Joel didn't speak. He waited for her to continue. He knew she wasn't finished and he was eager to listen.
'It took Jesus three days before he was resurrected.' She swallowed harshly,'David would march me up to this church house in Silver Lake. It was a small little hut that he converted into what he called a…sanctuary. It really was just a place for him to take young girls or…me.' She took a deep breath and closed her eyes,'I remember him constructing this huge cross to put on top of it.'
She looked out the window and laughed sardonically,'At exactly the time our Lord and Savior died on the cross, he would march me right on up to that church house. He would lock the door, our duct tape over my mouth so I couldn't speak. He would make me kneel in front of the altar while he stood on his pulpit and preached his sermons. I remember it being so cold up there on that mountain. My nose would bleed. It wasn't warm. I couldn't eat or drink. The scars on my back are from the lashings he gave me. I didn't sleep. I wasn't allowed. If I fell asleep then I would be punished for that.'
Tears fell from her eyes as she sighed shakily,'When you found me in the snow that night when we first got here. I had a nightmare thinking I was back in that church again and I had to get away. For the last three days, I kept thinking he was gonna come for me and take me back up to that church house. I couldn't sleep. Every time I tried to I would see him. My therapist has been helping me work through it.'
Joel gritted his teeth as he clenched his knees tightly. He knew David was a wannabe cult leader and a manipulative asshole. He was also a violent pedophile with a God complex. Joel was many things, but he wasn't evil. He wanted to bring him back from the dead and kill him all over again for what he did to her and Ellie.
He knew anger wouldn't help her right now. He needed to support her. He couldn't take back what was done to her. What he could do was be present. She was being vulnerable and he shouldn't be afraid of that.
He carefully placed his hand over both of his, noticing they were shaking slightly,'I'm sorry ya thought he couldn't tell me about this.'
'It's not your fault.' She felt him gently squeeze her hands as he leaned in closer to her,'I wasn't ready to admit it all to myself let alone you.'
Joel nervously chewed on his bottom lip as his eyes searched her face,'And today? Did he finally let ya out?'
She nodded slowly as she looked up at him, meeting his gaze,'On the time of his resurrection, he would finally open the doors, but I would have to beg for forgiveness and prove myself worthy. He would finally rip that duct tape off and I would give what Jesus did. My blood and…flesh.'
Joel closed his eyes, muttering under his breath,'Jesus.'
He sighed and cradled her face in his hands,'Ain't none of your Easter's gonna be like that again. I can promise ya that.'
She smiled tearfully as her eyes never wavered from his,'It's already been the best one I've had in years.'
Joel stroked her cheeks, not giving a goddamned about boundaries. First and foremost, she was his best friend and he would be there for her.
He wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of his hand,'Next year. I want ya to make me a promise. If we're together or not. If ya still feel like that three days before Easter. Come hang out here. Sleep in El's room.' He snorted,'She'll probably be moved out anyway. Now this ain't me thinkin your weak. I just know what it's like to be afraid of your own thoughts. Shit…fucks ya up sometimes and makes ya see things that aren't there.'
She frowned and she looked over his face,'Do ya still have dreams about Sarah?'
'About Sarah.' He nodded,'About shit I did with the Fireflies and Raiders.' He scrubbed a hand over his face,'What I said in one of my letters about seeing Tommy when I sleep?' She nodded and he continued,'Sometimes I dream of him being one of the doctors at the hospital. With you and Ellie.' He shook his head,'My therapist has a lotta theories for that. They've been getting better, but…talking about it with my therapist brings back a lotta old memories. Things drugs and alcohol used to make me forget.'
'Did the Fireflies make you…rape women?' She frowned,'Like what happened at the hospital?'
He closed his eyes and sighed, whispering admittedly,'I never did, but…I seen it happen. I sat back and watched. I let it happen. That makes me just as responsible.'
'You didn't have a choice.' She frowned,'They would've killed you or Tommy.'
She wouldn't ask if he ever witnessed Tommy being apart of any of that. It wasn't her business. She didn't think Joel was capable of it. Would he ever admit it? Would she even want to know?
'Sometimes I feel like a monster.' He looked up at her warily,'Do ya think I'm like David? Is that why ya pull away from me sometimes?'
'No fucking way.' She was the one to cup his cheek as he tried to avert his head away from her,'I know for a fact you're not like him. He was evil. You're a good man who did bad things to survive. There isn't excuses for what you did.'
'I killed innocent people. Kids and women.' He seethed,'I did fucked up shit.'
'So have I.' She shrugged,'We all have. I shot you for David and thought I killed you. Do you honestly think that's the first time I've done that? I helped you bury someone on those same mountains you stare around while having your coffee every morning.'
He smiled wryly as he shook his head sadly,'So you're saying we're both fucked up?'
She shook her head and chuckled dryly,'Aren't we all? We've all been through some shit. I just don't wanna do this alone.'
'Me neither.' He placed his hand on her leg, squeezing it gently,'Thank ya for telling me that. You'll never have to worry about that shit again.'
'You never asked about the scars on my back. You never wondered?'
'I wondered some but I didn't care.' He shrugged,'Ya never asked me about all my scars. I don't see em when I look at ya anyway. They're just apart of who ya are. Just like mine are.' He carefully placed a hand over the scar on her chest,'I care about this one though. Cause this is the one that kept ya alive. So we can get it right this time.'
She nodded as she placed her hand over his that was resting on her leg,'Walk me home?'
He grinned and opened the passenger side door,'I thought ya never ask. Maria left with Seb anyway. I figured she set us up.'
Becca smiled softly. She had a great family. They were rooting for them.
He held her hand as he walked her home. They stayed quiet for the most part, enjoying the slight chill in the air and comfortable silence that existed between them. They did a lot of talking tonight. It felt good to enjoy the silence.
He walked her up to the porch and scratched the back of his neck nervously,'It's been two weeks.'
She nodded and grinned,'Fourteen days today.'
He rolled his eyes and laughed,'Smartass. Tony said we could decide if we wanted to start dating again in two weeks.'
She bit back a smirk and nodded,'He did say that.' She folded her hands behind her back,'You gonna ask me or what?'
'I thought you were doing the wooing?' He tucked her hair behind her ear,'How about this Friday? I'll pick ya up at five?'
'Will do. I wouldn't miss it for the world.' She cupped his cheek and stroked it lightly,'Thank you for the best Easter I've ever had.' She frowned,'I know it wasn't easy with Tommy being gone, but I'm proud of you for being there for your family today.'
Her words choked him up and he coughed slightly,'It's what he woulda wanted. I'll see ya at therapy tomorrow?'
'Nine on the dot, Mr. Punctual.' She leaned up and kissed his cheek,'Goodnight, Joel. Happy Easter.'
His eyes widened at that and he bent down, giving her a kiss on top of her head,'Happy Easter, Becca.'
He waited for her to unlock the door. He made sure she locked the door behind her.
He walked off the porch and stood outside Maria's house, staring up at her window. He felt like a creep. He didn't know what possessed him to do it.
He saw her light come on and the silhouette of her figure moving about the room. His heart started pounding when the curtain opened.
Well, shit.
She smiled softly and waved at him, blowing a kiss. He looked up at her window, staring like a fucking fool and grinning like a teenager. He laughed when she closed the curtains.
Happy Easter, indeed.
(Next up, Becca and Joel finally go over the full files of her parents.)