Chapter 91: You can't escape your past…

'Don't drag old baggage into your new life.'

Becca and Joel were nervous as they sat in the kitchen waiting for Ellie to wake up. Becca came to the farm early so they could go over all the files. Joel kept them hidden safely away in the basement of the house. He kept them in a locked safe. No one knew the passcode but him and Becca. They didn't trust anyone else to have it. Not even Ellie. Lord knows what she would do with all of the information.

Joel took a sip of his coffee and looked over at Becca warily,'Should we just let her read everything at once?'

Becca shook her head and sighed,'Maybe it's better if she just reads one file at a time.'

Joel nodded silently as he sifted over through the folders for what felt like the hundredth time. Him and Becca must've read through the files over a thousand times. They carefully read through everything from top to bottom, skimming and combing through everything. The Fireflies took notes on everything. They even had files of every single one of their recruits.

Ellie walking into the kitchen, dressed and ready to start the day. Her eyes widened when she saw Becca sitting at the kitchen table. She didn't expect for her to be here today.

Becca looked up at Ellie and smiled softly,'Good morning, sweetheart.'

'Mornin.' Ellie walked over the counter and poured herself a cup of coffee, noticing the tension between the two,'What happened now?'

Joel rolled his eyes up to the heavens and shook his head,'Nothing happened.' He nodded to the empty chair across from them,'Take a seat. We got something to show ya.'

Ellie's heart dropped to her stomach. She didn't know what they wanted to show her. Knowing them, it could be anything.

She walked over to the table and took a seat across from them, placing her cup of coffee in front of her,'What's going on?'

Joel had three folders in front of him. One was a file on her mother and father. The third was his own.

He slid the folder of her mother in front of her,'I found these raiding one of the Firefly compounds.'

Ellie's eyes widened as she stared down at the folder. She didn't know Joel had these. After the attempted takeover of the town, Joel spent the next few months raising nearby abandoned Firefly camps. He knew them well enough to know where their old haunts would be.

In their first few months, he spent a lot of time away from home. He realized after a while all he was doing is chasing ghosts. The only thing it left him with files and the demise of his marriage. He refused to leave Jackson ever again. He could spend the rest of his life hunting down the remnants of his past or he could focus on the present.

Ellie deserved to know her past. Once she turned eighteen, him and Becca made a promise they would help her learn about her family in anyway they could. They just hoped Ellie wouldn't run off on her own.

Ellie opened up the file and saw the recognizable face of her father. She saw a few photos of him that Joel had shown her. He seemed older than her mom.

Joel and Becca stayed silently as they let her look through the file.

They looked over at each other warily. They knew they were doing the right thing. They were just afraid to reopen old wounds. They've discussed it at length and decided this was the best thing to do.

The file only had a few pages, but it had enough information for her to surmise a few things about him.

Roger Walters. Forty two. Rochester, New York. Father of three. Children deceased. Wife deceased.

Once she was finished reading over his file she kept repeating those words back. He had three sons. They died during the outbreak. His wife managed to survive for a few years, but was bitten. She wondered if that's what made him join the Fireflies.

She read through all the experiments he was apart of. Some of them involved women, children and even infants. It made her sick to her stomach her father would be involved in things like that.

Did he join their cause to try and save her?

Becca leaned over the table and grasped her hand,'Are you okay?'

Ellie stared down at the open folder and shook her head,'Yeah. I mean, I think so?' She sighed,'I knew he was into some fucked up shit, but to actually know about it?' Tears filled her eyes and she frowned,'Did he just date my mom to get her pregnant?'

Becca sighed as she picked up her mom's folder,'Date is a nice word. He manipulated her is more like it.'

Becca handed Anna's folder. Ellie took a deep breath to brace herself and opened up her folder. She saw her mom's photo staring back at her.

She couldn't help but notice how much she favored her mother. She didn't see much of herself in her father. Maybe it's because she didn't want to.

Her mama was beautiful. With blonde hair and big brown eyes. She seemed kind.

Anna Elizabeth Williams. Atlanta, Georgia. Twenty nine years old. Never married. Children preoutbreak: zero.

Ellie shook her head at that. It's disgusting how people are measured by who they were before the outbreak. Her mama was so much younger than her father.

Anna's file seemed more…clinical. There were updates notes about her becoming pregnant with a viable specimen. She was five months alone as the time the notes were written.

Viable specimen.

She knew they were referring to herself. She wondered if that's why her father chose her mother. Did he know Anna was immune as well? Is that why the Fireflies chose her?

As if reading her mind, Becca answered her question,'From reading the notes, I've come to the conclusion the Fireflies were choosing certain women because they knew they were immune.' She sighed and looked over at Joel warily,'I think that's why Tommy chose Maria.'

Ellie stared over at Joel and crossed her arms over her chest,'Like how Marlene hired you and Tess to take me to that hospital?'

'Yes.' He shrugged, seeing no reason to why to lie,'I knew what they were gonna do. Ya know that. I just didn't think Tommy would do something like that.' He averted his eyes downward,'I was in the Fireflies for almost six years. I stayed to keep an eye on Tommy, but once he left I was out.'

'Did ya know what they were doing?'

Joel closed his eyes and nodded slowly, whispering admittedly,'Yes. I was hired to…round a lotta them up.'

He kept his eyes downward. There were some things he was afraid to admit to. Maybe it was due to shame, but his therapist was right. Once he told the truth, it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He didn't have to keep anything from her anymore.

Ellie took some time to process the information. She was well aware of the fact Joel had been a Firefly at one point. He never hid that fact from her. When they first met, she wasn't stupid and knew of his intentions.

While she fully may never come to terms with everything he's done. She will forgive him. In her eyes, he was her father and atoned for his mistakes.

Ellie sighed as she placed her hand over his,'I know it took a lot for you to admit that. I'm not angry with you. I'm just…angry of what they did to my real mama. They used her like a fucking breeding mare. Do ya think I have any other siblings out there?'

'That could be a possibility.' Joel shrugged,'There's some more files to go through, but I figured we wouldn't go over them all at once. We'll let ya take some time to process everything today and then go over the rest.'

Ellie nodded as she closed her mother's folder,'Can I keep them?

'Or course.' Becca nodded and ran a hand through Ellie's hair,'We want them to be yours. You're an adult now and we made a promise to you. You have a right to everything.'

Ellie blinked away tears Joel gently squeezed her hand,'Thank you.'

Joel met Becca's eyes and reluctantly slid another folder in front of her,'One more. Here's mine.'

Becca slid her hand in Joel's underneath the table that was resting on his leg. She tangled their fingers together and squeezed his hand tightly. She knew what his folder contained. She's gone through it numerous times. At first, she had been shocked and appalled by some of the things she's read, but she understood the man in the file isn't anything compared to the man she fell in love with.

The Joel Miller written in that file is the man they wanted him to be. He was worth so much more than fighting, robbing and killing. She knew he was haunted by the things he's done. He was trying to rectify his mistakes by owning up to every single one.

Ellie's eyebrows raised in surprise. She hadn't expected to see Joel's file. She didn't even know it existed.

His file was bigger than her parents. There was almost twenty pieces of paper. They've kept tabs on him when he left the Fireflies. Even when he was in Boston's. Tommy kept notes of him while in Jackson.

She read through some of his missions he was acquired to do. The recon missions of finding people who were immune. Raiding and pillaging other communities for weapons and supplies. He killed women and children. Babies.

He joined the Firefiies at thirty one. A year after the outbreak began. Exactly one year to the date he lost Sarah.

There were some photos of him when he was a Firefly. His hair was dark black and he had leaner muscle. He was skinnier compared to how he is now. She preferred him the way he is now. He looked sullen back then. He had heavy bags under his eyes and his cheeks were sunken in. He looked hungry and broken. Devastated.

No. Ellie couldn't blame him for what he did. He didn't have anything to lose. He did what he needed to survive.

There were a few photos of him with Tess. She looked different back then too. Her blonde hair was shinier and she looked so much younger. She wondered if she could read her file one day. It was probably a real doozy.

Ellie nodded down at his file and shrugged,'I appreciate ya showing me this, but why does it matter?'

'So ya can know what kinda shit your old man used to be up to.' He shook his head and sighed,'I did the same shit as the council. The pieces of shit who tried to kill ya.'

'And ya got me outta there.' Ellie frowned,'You knew what they were gonna do and ya didn't let it happen. You got me the hell outta there. Ya killed Marlene for me. Someone who used to be your fucking girlfriend.' She rolled her eyes,'You never put your dick in crazy.'

Becca's eyes widened and she snorted,'I beg your pardon.'

Ellie and Joel smirked at each other. Joel couldn't argue with the kid. She was right. He didn't have a great track record when it came to women. He always chose the ones that ended up doing him harm.

He stared at Becca. She almost did him in, but she owned up to her own mistakes as well. She realized she had issues she needed to handle. She wasn't putting the sole blame on him on who they weren't having trouble in their marriage. She didn't run line Esther did, leaving him with kids to take care of on his own. She stayed to work things out. She actually wanted to fight for them.

It's what made her different out of every single damned one of them.

Ellie sighed and ducked her head to meet Joel's gaze,'I'm not gonna lie. After what happened at the hospital and I knew what was really gonna happen.' She took a moment to gather her courage, taking a deep breath,'For some time, I didn't trust you. I thought you were still working for them, but when they came here and…you kept fighting for us. I knew you weren't the same. You could've left us. You could've turned your backs on us at anytime but you didn't.'

Joel couldn't help but feel the tears in his eyes. For so long, he carried that burden and shame. He feared once Ellie knew what he's done she wouldn't want anything to do with him. Maybe in some small way, she already knew. She was quite a perceptive young woman.

He coughed slightly as he tried his hardest not to cry. She would never let him live it down. It's all he's wanted to hear from her.

Ellie didn't make any attempts to hug or comfort him. It wasn't their style. He knew how she felt though. He could see it in the way she looked at him. He knew her well enough to know shes forgiven him.

'I've forgiven you a long time ago, Joel.' Ellie smiled sadly,'Maybe it's time you forgave yourself too.' She looked up at the clock and sighed,'Shit, I have class in a half hour. I gotta go.' She averted her eyes between them,'Can we go over some more of them tomorrow?'

Becca and Joel looked at each other. Joel waited for Becca to slowly nod her head before he agreed. When they started this they promised each other it had to be a mutual decision between them. They both had to be on board for everything or Ellie wouldn't be comfortable. They were a family and this is something they needed to do together.

Ellie got up from her chair. She surprised them by standing behind them and wrapped her arms around both of your shoulders,'Thank you guys for not breaking your promise. I really love you.'

She ran out of the kitchen and they heard her making her way down the hall as she opened the front door and slammed it behind her. She didn't even realize she left her adoptive parents an emotional mess in the kitchen.

Becca blinked away tears as she looked up at Joel, seeing tears in his eyes. She wiped the tears off his cheeks with the back of her hand,'Are you okay?'

He ran shaky hands through his hair and shook his head,'I thought she would hate me after reading all that. I thought she would blame me.'

She frowned at his words. He expressed his fears about sharing certain information with her about his time with the Fireflies. He didn't want Ellie to hate him. He's realized in this moment their daughter didn't judge anyone by words on a paper. She saw people for how they treated her.

In a post outbreak world, no one was perfect. Everyone's done things they weren't proud of. Even Ellie had a few things she's wished she's never had to do or see.

Becca slid her chair closer to him and placed her hands on his legs,'She doesn't and she wouldn't. She's better than that. She's known a lot of what I did. She knew I shot you and the things David made me do. She isn't one to judge anyone. It's why I love the most about her.'

'Me too.' He laughed softly as he placed his hands over hers,'Were ya surprised when ya saw I was alive?'

Becca smiled sadly, knowing he was referring to Silver Lake,'To be honest? Yes. I really thought I killed you. When you pulled me outta that burning building. I thought I saw a ghost. I didn't think there was anyway you were surviving that.'

'I'm too stubborn to die.' He huffed,'I told ya your aim was shit.' He looked over her face as he took a deep breath and stroked the side of her hair,'What woulda happened if ya didn't shoot me? What woulda done to ya?'

'Killed Sadie and Dusty.' She frowned,'I ended up losing them anyway, but at least I had more time with them. When you pulled me outta that building and I saw you still alive. I knew it was a sign.'

'That I wasn't supposed be to die?' He smirked,'Is that why ya saved my life?'

He kept stroking her hair and she leaned into his touch,'I think we helped save each others' lives. I just didn't see ya surviving as a sign. When ya helped me that day, I knew you were someone who was gonna have an impact on my life. Someone that I wanted to know for the rest of my life. I don't live my life by feelings. You're the first time I ever did.' She shook her head,'I'll never regret it.'

'Neither will I.' He licked his lips as his eyes searched her face,'I didn't want the baggage, but I knew I couldn't just keep ya there. I had a feeling too.' He snorted,'If I knew ya were the one that shot me though? I woulda let ya burn to death in that damned building.'

'I wouldn't have expected anything less.' She frowned,'What do you think El's gonna do with the files?'

He laughed softly and shook his head,'Probably read them over and over again, wondering how long it'll take for her to get to Rochester, New York by horse.'

Her eyes widened and she dropped her head on his shoulder, 'Don't say that. Do you think her father's dead though?'

He rested his chin on top of her head and sighed,'I wish I knew, darlin. I thought I saw him at the hospital but I couldn't be sure. If he comes looking for her. We'll be ready for him.'

She looked up at him and bit back a frown,'You promise me you won't help her go looking for trouble?'

'I promise.' He grinned,'I have enough trouble back here at home.'

She laughed at that and looked up at the clock,'I should get Matty so we can get going. I have to be at Betsy's shop pretty soon.'

He nodded and kissed the top of her head quickly before pulling back,'I need to get started on the farm anyway.'

Becca got up from the chair as he followed her out into the living room where Matty was napping on the floor. He helped her put together Matty's diaper bag before walking her out.

He carried Matty's stroller down the steps and carefully placed him inside. This was always the worst part of his day. Saying goodbye to them.

He made sure Matty was safely strapped in before standing up straight,'We still on for tomorrow night?'

'We sure are.' She grinned as she wiped the remnants of his tears off his cheeks,'You were really brave today. I'm proud of you.'

He nodded as he bent down and kissed Matty's cheeks,'Thanks for being here and sticking by me like that. It helped having someone here.' He shook his head,'Not just anyone.'

She smiled tearfully. She knew what he meant. He wanted her. It meant the world to her that he asked her to come. It was something so deeply personal between him and Ellie, but they both trusted her enough to be there. She's never loved them more than she did in this moment.

She cupped his cheek and kissed his other one,'I'll see ya tonight for my goodnight.'

He squinted his eyes and smirked,'I told ya. I just happen to ride by.'

'Yeah yeah yeah.' She pushed Matty's stroller down the path and blew him a kiss,'I'll be here tomorrow morning to go over things with Ellie. If you need me you know where to find me.' She winked,'Even if you don't and just wanna talk. I don't mind that either.'

He nodded and sighed to himself as he watched her walking down the path. He would have to take her up on that. Since they've started therapy together, he's realized how much he's enjoyed talking to her. Sure, they've talked a lot in these past years, but this is the first time they've really talked to each other. It felt wonderful to finally have these conversations with her. He was starting to understand what true intimacy felt like with another person.

He managed to tackle one hurdle relatively unscathed. Tomorrow was always a new day.