Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters.
A/N: Thanks to Eminnis for beta-ing this story.
Chapter Sixteen
Conversations
Hermione sighed, she had been staring at her friends trying to think of the best way to start this conversation for the past few minutes and still nothing would come. She knew part of the reason she was drawing a blank was because there were so many questions she wanted to ask of Ron, personal questions, but she knew that she had to deal with the issue between Ron and Harry first. During this time both boys were lost in thought, getting worse with every passing second.
Harry felt numb inside. Ron left … his best friend left … the first person that ever liked him, his first friend … he just left. He couldn't believe the words that were repeating themselves in his mind. Ron, who had stuck by him through all the terrible stuff that happened in his life since becoming a wizard was gone.
Of course, Harry realized the friend next to him didn't leave … he didn't say those things to him, but the thought that this might happen filled Harry's insides like poison. How could he know that this Ron wouldn't abandon him too?
Ron felt cold inside. He couldn't believe the depth of his weakness in this last chapter. He always knew that he was the weak link in the group, but to abandon them. To leave Harry and Hermione like that … in the middle of some forest … during the war! What the hell was he thinking? Didn't he know what dangers they would be in? How would he ever live with himself if something happened to either of them. Sure, he knew he would be worried about his family, but why couldn't he see that Harry was too.
Oh, because he had to be a blind git that only cared about his own bloody feelings … He knew Harry cared about his family … he wouldn't want anything to happen to them. And what he said to Hermione, asking her to come with him … trying to make sure that Harry was truly alone … what was he thinking?
You know what you were thinking, you know you've always thought this. They're so bloody similar … Harry knows how to react to her so much easier … she's always hugging him … never hugging you. It's time you face it and let it go. You can't let your diluted feelings for her destroy all of your friendships. These thoughts ran bitterly through Ron's head.
Wishful thinking Ron, but there's no way you could just let these feelings go … you know how hard you've tried to deny them already. Ron argued with himself, and he knew this was true. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't get Hermione out of his head. He was forced to admit he fancied her after the Yule Ball, when she went to the dance with that ruddy pumpkin head, though he realized now that he had liked her more than just a friend long before that. Oh, how it angered him every time he thought of Krum even being near Hermione, but that was nothing close to the jealousy that pops up every once in a while, when he thought Harry might actually like Hermione.
That would be one of the cruelest of fates for him to imagine. Harry and Hermione together, for he knew that he would hate Harry for that, though he also knew that he couldn't ever truly hate him. Still, even as he thought of that and the pain that that image brought; he couldn't believe that he actually left. For that might have been cruel, and he wasn't sure what he would do, but an even worse fate would be if either Harry or … his whole being shuddered as he thought … Hermione had died.
So how could he have left knowing that …? How could he have left them, even if his worse fears were confirmed and they were together, wouldn't that pain be preferable to the pain of knowing you left the two people you probably cared about most in this world?
And then he shut his eyes, for he knew another reason why he left, a reason that wasn't mentioned in the book for he hadn't shouted it. He left because he knew they would be better off if he was gone. They didn't need a whining git with them all the time. All he did was complain. He wasted their resources. He argued with the both of them, causing everyone to be tense … They didn't need him there … Especially when he couldn't even prove that he would stick by them through thick and thin … He was such of waste of effing space …
"I can't take this anymore," Hermione groaned then, causing both Ron and Harry to jump but neither one of them looked at her. "Argh … we've got to talk about this …!"
"What's there to talk about?" Harry said in a hollow voice that made Ron cringe.
There was another long and very uncomfortable silence.
"Ron! You have to tell us why you left," Hermione pleaded.
No answer.
"Please … it's the only way we can help …." Hermione said, clearly crying now, and Ron cringed again, he was hurting her, but he didn't know what to say.
"What do you want me to say, Hermione?" Ron said, not looking up. "I'm a bloody coward … that's lower than scum …."
"Ron … no," Hermione groaned. "I don't …."
"Don't! You wanted to hear want I'm feeling," Ron said suddenly standing up. "Well, this is it … I feel like crap! And I wouldn't blame you at all if neither of you wanted to see me again …."
Harry looked up slowly, his eyes were cold and distant. He looked Ron in the eye indifferently before looking away. So, Ron did want to leave …
The look that Harry had given him made Ron feel like he had just swallowed burning coal. He covered his face again with his hands, one of which was pinching the bridge of his nose.
"It's not like I can blame you," Ron said in a low, defeated voice. "The only thing that I've ever had to offer you is backing you up and I can't even do that right."
"Ron, don't say that, you've always been there for Harry," Hermione said and Ron felt his heart pound in his chest in an unwanted relieved way. He shouldn't be feeling relieved right now, when he should be cursed for what he had done or will do. But he couldn't help it, clearly Hermione still wanted to be his friend.
Still, Ron wasn't one to give up his surly mood easily at the best of times and this was far from that. In fact, he can't remember a time when he felt worse. "Have you forgotten last year already?" he scoffed and flinched at the harshness in his voice.
"That …." Hermione started, biting her lip. Clearly, she was trying to think of something to say to that, "that was something that had to happen."
"Had to happen?" Ron scoffed again.
"If you insist on bottling up all your fears and concerns then of course they're going to burst open like that and cause a much bigger fight than there had to be!" Hermione snapped. "It happened last year … and that's what's happening now! Don't you see … you're holding something back Ron! And if you don't tell us … it's … it's going to eat you up inside!"
Ron turned away from her, "just leave me alone Hermione …."
"No!" Hermione said grabbing his arm and spinning him, so he was facing her and then until he was facing Harry. Harry wasn't looking at him, his expression wasn't cold as it was moments ago, in fact he looked more hurt than anything else.
"Harry …." Ron said weakly looking at his friend.
When Harry's eyes met this time, he knew Hermione was right, he had to tell his friend why he had left, he owed Harry that much at least.
"You've always been better than me Harry, I've been trying to keep step with you knowing that I had to, but I can't," Ron said, the words flowed from his mouth with ease now, though it hurt to say.
"Argh!" Harry growled in annoyance. "Haven't we already had this fight before … I can't help what happens to me … nor the bloody unwanted fame I get from …!"
"Damnit Harry, that's not what I'm talking about!" Ron shouted over his friend. "I don't care about that anymore … or at least it's not important anymore. I know you're always going to be bloody famous, and let's face it you actually do deserve to be after all you have done … and I don't need to hear how you didn't really do anything!
"No, I'm not talking about you at all … I'm talking about me," Ron continued, his face contorting in pain now, as he felt shameful tears brim in his eyes. "There's nothing I bring to our group … I'm just an effing waste of space. I'm an effing weakness to you … you're better off without me whining all the bloody time!"
Harry gave a humorless laugh, "you think I'm better off with you leaving? You think that having my best friend … one of the two people that I completely trust my life with … you think I would be better off with you gone!" his voice became angrier the longer he talked. "You have no idea do you …?"
Ron didn't pay attention to Harry's last question as he listened to Harry's words. He didn't know it was possible, but he felt worse than he did before. Harry trusted him and he let him down … he was more than just useless.
"Ron!" Harry said firmly and Ron looked at him, "you have no idea what the hell I went through before I came to Hogwarts …." Ron and Hermione both flinched at that, both thinking of their earlier discovery that day that Harry had lived in a cupboard for ten years and wondered what other tortures he had to endure. "You were the first friend I ever made … and you might think it was just because you were the one that sat next to me, but it's not. If I sat next to anyone else, I doubt they would have become my best friend … even if it was Hermione … no offense Mione, but it was different with you …."
"I know," Hermione said, not really offended.
"I hardly ever talked to anyone before you and yet it was easy as hell to say whatever I was thinking," Harry said, having no idea where he was going with this but didn't pause to think it through. "You say you don't do anything for me … but damnit Ron, you make me feel like I'm an effing human being. That I'm not just some bloody hero that everyone wants me to be … and I know you realized I was Harry Potter, but you never treated me like that …."
"You weren't exactly what I expected you to be," Ron mumbled dimly, "it was easy to think of you as just another bloke …."
"Do you know how many people did that? I can list them all on one hand," Harry said. "Well two, if I allow them to have the initial outburst of recognition," he added looking at Hermione. "You know, after they have listed all the books that I've been in and all …."
"Shut up," Hermione groaned, hoping to keep the lighter atmosphere in the room.
"The twins were pretty cool too, after they met me, and Neville never really bothered me … I suppose I know why now," Harry went on, and he thought about the trial he witnessed less than a year ago, and how Neville understood tragedy and how unwelcome attention was. "That's about it …."
"I still don't see your point Harry," Ron said, looking down.
"My point is that you were the first person to accept me for who I was," Harry said, "and I've always drawn strength from that. You have no idea how many times that I've thought of you and Hermione when I was sure I was going to die … how that always makes me fight harder …."
Harry broke off there. He seemed unable to say anything else. Hermione grabbed his arm, tears in her eyes and he hugged her.
Ron watched them and felt a pang in his heart, but he didn't let that effect what Harry's words had just done to him.
"It's not just that Ron," Hermione said, she was no longer hugging Harry, but his arm was still over her shoulder. "You say that you've never done anything to help, but that's just not true. You probably don't think it matters but there are so many little things that you've done that keep Harry and I going."
"What are you talking about?" Ron said looking at her confused.
"You make us laugh," Hermione said, and Ron rolled his eyes.
"Oh great … I'm a bloody clown now," Ron groaned.
"You always make me take a break when I'm working myself to death," Hermione said, "I know I complain all the time, and put up a fight, but honestly nine out of ten times you're right. And you do the same thing with Harry … er … obviously not about him working too hard … I mean honestly Harry; would it kill you if you put a little more effort in your homework?"
"Not the point, Hermione," Harry rolled his eyes.
"Right," Hermione said and then turned back to Ron, "you always know the right thing to say to him get to him out of his funks … I never know what to say …."
"What are you talking about Mione?" Ron furrowed his eyebrows. "I think you've got that reverse."
"Nah, it's true mate," Harry admitted.
"Mate," Ron repeated, hesitantly but hopefully.
"Yeah, mate," Harry smiled. "Weren't you listening to anything I was saying."
"Yeah," Ron smiled back.
Harry's smile wavered then, and a sad expression crossed his face, "Um … you don't have any other reason to ditch me again … because honestly mate I don't think I can handle that."
Ron sighed, looking between Harry and Hermione, and shook his head.
"Are you sure?" Harry said, noticing the look and finding it odd. Ron was obviously holding back.
"I think I might know what this is about," Hermione said and Ron looked at her terrified. He tried to read if she did in fact know what he was thinking but her eyes were unreadable. "I just have to make one thing clear to you Ronald."
Yeah, she definitely knew his secret, and now she was going to let him down easily, tell him that she didn't want to risk their friendship, "I'm listening," he said in a resigned voice.
"I just wanted to tell you that …." Hermione started to say to Ron, but then turned to Harry with a smile, "I love you, Harry …." Ron's heart felt like it was breaking "… like a brother."
Harry beamed at her; it was the first time he heard that someone loved him. Of course, he knew that his friends loved him, why else would they constantly put their life in danger for him if they didn't, but it was completely different hearing it said out loud.
Ron's head shot up; he couldn't believe his ears … like a brother. She loves Harry like a brother … he doesn't have anything to worry about. Well, unless Harry felt differently and he tried to change her mind, he probably could do it too, Harry is a great guy. However, looking at Harry, he had a feeling that wasn't what Harry was thinking at the moment. In fact, Harry looked very pleased indeed that Hermione felt that way about him.
"Well, I love you like a sister Hermione," Harry said, his smile was radiant, and he pulled her into a bone crushing hug he had learn from Molly.
"Harry, you're crushing me to death," Hermione protested, but she was giggling.
Ron, however, was still trying to process what he had heard. So, he didn't have to worry about Harry and Hermione getting together, thank Merlin, but that doesn't mean that she likes you. But why did she tell you that she loves Harry like a brother … how does she feel about you?
"Mione," Ron said, and his heart was hammering in his chest. He was about to ask something that could possibly change his life forever.
"Yes," Hermione said, and there was a knowing look in her eyes that was usually there in class when she was about to tell the teacher an answer to a difficult problem no one else could solve. She disentangled herself from Harry, who was looking between them with a similar knowing look.
"Er … how do you feel about me?" Ron asked, his voice going an octave higher than normal.
"Well … not like a brother … that's for sure," Hermione said, taking a step towards him, her eyes were flickering with amusement about something. Ron took a step back, he felt terrified having her walk closer towards him.
"Oh … er … good," Ron mumbled, and it was good, he didn't want her thinking of him as a brother.
"Yes … it is," Hermione said. She sounded so confident, but in reality, she wasn't. She was a bundle of nerves. She had steeled herself to do this, but she was terrified that she had read all the signs wrong. As she took another step closer to him, she heard 'I get it. You choose him!' and she knew that could only mean one thing. She couldn't be as sure the Ron before her would feel that same way, but she thought she saw it in his eyes …
"Er … then how do you feel?" Ron's words were so soft that she had to struggle to hear them, despite the fact that she was a mere foot away from him now.
"Like this," Hermione said before she closed the gap between them with one swift step and went up on her tiptoes, so she could press her lips against his. Her eyes closed when her lips made contact with his and though it only lasted a moment, she felt her whole-body tingle at the experience. Then she went back down on the balls of her feet, her eyes still closed, as she processed what she just did. She felt a chill go through her as she thought about what would happen if she had been wrong … what if Ron didn't like her back?
She opened her eyes slowly, biting her lip, her nerves were on edge watching Ron's shocked expression. Damnit, damnit, damnit … he doesn't like me … I might have just ruined our friendship!
"Mione," Ron breathed out still looking confused, "you kissed me!"
Hermione lip quivered, he didn't know what to say … he didn't know how to let her down easy and now this was always going to be hanging over them.
"You kissed me!" he repeated, but this time his words gave her hope for he was now smiling.
"Do you have a problem with that?" Hermione didn't know where that question came from, but it seemed to be her mouth.
"Not at all," Ron beamed at her, lifting her chin as he lowered his head, their lips meeting again.
"Well … I supposed that's my cue to go," Harry said.
Ron and Hermione looked at him and both said, "yeah that would be nice."
"Just remember Ron, Hermione's my sister now, so …." Harry said in a very stern voice.
"You need to work on your big brother speech," Ron informed him.
"Big brother … hello, Harry's younger than me," Hermione said, "so are you for that matter."
"She has a point Ron, do you really want to be stuck with an older woman," Harry chuckled.
"Watch it … just because I love you doesn't mean I won't kick your arse!" Hermione glared at Harry.
"Did Hermione Granger just swear?" Harry said in mock astonishment.
"Merlin, that's bloody hot," Ron said, feeling relieved that he could finally say something like that out loud.
"Really?" Hermione turned to him with a raised eyebrow.
"Really," Ron smiled and leaned down again to capture her mouth, seconds later they heard a door close marking Harry's exit.
O
"I can't believe it!" Fred said as everyone walked out of the room they were in and into a room that looked very similar. Everyone except for the Weasleys kept walking towards the various bedrooms. Fleur hesitated for a moment, but she figured that she didn't really have anything to add to whatever it was that was going to happen, and Bill would prefer to be alone with his family.
"Now boys," Arthur sighed in a tired and sad voice, "I don't want you to be too hard on your brother … I know that what happened is …." he paused to look for the right word.
"The bloody worse thing anyone could possibly do!" George said hotly.
Arthur sighed. "Don't you think Ron already knows that … don't you think he would be punishing himself knowing what he did …."
"Hmph," the twins crossed their arms.
"He left Harry and Hermione alone were there's a high probability that they would get killed and you want us just to forgive him for that!" Ginny said hotly.
"Yeah," the twins chorused. "That's not bloody likely."
"I never would have thought Ron would do such a thing," George said, frowning.
"But he did and …." Fred started to say.
"You leave him alone!" Percy said sharply standing in front of Fred.
Fred glared at his brother, "It figures you would take his side … I bet you think he did the right thing. You think Harry's a lunatic, after all, that just trying to make a name for himself …."
"SHUT UP!" Percy shouted, catching Fred off guard, for Percy looked different than he normally did. Percy took a deep breath to compose himself, and when he spoke, he didn't quite manage to disguise the pain in his voice. "You're right. It does figure I would take Ron's side, but not because I think he did the right thing, but because I know what it feels like to let your pride take over and you say things that you can never take back!
"Dad is right … you can't imagine the guilt that is wracking through Ron right now, and he hasn't even done anything yet … he has a chance to take back his mistake!" Percy said, breathing heavily, not even bothering to wipe away the tears that started to form in his eyes.
"Percy," Arthur said, extending a hand to him.
"I'm sorry dad, I shouldn't have … I …." Percy said unable to say more.
"I know son," Arthur said pulling his third eldest son into a hug. Percy hugged his father back, he couldn't believe how much better he felt now, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulder.
"I said horrible things to you, Father …." Percy started to say as he pulled away from his father.
"I did too," Arthur frowned. "Don't think you're the only one that regretted what happened that day …."
Percy nodded his head, and then turned back to the rest of his family.
They all looked uncomfortable, not knowing how they should react to him now. He had apologized and their dad had accepted, so they should accept it, too. Molly had indeed accepted it, for she moved to her son and hugged him in her bone crushing way, and then kept hold of him after she had loosened her grip.
Percy cleared his throat so he could continue his defense of his youngest brother, "I don't know if you've seen this, but Ron has tried to measure up to the rest of us … and that's a lot to handle. It was a lot for me to handle and I only have two older brothers. Then he goes and makes friends with the most famous person possible and the smartest witch that the school likely has and that couldn't have helped his confidence any …."
"I don't get your point," Fred said. "What does this have to do with Ron leaving …?"
Percy shrugged and said, "I'm sure this effected his decision."
"Ron also thinks that something is going to happen between Harry and Hermione," Molly added, she had seen that before today, the way Ron would frown sometimes when the other two were talking. She also heard it in Ron's parting words to Hermione that he felt that way.
"Really!" Charlie said astounded. "I thought Hermione liked Ron …."
"Well duh!" Fred said rolling his eyes, "why do you think we were making all those jokes about Ron and Hermione …?"
"And why we stopped calling her Mione … she obviously liked it when only Ronniekins called her that," George chuckled.
"Oh, so he's Ronniekins again," Ginny said frowning.
"I suppose," George sighed. "I kind of get what everyone saying … though I'm still disappointed that he would just leave like that."
"And that doesn't mean that I won't be angry when this is brought up in the book tomorrow," Fred added, "Merlin it's going to be hard to read the next chapter, I'm sure."
"This whole book has been hard to read," Molly groaned.
"Come on … we really should get some sleep," Arthur said to his family and they all nodded their heads, looking thoughtful.
O
"Damnit!" Sirius said, he was pacing the room that he was sharing with Remus. "How can he just leave Harry liked that … doesn't he know how much Harry needs him …?"
"I'm not sure he does," Remus said softly.
"Damnit, Remus, why aren't you angry about this?" Sirius turned his anger on him.
"Because it's not my place to be angry," Remus frowned. "Sirius they're best friends …."
"That only makes it …." Sirius tried to interrupt.
"And even the best of friends will fight sometimes," Remus went on. "I can remember a few fights you had with James that had become really nasty."
"That's different … I never would have left James in …!" Sirius shouted.
"I'm not saying you would Sirius," Remus said. "But Ron isn't you and Harry's not James … and we probably would have died a long time ago if we had to go through what they had."
Sirius didn't say anything to that.
"And it's not like there was ever a good time for them to have a fight," Remus went on thoughtfully, "it seems like Harry has had a difficult life …."
"Remus," Sirius sighed, and he was no longer thinking about the fact that Ron had left. "You didn't know about the basilisk either, right?"
"No," Remus shook his head, "he has had a much harder life than I ever wanted him to have … And hearing what his life at the Dursleys' is like …."
"I never should have gone after that rat," Sirius said, his expression bleak. "I should have taken care of Harry …."
"Even if you didn't chase after him, the Ministry would still have believed that you were James's secret keeper … that you betrayed them," Remus said gravely.
"Yeah," Sirius admitted bitterly. "I just …."
"I'm the one that should have done more," Remus said, angry at himself. "I should have checked up on him … I should have …."
"Don't, Remus," Sirius grabbed his shoulder. "We've already suffered enough to add more to it."
"True," Remus allowed, seeing as Sirius had spent twelve years in Azkaban with the dementors and he spent that time believing that everyone he cared about was either dead or a traitor.
"We've all suffered, Harry too, but all we can do now is stick together and make sure that nothing happens to any of us," Sirius said and then there was a twinkle of amusement in his eyes. "And it seems that all of us now includes my littlest cousin."
"I don't see how Draco is involved here," Remus frowned.
"I was talking about Tonks, and you know it," Sirius pouted.
"Yeah," Remus chuckled. "It seems like it does include her …."
"And perhaps a little one in the future," Sirius added.
"Maybe," Remus said still feeling reserved about this, but he took out the note that his future son had written to him and smiled. It was more than he ever thought he could hope for, but he couldn't help but wanting it more than ever. A family of his own, a son he could raise and teach values to.
"Tonks is the perfect girl for you too," Sirius said, seeming to know what Remus was thinking about. "She won't let you get away with all your depressing crap … and she's got a good personality, something I thought you would have overlooked in your quest to find a smart girl … which by the way she is very intelligent …."
"Yes, thank you Sirius, I do know all this," Remus rolled his eyes.
"I just thought I would help," Sirius shrugged, and it wasn't long after that that the marauders went to bed.
O
"Ron … um … how did we get on the couch?" Hermione asked. She had no idea how long ago that Harry had left but she knew she was now on the couch lying on Ron's chest.
"Er … I'm not sure," Ron said and then chuckled. "But I can get use to this."
"Hm …." Hermione hummed in agreement, "this is nice."
"Er … so Mione … I was just wondering what this means," Ron said and Hermione moved slightly so she could look at him in the eyes. She noticed than that his ears were red as he continued to say, "I mean … are you my girlfriend now …?"
"Well, I better be, you don't think I just go around snogging just any boy like this do you?" Hermione said, amused.
"No," Ron chuckled but this did bring up another question that he was dying to ask but at the same time he didn't want to know.
"Yes Ron, I kissed Viktor," Hermione said and Ron groaned, nope, he didn't want to know the answer to that question that he didn't even ask. "But it was nothing like this … it couldn't be, because you've always been the one that I liked."
"You liked me then?" Ron said and Hermione nodded her head. "Then why did you go to the ball with that git …."
"Don't call him that, he's really not …." Hermione started to say.
"He'll always be a git to me Hermione, I can't help it," Ron said.
"That's too bad," Hermione sighed, "and I went with him because I didn't think you would ever ask me … I didn't think you liked me that way."
"I've always liked you Mione," Ron said smiling and Hermione smiled back. Hermione leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss before she moved her head back to his chest. She closed her eyes and smiled as he played with her hair ….