A/N: Hey y'all. I'm sorry about this, but big warning that this chapter isn't like my usual fluffy, happy, or smutty content. Please proceed with caution if you're sensitive to any or all of the things in this one (noted below), or feel absolutely free to ignore and skip right over this chapter and go look up some animal videos or memes if you need to; I promise I won't mind at all ❤️ (There is a short backstory to why I wrote it below if you'd just like to read that and skip the chapter, just scroll all the way down to the bottom.)

In which Tori has a bad reaction to anti depression medication (includes darkish thoughts/themes, name drop of a medication, just an all around super awful bad mental time for a character);

The first night was the best of the four following ones, but that's using the word loosely.

Tori spent her day doing her usual routine, and in the evening she took the first of the newly prescribed antidepressants she'd been given earlier that day, directly after eating a warm and hearty bowl of oatmeal, as per the medication's 'eat with food' directions.

She slept, but it was an uncomfortable sleep; like she'd just been stuck between being asleep and awake all night long. In the morning she shrugged it off, and was in good spirits most of the rest of that day.

It would be the last time she'd felt some sort of normalcy and happiness for a while.

The second evening, she ate something warm and filling with her medication again, but less than half an hour later, a deep, unexplainable sadness suddenly fell over her. She cried in her bed for two hours straight. Her doctor had scribbled the number for the hospital's after hours help hotline on her business card, but Tori hadn't called it. She couldn't stop crying long enough to talk. She actually fell asleep before she'd stopped completely crying, waking up early the next morning with a damp pillow and feeling exhausted.

She had to work that day, part time work for a friend of her mom's in her family run home business. Tori usually enjoyed her little job, getting out of the house and keeping her mind busy, but she didn't see the point of it today. That day had been a slow blur of wading through paperwork, except for right in the middle of the day when she'd had to excuse herself and retreat to the back office where her mom's friend usually kept water bottles and snacks for them to have during the day during the slow hours. She was suddenly very dizzy, and for a brief moment didn't even remember where she was, but had shaken it off by the time her mom's friend had come back there to ask if she was alright, and Tori had just smiled and said she was okay, no worries. She did stay back there for a few extra minutes, slowly sipping water and trying to self soothe herself.

She later didn't even remember getting home later that day, and wasn't looking forward to taking medication tablet number three (despite the slight brain fog she'd developed, she still clearly remembered this was the third day and tablet, something she found a little crazy, honestly). As soon as she'd hesitantly taken it, the unexplainable sadness washed over her again, and she cried on and off for another two hours. Tonight was a bit different though, and between bouts of crying, she managed to call the after hours hotline and tell them what was happening. The person on the other end of the line boredly explained that the medication she was taking had the side effects she was experiencing, and that it takes the body and mind time to adjust and to just wait it out and try to distract herself with something tonight and call back tomorrow. This just made Tori start crying again, as it offered almost no help to what she was going through, but she thanked them anyway and hung up. Next, she emailed the woman who'd prescribed the medication to her telling her that she didn't feel like the medication was working, and got the same (automated) message that she'd basically been told minutes before about the medication's side effects and that she just had to wait it out. Again, no help there. She felt sad and hopeless. Tori ended up not sleeping at all that night. She called off work the next morning, something she never did if she could help it. She spent the entire day in bed, not eating or drinking or even brushing her teeth, dreading the coming evening and what could possibly happen that night.

As expected, the exact same things all happened that evening (two hours of crying, calling for help and again getting no helpful reply except to just wait it out). Almost angry at this point, Tori turned to her laptop and blindly picked a season of a comfort tv show she liked from the streaming app she used, and ended up staying up all night and finished the whole season in one go (having to confirm many times that yes, she was still watching). The show that always usually made her laugh (or at least crack a smile or five per episode) had no reaction on her. On the contrary, she'd had dark thoughts throughout that show marathon.

The kind of thoughts she'd only ever had before in passing in her life during the other deep depression periods of her younger teen years.

But this time, she wanted to do something about them. The urge was there.

Morning had finally come, and she didn't end up doing anything, but the night had been so long and her mind had been so loud.

She didn't even know what day of the week it was or if she had work or not, but she'd had it. Five days on this antidepressant, and she didn't see the point of anything anymore. It was clearly not working. Sure, she had been told to "wait it out" because the side effects came before the relief, and sure she wasn't an expert, but she didn't think what she was feeling were 'normal' reactions to it (she hadn't gone online and researched it to try to save scaring herself and making herself believe she had all the symptoms, as was a habit of hers).

She had crossed into dangerous territory last night because the urge had risen, something she'd always been able to brush off before (now that it was daytime the urge had faded, but Tori had wrapped her arms tightly around herself in her blanket so she couldn't do so much as scratch herself).

The offending medication bottle sat on her bed's side table, full of the rest of her first dose of little white tablets, and she glared at it.

RX: 6364273

VEGA, VICTORIA

Lexapro, 10 MG

'This medication should be taken once daily, with or without food.'

"Fuck that," Tori said aloud. She hadn't even been aware she'd spoken. She wanted this to be over. She was spiraling. She hadn't slept all night, but the thoughts had continued all night. She was worn out mentally and physically, and didn't know what to do. She was nearing the end of her rope.

The next thing she knew, she was in the front seat of her sister's car being driven to work, and for the first time in five days, in that moment she felt truly 'awake' and aware about how awful she felt about this whole fucking thing. She knew she was going to cry and have the tantrum that had built up inside her the last few days only moments before it happened. Trina was surprised by the sudden sob Tori had let out, turning to her sister in the front seat just as the tears started falling.

"I can't do this, I don't want to do this," she managed tearfully. "No more medication, I can't do this anymore!"

"Tori...?"

"I hate Lexapro! I want to die! I can't do this! It's so awful!" Tori wailed, suddenly angry. Trina was so taken aback by Tori's words, she pulled the car over at the next possible place, a gas station parking lot. She parked, killed the engine, unbuckled her seatbelt, and leaned over to grab her sister as best she could in a bearhug.

"It's okay, you're okay," Trina tried to console her crying sister. "I'm here, you're safe. Let it out."

She allowed Tori to cry in her arms for ten minutes, screaming her outrage and exhaustion and hatred towards the medicine she'd been prescribed five days ago that had sent her mind to terrifying dark places, before she finally started calming down.

"We're going right home to throw that medication out," Trina said, once Tori had calmed down a little and had slumped back against the seat's back. "Then I'm going to call that damn therapist of yours—"

"It's not her fault I had a bad reaction," Tori sniffed weakly, but Trina shook her head.

"No, I'm going to chew her out for telling you to just 'deal with it' after you told her you didn't feel right about it. That wasn't right of her at all."

"S-she said it takes time—"

"Tori, stop fighting this. I'm not an expert but I don't think you should want to kill yourself after taking medication for five days," Trina said. "It's obviously the wrong thing for you. Let me handle this."

Tori just sniffed again, nodding her head. Her head felt foggy and her nose was stuffed and her whole body hurt, but she felt a tiny glimmer of hope deep inside her. She wouldn't have to take the medication anymore. Someone had validated her. Her sister had validated her experience; she'd thought about someone other than herself for a moment, and she was willing to help Tori. She was a little curious as to why, but she didn't question it at that moment.

"Thank you," Tori said, the tears falling again.

"You're welcome. I'm going to help you through this, I promise," Trina said, starting her car again, and starting to mentally prepare what she was going to say to Tori's therapist.

The rest of that week had been awful (nothing compared to the previous days, but stopping a medication cold turkey was never a good idea either, even if it made one feel as awful as it had made Tori feel), but with enough water, hot showers and baths, self care, walks, and support from her sister, Tori managed to get through it. She never bothered to pick up the new medication her therapist had prescribed her after Trina had chewed her out over the phone and Tori had emailed her that she was stopping the other one (or even look up what it was; she'd still been traumatized from the first experience and wasn't ready to dive into or even think about something else yet). She switched therapists, this time landing with a woman who helped her talk through her recent experience and like Trina, validated her feelings and the whole experience. Tori still knew it hadn't been her previous therapists' fault that she'd had a bad reaction with the medication, but she preferred to not have to talk to her again after everything that had happened.

Tori's anxiety and depression continued, but she discovered new ways to manage it: daily walks, meditation and breathing exercises, mindfulness for when she began spiraling; she worked and practiced each every day. She'd been in a rut before her experience, but it had been safe to say the medication episode had broken it. She got a new job, and managed to meet someone, something else that she and her therapist had discussed in passing.

Jade was outwardly bitter, but genuinely cared about Tori and her experiences and what she'd been through (she'd even helped Tori through a few panic attacks when something had happened to trigger Tori's memories of the medication episode with patience, love and understanding).

Tori had discovered ways to manage her mental illness better, but still refused to try the medication route again (at least for the time being).

Now, she was just happy about taking it one day at a time, and finding ways to manage the curve balls life threw at her.

A/N: If you made it this far (or just skipped down to read this part, which again is also absolutely fine), here's a backstory/explanation for this:

Back in 2019, my mental health wasn't great (this was just the tip of the iceberg, since it was still a year out until the pandemic and numerous other things which would cause it to decline even more). My therapist at the time suggested medication. I tried said medication. After five days, I was ready to throw in the towel. It was a miserable and awful experience that's still sorta hard to talk about now. But it's almost been four years since then, and while I still have some bad days, I'm doing better now. I thought writing about it to get it out might help since it's been on my mind lately, and honestly it was cathartic. It's changed a bit in/for some parts, but is mostly based on what I remember from the experience.

Tori my beloved, I'm so sorry to have done this to you 💔 And yes I realize it's a bit out of character for Trina to care about someone other than herself, but this was an extenuating circumstance so please go easy on me for that. Also, I'm sorry that Jade didn't appear much in this one despite this being a Jori collection; she was literally the light at the end of the tunnel for Tori (as my girlfriend was for me, even though she came about two years after my experience and I like to think Jade came pretty quickly for Tori after her experience).

Thanks for reading (or just skipping to and reading this author's note), and I promise next chapter we'll be back to our regularly scheduled fluffy/nsfw Jori content, depending on the mood for that day c; ❤️