Chapter 36

The reason

Zoro looked down at the figure of the cook on the deck. Sitting on a deckchair, Sanji couldn't see him. He was absorbed in a book and the swordsman took the opportunity to observe him from the second floor of the Sunny not far from the tangerine trees. A few steps away, Robin was watering the plants. The fencer had no idea where their other crewmates were aside from Luffy and Chopper who had headed to the Hearts' submarine after lunch, probably to thank them or exchange medicine.

The sun was hot at the start of the afternoon but clouds regularly came to obscure it and the wind tended to pick up without warning. Overall, the small island wasn't unpleasant, but the events that had taken place there prevented the Straw Hat Pirates from feeling perfectly relaxed. The anguish and fear they had experienced were still present in their memories and moving away would allow them to get rid of it. Like his crewmates, Zoro was eager to set sail. Nami had announced their departure for the next morning and everyone was happy about it.

After a few minutes, Sanji turned a page of his book and the swordsman saw his hand fidgeting nervously against the cover before stabilizing. The blond had been following Chopper's instructions to the letter since his return to the Sunny three days earlier but it wasn't difficult to notice that the hours of rest were the most difficult for him to respect. The cook had initially wanted to pass the time swimming but the water was full of small poisoned fish and the reindeer didn't want him to take any additional risks, especially since his wounds weren't yet completely healed.

"It's a captivating adventure novel."

Zoro turned his head towards Robin who had joined him at the railing. She also observed their friend, her watering can in hand.

"Your idea?" The swordsman asked her. The archaeologist nodded, "Our cook was looking for something to read in the library."

"You think it's working? He looks… stressed."

"Words have the power to carry and give to see entire realities. I don't know any greater evasion power than theirs."

"Yeah… Depends on your taste, I guess," the fencer muttered.

"It probably does," the young woman admitted with a smile.

Zoro frowned as he looked at the cook again. His discussion with Luffy on the beach had helped him take a step back about his crewmate's situation but he still felt quite lost. He was both furious and disappointed because he hadn't been able to detect the blond's real distress. Sanji had relied on him to get better and as protector of the crew, Zoro felt like he had failed. Moreover, in his own way, hadn't the cook challenged him somehow and hadn't Zoro proved that he couldn't take it up?

The swordsman bit his lip.

"What's it like when… you wanna die? What do you think about?" Robin slowly turned her head towards him and Zoro ran a hand down his neck, embarrassed. "I was just thinking, since you felt the same way when we met… Do you know how he feels? I can't understand," he admitted with a sigh.

At these words, the young woman returned her gaze to their friend. "I think that Sanji's situation differs from mine because he wasn't aware of the real meaning of his behavior until it was pointed out to him. However, it seems to me that in some way, I can imagine how he feels," she agreed.

She took a few moments to think then.

"Wanting to die is to feel empty and useless. Your vision is irremediably tinged with a darkness which prevents the slightest positive feeling from reaching you. Everything is gray and cold. The slightest task seems insurmountable and at the same time, nothing matters. The feeling of loneliness is overwhelming, this is what pushes you to the edge of the abyss."

Robin smiled sadly as she looked at their companion.

"I think that feeling alone in the world, even though you're surrounded by your loved ones, is the worst feeling there is."

The swordsman thought carefully about her words and a small silence stretched between them for several minutes.

"What made you change your mind?" He finally asked her.

"All of you."

Zoro raised an eyebrow and Robin nodded. "I chose to believe in you since I didn't believe in myself. It was a risky but tempting gamble. Despite the renunciation I had convinced myself of, hope had never really left me. I made the choice to follow this hope."

"You think that's what he does? He believes all of that?"

"I don't know. He tries, anyway."

"I don't understand how he could have shifted that much." The swordsman suddenly became angry, "He's the same but it's as if everything has changed! Why can't he see what we see?"

"It's because you can't see beyond the choices you can't understand."

"What?"

Robin pointed out their companion who was absently tapping the deckchair with the tips of his feet. "His vision of himself is damaged. He no longer values himself enough to understand the interest we have in him so he seeks to become someone else. Our doctor's suggestion to have him work on our way of perceiving him is particularly smart."

"How a fucking outfit could have started all this? It doesn't make sense!" The swordsman hissed through his teeth, furious.

"He also lost his taste and smell and these are important parts to strengthen his position as a cook," his friend reminded him. "Seeing his family again and wearing this outfit only added to his distress. These elements triggered a crisis that had probably been brewing for years. Sanji fears being like those he fled from so long ago. He fears he is a monster."

"A monster?" Zoro stared at her, dumbfounded, "How could he believe that? He's the first to feed his enemy and help others!"

"Stealth Black is the representation of the dark and dehumanized world that is Germa," she explained to him. "To become Stealth Black is to become someone without emotion and empathy. Someone they would have wanted him to be."

The swordsman sighed. "Luffy said that Sanji is afraid of himself and I didn't understand what he meant. I think I'm starting to understand the problem… This guy is so complicated!"

"Identity is a delicate construct," Robin agreed.

Zoro looked at his crewmate again for a moment, his heart suddenly tightening in his chest.

"I can't do anything to help him," he realized. "He asked me for help but in his case, it's… Neither I nor anyone can do anything."

"Although I agree with you in your analysis, I'll still bring a different conclusion," the archaeologist chimed in.

"Which is?"

Robin smiled as their crewmate turned another page of his book on deck.

"Your relationship with Sanji has always been special and of all of us, you're surely the one who knows him best along with our captain. If our chef asked you for help, I have no doubt that he knows it too and that's why he turned to you. He hasn't lost hope. He just needs to find a good enough reason to believe."

"You seem better."

"I think so. Chopper asked me to do a lot of things and I don't really see how some of them can be useful but I trust him. It's like therapy or something."

Sanji had passed by the beach where the surgeon of death's crew had disembarked after finishing a long walk that had taken him around the island. He hadn't been able to focus for very long on the excellent book that Robin had recommended to him and walking had done him good because he had managed to relax a little.

On the way back, he had decided to stop by and thank the captain of the Heart Pirates. Although Chopper and Luffy had done it, Sanji felt it was common courtesy to come in person. After all, he was the one the surgeon had treated.

On the deck of his submarine while his crew did their last errands in town before preparing for their departure, Law nodded before resuming his observation of the sea. Sanji lit a cigarette then, his hand protecting the flame of the wind that had risen. "What about you?"

The surgeon turned his attention back to him, one eyebrow raised. "What about me?"

"Are you planning to fix yourself too? Luffy was very happy when I met him on the way here."

"I simply told him that I liked the chessboard he had given me and it seemed to delight him beyond reason. I refused his offer to play with him though," he clarified. "Sounds like he barely understands the principle."

"He can't focus long enough to understand the rules," the blond admitted.

"No wonder."

Sanji took a drag on his cigarette, watching the other pirate out of the corner of his eyes. "And then? Is this your therapy? If you ask me, it won't be enough."

"My therapy?"

Law stared at him openly this time and the cook shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah. How are you gonna progress if you're that slow? I know Luffy can be intrusive but if you don't see him, you're not likely to get used to him."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about accepting your feelings."

The surgeon tensed up against the railing. "I do not-"

"Don't bother, I'm not stupid. I see the way you look at him and after the speech you made last time, I'd have to be really dumb not to understand that you don't know how to behave because of what he said to you."

Law closed his mouth, his lips pursed, and Sanji smirked as he blew his smoke skyward. "Relax, it's not like I'm gonna tell him or anyone else. He doesn't need me to open his eyes about it anyway."

"I didn't think I was so transparent," the Hearts captain admitted after a few moments. "I'm sure even my crew didn't notice."

"I wouldn't have noticed either if I weren't in the same situation as yours some time ago. I guess that you have to be emotionally constipated to recognize someone like you."

"Great," the surgeon grumbled.

Sanji took another drag on his cigarette, his eyes lost in the sea. "You shouldn't wait too long. The Grand Line is wild, we don't know what could happen."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you but I don't plan to tell him or even try to get used to these… feelings."

"What? Why?" The cook wondered, "You know they're shared, why would you want to refuse them?"

"I have my reasons."

The cook stared at him and Law held his gaze. "I don't need a lecture from you. You just told me that you had been in the same situation as me and yet, I don't see you living life's true dream today. You even confided that you had to give up a relationship that you really cared about because of your past and I deduce that it's the same person. You're no better than me, Black-Leg-ya."

"It's different," Sanji muttered, "This… person doesn't share my feelings."

"So you understand my position."

"What are you talking about? Luffy is crazy about you; everyone knows and he told you straight in the eye!"

"Luffy… Your captain," Law corrected himself as if the name had escaped him. "He doesn't know what love is. Not like us."

Sanji's eyes widened and the surgeon turned away to look at the ocean. He gazed at the infinite blue for long seconds before speaking again.

"He has this way of saying nothing and yet his speech is perfectly clear. He has this… light deep into his eyes, and it dazzles everyone he meets, making them mad with rage or in complete awe. Making them follow him to the end of the world. And me…"

Law's hand tightened around his nodachi and the blond held his breath. For as long as he could remember, the captain of the Heart Pirates had always been as stingy with words as with emotions. He seemed constantly on the alert and never revealed his deep thoughts. So today, while the wind blew gently between them, Sanji couldn't take his eyes off the straight and proud figure of the surgeon of death, an involuntary witness to the pain of one of the strongest men on the Grand Line facing his own feelings.

"And me, I'm just like everyone else," Law finally said in a breath, his eyes still fixed on the ocean. "I've become a slave to his smile. One more person who can't see anyone but him while he loves the entire world. Because his heart is too big, it doesn't belong to anyone. This is why I say that he doesn't know what love is. Love as we understand it is worthless to him. He lives out of the box, he is… from elsewhere."

A minute then passed in silence amid the sound of the waves and wind until the surgeon finally turned away from the spectacle of the sea.

"That's why I don't want to open my heart to him," he explained as he walked away, "It is useless because I know that it doesn't mean the same thing to him. Maybe it's cowardly of me but I'd rather have nothing than wait for something he can't give me. It's easier."

"Law."

The dark-haired pirate stood still without turning around and Sanji looked at him from behind as his long coat fluttered in the wind.

"I know Luffy can be blinding. His love is excessive, he leaves no respite, but he's sincere. If he needed you to know what he feels for you, it's no accident. Don't pass up this chance because you're afraid of not being enough. Talk to him, whatever you have to say. Trust him. Either way, he'll listen."

The captain of the Heart Pirates didn't answer, simply continuing his walk to disappear behind the door of his infirmary. Still, Sanji had no doubt that he had heard him.

"You ain't a monster."

Sanji looked up from the menus he had started to think about for the next day, bewildered. Arms crossed on his chest in front of the galley door that he had just pushed open to enter, the swordsman looked at him with a straight face.

"What?"

"I don't care if your family wanted you to be one, you're not. So move on," Zoro continued firmly.

"What are you talking about?"

Zoro pulled up a chair to sit facing the blond who was staring at him, dumbfounded, from across the table.

"Show me your list, I'll prove it."

"My list?"

"The list where you wrote down the qualities and flaws we gave you."

"What for?"

"I'm gonna prove to you that you're not a monster," the fencer repeated.

"Who said I thought I was one?" Sanji pointed out, completely stunned by his behavior.

"You keep telling yourself this stupid shit without realizing it according to Robin," his crewmate replied.

"Okay, and why are you suddenly showing up to talk to me about it? Why do you wanna prove it so much?"

"Because you asked me for help and I did my best but that didn't stop you from wanting to kill yourself. I'm changing my method."

Sanji stared at him for a moment, speechless, before feeling a blush rise to his cheeks. He looked down then, "It's… This list is personal, mosshead."

"If I have to go and talk to the whole crew to know, I will, but it'll go faster that way. Gimme your list."

Sanji looked up to glare at him, almost outraged by his brutal attitude, before giving in and rummaging in his jacket pocket. Before handing him his paper though, he took care to fold it so his objectives were hidden and Zoro took it without waiting, quickly running his eyes over it.

"No one said you were a monster," he noted immediately.

"No kidding." The blond sighed. "I didn't need you to know that. That doesn't change the fact that I do come from a family that's pretty talented in this field," he added through his teeth after a minute.

"So I've been told. But seeing what's written and knowing you, we could add a long list before talking about you as a monster."

"It's easy to say, mosshead…"

At these words, Zoro slammed the paper on the table to stare into his eyes. "Describe your brothers."

"What?"

"Go ahead. One flaw and one quality."

"One quality? Seriously, if they had one for the three of them, it'd already be a miracle!"

"One flaw each then."

"Fine. If you really wanna know, I'll tell you. Ichiji is a first-class megalomaniac, no one is as good as him in his eyes. Niji is arrogant as hell; he hates anything that doesn't relate to royalty or his so-called higher status. And Yonji, he just thinks that brute force is the ultimate weapon to crush those who disagree with him. And I'm not even talking about their contempt for all those who aren't lucky enough to have their power, or their disdain for life in general and even their own! It's totally beyond them."

"This is what happens when you have no emotion," the swordsman pointed out.

"No remorse, no compassion, no fears," the blond agreed, his jaw clenched. "They're inhumane."

"Monsters, according to you."

"Do you know any better definition?"

Zoro just held his gaze and Sanji stared back at him for a moment before biting his lip.

"Maybe it's not really their fault since they were born that way." He sighed, "Actually, the real monster is Judge."

The fencer raised an eyebrow at these words and Sanji looked down at his menus. "He has all the characteristics of a human being but it's like they don't affect him. He has no problem having his children genetically modified to make them soulless soldiers if it's to satisfy his thirst for power. He doesn't mind using his wife against her will to carry out his project even if she dies because of it. He also doesn't mind locking up one of his children in a dungeon and proclaiming that he's dead because he's so ashamed of him and his weakness…"

Sanji suddenly ran a hand over his face to hide from his crewmate's gaze, his throat brutally tight and his breathing trembling. Even talking about simple facts he was aware of for a long time left him on the verge of tears lately.

"There's something wrong with him. His… emotions aren't working. Or he just ignores them and it's even worse. That is a real monster to me."

Zoro nodded in front of him before pushing the list more gently in his direction. "Are there any of his characteristics on your list?"

"There aren't," the cook whispered, his face still hidden between his fingers.

"Good, we're making progress. Let's move on to the second point which shows that your brain is upside down. Did you rate yourself as a good cook?"

Sanji dropped his hand on the table at these words, confused. "Yeah… I mean, I probably still can improve but I'm pretty sure that's my strong point."

Zoro sighed and the blond felt shame burning his insides. Had he been too presumptuous? Yet if he wasn't a good cook, he really didn't know what he could bring to the crew and he remembered perfectly that Luffy had needed a cook when he had offered the blond to accompany him on the Merry.

Seeing Sanji turned pale, the swordsman rolled his eyes before pressing his finger on the paper at the fateful place to show it to him. "Reread the qualities. Is there anything that shocks you?"

Sanji took a short breath and carefully reread the list. At least he didn't want to cry anymore now that they had changed the subject. After a few seconds, he looked up hesitantly at his companion.

"No," he admitted. "I mean, some of them seems surprising but-"

"Don't you see that we all described a character trait and you're the only one who focused on a skill?"

"What?" Sanji grabbed the paper this time, frowning, and as he read, his eyes widened. "But… it's one of my qualities, isn't it?" He still pointed out to him, lost.

"You idiot cook, I told you you were stupid!" The swordsman was annoyed, "Being a good cook is like being a good shipwright or a good shooter. It's not your personality, it's your position!"

"My position?"

"To describe Chopper's first quality, would you say he's a good doctor? Would you say Nami is a good navigator?"

"I wouldn't," the blond admitted. "I'd say Chopper is extraordinarily kind and Nami is the smartest person I know."

"Exactly. So start by finding yourself a quality, a real one. Then we'll talk. How do you wanna recover if you don't even value yourself enough to think in terms of personality about you?"

The fencer got up just as suddenly as he had sat down and Sanji watched him walk out the door, still in shock from his last words. Finally, he read his paper again. He couldn't believe that the difference in nature between the quality his friends had given him and his own hadn't been obvious to him. Chopper was right, there was a real pit between his way of perceiving himself and the very tangible reality of words. He had reduced himself to a skill, and without even realizing it!

Zoro wasn't wrong either. It was urgent that he finds a quality, a positive character trait that he really felt about himself. No one was so imperfect as not to have a single quality and Sanji clung to this logic to silence the sneaky voice that had immediately rushed to whisper the opposite in his ear.

The blond may lecture the surgeon of death but he was in the exact same position, incapable of thinking that he was worth enough for anyone to sincerely care about him. Sanji sighed and before continuing working, he took the time to unfold his paper and write down a new fundamental objective: Learning to love himself.

Musical inspiration for Law and Sanji scene: Elle est d'ailleurs - Pierre Bachelet