little by little, things begin to turn back to normal. greece apologizes to bulgaria for having been so rude with him and the two are like great buds again. then turkey comes to apologize for punching bulgaria after getting kicked out of the cooking club and bulgaria's like 'bruh it's ok we hit and fake-kill each other on a daily basis for fun'. I mean, he's right, characters in this fanfic get shot with arrows, drowned in qatiq, beaten up, hit with a stick, threatened with swords, slapped in the face, hit with a book, strangled with a pillow, almost drowned in a pool, etc. they're nations, not humans, so being punched or killed is a small nuisance as they regenerate quickly (unless their people are fighting, like how it was with old great bulgaria and khazaria).

turkey's like 'btw after I punched u, they let me join the cooking club again as a reward for punching u (the headmaster pressured them into accepting me again) but I won't let some silly cooking club membership ruin our friendship if u want I'll leave'

and bulgaria replies with 'nah nah it's fine this club is ur dream pls don't leave if it makes u happy'

but turkey's still like 'bruh this isn't fair'. and to make things fair, he punches himself so hard in the face that his mask shatters and he gets racoon eyes later. but it's ok as he gets a new mask and it hides the racoon eyes.

one person remains that bulgaria has to make amends with.

serbia.

and so, after classes end, the 4 (bulgaria, romania, greece and turkey) decide to pay him a visit.

they reach his house.

'c'mon, let's go in' turkey says.

'no wtf u two are total dorks u'll make him even more upset, ur gonna ruin everything. greece and I will go in to check on what's going on then u 2 will come in too' romania responds. 'now hide so montenegro doesn't see u when he opens the door'

so they ring the bell. montenegro, serbia's brother, opens the door.

'hi we came to check upon serbia how is he doing?'

'hi... well uh, he's not doing well at all... but maybe u 2 coming to talk to him will help him feel better'

the 2 go in and the door closes. turkey and bulgaria remain outside.

'don't worry, it's not like it's gonna get any worse than that' turkey tries to reassure him, failing.

meanwhile, romania and greece are inside serbia's room and greet him.

he barely responds. everything in there is in chaos - clothes, bed covers, blankets, there's even several plates with some uneaten food in them.

'cmon dude don't feel guilty about what happened at the swimming pool'

'but how? I ALMOST KILLED SOMEONE! I AM TERRIBLE! I MUST BE LOCKED UP!'

'yeah you almost "killed" an ancient being that was gonna come back to life in like a minute' romania tries to calm him down.

'BUT IT'S THE ACTION THAT MATTERS! THE IMPULSE! THE DESIRE TO DO IIT! I-I COULDN'T CONTROL MY IMPULSE, I'M DANGEROUS!'

'look. you've been neighboring someone that screeches "BULGARIAN YOGURT!" every 20 seconds for over 1000 years. everyone on this planet, in ur circumstances, would've done the same MUCH EARLIER. and just bc you have done that to the yogurt nerd, it doesn't mean you'd do it to anyone else, or that u'd do it ever again. especially if ur in an anger management therapy or something (which I heard u were in)' greece tries to be rational.

'and btw bulgaria isn't even mad at u' romania says. this however manages to make serbia feel even worse.

'if it's gonna make u feel better, once bulgaria and I were on a holiday at my place near a swimming pool. so the weirdo managed to eventually fall asleep after talking about greek and bulgarian yogurt for hours. I was like 'wow finally some quietness' but then he'd sleep-talk about yogurt! his sunbed was right next to the pool. so I pushed his sunbed, along with him in the pool! it was quite the shock for him. he'd flail his limbs in the water and trash desperately, spraying water everywhere, until he finally went limp... I finally got my tranquility. although we're not allowed in this hotel anymore'

'ooh I've done similar things to him too, it's happened so often that I don't remember most of them' romania mentions nonchalantly. 'last time though I strangled him with a pillow bc we were gonna have a conference early in the morning and he kept talking about yogurt. I don't think he minds it'

now serbia is disgusted with his friends. he even feels kinda sick. is this... is this the world of ancient, almost immortal beings? is this what they do on a regular basis to each other? is everyone around him sick psychos? is he the only sane one? or is he the one who's messed up for feeling bad about such things? for feeling remorse? for not enjoying them? is he too human for this world? oh, how he wished he was a human! then all this suffering wouldn't be here!

after all, he's like the guy-next-door. literally. cuz he's the neighbor of the main character. he's the sane, casual dude in a world of loons and freaks. it's kinda odd how yogurt boi's other neighbors are total weirdoes though (they're not guys-next-door even though they're guys next door). (except for macedonia I guess, the guy's yet to have a significant role in this crackfic)

why did I make the guy that way though? idk maybe cuz he and macedonia are the only yogurt boi neighbors who don't have a canon personality so I could give him any personality and someone normal and casual would contrast nicely with bulgaria's eccentricity. besides, in the few instances where he's allegedly appeared in canon, he seemed like a chill guy... but even chill guys have a breaking point (if they have to stand some loud weirdo's presence for over a millennium).

now let's go back to the story.

the door of serbia's room swings open and turkey's standing in the doorway with his brightest grin, as if the situation is fun, sunny and cheerful. it's as if like he's going to some party and not like he's visiting a depressed friend who's suffering from guilt.

'hi serbia :DDDDDDD'

turns out that montenegro let bulgaria and turkey in while romania and greece were talking to serbia.

turkey then moves out to let bulgaria come in.

'hey serbia... don't worry about what happened at the swimming pool!' bulgaria smiles. 'it was actually SUPER FUN AND THRILLING! I'VE NEVER HAD MY HEAD HELD UNDERWATER BEFORE!'

what the actual f.

at least this is what everyone is thinking rn.

bulgaria notices everyone's feeling awkward, so he decides to say the first thing on his mind to break the ice.

'btw I rlly wish russia did this to me it would be so hot'

f*ck.

he blushes.

it only made things even more awkward.

well, it sounded better in his head! although if he had actually thought before speaking, something he barely does, he'd have felt saying this is a bad idea.

'uuuuuh... btw yeah I'm not mad at u... so pls don't feel guilty... unless u like feeling guilty I guess? anyways u didn't do anything bad... and u probably wouldn't do that to anyone else... and u now know better so u probably won't do it again... unless u want to do it... which isn't bad as we can't rlly die unless our ppl and culture die... but it's ok if u don't want to do it and if u want to remain nice by human standards... although it's a great way to de-stress'

'don't worry serbia' turkey intercepts bulgaria's awkward monologue. 'u'll eventually stop feeling bad about it, then start enjoying it. for example, I stopped feeling bad over what I was doing after the 3rd time of slapping him for pulling yogurt pranks on me... although I do feel kinda bad if I punch him'

now serbia looks at turkey with disgust. no wth HE'S NOT GONNA BE A SOCIOPATH LIKE HIS FRIENDS HE'S NOT GONNA HIT PEOPLE AND HURT THEM AND FEEL GOOD AFTERWARDS. no matter what.

'LOOK I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY OUT OF ANGER REGARDLESS WHETHER THEY ENJOY IT OR NOT AND I'LL DO MY BEST TO NEVER LET ANGER RULE OVER ME AND TO NEVER HURT ANYBODY EVER AGAIN'

'serbia...' bulgaria speaks. 'if u truly wish that, I promise to never bully u again and to never say yogurt jokes again when ur around'

'NO WTH DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T WALK ON EGGSHELLS AROUND ME DON'T ALTER URSELF'

'tbh... I said many of those jokes cuz I actually wanted to piss u off and see what u'd do, it's rlly thrilling and I'm not disappointed at all! though if I had known u'd feel this guilty about it, I wouldn't have annoyed u on purpose. I'll keep my stupidity and my yogurtness to normal levels from now on, just like how it was before I joined ur club, instead of being a bully and annoying u too much'

'r-really?'

'yeah I enjoy trolling people and seeing what they'd do to me, it's very fun and exciting' bulgaria says casually. 'knowing it's my friends, they're not gonna do something too terrible to me or something that causes me discomfort for a very long time. and they're not evil or sick or sociopaths, it's just that I enjoy annoying them to the point of them hurting me and they're ok with that, or so it seems.'

serbia just stares at him with his eyebrows furrowed and thinks 'wth did I come upon some bdsm club I shouldn't have come to the balkans as a child I should've stayed in white serbia whatever they're happy with it though and it doesn't seem to be sexual unless bulgaria's talking about russia and they also de-stress that way.' still it's creepy, does it mean that bulgaria manipulated him and used him for his own pleasure? it's not exactly sexual... probably... but still quite creepy and nasty and he feels violated.

'I'm not gonna troll you in such a rude way anymore, seeing that u don't enjoy causing me pain. yeah I might pull off some pranks that don't get u too mad cuz I'm a prankster, pranks are what I do to my friends and u don't want me to change myself for u. I won't overdo the yogurt stuff either...'

the dude's probably a masochist, literally the tenshi hinanawi of hetalia bruh

bulgaria continues speaking.

'but don't worry u'll always be my friend. now, do u want a hug?'

'yeah as long as u don't do any of this creepy stuff anymore where u annoy me so I hurt u'

they hug.

'... squeeze me as hard as u can'

'... no!'

and the chapter is about to end, when...

'WAIT A LITTLE! BULGARIA! U WERE DOING ALL OF THIS SO WE HURT U? CUZ IT'S FUN TO U?' romania, greece and turkey exclaim.

'well yeah except for the first time but then I realized that it's very exciting and fun to see what u'd do so I kept on being annoying on purpose'

'YEAH WHATEVER IT'S FUN'

meanwhile montenegro is standing in the hallway being like 'wtf is going on in there?'

and then he's like

'whatever, I'm going to sleep'

yawning, he went to some room, fell upon the couch and his spirit left his body to fight evil beings that bring bad weather or threaten wellfare.

omg the occult club is gonna love that

THE END

(not to the fanfic, but to this entire arc, the fanfic is gonna continue)