This chapter is extremely personal. It's my real life right now with a bit of added information between the main characters. But almost all of it is my real life. I needed an outlet for the pain right now. Be kind to each other, you never know what someone is dealing with.
It had been a few weeks since Kim's anniversary and things had been going really well for the couple. They had been spending more time together as a family but also interacting with Adams mother, sister and nephew. Sammy loved playing with Kim's kids so it was nice to just be an adult and not constantly worry about the kids getting bored. However the good times never seemed to last. Kim's mother had emailed asking for a call regarding Kim's father. With Kim being estranged from her family she was hesitant to respond. Was it real or just a ploy to reel her back in again. The day passed with no response as she wasn't sure what to say. It was a lot to process for her. Adam was well aware of the email and promised support no matter what she decided to do.
It was literally the next day when Kim received a follow up email from her mother. She was at work working on their current case. She took the time to read the email which she instantly regretted. She dropped the phone on Adam's desk as she headed to Voight office. They all saw the movement and looked to Adam for clarification. He was reading the email before looking up heart broken. He couldn't say the words. He just watched her in the office with their boss. "Um boss. I um need some days off. My father is being admitted to the hospital under a voluntary hold. He's thinking of killing himself." She broke down in sobs. Voight rushing to her side, holding her up. "Hey. Go do what you need. We got this. We got the kids. Don't worry about this, it will be waiting for you." He held her and allowed her to cry in his arms. He had no idea how to fix this for her.
As he slowly released the hold on her. "Are you going to be okay?" Voight asked watching her nod. "Alright. Take the time you need. Keep us posted and call if you need anything." Voight allowed her to leave the office. Adam was standing waiting for. He opened his arms to embrace her as soon as was close enough. "I got you. Go see your dad. Do what you need to do. I will be here waiting for you. Don't worry about the kids I will help out as much as I can. Do you need a ride?" He whispered the whole time not sure if she wanted anyone to know. "No I can do it. I need to go. I will call you." Kim broke the hold and ran down the stairs barely grabbing her phone and purse as she went.
"What was that?" Kevin asked scared for his partner. "Um her father, who she's estranged from is threatening to kill himself. As you can imagine she's broken right now." Adam replied quietly as he sat back in his seat. She pushed him away. It hurt but he wasn't all that surprised about it. It's not like they lived close by where it was easy to visit. This involved a plane and a car. He hoped that she would come back to him in one piece. Poor girl had been through hell and back lately. "Is her family that bad?" Erin asked knowing her own family was pretty messed up. "Mother and sister are narcissists. Father refuses to get involved and when he does he always accuses Kim of over reacting or just using double standards. He non emotional, vacant from their lives for a decade or more. There's a lot. She's told me a bunch and I wouldn't talk to them either." Adam shrugged not giving too much away.
Kim drove straight to the airport after sending a quick text to April letting her know what was happening. She also responded by telling Kim to do what she needed to do. The rest could be handled later. She parked the car at the airport running inside heading to the United counter to get a ticket to the airport closest to her parents home. Once her ticket was in hand she headed through security and headed for the gate. She pulled out her phone to ask Michael to bring her old car and some clothes to the airport since she was flying in on short notice. He of course said it wasn't an issues and would make it happen. Thankfully she didn't have to wait too long for her flight with only a 45 minute wait before boarding her flight. It was a short flight but her mind raced the entire time.
She knew this would happen without therapy. She saw the signs his body was fighting. She didn't want to make it about her so she said nothing. Maybe she could have prevented this. Was this her fault? These thoughts plagued her. She also had no idea what to say to them. She cut them off, out of her life. How does she go back from this? She loved her family but she loved herself more. This was killing her, breaking her. She closed her eyes trying to rest but all she saw was Adam's hurt eyes when she pushed him away. She hadn't meant it. She just needed to go, to run. To run away. She was the worst for sure. She pulled out her phone sending a quick text to him. "I'm so sorry Adam. I didn't mean to push you away. I'm all over the place. You deserved better and I'm sorry. I promise I will call when I can. I love you so much." She hoped he believed her.
"I love you too darling. Yes it hurt but I understand. Call me when you can so we talk. Be safe." He knew she was beating herself up right now but she didn't have to. Life was insane sometimes and things just happen. Miscommunications just happen. They would work through it. Adam went back to the case and Kim closed her eyes as the flight continued. Once she landed she headed right to short term parking finding her old Jeep right away. She paid the fare and headed straight to Starbucks. Leaving Starbucks she headed straight to the hospital. She wasn't sure where it was actually located but knew how to get to the town it was in at least. Finding some good music to jam to as she drove trying to drown the spinning in her head.
Almost an hour later she arrived at the hospital. She was nervous beyond belief. Taking some deep breaths before stepping out of the car to head inside. Unfortunately she had an hour to kill before she was allowed to visit her father. So she headed back outside to call Adam, to fix the damage done. He smiled when he saw the phone call and headed to the break room for privacy. "Hey how was the flight?" He asked knowing asking how she was doing was pointless. "Short. Gate to gate less than 2 hours. Then about an hour drive. Michael brought my old car to the airport so at least I have something familiar to drive while I'm here. He also put some clothes in it from my dresser. My head won't stop spinning through. I have no idea how to handle this. What to say, you know?" Kim rambled on.
"Kim. No one is equipped to handle these situations. And of course you have no idea what to say. You walked away from your family to protect yourself. That was the right move then and now. Just see how he's doing now he's safe. Now that he's in a place he can't harm himself. What the plan is going forward. But always remember this isn't your fault. This isn't on you. Don't let them blame you for this in any way. Because it's not." He rushed to reassure her. "She emailed a month or so ago talking about all these symptoms he was having. I knew they sounded familiar. I even told Michael that. He agreed completely. But I said nothing. I didn't want it to sound like I was making it about me. But I knew. His body had been in flight mode for so long that his body started to shut down to get his attention. To make him stop and listen." Kim paused staring into the parking lot.
"How do you know about this? Why do you know?" He was very curious about where this was headed. "Um caused it happened to me too. About 10 years ago I witnessed Michael die in front of me twice from a pulmonary embolism. The blood all over the floors, him gasping for air, the seizure looking shakes as his body struggled to breath, the paramedics shocking him back to life." She heard Adam gasp in shock. "It was traumatic for sure. Once he was well enough to come home I sat outside the bathroom when he went in. I slept next to him every night with my hand on his chest so I could feel him breathing. I made sure he took his meds, freaked out when the pharmacy didn't have it. I should have gotten therapy but I didn't. It took a year before my body started to shut down. I was eventually diagnosed with stress induced anxiety and PTS. I took medical leave for four months. I've been good 7 years now." She explained further.
"Kim! That's huge! My god! How you survived a year without breaking down is pretty amazing. So why would your dad have this same issue?" He asked trying to put all the pieces together. "My dad took care of his mother for 11 years full time. He lived with her, we barely saw him. She was verbally and mentally abusive. She berated him everyday. As her memory went she called the cops on him several times for stupid shit like selling her furniture, poisoning her with her meds, not taking her downstairs in her ranch house. She refused outside help so he was stuck. She died in 2020. He suddenly found himself with no purpose in life. No job, no hobbies, no interests and living with my mom again. Before she died he was so angry at her, at his father for leaving him to take care of her for so long, mad at her parents for giving birth to her. Angry at the world. I think he felt relief when she died, that it was all over. That he was free again. But guilty that he felt that way, maybe guilty that he was gone so long. I think that all is still inside him. He never got therapy to deal with it. He still just sits around all day doing very little with no interest in the world." She stopped talking again just zoning out.
"Wow. I have no words darling. I wish I could fix this for you. I don't know how though. You are beyond amazing. You are stronger then you will ever know. I'm so proud of you for fighting to get yourself healthy. And now trying to help him." He heard her sigh. "What's up?" He asked not sure what she was thinking. "I knew and said nothing. Doesn't that make me a horrible person?" She asked sounding broken. "No Kim it doesn't. Because if you had said something they wouldn't have listened. You know that." He replied firmly. "You know he's been on SSRI's for over 10 years and he always said it was for stress. He told people that I had burn out. He refused to say that he was depressed. He refused to say I have anxiety. Not calling it what it is makes it worse." She paused briefly.
"You know I was so sick when I started meds. I had every side effect known to man. But I still sat on the floor, on my floor bed, and called for a therapist even as sick as I was. Nauseous, shaking, head pounding, no sleep I still called to get help. But he didn't. Till it got this far." Kim stopped again. "I'm so proud of you. You are incredible. I don't think many people could do that." He heard her gasp a little. "Okay what's going on now?" He asked on edge. "I see my mom. I ah better go. I will call you later. Love you." Kim rushed to get off the phone. "Love you too. Be strong! Do good!" He heard her hum in agreement before hanging up. He returned to his desk feeling better than before the call but worried about her. She had been through more hell than he ever could have imagined and yet she's still happy, upbeat and tries to make a difference.
"How's she holding up?" Jay asked knowing that's exactly who he was talking to. "Um not great. She spinning. Trying to make sense of it. Wondering if she had spoken up earlier could it have changed things. Afraid she will get blamed for it. She opened up a lot in that call. Things I didn't know nor could imagine. She's stronger than I knew. What's she's been through would have broken most people for good but she's still fighting." He leaned back in his chair sighing heavily. "She's got this too. You know it. Maybe this will be good for all of them to get the help they need." Al had come out from his spot hidden to show his support for Adam, for Kim. "Yeah I know. Just wish she could caught a break." He sighed again, he knew he wouldn't be able to focus on the case now. All he thought about was her.
"Kim I'm surprised you came. Where's you husband and kids?" Cindy, Kim's mother asked. "My kids are in school and I'm divorced. You would know that if you and Carolyn hadn't pushed me away. If y'all could have just accepted that I want to be a better person. That I'd rather give to charity than receive crap I don't need or could buy myself. Or that it's not acceptable to talk shit about people behind their backs. Trash talking a skin condition is not okay. You're a grown ass adult. I walked away to protect myself and my family. That's more important than anything. And by the way I would never bring my children here. This is no place for a child. I'm going to see dad now." Kim started to head into the hospital leaving a very stunned mother behind.
Kim headed straight to his room not even waiting for her mother to get in the elevator. This was a fight that wasn't necessary right now nor appropriate. As she got towards the room a nurse informed her it was only one person allowed at a time. Kim was happy about that. It allowed her to visit without the narcissist bothering them. She couldn't believe that she brought up the ex husband of all people. Such a jerk move for sure. But that was normal for Kim. She dealt with it often. Her hands shook as she stood outside the room. Having no idea what to say or how this would go. Would he even want to see her, talk to her? It was scary but she needed to see him. She knocked softly waiting for a response before entering the room.
"Hey Kim! How you doing kiddo?" Joe, Kim's father sounded okay. But she knew better. "I'm okay. What's been going on dad?" Kim stared at her father pleading with him to open up. "I really don't know Kim. I guess I've been depressed and haven't been able to get over it. It's pretty dark right now." Joe admitted but Kim knew he wasn't good at analyzing his feelings. "Dad. You waited on grandmom hand and foot for 11 years. When she died you conveyed a lot of anger towards her and her parents. Even your father. It's been over two years of learning how to adjust to a whole new life. And living with mom again can't be easy. She's lazy, the house is never clean, she pushes too much and never thinks of others. You needed therapy when you came home to help you adjust. We talked about it. Why didn't you do It?" Kim was trying hard not to cry but the tears were building.
"I figured it would pass. That I would be fine with time. I never thought this would happen. I don't want this to happen." He shrugged. "Look this really is the best place for you right now. Please take all the help that is offered. Therapy, meds, group counseling, journaling, goal setting. You lost your purpose in life and you need to learn how to live again. Please." Kim begged him to take it seriously. "I am I promise. I already know that I will stay longer than 72 hours. I don't want to hurt anyone especially the boys. So I will take the help offered." He replied knowing me needed help. "That's great you don't want to hurt the boys but you need to focus on you. And Bailey needs to find someone else to care for his kids. Taking care of two mentally challenged kids shouldn't be on you. Someone qualified needs to take care of them, not you and mom. You are too old and frail to be doing that. Even before this your were weak, you had no upper body strength at all and your hands shook. It could all be related or not. But you need to get better first and then see if those things change." She tried to explain best she could without sounding too pushy or condescending.
"How can it be related? One has nothing to do with the other Kim. That's ridiculous." He snapped back. "It's not. You have been in fight mode for years. You pushed aside all the things you were feeling and your body was tired of trying to get help. You weren't listening to your body so it started to break down to get your attention. The same thing happened to me. But I got better and so can you. You have to be open and honest. Even if you don't think it's the cause talk about it. But my honest opinion is that this is all stemming from grandmom. The years you took care of her and your anger around it and her dying. Just think about it. Talk about it. I know mom is waiting so I will come back tomorrow to check with you. Take care dad. I do love you." Kim left shortly after.
She didn't bother talking to her mom as she left. She noticed her sister in the room as well. They both glared at her as she walked out the waiting area. As soon as she was safe in her car she broke down in tears. She couldn't believe this was happening. A man who had been strong for so long had finally fallen apart. Though she was surprised it took this long for it to happen. She pulled herself together enough to find a local hotel that wasn't a complete dive. None of the options were great so she decided to drive a bit further to get something nicer and cleaner. Blasting the music as she drove to the hotel. Not giving her mind time to drift. She found her favorite convenience store chain to grab some food before checking in to the hotel.
After settling into the hotel she realized it was already after 4pm. She had no idea how time flew by so quickly. She ate her food before picking up the phone to talk to the kids. She kept it lite not wanting them to worry too much about what was happening. She also didn't know to explain it to the kids. So she didn't. Just saying that her father was sick and she wanted to make sure he got better. The next call was to Adam, she just needed to hear his voice. "Hey Darling. How you holding up?" He answered right away. "Um I really don't know. I talked to mother briefly, she was lovely enough to ask about Paul and the kids. I told her I was divorced. Told her off a bit and then visited my dad. We talked a bit, I expressed how I was feeling, he thinks I'm off base in my thinking. When I left I said nothing to my mom or sister. Cried in my car, ate some food, talked to the kids and now I'm just left here alone." She rambled a bit but she didn't know how she felt. It was hard to say.
"Well I'm glad you got to say what you needed to say. That's super important. As for your mother, god that was so nice of her to ask about your ex husband. Wow such a charmer there. Do you feel better about at least speaking your mind?" He asked sitting at his desk talking softly. "Maybe. I wish I could have said more. But I didn't want to make a big scene at a hospital. I'm just glad my dad was happy to see me and did listen to what I said even if he thought I was wrong about most if it. You know it bothered me that he said he didn't want to hurt the boys, his great grandkids. Not worried about my kids since he doesn't see them I guess. But it bothered me. I think it also bothered me that my parents are not young you know. They are 74 each this year. And they are babysitting the little ones most days. And you know the 4 year old doesn't talk and still uses a diaper and the 18 month old doesn't talk, walk or crawl. That can't be easy for either of them. Being here it's confronting and uncomfortable. I left for a reason." She sighed as she just stopped talking. He wasn't sure she would speak again without him asking a question.
"How are you feeling mentally?" He knew it had to be bad but he needed her to say it. "Pretty shitty to be honest. Feeling like I failed somehow. I know that's not true or real. But that's just there nagging me. I'm just glad he's in a safe place, away from the firearms, getting help. So maybe I'm hopeful a bit. And the best part might be since I'm not staying with Michael they won't be able to find me. So I don't have to worry about they showing up on my doorstep. The last time I stayed with him my sister showed up. Thankfully I was at the grocery store. And he didn't answer her either. Left her standing there talking to the camera. That was quiet funny." He was thrilled hearing her laugh a bit. "Well that sounds funny! Trying to ambush someone is never good so I'm glad you weren't there and he left her hanging. I would love to see that footage." He laughed but smiled as she was still laughing. "Yeah it was great. What's more odd though was I had left like 20 minutes before, she saw me driving away so why go to the house? Michael travels all the time, he's almost never home. It was weird." Kim shook her head thinking about it.
"What's your plan for tonight?" He asked wondering where her head was at fully. "Um I might head out to a shopping center I like. They have a Caps near by and a Nordstrom Rack and DSW. So maybe I can find some stuff. Shopping therapy. Otherwise keeping to myself. I didn't get to the hotel til after 4 so I'm pretty beat." She heard him chuckle a little about shopping. "Well try not to go broke tonight. And get plenty of rest. You need it before tomorrow." He chuckled a bit but was being serious about it. "Oh I know and I promise I will. I know what's at stake here. Well I will let you go. Call me later okay?" Kim whispered. "Okay I will. Love you." Adam whispered in return. "Love you too!" Kim smiled as she hung up. No matter what she knew she had him at least.
"Ruzek! Go!" Voight barked as he left his office. "Yeah sorry boss. My head will be in the game tomorrow." He knew he was shit today. "No. Go be with her. She shouldn't be alone. Keep her safe." Voight gave him a knowing look. "Gotcha boss!" Adam packed up his things and headed down to the tech offices. "Mouse do me a favor. Track Kim's credit cards. Find out what hotel she's in." Adam didn't even make it an option. "Yeah sure. Give me a minute." Mouse looked it up pretty quickly finding it in less than a minute. "Alright here is the address. Good luck!" Mouse watched as his buddy smiled and jogged our of the room. He headed home briefly only grabbing a few days of clothes before jumping in his car heading for the airport. He had no real idea where he was headed but he didn't care. He needed to find her.
Once he parked he googled the closest airport to the town her hotel was in and headed in to buy his ticket. He was happy to see there was a flight in less than two hours. He headed right to the gate to wait hoping she was happy to see him. They hadn't talked about this but he hoped she was okay with this. Her family was more the concern than Kim. He knew for certain they didn't know about him. He was okay with that. It was still early and she was freshly divorced. He also knew they didn't speak so he was fine with it completely. As he waited he texted both his mother and April letting them know just in case. He didn't want the kids to think he bailed on them either. Before he realized it was time to board the flight for the unknown area of Pennsylvania.