Chapter 2 Silent Fears

August Booth, 7 years old and all alone in the world ran from his group home in Portland. He got as far into Maine as he possibly could, dodging concerned adults and hitching rides until he found himself befriending a trucker. He was an older kind man with a scraggly beard. He reminded August of a grandfather he never had, and allowed himself to pretend on their journey. The man named Ruckus was concerned, tried getting answers out of him on why a 7 year old boy was hitching a ride through Maine and trying to get to Canada. He didn't understand what he had been through since his parents died at age 4 and had been in the foster system since. He was getting bullied in his last group home and had made the decision to run away to Canada.

It wasn't until they reached a diner in the middle of nowhere. Ruckus had stopped so they could get some dinner. It was nearly getting dark, and he wanted to make sure he was fed before they continued on the road. But just as August suspected, as kind as Ruckus had been to him, he knew he was being played. After their meal, he had gone to the bathroom while Ruckus waited out at the truck. On his way back he overheard him talking on the phone with the police and that he would be bringing him into the closest town. He was sending him back and as Ruckus hung up he looked up and saw him.

"Dammit! Kid, wait!"

August ran across the road. He would not be going back to a place where he was being bullied. Where no one loved him. Where he was more alone than he was out on the streets. Ruckus ran after him. The one person he trusted, and Ruckus was turning him in to social services.

He nearly tripped over the small bundle on the other side of the highway and if it hadn't let out such a loud cry, he wouldn't have stopped. Panting for air, he dropped to his knees and uncovered a yellow quilt to reveal a crying baby. He frowned reading the purple embroidery.

"Emma…" he whispered, unable to comprehend why there would be a baby out here and especially next to the road. All he could do was stare at her in shock as Ruckus caught up to him.

"August, I could explain…" he started but then froze as he spotted the whimpering baby. "Jesus christ, not another one! Where the fuck did she come from?"

"Someone left her here. Her name is Emma," he said, finally moving to pick her up in his arms and getting to his feet. He looked up at the flabbergasted man. "We can't leave her here too."

"Kid, I can't take care of a baby. I can't take care of you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but you don't belong out here. You need to go back. It's what's best."

"You don't get it!" he yelled. "It's not what's best! I have no one! All I am is a check to those foster homes!"

"Well then what the hell is in Canada then!"

"I don't know, but it's not this place. I'll figure it out when I get there."

"Give me the baby," he said when she started fussing at his tone of voice. August handed her over and he thought for a moment it would be a perfect opportunity to run when Ruckus' hands were full. It was the baby that was looking down at him with a curious expression and it was in that moment where he felt a connection to her. He didn't want to leave Emma behind.

"Look, I'm taking her to a station in the next town. I can't force you to come with me, kid, but I'm not taking you to Canada."

He reluctantly turned, heading back to the truck with Emma and August watched him with an overwhelming feeling of devastation. He didn't want to go back to Portland, but something within him wanted to stay with Emma so he rushed after him.

Regina arrived at the Red Apple Riding Academy pretty late the next morning. She and Emma were exhausted after last night and had slept into the late hours of the morning. It was nearly noon when she had finally left the house to make it for her first one on one session of the day. To her delight, her new student was a little girl just about 4 years old learning to ride for the first time. Leah with blonde pigtails and curious but fearful green eyes. She was nervous and Regina knew she needed to slowly ease her into this. She always loved working with the little ones. The girl's mother watched by the fence, smiling and taking pictures as Regina taught her how to approach a horse for the first time. The buckskin mare she chose was older and very docile and patient. Clover was the perfect choice for when Regina worked with little ones.

"Reach out your hand, Leah," she coaxed her, holding the girl so that she could reach Clover's white striped muzzle. "Don't be afraid. Clover is very patient as long as you know how to handle her. You want to be gentle, but also aware when working with these magnificent animals."

Leah held out her hand, petting Clover until the nervousness turned to joy. She giggled as Clover sniffed at her with her muzzle as if looking for treats. Regina rewarded her and then set Leah down. She taught her a few pointers such as how to approach a horse, where to stand and where the avoided blind spots were. The first session was always just about covering the basics and safety procedures. She soon had Leah walking around the paddock with her, holding her hand while the little girl held Clover's reins. Her mother was delighted when Regina looked up at her, and to her surprise, Mal was standing right beside her. She thought she had gone back to the cabin by now.

She beamed, because Mal had been very busy the last couple years and had yet to tour her newly renovated stable. They've always talked about it during their online sessions, but Mal had worked on one extensive case after the other and only managed to visit Storybrooke a few times and they were very short stays. In fact this was probably the first time in a long time that she wasn't working on a current case.

"That's it, Leah," Regina praised her when she saw her slightly pushing the mare away from her when she started leaning towards them. "Don't let her dominate the walk. You're in control, not her."

They did a few more laps around the paddock until they were nearing the end of their hour. She had Leah walk Clover back to the stable and showed her how to care for her when bringing her back to her stall. When they were done and had washed up after, Regina led Leah back outside to her mother. She and Mal seemed to be having a very interesting chat as Leah rushed up ahead and into her mother's arms.

"Mama! Did you see me!" the toddler exclaimed, the nervousness she had started with had now turned to excitement. Regina smiled as she caught up to them, catching Mal's proud gaze. "Miss Gina let me lead her around! And we fed her treats! And I got to brush her and clean her stall and everything!"

"I saw, baby," her mother laughed, holding her in her arms and kissing her cheek. "See it wasn't so scary, right?"

"Nope!" the toddler shook her head. "Can I ride her next time?"

Regina shook her head, feeling a familiar fondness for her little student that she usually felt when working with the little ones. Children had a way of warming her heart. Since she opened her stable and started working with them more and more, she started to appreciate the innocence and pure joy that children had when working with her. She had always been a very nurturing person that loved children, but after the trauma of being forced to be a mother and losing her own babies, she had lost that side of her. She had suppressed it deep down inside her that only Henry was able to find a piece of it. After working with Aaliyah, and Mal's therapy youth group, they had found a piece too. Working with her own young students and finally after Neal was born, they found the final piece of her nurturing heart, and Regina remembered just how much she adored children. Somehow she had worked through a trauma that she didn't even know she had.

"Maybe after a few sessions," Regina laughed. "Remember, when working with animals, we have to be patient."

"Thank you, Regina," Leah's mother said, putting her daughter down. "We'll see you next week?"

Regina nodded and after Leah hugged her goodbye, mother and daughter headed back to their car. Mal was looking at her with a subtle smile and a proud gleam in her eyes that had Regina blushing in embarrassment.

"Stop," she groaned as she turned back towards the stable. Mal followed her, breaking into a full blown grin.

"I can't help it, dear," she said. "I'm just so proud of you. You've come such a long way since the day I met you. Watching you work with Leah was beautiful. You have a way with children…" she hummed that last thought.

"And I love working with them," she softly ended that thought. "Come on, it's time for the tour I promised you two years ago."

Regina took her into the stables where Mal was delighted to meet each horse and even the feral barn cat that hung around. Mal had a way with animals in the same way that Regina had a way with children. Animals were like her babies, and Regina wondered not for the first time why she didn't have any pets besides the therapy horses. She watched in shock as the cat let her pick him up when he usually didn't like to be touched.

"How did you do that?"

"What are you talking about?" she laughed, holding him and scratching his ears. She could hear him vibrating as he purred in her arms.

"He's mean!"

"Nonsense! He just doesn't like you. They can sense that you know," Mal said as she put him down and dusted off her shirt. Regina scoffed as the cat started rubbing himself on her legs and asking for more attention.

"You could take him," Regina grumbled, having been swatted by him too many times when she'd tried to shoo him out of places he didn't belong. He had been here when Samual left her the place, and she decided to let him stay.

"You're the one in his domain," Mal said, which had Regina laughing in disbelief. She led her throughout the rest of the place and even back outside where her competition team was practicing with the coach she had hired along with some classes working in other paddocks with instructors. Mal was impressed as they made it back to her office after the tour.

"You've done such a wonderful job with this place," Mal complimented her, taking a moment to look at all the photos and certificates in Regina's office.

"Thank you," she smiled, sitting at her desk as Mal took the seat across from her. "It wasn't easy. The business classes nearly killed me." After she had taken ownership of the stables she had taken an accelerated business school course and earned her degree within two years. She was so far from her political science career, it was as if she had gotten rid of a dress that was too tight. Now her career path was right in front of her. She knew exactly what she wanted to do and she wasted no time in taking it.

"I remember," Mal acknowledged, because her online sessions during that time had dwindled for lack of time.

"Soo…" Regina changed the subject, trying to get information. "You and Ursula seemed to hit it off last night."

"Don't think I didn't know what you were doing," Mal frowned. "You were trying to set me up."

"Ok, and… How did it go?" she asked eagerly.

Mal leaned back in her chair, arms crossed as she regarded her with a fond disbelief.

"It went well," she replied, nonchalantly, which frustrated Regina.

"Are you going to see her again?"

"I… I don't know," she said, her eyes suddenly glazing over and Regina wondered if she had seen anyone since Cruella. "She did invite me to come tour her aquatics center. I told her I'd think about it."

"She definitely wants to see you again," Regina stated and Mal stayed silent, averting her gaze for a moment. Regina frowned, suddenly just noticing how exhausted she looked. Her eyes were dull and it seemed as if she had lost weight. Recently she has found herself worrying about her dear friend being up in that cabin and overworking herself. She looked stressed and Regina was a bit glad she wasn't working on any new big cases.

"You think so?" Mal asked, finally looking at her and Regina had never once since she's known her, heard her sound so unsure and nervous. She nodded, giving her a soft and assuring smile.

"She invited you to see her rescue. She normally doesn't allow tours. She's pretty clear about her rescue center not being a zoo."

"How did you meet her?" Mal asked, suddenly very interested.

"I was walking along the beach when I found her rescuing an injured sea turtle. She needed help getting it into her truck so I offered and we just became friends after. I asked if Henry could see the center and she gave me a whole lecture on how she wasn't running a zoo. She is very passionate about the welfare of wild animals, which is why I thought you two would get along perfectly."

"And not just as friends…" she stated.

"You never know," Regina shrugged, earning a look of suspicion from Mal. There was a beat of silence before she had decided to change the subject which Regina was completely ok with. She had the sense this was a delicate topic and she didn't want to push Mal into anything she wasn't ready for. She just wanted her and Ursula to meet.

"Emma seemed a bit quiet last night," she stated thoughtfully. So Mal had noticed too.

"She won't talk to me about it," Regina said, thinking about how last night Emma had only told her part of the truth. She had been feeling nostalgic of the past, but Regina had a feeling there was so much more. There has been something on her girlfriend's mind for a very long time. Something that made Emma retreat into herself. Regina was starting to worry and she wondered if she should try bringing it up to Emma again especially after she used sex last night as a distraction.

"You brought it up?" Mal asked.

Regina shook her head.

"I tried to last night, but she didn't give me a complete answer. I didn't question her further."

"Why not?"

Regina shrugged, not able to meet her eyes suddenly. She looked down at the items on her desk, her closed laptop, her planner, documents that she had been in the middle of and didn't complete. The nervous tremble she once had in her hands now turned to anxious fidgeting in her lap. She was afraid of forcing Emma to talk about things she wasn't comfortable sharing. She was afraid of pressuring her because she had once been there. She had been terrified of sharing her own dark past with anyone.

"You don't have to answer me, dear," Mal's soothing calm voice calmed her sudden anxiety that the question had invoked. She stilled her hands, suddenly aware of her anxious tic. "I can see that I made you nervous. I apologize."

"No need," Regina finally looked at her. "Communication is still something that we're working on. It's just harder with some of the darker subjects, such as Emma's past. I have a feeling it's why she's been a bit distant lately. I just don't know how to get her to open up about it."

"Don't be afraid to talk to her about it. Remember how afraid you were of sharing parts of your past?"

Regina nodded, remembering when she had been so afraid to talk to Emma or anyone about what she had gone through with Leopold. There were still some things she still hasn't been able to talk about. She understood all too well the demons that were still too horrific to remember. Emma had her own demons and trauma that she was unable to open up about.

"She just needs to be reminded that she can talk about these things with you."

She couldn't be afraid, not of Emma. So perhaps, she would try again. Last night Emma had redirected the conversation and distracted her and she let her. Tonight, she planned on making Emma know that she was in a safe place. She didn't need to go through this alone.

Regina was the first to come home that evening, and after prepping dinner, she had gone out to the garden while she waited for her family. She spent time thinking about what Mal had said, about not being afraid to coax Emma into talking to her. She thought about the words she wanted to say and how she wanted to make sure Emma knew she could come to her with whatever it was that was eating away at her. She stood under her apple tree, looking up into the thriving green leaves. The fairy lights were still hung in the branches, creating a warm soft glow. Something up deep in the branches caught her eye and she smiled so brightly. Hope bloomed in her chest as she spotted the single but small apple just starting to grow. Her tree was healing.

"What's that beautiful smile for?" Emma asked, coming down the steps of the porch and wrapping her arms around her from behind. She kissed her cheek and Regina turned in her arms. She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't hear the car in the driveway.

"Look up," she said and Emma followed her gaze and gasped in surprise.

"Is that an apple?"

"I knew she'd grow again," she whispered in awe and then looked into tender warm green eyes. "I'd like to talk to you about something tonight," Regina said. "After Henry goes to bed."

"Is it something I should be worried about?" Emma asked, a bit surprised and concerned at the same time. She furrowed her brow and Regina could see a bit of apprehension in her eyes.

"No," she shook her head and then kissed her on the lips as reassurance that they were ok. "I just feel like we need to talk about something, but I don't want Henry to overhear us. I want to wait till tonight. Is that ok, my love?"

Emma nodded in acceptance although she did look a bit worried still as they walked back inside, hand in hand. They spent the evening enjoying the dinner Regina had cooked for them, her famous lasagna that Emma and Henry could never seem to eat enough of. Dinners were now full of laughter and stories when before it had been full of silence and fear. Emma seemed lighter today, happier as she laughed with Henry as he talked about what he and his friends were getting up to in Storybrooke High. She found herself just watching them, her heart warming as mother and son laughed and joked around. She suddenly found herself thinking how it would be like to have another child at their table, and the heartwarming feeling in her chest turned to longing. She wanted to take the next step in her relationship with Emma. She wanted to marry her as terrifying as it felt after everything she has been through, somehow she found a way past the trauma. She wanted a future, she wanted more babies, but how could she even begin to bring that up to Emma when she was going through some of her own unspoken demons.

"Regina?" Emma's worried voice ended the laughter and Regina was meeting her worried green eyes. She hadn't realized how lost in her thoughts she had been. "What were you thinking about?" she asked.

"Nothing," she shook her head, taking a small bite of her dinner. "I was just thinking of my tree. How I'm excited to see it flourish with apples again." Something dark and ugly swirled in her belly for the white lie that flew from her lips. She didn't mean to lie, but bringing up the fact that she was thinking what it would be like to have another child sitting with them might freak Emma out.

"Your tree is growing apples again?" Henry asked, shocked at the news and she smiled brightly. She was thankful for the change of subject.

"It's still a bit early," she said. "But I spotted one apple all the way in the top among the branches. Soon it will be blooming and I could make apple pies, turnovers, and cider."

"Yum!" Henry was so excited it was contagious. "I can't wait! Something about your pies being made with apples straight from the tree is even more delicious than when you use store bought apples."

"It's authentic," Emma commented, finishing off her plate. "Mmm, babe this was delicious. Thank you."

Regina nodded her acceptance of the compliment, remembering how anxious cooking had made her. Emma always made sure to thank and compliment her after she had told her how Leopold always made it a chore for her and then would complain about it not being to his standards. He often compared everything she did, such as cooking meals, to Eva and it always made her sick.

"We'll take care of the dishes, right kid?" Emma asked, getting up from her seat and stacking the empty plates and utensils. Emma frowned to see that she had hardly eaten. "Are you feeling ok?"

"I'm just not hungry," she said as she handed Emma her plate. "I had a late lunch with Mal."

"I'll pack it in the fridge for you," she said, taking the plate, and with Henry's help they took all the dishes to the kitchen.

Regina took this moment to go into her studio. She wanted time to decompress and think about her conversation with Emma tonight. She wasn't going to bring up the thoughts that invaded her mind tonight during dinner. She had a feeling Emma wasn't ready. She knew something else was bothering Emma, something they needed to work through before they could even talk about where their relationship was heading. She sat at her work bench and opened her drawing pad to her current sketch she has been working on.

It was of the sea turtle she had helped Ursula rescue all those months ago. She had been weary of the stranger but then eventually came to trust her as she helped her move the wounded animal into her truck. From that moment forward, she kept running into her at the beach and had steadily become good friends. Emma had been so proud of her and at first she couldn't understand why. It wasn't until she explained that it was simply because of the fact that she was making new friends. She was creating new relationships when before she had pushed everyone away. She wanted to paint a canvas of the turtle and give it as a gift to Ursula.

She heard the tv go on and figured Emma and Henry were watching a movie together before bedtime. She was grateful that they didn't come looking for her. She enjoyed spending some of her evenings drawing instead of watching television. She let the sound of the movie mixed with their reactions wash over her like a balm to her heart as she focused on moving her pencil into intricate lines of the turtle's face. His black but innocent eyes. His scaly skin and his smooth strong shell. She was nearly done when she heard the tv go off after a couple of hours and Emma telling Henry it was time for bed.

A knock on the door had her looking up to see her son standing by the threshold. His eyes were bright, his hair was messy from lying on the couch, and he was dressed in his pajamas. He was so tall, growing so quickly sometimes she'd tear up just looking at him. Her eyes grew misty. No longer was he the little boy that was so lost and confused; he created a whole fairytale world in his head. Now he was a teenager, worrying about colleges and writing the most he has ever written in his life.

"Mom!" he groaned as he approached her. "You're doing the crying thing again. I just want to say goodnight." She stood from her seat and hugged him tightly, kissing his forehead and trying not to cry.

"You're just growing up way too fast my little prince," she laughed as she pulled away to look at him.

"And I'll still be your little prince," he said. "Although, not so little."

"Good night," she kissed his cheek and watched as he walked away. Emma came in after him, wishing him good night in passing and then approaching her. She kissed her lightly on the cheek and pulled away to look into her eyes.

"Is this going to be a porch swing and wine kind of talk?" Emma asked, sounding a bit nervous.

"Perhaps."

"I'll get the wine, you grab the blanket?" Emma asked, kissing her cheek at Regina's nod and then heading to the cellar where they kept their cider and wine stash.

Regina grabbed the throw blanket from the couch and headed out to the swing. The porch lights were on, illuminating them in a dim light. She can hear the sounds of crickets chirping, serenading in the silence of the night and she briefly thought of Jiminy Cricket from Henry's old stories. She took a seat, cuddling up under the blanket and waited for Emma.

She wasn't sure how this conversation was going to go, but she knew that ultimately she wanted Emma to know that she was right here with her. There was no need to be afraid.

Soon Emma came out with two glasses of red wine. She handed one to Regina and then snuggled up beside her underneath the throw blanket. Emma held her close, kissing her cheek before sipping wine. They stayed silent for a moment, appreciating the late night sounds of crickets and the rustling of wind in the trees until Regina finally decided to speak.

"You distracted me last night," she stated and watched as Emma's cheeks grew pink and her eyes averted out of embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"I'm not angry about that, Emma," she interrupted her. "I'm just worried. I know you're usually solemn on the days surrounding your birthday, but this year, you seemed to have fallen deeper behind your walls. I want you to know you can talk to me about anything. I'm right here with you."

"I told you last night, it's nothing. I was just nostalgic about the night we met," she stubbornly refused to admit what was really going on. Regina shook her head, not accepting that answer anymore.

"I don't think that's it," she pushed. "Something's on your mind. It has been for a while."

Regina saw it the moment it happened. Emma shut down, her walls going up higher than they have ever been with her. Emma had always been able to talk to her about things, but whatever that was eating away at her, she was too afraid to let Regina in. With a heavy heart, she watched as Emma's eyes glazed over. Her posture grew tense, and she shook her head with an air of finality.

"Regina, I can't… I don't even know how to begin. I love you and nothing will ever change that, but I'm afraid…"

"Afraid of what?" she whispered, her heart breaking.

"I'm afraid that these thoughts I'm having, these fears… will break us."

"Emma…" She didn't know how else to convince her to talk to her. She didn't know how to pull her from her fears of whatever it was that was dragging her under. She suddenly felt like she was just seeing how far Emma had fallen into her head and she despised herself for not seeing it much sooner. "What are you afraid of? Is it something from your past?"

She stayed silent, averting her eyes, and Regina took that as confirmation. For some reason, whatever Emma was afraid of, she was afraid of it pushing her away, and Regina wanted to remind her exactly who it was she was sitting with. She leaned in close, placing her hand on her cheek before drawing her into a sweet comforting kiss. When they pulled away, Emma had tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I might lose you if I tell you," Emma whispered.

"You won't ever lose me, my love. Remember, when I was afraid of talking to you about my nightmares as the Evil Queen?"

Emma nodded, wiping her eyes.

"I was afraid of scaring you away because I thought I was evil. I thought my heart was as black as the fairytales. You reminded me over and over that whatever I was afraid of, I didn't have to go through it alone. You held my hand until I was able to tell you. Now, I'm sitting here…" Tears started streaming down her face and Emma let out a soft sob at that. "I'm going to hold your hand through it until you're ready. Don't shut me out."

"I want to tell you," Emma whispered. "Believe me I do, but I'm not ready."

Regina accepted that answer. She didn't push for more, because she could remember exactly how it felt to be afraid of sharing something so dark it might just risk losing the person she loved. She could remember waking up in the throes of a dark twisted fairy tale and not knowing how to tell Emma she had crushed her ex husband's heart into dust.

She kissed away Emma's tears and held her as silence descended over them. Regina ran her fingers through her long golden curls, wondering what on earth could make Emma so afraid of losing her. She couldn't imagine that there would be anything that would make her want to end their relationship. Maybe if Emma talked to someone, maybe Archie? Maybe he could be the one to help her until Emma was ready to let her in.