Chapter 8 Chasing The Past

She was only three, but she understood the severity of what was happening. She just didn't understand why. She didn't understand that mommy was so exhausted that she couldn't take care of two babies. She couldn't understand that she had fallen so deep into postpartum depression, she forgot how much she loved Emma. All she knew, as she sat on the hard plastic chair of the social services office, her feet unable to reach the floor, was that she was apparently going back. She didn't even know she was adopted until her daddy awkwardly tried his best to explain it to a toddler. They were the only parents she had ever known, but somehow they weren't her parents. If they weren't her parents, then who were and why wasn't she with them?

Her mommy was in the hospital. She had a nervous breakdown two weeks after giving birth to her baby sister. She could remember waking up in the middle of the night and hearing her scream and her daddy yelling in panic. She could remember hiding under her bed as an ambulance pulled up, the red and blue lights flashing through her pink curtains. She could only remember flashes from that night, but her mommy had disappeared for two weeks and her grandmother came to watch her. She was stern and mean and Emma hated every moment of it.

She wasn't sure how long she was sitting on that chair until her daddy finally emerged from the office. She immediately jumped off her chair, ready to go home and watch cartoons until it was time to go to bed.

"Daddy!"

He kept walking, quickly as if he were trying to lose her. Confusion and dread washed over her. A deep kind of raw panic settled within her and she ran. "Daddy, wait!"

"Emma," a woman behind her was suddenly taking her hand before she could get any further. He didn't even say goodbye. "Emma, you're not going with him. He's not your father anymore."

"Daddy, come back! I'll be good!" she cried, ignoring the social worker, and desperately trying to pull away from her so that she could catch up to him. Tears streamed down her cheeks, her vision blurring as she was suddenly being picked up. She couldn't even scream as she watched her daddy exit the building, leaving her to get lost in the system.

She was sent to an emergency group home. She was cold and tired and scared as the social worker led her into a house where a woman was waiting for her on the porch. She looked nice enough, older and nurturing, but Emma was too distraught to even notice. She was silent and withdrawn and wanted her mommy and daddy even if they didn't want her. She couldn't understand what she had done for them to hate her.

She was shown to a room where two other little ones her age slept in bunk beds. She was given fresh clothes, and as she curled up in the bed that was so unfamiliar to her, the door crept opened not long after her new foster mother wished her goodnight.

She peeked out from the blanket to see a boy about ten years old with red hair and blue eyes standing by her bed. He was looking at her with a contemplating look on his young face as if he knew her somehow.

"Emma," he whispered.

"How do you know my name?" she asked, curling up tighter in a ball under her yellow knitted baby blanket, the only thing her daddy left her with. His eyes roamed over the blanket, over the purple embroidery of her name.

"I recognized your blanket," he said, reaching out and touching the edge. Emma tensed up and he immediately pulled his hand back. "We've met before. My name is August."

She sat up a bit, looking at him and trying to place his face. She's never seen him before, but apparently he knew her. She didn't understand.

"I found you," he whispered, lifting the hand that was hidden behind his back the entire time. He had a children's picture book with a newspaper clipping inside. He took out the clipping as Emma scanned the book. She didn't know how to read yet but she could make out a picture of a gray duckling. Aren't ducklings yellow?

He handed her the clipping with a picture of a diner and a picture of a young boy. She held it in her hands, not recognizing the words but she could make out her name, Emma written in the print. She looked up at him, the same face in the picture only just a bit older.

"Do you know who my parents are?" she asked, searching his eyes as if trying to make out anything familiar about him.

"No," he shook his head. "But I don't have parents either." He hung his head as he sat on the edge of the bed. She sat up as well and tried handing him back the newspaper clipping.

"You can have it," he said. "Maybe it'll help you."

He didn't even say goodbye to her. Emma couldn't blame him. She had been searching for her parents for most of her life, and if someone she loved knew the information the entire time and lied to her, well she would have been furious. Betrayed. Heartbroken. She understood Henry's anger, but it didn't make it hurt any less. She had only wanted to protect him, but she ended up just making it worse. She watched from the driver seat of the bug as he hugged Regina goodbye on the front porch of Mary Margaret and David's farmhouse. They stood behind him, with Neal in Mary Margaret's arms. She couldn't exactly make out what was being said as they pulled away and Regina caressed his cheek, but when he looked at her and shook his head, she had a feeling Henry refused her request to go say goodbye.

Her heart was absolutely shattered. He didn't look at her once since they woke up and drove over to the farmhouse early this morning. He wasn't even talking to her.

Emma watched as Mary Margaret and David each hugged Regina, before they turned to wave at the bug. Emma gave them a small wave back as Regina rushed towards her. Henry went inside, not bothering to see them off. Mary Margaret and David stayed on the porch with their son, arms around each other and looking as happy as she felt sick.

She masked her emotions, forcing herself from shedding anymore tears. She needed to keep it together for the incredibly long journey she was about to take. The door opened and Regina slid into the passenger seat. Emma's eyes were focused straight ahead, past Mary Margaret and David and to the closed wooden door. Maybe she should go in and say something?

"Emma?" She could feel Regina's eyes on her. She felt a warm hand take hers and she slowly turned to look at her girlfriend. Brown deep eyes looked right through her as if she knew of the turmoils going on inside her. "He needs time," she reminded her.

She nodded, unable to say anything, because as hard as she was trying to keep it all together, her emotions bubbled close to the surface. The whole world felt against her right now, and even though Regina was by her side, she knew she had hurt her too. She knew she was angry for hurting their son.

She pulled out of the driveway, away from Mary Margaret and David. Away from the farmhouse. Away from Henry. She drove in silence until she was well past the town line. The trees of the forest sped past them in a nauseating motion. Her hands gripped the wheel and her head hurt from frowning so hard as she focused on the road. Even though she was finally following a lead to her past, all she could think about was her son.

"Emma… Slow down."

She didn't even hear her. She was so lost in her thoughts. She accelerated, going a bit faster as if she could just run from the grief and self loathing. The trees became a blur. Something hot and wet splattered on her cheeks.

"Emma! Pull over!" Regina was suddenly yelling, her hand gripping her shoulder hard enough to snap her out of her trance. What the hell was she doing?! She hit the breaks, bringing the bug to an abrupt stop. The moment she shut off the engine, Regina was out of the car and slamming the door.

"Shit," she cursed, angrily wiping the tears from her warm cheeks and getting out and meeting Regina in front of the bug.

"What the hell was that!" she snapped so furiously Emma froze. Her chest was heaving, and underneath the blazing fire in her eyes she could see the raw fear. She immediately felt ashamed. She hadn't meant to scare her. She hadn't meant to lose herself. "You could have gotten us killed!"

"I know… I'm sorry. I was just…"

"Emma," Regina said her name as if she were trying to calm herself. Her voice was trembling and she looked a bit pale from the scare Emma had unintentionally put her through. "You were speeding like we were in a goddamn car race! What the hell were you thinking about?"

The harshness in her voice had Emma shutting down. The subtle anger that Regina had held against her since she confessed her secret, had been coming and going like waves in a storm. She was hot and cold, and she couldn't take this on top of everything else. She couldn't deal with Regina being angry at her. The woman who held her heart in her palms. The woman who knew her so deeply. The worst part of all this, was that she broke Regina's trust too, not just Henry's.

"I… I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I just got lost in my head," she said calmly, not rising to the anger spewing from the other woman. Regina had a right to her anger. She could have killed them both because she was too distracted to pay attention.

The anger simmered and Regina took a deep shaky breath. She held her hand out.

"Give me the keys. I'm driving."

Emma handed them over without a word and then headed to the passenger seat. They were both silent as Regina got behind the wheel and continued their drive to the place that she has been dreading to return to. The diner that August had found her at.

The drive had been unbearably silent as Emma zoned out into her thoughts again. Regina drove at a steady pace, her knuckles tight on the wheel. She could see her hands trembling and she felt like shit for scaring her. She was so angry at herself and overwhelmed that she really hadn't realized she was driving so fast.

It was about an hour later when Regina pulled up to a small diner that looked as if it hadn't been updated since the 70's. Regina parked the bug and Emma was out the door in a second. She hasn't been back here since she was a young adult looking for answers. The last time she had been here was around the time she had given up searching. Familiar feelings of disappointment and abandonment resurfaced and it took all she had to keep herself from breaking down. It took all she had to keep her emotions at bay. She needed to keep a clear head as she walked over to the highway, not even waiting for Regina to catch up.

She crossed the road and over to the field where August had found her wrapped up in nothing but a blanket. She kicked at the dirt, her eyes welling up with threatening tears. She wasn't sure what she was expecting to find out here. She looked up and out into the field, the wind pushing her hair from her face. They were out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields of open grass and trees. The woman that left her here could have come from anywhere.

"Emma," Regina was suddenly beside her, taking her hand and calming the overwhelming panic that had fallen over her. She hadn't realized how hard she was breathing as if she had been running. She turned to the woman beside her, and was beyond grateful that the anger that had been flashing in those eyes was now gone and in its place was a deep understanding of her grief. She took both of Regina's hands.

"I know you're angry at me," Emma started, needing to set things right between them before they moved further into their journey. "I know I betrayed you. I know I hurt you and I hurt our son. I am just as angry at myself for being such an idiot then, but that's just it. It was years ago and during a time where I trusted no one. I wasn't even sure if I was going to stick around town. I didn't know that I would be in his life or yours. It's why I grew distant as each year, each birthday that passed since you had come home from the retreat, because I knew there were things about my past I would have to eventually share, even the parts that I lied about. Sharing my past is something I had never done with anyone. I never trusted anyone enough, but now I have you and Henry. I want to share these things with you, and there are things that are going to come up in this journey that might change the way you look at me. I'm afraid of my past coming between us, that is what I meant when I said I was afraid of us breaking."

"Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to my anger," Regina looked down at their joined hands, remorse heavy in her tone. Emma frowned and gently reached up to tilt her chin up so that she could look at her.

"You have a right to be angry at me. I just need you to understand why I lied. I need us to be on the same page going forward, because I need you. I want to finally let you into my past, even the darkest parts of it."

Emma caressed her cheek, rubbing soothing circles on her skin with her thumb and then tracing the scar on her lip. She needed her partner beside her, that's all she was asking here. Regina gave her a small assuring smile and what felt like relief warmed Emma's heart.

"That's all I ever wanted," Regina said softly. "I just wanted you to let me in. I want you to trust me, like I trusted you with the darkest parts of my own past. Please be honest with me, be honest with Henry going forward."

Emma nodded, the hand on her face sliding into her hair as she silently promised her with a kiss. She vowed to herself she wouldn't leave her in the dark anymore. She knew she needed to fix things with Henry as well but that would have to wait. She needed to have a clear head going forward and that meant not letting her guilt drag her down. She pushed it to the back of her mind, because the stunt she had pulled, getting lost in her emotions and speeding, can't ever happen again. She never wanted to see that look of anger and fear in those dark eyes ever again.

"Come on," she whispered as she pulled Regina close to her side with an arm around her shoulder. She just needed to feel close to her again. Regina leaned into her embrace, tilting her face up to place a sweet kiss on her cheek. "Let's get out of here." She led her back to the car and didn't question when Regina got behind the wheel once more.

They drove until they were finally passing the city line into Portland. They have been on the road for about over 3 hours and decided to track down the address of the waitress August gave Emma before stopping anywhere else. Emma wanted to get it done as soon as possible. They had pulled up to a loft right in the downtown district. She took a deep shaky breath as the car parked outside of the brick building. It was late evening, but the city was alive with lights and busy sidewalks of people enjoying the restaurants and bars. Emma decided that whatever happened, they were stopping at a bar for drinks and food before checking into a hotel. She had a feeling she was going to need it, and by the look of exhaustion on Regina's face from the long drive, she was going to need a drink and a hot plate of food as well. She placed her hand on hers that was on the wheel, coaxing her to meet her eyes.

"Thank you for being here with me," she said sincerely, because despite all the turmoils of the day, Regina was by her side and that was the most anyone had ever done for her. Regina smiled at her and leaned in to place a sweet kiss on her lips.

"I'm always here for you even if I'm angry at you. That will never change how much I love you. I know I've been hard on you. I'm sorry."

Emma reached up, placing her hand on her cheek. Regina leaned into her touch, looking deeply into her eyes with sincerity for her words. Emma didn't think it was possible to love this woman more than she already did. She didn't think it was possible that she would ever find this. She would never take it for granted.

"Are you ready?" Regina asked her.

"As ready as I'll ever be," she sighed, moving away to exit the car. Regina followed her, and together they made it up the steps and into the brick building, hand in hand. The rest of the way was done in silence. Emma could feel herself trembling even while holding on tightly to her girlfriends supporting hand.

They stopped outside the apartment door and before knocking, Emma took a deep breath. It took a moment before the door opened and there stood an older woman in gray hair and wearing a robe.

"Can I help you?" she asked, looking confused. Regina nudged her a bit to get her talking.

"I'm Emma Swan," she introduced herself. She pulled her phone out and showed her the headline of the old newspaper article from when she was found. "I was hoping to ask you some questions."

"Emma Swan…" she murmured, looking at her in shocked realization. "The last time I saw you, you were a day old and all alone in this world." Those words pierced her heart like a knife.

"Come in," she said, stepping aside. She showed them down the hall to her living room where she beckoned for them to sit down. The place was small but homely, with a few cats lying about.

"My name is Erin," she introduced herself. "Can I offer you some tea?"

"No thank you," Emma politely declined. Her stomach was in knots. "This is Regina, my girlfriend."

"Nice to meet you," she nodded as she sat on an armchair across from them. "So, what can I do for you? My guess is you came all this way to figure out where you came from?"

"I need to know if you remember seeing my mother at the diner that day."

She was quiet for a moment, staring into Emma's eyes with a reminiscent gaze. It was a long moment until she finally spoke again.

"I do remember her. I remember thinking how strange it was that a girl as young as she was sitting alone with a baby wrapped in nothing but a knitted blanket."

"She was young?"

"Couldn't have been more than 16 or 17."

"She was a child…" Regina stated.

"Indeed she was," she nodded.

"Do you have any idea who she was or where she came from?" Emma asked.

"There's a few surrounding small towns. She could have come from anywhere. I've never seen her before. Maybe you ought to try some of the highschools. If you're lucky she might have been in a club or sport or something."

"Do you remember what she looked like?"

Erin gave her a small smile that dripped with pity that made Emma feel shameful. She frowned, building her walls. She didn't need this stranger's pity. She felt Regina take her hand and she let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding.

"She looks alot like you."

"She does?" she asked, caught off guard. She had always wondered what they looked like and if she had resembled them. "She was a brunette with dark eyes but you have her face. You have the same look in her eyes."

"And what's that?"

"She was lost too."

Despite their visit with Erin being successful, they were nowhere near finding the woman who was Emma's mother. The only lead they had to go on was searching the high school records of surrounding towns. It was finding a needle in a haystack. They exited the apartment, determined to find someplace to eat and plan their next move. Emma was quiet, and Regina grew more and more worried as they walked the downtown strip until they came to the bar and grill Erin recommended. The lights were dim, the music was tasteful and the customers around them laughed and talked. It was a beautiful night in Portland, but they hardly noticed. They sat at a booth, ordered some drinks and a plate of carne asada tacos. For as long as they had been on the road, Regina didn't have an appetite and neither did Emma. She watched as her girlfriend mostly picked at her food taking small bites here and there.

"What's next?" she asked, pulling Emma's attention to her.

"Let's go home and then start making a list of surrounding towns from the diner. She couldn't have come from too far."

Regina reached her hand out, covering Emma's with hers. Emma turned her hand over to grasp her fingers and squeeze her hand in silent reassurance.

"We're going to find her," Regina assured her, looking into watery uncertain green eyes. "This time it's not going to be a dead end. We're going to find out where you came from."

"How are you so sure about this?" Emma's voice trembled. Regina watched as a single tear slid down her cheek.

"You're never one to give up," she said softly. "And neither am I."

"It just seems impossible right now," Emma shook her head, leaning her chin on her palm and looking away for a moment. The single tear turned to a steady stream down her cheeks. Regina immediately stood and went around the booth to sit beside her. She gathered Emma into her arms holding her, as she let out a sob.

She couldn't even begin to know what Emma was feeling. Her own mother never abandoned her, but she might as well have. Cora had emotionally abandoned her and it nearly killed her. The emptiness she felt from not having her own mothers love and approval tore her heart into a million pieces. She could only feel the tip of the iceberg of rejection that Emma must be feeling with her own mother.

Regina managed to get Emma to eat and at least finish her drink. Soon they were walking hand in hand down the strip, snow lightly falling upon them. The city of Portland had already been decorated for thanksgiving with twinkle lights wrapped around light posts and fall decorations distributed among buildings. Portland during the holidays was beautiful.

They decided to walk to the hotel which wasn't very far. Regina had the feeling that Emma needed to think and the quiet walk in a beautiful city was what she needed. She held her hand, keeping quiet. All of this had started to get her to think about her own mother. She hasn't talked to Cora since the night she overdosed in her mansion. Maybe it was time she reached out. There was so much time between them now. Emma's journey had inspired her to try and fix the broken bridges between them. Even if Cora was still the same heartless woman, then at least she could get her own closure in knowing she had tried a final time.

"What are you thinking about, love?" Emma suddenly asked her and she realized they had both been lost in their heads for a moment.

"I was thinking about Cora."

Emma looked at her with a silent question on her lips, stopping them in their tracks. She knew how Emma felt about Cora. She hated that woman to her very core. She had told her about the last fight they had before she rushed to the hospital.

"I was thinking maybe I should reach out to her. It's been 3 years."

"What brought this on?" she asked curiously, frowning in confusion.

Regina shrugged, not exactly knowing how to explain her sudden need to reconnect or at least try. Emma tilted her chin up, guiding her to meet her gaze.

"You can tell me," she whispered, illiciating a ghost of a smile on Regina's lips from her warm reassurance.

"Well, your strength and refusal to give up in finding your mother inspired me. It made me realize that perhaps I should attempt to give Cora at least one more chance. She is my mother, after all."

"You don't owe her anything," Emma reminded her.

"I know," she nodded. "But I need to know I did everything I could. I need to know that I'm not the reason she can't love me."

"You're not," Emma shook her head, her eyes flashing with anger that wasn't directed at her.

"I've never felt that, even after the retreat. I need to do this, just like you need to find your own answers to your past. Perhaps we can both take this journey together?"

Emma nodded, pulling her into her arms and holding her tight against her. The warmth of her hug comforted her in a way she was still getting used to after a lifetime of abuse. Emma always made her feel so safe and loved.

"I don't think she deserves anything from you," Emma whispered in her ear. "But I'll support you, for you, not for her."