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***Fiddling was had. All mistakes are mine.

Chapter 18

"Golden

You're so golden
I don't wanna be alone
You're so golden
You're so golden
I'm out of my head
And I know that you're scared
Because hearts get broken

I know that you're scared
Because I'm so open"

"Golden" by Harry Styles

~oOo~

The final weekend of spring training rapidly approached. The last of the Braves games would be played the following week. The guys were pumped and ready to enjoy a few days off before the final push. The wives and girlfriends were already in the process of planning their annual luau, knowing this weekend was the last calm before the storm of the regular season.

Edward missed Bella. Once he'd made up his mind to take the chance and dissolve the deal, it was all he could think about. He didn't want to broach the subject with her on the phone, so he kept their conversations sweet and flirty most nights. He looked forward to the end of each day when he could curl up in bed and talk to her. His schedule had been relentless, but his time with her always made his day better.

Bella, meanwhile, was healing nicely. She was so close to getting her boot off and starting rehab she could almost taste it. It had been a trying and lonely month for her, but at least she could drive and get around. Her teammates did their best to keep her occupied with dinners and movie nights, but it just wasn't the same as her usual routine. Thankfully, her parents had been in town for the past week to keep her company. It felt good to have someone in the house with her.

Once her parents left, there were no more distractions to keep her mind from wandering or daydreaming about Edward. She looked forward to their daily phone calls. Each one seemed better than the last. They talked well into the evening, occasionally pushing the boundaries of Edward's bedtime. She worked hard to put Jacob out of her mind, most of the time successfully, but other times, he would creep back into her subconscious, filling her with apprehension. In those times, she tried to focus on the smiles, attention, and flowers Edward sent, soothing the ache she felt in his absence.

Edward was tired of being one of the only bachelors hanging around all the couples. He was over being everyone's third wheel when he knew, or at least he hoped, he had a girl. With all the plans made for the final weekend, he wanted to have Bella by his side. So, after the day's game, he decided he was going to roll the dice on their call. A call he hoped would be a great step toward ending the deal. During their time apart, he realized the reasons for their deal never truly existed. He wasn't interested in anyone else.

For the first time in a long time, Edward Cullen was ready to take a chance and share himself with someone other than baseball.

~oOo~

Edward settled comfortably in bed after a long, cool shower. It had been an exceptionally hot day, and everyone was feeling the humidity. He was beat. The sun had taken it out of him today, but that didn't lessen the anticipation he felt about his phone call with Bella. He took out his iPad and opened it up, arranging it on the bed. He was lying on his side, propped up on one elbow, with his hand supporting his head. Once he was comfortable, he hit the video button and initiated the call.

"Well, hey there," Bella answered with a sweet smile on her face. She, too, was in bed, fresh-faced and happy to see him.

"Hey, shug. What's going on?"

"Nothing much. Just the same ol' same ol'. Mom left this morning, so the house is kinda quiet again."

"I know you were happy to have her come back and keep you company. I missed our calls, though." Edward looked at her sheepishly. He lightly danced around the word "miss" because he really missed her something fierce. He had become accustomed to their nightly calls and had to resort to texts to get through her mom's visit.

"I missed them, too," Bella admitted. Their nightly chats had helped her get through some dark days.

"Speaking of missing our calls…" Edward hedged, "I was thinking—"

"Don't hurt yourself there." Bella laughed, amusement washing over her face.

"Ha-ha, very funny." Edward paused as he waited for her to refocus and stop laughing. "So, I was thinking…our last weekend here is coming up this weekend, and we don't have games on Saturday or Sunday."

"Uh-huh."

"The wives and girlfriends are planning a luau, and I was wondering if you'd…if you'd l-like to come down and hang out with me. Watch the Friday game, and then we could have the whole weekend to ourselves. Go to the luau, just do whatever." Edward watched her chew on her lip. Indecision rolled off her in waves.

"That's a lovely offer, really."

"But?"

"But, I mean, we aren't official or anything. How would that look? We still have the deal, no matter how loose it may be." She shifted uncomfortably.

"I don't care how it looks. It's not the first time we've been out in public, and if I have anything to say about it, it won't be the last." Edward sighed, running a hand roughly through his hair. "Am I missing something?"

"No," she mumbled.

"When I left, we said we'd continue moving forward and keep dating. This is me, keeping that promise. We've basically been exclusive since the season ended." Edward watched as Bella, once again, bit down on her lip before nodding.

Bella laughed. "Yeah, well, there's that."

"Then why don't you come down? Come on, shug. You know you wanna."

Edward looked at her hopefully. He really wanted her to come down. He wanted to end this fucking deal. The fact that she mentioned it made his stomach drop.

"Edward, I think…I think we should just stick to the deal for right now and stay out of the spotlight. Continue to keep things the way they are. With the season starting again—" Bella sighed. "I just don't want to draw too much attention to us with Jacob here. I can't shake the feeling that he'll come out of the woodwork if we go public. I'm not mentally ready to handle any more attention where he's concerned."

Bella saw the light in Edward's eyes fade as she brought up Jacob. She was genuinely worried about Jacob's erratic behavior. The crushing emotion she felt when she saw his face again did quite a number on her, and she had yet to completely shake it off. She realized the damage he could do to her in Atlanta, and she refused to have her dirty laundry aired again. Her only hope was that she didn't rock the boat too much with Edward.

Edward's dulled expression morphed into one of aggravation. The ideal weekend he'd planned appeared to be going up in smoke faster than he could put out the fire.

He sat up in bed with his eyes locked onto hers. Talking on FaceTime wasn't exactly how he wanted to share his feelings, but his patience snapped at the mere mention of Jacob's name. The joy he felt at the beginning of the phone call had officially been sucked out.

Why the fuck did she keep bringing up the deal? And now Jacob? Edward knew Jacob's visit had rocked her to the core, but he was hoping that with time he could erase the memory of that asshole. He missed that cool, sexy, confident woman, and he hated Jacob even more for taking her away.

"Fuck the deal," he blurted out. "And you know what? Fuck Jacob, too."

Bella's eyes widened at his declaration. She'd never seen him this upset or pissed off. He was always the epitome of calm and level-headedness.

"I'm sorry, Edward; I really am. I know Jacob added some unexpected stress to our situation, and I wish I could make it all go away, but I can't. I know it's a bad excuse, and I sound like a broken record…but I just feel now isn't the right time." Bella fidgeted in her bed, pulling on the end of her ponytail." Please, I just need some time—"

"How much more time do you need, Bella? I've been gone for almost six weeks." Edward's voice dripped with resentment. "Don't you think we've had enough time apart?"

Bella's eyes brimmed with unshed tears. She missed him more than he knew, but she just couldn't take that last step.

Edward felt guilty when he saw her shining eyes. He hated it when she cried, hell, when any girl cried. Knowing he brought her to that point hurt his heart.

He cleared his throat, his Adam's apple bobbing as he collected himself to apologize. "I'm sorry for my outburst, shug. I didn't mean to upset you. I just… aww, hell, I'm just gonna say it." He ran a nervous hand through his hair. "I miss you."

Bella was surprised by his candor, but she couldn't help the slow smile that curled on her face. "I miss you, too," she echoed.

He gave her a tender smile when she returned his sentiment. He hadn't realized until that moment how much it meant to hear those words.

"Listen, I want you to know, and I'm not trying to borrow trouble here, but my intention in asking you to visit was to get you down here to have some fun with me. I wasn't trying to make this a whole thing. You've been cooped up for so long. I thought some sunshine and a little time together before things get hectic would be nice."

Bella smiled. "Trust me, it's so tempting. I could use a little sun about now."

"Then stop saying no and pack your bags. Come on, shug. You know you want to."

"I love that you invited me, truly, Edward. I just…I just thought we'd have more time to figure out this deal, see where we stand. The season's just starting up. I assumed we would revisit it after you got home. See how everything felt. If we decide to make things more official before we're ready, it's going to open up a whole new can of worms. I want us to make sure we're ready, that I'm ready."

"You're right, it will open up a can of worms, but I'm okay with it. I'm tired of hiding, Bella. I thought this was a step in the right direction."

"Yeah, but I'm not—"

"Ready," Edward interrupted.

"I'm still jumbled up inside. Just trying to make sense of it all."

She had no idea why she was being so unyielding. The moment Edward asked her to visit, Bella felt her walls go up. She hated the baggage she carried from Jacob. Her heart was ready to be with Edward, but her mind had yet to catch up.

"I know I told you before I left that I would give you all the time you need, but I can't help thinking you're backpedaling. Did I do something to make you feel unsure about us?"

"No. I promise, I'm not. You've been wonderful, even more so since I've been injured. It's just me, it's not you," she murmured as her eyes focused on something in the distance.

She crawled off her bed and started to pace, taking her phone with her. Her boot clomped on the hardwood as she made her way around the house. She could never sit still when a conversation started to make her nervous. As she made a pass by the mantel, she grabbed the baseball Edward had thrown at her. The soothing feel of the ball rolling around in her hand gave her some comfort and connection as she waited for him to respond.

"Tell me you didn't just give me the, 'It's not you, it's me,' line."

Bella's mouth opened and closed. She was too shocked to speak. She never intended for her words to come out that way, for him to infer the worst. Damnit, she knew she was blowing this all to hell. She couldn't seem to dig herself out of the hole she'd made.

"Edward, I didn't mean…"

Edward looked at her solemnly. "Yeah, you did. I saw the look on your face." He scrubbed a hand through his beard in frustration.

"No, no, no. I didn't mean—"

"Listen, I really like you, Bella." He cut her off. "I'm not gonna beat around the bush. I thought I was giving you clear signals of just how much. It felt like you were reciprocating. But if I'm scaring you off, I clearly must be doing something wrong." Admitting that out loud left Edward feeling exposed, knowing that she was in the process of shooting him down.

He wasn't used to pursuing women. He had zero issues finding company, if that was what he wanted, but this woman was turning into quite a challenge. Just when he thought everything was falling into place, she pulled the rug out from under him.

"Edward…" Bella sniffled as she breathed out his name. "I promise you; I didn't mean to give you that awful line, and you're sure as hell not scaring me off. Every time, every time I feel myself taking a step forward with you, all my mistakes with Jacob come rushing back."

"You think you're the only one who's scared in this scenario? I'm the one at the beginning of all this who said they weren't good at relationships, and here I am trying to take that step with you."

She looked at the screen, embarrassment flooding her face, only to be met with Edward's piercing eyes swimming with vulnerability.

"Edward, I want…" Bella's voice trailed off, at the sight of his hand flashing up to hush her.

"Forget I said anything. Let's not beat a dead horse, okay? We both came into this with no expectations."

They'd made no promises when they made the deal, except to keep it loose and fluid. No strings attached, they'd agreed. No one was going to get hurt until, unfortunately, they did. Relationships in their world were hard.

Edward was silently cursing this fucking deal. He wished he'd never agreed to it. He knew when he agreed, it was a cowardly thing to do. He'd been afraid to invest again, hoping to avoid hurting her and himself in the end. The fear of failure had consumed him. Little did he know Bella would be the one to ground him and give him the respite and space he desperately needed. The irony of the situation was not lost on him.

Bella continued to pace around the house, his ball secure in her grasp, as her boot continued to batter the floor. Words escaped her. She peered silently into the phone, waiting and watching, while Edward adjusted his sheets as though he was buying some time.

The uncomfortable silence between them ended when Edward quietly spoke. "Is this what you really want? To wait until I get back to see each other?" It wasn't what he wanted, but he knew he was fighting a losing battle.

Bella waited a second to answer, making sure she could answer him without digging herself into another hole. "Yeah, I think so. I have a lot on my plate coming up, and with the start of rehab soon, I need to be in the right mindset, no distractions. I know I'm asking a lot, but please understand. I'm not saying no to us; I'm just saying not yet."

"You know, you once said I was the best kind of distraction." His sad smile reflected the rejection he was feeling.

"You are the best kind of distraction," she promised. She prayed he could see the truth and the sincerity in her words.

"All right, well, if this is what you want. I can't say I'm not disappointed. I'm not going to sit here and beg," he replied curtly.

"Edward, I can hear it in your voice. You're mad. Please don't be mad. I'm sorry, I—"

"Listen, it's fine, Bella. Please, no more sorries." Edward sighed. That was not how he thought the conversation would end. "I'm tired. It's been a long day. I'm going to call it a night and get some sleep, okay? I have an early day tomorrow."

"Talk soon?" Bella asked eagerly. She tried to sound upbeat, hoping to slow the panic rising in her body.

"I have a busy week. Uh, yeah, we'll see." His reply was noncommittal.

Bella knew. She knew in her soul and by his less-than-warm demeanor, she'd

hurt him. She tried to push away the thought that it could be their last phone call for a while, if not ever.

"Okay, sleep well. And Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you again for the lovely invite, and sharing how you feel. It really means a lot."

Humiliated, Edward's eyes could barely meet hers as he bid her goodbye. "Mm-hmm. Night, Bella."

Well shit, Bella thought to herself. There was no "'night, shug," no "sweet dreams." The vacant look in his eyes as they said goodnight spoke volumes. She had royally mucked everything up, and she had no idea how to fix it.

~oOo~

Four quiet days later, after just as many sleepless nights, Bella found herself FaceTiming the only person she knew to call.

"You rejected him?" Rose gasped. "What the fuck, Bella? That man is in love with you. Are you blind? Y'all have pussy-footed around your feelings and this deal for so long. Y'all don't know what the hell is right in front of you. For fuck's sake."

Bella sat stone-faced, staring at her sister. Dread washed over her as the realization hit her. "Oh my God. I fucked it up, didn't I? I fucked it up?"

"Yep, you fucked it up."

"Oh my God!" Bella cried out. "How could I have been so stupid?"

"Jacob, that's how."

"Jacob has nothing to do with Edward."

"He doesn't? You sure act like he does."

"Rose, please stop."

"You're afraid to trust anyone again because of Jacob. You can't let yourself feel anything pure and good, even when it's right in front of your face—because of Jacob."

"Rose, I asked you to—"

"Listen, you can tell me to stop all you want, but I know what I see. I'm tired of watching your detached self sabotage every good thing that comes your way. You've struggled with your feelings for Edward for quite some time. And frankly, I think you've run out of excuses, and that scares the hell out of you. I'll give it to you, though. You put up a good façade. You've fooled them all, but who you're truly fooling is yourself."

The silence stretched between them as Bella looked anywhere but at the screen.

Rose lovingly gained her sister's attention. "Listen, I'm not trying to be hard on you. You know that. I was there, helping you pick up the damn pieces after Jacob sucked the life out of you. And yeah, you've dusted yourself off and gotten back out there, but at what price? I know you do whatever you can to protect yourself, but, babe, you don't have to protect yourself from Edward. He isn't Jacob."

With fire in her eyes, Bella snapped, "I know Edward isn't like Jacob."

Rose smirked at her, satisfaction written all over her face. "Finally, you admit it."

"I've always known he wasn't like Jacob." Bella sighed. "There's always been something about him that drew me in. He's real with me. Like, he sees me, really sees me. He didn't judge me about Jacob at all. In fact, he was infuriated for me. I wish you could have seen his face."

"Oh, I saw his face when he came back that evening. Emmett said he was torn up about it."

"He's very…protective."

"He's a good man, Bella."

"I know he is. But what if all of this is too much?"

"He hasn't run yet. Why would he start now? He knows about Jacob. That's enough to make a weaker man run. Seems to me you're the only one who has done any running."

"He has his things too, Rose. He told me at the very beginning of this he wasn't good at relationships. That's what made this whole deal seem idyllic. Neither one of us was in a place to commit or have expectations, but yet we kept coming back to each other. I have no idea what he's done on the road, but I can tell you, since the moment I met him, it's only been Edward."

"And what if he's done something on the road?"

"I gave up the right to have an opinion when I offered the deal. He had that right, and I gave him that opportunity. I only knew I wanted to hold onto what we had, because I know how this life can be. I felt a connection with him, and I couldn't just let it go. He felt safe. Once the season was over, and we only saw each other, I knew I was in deep." Bella took a breath, contemplating how she would say the next part. "Since our new seasons have started…I've been scared I wouldn't be enough, that I had too much baggage with Jacob. I told him I needed some more time, and he was very obliging, but in the back of my mind, I can't help thinking, he could possibly meet someone that doesn't have all this crap going on."

"Oh, babe. You're in so deep. You can't get out of this with even a flesh wound at this point."

Bella nodded her head in agreement, her expression somber.

"What exactly is this piss-poor 'friends with benefits' deal you made with him?" Rose asked.

Bella cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "Well, it's kind of a 'no strings attached' sorta thing. Whatever happens on the road, stays on the road. No expectations, and we see each other when we're back in town and want to get together. And it worked…last season, but now, he wants to continue pushing our boundaries and keep dating. So, the deal is really kind of loose."

"And have great sex," Rose taunted.

Bella choked. "I mean, yeah. The sex is, well, it's amazing. Really amazing, actually." She blushed as her face broke out into a shy smile.

"I see. And how did that work for you?"

"It worked fine until—"

"Until you both fell in love with each other." Rose finished the words Bella struggled to finish.

"I'm not… We're not in love with each other," she said indignantly.

"Bella, you're not that good an actor, trust me. The moment I saw you two at the game, I saw the spark. When Edward got hurt, you were beside yourself, and then you baked up a storm. And when Jacob showed his ass, it was apparent it was so much more than friendship. Even Emmett noticed. But when you got hurt, I knew it was a forgone conclusion." Rose stifled a laugh.

"Rose."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Bella."

"What the hell am I supposed to do now? I have royally mucked this up. He will never forgive me for blowing him off the way I did."

"You book a flight and come down here."

"What? I can't do that."

"You can and you will."

Bella noticed Rose on her computer. "What are you doing?"

"Looking at flights," Rose responded.

"Stop. I can't drop everything and just show up? He hasn't even called me or texted me in four days," Bella admitted as Rose kept working on the computer.

She walked into the kitchen and started cleaning, a nervous habit of hers that remarkably resembled Monica on Friends.

Oh my God, I am like Monica, Bella thought as she continued to clean and argue with Rose.

"Okay, best I could do is get you booked on the first flight out of Atlanta tomorrow morning. You'll be here in time for some great makeup sex and then y'all can come to the luau tomorrow night."

"Rose, I don't even know if he wants to see me right now."

"Oh, he wants to see you. Trust me," Rose reassured.

"How do you know he—"

"Emmett. He mentioned Edward's been off the last few days and kind of grumpy. So, it all makes sense now. He isn't normally like that, so he asked me if anything had transpired between the two of you, and I told him I hadn't heard anything. That is, until now."

Bella's expression was remorseful. She knew she was the one who'd made him off and grumpy. She'd felt off as well. She missed their calls and their texts. When Edward went incommunicado, it was usually because he was focused on what he was doing. This time, she knew he was hiding behind it and avoiding her. She'd hurt him; there was no doubt.

"I've rented you a car from the airport as well. Everything is handled. All you have to do is bring a bikini, some clothes, and yourself."

"You're the best. I can't thank you enough," Bella complimented.

"Clear your schedule and get packed and ready to get on that plane tomorrow morning. It's gonna be great. I love you, babe."

"I love you, too. And Rose, please don't say a word to Emmett. I don't want him to slip and tell Edward I'm coming. I want to be able to tell him."

"I won't say a word. How you play this is up to you. Just know they have an early evening game, so he may not answer. Emmett's already gone for the day."

"Okay, thanks. See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow. Fly safe."

Bella hung up the phone and scurried to her room. She grabbed a suitcase from the closet and set it on the bed. As she rifled through her drawers, she came across some lingerie she had yet to wear. A smile curled on her face when she thought of the fun he would have taking it off her. She'd been saving it for something special. Hopefully, the deal would be put to rest, and that would be cause for celebration.

An: How we feeling? Okay, I know you want to hate on Bella, but give her a minute. Like she said, her heart is there, but her head hasn't quite caught up, yet. Her taking this step to come down is a big deal for her. She is entering his world on a whole new level.

Edward is in Florida licking his wounds. Who volunteers as tribute to make him feel better? LOL. Just know, these love birds will figure this all out. HEA all the way.

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We are leaving for London tomorrow for a Thanksgiving trip. There is a chance the next posting will be delayed by a day or two. I promise to get it to you as quickly as I can. Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate. Wishing you a great two weeks until we meet again.

~Be Happy

~Be Kind

~Be Blessed

~DrivingEdward