Connie cuddled the little boy in her arms, sliding her hand through his soft golden curls. His breaths rose and fell steadily in sleep.
Several of the other kids huddled close to her—a twelve-year-old blond girl, a blond girl about six and a dark-haired boy about the same age. The older girl spoke in reassuring tones to the younger kids, mixing Muldavian, English, and what sounded like Turkish. On her left were two brown-haired twin girls about ten who looked rather bewildered—scared but not terrified. On the other side of the van, two girls about eight who looked Romani held each other, glanced at Connie warily. Across from her sat a red-haired boy about twelve, tears streaking down his cheeks, his lips quivering. Huddled in the corner was a black girl about nine, her arms wrapped around her legs, her forehead leaning against her knees. She was shaking. These two, the lone boy and girl, looked like they needed the most reassurance. Connie wasn't sure how to help them see it was okay now. They were free, they were safe. But… it was true, everything wasn't really okay… after what they'd gone through… the trauma she didn't even want to think about, written deep into their souls…
It was probably best not to focus on them yet, even though she desperately wanted to help them. They were the ones it had been hardest to get to—they'd hid in the apartment when she'd gone in to help after the arrests. The twelve-year-old girl had fought, kicking when they went to unchain her, hitting when they went to pick up the youngest kids, the two near her now and the little boy in Connie's lap. She'd bit one of the officers before Connie managed to calm her down, telling her that they were taking the kids somewhere safe. But she'd only been satisfied when she went with the officers and inspected the van. Only then would she step aside so they could carry the little kids in.
The twins had come with readily; Connie suspected they'd only just been picked up and thankfully didn't have much more trauma to deal with than being captured and chained. The Romani girls had taken a little more coaxing. They'd run into the kitchen after they were set free and coordinated their approach, one grabbing a knife from the drawer and tossing it to the other, blocking the path past the kitchen island. Connie had almost gotten sliced with a knife, but she'd backed off a little and explained what was happening. She'd had to go into quite a bit of detail, telling them about David's rescue, about the orphanage, about the girls at the teen center. Even then they'd still been a bit wary, especially after Connie had mentioned she was staying at the palace. She'd had to provide evidence from the pictures on her phone for them to let down their guard enough to be led out.
According to the files the police found on Kohl's computer, the kids were in various stages of "conditioning". Connie hadn't wanted to know about the specifics, but it might be helpful in dealing with them… knowing where they were coming from, how much trauma they had to deal with. It made sense, considering their degrees of fear. The twins had been brought in only two days ago and hadn't gotten to the "first stage" yet. Kohl just started the first stage with the youngest and the Romani girls. The Romani girls they'd labeled "trouble" and "extra taming needed". Sadly, the twelve-year-old girl had started the "second stage"… Connie hadn't gotten much detail and hadn't wanted to, but it was beginning more of the more…specific "training". The twelve-year-old boy and the nine-year-old girl were at the end of the second stage and beginning of the third—the third was getting ready to sell them.
They hadn't even known there were other kids in the apartment until they read the files, which, thankfully, they'd been able to pry from the computer rather quickly. The last two kids weren't even chained; one of the officers speculated this was because the traffickers didn't want the wounds that came with ankle cuffs, and these kids were "conditioned" enough they wouldn't try to run away.
They found the girl under the bed and dragged her out rather callously, Connie thought. But they had to get her out for her own good… and she wasn't in the state to be reasoned with. After they'd dragged her out, she just sat in the corner, looking off into space, sitting bunched up like she was now.
The boy had hidden in a crack behind the shower; he probably only fit there because he was so thin. Most of the kids didn't look starved, but he was noticeably underweight. Perhaps he'd tried to starve himself—one of the only ways out. They'd carried him out as if he weighed no more than a pillow and sat him on the bed. He'd slumped down, buried his head in his hands, and hadn't moved until they carried him to the van.
Connie longed to gather them all in her arms—especially the ones who had experienced the worst. But they were the ones who needed the most space now. Eventually they'd need careful, caring touch.
She didn't want to wake the little boy but she wanted to help the others feel more at ease. Maybe she could find out where they came from so they could go back to their families. It would have to be determined whether their families were safe for them…
"What are your names?" she asked the twins.
"Um… I'm Livi, this is Sari." She hugged her sister. They gazed at her with big green eyes.
"Where do you come from?"
"We were just visiting. We come from Konterr in the west. Mama left us with our aunt but then…" She covered her eyes. "We went to the playground but there wasn't much to play on. There was this man who gave us candy. We have a truck like that in our city. But that candy….it made us go to sleep."
"That's what happened to me," said the twelve-year-old girl. She cuddled the dark haired boy in her arms, swaying back and forth. "I shoulda known better but I was so hungry and it was free… he just tossed it to me but he musta followed me. Next thing I knew…" She shuddered. "I was in that place."
"Is that what happened to all of you?"
The Romani girl on the other side of the van shook her head. "Some van came along and a man just jumped out and hit us. We tried to get back to Mama but…" She shook her head. "I fought." She pointed to a half-healed scar on her elbow.
"Me too," said the girl beside her, who on second glance looked a little younger. "I fought like a wildcat! He didn't get me. Not…not much." She frowned, looking unsettled.
Connie didn't want them to dwell on their trauma but immerse in the fact they were free. They'd broken away from the past and now had a new reality—if they realized that fully maybe they'd start to heal. They couldn't do that if they felt in limbo or they were trapped or potentially going back to that horror…. They needed to have a buffer between it and them before they could deal with it.
"Are you from Zelise?"
She shook her head. "Usually we are closer to Rakima… can you take us back to our Mama?"
"What's your mom's name?"
"Karima. We don't have a papa anymore. But we live with our aunt Leida and our grandmama and grandpapa and lots of other people. They are looking for us. We need to go back home."
"I'll do whatever I can to get you home."
"What was that?" said Jason, glancing back. "That name sounded familiar…. Karima?"
"Yes," said the older girl. "That's our mama."
"Your cousins are Zara, Stefan, and Luna?"
"That's right!" She leaped up and stepped over to Jason, grasping the back of his seat. "You know them?"
Jason nodded. "I knew your family when I was here many years ago. Before Luna was born." Sorrow shadowed his face; he was probably thinking of Luna, who was still lost.
"So that's why you found us! You were looking for us. Mama sent you."
"Well… yes. We were looking for you. We were looking for all of you." He glanced back at them. "I'm happy I could finally find you. That I can get you somewhere safe—where no one will take you away again."
"I'm Vera, that's Rani." She gestured to her sister then sat back down next to her.
"I'm Hannah," said the twelve-year-old girl. "This is Jon." She tapped the little boy's head lightly. "That's Rick." She gestured to the boy in Connie's arms. "And this is Eva." She gestured to the little blond girl beside her. Then she gave a rather concerned glance to the boy and girl diagonal to her. "I never got their names. I hardly saw them… they usually hid when he wasn't…." She bit her lip, swept her hair back, and looked away, her eyes haunted.
Connie wanted to distract her, divert her thoughts. "We're going somewhere safe. Where no one will hurt you. After that, we can take you home, if that's what you want."
"I don't… I can't go back there."
"You don't have someone who can take care of you?"
She shook her head, her blue eyes wide. "Please don't take me back. I ran away. It… I was hungry all the time. But it was better than at home. Ever since Mama died, Papa… he hits me. He gets drunk and he gets mad at me because he blames me. Maybe it is my fault."
"Hey—it's not your fault."
"B-but—my mom ran away and then she got hit by a car. Papa says it's because she couldn't stand being around me."
Connie touched Hannah's shoulder lightly. "That's horrible. I can't imagine not wanting to be around you."
Hannah looked startled, disbelieving. Then her eyes filled with tears. "Everyone hates me. I mess up everything."
"That's not true. Look what you've done for these kids. Look how much they love you and trust you. You helped them come out to safety. You were there for them—you cared for them and gave them love when they needed it."
"But I couldn't protect them—I couldn't save them when—I tried, but he just…" Tears dripped down her freckled cheeks.
"That's not your fault either. It's his fault. You're just a kid—you couldn't fight him off. But you did what you could. Gave them something they needed, someone to help them feel better, in a place no kid should ever be." Connie squeezed her shoulder lightly.
Hannah gathered the two kids next to her and hugged them. They wrapped their little arms around her; the little girl, Eva, kissed her cheek and the little boy leaned his cheek on hers, heedless of the tears. "I wish – I would've given myself…to save them…but I couldn't even do that…."
"I'm… so sorry." Connie's voice broke. Tears welled up in her eyes. She slid her arm carefully around Hannah's back, sensitive to any reaction, but Hannah leaned closer and Connie wrapped her arm around her opposite shoulder. She leaned her temple against the girl's, still holding the little boy, Rick, who stayed fast asleep.
Silent tears streaked down Hannah's face but then they subsided as she cuddled the younger kids and sang them a lullaby. Soon little Eva was asleep. Hannah leaned her head back against the side of the van, looking exhausted.
Connie hoped Hannah wouldn't be separated from the other kids for long when she was treated. They needed her, and she needed them. And she definitely shouldn't go back to her abusive father… how heartbreaking to go through that then be snatched up on the street. She was such a sweet girl and it made Connie's heart ache to think she thought she deserved what happened to her.
"We won't take you back," she said softly. "Don't worry. We're taking you to somewhere people will take care of you."
"Where?"
"An orphanage."
"I don't want to go there! Bad things happen at orphanages."
"Well, this one is different. It's not like the ones in Zelise. Jason and I visited it yesterday. It has wonderful rooms, toys, things to do—and guess what. Every month, a truck comes and brings toys for everyone!"
Hannah's eyes lit up, but she still looked guarded. "And no kids disappear?"
Connie shook her head. "No kids disappear. They get all the toys and food they want."
"That sounds… too good to be true."
"I suppose it does. But I saw it with my own eyes. All the kids were safe. Some of the kids actually helped us find you! They came from Zelise, and they mentioned the blond man with the scar. Then the police followed him, and then we found you."
"Some came from Zelise?" said the little girl in the far corner. Connie was startled that she'd decided to speak.
Connie nodded.
The girl's eyes widened and she inched a little closer, her arms still locked around her knees. "Did you—did you see my sister there? Please, please tell me she wasn't taken too."
"What's your sister's name?"
"Tanya."
"Hm… What does she look like?"
"She looks like me, but smaller. She's only seven."
"Tanya…" A vibrant image sparked in Connie's mind. "Yes, I remember her! Come to think of it, she does look quite a bit like you. She's one of the first kids we met there. She had a little horse toy that I fixed."
The girl's eyes brightened. "She loves horses! Oh—" She hugged her knees and swayed, nesting her head on her legs again. When she looked up, her face glistened with tears. But happiness shone over the shadows in her eyes. "I can't wait to see her. You will bring us right there?"
Connie nodded. "You will have to go to the hospital for a little bit. But you will stay at the orphanage until they can find homes for you."
"Home…" The girl looked away wistfully. "We used to have a home. Tanya still thinks…" Her voice caught. "Tanya thinks… our mama and papa can come back." She closed her eyes, tears flooding her cheeks. Connie reached out to her, and to her surprise, the girl crawled over and huddled in her arms. Connie held her close as silent sobs shook her body. It struck her that the kids had probably learned to cry silently or they'd be punished… She opened her hand, palm up, and the girl laid her hand in hers and then laced her fingers in hers…. She snuggled close to little Rick; he didn't wake up but unconsciously cuddled closer to her in his dreams.
Connie tried to remember what Tanya had said her sister's name was but couldn't. "What's your name?"
"Wilhelmina. Mina for short."
"Tanya will be so happy to see you, Mina."
"I'm so happy she's not… that the bad men didn't take her…." She took a deep breath. Connie kissed the top of her head, happy she could give soothing touch to these kids. That she could do something, no matter how small… but it probably meant a lot after what they'd been through. They weren't so traumatized they couldn't be touched… except that boy across from her perhaps, who was hunched over, facing toward the back of the van. Mina had stopped trembling but she was so thin…. Connie wanted to give her give her every possible good thing. At least she could be reunited with her sister…. But these kids still needed so much more… If only we could adopt all of them! But it's probably best they stay in Muldavia…. As long as they're in a good home. I would take them if there was no better option. I don't think Jason would object much….
"Hey—where do you want to go for lunch?" asked Jason, looking back.
"I want to go to Zippy's," said Livi and Sari together.
"Where's that?"
"You can drive through!" said Livi. "They are all over."
"That sounds like a good place."
"It's the best!" the twins said in unison.
"I think we'll go there. Unless anyone has any objections."
"I'm so hungry," said Jon, the little boy cuddled next to Hannah.
"Food?" said Rick, stirring in Connie's arms. He looked up at her with earnest blue eyes.
"We'll get you some food." She kissed his forehead softly.
After driving into Rakima, they went through the drive thru and Jason ordered kids' meals for all the kids and regular meals for Tatiana, Connie and himself. Connie tried to slow them down a bit to be safe, but most ate voraciously. It took some coaxing for the red-haired boy to take any food, but when he saw the other kids enjoying theirs, he burrowed into his burger and fries. After he ate, he seemed to brighten up and look less miserable. She was able to learn his name, Daniel, although he withdrew after he gave it and she didn't learn any other details about him.
The kids had barely finished eating when they pulled up behind the orphanage. A young woman, Kim, and her team met them. She was from a child welfare organization which helped at-risk kids in Rakima. "It would be nice to have a group that's specifically for human trafficking victims," she said as they stood on the sidewalk. "But we're the best they have right now."
"Sounds like a gap that needs to be filled," said Jason.
"Human trafficking victims don't have a lot of support in many places," said Kim. "They just get thrown back out into the world—then they're vulnerable to being re-trafficked."
"I think it's like that in America too. I wonder if there's a way I can do something about it…."
They brought the kids in, showed them their new rooms, introduced them to some of the staff, who were very attentive and gentle. Mina was reunited with Tanya—who nearly knocked her over when running to hug her. But Mina didn't seem to mind—her face beamed with joy.
It was pretty much impossible to separate the newly reunited sisters, and Kim felt it would do more harm than good, so Tanya was allowed to come along to the hospital, her toy horse clutched in one hand. Kim and her team took the kids out to her repurposed school bus and Connie and Jason helped them get settled in. Some of them seemed anxious—Connie didn't blame them since this was a lot of moving from one place to the next. She did her best to reassure them they were in good hands and they'd come back to the orphanage. Rick clung to her and didn't want to let go. But Hannah gently extricated him from Connie's arms and cradled him, little Eva on the seat beside her. Daniel sat with Jon and Livi and Sari sat beside each other, holding each other close, and so did Rani and Vera. As horrible it was that they'd gone through this together, at least they had each other. And they'd stay at a good place.
Connie hated to leave them but Kim told her she'd take good care of them and Connie didn't doubt it. She stepped out of the bus reluctantly while Jason explained to Tatiana he'd call someone who he hoped would be able to take her in. Then he stepped out and the bus pulled away from the curb.
Hannah waved; Connie waved back. She fought tears. They spilled over her cheeks as soon as the bus disappeared, her heart aching.
"We'll come back," Jason said. "We'll check up on them."
She sniffed, wiped her cheeks. "At least we know—they're safe now." She shoved down any reservations—if Ali was doing anything underhanded, it was the staff that took care of the kids anyway; he wasn't involved with the daily operations much. The kids there were too happy for anything bad to be going on. But all the same, it made her feel better to be able to go back and see them again.
"I wish there was more we could do…" she said.
"Like what?"
"Well…. there isn't much support after they get rescued …"
"It seems like this orphanage does pretty well."
"Yeah…but there are others here, and in the US….. so many…. I –"
"I know. It's too much. I want to be able to do so much more…. I'll bring it up with Roderick. And maybe we can…figure out something once we're back in Odyssey."
"What about—" She took in a breath. It was a drastic step…. Probably not realistic. "What about—adopting some of them?"
"That's crossed my mind. I want to help them, but I want what's best for them."
She pursed her lips. "Maybe it is better they don't get taken from their country… it would be hard for them to move to somewhere different… a lot of stress. It'd be easier to be adopted here. But if they don't find a good home…."
"It's true, the older ones have less of a chance."
"Like Hannah."
"And Tatiana."
"The little ones will probably get snatched up. And some of them have a family, like Vera and Rani, Livi and Sari. Daniel though…and Mina and Tanya…"
"They've got more trauma too. It'll be better for them to grow up in a stable home after all they went through. If it's just an orphanage or foster home…."
"They might… have more problems."
He nodded.
Something nudged her mind, then a lightning bolt shot through it. She grabbed his arm. "Jason. What about Nika? She's only fifteen. Maybe…. Maybe we should adopt her."
His eyes lit up. "We could care for her and the baby until she was able to live on her own. She might need a couple more years to get on her feet."
"If she wants to keep the baby. Otherwise… we could just adopt her. Someone already wants her baby… but… since she's a teenager…."
"Not many will want someone like her… to deal with the issues she'll have…"
"I want the baby… but if someone already wants her…."
"Nika could come to the US, get an education, then come back if she wanted. Start a new life."
Connie nodded, her heart flipping over at the phrase 'a new life'. But it had positive connotations now.
"We can at least bring it up to her. She can decide if it's what she wants."
Jason called Sonya, who said she was with Nika at the clinic getting an ultrasound, but she'd be home shortly. Sonya and Nika didn't mind if they dropped by that afternoon.
So they drove over to the women's shelter near the edge of Rakima. Sonya met them at the door and told them it would be best if they stayed outside because the girls were in the middle of setting up for Ana's seventeenth birthday party.
"I hope she's doing well enough to celebrate later," said Sonya, looking concerned. She looked back toward the door, shoving her hand into her short gray curls. "She had a…panic attack earlier. So she's resting upstairs. We're trying to set up quietly…not always easy with ten girls in a house. It'll be a surprise… but it'll also be okay if she's not up to coming down today. We might just have to bring her some cake later…"
"We certainly don't want to disturb her," said Jason, "but we've got some good news for when she's feeling better."
"What is it?"
"Markov has agreed to send her an agent mentor. Well, first she'll have to take an aptitude test."
"That is good news. I hope this isn't… a big step back in her recovery…."
"She might have to take it slow. But this news might help her see a way forward."
"I hope so. In any case, Nika's doing better." Sonya smiled, the expression chasing away some of the evidence of her concern for Ana.
"So… she's happy about the baby?" said Connie.
"More than happy. It's like—everything's coming together. Well—I'll let her tell you herself." A shadow crossed her face as she turned to go back inside to get Nika. Connie wondered what it meant.
Jason retreated a little to give Nika space; he tried to see through the cracks of the fence for the dog, but apparently she was inside. So he wandered around the front yard. Connie wished he could be closer, but agreed it was probably better to be on the safe side.
A few minutes later, the door opened and Nika stepped out. She was beaming. "Connie!" she said. "I have—so much to tell you!"
They embraced then sat down on the porch swing. Nika rested her hand comfortably on her stomach, her frilly purple shirt proudly displaying her pregnancy, a far cry from when Connie had first seen her in the bulky sweatshirt.
A breeze blew past, bringing with it a hint of chill, making the flower baskets sway, the pink flowers trembling. Connie shivered. "So…you went to get an ultrasound?"
Nika nodded. "It's great news! The baby is healthy. He's growing normally—he—" Her voice caught. "I saw him. For the first time. It's a boy—but that's not what matters. He's mine. My little baby, right here—" She caressed her stomach. "He's so, so beautiful." Tears streaked down her cheeks.
Connie's throat tightened. She'd barely seen her little boy… oh, she ached for him… but at the same time, joy spilled through her at Nika's happiness.
"Do you want to see? They gave me a picture."
Connie nodded. Nika withdrew a picture from her pocket; it was a little crumpled, but she smoothed it out. "There he is," said Nika.
Connie took the picture, looked at the blurry image. It was hard to make out much of a shape… but there. She could see the curve of a spine, a blob-like shape that was a little head…. If it made it more real just to see this picture, imagine how much Nika would love her baby once she saw him!
"He is beautiful," said Connie, feeling honored to share this moment with her. She handed the picture back and Nika clutched it as if it were a precious treasure.
"It's all so fast… I don't hardly know what to do with these feelings. I love him—Connie, I love him. I…wasn't prepared for that." Fresh tears trickled over her cheeks.
Connie slid her arm gently around Nika's shoulders and Nika leaned against her. "I want to name him. I want to take care of him. I want to…be there for him. I…don't want to let him go. I don't think I can! How can I just… forget about him when he's….already so much a part of me." She looked down at the picture over her stomach in awe.
Feelings clutched at Connie, threatening to overwhelm her. All of the love she'd felt for little Jeremiah came flooding back… along with the indescribable pain that ripped through her heart. She struggled to hold back the tears, to stay in the present for Nika's sake. Nika didn't need to deal with someone else's volatile emotions….
Connie's fingernails dug into her palms, the external pain grounding her. "So… you're… thinking of keeping him?"
Nika nodded, looking surprised at herself. "Where would all this love go, if I left him? It would still be there, and he'd be somewhere safe… but I'd be alone and…" She shook her head. "You were right. Having him…. It's making it better. It's not a…reminder. It's something good. Something I can see and I can touch and… I'll be able to hold…." Tears streamed down her cheeks.
Connie fought back her own tears, but they spilled out of her eyes just the same. Nika clasped Connie's hand. "Thank you. You helped me…start to see it could be a good thing. And now…." She bit her lip. "I want what's best for him. I want to be a good mom—and that might mean leaving him. As much as that would—hurt. It's better for him to grow up in a good place and I might not be able to give him that. But… I might not have to make that choice. Something else wonderful— I hope you don't mind."
Connie managed a smile, the tears blurring the green lawn and the white porch railing. "If it's wonderful, I definitely won't mind."
"I met the people who wanted to adopt my baby. Sonya even drove me out to their place. It's in the country. They raise goats. They have cats and a small white dog and a little pony… and it's beautiful. A perfect place for him to grow up in. I fell in love with it—made me so happy I could leave him somewhere he felt safe. And then—they dropped a bombshell on me. A good one." She gave a lopsided smile. "They said—I can hardly believe so much good after… it's like a dream. They said…" Her voice caught and she looked away, fighting tears, though her eyes were full of incredulous joy. "They wanted me too! They said—they'd adopt me. They already felt like family…. It felt so right… I pretty much agreed. It was so much I couldn't believe it ….I wasn't totally sure I wanted to keep him until I saw him. As long as we can both be together, somewhere safe… I think he needs me. I need him."
Connie fought back tears, fighting the horrible feeling of disappointment, all of her plans disappearing. This was good. This was best. She wasn't doing this for herself—she was doing it for Nika and her little boy.
Her little boy.
Connie's heart tore apart into agonizing shards. But she had to forge forward for Nika's sake. "That's wonderful. You'll have each other—you'll get to be his mom."
"You don't mind?"
Connie shook her head, trying to shove down any disappointment in her expression. "I want what's best for you and your baby. That's the only thing that matters. If you—" She didn't want to let Nika know that she'd been thinking of adopting her too—wanted to make a clean break. "If you gave him up to us… you'd probably never see him again. I think… if you can take care of him, if he has a good home, it's best if you don't get torn apart."
Nika nodded. "He's mine. My own…." She touched her stomach gently. "I can't wait… to get to hold him… and know I'll never have to let him go."
Connie remembered that time… aching to be able to hold her baby. But she'd had to let him go… before being able to hold him in her arms….
A knife stabbed her heart, twisted. She grasped the armrest of the swing to avoid damaging her palms any further.
"Are you all right?" said Nika, alarm in her voice.
Connie dragged herself back out of her fugue of pain. "I—" Perhaps it was best not to lie and pretend she was okay. "It's just… I'm remembering that time. With…Jeremiah. How much I wanted to hold him…."
"Oh." Nika's face fell. "I'm sorry. I wish… maybe he should go with you—"
Connie laid her hand on Nika's shoulder. "No. Don't do this for me. It's for your son. It's for you. This…" Her throat hitched. "This is the best thing." She squeezed Nika's shoulder gently. Communicating how earnest she was. It was the right thing for Nika to not be torn from her baby—how could Connie dare to come between them? How could she be the cause of tearing them apart when Nika wanted him? She knew what that kind of loss could do to you.
"I just don't want you to… I know how much you miss your baby."
"I'm so, so happy, Nika, that you're keeping him. There are so many babies who don't have a home. Who need to be adopted. I'll fill that gap with something else."
"Maybe… I shouldn't have been so quick to foist him off on someone else… I was just panicking so much…"
"Hey, it's hard. After everything you went through… to have to know what to do with a baby? I can't imagine that pressure. But now—you've found a way, you've found a place—"
"And I've found love." She smiled. "I never thought I'd feel like this for anyone… especially after… what I felt before. About him. I was so scared… but now, I only feel… just a little scared but mostly happy and excited and—it's too much but it's not enough because I don't have him yet, here in my arms…." She cradled an imaginary baby. "And they said they'd take me soon so I can get adjusted to the place…I'm nervous about that, because I have to leave here. But it'll be good to get out of the city… have a room ready for us when…. Wow. I'm nervous about that too. Having the baby. But afterwards, I'll get to see what he looks like, I'll touch him and kiss him…. no matter what he looks like he'll be amazing. And I need to think of names! So many things to do… I'm glad I did this. Saw the ultrasound. Because now… I can really prepare for it. Not—be in denial. I have something to look forward to! I'm not used to that, either." She looked away, shadows in her eyes, perhaps the horrific images she'd seen emblazoned on her mind Connie wished she could erase.
"Have you come up with any names yet?" said Connie, her heart still clenched in a burning ache.
"I'm not sure. I…. haven't thought of boy names. As horrible as it is, I didn't want a boy until I saw him, then all that dread just melted away. He won't be…. Anything like… any of them. Maybe… Oh, I don't want to impose."
"What do you mean?"
"Well…. I do kind of like the name Jeremiah… if I could name it in honor of him…. but if that's too… if you'd rather I didn't, I won't."
Connie's first reaction was revulsion but then she thought, What. Deny this girl something just because I was denied it? She deserves the world. "Of course. I would be honored. So would he."
"I'm not sure yet… but is it okay if I let you know?"
"That would be great. I'd love any updates—as long as you're okay with it."
"You've helped me so much—I don't want to lose touch with you. Even though… we're not going to be family."
"You'll have an amazing family. I'm so happy you got adopted too! It's like—like you said, a dream come true. He'll have land to run around on—maybe even ride the pony!"
"They said they'll spare no expense… I really don't feel like I deserve it, but he does."
"Oh—Nika. You deserve it. You deserve all the beautiful, wonderful things you can get. Especially that little baby growing inside you. You're already helping him grow strong and healthy. He already loves you."
"You think so?"
Connie nodded. "And he knows you love him. Even if you gave him up for adoption—he'd know that. You want what's best for him. Even if it meant giving him up. But now you don't have to and it's the absolute best of both worlds."
Nika nodded. "Better than I could've ever imagined five months ago…." Her face shadowed again and Connie felt guilty for wallowing in her own pain—it was nothing compared to what Nika had endured. This baby would help her heal…. "The horrible thing is, I was the only one rescued…. The others—they're still—" Horror struck through her dark eyes. "Natasha and me were so close in there. I was helping her—it was getting hard. She was so far along and they—they wouldn't stop. Wouldn't let her rest even when she was so close to having the baby. And then—I got sick and they left me. They took Natasha. I never knew if she… if she had the baby. What happened to her. I wish I didn't have to think about the past ever again but I can't help it when I know—they're still out there—" Her voice shook and she hunched over, her head in her hand.
"Hey." Connie rubbed her back gently. "I… we're looking for them. We're trying to find them. We just found some kids today… so maybe we'll find Natasha soon." She hoped against hope that were true. Wanted to help so much—felt so inadequate. Because she couldn't promise anything. There were so many lost. Only so much she could do.
"You found some kids?" She looked at Connie, guarded hope in her eyes.
"In Zelise. We took them to an orphanage."
"I hope you find Natasha… and the others. I have nightmares about them and I can't get to them…. And they're being tortured…." She closed her eyes, anguished.
"What you gave us helped, you know. We're looking into that courier. And—" She didn't want to go deeper into that if Nika didn't want to.
"What else?"
"We're looking into the drug angle. Well, someone Jason knows is. We haven't heard anything yet, but she's a reporter, so hopefully she'll dig up something soon…."
"You wouldn't mind… letting me know? If you find out anything?"
"Sure."
"And I'll keep you updated about the baby. My baby…." Rapture flooded over her face again, chasing away the shadows.
After saying goodbye, Nika went back inside to help with Ana's birthday party. Sonya came back out and let them know that even though they wouldn't be adopting Nika's baby, their general adoption papers had been approved, so they could adopt someone else from Muldavia if they wanted.
Connie headed back to the car with Jason, her mind swirling with the possibilities. Perhaps even though they weren't adopting Nika's baby—and it was ridiculous to hold a claim on anyone else's baby, especially before the mother had decided—God had used this to open the door to adopt another child. There were so many who needed help, after all. But how could she choose just one or two?
As she climbed into the car, the name she'd discussed with Jason hit her.
Jessica.
She sat down in the passenger's seat and leaned her forehead in her palms. If they adopted some older kids, she wasn't about to change their names just because it was a name she liked. So…had thinking of the name meant nothing? It seemed to just come to her out of the blue…. As if it did belong to someone that would be important to her…
Her heart ached. The hollowness in her chest spread, darkness shrouding her heart.
A hand on her back. "Are you okay?"
Connie nodded, forced herself to sit back up. It wasn't that big of a deal. She shouldn't have gotten her hopes up. No one owed her their baby just because she'd lost one.
"It's the adoption, isn't it."
Connie nodded, not quite trusting herself to speak.
"I'm sorry, it—didn't turn out like we wanted."
"It's what Nika wanted. That's all that matters."
"We can still adopt… perhaps when this craziness is over. At least we know we're over the first hurdle."
"Mm-hm," she said absently. "It's just that—I was expecting something when I had no right to. You're right, I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I had a name picked out and everything."
"Jessica."
Her heart leaped—at the name, said in his voice.
"I had Nika's baby named already. But it wasn't even a girl—so I was wrong there too. Maybe it all means nothing. It's just that… I kind of fell in love with the name. I could see the little girl in my mind, too. It was just my imagination running away with me, though."
"Well—if we adopt a baby—"
"But so many kids need to be adopted—it'd probably be better if we adopt an older kid who has less of a chance. Who would have more of a chance if we took them to America. And it's better if we can adopt two."
"We could name one of them Jessica."
"But it'd be unfair to take away their name!"
He nodded. "That wouldn't be fair. Perhaps if they don't have a middle name…" He frowned.
Middle names hardly counted anyway. It would probably be better not to use the name at all than to just stuff it into the middle of someone's name just for the fun of it. Besides…. A Whittaker baby should have a J name…. if they weren't adopted and didn't already have a name, that is.
"Or it could be—" He stopped.
"Could be—what?" But there was only one other possibility. That it was… her own baby. If she had one. Her heart shuddered.
All of this had brought back more of those feelings… the aching emptiness…. Am I really ready to go through that again?
For Jessica.
Another baby I might only meet in heaven….
No. I'm not losing another. But I might not have control over it… and I might not have control over whether I have a baby again. Maybe… I was only ever going to have one. Maybe the doctor is wrong and there is something wrong with me…
We could… try again.
Her heart flipped over. Dare I-?
It's in God's hands.
Maybe we'll have a baby—and maybe we won't. But at least we'll be together, fully, the way we were meant to be.
She looked over at him and he gave her a marvelous smile that struck joy into her heart. And deep longing.
My Jason. "I love you."
He reached toward her, and her heart thumped hard. He was so beautiful—she never wanted to leave him.
Jason's phone rang. He withdrew his hand just as it was about to brush her cheek. Lifted the phone to show "Dad" across the top.
"If it wasn't Dad—I wouldn't take this." He answered the call.