tw: mentions of skin picking
"Jay take care of you last night?"
Hailey closed her eyes at Kevin's voice before turning from her computer to face him as he entered the bullpen.
Jay had kept trying to hold her hand throughout the night. She had no desire to touch him or acknowledge his presence in bed after he'd commented that he needed beer much like her dad had said around twenty years before. The memory of her father had haunted her all night long. She did not want to ever associate Jay with him, which meant she needed to keep her distance while the memory was fresh. Eventually, though, she'd grown tired of fighting Jay's attempts at reaching for her, so she feigned sleep and let him grab her hand.
It hadn't exactly been comforting.
Certainly not the comfort Kevin had assumed she'd receive upon getting home the night before.
"No," she answered honestly, "We, uh, we kinda got in a fight."
Kevin stopped from slipping his coat off and said, "You two got in a fight? Everything okay?"
Hailey shook her head and chewed the inside of her cheek.
"Okay," Kevin said softly as he walked around the desks. He pulled Adam's chair out and sat next to her. "You wanna talk about it?"
Her mind told her no. She wanted to keep Jay and her life outside of the district separate from work. That's how her life had been for a while now. She needed to keep everything separate to avoid issues – especially things that involved Jay. It was always better to keep her love for him out of the bullpen.
However, her gut told her that she did want to talk about it. Keeping Jay and her feelings for him out of the bullpen had proven to be extremely difficult. That wasn't even mentioning the fact that she'd been trying to talk to her friends and lean on them even more over the past month. She knew they were good for her, and she couldn't just ignore them when they were so willing to help her out.
"He's been acting weird," she replied quietly, "I get that he's trying to heal and get better, but he doesn't really talk much at home. He doesn't ask me about work. Isn't that…shouldn't he? I thought that's what couples do who don't work together."
Kevin laughed slightly and shook his head. "Maybe," he said, "I mean…yeah, usually couples who don't spend every second of their day together do talk about what they did and that usually involves work. Have you asked him why?"
"No, I didn't really know how. I probably could have last night had he not decided to drink," she explained.
Kevin raised an eyebrow and asked, "Jay's cleared to drink again?"
"And he was all too excited to do so," Hailey sighed, "To quote him, 'I need a damn beer, Hailey,' so…" She trailed off and shrugged, looking down to pick at her raw nails.
Kevin let out a breath. "Wow."
"Yeah," Hailey hummed.
The backs of her eyes stung with tears that she'd been convinced she'd cried out the night before, but she fought against them and refused to cry at work. She could get through today and then go cry in the parking lot of a fast food restaurant while eating crappy soft serve. It's what got her through almost the entire month of November when she wasn't at work.
She rubbed the back of her hand over her eyes then cleared her throat.
"It's probably hard for him to see you go to a job he used to love so much," Kevin said, "Don't you think?"
Hailey nodded and sniffled. "But it still sucks. I come home every day to nothing but some meal he's pulled together or a take-out menu. I didn't think it'd be easy, but I didn't think it'd be this hard either. I almost wish we were still in the hospital. When we were there, we could at least connect. It's just too damn painful here."
Kevin frowned before wrapping an arm around her shoulder and hugging her to his side. "I'm real sorry, Hail," he said quietly, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone."
She nodded and leaned into him. She tried focusing on his thumb rubbing small circles over her shoulder, but all she could think about was the way Jay's thumb had done the exact same thing over her wrist when he'd thought she was sleeping.
If she could, she thought she would go back to their big conversation on the couch the week before and continue pushing forward. They'd ended because it felt like enough of the air had been cleared, but that definitely was not the case. While they'd agreed that she'd go back to work, they'd yet to actually touch Jay's feelings around that. She knew he didn't want to hold her back, but she didn't know much else about how he'd felt.
Kevin was right. There had to be something within Jay that was in pain because of her being at the place he'd once spent day in and day out at. He'd given his blood, sweat, and tears to this place, and then left it. He'd needed to leave to find who he was in an environment that taught him about black and white. The grey area of the police force had gotten too cloudy for him. He had needed to step away, but that didn't mean he was completely okay with her staying.
It was her life, but he had to sit by and watch it happen without him. She knew he knew that she also had struggled with the grey area of the job, but she'd stuck around where he hadn't. She'd also needed to take a step back and went to the FBI for a few weeks to get her head back on straight. However, she'd returned to the job. She came back to her desk in Intelligence.
Jay was not going to come back no matter how much he might have wanted to.
He could have learned everything she had about rules and lines, but he could not put his new knowledge to the test – or, rather, his return to his roots to the test. There was a stark difference in their journeys to become better police. It had nothing to do with the length of their new jobs or where they took place. The unfortunate, obvious difference was that Hailey could work after her leave of absence; Jay could not.
He was hurting not just for what had happened in Bolivia or back in Chicago, but because he couldn't move forward from it. He was trying to mask his fears and sadness with alcohol, and, instead of pissing her off, it just made her want to cry.
She couldn't though. She did not want to just accept it with tears on her pillow.
Jay had not actually become like her father and had not decided to rely on beer or whiskey to get through the day or his overwhelming thoughts. He'd just toyed with the idea. He'd admitted to her what had happened before he could fall too deep. In a way, she could take that as him asking for help.
She knew he didn't want to head down that path again, and she knew that he was going to need support to avoid doing so. She could be that support. She was that support.
That was one day with four beers. It was not ideal and definitely not perfect, but it was one day.
They could survive one day.
Hailey gave herself another minute in Kevin's hug before wiping her eyes and returning to her desk. There was no good in crying right now when she had paperwork to wrap up.
Only she couldn't get Jay off her mind.
She started worrying within half an hour about what he was doing. She didn't know if he was actually going to answer the call she'd tried setting up with his therapist. She didn't know if he'd drink the rest of the beer he'd bought. She didn't know if he'd even get out of bed.
Regret and guilt set in by lunch. She wanted to run home and dump out all the bottles of wine, whiskey, beer, and even tequila just in case Jay decided to reach for something to heal the wound that was eating away at him. She couldn't believe that she'd just left that morning without actually checking in with him about everything that had happened the night before. She'd kissed his cheek, pointed out the note she'd left on the island with the information about his last minute appointment with his therapist, and walked out the door. There was so much she should have done.
Again, she felt sick.
She sat in the break room between Dante and Kim and was suddenly too hot. She pushed her cup of soup in front of her and shakily stood from the table.
"You good?" Adam asked.
Shaking her head, she pulled at the neckline of her shirt in a small attempt to feel the cool air against her skin.
"Hey, you need some water?" Kim offered, holding up her own water bottle.
Hailey grabbed it and immediately started chugging it before the nausea could take over. It was enough to get the cool sweat to pause on the back of her neck, but not enough to make her want to sit back down.
Jay was at home doing god knows what, and she was here at work trying not to throw up. It felt like they were both in the wrong place.
She was out of the break room and heading down to the locker room before anyone else could ask how she was doing. Her heart and lungs felt like they could crack out of her chest. The second she was on her own, she was yanking her shirt from her and throwing it on the tiled floor.
Her stomach churned, and the only way she could get it to stop was to sit on the bench and stick her head in her hands.
Jay was at home, and she was here. Jay was possibly drinking, and she was fighting off vomit. None of it should have been happening.
Hailey heard the door close behind her, but didn't bother to look up. Instead, she waited for the bench to rock slightly as whoever it was settled next to her and set her shirt between them.
"Kev said Jay was going through some stuff last night, so I figured I'd try my hand at the pep talk. Want me to kick his ass?"
Hailey smiled slightly and looked up at Kim. "You're gonna kick Jay's ass?"
"He's not that big," Kim replied, "And he's down to one arm, right? I'm strong."
Hailey laughed slightly and pressed her palms into her eyes. "Thanks," she said quietly, "But please don't beat up my husband."
"Worth a shot," Kim said. She smiled then stood up to open her own locker. Tossing Hailey a t-shirt, she said, "It's a looser one, hopefully will you get you some more air. Mind if I take a look at that bruise on your back first?"
Hailey's eyes widened as she straightened up. "It bruised?"
"Yeah, mostly on your shoulder, but looks like there's some on your side maybe from your badge digging into your hip when you fell. I'll get you some ice." Kim walked over to the first aid cabinet and pulled out a few instant ice packs.
Hailey shook her head to herself and walked over to the mirror. Turning slightly to look at her back, she sighed and said, "I had no idea. So stupid."
"You're not stupid," Kim replied as she returned while shaking the ice pack. She passed it over and said, "Want to tell me why it wasn't taken care of, though? I would have thought Jay would have jumped at the chance to take care of you for once."
Hailey couldn't help but roll her eyes while sitting down and placing the ice to her shoulder. "You'd think, but he was more interested in drinking last night."
"Seriously?" Kim sat behind her and gently pushed her hair to the side to brush her fingers along the purpling bruise on Hailey's skin. She winced and said, "Isn't this bothering you?"
"Definitely not pleasant," Hailey sighed.
Kim hummed and stood up. "Well, with Jay, did he really just drink the whole time? What're you talking about?"
Hailey pulled her legs up on the bench underneath her and said, "Not really. He just…he had two beers earlier in the day and then told me he needed more at dinner. I know four isn't a lot, but it was the way he was going about it. It made me uncomfortable and it…it, uh, it reminded me of my dad." She glanced down at her hands and picked at the raw skin around her nails. "It bothered me," she mumbled, "Why'd he have to do it?"
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Kim frown.
Who the he she was talking about was, she wasn't quite sure herself.
Why'd Jay need the alcohol yesterday? It was one thing to crave a beer after a long day, but to need one? To then drink one that'd been meant for her? It pissed her off as much as it upset her. While she knew his dad hadn't been an alcoholic and had not drank like her own just to then raise his fists to his family, she knew his dad was no stranger to an afternoon beer or a glass of whiskey after work. She knew he knew the way alcohol could damage relationships. It wasn't fair that he'd slip into that trap.
On the other hand, why did her dad have to drink? Why couldn't he be like other dads, like Jay's own, and just have one beer a night? Even then, why did it have to be every night? He could have dealt with his stress through working out or simply disassociating by watching TV. He didn't have to come home from a normal night out with his friends and then continue drinking. There was no reason for him to ever hurt his family. He did more than just traumatize them all: he destroyed them. He ripped his family apart.
She couldn't stand thinking that Jay could do the same thing.
Then again, hadn't he already ripped apart their family? He'd left her without consulting her to go off to Bolivia for months on end. He planned on staying for more than eight months…also without consulting her. He broke her trust in him. She didn't know if she could have kids with him or even buy a house with him now because of what he'd done. How was that a family? They were supposed to have a future together, but, now, all she was worried about was keeping him in Chicago and sober.
That wasn't what her marriage with Jay was supposed to be.
Her stomach again twisted in distress, and she groaned in response. Pulling her knees further up to her chest, she rested her forehead on them and prayed for it to stop.
"Hailey," Kim said gently.
Hailey felt the bench move just slightly as Kim sat next to her again, but didn't bother looking up. Instead, she continued breathing in slowly to ease the burning in her gut.
"Hailey, did you two talk at all?" Kim continued quietly, "Do you know why he did it or what was going through his mind? Maybe that could help you process it all yourself."
Hailey sniffled and shrugged.
She mostly talked. She told Jay she was disappointed and upset. She brought up Mouse. She told him she was making him an additional therapy appointment and then did just that this morning before leaving for work.
Jay apologized.
She'd also cried, and he knew that. It could have been a pity thing.
Not to mention he'd tried holding her hand while in bed. It was all an attempt at moving forward, and she just couldn't do it.
Bolivia was one thing. Eight months plus more was another. Getting hurt and healing was something else. The lying was big. The alcohol…the alcohol almost felt unforgiveable.
He'd taken something he'd known she hated about her childhood and, in one simple sentence, threw it back in her face by doing that exact same thing. It'd been a gut instinct to say it, she knew that, but that almost made it worse. It had been sitting at the tip of his tongue, and she'd drawn it out by arguing with him over the beer. She hated that.
She hated how he made her feel.
It wasn't just the physical illness that had swept over her, but the constant confusion on how exactly she was going to make her marriage work. More than anything, she wanted to be married to Jay for as long as she could remember. A future with him felt like the perfect storybook ending to her life. Instead, it had become some sort of lengthy villain origin novel.
Yet who the villain was here was the big question.
Was it her for letting all of this happen to Jay? For letting him become so lost in himself that no one recognized her anymore?
Or was it Jay for simply falling into yet another rabbit hole? For making decisions that deeply hurt the people who cared for him?
Then again, it could have been Voight for even putting their marriage in this position, but she refused to let Voight become a main character in her story.
Her story was hers and hers alone.
Jay was here. Jay was a main character. There was absolutely no denying that.
But her story and her journey to healing herself from the nightmares of her childhood needed to rely on her alone. She was the only person who was strong enough to take a step forward in life and tackle the problems that scarred her.
Jay meant everything to her, but he didn't need to be everything she was.
Hailey Upton was her own person.
She'd always refused to let a man, or anyone else for that matter, control her life. Being married was not going to change that. While she needed to figure out her new relationship with Jay and how they were going to move forward in their lives together, she did not need to compromise herself and her beliefs for that. She could continue being her own author in a way that was positive for them both.
She could not let this break her.
Looking up at Kim, she sniffled again and said quietly, "This is hard."
Kim frowned and settled back in front of her. "I bet," she breathed, "His life was turned upside down. Your life was turned upside down. You're both still learning how to navigate that."
Hailey nodded as she pulled the shirt on. She sighed and tugged out the dog tag she was still wearing. Looking down at Jay's name, she whispered, "I love him, but I love me too. I don't want to change who I am at my core to help him out."
"You won't," Kim said, "There's nothing wrong with loving yourself. We all love you for you. Jay understands that. I don't think…listen, I don't know why exactly he would have been drinking yesterday, but I don't think he was asking you to suddenly forget your past to excuse what he was doing."
"No, of course not," Hailey replied, "I know, but…I don't know."
"No, go for it," Kim said, shaking her head, "Talk. I'll listen."
Hailey eyed her for a moment then slowly nodded. She took a deep breath, tucked her hair behind her ear, then talked.
She told Kim about everything she'd been feeling on her own in the darkness of the bedroom and even in the car rides to work. Her fears, her anxieties, her anger. All of it spilled out between them there in the locker room.
She managed to hold back her tears, but they were evident in her voice, especially as she talked about how she was not at all okay with what Jay was doing the night before and how angry he'd made her. Kim listened intently, and when she mentioned that she felt physically ill from all the stress of what had happened, she offered to get her some acid reflux or stomach medicine. It was a simple offer, and yet it meant everything to her in the moment. The whole conversation did.
Hailey wasn't alone. She wasn't alone earlier when Kevin sat next to her at her desk, and she wasn't alone now with Kim in the locker room.
Trudy joined them almost ten minutes later and simply sat on the other bench. As Hailey spoke, she sat with her arms crossed and nodded along with every word. She didn't offer advice like Kim occasionally did regarding questions to ask Jay or food to make to break the ice, but she did send Hailey small smiles encouraging her to continue talking or to let her know that she wasn't wrong in saying something.
Eventually, though, she did quietly jump in when there was a lull in the conversation: "I think you should go home, Hailey."
Hailey's eyes widened, and she turned to get a better view of her. "Sorry?"
"You should go home and talk to your husband," Trudy explained, straightening up, "We can do without you for a day. There are things more important than work."
"I…I can't," Hailey said, "He's not expecting me."
Before Trudy could reply, Kim said, "It's your home too, and, if I'm correct in assuming this, you paid all the bills the past few months. He cannot kick you out."
"He didn't kick me out," Hailey sighed, "But I did pay the bills, and it is my house. I just don't want to interrupt his appointment today."
Trudy raised an eyebrow and glanced at her watch. "When was it?"
"Supposed to be at one," Hailey answered. She looked at her phone for the time then added, "I was hoping it'd be an hour."
"So stop on the way and pick up some coffee or grab a snack," Kim said, "Kill some time, and be there when he's done. We'll be okay."
"You two need to actually talk to each other," Trudy said, "Your talk last week seems to have been a good start, but there's clearly more that you need to go over. There's nothing wrong with that. There's a lot wrong with putting it off and ignoring each other."
Chewing the inside of her cheek again, Hailey nodded slightly and dug her nails into her palm.
"This is advice and a reminder for you both," Trudy said, moving closer to both Kim and Hailey, "You are both very strong women who married – or almost married – some very determined, independent, hard-headed men-"
"Adam and I aren't together," Kim said quietly.
Hailey couldn't help but smile as she glanced over at her.
Trudy rolled her eyes and said, "Really?" Laughing quietly herself, she shook her head and continued to say, "The point is, you're in relationships with men who are very similar to who you are. These relationships aren't going to be easy, but they're going to be worth it. Talk with them, work with them, try. I don't know if I've ever seen four people so meant for each other."
"Besides you, right?" Hailey quietly teased.
Smirking, Trudy winked and nodded. "Do not give this up," she said after a beat, "I did not risk my job by allowing so many relationships to happen under my roof just for either of you to throw this away. You have a family within this unit, but you have families at home too. Take care of them and you'll take care of yourselves."
"Thank you," Hailey said softly.
"I would thank you, but this whole Adam thing…" Kim trailed off and shook her head. Trudy and Hailey simply smiled at her, causing her to laugh and relax as she said, "Is a thing. He's my family, and I don't know what I'd do without him. Thank you, Trudy."
Trudy hummed and nodded, standing up. "I think we're good to go, then? Hailey will be heading home and Officer Denial is heading back up to work."
Hailey finally let out a real laugh and stood as well. She wasn't much for hugging, but as Kim stood next to her, she realized she should be. Wrapping her arms around one of her few friends that truly understood her, she whispered, "Thank you for coming down here and making sure I wasn't alone with my thoughts. That could have gotten scary."
Kim shook her head and rubbed her hand over Hailey's back before straightening up. "It's what friends are for. I have your back. And if you still need someone to kick Jay's ass-"
"I'll call you," Hailey laughed.
"Wonderful," Trudy breathed as she walked out.
Kim sent Hailey a wink before leaving the locker room as well.
Now alone, Hailey took a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair. She knew Trudy and Kim were right that she needed to truly talk to Jay about the previous night. Like their conversation the week before, it was going to be uncomfortable and probably result in tears, but it needed to be had. It didn't make it any easier to do, though.
Still, she knew it was necessary, so she shook the nerves from her hands, lightly ran her nails over her arms, then moved to return upstairs to the bullpen to grab her keys and coat.
She could do this.
She could do hard things.
Jay was worth it.
She was worth it.
The coffee burned Hailey's lips, but she welcomed it. It gave her something to focus on besides the stirring in her stomach that existed despite the medicine Kim had given her. She hoped it would all end when she finally spoke with Jay about the night before.
Only when she opened the apartment door, he wasn't there.
She knew he'd been doing his therapy appointments at the island because she'd helped him set up his laptop the other day and check that his background was fine – even though she had a gut feeling the therapist wouldn't care, he was still worried and she was ready to do just about anything to ease those nerves. Because of that, she expected to see him the second she walked in the apartment or at least see his laptop sitting there, but there was no sign of him.
"Jay?" she called out while slipping her jacket off, "You doing okay?"
She walked into the bedroom to check the bathroom like the day before, but he wasn't there either. Frowning, she repeated, "Jay?"
The silence of the apartment was eerily similar to when she'd lived alone for five months. She hated it.
Looking around, she couldn't find anything of Jay's, which wasn't comforting in the least. His phone, keys, wallet, and even his broken watch were gone.
She tried not letting panic sink in and began combing through every corner of the apartment for any clue as to where he would have gone. His laptop was still connected to the charger. His pajamas from the night before were in the laundry. His new slippers were waiting by the door.
The taco leftovers from the night before were in the trash. Untouched.
"Jay, where the hell are you?" she whispered as she pressed Trudy's contact on her phone.
"Hailey?"
"Trudy, he's gone," Hailey sighed, "He…Jay's not here. Can you…"
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"Can you help me find him?"
Asking for help had not been the norm over the last six months of Hailey's life. For the majority of the time, she stuck to herself. She didn't want others to see her struggling to stay afloat without her husband. It wasn't exactly who she presented herself as.
And yet she'd learned over just the last of those months that that'd been a mistake. She should have been asking for help instead of suffering for so long. Her friends were her friends for a reason, and they were smart. Not only did they know how to do their jobs, but they knew her, and they knew her husband. She trusted them with her life; it was time she started acting like it.
Trudy ended the call quickly to start searching for Jay, and Hailey started a new one to Will. He hadn't heard from Jay either and told her he'd call the second he did. Kevin promised to try to find him as well and assured her that no one else knew where Jay was either, but agreed they'd all help Trudy in any way they could.
Hailey couldn't wait for that long. She knew she could wait it out and see if Jay returned from wherever he was, but her gut told her that he hadn't just stepped out for a moment.
He wasn't answering any calls or texts. Someone might say it was normal or that he was busy, but she knew him and knew that he was ignoring her. He was smart. While she had the advantage of time on her side since Jay hadn't expected her to come home early, he had to have figured out by now based on the fact that she and all their friends were calling him that they were looking for him. He wasn't going to answer any call to risk them pinging his location.
He wanted to stay hidden, and she didn't blame him no matter how upset it made her.
The guilt had been evident on his face the night before. He knew he'd made a mistake, and it'd been stewing since he'd gone to bed. While he'd held her hand, she had a feeling he never really fell asleep just like her. Their brains just couldn't shut off while they were angry at each other, even if they couldn't admit it.
He wanted time alone, but she was too worried about where he could possibly be or what it could lead to to give it to him for long. He wasn't everything that made her up, but he was her whole heart. She couldn't bare to think that anything else could be putting his life in danger. He was far too important to her to just let him wander Chicago on his own only two weeks after returning home from the hospital and Bolivia.
Hailey had no idea how long he'd been out of the apartment, so she started circling the block as quickly and carefully as she could. Moving outwards as she thought of where he could have possibly gone, she silently prayed he was okay.
Physically, she wished that he hadn't slipped on any ice like she had. The memory of her body hitting the cement felt like ages ago, and yet it really was just about twenty-four hours before. In that twenty-four hours, her life had seemed to, once again, turn upside down. She wondered when it would be the right side up again.
As she tried not to scare herself by listing out all that could be going through Jay's mind right now –
A need for more alcohol.
Wanting to leave Chicago.
Divorce.
Suicide.
- She sped up her car and started heading toward Canaryville. She didn't know why, but it was one of the few other places he'd called home. Months before, he'd wanted to return to black and white – who he was at his core. Canaryville could hold that.
"I love you, okay? I know we hit a rough patch yesterday, but we'll figure it out, Jay. I know we will. I'm worried about you. Call me. Please."
It was her last desperate attempt at calling him. She'd left countless messages by now and began to worry that she'd fill his voicemail so that she wouldn't be able to leave anything else. She had surely left dozens over the last six months and had no idea if he'd ever deleted them to clear space on his phone. It was something else small and potentially dumb that she began to worry about.
She was nearing his childhood home when her phone rang again. For a moment, her heart jumped at the thought of Jay calling her, but it was the wrong Halstead on the other end.
"St. Boniface."
"What?" Hailey asked quickly.
"He's probably at our parents' graves," Will said, "He used to go there when he was medically discharged the first time to see our mom. He'd call me drunk. He's there. I know it. St. Boniface Cemetery."
Hailey pulled to the side of the road and began typing the address in her phone. Her eyes widened and she said, "Will, that's half an hour from me. I'm almost at your old house."
"There's a whole reason why Mom picked that cemetery, sorry, I'll tell it to you some other time. I can go-"
"No, no, I'll go. It's fine. Thanks."
Hanging up the phone, Hailey didn't care if this wasn't a real emergency. Her car was equipped with lights for a reason, and she was going to use them. All she needed was to get to Jay.
She tried not to think that Jay could possibly not be there. Will could be wrong. Jay could actually be back in Canaryville like her gut told her. She still had time to turn around.
But today was about trusting her friends and listening to their advice.
If Will thought Jay was at his parents' graves, then she just needed to believe that's where he was. She didn't have time to second guess anything.
She might have thought that she knew Jay the best out of everyone in their circle, but she also had to admit that that hadn't been getting her far lately. He'd felt like a bit of a stranger the last six months, maybe more, and there were many things that she had grown to realize she didn't completely understand about him. Love him as she did, she could not without a doubt say she could predict everything that Jay Halstead would do.
There were still many things she had to learn about her husband.
She wasn't quite sure she knew how she felt about it.
The cemetery came up sooner than she'd expected, and, for that, she was grateful.
In all her years of knowing Jay, she'd never once come with him to visit his parents. It had never seemed like something she should have forced upon him. She knew about his relationship with both of them. It was a private thing within his family that had all occurred before she stepped into his life.
His mom dying from leukemia when he was just 23. His dad passing away after another one of their constant arguments.
She hadn't wanted to overstep and force him to tell her anything about them that he wasn't ready to – especially when they weren't even dating.
It was when they were finally sharing a bed and relying on each other for the majority of their happiness that he began to tell her even more about his family. She learned about his mom's chicken noodle soup she'd make whenever he was sick and the car his dad bought him when he turned 15 that they fixed up together. The letters they both sent him while he was overseas and the stern talkings he'd gotten upon returning home with crutches and a scar on his throat. The last nights he'd spent talking to his mom about his future and the snide comments from his father after her death.
She learned who Pat and Amelia Halstead were through their son, but had never gone to actually meet them. Even though going to their resting places would have helped her in this moment, she knew she should have gone there before for Jay. It would have given her insight as to who he is as a person. Maybe it would have helped her months before when he was struggling to exist within Chicago. Maybe it would have helped her survive the last period of her life. Maybe it would have made their marriage even stronger.
Running through the cemetery, she knew now that things were going to have to be different. Her marriage with Jay was growing and changing. It didn't just have to adapt to the challenges that they faced; it could become even better as they learned who they were as individuals. Neither knew everything about the other, and it was about time that changed.
"Jay!" she called out, "Jay, are you here?"
The cemetery was empty. No one was at any other resting places for loved ones. The chilled air stung her cheeks, and the soft breeze filled her ears.
Jay wasn't there.
"Jay, Jay, please," she quietly begged, her feet beginning to reluctantly slow, "Jay, you…we can figure this out. Please. Please."
She stumbled to a stop at a fork in the path and breathed in shakily. Looking around, she didn't even know what her next step should be. Nothing in her gut told her left or right or even back to Canaryville. Years before, she could always figure out where Jay would be or what he would be doing. Now, she felt lost.
As tears came to her eyes, she knew she was lost in more than just the cemetery. Her marriage. Her job. Her best friend. Her partner. Even herself. She couldn't find her way back to where any of it was before Bolivia happened. They had been thrust into some sort of never ending labyrinth and couldn't find their way out.
But that's what it was: a labyrinth.
All labyrinths had an ending. They were meant to be complex and irregular, but they were not impossible.
Finding Jay and healing together was not impossible. This was not the end of the marriage; it was just another chapter. She'd hit a dead-end. She could figure out how exactly to turn the page and keep going.
Wiping her eyes, she looked around at the empty cemetery and breathed in slowly. Jay had never mentioned where his parents' were buried, but he'd mentioned going to visit them a few times.
A month after his dad died, he'd gone back to the grave to apologize. He'd told her all about it after they'd discussed a case with a veteran he'd had to shoot in a mosque. She couldn't quite remember what he'd said about it besides sitting on the ground for close to an hour as he'd cleared his mind.
Last Mother's Day, she woke up alone because he'd gone to place flowers at his mom's headstone. He'd been back before 10am with a take-out box of waffles from a diner she hadn't been to before. He'd said he passed the place on his way home and thought she'd like the breakfast even if it was more of brunch by the time he got there. Before he joined her for the food, he changed into a pair of sweatpants because he'd gotten dirt on his jeans.
When she was in New York, she'd called him and it went straight to voicemail. It hadn't been an odd occurrence, but when he'd called her back an entire day later, he was complaining about having a sunburn on his face. She told him he needed to buy sunscreen to keep in the locker room only for him to reply that he'd actually been at the cemetery visiting his parents.
Hailey breathed in slowly. She could find a couple of graves without a bench or shade.
She went left.
It was the first thing her gut had told her to do in a while. There seemed to be less trees over here, and it felt like something Jay would do. At least, she hoped it was.
She'd stopped running. She couldn't keep pushing herself so hard. Everything from now on needed to be calm. The high anxiety and constant worrying had led to too many thoughts spinning around in her head. It had landed in her stomach and made her sick. If she slowed down and actually thought through everything before making a decision, perhaps she'd start feeling better.
She hoped that Jay could eventually understand the same thing.
With each step she took, she scanned the still quiet cemetery. Jay couldn't have been hard to find. He was a grown man who still walked with a slight limp. He may or may not have been drinking to the best of her knowledge. He had a sling on, so it was hard for him to properly wear a jacket. He couldn't hide. She was going to find him.
And she did.
She'd been walking around the cemetery for close to ten minutes when she spotted him sitting between two headstones. He was leaning against the one on the right while keeping a steady gaze on the other. Like she'd thought it would be, his jacket looked a little twisted around him. He was right there.
"Jay," she breathed before quickening her steps. "Jay!"
He looked up at her with wide eyes. "Hailey?" he called out.
"Yeah, yeah, it's me," she said while hurrying over. Falling to her knees in front of him, she hugged him tightly to her shoulder and whispered, "I was so worried."
"What're you…why?" he asked, but still wrapped his arm around her. "I'm okay."
She shook her head and kissed the side of his head before sitting back. "I didn't know where you were. It looked like you hadn't been home. I-I was thinking the worst. I didn't know."
She felt like she could just ramble for hours. Despite all the talking she'd already done with Kim and Trudy, she knew she wasn't done. Jay was here in front of her, and he was safe. Her worst fears hadn't come true. All of her thoughts could just spill out right there between them.
"I'm okay," Jay repeated softly. He placed a hand to her cheek and said, "I'm sorry. I thought I'd be home way before you. What time is it?"
"Little after three," she answered without even glancing at her phone. She couldn't look away from Jay's face. He didn't look like he'd been crying or in any pain. He just looked like him. She hadn't known what to expect upon finding him here, but she'd had a bad feeling about it all if he really had run away without letting anyone know.
"Oh," Jay breathed. He nodded slightly in her hold, then let his eyes drift back to the grave on his left.
Hailey followed his gaze to see he was staring at his dad's grave. She wet her lips and took a deep breath.
"He always told us to be the man of the house."
Hailey's head spun back to Jay at his whisper, and she remained silent as he continued to quietly share whatever was on his mind.
"You grow up, you get a respectable job, you get a wife, you buy her a good house, and you provide for her. You have a family and treat them right. You have morals. It was the one condition on me going to the army: I needed to come home and make something of myself so that I could continue our 'legacy.'"
He sniffled and leaned his head back against the edge of his mom's headstone. Closing his eyes for a moment, he then whispered, "He was pissed I was enlisting. Said he knew too many guys who couldn't handle it when they came home. That and the fact that my mom cried for days about me going. He told me I couldn't die for her. That he'd never forgive me for breaking her like that."
"Jay," she breathed.
He ignored her.
"I couldn't do it," he sighed, "I came home from the military and failed. I just don't know what to do." He finally looked at her, and she finally saw the sadness she'd been expecting to see on his face.
"I lost, Hailey," he whispered, "I went to Bolivia and came home to nothing. I did the exact thing my dad didn't want me to do. How am I supposed to be the man of the house if I can't even work? I was drinking because I didn't know what else to do. Last time I came home from war, I didn't have anything but Mouse and my dad. My mom was dying. I was alone with two other guys who were also pretty miserable and going through crap, so I drank because that's all we could do. I'm alone again now, and I panicked and went back to that. You're going back to work, and I'm at home. It was a stupid, knee-jerk reaction to a crappy situation, and I'm sorry. I was an ass. I'm sorry."
All her anger seemed to fade away in that moment.
Hailey stared at Jay as he spoke, shocked at the words coming out of his mouth, and yet they made complete sense. She understood where he was coming from. He'd always told her he was old-fashioned, and she'd thought it was funny, but her gut had known it was true. He'd never told her that she was going to have to be a stay-at-home mom or anything like that, but he had his moments where it was clear that he was looking forward to being a dad and a husband. He liked surprising her with flowers when she was sad and talking about playing catch with his kids some day. He liked working and proving himself to others. He took any moment he could to protect her, and she knew he was going to continue doing it no matter how many times she told him that she could handle herself. He was a man of his word who had been taken out at the knees.
He didn't know what to do anymore.
He couldn't return to his job that he loved for ten years. He couldn't even go back to the same field. He needed to learn how to survive without one of the few things that had been steady in his life.
She'd been panicking for the last hour about finding him, but he'd been panicking for months about the exact same thing. He didn't know who he was back in October at his job, he tried to fix it, and then it was all taken away from him in one short day. This wasn't just drinking because of one day; it was drinking after months of the unknown. It'd been building up, and she couldn't be surprised that it came to a head.
All she could be happy about was the fact that they'd been able to stop it before it become too steep of a slope to climb back up, but she also wondered if she'd stopped it too soon. She didn't know if whatever had been in his system had actually gotten out with four beers. Maybe she should have let him fall hard off the wagon so that he'd be more appreciative when he got back up.
And yet here he sat, and she knew that would have been stupid. He fully understood what he'd done and why it had happened. She shouldn't wish for worse things to have happened to him just because she was angry. He was too good for any of that to happen. He was going through enough already.
She cleared her throat softly and scooted closer to him. With her knees resting against his legs, she set her hand on the side of his face and whispered, "I know. I know you are."
"I'm tired," he quietly replied, "It's barely been two weeks, and I am so tired."
Hailey blinked her eyes quickly against the sudden tears and nodded. She pushed up to hug Jay tightly. "I am too," she breathed against his temple, "It's harder than I thought."
Jay groaned quietly and rested his head on her shoulder. "Hell of a lot harder. I don't know what to do anymore."
She hummed and rubbed her hand over his back.
"I went to my therapist today," he continued quietly, "You made that virtual appointment, but I figured going there would be better. That's kind of what…that's what started this little adventure."
Hailey smiled slightly and nodded. Sitting back to look at him, she said, "Do you think that was better than being at home?"
"Yeah," Jay sighed, "Got me out of the house at least. Put me in a real office and made it all feel that much more real. I think it kind of tricked my mind to make me take it more seriously."
"That's a good point," Hailey said softly, "Do you think the rest of your appointments should be in person?"
"Yeah, yeah, I, uh, I asked that we changed them all to be," Jay said, "I think I'll do better that way. I can take an Uber again or the bus. It's not a big deal."
"Whatever works for you," Hailey replied.
Jay nodded and rubbed his fist under his nose. "I should have told you."
Hailey shook her head and took a deep breath. She much would have preferred to know where Jay was and what he was doing, but she also knew he needed to feel like he had some control. Just because she was his wife didn't mean that she needed to know exactly what he was doing every second of every day. This could be his chance to feel normal again.
Or at least a version of normal.
Jay wouldn't look away from her, though. He was staring at her as if to wait for her to agree with him. She just couldn't find it within herself to do so. Maybe he should have told her, but she completely understood why he wouldn't have. In terms of secrets, it did not seem like the biggest one he could have had from her. They had bigger potatoes to fry in their marriage right now.
"You're not mad?" he asked quietly.
"I…no."
She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She glanced around the cemetery then settled down cross-legged next to him and his mom's headstone.
"I'm not mad," she quietly explained, "I was just worried. I…I'm going through a lot and this was the one thing I was going to focus on right now."
Jay let out a quiet noise that almost sounded like a laugh.
Hailey's head snapped up to him. "What?" she breathed.
Jay shook his head and pressed the heel of his right hand to his eye. "What did I do to deserve you?" he whispered.
"What are you talking about?" she countered.
Jay chewed his bottom lip for a moment then explained, "It is absolutely wrecking me that you're staying with me through all of this. No matter what mistakes I make or what I do, you're sticking with me. It should make me feel good and supported, but it just makes me feel even worse. I can't stand that I'm hurting you. You deserve better."
If Hailey closed her eyes, she could hear her uncle telling her those exact words. She was at his house two days after senior prom, telling him all about her friends and the songs they'd danced to all night. He'd smiled and laughed along with her while eating his homemade spanakopita. Finally, at the end of her retelling, he told her that she deserved a boy better than her father. He was happy that Ian Booras had asked her to dance, but he wanted to know that he would never hurt her. He needed to be a good man and keep her happy.
It was a long thread of thoughts that Hailey had been having about Jay for months now. Was he a good man that kept her happy?
Yes.
Most of the time.
He might not have always kept her happy, but happiness could not be her only factor in a relationship. She needed to feel safe and protected and cared for.
Loved.
She needed to come home from work and know that her husband wasn't going to hit her. She needed to feel like the man she slept next to had morals and a backbone. He needed to be the kind of man who worked through his problems with his words – not his fists.
Jay was not her father.
She'd gotten a small glimpse of her father the night before, but that's not who Jay was. Jay had panicked and tried coping in his own way. He'd made a mistake that she needed to forgive. She understood what had happened and could not hold that against him forever.
He deserved that.
They deserved each other.
She didn't know many people who could face what they had and still push forward, but maybe that was a reflection of the relationships that she surrounded herself with. They were not the most healthy things or people to look up to, so now was her chance to prove them all wrong. She could have a successful marriage no matter how scared she was of what could happen.
She deserved the love Jay had to give her.
He was smart, kind, thoughtful. He'd hit a rough patch in his life, but her love could handle it. She believed in herself. Jay had loved her through her worst, and, when he had, she'd vowed to love him through the same.
They were going to get through this because they refused to give up. She could have given up months before by throwing her ring away or asking for an immediate divorce, but there'd been a glimmer of hope within her gut telling her to hold on. Maybe it was her uncle, maybe it was the ghosts of her past, whatever it was, she knew she needed to hold on to it. She could not give up on her husband.
She couldn't give up on Jay.
"I deserve you," she whispered, "Jay, I…I deserve to be loved and to have a husband who wants the best for me. I deserve that, don't I? And you give that to me. No matter what you think, you do. You love me, right?"
"Of course I do, but-"
"No buts."
Hailey breathed in shakily and tried smiling at him. Tilting her head to the side, she had a flash of the silly words her uncle would say to her all the time when she'd try interrupting him.
"No buts, no nuts, no coconuts."
She'd laugh every single time.
She glanced back at Amelia Halstead's headstone and breathed, "Can I take you somewhere?"
Jay raised an eyebrow and said, "Sorry?"
"I'm taking you somewhere," Hailey replied, standing up. She put a hand out and asked, "Are you okay with that?"
Jay stared down at her hand before the smallest of smiles crossed his face, and he grabbed it. Standing up with her help, he asked, "Where are we going?"
"You'll see."
Jay didn't question when they showed up at another cemetery. He remained quiet and walked next to her as they made their way down the path together.
Like the cemetery where Jay's parents were, there were several trees and flowers decorating the grounds. This one, however, was one that Hailey was familiar with. She'd been here several times, walked this exact same path more times than she could count, and she knew where she was going.
"David Jerome," Jay said as they came to a stop at the headstone placed near a large pine tree.
Hailey nodded and knelt in front of the headstone to lightly trace the letters on the cold marble.
After her uncle had died and the headstone had been placed, she came here for weeks on end to do the exact same thing. She'd trace his name over and over and over again until she felt like her finger was going to turn raw. She never knew why she did it, but it brought her some sort of peace. Maybe it was the slow movement or maybe it was accepting that it really was his name carved there, but it always calmed her down.
"I know that name," Jay continued quietly, "Your mom was a Jerome, right? Is this your grandpa?"
"Uncle," she answered without looking up, "And he's the guy who taught me what I deserve. Come here." She sat next to the headstone and patted the cold grass.
Jay didn't hesitate to put a hand on her shoulder and slowly lower himself to the ground.
"He hated my dad," she explained, letting out a weak laugh, "He knew he beat my mom, and he couldn't stand that she stayed with him. He always told me to find a better guy – a good guy – to spend the rest of my life with."
"Of course," Jay breathed.
Hailey finally met his eyes and said, "I realized weeks ago that he would have liked you. You made a mistake in going to Bolivia without talking to me, but you did it for the right reasons. You were trying to be better. You wanted to fix yourself for me and for you. You hurt me, yes, but…but I'll be okay. I am okay. Uncle DJ would get that."
Jay tried to laugh as he looked back at the headstone. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't know," he said quietly, "How could he or why should he? I hurt his girl."
Hailey wet her lips then gently corrected, "Firefly. He-He'd call me his firefly."
Jay finally smiled and looked back up at her. "Yeah? You are a firefly, aren't you? Quick as hell, and bright as the stars. You're perfect."
"I'm not," she replied, "But I'm perfect with you. We're too good together to give up, don't you agree?"
"I want to," Jay said, "Really, really badly, but what if I'm exactly what my dad said I'd become: what if I'm nothing?"
"Hey, no." Hailey turned to push up on her knees and gently hold Jay's face. "You are not nothing," she said softly, "If you were, we wouldn't even be here right now. If I thought you were nothing, I would not be fighting so hard for this marriage, and I don't even think you would have gone to therapy today if you wanted to truly give up. You still have fight in you, and we're going to lean into that fight until it's no longer one. Do you understand me?"
He didn't reply right away, but Hailey knew her husband. With one look in his eyes, she could see that he did understand, and that he was going to keep fighting whether that be for her or himself.
It took him a minute, though, before he answered, "Yes."
Hailey smiled and nodded quickly as she brushed her thumbs over his jaw. "Thank you," she whispered.
Jay shook his head and said, "Thank you."
She weakly laughed, feeling tears once again return to her eyes. She hated that she'd cried so much over the past few weeks of her life, but perhaps that was just what she needed. She'd spent so much of her life hiding her emotions and feelings. Now, she was learning to lean into them just like she'd leaned into her friends.
This was a period of growth for both her and Jay, and she could learn to appreciate it. She didn't need to like it, but she could accept what it had done to her as a person and to their marriage. It was not going to be the end of their story.
She refused.
"Can we go home together?" she asked softly.
Jay nodded, but instead of moving to stand up, he leaned forward and lightly kissed her cheek. "For not giving up on me even if you should have," he explained.
She hummed and slipped her hand around his head to brush against his hair. With a small smile, she turned enough to catch his lips in hers. "For being my husband and exactly what I deserve."
Jay shook his head slightly and let out a quiet breath. "I don't know."
"Trust me on this one," she said.
"I'll try."
"That's all I ask."
Hailey was still upset at what had happened the night before, but after hearing Jay's explanation and the thoughts that had led him to drinking, she could see where he was coming from. She understood him and appreciated that he'd let her in – even if it was about twenty-four hours too late.
On their drive home, Jay caught her up with what he'd talked about at his appointment: his dad, not having a job, his fear of a mid-life crisis. She appreciated that he was honest and open with her and hoped this was a turn in their relationship. It seemed to be everything that Trudy had been telling her they needed to do. It slowly lifted a weight from her shoulders as she drove.
What was not going away, though, were the pains in her stomach. While they weren't as bad as they'd been earlier in the locker room, she still wasn't exactly comfortable and looked forward to getting home to lay in bed with her husband at her side.
When she parked in their lot outside the apartment building, she slipped from the car and asked for just that: "You up for a nap?"
Jay laughed and said, "I can't promise I'll fall asleep, but if you'd like to take one, I'd gladly lay down with you."
Hailey smiled at him and replied, "Thank you." She wrapped an arm around her stomach and reached a hand out toward him.
"You feeling okay?" he asked while grabbing her hand and walking with her toward their building.
She scoffed slightly and said, "I don't know. Just tired I think."
Jay hummed and brushed his thumb over her knuckles. "Let me know if you need anything, okay? I want to…I want to work on redeeming myself – even if you don't think I need to."
Hailey nodded and glanced up at him. "I can do that," she said softly.
"Thank you."
Together, they entered their building and headed toward the elevator. While riding up to their floor, Jay's thumb continued brushing along her hand. It was surprisingly soft and comforting for the moment. She tried focusing on it instead of the burning in her stomach and the ache still present in her shoulder. To do so, she closed her eyes and leaned against the wall.
She didn't even notice when the elevator doors dinged open.
"Hail, you okay?" Jay asked, ignoring the elevator doors as they moved to close again.
She slowly blinked, her adrenaline high starting to crash. Hard. "I…yeah, yeah, I'm fine," she said, "Just tired."
"You already said that," Jay replied, "Hailey, what's going on?"
Trudy said she needed to talk to Jay. It needed to be about more than just how Jay was doing. She needed to talk about herself. About how everything that was going on with him was physically hurting her. About how she fell at work. About how she'd wanted to tell him about the rough case. About how she too was truly tired with everything that was happening. About how she wanted a break.
She just didn't exactly have the words to share all of that. How she could tell Jay about everything that had been going on with her, she had no idea. It didn't seem easy.
But Jay had shared what he was going through. He'd woken up early and gone to therapy on his own. That had not been easy for him. She knew him and knew that asking for help was not something he could simply do.
Just like her.
She needed to take a page from his book and ask for the help she needed. She might not have exactly asked for help from Kevin and Kim and Trudy and even Will, but she'd received it and recognized that it'd worked. There was no doubt in her mind that asking Jay for help and letting him into her mind would feel even better.
His fingers were cool against hers as she gripped onto them within one hand and used the other to press the button to open the elevator again. Jay stayed quiet on their walk down the hall together, but she could feel his skeptical gaze on her the entire time.
The words still failed her, but as she was opening the apartment door, she knew exactly how she could show Jay that she was struggling. He'd seen it before and would recognize in an instant that she needed help. That she was struggling on her own and couldn't handle it anymore.
Jay remained silent with each step they took into their bedroom until Hailey gently pushed him on the edge of the mattress. "What're you doing?" he finally asked.
She just shook her head and slipped her coat off. With a deep, shaky breath, she began unbuttoning her jeans.
Jay looked like he wanted to say something else, but settled on sitting back slightly and watching her shaky hands.
The second her jeans hit the ground, she knew he could see the scratches on her thighs. She couldn't bring herself to look at his face to see if her earlier assumption was right.
Instead, she tugged Kim's t-shirt off and dropped it next to her jeans. Before Jay could even mention the scratches on her arms or the nail marks on her palms, she turned to show him the bruising on her back.
She pulled her hair over shoulder then looked down at her socked feet. It'd been over two years since her first time with Jay, and yet this felt even more vulnerable.
Jay's hand was pressed to her lower back before she felt his breath against her ear: "Did this happen at work?"
She closed her eyes and murmured, "Not all of it."
Jay hummed in understanding. His hand trailed over to her arm and reached down to tangle with her fingers. He pressed himself up against her back so that she felt every piece of his clothing on her bare skin then tucked his chin over her shoulder.
"Tell me everything," he whispered, "Please."
She leaned her head against his and breathed in shakily before putting her free hand on top of his. Brushing her thumb over his wrist, she nodded and felt a tear fall down her cheek.
She could tell him and let the final weight off her shoulders.
The heaviest of them all.
A/N: I hate to do this to you, but I'll be out of town next week, so I won't be updating until July 10. I hope the extra long chapter can hold you over until then. Thank you as always for reading, and I'll talk to you soon :)