Quote of the Chapter:

"I'm a mess,
that don't rhyme with shit it's just true," - Childish Gambino, Les

Chapter Forty-Two: Get out (of my head)

He needed to get her out of his head. That was one thing Meliodas knew as he tried to immerse himself within his work. Elizabeth Liones - no, the girl in the box - needed to remain at the back of his mind, far away from conscious thoughts and even farther away from his sensitive heart. She was a distraction. She was something he couldn't afford to think about. Not tonight.

Work had always been a means of distraction. Even as a kid, hopping on random trainlines and grabbing a bus out into the middle of nowhere, Meliodas had used work to keep himself busy. Work provided a productive distraction. Work provided a routine. Work kept his mind ticking over. Those three things were the perfect ingredient for semi-permanent sanity. Those three things kept Meliodas under good behaviour.

Elizabeth just had to be something that could fuck that up though. Of course she had to be.

Manning the bar had never been a problem before. Serving drinks and chatting with the patrons had always been so effortless for Meliodas. Surprisingly, selling drugs wasn't much different from selling legitimate product. Counting cash, recording stock and working with difficult clients were all skills that transferred rather nicely between drug dealing and bar-tending.

Sometimes, whenever he was in a good mood, Meliodas would credit his father for giving him those skills. By forcing a young Meliodas into his world of drugs, cars and dirty cash, the old bastard had done some good. One tiny little amount of good that served as the basic first-step to Meliodas reintegrating himself into society.

Without those skills, the Boar's Hat would have failed. Without those skills, Meliodas would have ended up just like his old man: forever chasing the rapid-flowing money of the drug game.

Selling drugs had done some good. Selling drugs, though, had mostly done bad. All of that bad would always outweigh the good - especially since it had cost him Elizabeth.

"You look lonely tonight, Meliodas," Eyelashes twinkling in their faux-silver glow, Zaneri took her usual perch on a bar stool, wane smile stretched across her lips. If Meliodas were to crack a guess - judging off her pristine blouse and matching satchel - she'd come here fresh from work. A habit that seemed to be growing ever since that incident a few weeks back.

Getting that drunk had been a mistake. Trying to forget everything through alcohol was always a mistake. The first time Meliodas realised that, he'd already stolen Elizabeth's virginity; the last he'd learned that lesson he'd found himself sneaking out of a high rise in Victoria, sending a curt nod to the doorman as he left. Alcohol taken to the extremes never ended well.

Oftentimes, its consequences ended up right on your doorstep - or, in this case, right in front of you, batting her eyelashes as she tried to revive something that simply didn't exist.

"I'm just fine," Meliodas couldn't help the gruff bite to his words. Dealing with this was the last thing he wanted to do. Facing the consequence of his own stupid mistakes was the last reminder he needed of how big of an asshole he could be.

Not at all satisfied with his answer, Zaneri frowned as she shook her head, "You don't look fine."

Of course he didn't look fine. Who, in his position, would ever look fine? But, of course, Meliodas couldn't tell her that. Zaneri could be trusted as much as a HGV could be tossed across the entire Wembley Stadium - which wasn't very far. Everything that bothered Meliodas in this moment was confidential; almost every part of it could land him in jail for life.

Trust was a hard thing for Meliodas to give out. Trust was even harder to give to someone like Zaneri, so eager to drop everything for him at any given opportunity.

In the past, a part of Meliodas had loved that. Blinded by the moronic hubris of an adolescent boy, a younger Meliodas had gone along with it all. Secondary school relationships were never meant to go far - not in the grand scheme of things. Whenever he'd said that he loved her, part of him knew that it was just thrum of hormones talking, the thrill of a teenager experiencing their first real fling.

Every time Zaneri lapped it up. Clinging to his arm between lessons, there to act all envious and catty whenever anyone 'grew too close' to him. Using a few simple words, a younger Meliodas could wrap Zaneri around his little finger.

But then he met Elizabeth.

For the first time in his life, Meliodas felt something. Like seeing the sun rise for the first time, warm and comforting rays heating your face as the sky filled with a beautiful golden glow, meeting Elizabeth - properly - was life-changing. In that moment, Meliodas understood what it was like to want to drop the earth and more for a single, other person. In that moment he understood why there was such a thing like human sacrifice.

Elizabeth was that watershed moment in his life, that first sunrise that forever changed every single day after. After Elizabeth, there was no going back. After Elizabeth, there was nothing else to compare.

Nothing compared to the emptiness they both shared.

Choosing to remain in silence, Meliodas went back to sorting out the already sorted glasses behind the counter. Conversation was not an option for them. Conversation had never been an option. Power-play was the only thing hanging in the air - her chance to try and reel him back in, and his chance to take advantage or simply leave her alone.

"You still hung up on Elizabeth?" Zaneri breached the calm, fishing in her satchel for what was most likely her purse. Raising a brow, she kept her gaze focused on Meliodas. "If so, that's pretty long for you."

"I'm not- "

"We all can tell," Zaneri immediately cut in, her features pressing into a deadpan. 'No debating it,' Was what her expression said, 'I'm not that stupid.'Not too many people were that gullible these days.

"Well, it's not what you all think," Releasing a sigh, Meliodas set down the idle glass he'd picked up to try and seem busy. Alas, his attempt had been futile. Seeming busy, using work to avoid his own problems, had become a recognised trademark among those who watched him. Nevertheless, that didn't bring down his annoyance at all.

Frowning, Meliodas barely restrained the growl that wanted to slip from him, "So you can all stay the fuck out of it."

"Suit yourself," Zaneri barely flinched at him, even with the storminess that swam within his eyes. Instead she let a couple gold coins land on the counter, shimmering under the light, as a smug grin stretched across her lips. "But I'm still keeping you company. You'll fuck up eventually and end up right back at the beginning."

You'll fuck up eventually. Meliodas always fucked up eventually. He knew that; she knew that; everyone on this damned planet knew that. Trusting Meliodas to keep everything running smoothly was like asking a snail to win a race: practically impossible. Bad luck ran on the same track as Meliodas; bad luck always liked to keep him in line.

Often, he believed it was because of all the bad he'd done in his life. Something had to balance out the suffering he had caused, the deaths by infected needles or the strokes from chemical-spiked weed. Dealing drugs came with a lot of bad; that bad had to be balanced out somewhere, had to be cashed in on someone's future. Why wouldn't it be Meliodas?

"You are your own downfall, son," His father had always told him that - ever since he was a kid. Lip curled with disgust, cigarette burning in his hand, he had always told him that. All of the bad that happened to him, every little bad consequence, was due to Meliodas' own actions and decisions. Meliodas was his own downfall; Meliodas was his own enemy.

Growing up, he'd always thought it was his father being an asshole. Like the punishments that included standing cold in the rain, shivering as his father hosed him down in the back garden, Meliodas had always seen it as a way to bring him down, degrade him. Bad enough, it was, that he had blood on his hands. Bad enough, it was, that he could never escape the iron grasp of his father's control. But... to know that it was his own fault?

Meliodas had always thought that his father was to blame for it all. His father was what made him a fuck up, someone beyond repair in the eyes of society. But, without his father, Meliodas had managed to do the same - only in a different way.

You are you own downfall: Meliodas himself had driven Elizabeth away. Meliodas himself had made her vital, key, to functioning in a normal, standard way. Way back when, a school kid in the football pitch, grinning as he caught her watching beyond the fence, he had been the first domino to result in this disastrous chain-effect of misery.

"You're right, I'm at the beginning," Meliodas nodded, stunning Zaneri and wavering her smug grin. Right now was no different from the past. The past was no different from right now.

Ten years later and he was still the same: lost without Elizabeth's guidance and clinging to anything that feebly offered to do the same.