A/N: I had the Barbie song "what was I made for?" In my mind when I wrote this. This deals with tough subjects, suicide, miscarriage and violence (don't worry they don't hurt each other ;) ) so if you're sensitive to that this is your warning. Edited to remove sexual scenes and adhere to sites policy.
Andrew opened the door to the hospital room and slowly stepped in. Frankie had barely said anything to him for the past two weeks she'd been in the hospital. She wasn't speaking to anyone, even Donna couldn't get it out of her. Everyone kept saying it would take time but what was time? Was she ever going to speak to him? He didn't dare touch her, speak too much, ask something inappropriate or stupid, he didn't laugh or cry, he didn't anything. He pushed away his emotions and put her first, that's how it should be.
"Time to go Frankie." He said walking over to her. She was sat staring at her hands on her stomach as if she could wish the baby back. A nurse came in with a wheelchair, stopping it by Frankie's bed, Frankie had on some pyjamas and a dressing gown. The nurse helped her up and got her into the wheelchair, Andrew grabbed her bag of clothes and belongings and walked behind the nurse as she pushed Frankie down the hallway and into the elevator. Andrew tailed along behind them, when the doors opened he went on ahead and pulled the car up to the entrance to the hospital.
Opening the door for Frankie he turned and looked at her. For the first time he noticed she'd lost weight. The nurses were getting her to eat enough to survive and to make them happy, but he wasn't sure how he was going to get her to eat. He reached down gently lifting her up into his arms, the first time he'd truly touched her, she was warm he noted and he turned putting her in the car seat. She did her seat belt up and the nurse smiled and waved as she walked away with the wheelchair. He thanked her and got in the car, driving off.
The drive home was silent, deadly silent. Luckily he had some help waiting and someone Frankie really needed right now. Frankie gazed out the window as the scenery blew by, stopping at a red light, Frankie watched as a mother bent down to her child, it all went in slow motion, the mother did the child's coat up, she smiled and kissed her child's cheek, handing him a lollipop. The car moved and Frankie put her hand on the window, watching them disappear out of sight. She sighed and sat back in her seat.
It wasn't that she didn't have anything to say, it wasn't Andrew's fault, it was nobody's fault but hers. She didn't know she was pregnant and she had done stupid things that caused her to loose the baby. The baby. Her hand drifted to her stomach, she missed it. Her heart was broken, she was broken.
Andrew went to reach for her hand but she pulled it away and stared out the window again, closing her eyes. The drive back took time but eventually he turned into their driveway and headed up towards the house. "I thought you might need some company." He said simply as Donna stood waving on the porch of their cabin.
Donna had been a life saver, she'd been staying in the cabin whilst Andrew was with Frankie at the hospital. She'd brought a whole new bed, new mattress, new bed sheets, cleaned the carpets thoroughly, got rid of every trace that anything had happened. She'd cleaned the whole cabin and made it welcoming with fresh flowers and a card for Frankie from all the girls at the salon. She even brought some new pjs for Frankie to snuggle in now the weather was getting cold.
Stopping the car Andrew went to get Frankie out but Frankie stepped out before he had the chance. "Careful." He said, Donna came running over, "Frankie!" She carefully dived on her best friend, hugging her. "Hi." Frankie said and smiled very, very faintly.
"Look at you girl, walking already?" She said, Frankie stumbled a little and Donna grabbed her before Andrew could. "Still a little shaky huh?" Donna laughed and held her up as she walked. "Let's get you inside, damn it's cold up here!"
Frankie allowed Donna to help her only because the other alternative was Andrew… she didn't want him to touch her, not because she didn't love him or because of anything like that, but because now she was a failure, she'd killed his child and she didn't deserve his love.
"Here we are home sweet home, mother Donna is here to smother you okay?" Donna said as they went in and towards the bedroom. Frankie stopped at the door staring into the room that looked different to when she was here last. Donna went to move in but Frankie couldn't move, she was scared. "Hey it's okay." Donna said looking at her, taking her hands. "You want to do this later?" She asked her. Frankie shook her head and Donna guided her into the room, helping her over to the bed. "Your girl got you these, you like them?" She asked Frankie and modelled them against her. Frankie sat on the bed not taking any notice. The bed felt different, everything felt different like she wasn't really home.
Getting Frankie into bed Donna pulled the covers over her and knelt down next to her. "I'll be back in a little bit to check on you okay?" She kissed her friends head, "we're just out here if you need us okay?"
Frankie closed her eyes and turned on her side, facing the window, away from the door. Andrew set the things down and walked out with Donna softly closing the door behind them.
Andrew took off his jacket and went across to the fire place, sitting down and leaning back into the sofa. His head throbbed and he rubbed his hands over his face. Donna came over with a glass of water and some painkillers. "Take these." She said and sat down next to him. "You need your rest too." She said, touching his arm. "You're exhausted."
"I'm fine." He drank the painkillers and sighed looking at the glass in his lap.
"It's gonna take time Andrew." Donna said, "I know it's hard right now but she's…she's lost. She needs us to help her home again."
"How can I when she won't even look at me?" He asked Donna.
"Just be there, remind her how much you love her, she probably feels really shit about herself right now."
"And I don't?" He asked angrily but quickly calmed down. "Sorry." He said, leaning his head down on the pillow, Donna got up and pulled a blanket over him.
"Get some sleep, you'll feel better." Donna went to walk away but stopped and walked back, kneeling down. "Frankie knows your hurting too. She still loves you I know she does she just needs to figure out who she is now. Don't loose hope, because he's working to make things right." She pointed up. Andrew sighed and closed his eyes, wondering if he was listening at all.
It had been a long week and Frankie and Andrew were no further forward than they were when she first woke up in the hospital. Andrew was growing more and more frustrated, Frankie barely spoke to anyone, barely ate and looked like she was giving up on life. One morning Frankie woke to the sun rising over the lake, she was able to get up and walk around better now, she sat up on the bed and looked out the window. Andrew wasn't there, he never was, he wouldn't sleep with her and she didn't blame him. He slept on the sofa as Donna had the guest room, today Donna was leaving and Frankie was worried about being left with Andrew alone.
She got up and walked to the glass putting her hands on it she saw herself outside, happy and running around the garden with Andrew and their child. It happened in slow motion, everything did these days. Walking out of the bedroom, Frankie walked across the room to the back door and unlocked it, opening it. Andrew stirred hearing a noise and looked up to see Frankie, he furrowed a brow wondering where she was going, she only had shorts and a cami top on.
Frankie stepped outside and walked, the grass beneath her bare feet felt warm and happy. The sun shone brightly and against her skin it felt amazing, she walked down the pier to the end and stopped, looking out over the water. She closed her eyes, feeling warmer than it actually was. Andrew got up and followed her out the door. He stopped at the end of the porch and just watched her, not wanting to disturb her, he figured she'd probably freak out if he did.
He watched her at the end of the pier and saw her sit down, it was chilly out, too chilly to be in the water, he watched her stick her feet in and then jump in. His heart jumped and he ran shouting her "Frankie!"
Frankie floated on her back, suddenly the cold sharp water cut through her like a knife, the clouds darkened and the water pulled her under, she wished for death and here it was.
Andrew took his top off and dived into the water, the cold taking his breath away. He grabbed Frankie and pulled her out of the water back to the pier, pushing her up on dock he jumped out and stared at her. "What were you trying to do?" He asked bewildered. "Frankie answer me!" He demanded, she sobbed being inches from death but so far as well. The clouds grew dark and it started to rain, the sun suddenly replaced by darkness.
Stopping crying Frankie got up and ran, running back to the safety of her bedroom she shut the door behind her and fell back against it. Andrew sat there for a minute before finally swearing and hitting the deck with his fist hard, instantly regretting it. "What the heck happened?" Donna asked as she ran over to him.
"She dived in the water, and nearly drowned." He said angrily, holding his fist.
"I'll go check on her." Donna said running back to the cabin, she ran over to the door and knocked gently. "Frankie?" She asked as she walked in, pushing the door closed behind her. Frankie was sat on the bed, tears falling but an emotionless expression on her face.
"Let's get you showered." Donna said and took her to the bathroom, shutting the door. Later on that day, Donna chucked her bag in the car and went back in the cabin and into the bedroom to Frankie, she had business back home that she had to be there for otherwise she'd have stayed. Walking over to Frankie on the bed, she sat next to her and took her hand.
"Frankie…I know you don't want to hear this but you need to. You're pushing Andrew away and it's not fair, he lost the baby too and he's hurting as much as you. He's trying really hard to hold it together for you but he needs you to start talking to him, otherwise you'll loose him forever." Donna finished but Frankie didn't respond, Donna sighed and kissed her friends head. "I'll call you when I get back."
Standing Donna left her and shut the door behind her, Andrew followed her out and she hugged him. "Good luck." She said touching his arm as she pulled away. "I'll call you when I get back, but call me if you need me." Donna hopped down the steps and got in her car, driving away.
For the first time since that awful night they were alone. He went inside locking the door as night fell.
Andrew went and sat at the table, putting his glasses on and reading. After a few minutes he sighed and took them off, putting them down. He got up and walked over to the door, knocking on it, he slowly stepped inside. "Frankie? I'm going to make dinner. You want to come help?"
"I'm not hungry." She whispered her voice crackly, "I'll make you something light." He tried, "you've got to eat." Again silence, he walked away leaving the door open, he sat down again at the table. She walked out, walking over to the counter, she got a glass of water and stood there. He couldn't take it anymore, the silence, the refusing to eat… it was too much for him.
He got up and went over to her turning her towards him. She flinched and pulled away. "Is that how it's going to be now?" He said angrily. "Frankie!" She went to walk away but he stopped her. "You need to eat."
"I'm not hungry."
"I don't give a shit." He said and took her to the fridge, he opened it and took out some meat on a plate he pushed it towards her. "Eat!"
She knocked it out of his hands and it smashed on the floor. "Frankie!" He angrily grabbed her arms. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He started, "I understand you're upset but I am too! For fucks sake Frankie, talk to me! What have I done? Am I that fucking useless?" He opened the flood gates. She went to walk away and he slammed her back against the fridge door, putting his hands either side of her head. She looked away. "Talk to me!" He shook her hard and she finally broke, weeks of hiding her pain…
She thrust his hands away and moved from under him, "this isn't about you Andrew!" She said angrily, "I'm hurting!"
"Don't you think I am too!" He said back.
"I lost our baby! Me! Not you!"
"I'm nothing anymore, I can't carry a child, my body will just kill it! How can I move on from this? Your better off finding someone who isn't broken!"
"Of course you can carry a baby! It wasn't meant to be Frankie! God…"
"Don't bring God into this." She started walking away, he grabbed her again.
"Get off me!" She tried to break free. He held tighter. "Don't walk away then, I'm not letting go till you speak to me properly!"
"Well how's this chat for you?" She yanked herself away and grabbed a bottle of wine, throwing it at the wall, "how about this chat?" She grabbed another bottle and threw it at the wall. "Shall I continue?"
She walked over to his papers and shoved them off the table, throwing them in the air, "you want to chat let's chat!" She growled, walking into the kitchen she grabbed a knife and walked into the bedroom flipping the light on, she grabbed the pillows on the bed slitting them, the blanket and tossed them down. He followed her shaking his head. "Frankie!"
"You wanted to chat how about we chat about how everything I ever wanted is gone! I had a baby growing inside me and it's gone!" She grabbed a baseball bat from the cupboard and walked to the lamp swinging and shattering it, Andrew shielded himself. "Or we can chat about feeling so ugly that I can't even look at myself in the mirror! Feeling like the most pathetic, disgusting fucking disappointment in the world!" She walked to the glass table and smashed it.
"For fucks sake Frankie!" He moved so as not to get hit with debris. "Stop it!" He raged. She walked over to the mirror and, smash, it was gone too. Walking into the kitchen she held the bat tight. Looking down at the bat she realised her hands were bleeding from the shards, her hands dropped the bat and she collapsed to the floor, staring at them, bits of broken glass sticking out the cuts. It was enough for her to break down in sobs. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" She asked not even sure if he cares anymore. "I wanted to be the perfect mother and look at me, I can't even keep a baby safe in my stomach." The blood spilled from her hands and dripped on the floor.
Andrew quickly grabbed some towels and knelt down in front of her wrapping her hands in them. There was a long silence as he put compression on them, "I don't know how to feel… I don't know what I'm supposed do now, where do we go from here! I'm so disgusted in myself I'm so fucking ugly and disgusting how can you touch me or be romantic with me ever again?" She sobbed. "It's all my fault, it's all my fault!" She repeated over and over.
He grabbed her and wrapped her in his arms, she wracked sobs over and over. "Shh…" he whispered, suddenly she pulled away and punched the units, repeatedly, "stupid, ugly, freak!"
"Frankie!" He grabbed her hands and looked her dead in the eyes. "It's not your fault my love..these things happen, it wasn't meant to be." He started, his own tears falling. "We can get through this I promise you, it will get easier, but you have to live, for me, for our life and our future." He started, "I love you so much, your not disgusting or ugly or any of those things… you're still my Frankie… my beautiful fiancé… my lover… I adore you." He leaned in slowly and gently, "don't be afraid anymore let me help you…" he kissed her ever so gently and she finally gave in allowing him back in.
"My beautiful Frankie." He said stroking her hair, he put his arms around her and stroked her back as she cried. Pulling her into his lap he held her against his chest, the emotion of it all too much for him. They both sat there crying tears of pain and tension that had finally been released in a fit of rage that left their cabin looking like it had been ransacked.
He pulled her legs over his and cradled her in his lap, wanting to take away her pain. "Shh…" he whispered through tears she looked up and he came down to her as they kissed passionately, tasting each others tears, he caressed her cheek pushing her hair back slowly. He held her tight just sitting there the silence for once not overbearing, she'd finally let all that pain go and the result was just an influx of tears for them both.
After a little while he took her hand and unwrapped the towel. He could see the tiny shards of glass still there and he knew he had to get them out before they got infected. "We need to sort this." He said lifting her up a little. He managed to push himself up off the floor and he bent down to pick her up under her legs. He took her to the table where the remnants of his papers laid. He grabbed his glasses and a pair of tweezers and some dressings, pulling up a chair between her legs. He pulled down her hand down to him and picked out the bits of glass whilst she sniffled. Still hurting both emotionally and physically.
Once he was sure there was nothing left he cleaned the wounds and dressed them. Finally he stopped and put the bits down on the table.
"I'm sorry." She whispered lifting his head up so their eyes would meet. "I'm sorry I didn't think of your feelings through this." He didn't say anything but stared into her eyes, "I know it must have been hard for you as much as it was for me… I pushed you away because I didn't know what to feel, not realising you were always there." She pushed herself off the table and walked away a little. He grabbed her wrist gently, "am I good enough for you?" He asked. "Am I enough? Am I too old for this? Was it my fault?" She shook her head, "no it wasn't your fault..and you are enough and no you're not too old…" she came back wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his chest. "You're perfect. This wasn't your fault, we're blaming ourselves…when it… it just happened…" he kissed her head and held her to him, he needed to hear that.
They stayed like that forever, in his mind and hers this moment never ended, it wouldn't ever end. They were both determined to make this work. She wouldn't ever give up on him and he wouldn't her, their love was bonded now by everything it could be. "I want to marry you." He said pulling back so he could see her face. "As soon as possible." He wanted her to be his in every way she could be, he wasn't going to let this ruin them. She felt the same and nodded, "let's do it."
He picked her up and twirled her around, happy, truly happy. Setting her down he softly stroked the hair from her eyes and leaned down, placing his lips on her softly, her breath sending shivers down his spine, her touch overwhelming him, their kiss passionately lasted longer and longer, she began to run her hands over his chest, up under his shirt, pushing it up over his head and off. He did the same for her, he wanted her so badly, he wanted to have sex with her to feel her again, to be inside her. Their passion was overwhelmingly strong but so delicate he pushed her back against the table, cradling her back so she didn't hurt herself or fall, she moaned in pleasure as he began to touch her body, her breasts. She hadn't felt so sexually aroused since it all, she didn't even feel beautiful.
"I didn't think you would ever want to touch me again, I thought my body wouldn't…. Wouldn't be sexy or attractive to you anymore…I feel so ugly for you." She couldn't have been more wrong, she was even more beautiful to him now than ever, if that was even possible.
"You're the most beautiful, most attractive, most amazingly hot lover I could ever want. You're as beautiful as the day I met you, when I raged internally, wanting to take you right there and then in that salon."
"I want you, I want your body and your heart and soul, your mine." He said.
"Do you want me?" She asked, "yes." He begged still staring up at her, "I want you all the time…"
"It's all yours." She said so in love with him in that moment.
They laid in silence, their heavy breathing the only sounds. "I'm tired." Frankie said turning around to him and putting her leg over his. "Sleep my love." He said pulling her head to his chest. He made slow circles on her back, their bodies entwined. "Sleep."
Hours later in the early morning sunrise, Frankie woke up and felt Andrew beside her, still holding her like he was afraid he'd loose her. She brought her hand up to his cheek and softly stroked it, she ran her hand through his hair and kissed him softly.
"I love you." She whispered, not thinking he was awake. He stirred and his hand came up to her hip, pulling himself closer to her. He opened his eyes and kissed her softly. "My Frankie."
She wanted to stay in his arms forever, to be one with him and never to be apart, "we should get up." She said and he agreed. Neither of them moved so she pushed him onto his back and straddled his waist. The sun shone through the window and lit her up like an angel, her hair softly swayed as she looked down at him, her hands on his chest. "My angel." He linked their hands, their fingers interlocked. "Frankie?" He asked softly she smiled. "Yes Andrew?"
"I think it's about time I met your family." Frankie sighed and dropped to his chest. He wrapped his arms around her. "And that you met mine." He finished.
"Do we have to?" She started, "I'll meet yours happily, but my parents are…" she looked for the right words. "Always busy." He sat her up and looked to her curiously, now sitting up and leaning back against the headboard he continued, "are they not around?"
"They travel…a lot! I don't think they will have time to come to the wedding."
"Wouldn't they want to see you get married?"
"Yes, but, she'd expect me to have a big lavish wedding so she could invite all her friends and take loads of pictures to show off…"
"What about your father?"
"He's very strict, he probably would have fit if he knew I was dating an ex priest."
"Why?" He asked brushing her hair back behind her ear.
"He wouldn't approve of your age and he'd think I shagged you into being untruthful to your faith… basically he thinks I do drugs, smoke too much and shag around."
"And you don't?" He winced as she hit him, laughing he grabbed her and hugged her. "I want to marry you as soon as possible, if you want them to come I'd love to meet them."
She again sighed and looked at him. "I'll try."
"And if he says anything I'll just say you shagged me into being untruth…" he didn't even finish before she whacked him with the pillow, not realising it was the one she slit with the knife feathers flew up and went everywhere. Frankie laughed and whacked him again more feathers everywhere. "Oh you've had it." He grabbed the other ripped pillow and began whacking her back, she jumped up and they hit each other with the pillows until they were empty.
"Race you to the shower." He said and she ran after him, laughing the whole time, it finally felt like the dark cloud that had been hanging over them had gone and Frankie and Andrew could finally just live, laugh and love…