Some of them had made it. And the Death Star was finally gone.
The heavy losses weighed terribly on him. Many of his fellow rebels had given their lives, and it tarnished his feeling of triumph. He had known perfectly and accepted beforehand that that would be the sad outcome, he wasn't naïve and unrepentantly optimistic like Luke.
What he didn't regret was being alive. Knowing that Jyn was waiting for him and that he was coming back to her diminished considerably any survivor guilt. Neither did he regret one bit Kay, Bodhi, Luke, Chewie and Han flying back home as well. He deemed himself undeservedly lucky, and if he had been a believer in the Force, he would have wondered why he had been spared, together with his best droid friend and a few others he'd come to appreciate (like Bodhi, Luke and Chewie) or, at least, respect reluctantly (like Han). Of course, there were other rebel friends who hadn't made it, but they hadn't ever had such an impact in his life. Even Han, with all his apparent nonchalance and annoying attitude, had earned a reticent place (with many reservations, of course) in his high estimation.
But a lot of others would never return. In war, no victory came without a high price.
Cassian couldn't bring himself to feel happy, not immediately after the battle at least. He rarely had rejoiced after a successful mission, especially if it had implied torturing, killing or seducing, what were the usual developments, because in the end, he'd always lost a bit more of himself in the process.
Kay, whenever he accompanied Cassian, had got used to his somber mood whenever a mission was finished, and allowed him his space. Homecoming was often a quiet affair.
That time it was not much of an exception, except for the fact that loving Jyn and knowing that she loved him in return made a difference. It was a great solace. He and Kay were in hyperspace isolation and he welcomed the silence. Right before making the jump, and after the initial shock of the massive blast that had pulverized the Death Star, in addition to checking on his alive squad mates, Cassian had sent Draven a message, asking him to inform General Leia of his and Kaytoo's survival as well as Bodhi Rook's, Han Solo's and Chewbacca's. Cassian knew that Leia wouldn't waste time rushing to convey the news to Jyn as soon as she found out, because even if both women hadn't met before yet, Leia knew how much important Jyn was to him and, even before he'd had time to ask for the favor, his friend had assured him that she would make sure that Jyn would know quickly if he, Kay, Bodhi or any of the others had survived.
Therefore, he was relieved that Jyn wouldn't be on pins and needles for longer than necessary. It must have been torture enough to keep waiting for hours on end without a single word about the battle.
Just thinking about his love, he felt much better and an excited shiver ran down his spine. Their incredible lovemaking session had replayed in his mind incessantly for the last days and had accompanied him on the whole flight to Scarif. Only when fully engrossed in the last details concerning the mission and focused on the thick of battle had he been able to distract himself from the memories of the most wonderful sexual experience of his life. Or it would be most appropiate to say that it had been the most wonderful experience of his entire life, sexual or of any other kind, period.
The both of them had expressed their mutual desire to be together. And when he'd declared that he was ready to devote himself to her fully, he'd been serious. He hadn't blurted that simply in the heat of the moment. It was true. He hadn't ever been truer. He was done with the Rebellion and only too willing to spend a new life with Jyn, wherever they chose. Cassian felt that he'd already fulfilled his duties towards the Rebellion. For five years, he had given his commitment, his skills, his body and his conscience for the cause. But his heart had always been exclusively his own. It was the only part of himself that he hadn't been willing to forsake.
So now that he'd been given another chance to start again, he would embrace it with open arms.
The trip back to Yavin IV from Scarif had gone excruciatingly slow. Cassian was eager to get back to Jyn, hold her tightly, kiss her in front of the whole base and share his dreams with her.
After a few hours had passed in the ship since the end of the battle and Cassian's grief for his dead comrades had calmed a bit, Kay had returned to being his usual snarky self; his limited ability to show tactfulness already used up until further notice. Cassian had chuckled to himself in fondness and felt much better. Nothing like the comfort of familiarity to put oneself back together. Besides, Kay had been an amazing and perfectly attuned partner in the mission and Cassian couldn't have counted on someone better. He was very grateful for the gift his droid friend was, and whatever had happened during the reprogamming that had resulted in that unique personality, Cassian wouldn't change a simple thing.
However, he was adamant not to let the sometimes annoyingly boastful droid know about the depth of his gratitude, lest he wouldn't ever see the end of it.
The hangar was crowded and the varied sounds of pilots jumping from their ships, laughter, cries, sobs and people hugging each other filled the ample space. There was a jubilant bustle Cassian had never known in such intensity, but mixed with it, the sorrow for the casualties also permeated the general air.
His stare scanned the compound until he spotted the very person he wished the most to see.
She had spotted him too, and her anxious face made his heart beat wildly in his chest. Force, she was so beautiful.
He jumped down from the ship into the sea of excited people. Some of them patted his shoulders and others hugged him. He smiled at them, a bit embarrassed by the attention, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Bodhi engulfed in a bear hug by Baze and Leia running to crush onto Luke, but then his eyes locked with Jyn's and everything else faded around him.
She mimicked Leia and ran to him, leaping into his arms and burying her face in his chest. "Cassian," she murmured as if she couldn't believe that he was really there. He felt her shake and realized that she was crying. "You've come back to me," she said between sobs, her voice muffled against the fabric of his flight suit.
"Of course I've come back to you, my love. It's all I could think of while flying to Scarif, and when we were in the thick of battle. You've guided me back home," he said almost reverently, wiping the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs.
Jyn laughed and kissed him, and he reciprocated instantly, in the middle of all the hustle. Cassian heard loud whistles and an all too familiar voice screamed Get a room, you two! He and Jyn smiled on each other's lips and blushed. How not, Han had to be the usual annoying ass he was, but in that occasion Cassian was too elated to get angry at the Corellian smuggler or to hold grudges.
He had everything he wanted and nothing else mattered.
"Come to my room, please," he asked, reluctant to remove his hands from her body. "I want for us to talk and a bit more privacy would be preferable. This is a madhouse," he teased.
"Okay. Let's go before the partygoers corner us," Jyn agreed. The crowd had started to gather bottles of strong liquors and glasses somewhere and were on their way to a raucous party. "Only to talk?," she added naughtily, in a sultry voice that made his cock stir.
"Oh, definitely not. I have a feeling that there will be other activities involved," he teased back, his skin already burning. He grabbed her hand eagerly and they navigated their way determinedly toward the entrance to the temple, ignoring the passing comments and Han shouting something vulgar at them.
One in his quarters, Cassian had to do a considerable effort not to ravish Jyn at that very moment. He had to focus on the topic at hand. "Jyn, we need to talk about our future. I'm ready to go wherever you go, if you want me in your life permanently. I'm yours. I love you," he almost babbled hastily. He hadn't felt so nervous ever, not even with Bix when they'd confessed their mutual feelings. The depth of his feelings hadn't been so abysmal, and besides Bix wasn't going anywhere and he wasn't about to leave behind everything for her.
Jyn rested both her hand on his cheeks and he drowned in the bright green of her irises. "I love you too. But are you sure you want to leave all this? That you won't miss the Rebellion? I'd hate for you to resent our relationship because you need the fight."
"I'm done with the fight. This kind of fight at least. There are other clandestine ways we can help and we'll find them, because I think that neither you nor I are the sort of people who turn a blind eye and anyway we won't be truly free until the Empire is defeated. I wish to go all the way with you without the constant threat hovering over us. I'd like our children to grow up without that fear, if we have them. Only if you want them, of course." He realized he'd been perhaps a bit too bold, he didn't know if Jyn was amenable to the prospect of having kids, but either way he would accept her decision. That wouldn't change his feelings for her.
Her eyes opened a bit wider. "Children, eh?," she asked with a smile and no hint of fear or rejection in her expression, only touched surprise. "I'd never given thought to having kids before, never thought it possible for me to become a mother, but now so many things have changed and with you, I don't feel any doubts. We'll see what happens in due time."
He took her hands and smiled widely. "Yeah, we'll see. I'm willing to try from now on," he said in a hoarse voice, letting the innuendo wash over her and reveling in her dilated pupils.
"Oh, it's a bit soon yet, but I wouldn't say no to practising thoroughly and dutifully until we feel it's the moment to let nature work its magic."
He lifted her by the backs of her legs and relished her heat against his hardness. "Oh, yeah. We'll need a lot of practice."
She laughed in delight and he carried her to the bed, where they lost in each other for the following hours, celebrating their own secret party. Or not so secret, among other things because Kay surely by then was complaining, in front of whoever was willing to listen to him, about being kicked out of his own quarters because of his partner's sexual needs, and Cassian could only imagine how he'd drone about detailed statistics concerning his hormones and his libido.
On that occassion, Cassian couldn't care less about his droid's big mouth.
He'd warned Kay beforehand not to set foot on their shared quarters until further notice. The droid had complained as fastidiously as ever, but Cassian knew that he could always count on his loyal friend.