Chapter 60

The reason

"Sanji, I'm sorry…"

"I knew it was only a matter of time, I don't blame them. Somehow, I'm even relieved. If something had happened because of the food, I'd feel really bad about myself. Maybe even more than now…"

Liam sat next to his companion on the stool in the kitchen of the blond's small house. The sun had risen shortly before and the scientist was heading down to the beach to check his alarms and sensors near the doors when he had seen light through the windows. He hadn't been able to stop himself from knocking on the door. He knew that Sanji was struggling to sleep in recent days and when he had entered, his ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts and his wrinkled clothes had confirmed that the cook had been up all night. Liam had sent him to take a shower before shoving a cup of coffee into his hands when he had returned.

Now, the fatigue was less visible but Sanji was still nervous and he got up after a few seconds to pace around. The scientist tried to soothe him again, "I'm sure Luffy is fine."

"I think so too, it'd be in the newspapers otherwise." The cook grabbed a cigarette and opened the window. The cool morning air entered the room and Sanji leaned down to protect the flame when he set his cigarette alight. He then took a long drag before sighing, his gaze drawn to the brightening sea below as the sun rose in the sky.

After a few moments of silence, he turned his attention back to the dozen newspapers on his worktop that he had bought and then looked through with Liam. Indeed, since that cursed day when he had learned of the death of Fire Fist Ace, the blond had never stopped gathering all the information he could to ensure that the Straw Hat Crew hadn't been in the middle of this war. This is how he had learned among all the articles reporting pirate attacks that a frigate carrying a menagerie had crossed paths with his friends a few weeks earlier. He had then discovered a new wanted poster accompanied by a brief summary describing the man who had taken over the position Sanji had left.

"He's from South Blue. He must know a lot about spices; I'm sure Franky and Robin-chan are delighted…"

Sanji turned the newspaper towards him and studied the concentrated face of the new Straw Hat's cook for another minute, exhaling smoke. The picture had been taken in the heat of the moment and the man was fixed on his enemy, his dark, curly hair plastered against his dark skin.

"He's an archer," Sanji murmured, observing his bow ready to shoot, a smile on his lips. "Luffy and Usopp are probably harassing him. And I can imagine Chopper and Brook being ecstatic too…"

Liam stood up and looked over his shoulder at the wanted poster in the blond's hands. "What do you think Zoro thinks of him?" He asked after a moment.

Sanji went silent for a second, his cigarette burning between his fingers before he grinned. "The mosshead… I think he's not doing him any favors. Firstly, because he's always suspicious of strangers and secondly, because he's a real pain in the ass, especially when it comes to food. He gulps down what you give him as if everything tastes the same…"

Sanji took a long drag on the rest of his cigarette butt, his gaze once again fixed on the piece of paper. "The captain obviously briefed him about food quantities and Nami-san about the budget. If he's with them, it's because he's worth it. Luffy never fails anyway…"

He blew out his smoke and stubbed out his cigarette with a shaky hand in the ashtray on the worktop, his face obscured by his hair. Liam put a loving hand on his then. "That doesn't mean they forgot about you. Luffy said himself that you'd always be part of his crew…"

"I know, Liam, and I mean it when I say I don't blame them." Sanji took one last look at the wanted poster before closing the newspaper. "I don't blame him either. He seems nice, it's written on his face. All I want…"

He shook his head and the dark-haired man waited patiently for him to elaborate on his thoughts. "All I want is no more tragedies. I want them to defend themselves better thanks to him. If something happens to them…"

The cook bit his lip, unable to continue, then glanced at the clock on the wall. "I'm gonna go to the restaurant to start lunch service," he decided.

"Already?" The scientist wondered, "It's still early, you could rest. Looking at you, I bet you didn't sleep all night."

The cook shook his head as he grabbed his jacket to put it on. "I'll be fine, I wanna test more cheeses. The ones we served were quite successful but they were classic recipes. I wanna see what we can do with more sophisticated preparations, the old geezer has some ideas. Then we'll need to select some and then Elio and Sam will also need to get used to them. It's gonna take some work."

Liam didn't insist, watching the blond close the window then put the stool away.

"I think I'll go back to Basterl this evening to show them my dishes," Sanji added. "You wanna come?"

"Sure, I have to show the plans of my devices to the university researchers. We'd like to cross some of our models."

"Perfect. See you tonight then."

Liam simply nodded and as he passed, Sanji didn't fail to place a quick kiss on his lips before closing the door behind him. The scientist remained alone for a few moments, following his companion with his eyes as Sanji walked in front of the window to reach the small dirt road which led to the All Blue until he disappeared around the corner of a house.

Liam turned his attention back to the pile of newspapers on the worktop then. He knew the blond well enough now to know that Sanji was trying to lock down his emotions relating to the latest events. And if the scientist believed him when the blond said that he wasn't angry about this new cook on the Sunny, Liam expressed much more reservations regarding Sanji's feelings about his captain's distress. Although he tried to deny it, Sanji was brimming with guilt and it was only a matter of time before this agitation caught up with him. The issues Liam had been sensing for weeks threatened to overwhelm the pirate with this incident and when it would happen, the scientist wasn't sure he would find the right words. Or even if he would be the right person. He didn't have any illusions. He knew what Sanji needed to hear but he wasn't sure he wanted to be the one to open the blond's eyes.

"Dammit!" Sanji put his finger to his lips, furious. The knife had cut his left index finger quite deeply and the pain made him wince. Across the kitchen, Zeff growled. "Focus, brat."

"No kidding."

The blond angrily put down his knife and turned on the cold water to rinse his wound. It wasn't serious but it was rare for him to be so clumsy and since the start of the day, it was already his third scratch. Furthermore, he had more or less managed the lunch service but he hadn't achieved what he wanted regarding his cheese recipes. Zeff had made most of them and it had reinforced the blond's inner turmoil. It was Sanji who was supposed to impress the cheesemakers to convince them to become his suppliers. This was why when Elio, Amy and Sam had taken their break before the evening service, Sanji had insisted on remaining in the kitchen while the old pirate had simmered several broths for the preparations to come.

After putting on a bandage, Sanji took his place again behind the worktop and began to whip the fresh goat's cheese in order to incorporate it with the tangy cream which would serve as a base for his cheesecake. A little earlier, he had cooked rolls with Maroille, chicken and peppers as well as salmon crépinettes with blue cheese. For his part, Zeff had made surprise gratin aumônières, wheat with radishes and horseradish and a gratin with Comté, Abondance and Cantal. So far, everything was perfect. The cheeses revealed their qualities and all their aromas when cooked, in salads or simply on a platter and Sanji was all the more determined to establish a partnership with the brothers he had met.

This satisfaction in mind, the blond's mind began to drift again in spite of himself while he incorporated the egg yolks and sugar into his preparation. He was now seeing the Sunny confronting officers of immeasurable power. Marines whose disproportionate weapons were firing in the direction of his crewmates who were trying to protect themselves. Terrifying devil fruit users who ripped apart their ship before wrapping themselves around the bodies of his friends to take them prisoner. An Admiral whose enormous hands pierced the straw hat boy's body who collapsed on the deck…

Sanji jumped violently, realizing that he was falling asleep. His spatula almost slipped from his hands but he caught it before it fell, out of breath. For days now, he had been battling against stubborn insomnia that kept him awake almost every night. His fatigue was clearly evident now and he knew that if he wasn't careful, he was going to make mistakes. Although he had been cooking automatically for years, his mind wasn't entirely focused on his task because of his exhaustion and stress, and he was not immune to making mistakes and thus wasting his dishes. Wasting food.

Brutally exhausted, Sanji put his ingredients and spatula back on the worktop. He was about to take a deep breath to calm himself when he suddenly felt tears burning his eyelids and he ran his hand over his face to wipe them away in disbelief. Was fatigue making him so vulnerable? He wasn't going to break down now!

"I'm taking my break, old man."

Zeff turned towards him, his eyebrows furrowed. "Your shortbread dough is still in the oven," he pointed out.

"Just take care of it; I need a smoke."

His eyes down, Sanji grabbed his jacket before striding towards the door and slamming it behind him a second later. He didn't see his mentor watching him attentively and then returning to work in silence.

Liam knocked on the All Blue kitchen door before carefully poking his head through. "I'm looking for Sanji, is he around?" He asked the other cook who was busy cutting vegetables. "There was a storm near Vorgo and I'll have to repair the stabilizer of the door; I won't be able to go to Basterl as we agreed."

"He's outside," Zeff replied, continuing his task without taking his eyes off it. "He wanted to take a break but it's been more than twenty minutes since he disappeared. His cheesecake will soon be ruined at this rate."

"Twenty minutes?" The scientist bit his lip, visibly hesitating, and his hand on the kitchen door tightened before he sighed. "Maybe I should go talk to him…"

"He needs to be alone."

The dark-haired man froze at these words. "Did he say something?"

"He didn't, but I know this kid. Leave him be. He'll come back when he's ready."

Liam stared at the old cook for a moment and the man finally raised his head to meet his gaze. The scientist turned his own away then. "Okay. Just tell him I won't be able to go."

He let the swing doors fall in reverse as he disappeared and Zeff shook his head while he returned to his work. He was beginning to have an idea of the evil that was gnawing at his protégé and he knew that the scientist had sensed it too. Ever since Sanji had returned from Basterl after meeting those cheesemakers, he had been in a daze. The old cook had quickly understood why when Liam had slipped him the newspaper reporting the death of a famous pirate. Monkey D. Luffy's brother had told the scientist.

Zeff finished cutting his vegetables for the evening soup and washed his hands before grabbing a cloth and wiping them. He briefly glanced out the window and saw the figure of the blond still standing near the cherry tree. Sanji had his shoulders down and was running a hand on his face regularly, his cigarette between his fingers. If he didn't know him so well, the old pirate might have thought he was crying.

In the end, Zeff turned away and took out of the refrigerator the fruits he had selected earlier for today's desserts. What he had told Liam was true: he knew that when Sanji would have regained control of himself, he would come back. The blond had always been like this. He wore his emotions on his sleeve and more often than not, they crushed him because he refused to listen to them. This idiot still didn't understand who he was.

When Sanji actually reappeared about ten minutes later, he rushed to his post without a word, his eternal cigarette butt at the corner of his lips. Zeff let him finish his cheesecake and took the opportunity to turn around and observe him frankly, his arms crossed over his chest. Cooking had always enlightened this skinny kid he had taken in one stormy night and despite the alerts he had seen in the nearly two years that Zeff had been on the All Blue at his side, Sanji's passion had remained the strongest. Until now. Although he tried not to let himself go, the blond was withdrawing into himself. He who constantly shined in the presence of people was fading away. His smile was no longer as sincere and his hunched back made him look sick. Not to mention his red eyes whose Zeff couldn't ignore anymore. Ultimately, this attitude annoyed him.

"Is that about your crew? Are you missing them?" He asked in a gruff voice. Sanji jumped and turned towards him, his spoon in hand. "What are you mumbling about, old man?"

"I'm asking you if you miss your stupid friends so much that you forget your feet are soaking in the All Blue."

The blond gritted his teeth and looked down. "I'm not forgetting anything at all, you old geezer."

"Why do you seem to want to get away from the one place you've been looking for all your life then?"

Sanji finally raised his head to gaze into the eyes of the man he considered his father. Zeff looked back at him and the young cook ended up looking away.

The blond knew what was going on inside of him despite appearances. He knew that guilt and remorse had been eating away at him ever since he had learned of the death of his captain's brother. He had tried to push these thoughts away by remembering the choice he had made almost two years ago, that of remaining on the All Blue. Sanji remembered perfectly that he hadn't made this decision randomly. When he had discovered it, All Blue was defenseless and the prospect of seeing this ocean with his own eyes had kept him alive for so long that it seemed legitimate to give it a little of himself in return. He didn't regret it. He had given his word to its inhabitants without a second thought. He would never have been able to turn his eyes away from their misfortune and resume his journey.

It was no less true that the cook felt like he was quite selfish. His crewmates risked their lives every day on a raging ocean in pursuit of their respective dreams while he quietly enjoyed his own. Luffy had offered him the journey and when Sanji had found what he was looking for, he had left his captain to face the rest of the crossing alone.

Sanji had never ignored that staying on this island created a dilemma within him, but he had made a choice. And he had tried to accept this choice every day for two years without ever completely succeeding. Perhaps this was the normal course of things, he thought bitterly. Perhaps this was the price to pay when you realize your dream. Yearning for a past life while sincerely rejoicing about the one he was building. Eternally caught in the crossfire.

"I'm not sure," he admitted quietly.

"You don't know or you don't wanna know?" The old cook replied, "I tell you what, you idiot. If you keep this up, your food will suffer and there's no way you're gonna lower the standard of this restaurant. Everyone worked too hard."

"I know how to cook, old fossil." Sanji got annoyed, "No matter what happens, I know how to balance things!"

"Wrong. Cooking is a matter of passion. If your morale declines, your cooking will lose flavor. That's how it is and you know it."

"What can I do about it then?!" The blond was suddenly furious, "I've already sacrificed everything for this fucking dream; what more can it possibly want from me?!"

At these words, Sanji stared at his mentor, as horrified as he was stunned by his own words. They had been out before he even had time to understand their meaning and he struggled for a second to regain his breath. Facing him, Zeff simply looked at him in silence. He then turned away to grab a knife which he wiped on his apron before putting it away.

"You have the right to want to leave, you moron."

"I-I don't! Why would I? It's my dream to be here!" The blond reminded him, caught off guard. "The All Blue has been my whole life since day one and you know it better than anyone! I don't know why I said that! It's… It's because of what happened to Ace, I haven't slept for days…"

Zeff continued tidying up in silence and the cook suddenly swallowed.

"I know you're… mad at me." The old pirate turned in his direction again, clearly surprised, and the blond grabbed the edge of the counter behind him to give himself courage. "I know you're mad at me for what happened to the Baratie and if this is your way of making me pay for it, I can understand but-"

"What are you talking about now, you fucking idiot?" His mentor cut him short, frowning.

"Let me continue for once! We've been avoiding the subject for weeks but we'll have to talk about it eventually!"

Zeff didn't reply, but his eyebrows furrowed even more and his face hardened. Sanji forced himself not to look down.

"I'm sorry that the Baratie burned down. I'm sorry that I dragged you into this and that because of me, you lost your restaurant. I remember now what you said when I came to get you. You told me 'People change'. I understand now. You didn't really wanna come on the All Blue and even though I don't know why, you ended up going because I wouldn't stop. So I'm sorry. Sorry for ruining your life. Once again…"

"Is that it? Are you finished?"

Zeff was furious now and Sanji lowered his eyes. He was ready for the earful that Zeff should have given him a long time ago.

"You're really just a brat who always thinks he knows everything, you don't change!" His old mentor roared before turning abruptly towards his worktop to grab a cloth and wipe the spatulas which were drying on the drainer. After a few seconds of silence though, he spoke again. "So, you remember when I saved your ass from drowning and my dream was to find the All Blue?"

Sanji didn't reply, he just lowered his head a little more even though the other cook couldn't see him. Of course he remembered that old fool's dream. It was what had brought them together and kept him alive today.

"Well, that's just part of the story, kid. You don't know the rest, so you feel the need to start imagining things."

The blond carefully raised his head, wary, and Zeff grabbed another spoon to put it away. All anger had suddenly disappeared from his voice.

"If you must know, that day my dream changed because of a kid who didn't even know how to swim. I decided to open the best restaurant in the East Blue and this idiot tagged along with me all the way. And then one day, he left, like the ungrateful boy he had always been. And even later, he came back. He had fulfilled this dream that had linked us and I've never been happier to have made this decision all those years ago. Because realizing your dream is good, but seeing your kid carry and accomplish it, it's better."

Sanji felt his eyes fill with tears in the unreal silence of the kitchen that followed and he closed his eyes for a second to try to keep control of his emotions. With his back to him, Zeff continued to quietly put away his utensils and the blond was grateful the man couldn't see him when two shiny tears slid down his cheeks.

"Don't make me laugh with your apologies about the Baratie. Of course this restaurant-ship is important but if you think a pirate never loses anything in exchange for what he asks, prepare to get nothing. You make choices, you win or you lose and start again; that's life."

Sanji wiped his eyes angrily before shaking his head to compose himself. The Baratie had been the first place he had felt at home and he would never forget it either.

"I know everything we can lose, senile old man," he replied in a hoarse voice, his throat tight. "You have no idea how much I know that…"

Zeff just nodded and grabbed the last cutlery. "Don't forget what I told you then, little brat: you have the right to want to leave. Just find something worthwhile and you won't regret it."

Sanji crossed Basterl's port towards the cheese brothers' shop without looking around, totally lost in his thoughts. Night was falling and with his dishes secured in his arms, he hoped he wouldn't arrive too late to let them taste what they had cooked.

Since the conversation he had had with Zeff a few hours before, his words resonated in his head as much as in his heart. It was as if a whole part of him had come out of the shadows and he couldn't believe that he owed it to this bad-tempered guy who also was his mentor for catalyzing the revelation he had had a few moments later.

He remembered now. When he had promised the people of All Blue to help them develop, he had never considered staying forever. He had planned to start a restaurant, ensure their safety… and then leave. But All Blue had demanded an unexpected sacrifice from him that had changed everything: All Blue had asked him to sacrifice his relationship with Zoro.

When he had promised the swordsman not to wait for him, Sanji had chained himself to the island. And even if he decided to leave today, he had given his word to the fencer that he would make his life far from him. If he suddenly returned to the Sunny, wouldn't he break Zoro's balance? Was he going to undermine his will which Sanji had made waver without even realizing it? The blond knew he couldn't bear it if he became the reason for Zoro's downfall, even unwillingly. The swordsman's dream was worth all the renunciations and the one he had agreed to wasn't to question. He wouldn't take the risk. So he wouldn't come back to the Sunny but he could still imagine new possibilities and this perspective already gave him back some strength.

"So, Blondie, are you in a hurry? Your arms were so full last time, I knew you'd come back around here to do your shopping one of these days."

Sanji paused when he realized that a man was blocking his path. He had arrived at the end of the port and was about to enter the city center but now four guys were staring at him and he frowned. He felt like he knew them.

"Don't you recognize us?" The one who seemed to be their leader continued, "You threw us out of your ridiculous diner in the middle of the All Blue last time."

"The bastard who tried to blame my waitress for a free meal," Sanji instantly remembered as anger simmered within him at the memory. "What do you want? Wasn't' last time enough?" He added, his eyes brimming with disgust.

"I didn't like your attitude at that time," the man replied flatly. "You wanted to act like a white knight for this lousy girl but by chance, our paths crossed again today and you're gonna pay for this."

"Don't you dare badmouth Amy, you piece of trash." The blond hissed while his eyes flashed, "You're not even worthy of kissing her feet!"

The cook took a step forward, furious, and the man burst out laughing. "How come? You switched teams? I was told you liked it with guys! Right… Sanji?"

The blond froze before gritting his teeth. That was it, someone had recognized him. He had almost come to believe that he would manage to leave All Blue without ever having been spotted in all this time…

"I can't believe it; those guys were right," the man commented, studying his reaction with interest. "You really are the former cook of the Straw Hat Pirates!"

"Who told you?" Sanji wanted to know. The man shrugged his shoulders mockingly. "What does it matter? Looks like your friends aren't here to defend you while I, on the other hand, have even made other friends."

At these words, around twenty men armed with objects, each more threatening than the other, came out of the shadows of the adjacent street and Sanji immediately stood on his guard. The men facing him were weak but the newcomers had arguments that risked bothering him given their number and build.

"Hey, Sanji, was it your swordsman who ended up leaving you on this godforsaken ocean or was it your captain who got tired of seeing you suck his dick? Don't worry. If it makes you happy, I'll give you mine!"

The man laughed loudly a few centimeters from his face and Sanji just stared at him impassively before he sneered.

"For that, you'll need to have one."

The cook saw the man's eyes tinge with rage and he braced his right foot to defend himself, determined. Behind him, the henchmen moved closer and waved their weapons.

Sanji spat out his cigarette and glared defiantly at them. He was ready.

Musical inspiration for the kitchen scene: Faded - Alan Walker

Some pieces of the puzzle are starting to come together, I hope you enjoy it.

Did you guess what the next chapter will be? A special narration with an alternating point of view of Sanji and Zoro during their fight!