"Kim please don't do this! I love you!" Adam screamed tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry it's too late. It's done!" Kim slammed the door.
Kim awoke dripping with sweat, soaked from another nightmare. 13 years later and she was plagued by nightmares of that day. That's right it's July 2022. Kim noticed her daughter sleeping next to her. She's not sure when Allie came in but she was peacefully sleeping next to her. Kim got up from her bed and made her way to the bathroom to wash up and change out of her soaked clothes. As she returned to bed to snuggle up next to her daughter. Kim started at the window watching the ocean flow dreaming of better day. She felt her daughter stirring. "Allie are you ready to get up?" Kim whispered trying not to startle Allie awake. "Yes mommy. We have to go see the big red chair and then for donuts!" Allie giggled as she sat up stretching her little body.
"Okay well let's get moving. Go to the bathroom, potty and brush your teeth. Then get dressed so we can go." Kim got up again noticing Allie hadn't moved much. "Mommy? Did you have a bad dream again? The bed is wet?" Allie knew about Kim's past, vaguely but she knew. She also knew about the nightmares. "Yes I did baby. But it wasn't the really bad one. It was just the just the sad one. But let's get going." Kim hurried her out the door. As she Kim got ready she tried to shake the nightmare, shake the imagines in her mind.
Kim met Allie in the kitchen watching her grab water bottles from the fridge. "Ready to go girly?" Kim asked as she took the water bottle from her hands. "Yes! I can't wait!" Allie was jumping up and down. Luckily they were on the first floor so it wasn't bothering anyone. They headed out the door and down the flight of stairs to their storage room to grab the jogging stroller. Allie was almost 6 but they used it when crossing the busy roads or when she just got too tired to continue with the run.
"Okay remember the rules. Stay close by, in the stroller when we cross the busy roads and stay on the inside of the path way. Now let's head out!" Kim says as she starts the jog. As they made their way to the main road Kim tried to keep a slower pace as Allie was still young and her legs were tiny. As the reached to the boardwalk Allies excitement was boiling over. The big red chair as she called it was a tradition on their first day of vacation. She would always pose in front of it to see how much she grew over the last year.
As they reached the chair Allie ran towards it yelling the whole time. "Mommy come on!" Kim just laughed as she came up behind her. They posed for pictures in front of the chair and on top of the seat. They made funny faces in some and serious faces in others. Neither aware of someone watching them. They were just happy to goof off. Allie was growing restless and hungry. "Mommy can we go get our donuts now?" Allie batted her eye lashes at Kim. Kim just laughed, she could never say no to those eye lashes. "Come on let's start walking. I can smell them already." Kim held out her hand as they started walking towards the donut shop.
As they got to the main walk way again Kim was looking down as her daughter when she heard someone call her name. She was shocked in surprise. "Kim Burgess right?" The man asked. Kim couldn't believe it. He was pushing a stroller with a little boy who looked 2 maybe. "OMG Adam? Adam Ruzek?" Kim shook her head in disbelief. Adam nodded his head before Kim ran into his arms sobbing. He wrapped his arms around her crying as well. "I'm so sorry Adam! I'm so so sorry!" Kim continued to sob into his chest. She felt him rubbing her back.
He pulled away slightly to look down at her. "It's okay. I understand. I didn't then but as I got older I truly understood why you push me away. It's okay." Adam tried his best to soothe her. "I can't believe it's really you! This is real right?" Kim asked as she stared at his eyes. "Yes it really is. I can't believe I found you again. And here of all places." Adam pulled her back into his chest. "Mommy I'm hungry!" Allie spoke up interrupting the moment. "I'm sorry hunny! Yes we will go get them in just a few minutes. Okay? Can you say hi to mommy's friend Adam?" Kim pointed to Adam. "Hi I'm Allie. Were you friends with mommy before the bad man hurt her? She talks about a man named Adam in her sleep sometimes." Allie had no idea that she was giving away private info.
"Um yes. I knew your mommy back then. And it's very nice to meet you. Would you like to meet my son Riley?" Adam shook her little hand before pointing towards the stroller. Allie nodded and walked towards the stroller. "Hi Riley I'm Allie!" She waved at him. He was shy though and only half smiled. "So I know you have to go but I would really love to catch up." Adam stated. "Well this might be forward and I don't want to get you in trouble with your girlfriend but do you want to come with us to get donuts and then we could go home and talk?" Kim asked nervously. "I would love that and just for the record, no girlfriend, no wife. Just me and my son. So we would love to join you." Adam winked at Kim watching her blush.
"Okay so Allie let's head to the donut shop and you can take Adam to see the donuts being made." Kim said excitedly. She was thrilled with how things were going so far. "Well I can't wait. I love donuts!" Adam followed their lead and heading towards the shop that was only a few feet away. Allie explained how to order the donuts since you could pick any combination of glazes and toppings and then she proceeded to take him to watch the donuts being made. Even telling him to lift Riley so he could see it too. It was absolutely adorable watching them together.
"Let's stop and grab a good coffee before we head back to our condo. It's close by. And you should recognize the center it's in." Kim smiled as they headed towards the coffee shop. "So do you guys come here often? To the beach I mean." Adam asked not sure what to talk about trying to avoid the elephant in the room so to speak. "Yeah we come here every year this same week. Some years we come a few times a year. What about you?" Kim answered as they walked towards the familiar center. "This is actually my first time back here. I want to create new traditions with my son. And I have really good memories here, you know." Adam look at Kim wistfully.
Kim looked away ashamed of what she created by her own actions. She didn't have time to dwell before he started to rub her back again. He knew she was beating herself up. They arrived at the shopping center and Kim watched Adams face as he realized where they were. They ordered coffee and headed back to Kim's condo. Allie was chattering away telling Adam all about her life. They arrived out front and started up the stairs. "It's a nice place you have here." Adam said as they walked into the screened in porch. "Thanks we love it here. Make yourself at home." They sat around the table getting ready to eat their still very hot donuts.
"Let me get some forks. They are still really to hot for the kids to eat." Kim moved to the kitchen quickly. Being this close to Adam was making her mind spin. She returned to the table and cut up Allies donuts and helped her to cool them so she could dig in. She loved her donuts. Adam was helping Riley but he eyes kept looking over towards Kim. He still couldn't believe he was here with her again. The kids finished quickly and started to play games before they crashed out for a nap. The kids were put in beds and Kim and Adam headed to the porch to talk. It was much needed and hopefully give them some closure.
"So I know this conversation is long over due but I really need to apologize and explain. You are owed that and should have been given that then." Kim started to talk but knew it would be hard for both of them. "Kim you really don't need to apologize, really. But I would like to know what happened then and over the past 13 years. So please tell me." Adam somewhat pleaded not realizing how badly he wanted answers.
"Okay so you know that I was raped. That he squeezed my throat as I begged for things not to happen. I promised to be a good girl. I promised to leave you. Anything so he didn't rape me. But he said he was taking what he wanted since I wouldn't give it to him. He raped me anally. I had anal tearing afterwards." Kim stopped needing tissues. Adams hand was resting on her knee trying to comfort her. "Afterwards I felt broken, dirty, disgusted, angry. I couldn't sleep. Closing my eyes gave me flashbacks. I couldn't eat. After several weeks I was hospitalized. Therapy wasn't working so I turned to alcohol and pot to cope with what happened to me. No one knew, I kept it hidden well. I didn't return to school that year at all. I did all my work at home and took tests at school with the teacher and my parents." Kim blew her nose and took a sip of her drink before continuing.
"I had to testify against my rapist. The ADA refused to offer him a plea deal after finding out he was a registered sex offender from Ohio who didn't register in Illinois. It was almost 9 months after the rape when I went to court to testify. After it was over I went to the park across the street and got stoned and wasted. I must have passed out because I woke up in a holding cell. I was arrested for public intoxication. Hank Voight was outside the cell getting them to drop the charges since I was a rape victim and had just testified against my rapist. They let me go with the condition that I went to rehab.
Voight didn't agree but told them I would go to rehab. He however gave me a choice rehab or therapy. Since therapy wasn't working for me he took me to a support group. That day things started to get better. I finally found people who truly understood what happened to me because it happened to them too. He took probably 4 years before I tried to date again. It's hard since I still have nightmares and I have intimacy issues. Anyway I went to college, Northwestern, I met Allies father. We dated, obviously had a child but we were better as friends. We share custody but I have primary custody. I have a job I love and I'm doing well now. But the nightmares are still there and the intimacy issues are still there. I'm still in therapy, I still have ptsd. But I do everything I can to support my daughter." Kim stopped talking afraid to look at Adam.
"Kim. I just don't know what to say. I can't believe how much you have been through. I knew things were bad but I didn't know it was that bad. I'm sorry for everything that you went through. I wish I could have been there for you but I understand why you pushed me away, I really do. I honestly never stopped thinking about you and wondering what happened to you. If you were okay. As you can tell I did try to move on but no one ever got me like you did. I have so much more I want to say but I don't want to scare you off." Adam held out his hand hoping she would take it. "Kim. I know this is crazy but I want to try again. I weirdly feel whole just holding her hand, sitting next to you. I want to protect you and your daughter. I want to love you again like I always have. My heart feels something it hasn't in 13 years and it's all because of you. I know it won't be easy and I know we still have a lot to discuss and work through but I really want to try. Can we start with this week and see how it goes?" Adam asked almost scared of the response.
"I would love to yes but we still need to talk about some important things. Like Riley's mom. Allies father. How they fit in. My intimacy issues because believe it's a big issue that no one has wanted to stick around for. Can you forgive me for what I did? Because most days I can't forgive myself. If after talking about all the issues if you still want to try I will say yes. But I need you to understand it won't be easy at all. Some days will be dark as hell but they are few and far in between." Kim wasn't sure how he would feel about that.
"First off Rys mom she's totally out of the picture. We dated for a few years. When I joined the academy she flipped out, she didn't want me to be a cop. We fought like crazy. One day I came home and all her stuff was gone. We didn't live together but she kept stuff at my place. I changed the locks and moved on. Two weeks before graduation I came home to find Riley at my door in his car seat with very little else. I freaked out, called my folks who helped me buy the things I needed for him and helped me get a bigger place. They still watch him while I work. I filed for sole custody and won and she lost any and all parental rights going forward." Adam was firm in his explanation about his ex being a non issue.
"Allies dad. I would love to meet him. I want to have a good relationship with him so he can all raise our kids together, I don't want everyone fighting it's not healthy for the kids or for us. I 100% forgive you for what you did! You did what you needed to do and I get it. I don't blame you at all. Never did. Lastly your intimacy issues, we definitely need to talk more so I understand the boundaries. I don't want to violate them. But I would like you to explain them more so maybe we can work through them. Okay?" Adam wasn't sure what her issues were, he could only imagine but he didn't really care he just wanted Kim back.
"Okay. So this is awkward and uncomfortable to talk about just so you know. Touching my throat with your hands is a very big trigger for me. I can't do anything anally, the thought brings up panic already." Kim paused while she tried to steady her breathing. Adam pulled her into a hug trying to help calm her. "I have never had sex sober and I always have nightmares afterwards. I can't even let people touch my breast or vagina while sober. It's really uncomfortable for me because I always get scared that I will be raped again. I know it's irrational but it's how my mind works anymore. I wish it were different. But this is me." Kim looked up and saw nothing but love in his eyes.
She had no idea why but she leaned up to kiss him. It was soft and sweet and ended way too quickly for either of them. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that." Kim tried to pull away but Adam was t having it. "Yes you should have and I'm so glad you did. I would like to do it again but it sounds like the kids are up." Adam laughed as the kids wandered into the porch area. "Excuse me why are you two awake already? That was not a very long nap at all." Kim asked somewhat sternly but the smile on her face said otherwise. "Riley was scared and couldn't sleep more so we came to find you." Allie stayed as she crawled into Kim's lap. "Okay Ry come here and snuggle up. You can nap on my chest for now." Adam picked up and cuddled him. Ry was asleep in seconds.
"Okay Allie lets get you back to bed for a bit. You still need some sleep." Kim exited the porch with Allie in her arms. She was back less than 10 minutes later. "She's out cold again. You want to talk a bit more?" Kim wasn't t sure if he was still interested in talking especially after her last confessions. "Yeah let's keep talking. I think we still have more to say especially me. I need you to know how I feel about everything you told me. Before I start though I want you to understand it doesn't scare me at all. I will do what ever it takes to make us work. 13 years Kim and no one has made me feel like this. So I'm all in, you are never getting rid of me again." Adam squeezed her hand. He wanted to kiss her again but he had a sleeping child on his chest.
He adjusted slightly so he could see Kim better. "So what you told me breaks my heart more than I could ever explain. I hate that your sense of safety was taken away from you. And I hate that you can't be intimate without alcohol. I feel like you have no idea how amazing it can be. I want that for you, for us. I want you to feel comfortable in your own skin. And I will do anything to help you get there. Whatever it takes I'm here." Adam was in tears and so was Kim. His heart broke for her. He couldn't even imagine how hard this was for her. And to be so exposed emotionally right now broken him even more.
"Thank you for everything! It means a lot that you want to try to go down this journey with me. No one has ever cared enough." Kim sobbed as she squeezed his hand wishing so much they were alone. "Oh and the nightmares and flashbacks. I'm not leaving you during them. A nightmare I will hold you tighter and a flashback I will sit with you and protect you till it passes and then I will hold you tight. You never have to go through the dark days alone again. You, me, Allie and Ry, we are a family from here on out." Adam pulled Kim into his side to snuggle her best he could.
Neither said a word, the moment was perfect and they were happy. Kim closed her eyes and just savored the moment. She actually felt somewhat whole again. She felt more alive but was scared it was a cruel joke. The time moved by slowly but that was okay, it was perfect. When Riley started to wake they noticed he started to snuggle even closer into Adams chest. "Daddy. I have to potty." Riley was awake now and needed his daddy's help. Adam looked over at Kim and Kim got up and showed them to the bathroom. Allie was awake by this point and Kim decided it was beach time.
"Okay Allie get ready so we can head to the beach, Okay? Adam you and Riley are more than welcome to join us. We have a tent set up daily while we are here for shade and we have plenty of space." Kim hoped he would join. "I would love that but our stuff is at the rental. So how about I go get those things and come back to join you?" Kim smiled wide at Adams words. "Okay we will meet you there." Kim pointed to the beach access area so he knew where to go. "Okay we will see you shortly." Adam kissed Kim on the forehead before heading out.
Kim and Allie got ready and headed towards the beach. Kim made sandwiches, cut up fruit and veggies and brought drinks. Everything they needed for a long day at the beach. The girls were playing in the water when the boys showed up. Adam was shocked when we saw Kim in the water. He never imagine she would have such a small bathing suit on given her issues but maybe that was just how she dressed at the beach only. He tried not to stare to much hoping that she wouldn't get uncomfortable.
As the boys walked closer Kim saw Adam and burst into the widest smile. He had definitely been working out a ton and had a pretty amazing looking 8 pack and a very defined v line. "Hey guys! The water feels amazing." Kim was blushing from the gaze Adam was shooting her way. "Looks good. It's been forever since I have been in the ocean. Last time was with you." Adam winked watching Kim swoon. They brought both of the kids further into the water careful not to get water in their faces. Both adults completely surprised that Riley wasn't really enjoying the waves. They decided to head back to the tent for a little while and try again later.
The kids built sand castles and dug holes in the sand. Both were having a good time, giggling and laughing. Kim and Adam were watching them bonding. The adults got up and threw around a ball as they kept an eye on the kids. Eventually Kim took both kids back to the condo to potty before heading back down to have lunch. Both kids wanted to go back into the water after lunch and they both enjoyed this time. As it got closer to dinner time both kids were wiped out already. They decided to allow the kids to take short nap before Kim headed back to start dinner.
Tradition was to have a seafood dinner and while Kim was positive that Adam would eat that she didn't think Riley would. Allie would eat pretty much anything so she wasn't an issue. Kim had ordered a steam pot with enough food for three adults and also had some chicken nuggets and fries delivered. As dinner got closer to being ready Adam returned with the kids. "Hey dinner smells great. What are you cooking?" Adam asked as he kissed her cheek. He was conscious about kissing Kim in front of the kids especially Allie. He wasn't sure how she would respond and he felt like they should tell Allies dad before they tell the kids.
"Well we do steam pots on day one. So it's shrimp, clams, crab legs, potatoes and corn. And I got chicken nuggets and fries for Riley just in case. I hope that's okay with you." Kim asked as she worked on adding the shrimp to the pot. It took the shortest time to cook. "Yeah that works for me. You may have to teach me to crack the crab legs though." Adam admitted not having done it before. "Oh of course I will teach you!" Kim winked before handing Adam a drink. "Get the kids drinks and can you set the table please?" Kim asked with a eye lash flutter. "Of course darling!" Adam smirked knowing Kim would be going nuts over the nickname being used.
As they sat around the deck table Kim placed all the dishes before this newly formed family. "This looks amazing Kim. Thank you for cooking and for inviting us to dinner. Ry can you Thank Kim for dinner?" Adam nudged him trying to teach him good manners. "Tank you!" Riley almost yelled as he giggled seeing his nuggets and fries. "You are very welcome sweetie!" Kim sat down and started to pass the food. Kim helped Allie get her plate and cut up her food before starting on her own plate. She also helped Adam with cracking his crab legs. Laughing when he look horrified by the mess it made. "It's a mess, yes but it's so worth it. You can wash up afterwards!" Kim laughed at him harder as he tried to keep it clean.
After dinner Adam cleaned up the kitchen and ran the dishwasher and Kim took the kids to play a game in the porch area. Adam smiled listening to his son laughing while playing with Kim and Allie. He realized this is what a family feels like. His son never had this and here they were spending time as a family. The family he always hoped for with Kim. He got the garbage together and decided to take it out for Kim knowing it would reek in the morning. Kim couldn't help but smile when she watched Adam taking the trash out for her.
When he returned he joined in the game they were playing. They decided to take the kids for ice cream later on and take a photo in the same spot from their first date. As they walked towards their destination they enjoyed simple conversation about the area and how it's changed over the years. Kim suggested going to the town park before heading for ice cream so they could get more energy out. The small second nap definitely created some sleep issues that was for sure. So the park would help burn the energy and get them in to bed at a decent hour. Kim had hoped she and Adam could talk a bit more before he headed back to his place.
She wanted to know more about Adams life over the past 13 years. She knew he dated, had a child and he mentioned being in the academy so she was curious where that left him. As the sun started to set Kim and Adam started heading towards the water front with the kids in tow. They posed in the exact same spot as before and then posed with the kids. To the outside world they looked like a normal family. And the both felt oddly happy about that. When ice cream had been finished they started to head home. They decided that Adam should take Riley back to place he rented since all his stuff was there. Kim was disappointed but understood.
"Well goodnight Riley. Sleep tight sweetie! Maybe I will see you tomorrow." Kim kissed his little chubby cheeks before standing up and looking at Adam with a smile. "Good night Allie cat! Sleep well little darling!" Adam kissed her head before returning to Kim. "Good night my darling! Thank you today and I can't wait to see you again. This has been absolutely amazing!" Adam said as he looked lovingly in to her eyes. "Good night baby! I'm so happy we found each other again. Call me later?" Adam nodded as he leaned in to kiss Kim's lips. Allie wasn't looking so the timing was perfect. Kim blushed as she waved bye.