"I can't believe we're going home already." Natasha tells Clint.
"I know, right!" Clint responds. "It's hard to believe we have literally been offworld for nearly a month."
"It's insane, I know!" She responds.
"When Fury hired me, I had no idea things were going to escalate this much." Clint reclines in the fancy alien seat in the vibrant mess hall on the luxury drop ship, provided by the Nova Corp.
"This is so wild." Natasha pulls his drink closer to him, and takes a sip. "Nothing is going to be the same after this."
"You're telling me!" Clint looks around at their surroundings. There are multiple Wakandan warriors, who opted to take the long voyage home. Surprisingly that is the least interesting thing to look at. Even the warriors seem fascinated and relaxed in their unique surroundings.
"Laura is going to hate me for this." Clint takes a sip of his drink. He does not notice a flicker of guilt flash across Natasha's eyes. "I mean, look at this." His eyes dance around the room then back to his drink. "I'm drinking alien beer!" He takes another large drink. "This is beer, isn't it?"
"That's how Fury described it." Natasha responds. He takes a somewhat large drink himself, worried he should hold back. It bothers him that he is still a little self conscious about how hard it is to break old habits. The thought that he is not a woman anymore and doesn't have to worry as much about lowering his guard still bugs him. 'After all this time, it still stings.' He thinks.
"I've been meaning to talk to you about that." Clint says, before taking another swig, and leaning back in. "Don't you find it strange that Commander Fury seems so comfortable and familiar with all this?"
Natasha snaps out of his train of thought to concentrate. "Actually, yeah! I noticed that." Clint leans backward knowing there will be more follow up. "When we were on Xandar, I noticed he knew his way around the city a little too well. He didn't seem surprised by anything, and back when this all started, he said something about being back on Earth."
"Back on Earth?" Clint sits up. "You don't think he's been out here the whole time, do you?"
"I don't know, but it would explain where he's been." Natasha says. "I haven't seen him since that whole mess with Hydra."
"I always assumed he took some time off and was just physically recovering somewhere..." Clint turns away to think, while taking another drink. After a moment he turns back toward Natasha. "You don't think he's been holding out on us do you?"
"Holding out?" Natasha asks.
"Yeah, on, like space travel, aliens and shit." Clint continues drinking.
"I don't know." Natasha responds. "I suppose, I wouldn't put it past him. He's always been one for secrets."
"But, why wouldn't he tell us?" Clint asks, annoyed. "I would have jumped at the chance for space travel." Clint leans back and looks at the ceiling. "I mean, it's every boy's dream."
"I wouldn't know." Natasha says, looking away and remembering when he was a woman.
"What was that?" Clint asks.
"I'm sorry." Natasha responds, forgetting that Clint was hard at hearing. "I wouldn't know." He repeats loudly.
"I suppose that's true." Clint responds. "I can only imagine what it's like... You know," he gestures toward Natasha's body, "changing..." He takes another second to study Natasha.
"It hasn't been easy." Natasha blurts without thinking. He looks down realizing he said more than he wants then turns to his drink, trying to pretend the comment meant nothing.
"I suppose not." Clint responds, somewhat lost in thought. "For you most of all."
Natasha's eyes widened slightly. Most people would not notice, but for the trained eye like Clints, he noticed.
"I'm sorry Nat, I didn't mean to bring it up." Clint says, trying to wave the comment off.
"It's fine." Natasha replies. Despite being best friends, the thought that Clint might know exactly what he is thinking and how he feels terrifies him. "I'm used to life throwing shit my way."
Natasha takes a large swig of his drink, hoping it was the end of the subject. He feels the alcohol slightly kicking in, and wonders if the changes have affected his alcohol tolerance. A flashback from the aftermath of the drinking party in Wakanda pops into his head, and he feels guilty once again.
"I really can't imagine it, Nat." Clint continues anyway. "It must be so hard for you."
Natasha tries to lock eyes with Clint Barten and mentally will him to shut up. He just doesn't have the strength to say it to him out loud.
"I mean..." Clint leans forward, "You were this badass female warrior, trained to use your sexuality and femininity as a literal weapon." He does not see the look of awkward concern on Natasha's face as he turns to his drink, and lifts it. "Not only that, you were good at it..." He takes a drink and leans further in, looking downward. "You were literally the best! No one could compete with your talent." Clint pauses to think. "You were taking on super human level threats and changing the world..." He pauses again. "And it was all just ripped away from you."
Clint finally looks up toward Natasha, whose face looks observant and casually unconcerned. Once again, Clint sees emotions and thoughts in his best friend that only the most trained and caring eyes could see. His mouth opens as he realizes he touched a subject he shouldn't have.
"I'm sorry Natasha..." Clint says. "I shouldn't have said any of that." Clint starts looking around the room, hoping maybe he'll find something to change the subject. There is an awkward silence for a very long moment, when he finally just decides to say it out loud. "Let's just talk about something else."
Natasha is finding it hard to suppress his emotions. It bothers him that he is now what is considered "the stronger sex," and he is feeling weaker and more vulnerable than he has ever felt before. The thought that he keeps making excuses for his internal struggles and can't seem to shake the heartache makes him feel even much worse.
They both sit in silence for the longest moment. Clint thinks about making weather jokes just to change the mood, but he is feeling too much like silence is his best option.
Natasha feels like crying, but is surprised that he is able to hold his emotions as well as he can. He looks up at Clint, and feels guilty that his own hidden thoughts seem to be projecting onto his friend.
'He can still read me, like a book. After all this.' Natasha thinks. The need to comfort Clint overwhelms him and he realizes it wouldn't hurt to open up.
"It has been hard, Clint." Natasha says. It surprisingly rolls off his tongue easier than he expects. Clint looks up and locks eyes. "I won't lie." Natasha continues. "It's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with." Natasha catches himself smiling and chuckling. It doesn't make sense, but it makes him feel better. "It's exactly like you said. I don't just feel like a part of me was ripped away. I feel like everything was."
He looks up at Clint, and it surprises him how at ease he suddenly feels. "It's insane." Natasha responds. "I'm not myself. I'm in this body, and I'm experiencing emotions and feelings I have never felt before..." He thinks about his wording for a moment. "But, I don't feel different..."
Their eyes continue to lock for a long passionate shared mentality. Natasha feels guilty for feeling what he is feeling, but knows he has to go on.
"Clint, since this all happened, you are the only one who has truly treated me no different." Clint nods lightly, but it is clear he is still worried about the subject "Since this has all started," Natasha continues. "You're the only one who has made me feel... back to normal..."
Clint looks up, a little curious about what Natasha is trying to say. "Back to normal?" He asks.
"Clint, when I'm around you... I feel like... I'm a woman again." Natasha takes a deep breath as the words set in. It surprises him that it makes him feel much better letting it out. "I know I should feel guilty about what we have..." His eyes dart back and forth between both of Clint's. "I know it's wrong, and I don't deserve it..." A flash of guilt flashes across Clint's face. "I know Laura doesn't deserve it either..." Natasha feels guilty now as well.
They both finally break eye contact and share a long moment of silence. Clint doesn't know if he should speak, but Natasha knows he has to finish.
"In my heart, Clint..." Natasha forces the words out. "I'm still a woman..." She takes another deep breath. "I don't think anything can change that." She reaches across the table and touches Clint's hand.
Clint looks back up toward Natasha. She smiles lightly. Despite the changes. Despite the fact that she is clearly in another body... the wrong body. Clint still sees the young and beautiful woman that he has always cared for. His heart hearts so much just at the thought that he loves Natasha as much as his own wife. No more, no less. It wasn't fair before, and even with all the changes, it isn't fair now. He wished he could declare this love to the world but knew he couldn't.
Despite it all, he could tell from her eyes that she could read him as clearly as he could read her. She knew he loved her as much as she loved him... and it was a love that could never be. They both smiled lightly and guiltily. Natasha was not gone, she was still the same woman, right here in front of him.
Clint smiles tenderly, realizing he doesn't have to say a word. His actions have done more than he could ever say. Natasha smiles back.
"This beer sure is something." Clint breaks the silence.
Natasha smiles, lets go of his hand, and grabs her drink. She feels like she hasn't felt this good in ages. "I'll say." She chimes in. "I haven't felt this good in ages." She raises her class in a toast-like gesture. "Please tell me we bought a lifetime supply of this stuff."
"If not, I'm going to fly back out here every weekend!" Clint jokes. They enjoy a good laugh.
Natasha downs what is left of her drink, and looks toward Clints. His cup is mostly empty also. "I'm going to get some more." She tells Clint. "Want some?"
Clint nods as he downs what is left of his cup. He is about to get up before Natasha wave him off. She grabs his cup and smiles. "I've got it." She says. "One of us has to be the gentleman." They both smile.
"You sure know how to treat a lady." Clint jokes, and they both chuckle. Natasha gets up and starts approaching the shelves where several large jugs of various liquids are stored. It occurs to her that she didn't know what they were drinking so she turns back toward Clint to ask. The door to the room opens and she immediately sees a familiar face look directly at her.
"Nat!" Steve Roger calls out, happy to see a familiar face. She pushes the wheels to her chair forward and is being followed by Sam Wilson and Bucky Barns. It still feels a little awkward for her to see the Winter Soldier wandering around like nothing ever happened between nearly everyone.
Despite not needing the help, Natasha notices one of Bucky's hands on the back of Steve's wheelchair for support. It's clear Sam notices as well, as he points to Bucky's hands and silently mouths the words, "What are you doing?"
Bucky responds with an angry glare but still lets go of the chair, realizing the awkwardness of his actions. Natasha notices the two share a silent conversation with each other and the thought occurs to her that they would probably make great friends if they weren't competing for Steve's attention.
Natasha rushes forward and hugs Steve tightly, realizing it may actually be the first time she's hugged her... or him? It suddenly occurs to her that maybe some of her other friends may be having identity issues as well. She decides not to worry about it unless it comes up. "How're you doing, Steve?" She asks.
"I'm doing great Nat." Steve answers. "Just getting used to this thing." She gestures toward the chair.
"You seem to be handling it well." She tells Steve.
"Yeah, against his doctor's orders." Sam Wilson smiles and jokes. Natasha looks at him and smiles, and notices Bucky starting to frown. "Where's your hover chair?" Sam asks Steve, but he is clearly looking at Bucky when he asks the question. Bucky stares back and glares angrily.
"I already told you both," Steve protests, "I'll be fine. I still have my upper arm strength." She states. "I don't even feel the strain from pushing this one."
Natasha notices Sam giving Bucky a sarcastic smile and it occurs to her that Sam only asked the question to aggravate him.
"Clint and I are having some drinks." Natasha says to change the subject. "Why don't you join us?"
Steve smiles. "That'll be great, Nat. I'd like that."
"Yeah, that sounds great!" Sam chimes in. "We'd all love the company."
Bucky is still glaring.
Natasha turns back to the shelves and continues to fill hers and Clint's drinks. Sam and Steve debate over what to get for a moment before settling on the same thing. Bucky chooses not to drink.
"Clint! Good to see you." Steve says when she reaches the table and reaches forward to shake his hand.
"Captain." Clint says, returning her handshake.
"Good to see you, Barton." Sam says, taking a seat at the table. Bucky grabs a nearby chair, but chooses to sit nearly a meter away.
"You okay?" Clint asks, Bucky.
"I'm fine..." Bucky responds with a non-conversational aura.
"Don't mind him, he likes to stare." Sam says.
"Don't pick on him, Sam." Steve pleads. "He's been through a lot."
Sam smiles mischievously, as both him and Clint notice, Bucky's face slightly flush. "Alright," Sam replies, "I'm just trying to get him to open up a bit." Sam turns toward Clint and Natasha, choosing to change the subject. "So, how've you two been?"
"Have you heard anything from Tony?" Steve asks before either of them can respond.
Sam raises a single annoyed eyebrow, as if he was expecting the question, and Bucky releases a heavy frustrated breath. It does not go unnoticed by either Natasha or Clint.
"No, we haven't heard anything from him." Natasha responds, rather surprised at the abruptness of the question.
"He was just... So upset when he left..." Steve Rogers says. "I want to make sure he's okay."
"I'm sure he's fine, Steve." Natasha says. "Didn't Dr. Strange send him straight home?"
"She did." Steve replies. "I've just never seen him so upset... or determined..." Steve seems a little lost in thought. "I figured he might have reached out to someone, you know... He's not the type to give up so easily."
"I suppose that's true," Natasha tells Steve, "but I don't know if he has any way of reaching out to us out here. We're so far away..."
"I know..." Steve answers eagerly and frustrated. "I just get the feeling, if anyone could reach out to us, it'd be him..." Steve pauses to think some more. "I mean, he's so smart and all."
Natasha looks toward Clint, wondering if he's picking up the same vibe she is. He raises his eyebrows and tilts his head to imply he's thinking the same thing.
"I'm sure he's fine, Steve." Natasha tries to reassure Captain America. "I mean, we'll be back on Earth in less than a week..." Steve Rogers is still looking down, lost in thought. "You'll be able to check up on him soon."
"I know I'll see him soon..." Steve pauses. "it's just..." She thinks about what to say next, "He's been so stressed lately, and I don't know if he's in a good place right now..."
Natasha has to contemplate her words for a moment. "Steve..." She reaches forward and places her hand on the Captain's. "Tony's going to be alright." Stever Rogers looks up into her eyes. "I've known him for quite some time." Natasha continues. "He can be extremely stubborn, very arrogant, and quite the ass sometimes... But he's always pulled through."
The Captain tried to maintain eye contact, but her concern was overpowering. "I know Natasha... I shouldn't be worried..." There is another long pause before Steve continues. "but I am."
Natasha looks up toward Sam Wilson and is surprised to see a truly concerned face for once. Bucky, on the other hand, has turned away and looks legitimately angry. 'I have to be imagining this.' Natasha thinks to herself. She turns toward Clint once more, hoping he's not thinking the same thing. Clint raises a concerned eyebrow, implying he is thinking the same thing.
"I don't know what to do Nat..." Steve Rogers says, interrupting her train of thought. She looks back toward the Captain who has a strained and heartbroken expression. "He needs me..." Steve Rogers looks to be on the verge of tears.
'You've got to be kidding me!' Natasha thinks, knowing the look all too well.