"Snivellus."
I can feel the hatred gushing out from inside of me and yet I am unable to stop it.
Severus puts all his power in his voice:
"Ashmedai," he says.
He is using his magic beyond his capabilities. My demon is fighting, but it is slowly being forced to leave me.
"Snivellus," it speaks again. "You are nothing but a dirty, greasy, nasty murderer… Born to cause pain… And to suffer."
My body shakes more and more. Severus remains focused, despite being forced to feel the pain of every death he caused, every tragedy, every murder. He feels the demon's rage mixed up with his own, he feels the thirst for blood, death, vengeance… Ashmedai whispers in his mind, trying to lure him, to make him believe that if he lets go, the demon will serve him in return.
Severus smiles to himself, quietly chuckling at the demon's attempts. Don't you think I've gone through this process already?
He remains focused and he keeps fighting, fighting for me.
The demon speaks again:
"Lily Evans… Became Lily Potter… Because… She saw how evil you are… She married your worst enemy… To take revenge on you…"
Severus goes pale. He tries to remain unconcerned, but fails. His face becomes so twisted with intense emotions that it looks inhumane now.
"Don't-"
"Don't what? Don't tell you the truth? Well, it's too late… Go see… See how the whole school knows about your love… They are all laughing at you, right now… Pathetic slimeball…"
Severus forces himself to ignore Ashmedai, but the demon continues without mercy:
"She saw your evil nature, you know… Everybody can see… That you are naturally evil… Yes, evil by nature... Just like me."
Severus is using all his strength to banish Ashmedai. Tears are falling down his cheeks, but he keeps fighting with all his might. And… But very slowly… The demon leaves my body.
Severus lets out a deep breath and holds me tighter. I feel his frail body hurling itself against mine as he squeezes me in the tightest of embraces. He is shaking and panting out of exhaustion.
The demon is gone… It's gone…! My Ashmedai!
"Severus." My teary eyes stare at him angrily now. "You had no… No right to take Ashmedai from me!"
He is too exhausted to react. I yell louder:
"YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT! I TOLD YOU NOT TO!"
Severus can't defend himself now. He is too tired. He slumps against my shoulder, looking at me with eyes barely open.
I take his face in my hands, a little too violently, staring in his eyes while I shout at him mercilessly.
"What do you want with me now, huh? There is nothing for you left! I can't see your pain anymore, I can't make you experience joy anymore! You took your own drug away!"
His face still in my hands, he whispers in a tired voice: "I helped… You… You should… Be thanking me..!"
I drop his face and he slumps against my chest.
"You have no idea what you have caused, do you? You have no idea how much Ashmedai meant to me… How empty I feel right now…"
"I don't… There is… I…"
I struggle to control the urge to push him away from me.
"There is what?"
"There is… Still… One thing I want from you."
"Really? And what would that be, now that Ashmedai is gone? I am not who you fell in love with. I am not the one who helped you. That was Ashmedai, not me!"
He shakes his head and wraps his arms around me in a shockingly suffocating embrace.
"I don't want Ashmedai. I want you… Just you."
"Me…? Me, a person whose identity has just been ripped in half, a large piece of it tossed aside? I wonder what remains. What do you think remains, Severus?"
"You," he says simply.
"Precisely," I say, my voice dripping with acid.
"And…" He lifts his head, a tiny bit less exhausted than before. "You are beautiful, already, by yourself…"
I huff into his face. "I know you mean well, but…" I sigh. "Okay, well… Severus… You really are an exceptionally powerful wizard. You just… Did it. And it is done and there is no going back… But there's no denying that you've just saved my life with this… So… Thank you, I suppose. And forgive me for… For how my demon… A-ashmedai… Hurt you."
I caress his hair, the skin on his cheeks…
"I love you," I breathe out.
"And I… L-love you… Too."
"Really?" My eyes go wide. "Without Ashmedai?"
He nods and gives me a victorious smile. "Yes, really."
I kiss him and we hold each other tightly for a very long time… And then I decide to speak about something that caught my attention during the exorcism.
"I don't think Lily married James to take revenge on you."
Severus goes pale again and I realize I'm stepping on dangerous grounds.
"Why then?"
"She… Uh… Loved him."
He looks at me, his eyes filled with something… But what..? I have trouble recognizing that emotion without Ashmedai… I wait for him to say something, but he stays quiet. I suppose he's angry, but there's no way to tell, as he's completely motionless, his face void of emotion (Has he always behaved like this? I'm only noticing it now… This is incredibly confusing - it is as if I suddenly didn't know this man at all). Why couldn't I just stay quiet? But there's no going back now - I need to get this out of my chest and he needs to let go of what eats at his soul the most…
"I know how much he hurt you," I begin softly, my voice wavering. "You are right to hate him for it… But you saw only one side of him, only the ugliest side!"
"You will not say another word!"
His voice is filled with anguish and hate.
"Severus… I need you to let go of your hatred… Can you do that? Can I talk to you about… About what I saw thanks to Ashmedai?"
He shakes his head, eyes now burning with anger. There is something rising inside him… A wave of magic, maybe. I think… I think I definitely won't like the consequences, but as of right now, I don't care if he hurts me. I need him to heal.
"The James Potter that Lily knew… He wasn't the same mean child that had bullied you. He… Grew out of it. He wanted to stop attacking you, but… At that point, it was too late, it had gone too fair, YOU were too far…"
"NO," he shouts and the second he says it, all glass within the five meter radius shatters. I gasp, feeling an odd sensation in my arm. I look at it and I gasp again - it has shards of glass in it. I swallow hard, but I decide to continue:
"Your hatred… Your hatred never subsided. It only became stronger, it still controls everything you do, or almost everything… If only it hadn't clouded your vision…"
And at that exact moment, his vision becomes indeed clouded. In an instant, the world explodes before my eyes as a wave of force shoots out of him in a mighty ring and breaks everything around us, hurling me against the wall. Lying on the floor, shaking and whimpering, I finally realize how powerful and dangerous his magic really is.
"I'm… I'm sorry," I whimper. "I am so bad at this without Ashmedai…"
"Yes, you are," he says coldly. And then he takes a step closer, looking down at me from his height.
"I never want your lips to say her name ever again."
"I won't… I'm sorry."
He stays quiet, staring at my arm, staring at what he's done to me… And slowly, his eyes fill with tears.
"C-can I get up? Please?"
He gives me a stiff nod and looks away.
I get up hastily, trying to do something about the blood and the glass on my arm. He is now as stiff as a statue, unable to move, as he keeps staring at a nearby wall.
"Bloody hell," I mumble, trying to stop the blood. That seems to pull him out of his shock and he turns to me. His eyes are wet.
"Let me…" He takes my arm, takes out a flask of dittany and tends to my injury.
"Severus, you're bleeding too…"
He shakes his head, as if he couldn't care less. "I deserve worse."
"Go," he then says after releasing my arm, his voice a mere whisper. "Go now. I'm… I'm so…"
He doesn't finish, he just grabs my hand again and holds it tightly against his chest, sobbing. "I am an evil man. I am dangerous."
I can feel his heart thumping in his emaciated chest under my palm. He really needs me now… He has no one else… He never had anyone…
"Go now," he whispers.
I am overcome with a wave of sympathy so strong that I can feel the tips of my fingers tingle from lack of blood flow. I know I'm carving out my personal path to hell with this, but… Instead of going, I hug him.
"W-what are you doing?"
"Staying."
Severus hugs me back so tightly that I have trouble breathing. And then he takes my arm in his hands, looking at it with teary eyes.
"You… You are the first one who stayed… After I did something like this… The very first one who saw… What a monster I am… And stayed…"
"Severus, you are not a monster."
His whole face twists in self-hatred and he looks at me with eyes so dark that I have trouble staying focused on what I was saying.
"You're just… Well, um…"
He interrupts me.
"I lost control… Again… I hurt someone I love… Again…!"
"Yes," I put my palms on his shoulders. "Yes, you did. I can't deny that you're… A handful." I sigh. "But I'm still here."
He sighs, too, looking absolutely miserable.
"Next time I'll come in a space suit," I chuckle softly. He still remains serious.
"Come on," I poke him. "That was a good one!"
"I can't laugh about this." He hides his face in his palms and stares at the floor. "I am sorry…"
"Look - I'm alright. And I forgive you. This arm still loves you. And so do I."
He peeks at my arm through his fingers for a moment before looking down again.
"I love you," I repeat softly.
"You are making a mistake."
"I don't care. You saved me. You are not evil."
He finally lifts his eyes back up and looks at me, surprised. "I'm not?"
"No. The things we said to you that night… That was the truth… Your magic is dangerous and strong and very hard to control, but you are not evil per se. You'll get out of this. I won't abandon you."
"Promise?"
"Pinky promise, my love."
Severus hugs me again… I can feel him breathing deeply, I can feel his heart thumping, the warmth spreading in his chest… And I just know that all is going to be well in the end.
THE END