Martedi sera

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Antipasti don't help against getting drunk, but they'll at least slow the process. Two empty bottles of wine, all different ones, are already on the living room table and yet there's a third one she had bought earlier.

She's really beautiful. Is that the wine, speaking?
Or are that the two more hours that she spent in the bathroom, at least? I could swear there's a little make-up on her face, even though she wouldn't have needed to put it on, to make her the most beautiful woman in the world for me.

This time it's my turn to refill our glasses. I take them with me, out to the balcony, where she's sitting already. It's a nice place we found. Two pillows are on the tiles. Our legs fit through the cast-iron bars and ornaments and we can let our feet dangle from the balcony, while we enjoy the view over the evening skyline of the city.
The Torre dei Lamberti, the highest tower of the city greets us from over there. It's beautifully lighted. There are so many lights on the rooftops. Probably half the city has the same idea like we have, enjoying a glass of vino rosso on their rooftop terrace, while it's still warm outside.

Here. I give her one of the glasses before I sit down again. Salute.

She doesn't really act drunk. Must be because we've had the wine distributed evenly over the past eight hours. It was a perfect day, so far. Damn it, why do I always add 'so far'? I'm also at fault for keeping myself in misery, sometimes. So stupid. Wine. More wine.

Why are you laughing, Jack?, she asks me.

We're not drinking fast enough to get drunk.

Do I not look drunk to you?

No.

I surely am. She leans over to kiss me. No, judging from the kiss, she's not nearly as drunk as I expected her to be, after sharing two bottles with me.
And we still have time…, she adds, between the kisses.

Time. That's the only thing we don't have.
Every other moment it gets harder to stick to that promise, Audrey. Don't think back. Don't think about the future. I can hardly stick to it.

Be thankful for every moment.

I put an arm around an hold her close while we watch the beautiful picture of the city.

You still owe me a song on that guitar, she silently says.

We still have time, I use her words.

The night is still young. Today, I guess we won't go to bed anytime soon. This is the last evening we can do this. Tomorrow, we need to go to bed early and sober. I'll set the alarm on my wrist watch to five a.m. in the morning, though I fear that I'll be up all night, anyway. How should I ever be able to catch one minute of sleep, if I know that's going to be the last night with Audrey at my side?
I wonder if I'll even be able to sleep tonight. Maybe the alcohol helps. Maybe that's why I gladly said yes to those three bottles of wine she bought. It has really been a long time ago that we got drunk together. Must have been one of the nights when she sat at her piano. They were all unplanned.

The beautiful view over the city is only ruined by the cast-iron bars of the balcony rail. Almost looks like prison bars, right? How dare you compare it to something like that? Stop it. No past.
If I don't watch out, I could be behind prison bars again in just two days. I should start to care about the future and make some plans to stop that from happening.

What are you thinking about? she asks me.

Nothing.

You were thinking about the future, right?

What am I to answer? Say yes? Say no.

We're gonna go to Munich in less than two days, she silently says.

Haven't we agreed not to talk about it?

She frees herself from my hug and grabs my both shoulders firmly. Forget about Munich. Let's stay here. Let's run away. Let's do anything else but not go there.

Your eyes are so beautiful, especially when there's this glance of hope in them. I'd so much want to say yes and join your crazy idea, but maybe I'm really a lot less drunk than you are.

We can't.

Why.

Suddenly I feel like I'm the bad guy, the one who destroys her dreams. Haven't we made a promise not to think about the future? I take one of her hands off my shoulders and kiss it.

The promise was not to think about Munich, she sighs, I'm talking about a good future.

I don't know what to say, to make her understand why Munich is the only road we can take. Don't you think I've played out all the moves in my head? There's no other way.

Play them again. You must have made a mistake.

Alright. Then let's talk. Forget about the promise. No. How do you want us to make a living?

It's such an easy question, under normal circumstances. But given who we are, where we came from, this is a major issue.

I don't even let her answer. I've run dry. What's on the kitchen counter is all that I've left. You had money Audrey, but you were declared dead. I don't know who inherited it… but you're cut off, too. You'd have to hide. You'd be living like a prisoner.

You can't be serious that money is the problem that'll bring us apart. She's determined. Let's go do another trip with the boat. That's surely not the only thing you can do, right?

No. Not in a thousand years I'd put you back on such a boat. You have no idea how dangerous this is. We were so fuckin' lucky that we made it. Has she already forgotten that I shot ten people from the boat, to keep us safe? Has she forgotten that we had the encounter with the border patrol? The night we got caught in the storm front?

Maybe I have to be a bit clearer on this. My face will be exposed in Munich, two days from now. The people in Serbia will eventually find out about my problems with the U.S. agencies. No-one of them would ever trust me again. There's always the danger that I could bring one of the agencies onto their trail, accidentally, while they were actually following me. The moment I held her in my arms again I knew that my time working for the underbelly of the European criminal networks were over. I don't want to go back there and I can't. I've managed to stay away from the worst in the past years, but if you don't take the serious jobs, you won't earn much – just enough to get a shitty apartment in Belgrade and keep your head over water.

Do you want me to go kill people to make a living?

She rips her eyes open. Yes, you heard me right. That's the question I asked.
I don't wait for an answer. I won't. That's a red line I'm not gonna cross.

A tear traces down her cheek. You said you were able to make a living it in the past.

Those were easier times. I didn't have the CIA on my trail, looking for you. Chloe tricked some Mexican cartel and the Ukrainian mob into buying me out of the Russian prison. They all want to see me dead or behind bars. Probably I can't even go to Ukraine any more to fight as a mercenary. That's where you make enough money to lay low for a while. I did that, in the past. The war over there has been going on ever since 2014. They were always looking for fighters. I spent a few months there and the money was enough to buy the apartment in Belgrade that Chloe has now.

I don't wanna do this again. Fifteen years ago I decided I didn't want to use a gun to make a living.

Look where it got me. It lasted no longer than a New Year's resolution.

I softly wipe the tears away from her cheeks. If I took you to the place where I lived… they'd sooner or later find out who you are. They'd kill us in an instant.

Why?

Isn't it obvious? Or are you just closing your eyes, like a child refusing to face reality? They don't want the U.S. agencies on their trail… and the presence of Audrey Heller is sooner or later going to make that happen.

She looks so damn sad. When's the last time someone called her by her maiden name? I'll never call you Boudreau.
Hesitatingly I lean forward and lay my forehead against hers. There's a big difference if you just smuggle drugs and do arms deals or if you're sent to assassinate the police chief of a town who got too close to the mafia. There are lines I don't wanna cross. I spent my days in bad cities, cheap places and run-down houses, because that's what I could afford. I don't want you to live like that. It was my decision to lay low and cut back on my income and my expenses.

I don't mind. She's saying that now. But I know her. I remember the days when she'd go to the opera, to balls or charity events which I couldn't even afford when I still earned decent money in DC. She'd not be happy for long. There's only so much you should do for love. If love is pulling you down, you better let go.

And in five years?, I add. She has never been on the run, not once in her whole life. She doesn't know what she's facing. Or maybe the wine is the reason for these stupid decisions. Not even Bonnie and Clyde made it five years. It's crazy to think ahead more than a few weeks. I'm happy if we both survive the next 48 hours and Munich.

What's in five years?, she asks.

I pull away and look into her eyes. Has she already forgotten about my infection? Or isn't she allowing herself to think about it, just like I pushed it out of my mind?
I probably won't be around anymore in five years.

Finally she gets it, what I'm referring to. There's enough medicine to treat this, Jack. People with an HIV infection live just as long as people without.

Right. Neither of us has health insurance. An antiretroviral treatment comes at 2000 a month. If you're lucky to find access.

So, we're down to money again?

Yes.

Then at least we've got five years.

She needs to stop dreaming. I'll make her. Even if it takes a bomb to throw at her feet. And what then?

In five years?

Yes. Do you want to watch me suffer then? Do you want us to starve to death once I can't make a living for us any more? Will you be angry at me if I then just take my gun and make an end to it?

We could have five years. Five goddamn years!, she hisses at me.

I shake my head. Let's assume I'm down in five years. What are you gonna do then, huh?

Her face is a mixture between sadness and anger. I'm not so sure if she'll slam her firsts against my chest or slap my face or just break out into tears.

You have one chance to return to U.S. without the CIA and the Secret Service completely losing their faces. A credible explanation why you were away. An excuse for them that they always knew where you were and just couldn't tell… for your own safety. If everything goes as planned, I add, in my thoughts, not to make her worries about Munich even worse. You'd not have such an option in five years. In five years, you can't just fly home and say 'hi, it's me, I'm back'.

I wonder why she is still so calm. I expected more tears and more anger. Maybe that'll come later?

You really pictured all the moves, she finally exhales.

There we sit, in silence, for a while. Behind her eyes, all the possibilities are revolving, too. She's checking my thoughts, trying to find the one error that I made, and if she'll find it, it will give her the opportunity to present me the plan that'll work out for us.
Her eyes size me up. She's probably picturing how I'm going to look like, in five years, if the illness finally breaks out. I'll be a shadow of myself, I've seen people in that state. That's not a live worth living.

She's still silent. Looks like she hasn't found a flaw in my plans yet. Instead, she turns back to the city.

I just want the best for you, Audrey. When do you finally understand that this is about your life or your death? If we stay together, each other's problems will only tear us down. I can't tell her that. I'm just glad that she hasn't broken out into tears so far.
Cautiously, I hug her from behind and rest my chin at her left shoulder. We're looking into the same direction, must be southwest. There's the moon. Almost full moon.

What about your future?, she silently asks me.

What about it?

Let's say we go to Munich. You hand me back over to them. How will you continue?

Good question. Next one. Then I've got five years to kill. I don't even know if I'll make it out of Munich alive. Will the CIA be able to live with it that they got her back, but didn't manage to capture or kill her kidnapper?

I have no idea. I swore myself thirty years ago not to make plans for my future. They never work out.

She says nothing for a while.
I don't want to disturb her thoughts. There's a time when it's good that I'm there for you. But there's also a time when it's best that I leave. We've come to that point again.

Finally, she takes a deep breath. Liar, she just says.

She's calling me a liar? Guess I need a little context here.

You say you're not planning for your future. You did, before.

When did I ever?

Fifteen years ago you even bought a ring. Her voice is settled and calm. Just as if she was reading evidence in a court room.
How does she even know about the ring? My jaws would have dropped, if my chin hadn't lain at her shoulder already. I never told anyone about it.

She slips away from my arms and turns around to look into my eyes. Right now, I'm close to tears. She cups my cheek with her hand.

How long had you already had the ring?

Be honest to her now. Two months, three max.

She slightly nods and gives me a faint smile. Why hadn't you ever said anything?

Wouldn't it have been inappropriate? To slip an engagement ring on your finger, right next to your wedding ring? I take her hand away from my cheek and look at her fingers. She has no rings now. Of course not, the Chinese took everything from her. Even her wedding ring is long gone. Not even the tan line is visible any more, the one you usually get when you take off a ring that you've been wearing for year.

Up to that day you hadn't even once told me you loved me.

Was that an accuse? A reproach? Why, she adds. I'd love to know that, too, Audrey. I don't know why I didn't bring up the courage to go first, I answer.

You were afraid? To tell me you loved me?

It sounds so damn stupid now. Hindsight's always easier than foresight. I was.

Of all people in the world, Jack Bauer, you're the one who's least afraid of anything, she chuckles.

At least the tense situation had somehow resolved itself. You're overrating me. There are so many things in this world, that I'm damn afraid of. Maybe being hurt is not one of them. Or look at the wrong end of a gun's barrel. But that leaves tons of things. Kim being hurt, or her family. Failing at saving someone who I gave my word. Losing the few dear people that I still have in my life, even if they've all slipped away to a point where I can hardly still call them friends. I'm afraid of the solitude that will inevitably come after the day after tomorrow. Or being raped again, in some hellhole of a prison. The nightmares. That was not the question you asked.

I was afraid one day I'd lose you to Paul again. Exactly that happened, the day my life went to hell.

She grabs the collar of my shirt with both her hands. I'm so sorry… so endlessly sorry for this.

It's alright. You did nothing wrong. You did what you thought was best. I take her into my arms again and this time she snuggles against my chest. I've been there, too, Audrey, with Teri. No matter how bad it was, no matter how hard we fought, no matter how long separated or if there were others involved, in the end I always chose her for some reason. That ring works better than handcuffs, sometimes. Should have put that ring on you instead of keeping it in a drawer.

I was so confused that day…. she whispers, I treated you so badly after all you've gone through, instead of appreciating the slightest part of it.

It's alright. You did nothing wrong, I repeat and rock her body forth and back.
Why the hell did I get used to that? Where along the way did I take that wrong turn and came to the place where people hate me for the sacrifices that I'm making for them?

All the way, I feared that day would come. That's probably why I kept the ring in the drawer. You hadn't seen these sides on me but I knew it all the way long, that they were a part of me… and would ever be. You can take a gun from a man but you can't take being a soldier away. I saw sides of you that frightened me, too. And since I knew all the way long how different we both were… I didn't dare go all in.

Sides of me that frightened you?

You sometimes wore shoes worth my earlier week's pay. You enjoyed your visits to the opera, to your upper class DC friends, a crowd I'd never fit in to. That was scary. Paul could easily give you all that. I knew from the beginning that I would never be able to.

I chose you, she grunts.

Enough with that. I'm not going to continue listing things that once made me afraid of committing to our relationship.
We keep watching the night sky. These things are still out there. They haven't changed a bit and weigh as heavily as ever.

I take the glass of wine sitting next to me and drink a little bit. Who knows how this conversation would have turned out, if we hadn't already emptied two bottles? Alcohol as sometimes a blessing.

The ring sat in top drawer of the desk in my apartment. Audrey never went there, even I barely used it. It was a simple white gold ring with a diamond. The moment I bought it, I already knew that it could never compete with the one Paul had most likely given her, years ago. I never saw it. She said she kept in the safe. That says it all.
Was I stupid to even try? To think I'd ever stand a chance?

How did you even find out about the ring? The moment the question left my mouth, the scales already fell from my eyes. I shouldn't have asked. There's only one way she could have found out about it.

Kim and I cleared out your apartment, after she buried you. We found it.

I'm sorry I put you through all that. I place a kiss at the top of her head and hold her close. Kim. How much did I disappoint her, that day? My 'death' left her devestated and then there's even a strange new woman and an engagement ring in my drawer that. Kim's father is goddamn asshole.

Audrey raises her hand against the moonlight and looks at her ringless fingers. I put it on and wore it for quite a while.

My heart skips a beat.

I took it off, half a year later. People told me to stop grieving and to move on. And then you came back… and were abducted… I put it on again. This time I didn't take it off. She suddenly falls silent. My imagination continues her story past the point where she stopped talking.

The Chinese took it from her. I fight so hard to bite back the tears. Don't know if I was successful. Doesn't matter, I buried my face in her hair anyway. She wore my ring, all this time, and I never knew.

Let's go inside,.. you're shivering, she says, a while later.

That's not the cold. But let's head inside. We get up and take the wine with us. My body hurts already from sitting there.

Arm in arm, we walk back into the living room. It's chilly in here. The carefree and happy atmosphere that we had during the first half of the day is somehow gone. We should have stuck to the promise, not to talk about the future.

I light some of the candles that stand on the side tables for decoration. Audrey returns from the bathroom. I take one of the blankets from the couch and put it around her shoulders. She's still only wearing that yellow summer dress. We don't have that much clothes to change. Rubbing her arms might help.

There's no switch for 'happy', sorry, I tell her.

I'm glad we talked. She sits down at the couch, cradled into her blanket. You still owe me.

Owe you what?

She points at the guitar that I've hung back to its place at the wall.

Oh, dear. She didn't forget. Under one condition.

Which one?

I point at the piano.

I was totally gonna go for that, she laughs, from the moment I first saw it. But now you go first.

Shit. I need more wine. The glass is still pretty full, that one goes within a draught and pour myself a new one before I get the guitar and sit down next to her. Has anyone ever heard me play? Kim and Teri, thirty years ago. But no one since then. I used it to kill time in the past few years, in Serbia, or on the boat, when I did trips like ours for Mehmet.

What do you want me to play?

You pick. Whatever comes to your mind.

I start. The wine doesn't make it easier, but at least bearable. It even sounds... good. Not as good as Keith Richards' original. It's a classic masterpiece that she knows for sure. After the first few bars, her eyes tell me she recognized it.

I can't but change the song's text.

Audrey… Audrey…
When will those dark clouds all disappear?
Audrey… Audrey…
Where will it lead us from here?
With no lovin' in our souls
And no money in our coats
You can't say we're satisfied
But Audrey… Audrey…
You can't say we never tried

I stop singing along.
Go on, she begs me, I love it.

You really want me to? This song gets more depressing with each other line. I'm afraid I picked the wrong one. This might take us straight back to where we already were.

Go on. Please.
It was your decision.

Audrey, you're beautiful
But ain't it time we say goodbye
Audrey, I still love you
Remember all those nights we cried
All the dreams were held so close
Seemed to all go up in smoke
Let me whisper in your ear
Audrey… Audrey…
Where will it lead us from here

She moves over and kisses me, passionately, while the guitar is still between us. I put it out of the way as we start making out right here on the couch. If I had a choice, if there was a chance, Audrey, I'd never let you go.

As we part for a moment, out of breath already, our faces only a few inches apart, her features are lit only by the two candles on the small table. Her eyes speak volumes.

Five years, they say, wordlessly: All I want are these five years.

I can't let you do that, Audrey. I'm sorry.

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I slowly open my eyes and find the room dark. I'm still sitting in one of those comfy chairs in the living room, which I moved next to the piano. Must have fallen asleep. The keyboard of the piano lies in front of me, the guitar lies on the carpet. Audrey must have gone to bed at some point. She even covered me with a blanket. My bones don't like getting up, but they don't like being asleep in this position either.

I straighten up. A sweep through the room shows me that she's asleep on the living room couch, only a few feet away.

Audrey… I softly touch her shoulder. She doesn't like to wake up. Why aren't you in bed?

She tiredly turned over. Didn't want to let you alone out here.

You could have woken me up.

No, she shakes her head. One of her hands finds my cheek. You fell asleep with a smile on your face.

We both know how rare this is. She didn't want to take that away from me. Tonight, the past fifteen years just didn't exist, for me.

I slide my left arm beneath her shoulders and my other hand beneath her knees. Carefully I lift her body, making sure that her head doesn't drop but comes to rest at my shoulder. I carry her over to the bed. She doesn't look like she has fully waken up. I get rid of my shirt and get in, too, hugging her from behind under the blanket.

She instantly grabs my hand that lies at her stomach.

It doesn't take her long to fall asleep again.

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Written to:
1st part: Lady Gaga: Shallow, Hold my Hand (live at the Oscars 2023 - that it the only version of the song I like, a real pleasure!)
2nd part: The Rolling Stones: Angie

And I have to admit that last part was inspired by a photo of Kiefer I saw, with his guitar. Suited him.