Chapter 4– Coexistence

Ignoring Jake was becoming a familiar and constant new skill of mine. It wasn't getting any easier to do, but it was better than the former, which was fighting like cat and dog the entire time. We reached a new medium. One where Jake and I stayed out of each other's way, but in a cordial way.

I went on another date with Dylan—well, four—and they went so well that maybe we could be considered seeing each other. At least, enough that he was coming over for Christmas dinner. And it wasn't just him that was invited, it was…everyone. A Christmas dinner party, that I was certain was a terrible idea, but couldn't sway Charlie.

Charlie had taken to being a brand new person as of late, and I couldn't pinpoint exactly why. Whether it was the lack of beer, or sudden introduction of a balanced diet, he had a certain brightness to him that wasn't there before. We went on walks together in the mornings he wasn't at the station, and now had taken to cooking breakfast right after while I sat at the table and chatted with him. It was new, and fresh. I felt new too.

Dylan, while he wasn't perfect, he was far from terrible. I knew I would never feel a spark with anyone—I'd accepted that long ago. But, the giddy shy feeling I had with him was about as close as I could get. He made me feel…normal, here. And feeling normal in Forks was no small feat. I liked his love for the small town, and books. He was content to sit with me and read, or sit and watch old movies that I'd avoided watching for years because of the memories they brought up of…someone. Someone I still didn't like to discuss, because of what they did.

He liked the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice which was a tremendous good sign of a quality partner. Partner, yes. That's what I considered him for, so maybe it was getting a little bit serious.

I smirked to myself at the thought as I seasoned the vegetables and finished off my apple pie crust. I was getting a lot better at baking and cooking after so many years. Six, to be exact. I had counted it out. Six years since I left Forks for what I thought was for good. Six years that were filled with emptiness, and loneliness save for the weeks I managed to escape and come visit here. I would never admit that to anyone but Charlie, although I'm sure everyone could tell that I much preferred to be back. Something about the constant overlay of petrichor and salt from the sea and the overly green and plush forests called to me.

I also liked living with Charlie. It was easy, and cheap—as in free. And, it helped with my writing, which was taking off. Without a doubt my book would be done soon enough. That also made me smile. Today was Christmas after all, there was everything to be thankful and happy about. Another year with my dad still here, a new life, and a new perspective.

Warm arms wrapped around me from behind. Strong, self assured, but not overly confident. Dylan's profile came into my view as his chin balanced on my shoulder. He was…affectionate. I didn't hate it, but it still slightly made my skin crawl. I called it the "'soulmate' side effect" and tried not to think about it too much.

"That smells delicious. Are you sure there's nothing I can help with?" His breath ghosted past my neck, and I could smell the cinnamon sugar apples on it that he'd most definitely stole when he was 'helping.' I laughed and twisted in his arms and put mine around his neck.

"I think you've done more than enough, apple thief."

"Who? Me? No," he gaped in surprise, and leaned to brush his lips against mine for the briefest moment. He was so kind and gentle.

"Alright, enough canoodling over the food." Charlie stomped into the kitchen in an attempt to look grumpy, but I could see the pleasant smile that ghosted his face. He was happy I was happy. I looked him over closer, and noticed he seemed to have actually worked on his appearance.

Dylan released me, and leaned on the counter beside me with his arms folded. I threw a towel over my shoulder and narrowed my eyes at Charlie.

"You're wearing the sweater I got you. And…did you comb your hair?"

Charlie reached up to fix his hair a bit. "I did. How do I look? Does it fit okay?"

I gave him a thorough once over. "You look festive, and fancy. This doesn't have anything to do with Sue, does it?"

Charlie flushed a bright red, round at his cheeks as he looked down into his water glass. "No, no. Just thought I would look nice."

"Mm. Okay, sure. You look very nice." I turned back to the food so he wouldn't catch my biting smirk.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't pressure the process, but inside I was doing cartwheels. Sue had taken a particular interest in being around a bit more with Charlie. Bringing him food, sometimes being the one to go on walks with him instead of me. At first I thought it was some sort of guilt considering how Harry died, and that she hadn't been there at the beginning of his heart attack. But, whatever it was now, it didn't seem to have an end in sight. And I'd always dreamed of Seth and Leah being a part of my family as they already felt like my siblings. Now, that might actually come true. So I had to make sure I didn't intervene unless absolutely necessary. That included pressuring him about his appearance.

Dylan chuckled beside me, catching my eye as I got lost in the daydream of my closest friends and I sharing a family. He knew, without knowing, how giddy I was about it all. He elbowed my arm playfully, and my grin grew.

"You'll give yourself away."

"Shh," I pressed a finger to his lips as I giggled.

"So, when will everyone be here?" Charlie asked.

I glanced at the clock. It was seven, verging on ten after. "I told people they were good to show up at quarter after, so probably any time now."

As if called upon, there was a soft knock at the door. Charlie practically jumped from his spot in the kitchen and flung open the door. "Seth! Leah!" My heart took off at a little gallop. Leah hadn't met Dylan yet, so I was bound to have to experience her gaudy looks and wiggling brows.

"Sue, you look beautiful," Charlie sounded slightly breathless as he did so. I caught Seth's eye as he stood in the doorway, and he winked at me. He was just as excited as I was.

Leah waltzed right in with a bottle of wine in one hand and a covered dish in the other. "Where do I put it?" She waved her hands around, looking for some kind of open counter space. Her eyes caught on Dylan for a moment, and froze. She turned back to me with wild and mildly approving eyes, but something was hidden beneath it.

I narrowed my expression at her, mouthing a question if she was okay. She nodded rapidly and clunked the dish onto the table with a bit too much force, and I saw a crack form in the Pyrex. I covered it quickly with the foil before Dylan could notice.

He didn't, and extended his hand. "You must be Leah," he chuckled, pushing his black frames up his nose. He looked especially cute today in a maroon Christmas sweater that had cream reindeer on it. His curls were in perfect order atop his head, styled with gel. Perfect librarian chic, which seemed to be his type of dress he preferred the most. I liked it.

Leah avoided his gaze and went to the silverware drawer and started rustling through it. "Mm, nice to meet you," she said in a biting short tone.

I gaped at her in surprise and gave Dylan a slightly apologetic look. I had warned him that she was a little bit rough around the edges, but I didn't expect her to be this rough.

I shooed him away to the living room, and walked over to Leah as she cursed under her breath. I reached out to touch her arm. "Everything alright?"

Leah jumped so hard, the drawer rattled and groaned on the hinges. "Holy fuck," she panted, her hand pressed to her chest. "Don't sneak up on me like that."

Sneak up on her?

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't know I was capable of that." Leah turned back to the drawer. "Can I help you with that?"

"Yes. I need a wine opener."

Her short tone with me was unnecessary and immediately pissed me off, but I obliged in the name of Christmas and tried not to cause issues. I found it right away, and handed it to her. Leah didn't waste a moment and opened the bottle and poured a tall glass before taking a long, long drink. When she surfaced she gave me a weak smile.

"You…alright?" I asked her, slightly afraid of the answer.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Nice boyfriend." Leah took another drink, it dribbled out the side of her mouth and down her jaw. It almost dripped on her nice silky viridian top, but she swiped at it just in time.

"He's not my boyfriend, but thanks, I guess?"

"Well, I've got to…go, see if the boys are here."

She left without waiting for a reply. It was completely flabbergasting that she would have the sense to be so rude to me. On a day she promised she would help too?

I returned to my cooking and put everything in the oven and tried to collect myself for a moment. Seth came in a few minutes later with a strange perplexed look on his face. He threw his arm around me, squeezing tight enough it made my head rush slightly.

"What's up with sis?"

"Not a fucking clue," I sipped at my own glass. Seth shrugged, stole my glass and took a swig before gagging dramatically.

"That tastes simultaneously like the desert and moldy fruit."

"Don't hate on what you don't know. This is expensive," I glanced at the bottle, not completely unsure what it even was. "I think—doesn't matter. Beer is in the fridge, get your own." He laughed at me, and opened the fridge in search of the bottles.

"Don't take it too seriously. You know how she is."

"Sure, yeah." His reassurance meant absolutely nothing. I knew something was up, I just couldn't figure out what. Did she know Dylan? Maybe she dated him before, and didn't want to say anything? If so, then why didn't Dylan?

I mulled over the possibilities as probably a dozen knocks came and people filtered in. At some point music started and the living room filled with voices. All popped in to say hi, and look at the food but thankfully no one stayed. Dylan came in a while later, rubbing the tops of my shoulders where all of the tension sat.

"Not coming out there?"

"Mm. I will when I don't have to watch my pie like a hawk. I'll be out there soon—go mingle."

"Not a chance. Let me help you. It's you I want to be around, not them." He winked at me as he leaned over the counter. "Don't tell Charlie I said that."

"I won't. But he will notice if you aren't out there. Do you want him to start pestering us here again? Go be my spy for him and Sue. Please," I begged, batting my lashes.

"Fine," he conceded with a roll of his eyes. "Only because you asked." He started towards the dining room but turned around to give me another wink. "You look good tonight."

I laughed as he walked away. A sigh of contentment coursed through me. Tonight was going to be perfect, even with a prickly Leah.

"Gag. Is he always like that?" Jake's deep voice rumbled through the kitchen and up my spine. I sighed inwardly, but didn't turn to him.

"Yes, he is. What—compliments bug you now too?"

He set something heavy down on the table. I glanced, it was more booze. Fine with me, really.

"That was a compliment? What a marshmallow."

An unexpected laugh bubbled from my lips. I was surprised, and turned to face him. "Maybe I like marshmallows, Jake."

He looked me up and down unabashedly, his brow lifted as he did so. "I think we both know that's not true."

I wasn't sure if it was the wine going to my head, but it made a steady blush creep up my throat. He had on a new shirt I didn't know he owned. A black button down that was pushed up at the sleeves and a gray t-shirt underneath. He looked like he was bulging out of the damn thing, but the sentiment that he actually wore something other than a t-shirt was nice. I don't think I'd ever actually seen him in anything like that. Let alone black jeans, and matching shoes. It was…impressive. Attractive. I looked away, and went back to checking the oven.

"So, how is it with the ever squishy Dylan? He's nice to you, I mean?"

It had been weeks since we actually talked beyond a hello and a goodbye, but this isn't what I'd had in mind after our last real discussion.

"Jake, we don't need to talk about this."

"I want to know. I need to know if he treats you well."

"He's…he's fine, yes. He's nice and kind."

"With compliments like those, yeah, I suppose nice and kind is all I would be able to say about him too."

I grit my teeth and whipped around to face him. He was closer than before, now. Maybe within arms reach—but I wasn't thinking about that.

"What is wrong with his compliments? Do you have to pick everything apart?" I hissed in a low voice. "It's not like you've done any better."

When I realized what I'd done, I quickly turned back to the food again, and my wine. Because he most definitely can, and had done a whole lot better than Dylan ever would, unfortunately. Another soulmate side effect.

I took another long drink, emptying the glass. Jake tutted, his hand came into view and plucked the glass from mine.

"You know exactly my capabilities Bella. Don't insult me, now." I gulped as the tension in between us suddenly expanded threefold. A quiet bubble between us and the rest of the party. Where was everyone? Someone had to interrupt it all soon.

I heard the liquid pouring slowly into the glass before his arm brushed over my shoulder and set it down on the counter in front of me. His hand lingered on my wrist before tracing its way up my arm. His fingertips sent chills running up and down my entire body down to my toes as they rose to my neck and with a faint brush, swiped the hair back from my shoulder to expose the shell of my ear.

"Jake, that wasn't a challenge."

I could feel the heat of him radiating through my dress and sweater, and his delightfully warm breaths as they ghosted in a rustle just beyond my ear. He leaned in close, and it took everything in me not to lean back into him. Into all of it.

"Of course not. A challenge can be filled with lies, but you…what I say about you is only the truth. And the truth is…that you're absolutely mouthwatering tonight. If it wasn't for—you know, I'd rip that perfect little velvet slit that runs up your thigh all the way clear to the top of the dress. It'd be nothing but ribbons by the end of it."

I gulped, my neck budding with perspiration underneath the heavy cream sweater I wore. I knew my maroon dress wouldn't stand a chance—he was right. The image…oh, the image. I groaned in despair, hearing the soft rumble of his chest as it was now pressed against my back.

"Jake…not fair."

"The only thing that's not fair is the poor chance Dylan stands against me," he whispered in a velvety voice that sent shivers racing up and down my spine.

"We have an—"

"Agreement. I know."

I opened my mouth again to tell him that means hands off, but by the time I turned around he was gone again.

"Bella!" Charlie called for me, but I heard his heavy footsteps incoming.

I collected myself, taking deep breaths as I'd realized that I had been holding mine the whole time. In an instant, Charlie appeared around the corner. His pinked cheeks were round with his bright smile.

"There you are! Go socialize, I'll watch the food."

I shook my head, wrapping my arms around myself. "No, that's alright. I like it here. It's loud out there."

He chuckled, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Not wrong. Oh, everyone is so happy, Bells. Thank you for decorating and doing all of this. What a perfect end to the year."

I couldn't help but smile at the praise. I was eternally thankful that he was here for it. There wasn't anything that I wouldn't do for him to make him happy this year, especially as I never considered that it could have been the last one that I ever had with him.

I pulled dinner out of the oven, and watched the pie while it cooled. Charlie disappeared again and I was left alone, finally. My body still buzzed from Jake's touch and words.

Arms wrapped around me again, and my stomach clenched. Gone was the gooey, honey like warmth. It wasn't cold, or anything. It just…didn't soothe my body in the same way.

"Hey," I said with all the nonchalance I could muster. Guilt swarmed me in an instant, and I was drowning in it.

"Hi," Dylan cooed into my ear. "Not having too much fun in here without me, are you?"

"Mm." It was all I could say, because while I wasn't having fun, whatever happened with Jake made me feel like a puddle of goo. I didn't want to lie.

He nuzzled my neck. "You sure? You seem upset."

"No, I'm fine. The food is just…stressing me out." He reached out for the plate I held, and I had the instinct to not let him take it. He snatched it anyway, and put it back on the counter.

His hands clamped onto my shoulders and ran his hands up and down my arms. I looked into his bright blue eyes that reminded me of the sea.

"You've been in the kitchen all day," I nodded, taking a deep breath as he massaged my arms and shoulders. "You're exhausted, I know you just want to relax." I nodded again, and couldn't see where he was going with it. "You're almost done. I know you can do it. Tomorrow we can spend all day reading. I promise you won't have to lift a finger."

The sensation of my stomach flipping over twofold made me nearly vomit. I didn't deserve him—he was so sweet and pure, and he didn't understand a single part of the world he happened to waltz right into. Jake's words ate me alive with guilt. I was terrible.

I reluctantly tore myself from Dylan's arms with a reassuring smile, and I left him there as I started setting the dining table.

Jake stood in the doorway between the living room and the dining room, his eyes snapped to me as he lifted the bottle to his lips. My whole body nearly broke into a sweat as I flushed.

"I'd ask if you wanted help, but—"

"No thank you," I sneered at him.

"Thought so." He rolled his eyes and continued to watch my every move as the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I bit my tongue to keep from saying anything, but made a point to glare at him every single time I re-entered the room.

Eventually, the table was set and everyone began to sit. Charlie sat at the head of the table with Sue and Billy on either side. Then followed a few of his friends from the station including Dylan, who I sat beside, and Jake across from me. Leah claimed the seat beside me after a brief argument with Seth, and he reluctantly took the seat beside Jake. Sam and Emily and the twins sat at the very end with Jared, Paul, Embry, and Quil all taking a stance on the amount of "eating room" and had opted to sit in the living room.

It was glorious at first, everyone passing dishes and chatting. I loved every smile, every thanks, and every compliment. Dylan had taken to talking to the rest of the people from his work when I nudged Leah with my elbow. Her chewing slowed as she bore a hole into the tablecloth just above her plate.

"What is with you?" I whispered in her ear.

Leah didn't react much, just simply shrugged. I huffed, and tried not to react. I felt a soft tap on my shin, and looked up to see Jake's questioning stare. I didn't know how to answer him, so I just shrugged, glancing between Dylan and Leah then narrowed my eyes.

His face twisted in confusion, and it made me wish that he could read minds right this second. Leah was supposed to help me with dinner, it was supposed to be a fun time. Instead she'd avoided me the whole night. Seth started looking between Jake and I, so I had to tear my gaze away otherwise he would say something about it to the rest of the table.

"So, Leah. Bella's told me so much about you."

I shot Dylan a warning glare, wondering what possessed him to start a conversation with the very person Jake and I were just silently discussing. Leah's hand floated as it froze in the middle of her bringing a bite to her mouth. She clanked her fork down.

"Oh, did she? Why do you keep trying to talk to me?"

I was startled by the brusqueness of her voice and the piercing glare she gave him. The entire room went silent, and my anxiety spiked. I nudged Leah's leg with my foot, mouthing at her to stop. Her eyes flicked to me for a moment, filled with sadness before she looked back at him.

Dylan stammered helplessly, and I felt absolutely terrible for him. I down my next glass of wine in a single gulp just for having to listen to him trip over his words. "I-I'm sorry. I just know you and her are best friends, I'm just trying to get to know the group—"

"Well don't. She has another best friend too, Emily, my cousin. Talk to her." Leah leaned back and pointed at Emily beside her, who smiled politely, but was too distracted with tending to the children with Sam. Sam glanced at all of them, giving Leah a ridiculous 'knock it off' look before returning his attention to the twins.

Dylan's brows shot to his hairline, and he turned back to his plate. "Right, sorry."

It wasn't even a big deal, but it set Leah off. "Right, sorry? Really? Sensitive Leah, stay out of Leah's way. Like I don't see you two silently discussing me. You all know nothing."

She jumped to her feet and stomped out the front door and slammed it behind her. I rubbed a hand down my face, but tried to recover it as Sue and Charlie began questioning what just happened. Seth was eating with a small frown, but didn't seem that bothered by his sister's outburst.

Jake politely excused himself before exiting to go track her down.

"What did I say?" Dylan whispered in my ear as I made eye contact with everyone sitting on the couch. They were most definitely listening, and tense with alert as they tried to piece it together like me. They could also probably hear what was going on outside, which wasn't reassuring at all.

I patted Dylan's arm in reassurance before I excused myself as well, and told Sue I would go check it out. My original plan wasn't to check anything out at all. I was going to absolutely ream her for ruining Christmas dinner. I opened the front door, and saw them standing down the driveway, nearly in the road. My breath had been captured, ready to rip Leah apart, but deflated from my lungs the moment that I heard her incoherent sobbing. I rushed over to her, catching Jake's hand square in the center of my chest as I got too close.

"Bella, go back inside."

"What? Did I do something? Leah?" I looked at Jake who simply shook his head with sad eyes. Leah turned away from me, curling around herself.

"You didn't do anything, Bells, just go back inside." I paused in my step and considered retreating, but instead, ducked underneath Jake's extended hand. His other hand caught my elbow, wrapping around it with a powerful electric current running into my body. I didn't let the gentle tugs stop me.

"Leah, what's wrong? I can ask Dylan to leave—do you know him? I'm so sorry I had no idea." I tried to free my arm from Jake's grip, but it didn't budge.

"That's close enough."

The authority in Jake's voice made me completely freeze as I assessed the situation fully for the first time. Leah was trembling from head to toe, which made me take an instinctive step back, straight into Jake's chest. His grip on my arm tightened protectively, and I looked up at him to see him watching with unblinking eyes towards Leah. His whole body was tense like a lion, ready to protect in case something went awry.

Leah sniffled and cried, wiping her nose messily with her hand as she turned back to me. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." She extended a trembling hand to me, and Jake started to inch me behind his body. "You're going to hate me—oh god, she's going to hate me, Jake. I can't do this, I can't do this. Not right now, please just let me go, please."

"You aren't going to ruin the dinner for the family, not for Sue and Charlie."

"I can't. I can't. How do you handle this…this feeling?" She clutched at her chest and curled in on herself near the ground.

Jake's grip tightened on my elbow. "You get used to it."

"I can't…I can't—"

Oh. My. God. I understood everything right at that moment. Was there nothing sacred anymore? The supernatural took and took while it offered so little back? A small gasp flew out of my mouth, and I covered it with my hand. This could not be my reality—please let it be wrong.

Jake shook me slightly, capturing my attention as I blinked in rapid succession as a lame attempt to understand what was happening. "Go inside. Pretend everything is normal. I'll get her under control."

I watched him, my mouth open in nothing but shock and surprise as tears filled my eyes. There wasn't a need to say anything—he saw it in my eyes. His expression morphed to an excruciating and pity filled stare. His grip slid up my arm to my shoulder where he drew soft circles on my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry."

So that was that. The deed was done, and there was nothing that could change it.

It wasn't so much about my connection with Dylan, or that I thought I'd finally found someone I could be with. It was primarily the fact that another choice had been made—taken—without permission or consideration. My best friend. My poor Leah. She was seeing another person right now. She was happy, finally. How could this happen to her?

I reached out for Leah, silently asking Jake if it was okay, and he let me go. I wrapped my arms around her shaking form as tight as I could manage.

"Shh. It's okay," my hand smoothed her hair and back in soft strokes. "I don't hate you. I don't hate you one bit. I'm so sorry this happened to you." My voice broke, tears spilling out of my eyes at that realization. I was sorry. Filled to the brim with sorrow for her, because this was a life I didn't wish for a single person on the planet. Not even my worst enemy. "I love you, Leah. It's really okay, I understand."

She gripped onto me, too tight, but I wasn't going to say anything. Leah's sniffles and trembling quieted after a few minutes. Then, she suddenly straightened and wiped her tears. Her chin still trembled furiously, but she'd gotten it mostly together.

"Okay," she started to cry again, "I can't do this."

I shook my head, "no, nope. I won't hear any of it." I swiped my fingers underneath her eyes to clean up the smudged mascara. "We are all going to go back in there like nothing happened. We will…we will say you got emotional about the holidays because you miss your dad. Let Sue and Charlie have their evening, and then you can leave the second that it's over. Alright? After that, I'll deal with Dylan however you want, just say the word. Come on, Leah, you can do that. I know you can."

Leah's trembling chin ceased as she looked at her bare feet and nodded. "You don't have to do anything with him, Bella. I want you to be happy, I'm not just going to steal him away from you. I just…I just am so sorry I'm ruining your happiness like this." She bit her lip to keep the tears at bay.

That broke my heart in two. Did she really think she was ruining my happiness? I wish I could explain to her that it was her happiness that was over now. Now, she has a lifetime of torment and questions. But instead of bursting her bubble, I just shook my head in reassurance.

"You haven't taken an ounce of my happiness, I promise."

Leah nodded furiously and I could see herself trying to convince her mind that it was the truth. She pulled herself straight, and pushed her shoulders back so she looked stronger than ever. "Alright—I am going to do this." She didn't wait for us as she went ahead and back up the stairs all the way inside.

I deflated the moment the door shut, exhaustion taking over. My chest hurt, my head pulsed, and I needed to have a good cry. I started to walk slowly back to the house, sparing a glance up at the snowy purple sky and wished I could stay out here in the quiet all night long.

"You didn't have to do that." Jake was close behind me. I glanced at him over my shoulder. He was looking at me with that softened smile of his. The one that held pain behind his eyes that he didn't want to show, but I could see it anyway. I wondered if he knew that I could.

I folded my arms around myself, and walked back over to him.

In our short proximity, his heat warmed me enough from the outside elements. His head tilted to the side, eyes narrowing. "You alright?"

I shook my head, my throat stuck together as my emotions played catch up with what happened. I most definitely was not okay, but he already knew that. The memories of everything that happened to us was compiled and smooshed all together in this singular moment.

"It's okay, Bells. You don't have to be strong. Not for me."

Tears started to brim at my eyes as I looked at him. A sympathetic smirk pulled up at the corner of his mouth. All I could do was try to keep it together for dinner.

He extended a hand to me and ran it down my arm. I took a shaky breath, and used the electric feeling to center me for just a moment. I swiped at the tears before they could fall and gave him a quick smile. "I'm fine. Let's get this dinner over with."

"Lead the way," he agreed in a quiet whisper. He followed me up the steps, his hand steady on my lower back, and I didn't mind it at all. It was reassurance, literal and figurative. No matter what, Jake wouldn't let me fall. I knew that.

When I reentered the dining room, no one appeared to notice, and if they did everyone was a fantastic actor. Charlie was laughing at something someone said, and he'd even reached out to grasp onto Sue's hand.

My heart fluttered for a moment at the sight, but I looked away to make sure not to call undue attention to it. We resumed our seats, and Jake gave me a reassuring nod, which was helpful. Leah picked at her food with her fork, appetite gone. Emily eyed me from down the table, asking a million questions in a simple look. I mouthed a 'later' to her, and that seemed to satisfy her and Sam. Quil, Jared, and Embry had heard and seen the entire thing. I could feel their eyes on me, and while Jared looked ecstatic, Quil and Embry were pouting. Probably because their little three-person no imprint pack just lost a member.

A hand crept up near my thigh, and I froze. It was Dylan's. He gave me a squeeze, and a long look that I knew was a silent question if I was okay. I gave him a reassuring smile, but knew it didn't reach my eyes. It hurt to look at him, and I gulped down the surge of emotion that came with it.

We all finished the meal in silence, and tried to get through the rest of the evening without breaking down. At least, that's how I felt. We all sat in the living room around Charlie and soaked in his presence. I sat on the floor beside Leah, and Dylan beside me. He held my hand, his thumb running gentle slow circles on the back of it. It felt…wrong, and that made me upset. Because thirty minutes ago it didn't feel wrong at all.

Jake was on the couch beside me, his knee jiggling gently beside my shoulder. Sam, Emily, and the twins left early, so we all just sat around and…hung out. Mostly, we listened to Charlie and his work friends talk. It reminded me of being a child again, when all of us were too tired to continue playing, so we just sat around and waited for the parents to be done talking.

Finally, everyone started to leave. Leah practically ran to the car, honking the horn every ten or so minutes that Sue and Charlie were kept up talking. Soon enough, it was only me, Jake, Billy, and Dylan. Charlie and Billy were talking animatedly, and…I wasn't sure where Jake was. Probably smoking.

Dylan mulled around the kitchen, slowly cleaning up. I watched him for a moment before announcing my presence. "Thank you for your help tonight."

He paused with a snort and shook his head as he walked over to me. "I made a mess tonight—I can tell," he ran his hands up and down my arms. I caught his hands and entwined my fingers with his.

I bit my lip, unsure what to say. "It's…complicated. Leah, I mean. She's complicated, but she's lovely, really."

"She seems like it," he said with a hearty roll of his eyes. My stomach sank, and I felt like I was watching my old self. A mirror reflection of my life before it had been turned on end. But…maybe it wouldn't end that way with him. I started to tear up anyway, so I turned sharply on my heel and began to clean up.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" He tried to get my attention, but I refused as I trained my eyes on stacking all the dirty dishes. I didn't have an answer for him, because everything was wrong. There wasn't a single thing that was right, in fact.

"It…" I swiped at my nose, "it's been a long night. That's all. I'm glad my dad is still here."

The lie was bitter on my tongue. Another piece of me that the supernatural took from me—my honesty.

He held me from behind like he did earlier in the evening, his chin resting on my shoulder. "Oh, Bella. I'm glad he's here too. I never would have met you."

That did me in. The tears began noisily dripping onto the counter below. He never would have met Leah, either. At least for months at the least. I tried to tell myself that at least it happened now and not after we'd been together for a while. But that was the thing…we would have been together for a while. Maybe a year. Maybe two. He was the ideal partner.

I twisted in his arms, trying to put on my best face. "I think I'm just tired."

He gave me a sad smile and pushed his glasses up his nose. "I know. Why don't you go up to bed, and I'll finish up here."

I looked at the messy kitchen. It was too much for me to handle on a good day, let alone someone who knew where nothing was. I shook my head, "I, um, think I just want to have some time with my dad."

I didn't need to say any more—he got the message. "Right, well I'll get out of your hair. You'll call me?"

I nodded to him, unable to say anything because at that moment I just didn't know anymore. Really, the choice was completely gone.

He gave me a delicate, sweet kiss before he brushed past me and left. I heard the front door shut, and my feet carried me to watch him leave.

"Dylan," I called after him as I stood on the porch. There was a healthy cool breeze in the air that gave it an edge of a chill. He stopped halfway across the yard, and turned to me with a viciously beautiful smile.

"Thank you, for tonight."

He didn't say anything, but laughed with a small shake of his head as he got into his car and drove away. My chin trembled furiously as I held back the emotion and wrapped my arms around myself.

My eyes caught on a small glow beside my car in the driveway. It was Jake, leaned up against the hood while the glowing orange tip of his cigarette. He wasn't grinning with his usual amusement. Instead he watched me with an intense pitying gaze that was filled with nothing but understanding.

My body slumped with exhaustion and I folded onto the stairs. My head fell into my hands, too heavy to carry anymore. A laugh bubbled from my lips, shaking my shoulders in a way that felt all too similar to crying, but I had no more tears to shed.

Heavy boot footsteps ascended the stairs, and I felt the heat of him before he sat beside me. Cigarette smoke drifted in my direction, it smelled alluring and sweet tonight.

I lifted my head as it got stronger, and saw it extended to me, right in front of my face. I took it without any other word. Jake leaned back, lounging on the steps as he looked up at the wintry sky.

It burned my throat and left a sticky sweet and spicy feeling on the back of my tongue.

"So, tonight went well," Jake snorted.

I handed the cigarette back, and he took it carefully as his fingers dwarfed mine. "Mm. Nothing like the reminder that we can never truly escape it—can we?"

Jake's eyes flicked to mine as he inhaled. "I stopped trying to escape it a long time ago."

The statement stumped me. I thought we were in agreement still, but apparently not.

"Really? So that's why there's no girls and you break all the rules now."

He chuckled, leaning back so his elbow held all of his weight on the steps. You'd think he was lounging in bed with how comfortable he appeared. I was nearly shivering underneath the weight of the cold night.

"You're so obsessed with the girls and the agreement. Some things never change"

"The agreement is the only thing that kept us who we are today. The girls…well, I could have done without that." I smirked at him with a tilt of my head. His eyes flashed with a spark of fierce passion.

"But it was all pointless. Especially now."

"What makes you say that?"

He shrugged with a smirk, "don't touch. Don't talk unless we have to. Do what we want when we want. Don't listen for the feelings." He tapped his chest. "It's all pointless because now it's too strong."

There wasn't a single incorrect word in his statement. It was too strong, as if fighting it had actually made it worse.

"You're right. At one point it didn't feel like literal fire when we touched. And now look where we are now." Jake passed the cigarette back to me again, our fingers brushing with the buzzing electricity that only further proved my point.

"Mm. Now Leah gets to live it. Maybe it won't go that way, but—"

"She has no idea."

"Not a clue."

We passed the cigarette back and forth until it was only a burnt nub. He lit another without me asking.

"I'm sorry about Dylan. I could tell you liked him."

A lump climbed up the back of my throat. "Yes, but you know how it is. I can't be mad about it. As attached as my mind wanted to be, my body won't let me. God…It makes me feel defective."

"You aren't defective, Bells."

"Sure, Jake. Really convincing when I can like someone as much as possible, the maximum amount, even. But I can't love them—that's…it's cruel and unfair. And now that's what Leah gets too? No choice? It's completely ripped from you. I don't want them to end up like us."

"What's wrong with us, really? Our situation was too unique. We'd been together since we were teens, and I wanted to party in my early twenties. You wanted to go and do the college, read all day and lounge route. We were bound to split at some point…but their situation is different. They're older, and more mature. We all are now."

I couldn't help but sneer at the statement. "Doubtful. I don't even feel twenty-eight. Mentally…I'm maybe twenty at most."

He arched his brow. "An age regression? Last we checked I'm pretty sure you stood at thirty two and I was encroaching my forties."

"Well, that was when you were all alpha macho, and I was trying to fit in with that strange life. I like it better now than before."

"Me too. So, now you're twenty and I'm maybe twenty-two."

I stared at him for a while. "For you too? I thought you would have said fifties by now."

He snorted, "no. I think I'm more clueless now than I've ever been."

"You? Clueless? Please elaborate." I watched him contemplate the answer, the cigarette he still held was burned all the way to the nub. He squished it with his finger and took out another.

"You really want to know?"

"Jake, I can literally feel your emotions. Tell me or I'll probably figure it out anyway," I shrugged.

He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. "I just don't know what to do with you being here. Everything about you is…different. I feel different. And the pull to you is stronger than ever. It's almost impossible to stay away for long."

"So, that's why you're around all the time." He didn't laugh, only shrugged in a noncommittal way. I sobered, his words sinking in. "I get it. You know I feel the same, unfortunately."

"I do."

He sat up, leaning on his knees as he faced me. His heat was now prevalent enough to completely eliminate the chill that ran to my bones. The glasses of wine buzzed in my body as I tried and failed to understand why his allure was almost going to make me cave. I knew what happened if we did. It would only be a never ending cycle of hurt—wouldn't it?

"You're…making me dizzy," I sputtered and looked away. "It's confusing."

"I wish I could disagree, but you're right. You are confusing. We both should hate each other. I mean, all we do is fight."

"Not all the time anymore." I already knew what followed that statement.

"True, fine—most of the time we fight. But, I can never be mad at you for too long. I can pretend, but something about you is so…perfect. Every time I talk to you I'm reminded of that."

"Jesus Jake, lay it on thick would you?"

He barked out a laugh and nudged me with his shoulder. "I changed my mind. I loathe you." His striking dark eyes pierced into mine and I knew what he meant, even without saying it.

"I loathe you too," my eyes were magnetized, unable to look away.

The words were piled with intricate layers of a thousand more that neither of us would say. His lashes bracketed his perfect, soul filled eyes. His plump lips that I knew tasted smoky with a hint of spice. Every part of his body called to mine, and mine to his. I really did hate it—stupid supernatural.

No choice. No choices for anyone, and I'd been brutally reminded of it tonight. I looked away from him finally and was able to catch my breath.

"You've got to stop doing that."

"Why do you even fight it anymore? What's the point?" His voice was gentle, coaxing a genuine answer out of me even if I didn't want to give him one. I rested my heavy head on his shoulder. It was instantly soothing to the beginning of the headache that verged at my temples.

"Because Jake, we aren't good for eachother. We…we don't really love each other. It's magic, sure, but genuine love isn't part of that magic. We just have this thing," I pointed to my chest. "It's the only thing that pushes us together. If we didn't have it, then we would never speak again."

"I don't think that's true. And even if it was, what's so bad about that? Doesn't that mean that fate—"

"Fate has nothing to do with this. Fate is predetermined, and again, magic. This is a genetic predisposition that gives you the best likelihood of having strong wolves. Don't you find that fucked up?"

"You call it soulmates, though."

"For the others. But us? I don't think we are soulmates. Everyone else's souls are perfectly built for one another like the other piece of a puzzle. We…we're opposites. Have nothing alike, and soulmates don't fight the way that we do. We are vindictive, and cruel to each other."

"I don't believe that for a second. We are more than a genetic match. The connection is so much more than that—you just use the washed down version of it to cope."

"Maybe, but I don't think I'd ever want to find out." Maybe. If he kept being this nice to me…I didn't want to even think about that.

"I don't think it would be as bad as you think."

"What wouldn't?" I snapped at him, my voice meaner than I intended and I instantly felt bad. He brushed it off, still watching my every breath and move. I could tell from the intense thrill that coursed through my body from it.

"Being together, of course. We are made for one another."

I recoiled inside and outside. "That's not…no. We aren't. It was a mix up." I gasped, completely surprised he'd mentioned that at all with such a casual tone.

"Think what you want, Bella. I just think that you've made it out to be a lot worse than it actually was."

"And I think you're the one who's forgotten just how bad it was."

"Oh, I remember. But we're older now. Don't you want…security? That never ending love? Children, family, and community?"

His arm curled around me and started to run down the side of my head. He played with the curls at the end of my hair, and it gave me shivers. "You're telling me that you don't feel this pull? It wasn't like this. We weren't ready before, I'm convinced of it."

It was comfortable now. More than just the baseline comfort that happened when I was around him. It did feel like something more beyond the ironclad bond we had. Maybe it was Jake himself. He sounded…so perceptive to the idea, I wonder what gave him the true change of heart.

I reached out for his other hand that hung off of his knee. I inspected his calloused, but simultaneously soft palms. Tough from working on vehicles, but accelerated healing never allowed them to become too far from their frozen state. His fingers wrapped around mine, a loose twist that made the electricity between us exchange in the ever peaceful way it always did. Being with him soothed me to my very core. I hated that. It felt like it wasn't a part of me, Bella, but a part of my body chemistry. It was unfair. I wanted to love Jake because he was Jake. Not because my body and mind told me to.

"I'm sick of loving and wanting people for the wrong reasons. I think I'm going to be alone forever."

His fingers paused in my hair, and I could feel his heart rate climb as it raced and whooshed through his entire being. He squeezed my fingers tighter and placed a chaste kiss on my forehead.

"Yeah, Bells. Me too."

We sat in silence together for a long time. So long, I wasn't sure how long it had been but my eyes had begun to drift shut and my body started to feel heavy with sleep.

"Hey, there you are, Bella. I've been looking all over—" Charlie's voice abruptly cut off, and I lifted my head to see him wide-eyed staring at us through the doorway. I unfurled my body from Jake's and started to head back up the stairs.

Charlie looked absolutely flabbergasted, and I could see that he wanted to ask, but thought better of it. I went back inside and to the kitchen as if nothing were amiss. As if my head wasn't swimming with every single thought and my legs weren't absolutely gelatinous.

He followed me into the kitchen, and I heard Jake slowly trying to convince Billy in the living room to leave.

"Care to share?" Was all Charlie said. I shrugged, tossing him a 'maybe' look over my shoulder as I began to put things away and tidy up the rest of the way.

He stood in the center of the kitchen, and I wondered if he was going to demand answers right then and now, but eventually he conceded with a huff and disappeared from the kitchen.

I cleaned up in silence, although my mind was the polar opposite of that. Jake came in briefly to say goodbye, but I couldn't bear to look at him for it. He understood, and when Billy and him were gone, Charlie descended.

"What the hell was that? Or am I supposed to pretend I didn't see that?"

I rubbed at my temple, the exhaustion headache coming back full force. "Dad, I really can't do this right now. A lot happened, and Jake was just being there for me—"

"Oh, do not give me that 'he's just my friend' bullshit. You're long past that and you know it. What about Dylan?"

"Dylan…Dylan is complicated. I don't know if I can see him anymore."

"I wonder why," Charlie grumbled.

My annoyance spiked. "Are you really going to be mad about that? It was destined to not work out anyway."

"No, Bells, I'm not mad. I'm just…you always say that about every single person you're with. How can you be so sure? Why is it always Jake?"

I set the dish down that I'd been washing. It clanked in the sink from my aggression. "Dad, I wish I could tell you, I really do." I took a deep breath, trying to muster all of my patience and not ruin the evening. "I'm going up to bed, I think I've had enough for the night."

I shouldered past Charlie, but he caught my arm before I could get too far. I glared at him, but knew it was more an expression of exhaustion. "I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you. That's all. I just…want you to be happy."

"Thanks, dad." I patted his arm and slowly went upstairs. My bedroom was perfectly silent, the window left open just a crack so that the fresh winter air soaked through it. I barely touched my pillow before I fell into a dreamless sleep.