Chapter 5–Consideration

One could not love with a heavy heart consumed by others.

I couldn't write with a heavy heart, either, apparently. I slammed the laptop shut, and circled my room. My mind reached for ideas that slipped through my fingers. I was too distracted.

Leah hadn't spoken to me the entire week. I refused to call Dylan out of fear of what to say, and Jake had been by twice, but only to drop off Billy. Things weren't awkward, per se, he mentioned he was busy at the garage. I didn't know what to do with the information, despite Charlie talking for me and telling Jake I was plenty busy with my writing.

It was ridiculous how he was acting now. Like he knew anything at all—he didn't—and that he could even control the outcome. I was an adult that could make adult decisions.

And that's why I was mulling the vague idea of visiting the garage in hopes I could corner Leah. It wasn't the best option, but Emily had given me the idea the night before, so I was fully blaming her for it. I even baked some cookies as an exchange and an excuse to be there.

It took me a solid forty minutes to find the perfect outfit and hairstyle. Aiming to appear busy at work, but had enough to stop by, I put on a viridian ribbed fitted skirt with a brown sweater over it with a low ponytail. Chic and adult—I hoped.

The drive there was excruciatingly long and two times I broke out into a cold sweat with nerves. What was I going to say to her? Was she going to be angry? I shook the thoughts from my head, because I didn't even know if she was going to be available at all.

My memory proved me true in providing perfect ability to recall where the garage was. Tucked a bit back into the forest with a long driveway was a ginormous, almost barn looking cool gray building. It…wasn't pretty. But were they supposed to be? I didn't think so.

The moment my tires started to trek through the softened, muddy soil, I regretted wearing my nice boots. I would just have to grin and bear it. For Leah.

I saw Leah's car there, and my heart leapt with promise. I could do this, most definitely. The moment I parked the car, the farthest left garage door creaked open and Jake stepped out of it. My mind was not prepared to see him in his black t-shirt and heavy work pants. His hands wrung themselves on a towel, wiping streaks of black grease all over. Oh boy.

Jake squinted and slowly approached the car. I rolled down my window, my whole body buzzing with nerves to the point I questioned if I was going to throw up.

He smirked, throwing his braided hair over his shoulder. "What—you break something on your new car?"

I narrowed my eyes, frowning as I patted the steering wheel with affection. "Absolutely not. I take care of this thing, so don't even start."

"Yeah, alright," he leaned up to peer at the windshield and pushed a dirty finger against the overdue valvoline sticker. I gasped, and reached to peel it off before he could read it too close. His lips pursed as he gave me a long look of disapproval. "Bella," the heavy disappointment in his voice was nothing but ardent. I cringed, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Jake, I—just let me speak to Leah. That's why I'm here."

He flicked the towel underneath his arm and folded his arms as he assessed me with a lifted brow. "Mm, I don't know. She's not going to like it. Will you let me change your oil?"

A laugh bubbled from my lips, feeling childish. "You can't change mine, but you can change my car's."

He rolled his eyes so far that I could only see the whites of his eyes. "Ha ha. Never heard that one before. Come on in, I'll get Leah for you."

I blew out the breath I'd been holding and grabbed the oversized tray of cookies. "Perfect, wait, take these."

He paused with his back turned to me, and I saw him look at the sky in a desperate plea of 'why me.' When he turned back to me, he had a fake customer service style grin plastered to his face. He took the tray with one hand, nodding once. "Is that all?"

I was going to answer, but when I opened the car door and looked at the mushy ground, I hesitated. Jake scoffed as he looked me up and down. You'd think I was dressed like an alien by the way he looked at me.

"What the fuck are you wearing?"

I scoffed, glaring at him. "Clothes? Maybe you shouldn't touch my car after all and should go get your eyes check—"

"Alright, alright. Enough," he rolled his eyes dramatically before stomping into the lobby muttering various forms of. "Who wears that to the garage?"

I waited patiently, expecting to see Leah come storming out. Instead it was Jake only a second later, empty handed. He stopped in front of the door and held out his hands, "come on." He didn't waste a second before he stooped forward and scooped me into his arms.

"Hey! Put me down!" I thrashed in his arms, ignoring his heavy chuckles that vibrated through my whole body.

"Bella, I'm not putting you down in the mud you nearly refused to walk through. Now shush, or everyone's gonna see."

My mouth immediately clamped shut for fear of everyone seeing me carried like some sort of princess into the waiting room. Thankfully, no one was there. He set me down, grimacing slightly.

"What?"

The twisted expression remained as he plucked at a part of my sweater in the back. "Really, you shouldn't wear nice clothes here. I got a bit of…"

I whipped part of my sweater around, hiding a gasp of horror as the deep brown now had a smudge of black on it. I bit my tongue and put on a grim smile—all I could manage.

"That's alright, really. It's my fault."

He rubbed at the back of his next, obviously apologetic, and I thought he might have said more if we weren't interrupted.

"Jake, I don't want to listen to whatever you have to say. Bella can—" Leah stopped in her tracks when she met my eyes. I saw her gulp down the remainder of her words as a weak smile grew on her face. "What're you doing here?"

"To talk, obviously," I rolled my eyes. "You haven't answered any of my calls."

Leah sputtered out a nervous laugh as she smoothed her hair. "I've been busy."

"Bullshit. I haven't done anything, you didn't need to avoid me." I looked back to where Jake had been standing and found he was already gone, along with the keys that sat in my hand only a moment before. "Jake was more responsive than you."

Leah groaned, looking to the ceiling before she slumped in the front desk chair. She set her head in her hands. "I'm sorry, Bella, really. I just…didn't know what to say."

"And I do? I haven't known what to do at all. I've been avoiding Dylan. I need to know what you want me to do with him."

Leah visibly flinched at the name. "Don't—"

"No, we have to talk about this."

"I can't. Not right now. Just…do what you want. I want you to be happy."

"Well that would be a lot easier if I knew what you were doing. Are you still seeing—"

"No. I…I need to be alone right now. Just for a little bit. From everyone."

The rejection stuck in my heart like a thorn. "Leah, you need people. Friends. Don't push me away because of this."

"I'm not," she folded her arms tighter around herself. "Just give me some more time."

I straightened as I realized it was a lost cause. I was seething with irritation, and couldn't think of anything to say. "Fine," I threw up my hands and stormed out of the lobby. My boots were a thought of the past as I headed towards the only open garage door.

Jake leaned over my car, his eyes not parting with some part under the hood. "Told you so."

I slumped into a nearby plastic chair that wobbled precariously under my weight. "Yeah, whatever." I propped my head in my hands. "What am I going to do? Just never talk to Dylan again?"

"That's an option. Or you can listen to Leah and do what makes you happy. You know how it is, so what would you do if you were her?"

I thought about it for a moment. If I had been the one to imprint on someone she liked, I would've…done exactly what she's doing right now. Avoid until the problem went away, and I knew I'd never have to see him again.

"Okay," I blew out a deep breath, my mind made up.

"Okay? As in, you already know what you're going to do?" Jake glanced up at me for half a second before bending down again and muttering something about what a, "piece of junk," my car was.

"That makes you surprised?"

He continued to mutter for a moment before straightening and turning to face me fully. "I mean, a bit. You used to be impulsive, sure, but decisive?" He shook his head with a mirthful smirk. "I'm impressed."

"Oh, that means so much, really." I rolled my eyes and stood. "Can you be done now? I need to get back."

He chuckled, shaking his head. "I haven't even started. Do you know that you have dangerously low brake fluid, and possibly a leak?"

I wrinkled my nose as I looked at my car, unsure how to answer because he knew that of course I didn't know that. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You're going to need to give me at least an hour, maybe a bit longer."

My eyes felt like they were going to fall out of my head. "An hour? With…with Leah or you? No, can we do this another day? I have things I need to deal with now."

He mirrored my expression, mouth agape. "It would be immoral to let you drive this thing any further. You'll end up broken down or dead."

"Jake," I began to argue, but a sudden and unexpected heavy spark of anxiety punctured my heart and yanked the breath from my lungs. It was confusing, because I was looking at Jake, and he showed not even an ounce of stress or anxiety. Maybe disappointment, but nothing that would mirror the feeling that I had inside of me.

That…hadn't happened before. Sure, there was occasional pain that spiked and a rawness, even lust transferred between us like on Christmas. That was insignificant, and unimportant. I'd become accustomed to those feelings so much that I hardly even thought about them anymore. But that…that was different.

I gulped as I tried to catch my breath as my chest felt like it was being slowly crushed. Jake looked at me for a long time, his gaze narrowed in scrutiny.

"Fine. It's fine, I'll stay."

The suffocating grip in my chest immediately released, and I could take in a deep breath again. Jake turned back to my car as if nothing were amiss. My mind whirred as I considered if I should say anything at all, and if so, what?

"Are you…alright?" The words tumbled out of my mouth sloppily.

Jake didn't even look up. "Yeah, why?"

I was shocked at the blatant lie, even though I shouldn't have been. Those feelings were not mine to feel. At least not with that form of intensity. "I don't know. I just thought I felt…something." My fingers absently brushed against my chest, right on the breastbone where the pain had radiated from only moments ago.

He stood up so quick he knocked his head on the hood of the car. A string of curses flowed out of his mouth before he looked up at me with heavy irritation. "What are you talking about?"

I could feel a pulse of fear, most likely my own as I stood up in an attempt to be more level with him. Our height discrepancy always made it feel like he didn't take me seriously.

"Why are you so stressed? Over the car?"

Jake frowned and ran a hand through his hair in a telltale sign of him trying to reach for some form of bullshit to tell me instead of the truth.

"You! You're lying about something," I gasped and pointed an accusational finger at him. "Tell me, right now."

Jake scoffed, "Bella, it's nothing."

I folded my arms, channeling all of my worries into seething fury. "Don't give me that shit."

"I…I just want you to be more careful on the road," he rubbed at the back of his neck and avoided my stare.

"Jacob Black, you're lying to me. Tell me this instant."

He folded his arms too now, looking down his nose at me. "I'm not lying."

"You're not telling the whole truth."

His tongue poked in his cheek as he glared at me. "There's more…activity as of late. And I'm worried. A broken down car is literally the last thing you need right now."

I arched a heavy brow, though I knew that my quickened heart rate gave me away. "Activity? As in…"

He rolled his eyes, "yes, Bella. Vampires."

The sudden spike of anxiety made sense now, as my own heart began to mimic the feeling all over again. My stomach cranked into a knot, and I began to feel woozy.

"Jesus, sit down."

I felt Jake's fiery touch push me into the weak plastic chair again. There would always be a part of me that was intrinsically fearful of that particular species of human. They were fast, strong, sure, but what scared me the most was their blatant disrespect for everything that made one human. They didn't care if they killed someone's partner, or parent, or child. We were all the same to them—weak.

"It's…I don't want to say it's nothing you have to worry about, but it's something on my mind. I didn't mean for it to get so strong and consuming like that. If it's any consolation, we are all worried. It's not just me."

I tried to take deep breaths as the cool feeling of numbed fingertips overtook my attention. I gripped my hands into my fists and pushed them under my arms. Falling apart over such an insignificant thing was embarrassing, and I wouldn't do it. My mind still pried for a way out—a way to solve the problem.

"Do I need to leave? Phoenix was—"

"No," Jake barked all too quickly. He looked to the ceiling as his jaw twitched. "I…need you to be close. You should be allowed to live where you want without fear, anyway."

"I know, but—"

"But nothing, Bella. That's enough. I wasn't even going to tell you, because sure it's a fluke and things will calm down in a bit. I just want you to stay out of unnecessary problems, like a car issue."

"And if it isn't? A fluke, I mean."

This made him pause, a sadness melding into his expression. "It'll be fine, Bella. You're safe." I grumbled and set my head in my hands, nothing else to be said. Jake turned back to my car, and I could see the rotating tension in his shoulders as he worked.

The truth was that I felt safe when I was here, surrounded by a bunch of people who had senses sharper than mine. But, I hated that. I wanted to be normal, and to be able to be around normal people without feeling painfully exposed to nature's dangers.

I watched Jake as he worked in silence save for some crude comments about my car. It was taking forever, but at least I didn't have actual things to do. Leah didn't come out, and there was no one else there for the day so it felt strangely reminiscent of our teenage and early adult life. Except with a lot less talking.

"Remember when I used to be here everyday? Or at your real garage."

Jake snorted from underneath the car. "This is the real garage."

"No," I shrugged, feeling a zing of giddiness at the happy change of subject. I couldn't think about vampires any more or I would die of panic. "I mean, Billy's place. That's the real garage."

He slid out from underneath the car and eyed me from my leaning stance beside the open door as I watched the rain drizzle from the branches of the surrounding trees. "That's…interesting, because this is the real garage. That place was makeshift and falling apart."

I frowned at the sentiment. "It was cozy."

He flashed me an unexpected grin. "You thought it was cozy there? I thought you hated it."

"Hated it? It was my favorite place to be." It was true. Every single time my mind delved into those memories I felt a mixed pang of happiness and sadness. Sadness that I didn't try to commit every second of it to memory. Happiness that I remembered at least a good chunk of it.

"And this place…it's not your favorite?" He stood, wiping his hands on that musty rag again as he tilted his head in question.

"Mm, no. This place is yours and other people's. The real garage…that place was ours." I smirked at the fond memories that flooded my mind. When I looked back at Jake, the corners of his mouth pulled down at the corners. "What?" I asked before even screening myself if I wanted the answer.

"I just…yeah, it kind of was our place. Maybe that's why I don't go there anymore."

My heart sank. "You don't?"

Our conversation from Christmas ricocheted in my head. Of all the bad things that happened, he was right. There was good inside of it—so much good. Maybe only the bad parts were prevalent in my thoughts, but apparently the good things were there too.

Jake shook his head. "It has a lot of…memories."

"It does," I agreed with a slight gnaw on my lip as I tried to keep my other words at bay but couldn't. "Maybe we should go back one day."

He didn't seem to care about the comment as he surveyed my car with a distracted tone. "Maybe," he shook his head and sighed, "well, I'm done. It should be good for now, one of the lines needs to be replaced. Just…take it easy with it, take it home, and I'll pick up the part and I'll come by and fix it tonight."

I'd been wrapped into my writing. Curled up on the couch with a glass of wine, my fluffiest robe, and my favorite pair of fuzzy socks with my laptop perched carefully on my lap. Charlie wasn't going to be home until the middle of the night, leaving me to my own devices. Because of that, there wasn't a single thing on my mind except for my story as the words flowed out of me like honey.

But, like usual, my peace was never for too long. A knock on the door shattered every thought into a million pieces. Panic shot through my body as I tried to collect my thoughts that had fallen onto the metaphorical floor before me.

How could I have forgotten?

The knock came again with twice the force. "Bella! Open up, it's just me."

I ran for the door, slipped on the mat, and ended up on my back. My head spun the same as the room as I completely lost all sense of direction in my disorientation. I laid there for a moment or two, maybe three.

"Jesus christ, what'd you do?"

My eyes sprang open to see Jake looming over me with his devilish grin. I screamed, flinching on instinct. "How did you get in here?" I panted, still laying on the floor. I couldn't get up yet. My head and body wouldn't let me.

Jake's head tilted as he looked at me, still grinning. "You always leave the back door unlocked."

I groaned, throwing my arm over my face as I felt a steady heat climb up it. Could this get any worse? Why did it always have to be Jake that saw the most embarrassing parts of me?

He cleared his throat, and when I opened my eyes I saw his hand was extended. "Come on, up you go."

Jake yanked me to my feet, and my knees went weak with mortification. I stood on them, as gelatinous as they were, and spared a glance up at Jake. He was nearly laughing, his mouth pressed to an amused but thin line.

"You look nice." He extended his hand again and I looked at it in question. "Keys?"

Nice? I looked nice in a ginormous robe, my hair piled on my head, and purple fuzzy socks? Please, tell me this was a joke. I tried not to dwell on it, and reached around him to grab the keys that hung on the hook.

He snatched them from my hand without a second glance and bounded out of the door. It was snowing outside, which was deplorable, but tonight it wasn't too bad.

Soft, full snowflakes floated around before landing gently on the ground. The world was muted and peaceful. I followed Jake out to the car and wrapped my robe tighter all the way to my neck. Jake cast a sideways glance at me as he pulled open the hood. I was slightly mesmerized by the way the snowflakes disappeared the instant they touched any part of Jake's person.

"Go inside, it's freezing out here."

I lifted a precarious brow. "You can't even feel the cold."

He pulled something from my car with a violent jerk that made me question the validity of whatever he was doing. "Maybe not, but snow means cold. That much hasn't changed. Go inside."

"I'm fine. I, um, wanted to know what Leah said after I left." My whole body tensed in a cringe of anticipation.

Jake paused for a moment, a small scoff leaving him. "She's upset right now, Bella. Just leave it be."

"No—I mean, I can't. She's my best friend." My body ached in a building of sadness that I was trying not to think about. Still, the tears burned the back of my throat as I tried to stop it.

Jake let out a deep sigh, his shoulders caved and his head bowed. "It's…hard for her. She won't shift because she doesn't want us to see how she really feels. I know, though. I know that it's painful for her to be so far away and to ignore it."

The nagging raw and burning sensation in my chest flared as a small reminder that I knew exactly what it was. It never went away, but after so many years it just didn't reach the front of my mind anymore. Leah didn't deserve this.

The stuffed sadness was coming out now. I could feel it as the pressure mounted to be almost unbearable. My chin trembled, and I sniffed a bit too loud. Jake's head snapped around, an assessing gaze immediately turning to sad and pity filled. His head fell again.

"Bella, it's going to be fine."

I swiped at the tears before they fell and nodded furiously. "I just don't want this to ruin our relationship." My face crumpled then, and I couldn't stop it. I hid my face behind my hand as I tried to get it together.

His heavy arms wrapped around me, encasing me in a bubble of warmth and endless comfort. It was terrible, really, because my entire self melted into a blubbering mess. His hands ran down my back in soothing lines as I cried.

"She would never stop being your friend. Ever. I promise you that. She's just in—"

"Pain, I-I know. I know how much it hurts. I don't want that for her," I sobbed, hiccoughing.

"Maybe that won't happen to them, Bells." A finger swooped underneath my face, tilting my chin up to meet his gaze. He really did look perfectly empathetic to my tumultuous feelings. "They could fall madly in love, and live happily ever after. Just like the rest of them."

And not us.

The fact was sobering. I instantly released him and took a step back. My tears dried as if they'd never come. "Right. You're right—I'm being silly."

"No, no." He reached out, but his hands dropped when I took a step back. "You're not being silly. I think it's normal what you feel… especially with what happened between us. But it won't be like that, really it won't. Even if she doesn't want to pursue him, it won't be like how it is between us now."

I nodded, my emotions piddling out as he talked in a perfect sense that my stresses understood. "And what is it between us now?"

His lips pursed in thought. "Some sort of limbo? I'm not sure. I don't think I've ever felt sure about what we were."

I considered it for a moment, and he was right. Even when we were together, there was a degree of uncertainty. The want for other things, and feeling forced to be together. It was terrible, really. I wondered if I'd ever allowed there to be true passion and intimacy in our relationship as young adults, and the answer was no. There was no way for us to conceptualize the complexities and importance of certain aspects of a relationship.

So, of course Leah and Dylan wouldn't end up like that. It wouldn't ruin our friendship, because they would handle things differently since we were adults.

I nodded, giving Jake a weak smile. "You're right. I'm sorry," I choked out.

He chuckled and turned back to the car. "Don't apologize to me, of all people. Never worry about apologizing to me," he mumbled.

It was…strange, how kind he was right now. I mean, not completely, but still felt odd like at any point he would tense up and gouge me with a biting insult. Then again, he said he was done fighting it anymore. Is this what he meant by that?

I shivered, my body demanding I part from him before my mind was prepared to. Jake sighed heavily, opening his mouth without a doubt to say something about it, but I cut him off.

"When you're done…do you want to, or do you have time to stay around? I can make us something."

Jake's hands paused again in their work, and I watched as his face scrunched in confusion. He looked back at me with incredulity. "Yeah, yeah, of course."

A thorough zap of anticipation and unexpected nerves coursed through me. I hurried back inside the house and rushed into the kitchen. I stared at the cupboards as my mind drew a blank. There wasn't anything worthwhile for ingredients so I picked up the phone to order pizza. Since Charlie wasn't home, it was the perfect excuse for something so simple and delicious. Plus, I knew Jake would eat it all.

I bounded to the living room after and opened my laptop, renewed with concentration and calm after the burst of emotions and relationship revelations. It wasn't a moment later that I was engrossed in my writing again.

The slam of the front door drew my attention. Jake loomed over me with his arms full of pizza and a shining bright smile.

"Car's fixed. Scoot over."

He sat beside me, the couch dipped and nearly threw me in his lap with the sheer force he tossed himself down. I slid further away and my laptop nearly fell onto the floor. Jake caught it with a stern, wordless look of admonishment before setting it on the coffee table. I couldn't help but notice the way his eyes skimmed the page I was working on, and I promptly slammed the screen shut. No one, especially him, was supposed to see that.

He chuckled at me, but said nothing as he handed me a slice of pizza and began flipping through the tv channels. He stopped on Downton Abbey, and I shot him a questioning and mildly disgusted look.

"What?" He smirked, already halfway through a piece with always surprising speed. I curled up on my side of the couch, and said nothing for a moment. Because he was obviously trying to appease me, and I hated that.

"You can turn on a game or something. I'm pretty sure Charlie has every ESPN channel, there's always something on."

His face scrunched up, "no thanks. Unless that's what you want…"

"No, no. It's fine," I said quickly. We ate in silence and watched as Matthew kissed Lavinia's hand before leaving. Jake tutted before chomping into another slice.

"Right before things really hit the fan." He rolled his eyes and sank further into the couch as he threw his arm over the back of it, which nearly stretched across the whole thing.

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, and was surprised to see him completely engrossed in the show. Was this reality?

I tried not to look at him, too afraid of looking too accusational. "Do you even know what's going on?"

Jake glanced at me before his eyes returned to the screen. "Yeah I've seen it a few times. Aside from when you used to watch it, naturally." He waved the question off as he fell into the show again.

"Sorry—I just mean that this isn't your usual sort of show."

"Maybe not, but it's a good one. I like it."

I scoffed at the unsurpassable casualness of his tone. "Why?"

He glanced at me again, this time for longer than a fleeting second. "Because," his throat bobbed.

"Because…" I urged with a wave of my hand. What was his problem?

"It reminds me of you," he shrugged in obvious discomfort.

My jaw went slack. "You do not."

His mouth twitched in the corner as he narrowed his eyes at me. "I do. Do you have a problem with it?"

"Of course not, I just never expected you to do anything that reminded you of me…"

This earned a dramatic roll of his eyes as he leaned in closer. "That's not true. I do everything that makes me think of you. Not hard to do though, because most of the time I'm thinking about you anyway. You're the one who avoids doing anything that reminds you of heartbreak, not me."

My heart leapt from my chest. His earnest eyes and daring mouth that spoke the truth. And…if he only knew that his accusation was wrong. Entirely wrong, even. With my book sitting inches from us, it contained every piece of our entwined souls on the pages. He didn't need to know that. He didn't need to know that he consumed my every thought even though I didn't want it to.

"I…" don't say it, I begged my mind as the words sat dangerously on the tip of my tongue. "I think about you too. Mostly about mundane things."

The pull in my chest was excruciating with him only inches from me. I could feel my anxiety mixing with his nerves as they called to my attention. Always so skilled at ignoring them, until I wasn't. Then our emotions became an amalgamated mess inside of me.

I could feel the hand that was over the back of the couch reach up to play with one of the loose curls at the nape of my neck.

"Of course, it's only natural," he murmured. He retracted his hand and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand, almost shaking his head as if he'd become lost in thought about it. "So, I never asked what you decided about Dylan. What you were going to do."

The question startled my system completely, as I'd once again forgotten about him. Guilt swam up to the surface of my emotions, past the one's Jake had been inadvertently pulling on. I didn't want to answer it, because it would give myself permission to do whatever I wanted, which was Jake's comfort. It was stupid, because I knew what happened when we crossed that line. No going back.

"I'm breaking it off with him. I was just waiting for my car to be fixed to do it in person. I…don't want Leah to feel conflicted like that." I didn't want myself to feel conflicted like that either.

"And is that really what you want?" A twinge of anxiety pressed on my chest.

"Yes, without a doubt. Our…conversation gave me a lot to think about."

His brows rose to his hairline in surprise. "It did?"

"Of course. And…I think you were correct about us. That we weren't ready before."

Jake was quiet for a really long time. His piercing gaze was unwavering, as if he was trying to outright read my thoughts, or he was choosing his own words with supreme caution.

"Are you saying you are ready, then?"

"I don't know," I replied quickly. He looked away, the corners of his mouth slightly turned down in disappointment. "I'm afraid that things will be the same as they used to be. I don't want to fall into old habits."

"That's not something I want either."

"So you admit there were issues."

Jake rolled his eyes, but nodded in assent. "Yes, of course there were. You'd have to be blind to say that there wasn't. I hated fighting with you. If I could do it all over again, I would."

I considered if he really meant it. And if he did? It didn't matter. I didn't want to love Jake, because I already did. However, I needed to be in love with Jake before we could try this again. And trying because I'd given up looking for love elsewhere wasn't an option. He didn't deserve to be my last resort, but my first choice.

One day, maybe.

I sighed and pulled my knees up until I was in a tight ball. "This is all so complicated."

He shrugged with nonchalance. "Doesn't have to be. We could just let it happen when it wants to. When the whole Dylan-Leah mess has calmed and you're ready." He curled his arm around me and I scooted closer to him. "I'll always be here. Not going anywhere."

That statement alone made me want it to happen right now, without a doubt. I didn't want to wait to be ready, but knew that I should. Just to make sure that the decision was truly what was best for me.

"You make everything sound so simple, Jake." I set my head on his shoulder and he leaned his head atop mine. His steady breaths and heartbeat was so calming to the steady ache in my heart, I could have cried. Paired with my warm robe that cocooned his body heat inside, I was becoming almost instantly too tired to even produce a single tear.

"Well considering you took the job of over complicating things, it's my responsibility to take the other half of it."

"You don't have to," I yawned.

"I want to."