Beth: Are you in love with Jake?

Eddie: *sweats* . . . no.

Beth: Then why do you write EJ in hearts everywhere?

Eddie: it stands for edginess and judgement.

Josh: Where's Jake?

Beth: Doing stuff.

Josh: I don't like the sound of that. Where's Eddie?

Beth: Trying to stop Jake from doing the stuff.

Josh: And Wally?

Beth: Trying to stop Eddie from stopping Jake from doing the stuff.

Josh: I see. And what are you doing here Beth?

Beth: I'm supposed to stop you from stopping Wally stopping Eddie stopping Jake doing the stuff.

Kidnapper: We have your son.

Wally, Caroline, Beth, Josh, Eddie and Jake: We don't have a son.

Kidnapper: Then who's this little boy making us make him cookies, stomping on spider webs and telling us random facts that none of us asked for?

Beth: ohmygosh they have Peter!

Eddie: crushes are the worst.

Jake: yeah, whenever I'm near mine, I always act stupid.

Eddie: pfft, you always act stupid.

Jake: yeah try not to think too much about that.

Eddie:

Caroline: Here ya go Beth! A nice hot cup of coffee!

Beth: It's cold.

Caroline: A nice cup of coffee.

Beth: It's horrible!

Caroline: Cup of coffee.

Beth: I'm not even sure if this is coffee.

Caroline: CUP.

Jake: Eddie, can you pass the salt?

Eddie: Jake, can you pass away?

Beth, to the Bensons and Lasheès: This is normal.

Jake: Do you think I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Beth: You're a hazard to society.

Eddie: And a coward, do twenty.

Jake: You can trust me! Remember who pulled you out of the river when we were six!

Josh: Remember who pushed me in.

Jake: That's ridiculous! Eddie doesn't have a crush on me!

Beth: Yes she does

Josh: Yes she does

Eddie: Yes I do.

Josh: Don't go to the kitchen.

Eddie: Why?

Josh: I saw a spider.

Eddie: Well, did you kill it?

Josh: It has 8 arms and I only have 2, it's not fair...

Eddie: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Jake: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

Eddie: That one. I want that one.

Jake: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?

Josh: Neither.

Josh: Because it's twelve.

Beth: The risk I took was calculated but, man, am I bad at math.

Jake: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.

Jake: That's why I own TEN guns.

Jake: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.

Josh, pointing to the wall: What color is this?

Wally: Gray.

Caroline: Grey.

Josh, turning to Jake: Now tell them what color you think it is.

Jake: Dark white.

Beth: This is a bad idea.

Josh: Then why are you coming along?

Beth: Someone has to get your injured butt home.

Jake: We can't lose. Because we have this. *points to their chest*

Peter: We have heart?

Jake: Heart? No, me. I'm pointing at myself. I'm going to win this for us.

Caroline: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.

Josh: You three, explain right now!

Eddie: It was Jake.

Wally: It was Jake.

Peter: It was Jake.

Jake:

Jake: …fudge.

Wally: Helpful grammar tip: "farther" is for physical distance, "further" is for methaphorical distance, and "father" is for emotional distance!

Peter: Yesterday, I overheard Wally saying "Are you sure this is a good idea?" and Jake replying "Trust me," and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

Eddie: Do you take constructive criticism?

Caroline: Not without crying

Wally: Don't worry, I have a permit.

Caroline: ...This just says "I can do what I want".

Wally: Uh, Eddie? Beth is in the pool and I don't think she's waterproof.

Eddie: What?

Jake: I think they meant, Beth is drowning.

Eddie: WHAT?!

Meanwhile*

Beth: *is drowning*

Josh: OH MY GOD, BETH! KEEP SWIMMING!

Beth: I can't swim, dummy*sinks*

Josh: BETH!

Caroline: You know, when Jake comes over, Eddie can get a little…

Beth: Psycho?

Wally: Scary?

Josh: Drunk?

Caroline: All three.

Jake: Help! I'm drowning!

Beth: Calm down. We're only in six feet of water!

Jake: NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL! (I was using a incorrect quotes generator and I find this one ironic bc Beth and Jake are like the same height lol)

Peter: Time for plan G.

Caroline: Don't you mean plan B?

Peter: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Beth: What about plan D?

Peter: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Wally: What about plan E?

Peter: I'm hoping not to use it. Eddie dies in plan E.

Jake: I like plan E.

Caroline: Oooh, a train!

Eddie: We're in a train station, Caroline.

Eddie: I have a 1:30 appointment.

Josh: Which doctor?

Eddie: No, I want the regular doctor.

Caroline: I want a bf.

Wally: Do you mean best friend, boyfriend or bread feast? Because you're being really vague here. (Oh Wally)

*in a group chat*

Peter: First one to reply is gat.

Peter: *gay

Peter: Wait... (I'm sorry Peter!)

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Josh: No.

Beth: Aww, what's your dog's name?

Peter: Spartacus.

Beth, yelling to Josh: TRY SPARTACUS!

Josh, on the computer: DIDN'T WORK!

Peter:

Beth: What's your favorite number?

Caroline: Do you even know what an amulet is?

Peter: Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions!

Caroline: Peter, those are omelettes.

Peter: Oh. Then I've got nothing.

Josh: Does everyone know their job for today?

Wally: Water the flowers.

Jake: Vacuum the carpet.

Beth: Wash the dishes.

Caroline: Pretend to be a wolverine.

Josh: Close enough.

Jake: Time freezes for everyone but you one day. What do you do?

Josh: Oh… I'd mildly trouble everyone.

Jake: Alright, so what would you do?

Josh: I'd shave a one-inch thick line in every thick beard I saw.

Josh: I'd twist all the lightbulbs just a little bit so no one would know when they aren't working.

Josh: I'd make every wing on girls eyeliner just a little bit higher than the other one.

Josh: And I'd tie everyone's shoelaces together.

Josh: And then lastly, I'd snip a little hole in every tea bag.

Jake:

Jake: Remind me to never allow you to have power. (Josh let them intrusive thoughts win lol)

Josh: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

Beth: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, it's "intelligent" and "really cool".

Beth: But when I do it, I'm "petty" and "need to let it go".

Caroline, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?

Eddie: *half asleep* Caroline, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it's for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen.

Eddie: Why are you burning our marriage certificate!?

Jake: Good luck trying to return me without a receipt.

Eddie: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.

Eddie: Violently practices.

Josh: Violently studies.

Jake: Violently sleeps.

Peter: Violently shoots pictures.

Beth: Violently boxes.

Wally: Violently murders people.

Jake: Violently worries about the previous statement.

*The Squad's cooking skills*

Beth: *master chef*

Eddie: *knows a few recipes*

Josh: *can follow instructions on a box*

Caroline: *made toast once*

Jake: *banned from the kitchen*

Beth: The results are in, I'm afraid you have updog…

Wally: What's updog?

Beth: Jake! Get in here, I told you I could do it!

Eddie: I had to pick up Jake early.

Wally: That's alright. Have they been sick?

Eddie: No, not sick, they're just very upset because they've had a hard day.

Wally: Wait, why did they have a hard day?

Eddie: They took their two pet snails to school with them today, and they had the snails in their book bag. They let out the snails by the sink in the back of the classroom for some exercise, and Josh, who was visiting the class that day, thought they were snails that had come inside from the playground, so they threw Jake's snails out the window.

Wally: Oh my god.

Eddie: I know you are laughing, Wally, but please act sad about it when we get home today.

Wally: I'll try but that is hilarious.

Eddie: Yeah, I know. Stupid pet snails.

Eddie: I'm trying not to let Jake see me laugh.

Caroline: Hey Beth, check out this funny .GIF I found!

Beth: It's pronounced "jif".

Caroline: Huh?

Beth: "Dot jif", like the peanut butter. The creator said so.

Caroline: That's dumb, it's Graphics Interchange Format.

Beth: The P in .JPEG stands for "photographic", but I bet you don't say "J-pheg".

Caroline: "P" on its own isn't pronounced like "F", that's totally different!

Beth: It's exactly the same!

Caroline: Name one word that starts with "G" pronounced like "J".

Beth: Gentrification.

Caroline: Shoot, should have thought of that. I was just in San Francisco.

Beth: For your logic to be consistent, you'd have to say "skuh-bah" (scuba) or "lah-seer" (laser)!

Caroline: Yeah? Well, you'd have to say "J-pej"!

Caroline: …Wait, "laser" is an acronym?

Beth: Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.

Caroline: Huh. Didn't know that.

Caroline: You're still wrong, though.

Beth: You just hate me because I'm right.

Caroline: I just hate you in general.

Beth: You mean in "geh-neral"?

Caroline: Ugh, I'm "joing" to kill you!

Eddie: Can I ask you for a favor?

Jake: I would literally die for you, but continue.

Eddie: We need to talk about you starting sentences that way.

Josh: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life.

Peter: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back...

Beth: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.

Caroline: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years.

Wally: I knew I lost that potential somewhere.

Jake: Mental stability, my old friend!

Josh: Could you guys lighten up a little?

Josh: How's practice going?

Beth: Terrible. I want to stab everybody there.

Josh: Okay, just don't get any blood on your clothes.

Beth: …you shouldn't be condoning this.

Josh: Don't tell me how to live my life.