~~~Hello everyone. This chapter was a tad difficult to write. Had to really get into character on how one would act in such a state. But please do enjoy. I will try and have another chapter going.~~~
~Xarga12~
As he makes his way to Hawke's estate his mind begins to wander about Nereida, he then begins to recall when he first saw her. 'Her presence was ethereal, and he couldn't help but be captivated by her beauty. Her long silver hair cascaded down her shoulders, and her deep, emerald eyes possessed an alluring aura of mystery, if they held untold secrets locked within them. The intensity of their gaze left Cullen feeling something he hadn't in a long while - a spark of hope and warmth that had been absent from his life in recent years.'
Cullen was lost in the memories of his encounter with Nereida, the sound of the door opening jolted him back to reality. He turned his gaze towards the entrance, expecting to see Hawke themselves. Instead, he found himself surprised to see Hawke's trusted servant, Bodahn, standing before him.
"Bodahn," Cullen greeted him with a nod. "Good day, Ser Cullen." Bodahn greeted with a warm smile. "Are you here to see Serah Hawke? She has been expecting you. Asked me to take you straight to her if you ever arrived." He stepped aside allowing entry to Cullen, "Please do come in, she is in her study I will take you there."
"Thank you." Cullen entered and followed behind Bodahn till the arrived to Hawke's study. Bodahn cleared his throat before calling through the door, "Serah, Knight-Captain Cullen has arrived. He is here as you requested." From behind the door they could hear shuffling before Hawke called out.
"Thank you, Bodahn," Hawke's voice came from behind the door. "Please show him in." The door swung open, revealing the study bathed in warm candlelight. Cullen stepped inside, his eyes immediately drawn to Hawke, who was seated at her desk, surrounded by piles of books and scrolls.
She looked up seeing Cullen, she partially looked unhappy to see him. "Will there be anything else you need Serah?" Bodahn asked politely as always. Hawke only smiled to him, "No, that will be all Bodahn thank you." "Of course Serah, please call upon me whenever you need me. Please excuse me." He turns to Cullen before bowing, "Ser Cullen." And with that he left the room leaving Hawke and Cullen, awkwardness slowly rising.
The room fell into an awkward silence, Cullen cleared his throat and approached Hawke's desk. "Nereida told me you went looking for me after I left, I am sorry for leaving abruptly." Hawke looked at Cullen with a raised eyebrow at the mention of Nereida's name, her expression unreadable. "You went back? Why?"
Cullen shifted uncomfortably, feeling the weight of the tension in the room. "Well because we have a job to get done and that's where I last saw you. Why else would I go back?" He explained. "Was I supposed to go do this assignment on my own without you?" Hawke leaned back in her chair, studying him intently. "Yes, that's what I honestly assumed," she mused, "You complain how you wanted to do this without my help yet here you are." She watched how he still shifted.
As the tension in the room continued to build, Cullen took a breath, trying to choose his words carefully. "I apologize if I gave you the impression that I wanted to handle this on my own," he said sincerely. "I value your expertise and I believe that together we can get this assignment completed more efficiently."
Hawke raised an eyebrow, a hint of surprise flickering across her face. "You... value my expertise?" she repeated, her tone tinged with skepticism. Cullen nodded, "Yes, Hawke. You see the lighter point of view than I do. And I know if I were to talk to the recruits they would have still done it behind my back."
Hawke's expression softened slightly, her eyes searching Cullen's face for any sign of deception. "And what brought about this change of heart?" she asked cautiously. Cullen held Hawke's gaze, trying his best to come up with a answer. "Because…" Nereida quickly flashed in his mind before he shook the thought out of his mind. "Because I've been letting my pride get in the way. If Meredith trusts you enough to get a job done so should I."
Hawke's brows furrowed slightly as she processed his words. "Is that so? So if Meredith were to tell to makes friends with every mage you would?" Cullen's eyes widened in surprise. "No,'s not what I meant," he replied quickly. "I was merely trying to express that I should trust your judgment and work together with you, despite any personal reservations I may have had."
Hawke's eyes narrowed, suspicion dancing in their depths. Cullen's sincerity was evident, but she couldn't bring herself to fully believe him just yet. Hawke sighed, leaning back in her chair again and crossing her arms, "Actions speak louder than words, Cullen. Show me that you're serious about this alliance, and maybe, just maybe, I'll start to trust you."
Cullen nodded, understanding the weight of Hawke's. "I understand Hawke. I assure you, our success in this assignment will be proof enough of that," he stated firmly. As the conversation unfolded, the tension in the room shifted as Hawke's curiosity got the best of her, prompting her to address a topic that had been weighing on her mind.
"Cullen," she began cautiously, "I've noticed that you're struggling with something. Is it the lyrium? Have you considered seeking help?" As Cullen heard Hawke's question, a flick of surprise crossed his face. He hadn't expected her to address the issue so directly. He took a moment to gather his thoughts before responding. "I... I'm not sure what you mean, Hawke," Cullen stammered, his voice wavering slightly. He shifted uncomfortably, crossing his arms defensively.
Hawke raised an eyebrow, her expression showing a mix of concern and sympathy. "Cullen, I've noticed the signs. The withdrawal, the restlessness, the forgetfulness. It's clear to me that you're struggling with the effects of lyrium." Cullen's expression hardened, a mix of defensiveness and irritation crossing his face. He straightened his posture, meeting Hawke's gaze with a steely determination.
"Hawke, I appreciate your concern, but you're mistaken. I don't have an addiction," he replied firmly. "My relationship with lyrium is under control, and it doesn't impact my ability to lead or make decisions." Hawke sighed, her concern evident in her voice. "Cullen, I'm not here to attack you or make accusations," she said softly. "I just want to help. It's okay to ask for support when you need it."
Cullen's frustration grew, his patience wearing thin as Hawke continued to push the issue. He couldn't afford to let his personal struggles interfere with their mission. "Hawke, we don't have time for this," he snapped, his voice tinged with irritation. "We have a job to complete, and I can't let my problems get in the way."
Hawke's expression softened, but she didn't back down. "Cullen, I understand that we have a mission, but you can't keep ignoring what's happening to you," she insisted, her voice firm yet compassionate. "Your well-being is important too." Cullen clenched his fists, his jaw tensing as he fought against the emotions surging within him. He knew deep down that Hawke was right, but he couldn't bring himself to admit it. The weight of his addiction loomed over him like a dark cloud, threatening to consume him entirely.
"Again, I appreciate your concern, but this isn't something you can fix," he replied, struggling to keep his voice steady. "I've dealt with worse than this before. I'll handle it on my own." Hawke could sense the stubbornness in Cullen's words, but she wasn't about to give up on him as his walls were going up as he pushed her away. She took a deep breath, recognizing the familiar defensiveness that came with confronting personal struggles.
"I get that, Cullen. But bottling everything up isn't healthy either. You don't have to face your struggles alone. Friends are here to lend a helping hand, to offer support when things get tough." Cullen felt a surge of frustration building up within him, he couldn't bear to hear Hawke's concerns any longer; he needed her to drop the issue. His addiction was his burden to bear, and he didn't want anyone meddling in his struggles.
With a hardened expression on his face, Cullen snapped at Hawke, his words laced with irritation. "Enough, Hawke! I don't want to hear it anymore. This is my problem, and I'll deal with it my own way. Just leave it be!"
Hawke was taken aback by Cullen's sudden outburst. Her concern for him had come from a place of genuine care, and his reaction wounded her. But she understood that everyone coped with their demons differently, even if it meant pushing away the people who cared about them.
She swallowed her hurt and nodded, her voice tinged with disappointment. "Alright, Cullen. If that's what you want, I won't push anymore. Just remember that I'm here for you if you change your mind." He took a deep breath, realizing that his anger had gotten the best of him. He knew he had been unfair to Hawke, she was only trying to help. Yet a part of him wanted him to stay mad only to show her he was serious about not wanting to discuss the topic anymore.
Cullen looked into Hawke's eyes, he felt a mix of emotions. The hurt and disappointment still lingered within him, but he couldn't bring himself to apologize. Pride consumed him, fueling his stubbornness and preventing him from acknowledging his mistakes. Hawke searched his face, hoping for some sign of remorse or regret, but all she found was a cold and distant gaze.
"I can't believe you won't even apologize," Hawke said, her voice tinged with sadness. Cullen's jaw clenched as his pride took hold. He couldn't bear to admit fault or show any sign of vulnerability. "I don't owe you an apology," he replied curtly. "You should have known better than to interfere."
Hawke's eyes welled with tears, hurt evident in her voice. "I was just trying to help you, Cullen. I never expected this kind of response from you." His stubbornness persisted, refusing to back down. "I told you I don't need your help," he retorted. Hawke's expression shifted from one of hope and forgiveness to one of anger and hurt as Cullen's words sank in. The vulnerability she had allowed herself to feel was quickly replaced by a defensive wall.
Her eyes narrowed as she spoke, her voice laced with a mixture of disbelief and contempt. "Get out," Hawke spat, her tone colder than ice. "I can't believe I let myself think you were capable of change, of remorse. But it seems I was wrong." Cullen's face twisted in confusion and regret. "Hawke, please," he pleaded, his voice tinged with desperation. "I didn't mean..."
Hawke cut him off, her voice sharp and filled with disappointment. "Save your excuses, Cullen. I don't need empty apologies from someone who clearly doesn't value those who genuinely care for your wellbeing." As the conversation reached its breaking point, the room was with tension and regret Cullen stood there, his heart heavy with the realization that he had pushed away someone who had only wanted to help him. Hawke's words echoed in his mind, haunting him with the truth of his actions.
The weight of his actions settled upon him, his pride slowly dissolved, replaced by regret and a pang of guilt. The silence in the room felt suffocating, and Cullen desperately wanted to find the right words to apologize but couldn't. "Cullen, just leave," she said firmly, her voice filled with a mix of frustration and disappointment.
Cullen's expression turned crestfallen, realizing that he had pushed Hawke to her limits. "I understand," Cullen replied, his voice tinged with remorse. Without another word, Cullen turned and walked away, leaving Hawke to grapple with the aftermath of their fractured friendship. The room felt heavy with unresolved emotions, and as the door closed behind him, Hawke couldn't help but wonder if he would ever let anyone close.
Once Cullen was out of Hawke's estate regret washed over him like a tidal wave, drowning him in the realization of his actions. He sank to his knees, feeling the weight of his mistakes crushing him. It was a painful lesson learned, not only had he walked away from Nereida earlier now he had done the same but to a dear friend. Has lyrium truly controlled his life?
Cullen knelt on the ground the weight of his mistakes consumed him. The realization that his addiction to lyrium had not only affected his own life but had also pushed away those who cared about him was a sobering moment. In that moment of introspection, he recognized that his pride and stubbornness had blinded him to the genuine concern and support offered by Hawke. He had pushed her away, refusing her help and dismissing her attempts to reach out. It was a painful truth to face.