Hello, and thank you soo much for the feedback on this story these last few days! Since I receive most reviews overnight due to the time difference (and the messed up sleep patterns of some people), you make my day right in the morning when I wake up and check my phone. So, thank you, I appreciate it endlessly!
And regarding the review pointing out how Kate's cheating might affect Castle's perspective on her and their relationship: I would have loved to reply to you directly and have a character discussion with you (because I love these!), but unfortunately, it wasn't possible as you reviewed as a guest. Still, I would like to address your point because I think it's valid and could put a new facette to this story.
As I said, I think what you say is absolutely valid and could definitely be a way to interpret Castle's character and, therefore, a track to go down in this story. But for this story, I chose a different approach that I would like to explain.
Firstly, Kate not thinking of Josh at any point prior in this story is, as I see it, proof that he actually holds no space in her heart. Like if he's out of sight, he's out of mind. And I think Castle knows that, too. I also don't think Castle would care enough about Josh not to let anything happen with Kate. Just think about "To Love and Die in LA". If Kate had come out of her room one second sooner, they would have been all over each other, Josh, once again, out of sight, out of mind. I believe Castle knows that what he and Kate have is more and in no way comparable to Kate's relationship with Josh. Also, he sees how deeply Kate regrets what happened. Or better, the fact that it happened while she was officially (but not emotionally) committed to Josh. I don't think it would be a reason for Castle to doubt that Kate would be faithful in their relationship. Simply because he knows their feelings root way deeper, and he knows Kate well enough to be convinced that commitment and fidelity are important to her, as shown by her regrets of what she did.
But all of this is just my personal opinion, my interpretation of the characters, and I know there are many different approaches to these characters in situations like this. So, thank you so much for pointing out this other perspective! That's why I love writing Castle fanfiction and discussing these characters. So feel free to reach out to me any time. I love to waste some time thinking about how fictional characters would handle their life instead of figuring out my own. And I promise, I don't bite :)
And now I've talked enough, here comes chapter 8!
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Kate felt his stare on her neck in a tingling sensation, but she didn't mind. All of this felt a little strange to her, and yet it wasn't uncomfortable. No, quite the opposite. Actually, she felt safe. She wondered where it came from but couldn't put her finger on it.
Maybe it was just the different setting that made it easier for her to open up. Or was it because everything between her and Castle had changed last night? For some reason, it didn't even feel like that to her. Yes, it felt new and way more intense, but not unfamiliar.
He was still the same man to her as he had always been, still the one she trusted most, for whatever reason. She wanted to look at him but didn't dare to turn around, knowing he would start talking when she did. For a moment, she enjoyed the silence between them and used it to catch up on her own thoughts.
All of this seemed a little crazy now that she thought about it. And never would she have guessed this trip would turn out anything like this. Sure, she had hoped for some moments or maybe even some progress in their relationship, even though she could only admit it to herself now after what had happened last night. But she had definitely not expected anything like this.
And the strangest part about it all was that it didn't scare her. Back in New York, they walked on eggshells around each other. Always pushing and teasing, yes, but always keeping a safe distance not to cross the line that made obvious there was more to them than partners or friends.
She knew that, for the most part, it was her fault. If it had been for him, they would have slept together the night they met, and she was sure he wouldn't have declined her offer on any occasion in the past three years if she had ever made one. But that wasn't what she wanted. No, she didn't want just sex, and he didn't either.
But what was it that she wanted? Love? Probably. It was definitely what he wanted. Probably, love was also what she was feeling right now and had been for quite some time now. But she wasn't sure if love alone would be enough. Because when she knew one thing for sure, then that love was what made her vulnerable. And ever since she had to experience the pain of losing someone she loved, she had been careful never to let her feelings for anyone get that deep again.
And yet, Castle was right. Shielding her heart and stopping herself from loving someone so honest that they really got a chance to touch it had made her lonely. Even in her relationships, she had always been lonely.
Her mind trailed off to Josh, for whom she felt very sorry for what she had done to him. He deserved way better. It wasn't his fault that he was the best example for what had been a part of herself for half her life. She liked him, very much so, and enjoyed spending time with him. But she didn't love him. He would have never had a chance to truly hurt her because she never let him in far enough.
And then there was Castle. He had stumbled into her life like some sort of accident, turning it upside down in every way and now she had to realize, in the best way. And without her noticing, he had found his way around the barricades she had built around herself.
When she had noticed, it had been a while ago, somewhere in summer last year, when he had headed to the Hampton's with his ex-wife, and she had spent every day hoping for his return, it had frightened her. It was exactly what she had always tried to prevent. He had gotten too close, so close that it was hurting her.
But then he had stumbled back into her life once more, just as silly, childish, and irritating as before, and again, he had managed to sneak behind her shield of protection. And every try to keep him out had failed horrendously.
Back in New York, it had scared her and made her feel out of control, something she hated. But she couldn't hate the feelings he caused in her, and neither could she fight them. But she could choose not to act on them so she wouldn't make matters worse and keep up the last resistance he hadn't been able to take down.
That was in New York. But here, far away from the city and the reality they lived in, it had become impossible to hold up that resistance. Maybe it was the time they had to spend with each other. Or the physical closeness her broken tent had forced them into. Maybe all the fresh air was just getting the better of her.
But it had happened. She had allowed him in, in every way possible, had taken her barrier down. And instead of scaring her into running away, she enjoyed it. A strange feeling she had never experienced before and failed to wrap her mind around.
But letting herself fall into that enjoyment wasn't herself. Because no matter how wonderful and easy it was out here, she knew they would have to return to their reality in New York all too soon. And she wasn't sure if whatever had blossomed between them here would be strong enough to suffice for their lives in New York.
The promise she had given Castle was sincere. She would give it a try. She wanted to. She wanted for this to work, to make it work. She just feared it wouldn't be as easy for her as for him.
His voice pulled her out of her thoughts with a soft "Hey." Blinking the startle away, she turned around to find him smiling at him, pointing over to the side of the path. Her eyes followed the direction of his finger, spotting some rocks at the side of the path she hadn't even noticed, too caught up in her mind.
"Might be a good spot to sit down and eat something, don't you think?" He nodded his head for her to follow him and walked over to the rocks, sitting down on one of them while resting his backpack next to him.
She looked at him for a second longer, needing just a little bit more time to return to the present, then walked over to him and sat down beside him. Castle unpacked a bottle of water from his backpack and handed it to her with a soft smile. "Here, drink something."
Opening the bottle and letting the cool water run down her throat, she realized she had been thirsty. Seemed like her mind had been too busy to even notice. She let the bottle sink again and looked over at Castle, who was downing a small bottle of water himself.
She couldn't help but notice the movement on his throat, the stretch of skin looking tauntingly tempting with the slight cover of sweat and the veins present at the side of his neck. Softly biting down on the inside of her bottom lip, she startled a little when he suddenly looked over at her, a cocky smirk spreading over his lips.
"You're looking for something specific?" He teased.
Well, if he had noticed, she could just as well play along with it.
"Maybe." She mumbled, tilting her head a little in the way she knew would drive him crazy.
"I wouldn't mind showing you anything you want to see." His voice sounded throaty and a little deeper than usual. That was something that made her self-control weaken a little.
"Once we're back in the city, I won't stop you, believe me." She whispered, now fully biting into her lip, and she could almost see him snap.
He leaned over, his hand on her hip faster than she could realize, and her hands shooting up to his neck as he pressed his lips to hers. A small moan slipped from her throat at how suddenly this kiss overwhelmed the boundaries she had set half an hour ago.
Letting herself savor the wonderful feeling of his warm lips on hers and his firm touch on her hip for a moment longer, she softly sighed before carefully pushing him away. The longing was almost too much to withstand, but she couldn't forget what she had promised herself and him. She wanted to do this right, not as an affair or something that felt forbidden.
Giving him an apologetic look, she watched him struggle to regain his composure as he pulled away, sitting up straight on his side of the rock.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled, fighting the urge to touch his lips, the feeling of hers still present on them. "Shouldn't have done that."
She smiled at him, a faint blush grazing her cheeks. "It's fine, Castle. My fault, too."
He stared at her, his brows furrowed with the longing in his gaze. "Gosh, I can't wait to get back to New York."
With the smallest nod, she answered, "Yeah, me either." And reached out her hand to lay it on his knee.
The connection of their eyes remained unbroken, neither of them able to pull away and fight the tension that was already building up again. Kate was close to giving in, just letting the tingle that built in the pit of her stomach overpower the determination in her brain when the sound of approaching footsteps met her ears once more.
For a split second, she thought it would be Ryan and Esposito coming back, but she quickly realized the sound was coming from the wrong direction. And then a very feminine giggle mixed into the sound of leaves and little sticks cracking under feet, and she was sure it couldn't be them.
Both of them directed their gaze to the direction of the sound, and when two people holding hands came walking around the corner, she saw a grin spread over Castle's face from the corner of her eye.
The giggling stopped abruptly as the blonde woman looked away from her partner with a wide grin that froze on her face when she spotted them. Tearing her hand away, she blushed faster than Kate had ever seen anyone blush, and she couldn't blame her, feeling a hint of connection to what that woman was going through right now.
"Hello!" Castle called, clearly very amused, and she suppressed the impulse to give him a slap on the shoulder. "Lovely track, isn't it? Are you making progress with the assignment?"
The two younger cops walked up to them slowly, obviously mortified with their encounter.
"Yeah." The man mumbled hesitantly. "You?"
Castle grinned back at him, not hiding one bit that he knew exactly what was going on. After the glances they had exchanged this morning, both of them knew they were sitting in the same boat. "Oh, couldn't be better."
All he got as an answer was a weak nod as the two walked past them, seemingly desperate to flee this situation. When they were out of sight, Kate gave in to what she had wanted to do seconds before, hitting his arm with the palm of her hand.
"That really wasn't necessary!" She hissed, but Castle just laughed back at her.
"Why? Those two are so obvious and have been ever since we got here. But good for them! I get how they feel."
She shot him a glare that still failed to make him shut up. He was too used to them after three years.
"I like that guy. If it wasn't for him, we would have probably not gotten past exchanging longing glances by the campfire."
It took Kate a second to realize that he referred to the incident in which the young blonde man had accidentally slashed her tent on the first day at the camp. Damn, he was right.
"Still." She said, her face strict with the cute little crease on her forehead Castle loved to provoke. "You didn't have to tease them like that. They were obviously embarrassed."
"Oh, they'll get over it. I think they're quite busy with themselves. Speaking of…" He interrupted himself to pull the sheet of paper with the questions back out of his pocket. "We still have to finish these, too."
Kate raised her brows at him, the subject change coming quite suddenly. But then she folded her arms in front of her chest and leaned back.
"Okay. Fine Castle, then why don't turn the game around and you don't let me guess your biggest insecurity and instead tell me what you think it is." Her voice was teasing, and she enjoyed the smile fading from his lips. Still, it didn't even take him a full second to shoot back his answer.
"You."
Her jaw dropped, and the challenging look vanished from her face, making it go blank in surprise. "Wh- What?" She cleared her throat and quickly regained her composure.
"What do you mean by that?"
He shrugged, his face now serious. "It's just the truth. For three years now, you have been what I have been most insecure about."
She stared at him for a couple of seconds, then shook her head in confusion. "I'm sorry, Castle, I don't get it."
He shifted uncomfortably on his hard seat, pressing his palms together and placing them between his knees as he looked down at them. He took a deep breath before he started, and it was quite new for Kate to see him like this, insecure and almost a little shy.
"You know, for three years, I have been trying to figure out what I am to you, what I mean to you. I have tried to make you laugh, to watch out for you, to support you. And still, I could never be sure of what I am to you, could never be sure you feel the same as me, even if I thought you did."
He fell silent for a second, then shot her a little look that already looked more like his usual self again. "Just until last night, of course."
"Did you really feel that way?" Kate blurted out, and he looked back at her, confused.
"Yeah. Is that so surprising to you?" Kate held his stare a moment longer, but as she felt the blush creeping up her cheeks again, she averted her gaze back to the ground.
Putting a loose strand of hair back behind her ear, she softly shook her head. "No.. I mean.. Of course, I noticed, but…" It took her some overcoming to bring out the following words. "I just can't see why anyone would feel insecure about me. Especially someone like you."
Now it was Castle who stared back at her with his jaw slightly ajar, confusion evident on his face. "You got to be kidding me. You can't possibly not know how breathtaking and beautiful you are."
The blush erupted into dark crimson over her neck and face. If there was anything she was really bad at, then it was accepting compliments. At least the sincere ones from people she cared about.
Since she seemed unable to speak, he continued talking, coming to a stand before her to search for her eyes. "Kate, you are the most amazing, intruding, fascinating person I have ever come across in my life. And I've met a lot of people, a lot of women. And not a single one could even start to stand a chance against you. Your strength and the way you always keep pushing through. I meant what I said in my dedication a year ago. You are extraordinary, Kate."
She almost wanted to ask him to stop, but then his palm was softly on her cheek, carefully pushing her head up to make her look at him. "And I can't wait to get to know every little detail of you."
Her heart was hammering recklessly against her ribs, making her feel out of breath. This was going so much faster than anything else she had ever experienced. And she knew it should probably be making her panic and pull away into a safe spot again. But it didn't. Nothing in her wanted to run away, nothing wanted to hold back.
"You will." She said without thinking about it and was taken a little aback by her own words. And still, she meant them.
"I really want to kiss you right now." He whispered. "But I won't. Because if I start now, I wouldn't be able to stop anymore."
She got exactly what he meant. And yet it almost physically hurt when he pulled his hand away, the warmth of his touch suddenly replaced by cold air again. He took a step backward and looked at her, trying to cool down the burning in his veins with a little distance.
It didn't work too well. He was desperately in need of a change of topic.
"So," He started, clearing his throat from the desire that had sneaked into it just by looking at her for a little too long. "You still need to tell me what your biggest insecurity is."
After a few seconds, a smile replaced the longing on her face and then turned into a smirk. "Would it be lame if I just used the same answer as you? Tell you that you are my biggest insecurity?"
He laughed and nodded his head. "Yes, that would definitely be super lame. That one's taken, Beckett. You'll have to come up with an idea yourself."
She jumped off the rock and grabbed his backpack, holding it out to him as she shouldered hers. "Then you'll have to add that to the list of things you'll still have to find out about me."
The promising sound of her voice that she would allow him to find out sent a soft shiver down his spine. With clumsy hands, he took his backpack from her and nodded softly.
"Sounds good." Was all he could bring over his lips, to amazed by the perspective of what was awaiting him as soon as they got home.
Kate started walking off, and he followed her, falling into track beside her. After putting his backpack into place again, he folded the sheet of paper with Coarly's questions so it would fit in his pocket again but waved it at Kate before he slid it in.
"We'll have to come up with some other answers for that last question anyway. I have no desire to discuss what we just talked about with Coarly."
Kate let out a laugh at the thought of that. "Yeah, you're right." She glanced over at him with a little wink. "You're the writer. Think about something. But nothing too much Richard Castle."
Castle clenched his fist to his heart, which actually felt lighter than he could ever remember. "And I considered you a fan of my work."
With a huffed laugh, Kate increased the speed of her steps, making him fall behind a little bit for a moment. He took advantage of getting to look at her again, a soft sigh escaping his lips. He would definitely have to thank that blonde guy for destroying her tent.
