Chapter 57 – Everything You've Ever Dreamed
Rei awoke and opened her eyes with a jolt, gasping for breath. She'd been having the most horrible of nightmares. She'd dreamed that she was some kind of artificial clone, forced to do the bidding of some strange paramilitary organization called NERV, forced to pilot a giant cyborg to defend humanity against enormous monsters. All of her friends had been there with her, suffering with her, and each one of them had eventually drifted away from her, hurt her, or were hurt by her. The last thing she'd remembered was fusing with some kind of ancient being in a moment of despair and attaining some world ending power before waking up. The whole experience was saddening and terrifying. Her heart was thumping in her chest so fast that it was hard to breathe.
But it was just a dream, she told herself, it was just a dream...
She sat up in her bed and looked around the room, letting the light of the morning wash over her through the window beside her bed. She looked over her surroundings, taking them in. Her eyes passed over the curtains, the blue carpet, the closet, her meager book collection sitting on the desk behind the headboard of her bed. Yes, this was her room, just as it always had been, but in that dream it was her friend Asuka who'd possessed these living quarters. It was so strange...
Oh well... it was best not to dwell on it. After all, it was just a dream... just a bad dream...
She got out of bed and changed out of her sleep clothes, putting on he school uniform before leaving her bedroom. She stepped into the little hallway outside her room and paused, staring at the door of the storage room directly in front of her, her heart skipping a beat. In the dream this apartment belonged to her teacher and this room had been another bedroom, one belonging to... him. The more she thought about it the more real it felt. She had to make sure that the dream wasn't real, that she was awake now, that it had all been in her head...
Slowly, almost nervously, Rei reached out and slid the door open and found it filled with boxes of things her big sister put there. She shook her head and breathed a heavy sigh of relief, her heart rate finally beginning to slow. She was seriously overthinking things... "It was just a dream..." she murmured to herself. "It was just a dream..."
"Rei?" a voice called from the kitchen. "Are you awake? Breakfast is almost ready."
She felt her stomach growl and her mouth start to water. She was indeed rather hungry. "Coming," she replied, swiftly making her way down the hall and into the living room.
Rei moved into the kitchen and sat down at the small wooden table, glancing over at her big sister as she finished up preparing breakfast. Well... Ritsuko wasn't her sister, she was actually her cousin, but she thought of her as an older sister. After her parents had passed away in a car accident when she was still in elementary school Ritsuko had practically begged the state to allow her to become her guardian. They'd granted her permission and they'd been living together ever since, something that Rei was incredibly grateful for. Even though they didn't see each other all that much considering how many hours Ritsuko worked at a lab developing new software technology she never failed to make this apartment feel like home.
Ritsuko turned around with a warm smile, setting down the bowls of miso soup and the bowls of rice she'd prepared for breakfast. Rei was always grateful that she never failed to make her something in the morning in spite of how busy she was all the time... well at least on the days where she was around for breakfast. Without hesitating she began devouring her meal.
"How did you sleep?" her guardian asked, moving back to the stove to serve herself. "You look tired."
Rei nodded her head, pushing the last vestiges of her nightmare from her mind and offering a sheepish grin in return. Besides, she didn't want to worry Ritsuko. "I am a little tired," she replied. "I must have stayed up too late last night."
Ritsuko sat down across from her with her own portion of food and regarded her with a more playful look. "You know that's not smart," she returned, wagging a finger in the air. "High school entrance exams are coming up. Even if you stay up all night studying it will be no good if you're exhausted while taking them."
Rei sipped at her soup and took a bite of the rice. She didn't need to be reminded of that fact, but Ritsuko was always saying things like that anyway. It was probably for the best. She'd been playing too many video games when she should have been studying in recent days... "I know..." she replied after swallowing. "And yes, that's why I'm tired, too much studying."
Ritsuko's smile shifted into a smirk, her eyes narrowing. "Really?" she teased. "You weren't up half the night thinking about that boy from school?"
Rei's cheeks felt like they'd been touched by flame and she looked away, thoroughly embarrassed. "Wh- wh- what are you getting at, sis?" she stammered. "Wh- what boy?"
Ritsuko snickered playfully. "The one you were murmuring the name of the other night when you fell asleep in front of the TV," she replied smugly. "Shinji, was it?"
Rei shrunk in her chair and dug her fingers into the hem of her skirt, the heat in her cheeks intensifying beyond human comprehension. She hated when Ritsuko embarrassed her like this. Yes, she was crushing on a boy, and yes, his name was Shinji, Shinji Ikari... "Ye- yeah..." she stuttered.
Ritsuko laughed softly and sipped her cup of tea, leaning her elbow on the table and placing her chin in her palm. "So..." she drawled. "I'm guessing he's someone from school?"
Indeed he was a classmate of hers. She still remembered the first day they'd met. It was only at the beginning of the semester but it felt like she'd known him forever. It was raining that day and she'd been running late to school. That morning Ritsuko hadn't been home to wake her up and she'd forgotten to set her alarm so she'd been making a mad dash to school, still munching one of the slices of toast she'd rushed to prepare before leaving. She'd rounded a corner and bumped right into him, nearly sending both of them to the ground when she did. However, instead of being mad at her, he'd apologized, as if he was the one at fault and then offered her his umbrella.
That was just their first meeting, but that kindness stuck with her...
From then to now she'd gotten to know him well. The two of them would often study together in the school library. He'd help her with literature and she'd help him with math. No matter how hard the subject was or how bad she was at explaining things he'd never lose his patience and tell her how great a tutor she was. Whenever she had some sort of problem or was upset he'd never fail to find a way to cheer her up and make her feel better about herself. In class, whenever anyone made fun of her for her shy demeanor or withdrawn nature he'd be the first to defend her. She could confide anything in him. He'd honestly become her best friend... and over time she'd fallen utterly and completely in love with that kind eyed boy...
Ritsuko snapped her fingers in front of her face, shaking her out of her trance. "Rei, you're spacing out," she stated. "Are you feeling okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine," Rei replied, again looking away from her big sister, unable to maintain eye contact out of embarrassment. "And yes, he's from school..."
Ritsuko laughed once again before taking another sip of her cup of tea. "You really do have a crush on him, don't you..." she mused softly.
Rei fidgeted with the hem of her skirt and blushed yet again. "S- so what if I do..." she murmured.
Ritsuko sighed and finished her cup of tea. "It's only natural," she stated calmly, like she was talking about the weather. "You're getting to that age where girls get all boy crazy. I was there once myself."
Rei wasn't sure if that made it any less awkward... "Thanks... I guess..." she replied.
"It's true," Ritsuko responded, taking a moment to eat a spoonful of soup. "So... will I ever meet this Shinji?"
Rei raised an eyebrow, confused. "Why would you want to meet him?" she inquired.
"What kind of big sister would I be if I didn't make sure that some boy is good enough for my little Rei-chan?" Ritsuko replied rhetorically.
Rei yet again felt her cheeks getting hot. "Y- you don't have to do that..." she muttered softly.
"Of course I do," Ritsuko replied with a smile. "We're family, and family looks out for one another, right?"
Rei thought on those words and smiled. Even if it was a bit embarrassing how she'd worded it the sentiment was rather kind. "I suppose you're right," she returned softly before taking a bit of rice.
Ritsuko did the same, swallowing before speaking again. "Besides... boys your age are only thinking about one thing most of the time..." she muttered half under her breath.
Rei tilted her head to the side slightly, puzzled. What was she getting at? "One thing?" she responded before scooping a spoonful of soup into her mouth.
Ritsuko issued a playful smirk. "Getting under your skirt," she returned flatly.
Rei nearly choked. "Shinji's not like that!" she protested.
Ritsuko laughed. "Probably not, at least if you've got such a crush on him," she replied. "But you can never be so sure."
Rei glared at her. Did she assume she was devoid of... primal attraction? "What's that supposed to mean?" she huffed.
Ritusko grinned. "I'm saying you're usually a good judge of character, even if you're a bit naive at times," she returned flatly.
Rei folded her arms and huffed. It was definitely a backhanded compliment if she'd ever heard one. It was par for the course though. Ritsuko always did love teasing her and making her feel awkward... "Don't you have to be at the lab soon?" she grumbled, changing the subject of conversation.
Ritsuko sighed heavily. "Regrettably," she replied, frowning. "A few of our consumers have been voicing concerns about account security with our software and as the head of research and development I'm responsible for making sure the necessary patches are implemented in a timely manner."
Rei frowned in turn. Her big sister certainly did have a lot of responsibilities. "Can't your kouhai take care of things?" she asked. "From what you've said she's been training under you for long enough."
Ritsuko shrugged her shoulders. "Maya is perfectly capable of taking care of the problem herself but she's just not confident in herself, hence why I have to keep working these long hours," she replied. "It's really such a pain."
Rei nodded. "So should I assume you won't be home for dinner?" she asked.
"Indeed," Ritsuko replied. "Honestly I'll be lucky if I get home before midnight tonight."
Rei looked down at her knees, genuinely feeling sorry for bringing up this topic of conversation. "You really do work too hard..." she murmured.
Ritsuko chuckled. "What else am I supposed to do?" she responded. "I have to keep food on the table for the both of us and rent just keeps going up. It can't be helped."
Rei smiled. As always, Ritsuko's thoughts were centered on supporting her despite how much she might tease or nag her. She really was a genuinely kind person deep down. "I suppose that's true..." she replied softly.
The two of them continued eating breakfast, making some small talk intermittently until their meal was finished. Rei moved to the sink and deposited her empty dishes before moving to the washroom to brush her teeth and hair and complete other morning routines. As she took sight of her reflection she froze.
She studied her reflection intently, reaching up and taking a lock of her silver hair between her fingertips, noting the reddish brown eyes that stared back at her. Her hair had turned that color around first grade, something she used to be rather self conscious about thanks to teasing she'd received in elementary school. That was long ago however, and she'd grown to accept her appearance for the most part. If anyone ever made comments Asuka was always around to put them in their place. Even so, seeing her reflection triggered memories of that nightmare...
In the dream she'd had unnatural blue hair and crimson red eyes, resembling the contacts and hair dye she'd used in seventh grade when she'd gone through a spat of chunibyo. The difference was that in the dream said hair and eye color were natural to her, caused by inhuman genetics. Consciously she knew it was just a dream but... why did it feel so real? Why had she half expected to see herself in the mirror looking like that, with blue hair and red eyes?
She splashed some water on her face and wiped it off with a cloth. "It was just a dream..." she reminded herself, speaking to her reflection. "It was just a nightmare..."
So why couldn't she stop thinking about it?
It was then that she heard the doorbell ringing, shaking her from her thoughts. "Rei!" Ritsuko called to her from the living room. "Asuka's here!"
Rei smiled. It was always nice when her other best friend walked to school with her. "Coming!" she called back before exiting the washroom.
She moved through the kitchen and into the hall, gathering up her book bag and slipping on her shoes before opening the door. "Hello Asuka," she greeted with a smile.
Rei had known Asuka since elementary school. They'd initially gotten on really poorly. Seriously, there was a time when Rei couldn't stand the redheaded girl. Then there came a day around the fifth grade where she'd found the redhead crying for her mother by the entrance to the gym. She still didn't understand why, but even though Asuka had treated her like dirt up until then she still voiced concern. That was when she learned Asuka's mother passed away from some kind of sickness. After that, slowly but surly, the two girls bonded to the point where now they were practically inseparable. Sometimes Asuka still teased her and sometimes Rei pointed out when she was losing her cool, but that was just how friendship their worked. "Morning, Rei," Asuka chirped cheerfully. "Ready for school?"
Rei nodded. "I am," she replied before turning back to the hallway momentarily and calling out to Ritsuko. "I'm leaving now! Have a good day at work!"
"Have a good day, Akagi-san!" Asuka added
"Have a good day kids!" came Ritsuko's response from inside the apartment.
Rei shut the door and stepped away from the threshold, forming up on Asuka's side as they headed to the elevator. "So..." Asuka spoke. "Have any trouble with the English homework after those tips I shared with you?"
Rei shook her head. "No," she replied. "The tips you shared about verb conjugation were rather helpful."
"Good," Asuka returned. "We can't have you messing up on the midterms, even if staying up all night playing video games is far more fun than studying."
They reached the elevator and stepped inside. "Very true," Rei replied. "I'm not too worried though. Usually I do well on tests."
Asuka laughed. "That's true, you are the resident whiz kid at school," she stated. "Honestly you're probably the only reason Shinji's passing in half his subjects."
Rei frowned. "I know you get better scores than he does but Shinji is smarter than you give him credit for, Asuka..." she grumbled.
Asuka sighed and smirked, folding her arms in front of her and leaning back against the elevator wall. "I suppose he's average at best, both in smarts and in looks," she replied. "Seriously, I don't understand what you see in him."
"He's kind to me..." Rei responded softly, her lips curving up into a sly grin after a moment. She glanced at her friend out of the corner of her eye. "I don't know... why are you so fascinated by Nagisa-kun?"
Asuka's breath hitched and she visibly tensed, her cheeks turning a bit red. "You shut up!" she yelped, facing her with a glare. "I don't think of Kaworu like that!"
Rei knew she'd struck a nerve with that one. She couldn't resist a little smirk at her friend's flustered response. "So you say..." she stated calmly as the doors opened and the two of them stepped out.
Asuka sighed. "Fine..." she grumbled. "I won't make fun of your dumb little crush on Shinji anymore, happy?"
"That is appreciated," Rei replied, retaining her grin. She'd certainly gotten good at trading barbs with Asuka over the years.
The two of them continued on their way to school making small talk all the while. Mostly it was Asuka telling her about some new TV show she was getting into but Rei didn't mind. It was just nice being able to walk to school with a friend instead of alone. It was just like like any other normal day in Tokyo 3, a day like any other. Rei couldn't help but smile, thankful that this was her reality, a world with friends, a happy world...
Soon enough the two of them reached the school entrance and as soon as they entered a voice called out to them... "Hey! Ayanami! Soryu! What's up!?"
Rei turned her head to the left to find Suzuhara and Aida off to the side, two of Shinji's friends. Suzuhara was waving to the both of them with a grin and Aida was standing there dutifully at his side. She liked the two of them well enough, even if they could be a bit obnoxious at times. She opened her mouth to say good morning but Asuka beat her to it. "Morning, stooges," the redhead spoke. "Where's the third?"
Suzuhara scowled and folded his arms cross his chest. "Charming as always, Soryu," he replied, his tone dripping with sarcasm.
Asuka sneered at him. "You know it!" she stated confidently.
"Shinji's already in the classroom," Aida added. "He wanted to get some last minute studying in."
"That's probably something you should do, Touji," Asuka stated. "We've all seen your grades."
"Ha!" Suzuhara scoffed. "What's the point of good grades anyway? We all know I'll end up getting a free ride with a basketball scholarship once I'm through with high school!"
"That is if you even get to high school," Asuka countered.
Rei tensed up. Something about their conversation triggered a memory, or a memory of the nightmare she'd had the previous night. In the dream she'd had Suzuhara had been trapped inside one of the robot cyborg things that she, Shinji, and Asuka had been made to pilot. He'd been put in a coma during a combat deployment by Shinji... or killed by him... had it happened twice? Why was it so clear and yet unclear at the same time?
"Ayanami, are you okay?" Aida spoke up, shaking her out of her thoughts.
Rei turned to him, startled. She'd been zoning out again. Why was she letting some stupid dream have such a hold on her? Why couldn't she just let it go? "I'm fine," she replied. "Why?"
Asuka looked at her with concern. "You just started staring off blankly into space," she stated. "It's unlike you."
Rei drew a deep breath and let it out. "I'm okay," she returned softly. "I just didn't sleep well last night. There's nothing wrong."
"Well we should probably get to class," Aida stated, turning to Suzuhara with a smirk. "At least for your sake, Touji..."
Suzuhara grimaced. "Yeah, you've got a point there..." he muttered. "She's really been on my case lately..."
Aida shrugged his shoulders. "She wants you to do well in class," he replied. "Even if it is a lost cause.
Suzuhara glared at the bespectacled boy and raised a fist. "Why you!" he growled.
Aida took off running toward the school building. "Hey, it was a joke! A joke!" he pleaded.
Suzuhara gave chase. "Get back here!" he snarled.
Asuka sighed as they dashed away. "They are energetic, I'll give them that..." she muttered.
Rei smiled. Even if they were a bit crass they were entertaining to watch. "Indeed they are..." she agreed.
"Good morning Soryu-san, Ayanami-san," a voice sounded from behind the two of them.
Rei turned around to find one Kaworu Nagisa walking up to them through the school gates, his white hair fluttering in the breeze. She glanced to her side to see Asuka's demeanor change immediately, her eyes growing soft and her cheeks turning a little pink. It was so obvious that the redhead had a crush on the albino... "Morning," she greeted him. "How's it going, Kaworu?"
He smiled back at her. "Well enough," he replied. "And you?"
"Very well," Asuka responded, her grin widening.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Rei felt a sensation akin to an electric shock inside her head, causing her to bring a hand to her face. Visions of her nightmare began flooding back to her once again. In the dream Nagisa had been one of those monsters she'd been tasked to destroy... Angels they were called. He'd caused Shinji to suffer greatly after he'd been forced to kill him... but she also remembered his death affecting Asuka. Somehow she remembered him dying twice. No... she'd known him twice. In one life she'd disliked him and in another she'd grown to understand him. She'd known him twice in that dream or dreams... had she had multiple nightmares last night? Why could she see these things so clearly when none of it was real?
"Ayanami, are you okay?" Nagisa spoke, breaking her out of her trance. "Do you need to see the nurse?"
"Seriously, Rei, you don't look so good..." Asuka murmured, regarding her with a look of genuine concern.
Rei took a couple deep breaths and shook her head, trying to center herself. It was just a dream, or set of dreams, she reminded herself. It was nothing more. She should just forget about it... "I'm fine," she replied, forcing a smile. "Lets just go to class..."
"Alright..." Asuka returned, still eyeing her with concern. "Let's go then."
The three of them closed the distance to the school building with Rei in the lead. Asuka hung back a few paces and struck up a conversation with Nagisa which Rei didn't pay much attention to. As they moved through the halls all she could think about was seeing Shinji... and surviving the afternoon's English test.
In short order they reached the door of her classroom and she paused at the door, Asuka at her side. Nagisa had taken off for the restroom, leaving the two of them alone once again. Rei peered inside through the small window on the door and immediately her heart skipped a beat when she laid eyes on Shinji Ikari. He was already sitting at his desk in the back of the classroom right next to her own desk. She still was thankful when seats had been reassigned a few weeks ago that he'd been placed next to her. Some might think it strange, but she did enjoy just... observing him at times, just admiring him when she could.
Asuka leaned in close to her ear. "So..." she drawled quietly. "Are you ever going to confess to him?"
Rei tensed up, her heart rate quickening. She wanted to, oh how she wanted to, but part of her was genuinely afraid to do so. What if he didn't feel the same way? What if he only saw her as a friend and her confession made it awkward. They had such a good friendship and she was afraid of ruining that...
Yet again she felt that electric in her head jolt and a vision from her nightmare flashed through her mind, this one the clearest yet. She was outside a room, a hospital room, shouting at him as he walked away from her. They'd been arguing about something that she couldn't quite remember but whatever it was it was terrible. Something must have happened to someone both of them cared about, something she herself was partially at fault for. Was that person Asuka? Maybe... probably... but she couldn't remember for sure. Either way, he was walking away from her and she was begging him to forgive her. She'd just told him she loved him and he'd told her to stop... "I don't know if I should..." she responded just above a whisper, looking down at her feet.
"Of course you should," Asuka responded with a confident smirk, nudging her with her elbow, apparently oblivious to her most recent episode of tuning out the world. She'd probably just looked deep in contemplation... "That idiot clearly feels the same way about you but he's too chicken to tell you."
Rei felt her cheeks getting hot. "D- do you really think so?" she stammered.
"I know so," Asuka responded, her smirk widening. "It's half the reason I poke fun at him. He's too much a chicken-shit."
Rei shoved the her nightmare out of the forefront of her mind once more. That was just a nightmare and this was reality. She needed to let it go... "Maybe you have a point..." she murmured in response, meeting Asuka's gaze albeit nervously "But... what if he doesn't?"
Asuka rolled her eyes. "He does," she groaned before a warm smile took shape on her lips. "Seriously, just get him alone after school and tell him. You'll see."
Rei nodded, a smile of her own taking form. Asuka was usually right when it came to relationships, what was the point in doubting her now? "I'll think about it..." she replied.
The door beside them opened, revealing the class representative, Hikari Horaki, standing there regarding them with a friendly but businesslike expression. Good morning Asuka. Good morning Ayanami," she greeted them. "Class is about to begin."
"No worries, Hikari," Asuka responded to her. "We were about to step in."
Rei followed Asuka into the classroom and made her way to her seat. As she did Shinji looked up at her and flashed her a warm smile like he always did, something that never failed to make her heart beat faster. "Hey, Rei," he spoke as she neared him. "How are you this morning?"
"I'm alright," Rei said as she sat down, sharing a smile of her own, trying to keep herself from blushing. His smile was so hard to resist... "And you?"
He beamed back at her. "I'm alright, a little nervous about the English test, but alright," he replied. "I hope you like the curry I made for our lunch today. I changed up how I make it a little bit, it's a little spicier."
Rei's smile only grew as that warm and pleasant feeling in her chest intensified. She was always grateful that he brought her lunch almost every day. It was yet another one of those little things he did that made her fall in love with him. "If you made it then I'm sure I'll enjoy it," she returned warmly.
His cheeks turned a little pink and he looked away awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. "Th- thanks..." he murmured nervously in reply.
Rei bit the inside of her lip, her heart beating faster. Did she say that out loud?
"Stand!" Horaki's command shook her from her thoughts. She stood from her seat and followed the following commands along with the rest of her classmates. "Bow! Sit!"
Class got underway and within short order Rei found herself staring out the window, paying little attention to the subjects the old teacher droned on about. Minutes turned to hours and Rei was seriously contemplating going to sleep in class when the teacher started talking about the Second Impact. For some strange reason that subject drew her attention.
The old teacher was droning on and on about how the cataclysmic event of fifteen years ago had been caused by a meteorite striking the continent of Antarctica with enough force to push the earth off its tilt, leading to the absence of seasons and the deaths of billions of people. Something about that explanation didn't sit right. Why did she seem to remember another story behind that event, once involving a scientific conspiracy and some sort of sleeping creature?
Rei shuddered and drew a deep breath. No. No, that was how Second Impact had been caused in the nightmare, not reality. She needed to let it go. She needed to just forget about that stupid, gnawing, horrendous nightmare of the previous night...
Another hour or two passed and class was dismissed for lunch. Rei was quite relieved when the moment came. As pleasant as her breakfast of rice and miso with Ritsuko had been it wasn't the most filling of meals. In addition, being able to eat lunch with Shinji was always a highlight of her day.
"Where do you want to eat today?" Shinji asked her as he rose from his seat and held out the bento box he'd made for her. "Courtyard? Roof?"
"The roof," Rei replied, taking her gift in her hands. As nice as the courtyard was the roof was far cozier. It would allow them to have a much greater level of peace and quiet since a lot fewer students took their lunch up there. Besides... maybe she might work up the courage to finally tell him how she felt if they were alone.
Shinji grinned warmly. "The roof it is then," he returned.
Under a comfortable silence the two of them left the classroom and navigated the hallways until they reached the roof. They stepped through the door and into the sunlight and Rei took a moment to appreciate the breeze and view of the hills in the distance. This was probably her favorite place in the school. It always made her feel calm and peaceful being up here with just Shinji...
The two of them sat down near the railing and opened their bento boxes. Rei wasted no time, sticking her chopsticks in and grabbing a bite almost immediately.
"How is it?" Shinji asked, sounding a little nervous. "Do you like it?"
Rei would admit it was spicier than usual but it was extremely tasty. "It's very good," she replied with a smile.
Shinji looked relieved. "I'm glad," he returned warmly.
In short order they'd finished eating. Once they'd tided up their empty bento boxes Shinji laid down on his back, placing his arms behind his head, looking up at the sky. "Hey..." he spoke softly, looking up at the clouds. "Do you ever think about the future?"
Rei found his question a bit perplexing. "In what way?" she inquired.
Shinji's expression became rather contemplative, his eyes staring unfocused up at the clouds above. "I don't know..." he responded. "It's hard to think about, but things won't always be like they are now. Do you ever think about how it might change? How all of us might change when we grow up?"
Rei lay down beside him, a melancholy feeling washing over her. He was right... but she didn't want to think about that. She was happy with the way things were now, and if she could make sure that they stayed this way forever she would happily do it. "Not really..." she replied quietly. "I'd rather just enjoy things as they are now..."
Shinji let out a little chuckle. "I suppose that's a good way to look at things," he mused. "Why think about tomorrow when we should be enjoying today, right?"
It was like he'd read her mind, or at least tapped into the sentiment she was feeling deep down in her heart. "Yeah..." she murmured softly, her lips curving upward slightly. "Exactly..."
"Hey you two!" Asuka's voice rang out in a teasing tone, shattering her moment of peace. "What're you up to!? You weren't making out, were you!?"
Rei sat up and toward the entrance of the roof to find both Asuka and Nagisa standing there as Shinji shot upright quick as lightning. "N- n- no!" he stammered. "N- nothing like that, Asuka! W- we were just talking, that's all!"
"Sure you were," Asuka teased, planting a hand on her hip and smirking at the two of them. "That's why you're stuttering like an idiot... oh wait, you always do that."
"Asuka, that's not very nice..." Rei admonished, glaring at her friend.
"Oh yeah?" Shinji retorted, seemingly finding his courage and composure. "You're one to talk, considering you're always hanging around Nagisa-kun!"
Rei watched as Asuka turned beet red. "Wh- what are you talking about!?" she stammered. "Shut up!"
Nagisa shrugged his shoulders and shut his eyes, that airy grin he always wore never wavering. "Ah... I suppose it can't be helped..." he stated in a nonchalant manner.
Those words were surprising, causing Rei's eyebrows to lift. Apparently she wasn't the only one who those words had taken of guard. Both Shinji and Asuka had turned their attention fully to Nagisa with Asuka regarding him with a wide eyed look somewhere between disbelief and horror. "Wh- what are you talking about!?" she exclaimed, her voice coming out shrill and squeaky, very much unlike the typical cocky tone she spoke in.
Nagisa regarded her with a perplexed expression. "Are we not a couple?" he asked, his voice even and collected, as if what he was speaking was a known fact.
Rei watched as Asuka turned pale, her eyes widening in shock before looking at the white haired boy with a look of frustration and anger much more characteristic of her personality. "Wh- wh- what are you s- saying, dumbass!" she stammered.
Nagisa blinked, looking positively confused. "Wait, we weren't dating?" he uttered before looking down at his feet. "For some reason I'm disappointed..."
Asuka balled her fists at her side and bared her teeth in grimace. "Stop embarrassing me!" she snarled in frustration.
Rei's lips curved upwards, seeing a moment of advantage that the universe had presented her. "I see..." she stated slyly. "So you've been trying to hide things from us, haven't you?"
Asuka met her gaze looking positively horrified. "Sh- shut up, Rei!" she stammered desperately.
"Well if this is how you feel about our relationship then I'll take my leave..." Nagisa muttered, sounding a bit dejected, stepping toward the door.
Asuka looked visibly fearful as he opened the door and left the roof and she reached out for him. "Hey! Wait!" she called after him before giving chase. "Come back!"
A moment of silence fell on the rooftop before Shinji doubled over in great guffaws of laughter. Soon enough Rei joined him, emitting small giggles at her redheaded friend's expense. "Wow!" Shinji croaked out between guffaws. "Did you see Asuka's face!?"
Rei's grin widened as laughter boiled up in her chest. Soon enough she was laughing along with him. It felt good to engage in such an immature exercise... "I did," she responded between giggles. "It was quite amusing..."
Shinji laughed a bit more before calming down, looking off toward the hills with a contemplative expression. "I'm happy for her though," he stated softly. "It's good she's found someone who can understand her, right?"
Rei nodded her head, a blush igniting in her cheeks. He was so insightful when he wanted to be. If only he could just see her feelings and reciprocate them... "Y- yeah..." she murmured softly. "That's true..."
Shinji chortled softly. "Besides..." he replied. "It gets her off my back, right?"
Rei couldn't help but laugh at that. It felt good to be able to just sit and laugh with Shinji. It genuinely made her feel happy. "That is very true," she returned warmly.
Yes indeed... if she could allow time to stand still and for things to stay as they were right now forever she would...
The two of them stayed up on the roof simply enjoying the company of one another until nearly the end of lunch. Shinji, ever the dutiful and honest person he was, pointed out that class would begin soon and therefore the two of them should get back to class. Rei agreed and the two of them started heading back.
As they walked together through the halls side by side Rei couldn't help but notice his hand swaying centimeters away from hers. She found herself fixated on it as they moved. She really wanted to reach out and hold his hand but would he let her? Nervously she brought her hand closer to his and brushed it, eliciting an immediate reaction, though not the one she was hoping for... "Sorry," Shinji spoke out nervously, shifting away from her slightly. "I didn't mean to bump into you."
Rei felt a little disappointed but did her best not to show it. "It's okay," she replied. "I'm not bothered."
"Oh, uh... okay..." he replied, his cheeks turning a little pink.
Rei's lips curved upward as they continued on toward their classroom. Perhaps he really did reciprocate her feelings but was simply too nervous to say anything, just like her...
The rest of the walk back to the classroom was uneventful and they made it back just in time for the end of lunch break. That meant that the two of them were spared a scolding from Horaki... but it also meant the start of English lessons and therefore the test she'd been dreading all day. Even though she'd studied hard, foreign language was never an easy subject.
When the papers were collected she was rather confident that she'd attain a passing grade. Their teacher gave a few remarks about the subject for the next days material before the chimes sounded denoting the transition into the next period. Today that would be physical education and the girls would be spending it swimming, something Rei enjoyed, while the boys did track and field.
The moment Rei left the classroom to head to the locker rooms to change that a hand clamped down on her shoulder, forcing her to stop. She turned around to find Asuka standing behind her with an expression that read as a mixture of annoyed and relieved. "Y'know, I should be mad at you..." she spoke softly. "But it worked out..."
Rei tilted her head to the side, unsure of what she was getting at. "You mean regarding Nagisa-kun?" she inquired.
Asuka breathed a sigh and nodded. "Yeah..." she muttered, her lips slowly curving upwards. By the end she was positively beaming. "Thanks to you and Shinji I finally spat it out and, well... he said yes."
Rei found Asuka's gratitude a little surprising but the news did make her smile. "I'm happy for you," she stated warmly.
"Thanks..." Asuka replied. "So... are you gonna tell Shinji today?"
The question caused her stomach to do a flip but Rei closed her eyes took a deep breath, steadying herself. If Asuka could work up the courage than so could she... "Yes..." she replied softly, looking down at the floor with a soft grin.
"Come on!" Asuka replied with a smirk as she punched her in the shoulder lightly. "Say it like you mean it!"
Rei once again took a deep breath and met her friend's gaze. "Yes," she returned. "I'll tell him."
"Alright," Asuka said with a playful wink. "And don't think I'll let you back out of it, Wonder-Girl."
That nickname sent a chill down Rei's spine. It brought her back to the memories of that horrible nightmare. She couldn't remember Asuka ever having called her that in reality but in the dream she'd used that nickname often. The first time that she really remembered her using it was when, in the dream, they'd met for the first time on a big boat of some kind... except that wasn't the first time they'd met. No... she'd met her before that, knew her even. How? It didn't make sense... but it was just a dream. It didn't matter.
Once again she felt an electric jolt inside her head. A vision of Asuka laying atop a hospital bed with Shinji sitting at her side flashed through her mind. The sight of her redheaded friend's face filled with rage filled her mind. This was another part of the dream. Toward the end of the dream Asuka had choked her, tried to kill her. Why could she almost feel the sensation of her hands on her neck from the dream even now when thinking back on it? It was just a dream... but why did it feel so real?
"Rei, are you okay?" Asuka's voice shook her from her mental spiraling. "You started spacing out again."
Rei nodded, forcing a grin, suppressing that queasy feeling in her stomach. "I'm just thinking about how to do it..." she lied.
"Just follow your heart and let your gut do that talking," Asuka replied. "Besides, there's no way he'll say no."
Rei nodded yet again. "Yeah..." she murmured in agreement. Asuka was right. There was absolutely no reason at all that Shinji could possibly reject her...
She and Asuka moved to the locker room, changed into their school swimsuits, and made their way to the pool. Their physical education teacher spoke for a moment, detailing that each student would doing a timed lap around the pool, before the class began in earnest. Rei had a while to wait before she'd be called to do her timed lap and so she sat by the chain link fence that ran around the edge of the pool, looking down at the field and the runner's track below.
Down below she caught sight of Suzuhara, Aida, Nagisa, and Shinji all sitting together on one of the benches surrounding the track. They were too far away to hear what they were talking about but it looked like they were enjoying themselves. Then, as if he knew she was watching him, Shinji looked up in her direction. Half a second later he raised his hand and waved. Even though he was far away she could tell he was smiling. Slowly she raised a hand a waved back. It wasn't much, but she treasured small, precious moments like this...
Asuka walked up to where Rei was sitting and plopped down beside her. "Hey, Rei, you're up next," she stated flatly.
Alas the moment was over. She stood up, moved to the edge of the pool, and stepped into it. She yeilded a decent time in her lap around the pool, something the instructor complimented her on, and proceeded to return to her spot by the fence after drying herself off. By then Shinji was gone from the bench by the track down below...
As all things do, gym class eventually ended, meaning that academic classes would resume shortly. Rei washed herself off, changed back into her uniform, and returned to class just as she did on any other day after physical education. Lessons resumed, time continued dragging by, and eventually the day was over, presenting her with the challenge she'd set for herself.
When class was dismissed at the end of the day Shinji immediately shot up from his seat, stretching his arms above his head, letting out a yawn. "Man, I'm glad that's over..." he stated, turning to face her with a sheepish grin. "I was five minutes away from falling asleep."
Rei stood up from her desk and shouldered her book bag. "It was getting rather boring I will agree," she replied.
"Well, the day's over..." Shinji replied, his grin widening. "Want to walk home together?"
Rei smiled. That would certainly fell in line with her plans... "Indeed I would," she returned warmly.
The two of them left the classroom and entered the hallway. As she moved toward the stairwell she took sight of Asuka and Nagisa standing just outside their classroom conversing. She must have immediately bolted from the class with him. Asuka turned in her direction and shot her a playful wink along with a smirk as if to silently tell her to follow through. Rei nodded back subtly as she passed them. When they reached the stairwell Rei stopped on the intermediate landing between the second floor and the first. Shinji turned around and regarded her with a perplexed expression. "Hey, is something wrong?" he asked. "Did you forget something?
Rei drew a deep breath and crossed her arms across her chest, digging her fingers into the sleeves of her uniform, shuffling her feet and bowing her head. This was it... she was about to tell him. "No..." she returned in a shaky whisper. "I didn't forget anything..."
"Then... what's wrong?" Shinji asked, sounding confused, taking a step towards her.
Rei swallowed the growing lump in her throat. "I- I wanted to tell you something..." she murmured softly.
"Is something wrong at home?" he asked, his tone taking on notes of concern. "You know you can tell me anything, Rei."
She let her hands fall to her sides and balled up her fists, again taking a deep breath. She closed her eyes, the embarrassment and the anxiety nearly overcoming her. Despite it, she pushed through and forced herself to speak the words that defined her feelings for him. "I- I love you!" she blurted out.
Shinji was utterly silent. Rei opened her eyes and met his gaze. He was staring at her with a wide eyed expression, his mouth slightly open, his cheeks tinted pink.
Rei's heart was pounding in her chest but she couldn't back down. She's said it and there was nothing she could do but double down. "I- I've felt like this for a long time..." she croaked out, closing her eyes and throwing herself into a deep bow. "Please go out with me!"
Rei froze in that position, her eyes shut tight. A moment of silence passed. her heart thumped in her chest like a hammer. Was he going to accept her confession? Reject it? What? Then she felt his hands rest on her shoulders. It caused her to flinch at first and then she stood up straight, nervously opening her eyes. Shinji was smiling at her, the beautiful, handsome smile of his. He didn't say anything, he just stood there smiling. After another moment he pulled her into a hug. She felt such overwhelming warmth an joy flood through her and she buried her face into the crook of his neck with a huge grin. Yes... everything was working out as it should... and then he spoke.
"I would love to accept..." he murmured softly. "If only this wasn't a dream..."
Rei's stomach lurched and it felt like he'd stabbed her through the heart with an icicle. He let go of her, that smile of his remaining, before he stepped away from her, turned around, and descended the stairs, disappearing out of sight.
She stood there on the landing, feeling like she'd just been torn in two, her eyes stinging. It was getting hard to breathe and hard to see. She didn't want to cry. She never cried. She didn't allow herself to cry. This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to be happy... and yet the tears began to flow. It didn't make any sense. Why did he say he'd love to accept her confession and then turn away from her? What did he mean by what he said afterward? It didn't make any sense!
But there was nothing she could do to change it... all she could do was stand there and quietly sob.
"Ayanami, I'm glad I caught you before you went home," a voice sounded from behind her on the stairs.
Rei balled her fists and took a deep breath before she turned around. She refused to let anyone see her like this. She wiped the tears from her eyes and found Horaki standing at the top of the stairs. "What is it?" she croaked.
"Sensei wanted to speak with you about something in the staff office," she responded. "He didn't say what."
Rei found that perplexing. What could their teacher want with her after class was dismissed? She supposed all she could do was go see him and find out. At least it might help to distract from the pain and sadness she was experiencing... "Okay..." she murmured softly, casting her eyes down at the steps before ascending to the second floor, silently passing Horaki.
She trudged to the staff room and opened the door. She looked over the room and it appeared no one was there... no one except a woman with short brown hair and a long white coat facing the window... "H- hello?" Rei spoke softly.
The stranger emitted a quiet but ominous laugh. "So... after all the things you've experienced and all the trials you've surmounted... this is what you choose to do," they spoke out. "I must say, I'm rather disappointed in you..."
Rei began to feel a distinct and horrible fear pulse through her. This person seemed so familiar. Why did they seem so familiar? She knew she'd met this person before... but that was just in the nightmare! It was just a nightmare... right? "E- excuse me?" she stammered out nervously.
The stranger turned around, regarding her with a smirk on a face that looked like an older version of her own. "Hello Rei," they said softly. They were no stranger. She knew exactly who this person was... "It's been a while..."
Rei's eyes went wide and she let out a scream of pure, unrestrained, existential terror as her memories came flooding back...
Author's notes
And thus the personal instrumentality of Rei Ayanami begins...
This chapter and the one that follows afterward are two that I've been super excited to put to the page as they cut to the heart of all the themes that I've been trying to outline since the very beginning of the story. Honestly, this moment was one that I envisioned before I even started writing the story. I hope that it provides the dramatic buildup that I intended it to. Also, I think it's safe to say that this story is now diving completely into the surrealist craziness that makes Evangelion. I hope that I'm doing it justice.
There's a whole bunch more I could say, but honestly if I do, it would probably spoil the next chapter...
Please read and review!
Regards,
A.F.