It was a beautiful day. Well, beautiful considering Hell's standards. The sky was red, the buildings were on fire and people screaming bloody murder. Yep, totally regular.
Inside I.M.P. Headquarters, the big Imp boss himself, Blitzo, was checking out the mail and pulling out two letters and inspecting them with a raised eyebrow.
A bus pulled over by the driveway and out came two Hellborn demons, one an anthropomorphic blue jay as well as a short brown raccoon.
Mordecai held the newspaper in his hands and both he and Rigby looked at the circled advert for new hirings at I.M.P. that required no experience. Seemed like easy money, the two thought.
Nodding to themselves, the two entered the building.
Eventually, the two demons arrive at the door for I.M.P. The blue jay knocked on the door and it opened revealing a short female Imp with red skin, a long tail, dark hair and thick eyelashes.
Mordecai raised his hand up to greet her and then showed her the newspaper and pointed to where the advert was circled.
The female Imp nodded her head and took out her hand for a handshake to which Mordecai complied. Mordecai then gestured to his raccoon friend, Rigby who also raised his hand up.
Rigby took the female Imp's hand and shook it and then she allowed them to enter the office.
Mordecai and Rigby observed the office with awe. Millie then proceeded to point towards where Blitzo's office was and Mordecai and Rigby entered.
...
...
...
Mordecai and Rigby were now sitting on two chairs in front of Blitzo. The Imp cleared his throat. "Ahem. So I take you two saw the ad we put up, yeah?"
Mordecai and Rigby nodded to that question.
"Cool. Although it's not required, I gotta ask: Do the two of you know how to use guns?"
"Well, I did hold a gun... Once." Rigby stated.
Mordecai scoffs. "Yeah and you set off the high school sprinklers and almost got yourself expelled. Your parents were absolutely pissed off at that time."
"Guns are heavy, man!"
"More like you're really weak to even hold one."
"STOP TALKING!"
Blitzo lightly chuckled to himself and spoke up. "Alright then, let's just get to the point. The reason why I decide to hire more people at this company is because a few days ago, my bitch of an employee almost got us both killed all because he couldn't even kill one happy family and the more people I hire, the more I don't have to rely on that baby-dicked troll for assassinations so I'm really counting on you two."
"Yeah, you got it!" Said Mordecai.
"You can trust us, man!" Added Rigby.
Blitzo clapped his hands and grinned. "Great, then it's settled! Welcome aboard!" He stretched out his hand for a handshake and Mordecai and Rigby shook it. "Although, I don't really have much work for you guys to do right now soooo... You can just go and do whatever the hell you want, I don't give a shit."
"Aw, yeah-yuh!" Mordecai exclaimed.
"Sweet!" Said Rigby.
The two then high five each other and exited the office, leaving Blitzo to sit at his desk... And on his strangely uncomfortable chair.
Blitzo took notice and shifted his position a few times and groaned. Damn, this chair was fucking up his ass and not in the sexy way either. "Ah, damn it." He then pulls out a megaphone and spoke into it. "Hey, MM! I got a job for you two to do!"
...
...
...
Mordecai and Rigby stood at the kitchen, chuckling to themselves. The blue jay spoke up. "Dude, I can't believe we actually got the jobs!"
"Yeah, what you wrote in those job applications must've really convinced him! That or he's just really desperate." Rigby laughed.
"Yeah, about that. I kinda told him you'd be a good idea to hire, so can you try not to do the whole "Rigby thing"." Mordecai stated which made his raccoon friend raise an eyebrow.
""Rigby thing"? What do you mean?"
"I mean you're lazy."
"What? I'm not lazy."
"Dude, you were too lazy to fill up the application for this job. That's why I had to vouch for you in the first place."
"Just because I was too lazy to do something boring like filling in a job application doesn't mean I'm lazy."
While the two talked to each other, Millie and her husband, Moxxie walked past the two and into Blitzo's office. Ignoring them, Mordecai and Rigby continued the conversation.
"Okay. Okay. Look. Let's just both promise that starting right now we're not gonna do anything to screw this up. Okay?"
"Okay. You think there's breakfast stuff in this kitchen?" Rigby asked his feathered friend.
"Hmm..." Mordecai thinks to himself as he observed the kitchen area. "Only one way to find out!"
Mordecai then opened up the fridge to see a milk carton inside. "Milk..." He promptly grabs the carton and closes the fridge.
Rigby opens the cabinet and sees a cereal box inside. "Cereal..." He grabs the box and closes the cabinet.
Mordecai and Rigby then approached the table with a bowl and poured the two items together. "Combine..."
...
...
...
"Uhh, you wanted to see us, sir?" Moxxie sheepishly asked his boss.
Blitzo pinched the bridge of his nose. "Of fucking course I do, Mox. If I didn't I wouldn't have used this piece of shit to call your ass here in the first place." Blitzo exclaimed while pulling out his megaphone for emphasis. Blitzo then puts down the megaphone and stands up to gesture at his chair. "Anyways, yeah. This chair fucking sucks and I want you two to throw it out."
"That's it? Alright, then. C'mon, Millie." Moxxie and Millie then approached the chair and began to lift it up.
...
...
...
Mordecai and Rigby had grabbed chairs to eat at the table. Rigby was about to eat the cereal until Mordecai places a hand on his chest. "This is the only clean spoon left, dude. Let's play Punchies for it."
"Okay? Me, first."
Mordecai then exposes his arm for Rigby to punch only for him to just lightly tap his arm pathetically. Mordecai chuckles in amusement before landing an even harder punch on Rigby's arm.
"...Ow. Fine, you take it."
Mordecai happily takes the bowl of cereal and chows down to his heart's content. "Man, so far this job is awesome! Can't believe you get free food from this!"
"Yeah, if only our apartment was as cool. There's literally nothing in it! I had to sleep on the floor last night." Rigby says before pouring the box of cereal into his mouth.
"Well, yeah, I mean, we could get some stuff for it after we make some money. You know?"
"I guess." Says Rigby with a mouthful of cereal.
"You want some milk?"
"Yeah."
Mordecai then proceeds to pour the milk into Rigby's cereal-filled mouth. Suddenly, Moxxie speaks up which startled the two. "Hey! Uh, please don't eat it like that. You're making a mess."
"Like what?" Said Millie as she and Moxxie carried Blitzo's chair out of the room.
Mordecai and Rigby's eyes widened at the sight of the chair. That thing looked fucking awesome! It distracted them to the point that Mordecai was now just pouring milk on Rigby's head.
"Wow, I've never seen anyone eat cereal like that! Looks fun!" Millie exclaimed.
"They're not supposed to eat it like that. That's what bowls are for." Moxxie explained to his wife as they both left the office.
"Dude... Did you see that chair?" Mordecai asked with an awestruck tone.
"I love chairs."
The two stare at each other briefly before rushing out of the building to follow the two Imps.
...
...
...
At the parking lot, Moxxie and Millie continued to carry the chair until it was at a nearby dumpster. They were stopped in their tracks when they suddenly heard someone calling out to them. They looked to see both Mordecai and Rigby running towards them.
"Wait!" Mordecai yelled at the two carrying the chair. "Hey, guys! What are you doing with that chair?"
"Well, Blitz found this chair really uncomfy and hard to sit on." Millie explained.
"So he ordered us to throw it away." Moxxie finished.
"Aw, what?" Rigby said, dejectedly.
Mordecai then added. "Yeah, why would you throw that thing out? It looks awesome. Can we at least check it out, before you chuck it?"
Moxxie then glanced at his wife to give him a straight answer. Millie then giggled. "I don't see why not."
Moxxie sighed. "Alright, fine." As he and Millie set the chair down for the duo to sit on.
Mordecai and Rigby then approached the chair with awe on their faces. "Aw, man, this chair is awesome. Look how awesome it looks." Said Mordecai.
"Dude, it sounds like old man pants." Commented Rigby as he began to squeeze the cushions of the chair.
"I'm gonna sit on it." Says Mordecai.
"Good idea!" Rigby replied.
And then Mordecai did so. Sitting on the chair and then slouching on it while sighing. But instead of satisfaction, Mordecai looked disappointed.
"What? What's wrong?" Asked Rigby.
Mordecai then proceeded to sit on the chair in multiple different positions to find a single way to make it feel comfortable... But to no avail. "This is the most uncomfortable chair I ever sat in."
"Aw, what? Let me try it." Rigby exclaimed as he moved Mordecai out of the way and sat on the chair.
"Well, that is why we're throwing it out in the first place." Moxxie stated.
Rigby slouches on the chair and groans. "Awww... This is terrible! Maybe we're just not sitting it right." Then just like Mordecai, Rigby began to shift into multiple different positions to try to find a single comfortable spot on the chair. "Come on, baby, come on, baby, come on! Come on, BABY! ...Ugh. It's just not comfortable, man. If you ask me, I think we should throw it away."
"Well, that was exactly what we were on our way to do." Millie said.
But Mordecai isn't going to give up on the chair just yet. "Hey, guys! Since you're throwing it out anyway, can I just have it?"
"No, let me have it!"
"I asked them first. Come on, guys!
"No, me!"
Millie then placed a finger on her chin. "Hmm... Well if you two are so eager to have this chair then I don't see why you can't just settle it between yourselves, then you're more than welcome to have it!"
"Sweet!" Exclaimed Rigby. "So how do you wanna do this?" He asked his friend.
"Let's play Punchies!" Mordecai smirked as he raised his fist.
"No way! I am not playing that game with you anymore!" Rigby objected while walking backwards a bit and waved his arms. "If we're playing for something like that chair, then we need to play a game that takes a little more... Skill."
Mordecai then raised an eyebrow and folded his arms on his chest. "How much skill?"
Rigby chuckled deviously. "I'm talking, Rock Paper Scissors!"
Millie then snickered to herself while Moxxie folded his arms. "Really? Rock Paper Scissors?"
"It was either that or Punchies and there's no way I'm playing that game again." Rigby said to the Imp.
"Alright, how do you wanna play it. Are we going in a one-two-three go? Or one-two-three, shoot on three?" Mordecai asked
"Let's do it on three." Rigby replied.
"Alright, fine. But let's stretch first. I don't wanna put my hammy or whatever."
"Okay, then."
And stretch was what the two began to do. Mordecai and Rigby started to crack their knuckles, twist their necks and started doing warming up exercises while their bodies made cracking sounds.
"So what's up with the new guys?" A new but familiar voice was then heard by the two Imps. They turned around to see their large Hellhound coworker standing behind them.
"Hi, Loona!" Millie greeted her with excitement.
"Oh, they're just getting ready to play Rock Paper Scissors for Blitz's old chair." Moxxie explained to Loona.
Loona folded her arms and raised an eyebrow. She looked at the two new employees who were still doing warm ups. "That sounds fucking lame."
"Well, if it means getting that piece of shit out of my office then I'd say, let them have it." Blitzo then suddenly came into the scene next to Loona.
"Wait, what are you two doing out here?" Moxxie asked.
Blitzo chuckled. "Me and Loonie are gonna go to the mall for some chair-shopping! Isn't that right, sweetie?" The Imp said with a smile while putting an arm on Loona's shoulder.
Loona groans in annoyance before flicking the arm away and heading over to the van with Blitzo following suit.
Meanwhile, Mordecai and Rigby had finished their warm ups and were ready to begin the game. "Ready?" Challenged Mordecai.
The two then threw out their hands and began playing. They both tied with scissors.
They started another round and tied again.
"Wow! Two ties in a row?" Millie said with excitement.
Rigby wiped the sweat off his forehead. "Two ties. You don't know what I'm throwing next, baby."
"Pfft. I already know what you're gonna throw before you even throw it, baby."
Rigby growled and began yelling. "That's not even possible, baby!
Then another which resulted in another tie.
They both played a few more times and each of those times all ended with ties. Rigby yells out in exasperation and kicks the dirt while Mordecai shouts out. "Come on!"
Millie claps her hands and giggles. Moxxie spoke up. "Eight ties in a row? That doesn't happen a lot, does it?" He asked his wife.
"Nope!" Millie replied.
Mordecai and Rigby continued to play the game, throwing out their hands in an effort to finally beat the other but all the rounds ended with ties.
But the two won't give up. They will have that chair, one way or another! The game continues while Moxxie and Millie look on in awe.
Eventually, a few other Imps and Sinners began to take notice of Mordecai and Rigby's game and gathered along to watch them go all out.
Mordecai and Rigby were now walking in circles against each other, their faces shown with exasperation and exhaustion as they keep on getting tied and tied.
The tie count continued to grow. 88. 89. 90.
91 and so forth...
Finally, at 99 ties, Mordecai and Rigby began to panic. The crowd that had gathered kept on cheering for the two. Millie was amongst the other demons cheering. "99 ties in a row!" She exclaimed before laughing excitedly.
"I didn't even think that was possible!" Moxxie said with an awed expression.
"ENOUGH!" Mordecai yelled out and silenced the crowd, having gotten fed up with the constant ties. "Why are we even doing this? You don't even like the chair!"
"So? You don't neither!"
"Dude, I was lying. I was just saying it so you wouldn't want it."
"I was lying also. I fucking love that chair!"
Mordecai glared at Rigby. "Well, then, I guess it's too bad, because after I finish it, I'mnevergonna let you sit on it!"
"Then finish it!"
This was it. The 100th round. Mordecai and Rigby slammed their fists onto their palms and threw out one more sign to finally finish the game... But it was still a tie.
After the deed was done, lightning began to crackle as a deep evil voice was heard by everyone in the area.
"Hahahahahahaha! Since no one can decide, and all is played is tied 100 times, I'd take it upon myself to eat your prize."
Suddenly, a large black hole materialized into the air and began to suck everything into it. The crowd that had formed around the two tried to escape it although a few weren't so lucky and got sucked into the black hole.
"What the fuck is that!?" Rigby exclaimed and pointed at the black hole.
"Come on! Let's go!" Mordecai rushed towards the entrance of the building while Moxxie and Millie followed.
"This is all your fault!" Rigby yelled at Mordecai.
"How is this my fault?! I just wanted to play Punchies!"
Rigby then noticed one crucial thing. He forgot the chair and now it was about to get sucked into the black hole. "The chair!" Rigby then went after it.
"The Rigby!" Mordecai gasped and followed him.
"Wait, guys don't! Damn it!" Moxxie yelled out as he and Millie followed the two.
...
...
...
The I.M.P. van was speeding across the city. Inside, Blitzo was jamming to some tunes in the radio while Loona stared at the window with an indifferent expression.
Blitzo took notice of this and began to speak to her. "Come on, Loonie can't you be a little excited for some quality father-daughter bonding time? C'mon, what's the worse that can happen?"
And just like that, radio stopped playing music and instead was the panicked voice of Millie coming through it. "Guys! You better get back here quick! Rock Paper Scissors has gone terribly wro-" Millie was then cut off by static.
"The fuck was that abo-" Blitzo was about to talk until getting cut off by a distant explosion. Specifically one that's somewhere near the work building. Blitzo sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Loona you go on ahead and take the shortcut, I'll follow shortly."
With a nod, Loona exits the van and began to run on all fours towards the explosion.
Meanwhile, Blitzo turns around and drives the van back while muttering to himself. "Fucking dumbasses."
...
...
...
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Mordecai, Rigby, Moxxie and Millie screamed together as they desperately held onto a nearby lamppost with Rigby still holding onto the chair.
Suddenly, a green tentacled monster appears through the black hole only to get sucked back in as the black hole grew larger and got more intense.
Unfortunately, the lamppost Millie was holding onto broke off and the four began to drift towards the black hole only for Millie to feel her legs get grabbed with a firm strong grip. Millie looks down and smiled widely when she saw who grabbed her. "Loona!"
Loona struggled against the black hole's force and grabbed onto the pavement. "The fuck did you guys do!?"
"We were playing Rock Paper Scissors and tied 100 times and then that thing showed up!" Mordecai frantically explained.
"Yeah, save it before this whole fucking thing is over!" Blitzo said as he drove up to Loona. He gestured her to grab on and she did. "Hang on, everybody!"
"Hang on, everybody!" Millie repeated.
"Hang on, every- Rigby!" Mordecai gasped as he saw half of Rigby's body was now partially sucked into the black hole.
The gang gasp in terror as Blitzo slammed onto the pedal and drove forward. Gradually, Rigby emerged from the black hole while screaming his lungs out, still holding onto the chair.
Blitzo drove forward but struggled against the black hole's pressure.
"What do we fucking do!?" Loona yelled out, holding onto Millie's legs with one arm and the van with the other.
"Dude! We tied a hundred times! We have to break it! I'm gonna throw rock!" Mordecai shouted at Rigby.
"Yeah, righ-"
"I'M NOT KIDDING!!"
Moxxie yelled out to the two. "Hurry up! Do it now!"
Mordecai and Rigby put their hands out and began to throw one last round to put an end to it once and for all. Finally, they broke the tie and the area flashed a bright light.
The gang found themselves on the ground, coughing. "Did you win?" Mordecai asked weakly. "I think he won..."
Rigby then got up and dusted himself off. He sighs. "It doesn't matter. I wasn't able to hold on to the chair anyways."
"Guys, look!" Millie exclaimed while pointing out the chair on the street. It seemed that it had actually survived the black hole!
Well, half of it's smoking, charred remains anyways.
"Aw, sweet!" Rigby excitedly said while pumping his arm up.
Then, like it was a sick joke, the remains of the chair was immediately ran over by a semi truck.
Rigby looks on in silence. "Now that's just cruel." Mordecai walks over to where Rigby is and then promptly punches him in the arm. "Ow! What was the for!?"
"Dude, look around! The place is trashed all because you wanted to play Rock Paper Scissors!"
"Okay, fine I guess I did."
Mordecai sighs. "Okay, starting now, let's both promise not to do anything to screw this up. Agreed?"
"Agreed... Rock Paper Scissors for who gets to drive the van?"
Mordecai and Rigby began to shake their fists while the rest of I.M.P. rush in to stop them. "Wait, no! Don't-"
The End