I danced in the desert in the pouring rain
Drank with the devil and forgot my name
Woke with somebody when the morning came
No one there to shame me for my youth
Grantaire ran. It's what he did best and yet he had hoped he would never have to do it again. He finally had friends. A guy who wanted him, although Grantaire couldn't see why, but he did. He felt safe and comfortable. But he should've known it would all end eventually. That he would find a way to muck it up. And muck it up he did. He didn't even have the heart to tell his friends or his love goodbye. He had packed up his things, scribbled 'I'm sorry -R' on a sticky note, and left in his beat up car.
He drove for four hours, stopping only to stock up on junk food and use a gas station bathroom, before he got the first call. It was Enjolras, of course it was, and he didn't have the heart to decline the call. He let it ring out, sobbing the whole time that he couldn't just answer. If anyone could make this right it was his angel. But no, not even Enjolras could fix Grantaire's mess this time.
He listened to the voicemail 7 times while at a rest stop. Taire… I… I'm sure you just left early for work or something. Normally I wouldn't get worried but I saw the note… Please Grantaire… just call me. I… I'm worried.
Grantaire didn't call back.
The next call came an hour after the last one. Grantaire let it ring three times before declining it. R please. Enjolras sounded desperate, starting Grantaire's tears fresh. Enjolras was loud, brash, and passionate. Never desperate. No one's heard from you and Eponine says you haven't shown up for work. Taire, please come home. I love you and I'm so scared.
Call's came frequently after that. One right after another from all his friends. They left voicemails that ranged from Jehans quiet concern to Eponines anger that Grantaire knew was masking her worry. They left so many voicemails that soon they weren't able to send anymore.
After a few hours Grantaire decided to stop at a rundown hotel. He had barely slept the last few days and he was feeling the lack of sleep catching up to him. He stumbled into the room he bought just as his phone rang again. It was Bossuet and this time Grantaire didn't decline it. He answered and held the phone up to his ear without saying a word.
"Taire, oh my gosh Taire are you there?" Bossuet's voice sounded relieved and panicked and in the background he could hear rushing feet and muffled voices. "R, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, you can all stop calling me now."
"Taire, we've been so worried. Where are you? When are you coming back?"
"I'm not." He could hear Bossuet breathing on the other side of the line but he didn't respond. All noise coming from Bossuet's line had stopped. "Let me go."
"Taire I don't… I don't understand."
"Stop calling me. Tell Enjolras to let me go. Tell them all to leave me alone." He hung up after that. They all called a few times more until finally the calls stopped. He screen recorded the voicemails. He wanted to keep them as a memory of the people he loved but he needed the voice messaging space. Still it hurt to delete them, even though he had a saved copy.
He received one last call from Enjolras at midnight that night. R please. He could hear Enjolras's sobs and his heart broke. Whatever I've done… Taire let me try and fix it. Please don't leave. Please… please come home. Please Taire. His voice was cut off by another round of sobs and the voicemail cut off.
He continued driving away from D.C, away from his friends and his angel, the next day.
A week later Grantaire found himself in Nevada. He had told himself he'd just drive through Vegas and yet he found himself checking into a hotel. The nightmare's came on strong that night and when he awoke he couldn't shake the uneasiness and feeling of touch on his skin. He quickly got dressed and left his room, wandering around the still busy streets of Vegas. It started to pour and he found a cheap bar to take refuge in.
With the first shot he took his body loosened up. By the fourth he was dancing with a blonde man. When the man offered to take him back to his hotel room he agreed. They danced and laughed in the rain all the way back to Grantaire's hotel. They were soaked by the time they fell into bed together but neither cared.
When Grantaire woke in the morning he forgot for a moment where he was. He smiled at his Apollo until it came back to him. Everything he had done. Everything he had thrown away. His Apollo, his friends, and now his sobriety. He cried quietly to try and not wake the sleeping lookalike beside him. He packed up quietly and left a note for the blonde man, gosh Grantaire couldn't even remember his name if he had gotten it at all, letting him know that he could stay the morning but check out was at 2.
He got into his car and started driving again.
Cause I wouldn't be with you
The morning Enjolras woke up without Grantaire by his side he was confused. Taire almost never woke before Enjolras and whenever that rare occurrence happened he almost always woke to Grantaire studying his sleeping face. To find the bed empty, especially before Ejolras's alarm had gone off, was unheard of.
Still slightly dazed from sleep Enjolras slipped a shirt over his head and stumbled into the kitchen. On the counter he saw a note, hastily scribbled in Grantaire's hand. 'I'm sorry -R'..
"I'm sorry?" Enjolras muttered. "What's going on?" He flipped the sticky note over hoping to find an explanation. Maybe a 'I left for work early and didn't want to wake you' but there was nothing. He quickly made his way back into the bedroom where his phone was still sitting by his bed.
He quickly dialed Grantaire's number and cursed when he went to voicemail. "Taire… I… I'm sure you just left early for work or something. Normally I wouldn't get worried but I saw the note… Please Grantaire… just call me. I… I'm worried."
He waited 15 minutes before calling Eponine. "Hey Ep, I'm sorry to call you at work. Did Grantaire come in early?"
"He switched shifts with Cosette, he should've been here half an hour ago but he isn't. I was just about to call, I thought he had forgotten."
"He left before I woke up this morning. He didn't answer my phone call and there was a weird note on the counter." He heard Ep shout to a coworker to cover for her and waited while she presumably went into a different room.
"Enj, did something happen? Did you two get into a fight or something?"
"No. Ep, I swear everything has been going really well. He seemed a bit off yesterday but I figured he was frustrated with that project he'd been up all night working on. You know how he gets when he's got a deadline coming up."
"Okay, maybe he went to one of the others houses. Try calling them. I have to get back to work but call me immediately if you hear anything okay? I'll do the same."
He gave her an affirmative and hung up. He quickly started calling everyone that he knew. No one had seen or heard from Grantaire. By the time he reached the end of his contacts he was beyond worried.
He dialed Grantaire again, only getting three rings before going to his voicemail. "R please." His voice shook slightly and he took a deep breath before continuing. "No one's heard from you and Eponine says you haven't shown up for work. Taire, please come home. I love you and I'm so scared." He hung up the phone and swallowed hard trying to keep down the tears. It didn't work and soon they were flowing down his face.
He eventually calmed down enough to call Combeferre. "Hey, any news on Grantaire?" His voice was steady and calm, though Enj was sure he was concerned about their missing friend, but a solid rock was what Enjolras needed.
"Nobody has heard from him, he never showed up for work, and he's not answering my calls. Ferre," he choked on a sob. "Where is he?"
"Enj everything is going to be okay. I'm sure Grantaire is fine and there's a reasonable explanation. Why don't we get everyone to meet at the Musain and we can figure something out from there?"
Everyone gathered quickly. They had left so many voicemails at this point that Grantaire's inbox was full. All they could do was keep calling. But every rejected call felt like a knife in Enjolras's heart. He would've given up hope that Grantaire's phone was even still alive except half of the calls they sent out didn't go straight to voicemail.
After what felt like hours he finally heard Bossuet across the room. "Taire, oh my gosh Taire are you there?" Enjolras's head shot up and he rushed over to where Bossuet was sitting. Bossuet clicked the speaker button. Enjolras barely noticed the rest of their friends gathering around the phone as well. At Grantaire's silence Bossuet prompted him again. "R, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, you can all stop calling me now." Enjolras glanced desperately at his friends, who all seemed equally concerned.
"Taire, we've been so worried. Where are you? When are you coming back?"
"I'm not." You could hear a pin drop. "Let me go."
"Taire I don't… I don't understand."
"Stop calling me. Tell Enjolras to let me go. Tell them all to leave me alone." The phone connection cuts and everyone turned their concerned gazes to Enjolras who felt like the world was spinning. Courfeyrac quickly moved to his side and lowered him into a chair. He lowered his head onto the table and let himself breakdown.
He could vaguely hear his friends talking about what to do next but he couldn't focus enough to understand what they were saying. Eventually his body gave out and he must've fallen asleep on the table because he awoke to a shake on the shoulders.
"Come on Enj," Ferre said. "Courf and I are taking you back to our place. You are in no state to be by yourself right now." He drearily nodded in agreement and accepted Combeferre's hand. As they made their way back to their apartment Enjolras's mind raced.
Where is Grantaire? Is he safe? Why did he leave? What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong?
Enjolras couldn't get it out of his head. What had he done to push Grantaire away? He was known for being single minded. He could get wrapped up on a task and forget to even eat. He could have quite the temper, but he and Grantaire hadn't gone toe to toe in a year, and most of that was their own suppressed attraction because they thought the other hated them. They had both mellowed out considerably when their friends had staged an intervention and their feelings for the other had been revealed. They didn't have to hide behind their bickering any longer. And sure they still argued but there was never any heat behind it. Yes, Enjolras had his faults, he was never one to deny it, but things had been good lately. He couldn't think of what he had done to push Grantaire away.
He sat on Courf and Ferres kitchen counter staring at his phone. They had left him some of their clothes to wear to bed and a spare toothbrush before they headed to bed. But Enj couldn't sleep. He blinked back tears before dialing Grantaire's number. He was unsurprisingly sent to voicemail again. Grantaire must've cleaned his mailbox because it doesn't tell him the inbox is full.
"R please, whatever I've done…" His voice breaks and he finds the tears he's been holding back, falling down his face once again. "Taire, let me try and fix it. Please don't leave. Please… please come home. Please Taire."
And then I found me a lover who could play the bass
He's kinda quiet but his body ain't
Spend the days dreaming and our nights awake
Doing things we know we shouldn't do
A month later Grantaire finds himself setting down roots in California. He's running out of cash and ends up getting a bartending job at this music venue called the Orpheum. He's content, not as content as he was with The Amis, but his coworker Rose is nice. And one day a band called Sunset Curve performs. A bunch of young adults who abandoned their parents' college dreams to tour around. They had made quite the name for themselves in their 3 years being on the road. Their Bass player named Reggie immediately takes a shine to Grantaire. He's no Apollo but he's nice and they have fun.
He gets along well with the other band members Luke, Alex, and Bobbie, as well as Luke's girlfriend Julie, a phenomenal singer who chose to take the college route and pursue a music degree, and Alex's boyfriend Willie, a skater who had recently gotten out of a bad job situation at a shady club. He had come to work at the Orpheum just a week before Grantaire himself.
They spend a good two weeks together. Sharing leisurely kisses by day and at night getting wasted enough to forget their pain. They both have so much of it and it's easy to use the alcohol and each other to forget.
Cause I wouldn't be with you
Grantaire feels guilty, spending his nights with someone who isn't Enjolras. He left his beautiful angel behind because he was undeserving and had messed up, but it still felt wrong. And Reggie, he didn't deserve to be a placeholder in Grantaire's life for the person he couldn't have. But if the way Reggie looked at Luke was any indication then maybe Grantaire was also being used as a placeholder, which was fine by him.
He wonders how his Apollo is doing. Probably wrapped up in a new project, maybe on the arms of a new man. Grantaire could hardly blame him if he was.
Says he can't believe he found me
Wraps his arms around me
I can't let him in
The night before the boys are set to head out Reggie turns to Grantaire, pressing their chests together. "You could come with us." Reggie says, carding a hand through Grantaire's curls. "This doesn't have to end tonight."
"I can't Reg. I think we both knew this wouldn't last long." Reggie nods in understanding.
"I really hope you go back to that boy of yours someday. I don't care what you say, you are a wonderful person who deserves every happiness." Grantaire lets out a self deprecating chuff of disbelief at Reggies words.
"And I'm sorry your boy has someone else. I had a friend who had a similar thing happen to her. But she found someone, someone who loves her, and who she loves more than anything. You'll find that person for you someday." Reggie smiles at him and wraps his arms around Grantaire pulling him close.
"I can't believe I found you. I am so lucky to have known you, even for this short of a time."
When the boys leave the next day it's bitter sweet. Grantaire is ready to move on anyways but he misses the friendship Sunset Curve had offered for the little bit he knew them for.
You call me up and ask me how I've been
I'll call your bluff and
Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies
Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies
That night, after Sunset Curve had left, when Enjolras makes his weekly call to Grantaire, a call that has never been answered, Grantaire actually picks up.
"Taire?" Grantaire notes that his voice sounds tired and frail. A stark contrast to how Enjolras normally sounds and it takes him by surprise.
"Hey Enj," He wants to start crying but he holds it in.
"How are you?"
"I…" Grantaire wants to tell him the truth. Wants to tell him that he's in so much pain he can hardly breath most nights. That he's been allowing other people into his bed and started drinking again just to stop the feel of other hands on him. He can't say all that though. "I'm doing okay." Liar, the voice in Grantaire's head whispers. The voice isn't wrong, but it isn't even the worst of what Grantaire is so he just shoves it aside. "How are you doing?"
"I'm… Yeah I'm doing fine." Grantaire can hear the lie in his voice. He calls him on it but only in his head. If he calls Enj out for lying then it's only him giving Enj permission to do the same. "We all really miss you."
I can't let him in
You play me rough, but I won't let you in
So, call my bluff, I'll
Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies
Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies
"Yeah, I'm sure." There's a bitterness in his voice he didn't mean to slip in.
"Look Grantaire, whatever happened, whatever I did to push you away, I didn't mean to. Please just come home, we can figure this out." The tears are falling down Grantaire's face now but he can't get them to stop. Even if Enjolras would have forgiven him for his mistake he would not forgive what Grantaire had been doing since he left. There was no going back now. "Please R. I still love you." He hangs up the phone.
Oh, count down to the day they may come true
Enjolras stared at the phone in his hand. Grantaire had picked up. And Grantaire had hung up. He slides down the wall he had been leaning on and lets his head fall between his knees.
He had never been an overly emotional man, passionate yes, but he had never been one to cry or to breakdown. These days those two things were all he seemed capable of doing. Everything reminded him of Grantaire. All he wants is for his love to come home.
And I fell for a vagabond, a month at tops
Lied and said his bike was in the motor shop
Drove my car once and made the tire pop
Still we had some fun till I came to
Cause I wouldn't be with you
Grantaire left California shortly after Sunset Curve did. He drove up to Oregon and slowly made his way up the coast, mostly living out of his car. He met Bahorel that way. Bahorel had holed himself away at a campground while his bike was in the shop. Lincoln city wasn't a bad place and Grantaire found himself sticking around. The surf wasn't as great as California but he found himself going out on the water with Bahorel.
'Rel was a big fan of alcohol but an even bigger fan of weed. They spent most of their month together high and/or drunk. Grantaire found himself opening up to him more and more. Telling him about things he hadn't told anyone. One night when he was high and drunk and they were laying on their backs under the stars he told Bahorel about his friends back in D.C.
"So why did you leave? Sounds like a perfect group."
"I cheated on my boyfriend." It was the first time Grantaire had even talked about it outloud. "My old boyfriend from highschool, Montparnasse, I ran into him a few days before I left. I tried to steer clear of him but he found out where my art studio was and waited for me. He dragged me inside and we…" Grantaire was full on sobbing. "So I can't go back because if they knew what I did, what I let him do, while I was with Enj, they would never forgive me."
Bahorel had turned on his side to face Grantaire. "R, did you want to be with Montparnasse that night?" Grantaire shook his head. "Taire… did he force himself on to you?"
He choked on a sob. "You don't understand 'Rel. I should've fought him harder. I should've…" The sobs came harder and Bahorel pulled Grantaire in closer.
"Nothing about what happened is your fault Taire. Your friends would understand."
They didn't talk about it again after that night but Grantaire felt a little lighter having told someone what had happened.
One day they decided to drive into town and Bahorel had convinced Grantaire to let him drive the car. The tire popped and they had to get it towed to the only car shop in town. When Grantaire asked to see 'Rels bike he fessed up to having lied about the bike.
They go back to camp that night after the tire is fixed and start a fire. When they've both eaten, Grantaire finally asks. "So, why'd you lie about the bike?"
"The real story is too embarrassing." After Grantaire fixes him with a hard stare he sighs in defeat. "I was traveling around with a group of friends, we got into a fight and they left me here. At least they left my stuff too. I don't really have anywhere else to go so I decided staying here wasn't the worst thing to do. Was kinda lonely until you showed up though." They both chuckle a bit.
"Look, this might sound stupid but if you need somewhere to go… those friends in D.C might be able to help. They kind of make it their mission to help people in need. And you remind me a lot of them, just not as uptight." He chuckles a bit in fondness at his friends. "I'm sure they could help you get on your feet if you wanted and I think you'd fit right in with their agenda to help save the world."
"Yeah, I'll think about that." Bahorel seems genuinely interested and Grantaire gives him the name of the student group and Courfeyrac's number, at least he thinks it's Courfs number, he has no way of knowing if it's up to date.
Grantaire heads out the next morning after Bahorel wraps him in a hug and says "I think I'm going to head to D.C. and try and meet up with these friends of yours. I can't believe I found you R. I'm so lucky to have found you, that you were able to give me this chance. And I think you should consider coming back too. Maybe not right now. But when you're ready."
On the Fourth of July I met a man Pierre
Lied about his age but I didn't care
Spoke in broken English but the heart was there
In those eyes of sky and ocean blue
Says he can't believe he found me
Wraps his arms around me
After leaving Bahorel, Grantaire heads back down to California. He doesn't go to the Orpheum again, instead he finds a job bartending in San Diego. He's working the Fourth of July when he meets a customer named Pierre. His license says he's 35, and Pierre must already be drunk enough to forget that Grantaire is holding it, because when Grantaire asks Pierre tells him he's 24.
It's obvious Pierre is trying to brand himself as closer to Grantaire's age and from the heavy flirting it's clear why. Grantaire doesn't mind though. Pierre's attractive enough, and if he happens to have blonde hair and blue eyes, well there's no one around to call him on it, and so when Pierre asks him what time he's off he tells him. He sticks around for most of Grantaire's shift, flirting with him, which is becoming harder because the drunker he gets the harder it becomes for him to remember English. Pierre is French and Grantaire finds it cute the way he fumbles for words.
When they stumble into Grantaire's hotel room, their mouths connected, Grantaire fully intends to take him to bed. But his phone goes off and he instinctively checks it. It's Enjolras's weekly call. Grantaire hadn't answered one since that first time but Enj had never stopped trying to reach him.
His eyes start to well up and suddenly he's no longer in the mood to continue things with Pierre. He says he's sorry and tries to explain and Pierre is understanding. Right before Pierre leaves he wraps his arms around Grantaire and in his drunken state mumbles "I can't believe I found you. You are such a light Grantaire. I wish this could've been something but I understand."
I can't let him in
You call me up and ask me how I've been
I'll call your bluff and
Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies
Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies
Enjolras shouldn't be surprised by another rejected phone call. He hasn't heard from Grantaire in months and he's starting to believe he never will again. He should be at the 4th of July party his friends are throwing but he hasn't been in the mood for any kind of celebrating since Grantaire left.
Enj is just about to leave to join his friends and put on a facade when his phone starts ringing. He hardly believes it when the name on the screen reads R 3. He answers immediately and listens for a second while the presence on the other side of the line breathes.
"Taire?" He asks hesitantly.
"Hey Apollo, how are you?" His voice on the other end shakes and Enjolras can tell he's trying to hold it together.
"I'm doing okay." It's a lie but Grantaire doesn't call him on it so he offers the same courtesy when Grantaire tries to tell him he's fine. "Your friend from Oregon, Bahorel, showed up a few days ago."
"Oh yeah? How's he doing?" There's a genuine concern in his voice and Enjolras feels a measure of peace in knowing Grantaire still cared about them enough to entrust someone he cared about to them.
"He… he is doing great. I think he really fits in with the group. Moved in with Courf because Ferre and Ep got a place together."
"That's… that's really good. You know I should really be…"
"Please don't hang up." Enjolras cuts him off. "Please not yet."
No I can't let them in
You play me rough, but I won't let you in
So call my bluff, I'll
Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies
Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies
Oh, countdown to the day they may come true
"I shouldn't have even called in the first place Enj. Just… just let me go." Grantaire pleads.
"I can't Taire. I can't let you go. I don't think I will ever be able to let you go, don't you understand that? You are everything to me and since you left I can't even get through a day without breaking down. And I don't even know why. What did I do that pushed you away?" Grantaire lets out a sob and collapses onto the floor resting his forehead on the ground. He wants to stop, what's so desperately to hide this pain from Enjolras but the sobs keep coming. All the emotion he's been holding in can no longer be contained. "Come home Taire. Please just come home." Enjolras is also crying and that just pushes more sobs out of Grantaire.
"You did nothing, Enj. It's me. It's all me." He chokes out. "I messed up and I ruined everything and if you knew what I did… if you all knew none of you would ever want me around again." "Whatever it is Tair, we'll figure it out together just please come home. Nothing you could do would ever make me hate you. Please Taire." "I cheated," Grantaire chokes out, interrupting Enjolras. He can't bear to hear Enjolras say he'll always love him, not when Grantaire knows what he's done.
"What?" Enjolras sounds startled.
"The night before I left when I stayed late at my art studio. Montparnasse found out where it was and was waiting for me when I got there. I pushed him away. I told him to leave, that I didn't want him there but he just kept pushing. I should've tried harder. I should've said no more. So there you go. Now you know how dirty and messed up and broken I really am." He hung up the phone before Enjolras had a chance to respond.
Grantaire must've passed out on his floor from sheer exhaustion because he woke up to the sun streaming through the curtains and 56 missed calls from Enjolras and about a million texts. He ignores them all and gets ready for his day.
I'll come around
It's less than a week later when Grantaire goes back to his hotel room from a shift at the bar to find someone already in his room. His heart feels like it stops completely as the man stands up and hesitantly whispers "Taire?"
"What… what are you doing here?"
"Because I love you." Grantaire feels his heart start again but now in overdrive. He backs up slightly towards the door.
"But you know what I did. You know that I…"
"Don't." Enjolras moves towards him and cups his face in his hands. Grantaire can read the pain in them and the knowledge he caused his angel this much pain makes him break. Enjolras holds him tight as he starts to sob and he can feel Enjolras's body shake from tears as well. "It isn't your fault Taire. There is nothing that I blame you for. I am so sorry you've had to live with this burden on your own. You are not dirty, you are not a cheater, and I love you so much." Grantaire doesn't believe him. Not yet. But he feels himself starting to heal just a bit. So when Enjolras pulls away slightly to wipe tears off of Grantaire's face and hesitantly asks "please let me take you home." He just nods.
Enjolras wraps his arms around him and pulls him close, whispering into Grantaire's hair with another sob "I can't believe I found you."