Thanks to all of you who have read and reviewed this story. First of all let me start the author's note by saying that I work with domestic violence victims and their families. Abuse is not pretty. In fact, for most, it has a lifetime of negative consequences and the end result is often bleak. I want you all to know that this story is so hard for me to write. I have cried, gotten angry, killed James and resurrected him, but I want you to know that writing angst is hard. It is emotionally taxing because you have to become your characters. I have worked with victims and it is difficult to experience what they do through writing. I want to encourage you all to please take something from this story. DV is very real and happens every minute of the day. Please get involved with your local DV centers and make a difference in someone's life.
I also want to educate you on the nature of abuse. Realistically speaking, abusers don't always abuse. They can actually be very loving and even gentle with their spouses/partners. They are capable of loving and do in fact care for their victims. They often buy them gifts, give them special favors, indulge them sexually, or do something they've always wanted to do in order to "apologize" or right their guilt over abusing their spouses/partners. This is called the honeymoon phase. This phase can last anywhere from minutes to weeks to even months. In some cases, years. The cycle of abuse may be different for different people, and no two people may experience all phases and many may skip most phases all together.
Warning:: THERE ARE LEMONS IN THIS CHAPTER. BIG TIME. If this isn't for you, then please don't read this chapter. We already know that James abuses Jasper, but we also know that Jasper is in love with his husband in spite of this. In this chapter we will see James as the honeymooner. This is necessary so you can get a glimpse of this part of the abuse cycle and why most victims choose to stay. Often times the abuser will woo his/her victim and make them feel that in spite of the constant abuse, they are loved and needed. They will often do this to keep the victim from leaving them. I couldn't write a viable abuse story without including this pertinent stage of the cycle. It is very necessary, but hold on…(keep reading to find out what happens).
Warning: This story is intended for an adult MA audience only. Contains crude language, adult content, adult related themes, sexual relationship between two men: SLASH. If this is not for you, please don't read. If you are under 18 stop reading now!
Jasper's POV
I finally made it home and headed straight for the kitchen. Since I kept our house immaculate—James wouldn't have it any other way—I didn't have to worry with cleaning. I'd taken extra care in cleaning the house yesterday because I wanted it to be sparkling when James got home to make it easier to ask him about going out with the fellows. Thank God because I was running short on time and wouldn't have been able to clean before my husband walked through that door.
The house sprawled across several acres of wooded land. We had a few neighbors but they were not close enough to be bothersome. We lived in relative peace. We had a spectacular view of the river, which gave me more serenity than I could say grace over. It was a modern, spacious home. James, with all of his meticulousness, designed every inch of it. He had the final say in everything from the fixtures to the damn plates. I had no voice whatsoever. I just fucking lived here. To him, I was just part of the house. A shiny possession.
There was state of the art flooring, cabinetry, granite and marble everywhere, custom leather…you name it…the prince had it in his home. I was the golden love child that capped it all off. He could do whatever he wanted to do with me. I was just a mere object in this fucking museum. James craved elegant and flashy elements in his home, yet claimed he liked to keep things simple. He was so OCD and demanded that the housed be cleaned every day. He gave me a daily chore list. He made me check that list off and give it to him at night when he came home. If I slacked off, there was pure hell to pay.
I knew everyone was right. I had to find a way. It was only a matter of time before I made my move, but I just didn't know how to. I had to make a plan. I turned the faucet off and started sobbing openly and loudly. I was so lonely in this house. I had no friends and I rarely spoke to my family. I was depressed and at times had experienced suicidal thoughts. I felt like a loser, desolate, and rejected. I felt used and abused. I couldn't stand it here. I hated everything this house reminded me of.
I tried to control my crying but I couldn't. The dam finally broke and I just let go. I sank to the kitchen floor and cried my heart out into the marble. I wanted to be loved. I needed to be loved. Meeting the Cullens today, mainly Edward, sparked something in me. It made me see that there was more to life than James. There were guys out there who were attracted to me, despite James telling me that no one would ever want me but him. Even Fred had noticed.
Edward Cullen was a vision—a dream that I could never attain. He was brilliant no doubt. Hell he was attending UW and his folks were medical geniuses. Fred was right. He was from good stock. The Cullens were good people. More importantly they didn't look at me like I was James' trash. I was a person…and in Edward's eyes, a person to be desired. He looked upon me with desire in his eyes. I imagined that he too was wondering what it would be like to be with me…and not just physically- but in every way that mattered.
I pulled myself together and quickly prepared James' dinner. When I had it simmering, I took care to clean up my mess, and take out the garbage—James hated garbage in the house. I checked the fridge to make sure there was no "ass whipping" trigger food in there. Forgetting that I'd clean the house twice yesterday, I did a spot check of each room. I couldn't help it. I didn't feel like getting my ass beat tonight.
I ran upstairs to take a shower and get out of my old clothes and into something presentable for my husband when he got home. I made sure I hid the samples of medication that Dr. Cullen gave me along with the business card. I had also memorized Kate's number. I took a couple of the pills and hid my stash in a place I knew James would never think to look. I checked my hair and ran back downstairs to set the table. James would be very upset if he came home and no food was on the table. I had to time it just right though because he went berserk if his food was lukewarm or cold.
I put the dishes on the table, and resisted the urge to pee on his plate, and set the glasses out. I prepared the wine and everything was ready to go. As soon I could hear him coming down the drive, I would put the food on the table. I made sure I wasn't sweating, James hated to touch me if I was sweaty unless he was pounding me senseless. It was a turn on to him then.
My heart rate accelerated as I heard James car turn into the drive. I hurriedly, yet calmly put the food out and took a moment to wipe my face with a damp cloth I'd brought down from upstairs. I made sure I carried the cloth to laundry room. James would freak out if he saw it lying around. I walked back to kitchen so I could greet him at the kitchen door when he came in. He expected me to be dressed to the hilt and of course going commando. I knew better than to have a hair out of place and I had better have an erection waiting in anticipation of him. He forbade me to jack off during the day, citing that it made me unable to meet his needs at night.
I need an erection…quick! I started stroking myself through my jeans but it was no use. Come on Jasper, don't panic. Just don't think about James. I was having a hard time getting hard with James on my mind, so I thought about the one person who seemed to have been doing a good job at helping me get there earlier…Edward Cullen. I swiftly conjured up every illicit, dirty thought I could muster about him and me together and instantly I was so hard that I had to fight the urge to cum in my pants.
Let James think he caused this. Serves that bastard right.
I had our evening routine down packed. It had taken me two years to get it right, but I finally did it. I could recite this torture with my eyes closed. I had to for my own survival. No one could help me but me. Not my parents…not my sister…my friends…only me. If I was going to survive from day to day, I had to get this right every day.
James was intolerant of laziness. A soft dick when he walked through that door meant that I was lazy and I would find my face plastered somewhere in this house. I kept thinking about how beautiful Edward was, his voice, the fact that he thought I was hot… He was all over my mind and I was so grateful I'd run into him today. Thinking about the fact that he'd subtly let me know that he was a top nearly made me cream my pants.
Ughn…God help me! I need release. I can only hope that James will have mercy on me tonight and not make me wait while he draws his out.
I opened the garage door when I saw him and put on my best happy face. I took his briefcase out of his hand. Despite the fact that he'd busted my ass good fashioned this morning, and that I could hardly move because of the pain, I allowed him to kiss me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and did not resist when he pulled my hips to his, rubbing our erections together. This chore disgusted me so I rewound my Jasper-Edward bedroom romp in my head, and willed myself not to moan his name out loud. James broke the kiss first.
The thought of what he did to me that morning made me want to puke all over him, not to mention my dick wanting to go soft again. He reached down and palmed my rock hard cock. He moaned.
"Just the way I like you. Nice and hard for me." He took a few moments to examine my appearance, a snide smirk on his face. I was definitely one of his trinkets to be displayed and shown off. That's what he normally did when we went out. He treated like I was the finest item on the menu.
"You look nice, baby. Love the jeans." His voice was husky with arousal.
"I'm glad you like." I said sheepishly as he unfastened my pants and an unzipped me. He stroked me and though his touch gave me chills, I had to admit it did offer me momentary relief. He pulled off me and bent me over the end of the kitchen table that didn't have anything on it.
Please don't let that food get cold. Please.
He yanked my jeans down and had full access to my ass. "So sweet, babe." He huffed, his voice laden with lust. "Nice, sweet ass. Ripe and sexy for me." I heard him unzip his trousers.
"Aren't you hungry, love?" I asked as he grabbed and squeezed my ass. I was seriously hoping that food wasn't getting cold.
"Oh yeah." That was all he said as he spread my ass. "Starving."
"I made your dinner. Don't you want to eat before its gets cold." God if you love me, please keep that food hot.
"I can eat as soon as this hunger I'm feeling now is satisfied." He ran his finger tauntingly over my opening. "God, Jasper. I got to get a piece of this. Ungh! Look at that shit…open and waiting for me." He reached around in front of me to make sure I was still hard for him. He was checking to make sure he was able to get me up. If he only knew it wasn't him that was keeping me hard.
Edward…Edward…Edward…that was my mantra.
James and I didn't use condoms since we were married and were exclusive. James might have been abusive, but I had never known him to cheat on me. He was too fucked up to do that. He wanted to make sure he had control over one man…me! Nevertheless, he wore a condom when we had sex in the kitchen. He said it was filthy.
"Where's the oil?" His voice was thick and borderline nauseating. I handed him the travel size bottle that I had in my front shirt pocket and he busied himself with preparing me. He only prepared me when he wanted to apologize for beating my ass. Most other times he just went for the gusto.
Once I was ready, he spread my ass wide open for him again and placed his shaft at my entrance. He growled as he filled me to the hilt. He gave me time to adjust to him and then started thrusting his dick in and out of my ass.
"Ungh…so fucking tight." He growled again. He was holding my hips as he bucked profusely. My bruises protested against all the friction, but he was relentless. I was his little fuck toy and dammit he intended to play with me until I broke…or exploded whichever came first.
I braced myself on the kitchen table and kept Edward Cullen plastered to the forefront of my brain. I felt guilty for involving him in something that I normally considered a degrading and brute act with James, but he was my only salvation. I needed Edward Cullen, a complete stranger, more than anything right then.
"James, honey, can I stroke myself. Please?" I was so appalled with myself right then. I was a grown man having to ask for permission to pleasure myself, but I needed release. I couldn't help it. It was a natural reaction to all of this sexual stimulation. Besides, James kept hitting my prostate and even though I didn't want to admit it, it felt good. It mostly felt good to be wanted.
"Sure…babe…what…ever…you…need." He was pounding away back there and I was sure he would come before I got a chance to, which would mean that I would not be allowed to finish. I was grateful that I'd quickly slipped on a condom while James was preparing me. He couldn't stand when I ejaculated on the floor in the kitchen not to mention it would have created more mess for me to clean up.
He sped up and plunged his cock deeper into me, repeatedly hitting my prostate. I felt guilty. I shouldn't have felt pleasure nor did I want to but, it felt so good and thinking about that Cullen gem was about to send me raging mad. James had a tight hold on my hips as he neared his finish line.
"Jasper, you're so…fucking…sexy…ugh…your...ass...is…so…damn…tighhhht…ughn…you're going to make…me…come…" His breathing was erratic. I felt him tighten inside me as he buried his cock deep inside my ass. Thinking about Edward topping me was just too much. The thought of the man on top of me made me bust a nut faster than I ever had. James would be pissed if he knew I'd come before him. He liked for us to come together.
"Fuucck." That was his release and I timed my fake orgasm with his so he wouldn't know I was cheating on him in my mind with a stranger, and that I'd already been mentally pleasured by a man who didn't even know me.
I turned around and removed his condom and dropped to my knees and licked him clean. I threw both of our condoms in the trash and excused myself to the bathroom to wash my hands and clean myself.
When I came back out, James was seated at the head of the table as always. Thankfully the food temperature was okay and the wine hadn't warmed too much. James seemed content and well pleased with the meal. He commented several times on how good he thought it was. He never once apologized for his actions against me this morning.
As I was clearing the dinner dishes and serving him his desert, he gave me a wicked smiled and asked how my day was. I told him I got up and did my chores like the good boy I was, went to the store, came home and cooked. He'd informed me that he got busy at work and couldn't call me today. I secretly thanked the stars for aligning in my favor.
"I missed you today, Jasper. I couldn't help thinking of you." He pulled me to his lap as I put the last of his dessert in his mouth. "You're mine. He pulled my head down so he could kiss me. Fred's words came flooding back to me. I was his possession and he'd made me exclusively his. There was no room whatsoever for anyone or anything else. My life sucked.
I pulled the receipt out of my pocket for the groceries I'd bought and handed it to James. He looked over it and seemed satisfied. James' might have previously entertained the possibility of having children with me, but right then I was his child. I was just a fucking obedient servant. I had to find a way to end this nightmare. I looked down in his blue eyes and saw nothing in them for me but a future of pain and sadness. I just had to get away. Somehow, deep inside of him, he must have sensed this because his next words shocked the hell out of me.
"Let's go to bed, sweetheart. Leave the dishes. I'll take care of them tonight. I want to take care of you for a while."
W-what…what…in…the…hell?
He laughed out loud at my expression as if he completely read the confusion in my mind. "Oh, Jasper. You're so funny." My eyes were wide and my mouth formed an "O" shape. He kept laughing. "You're too much. You are tired aren't you?"
I simply nodded confused as all get out.
He picked me up and wrapped my legs and arms around him as he carried me upstairs. I was a featherweight in his arms. It was almost nine and I was grateful for the invitation to go to bed early. Once upstairs, he laid me on the bed, and then drew me a hot bath.
What in the hell is going on? This man beat the shit out of me this morning, now this? Is he setting me up for the kill? Oh no! He's tricking me. He wants me to think he's being nice, and then he's going to pull away from me and beat me for something. I gotta get out of here. I'll just tell him I want to do something for him. I will distract him with a blow job or something…anything to get his mind off hurting me again.
He walked back into our bedroom and laughed when he registered the look on my face. He gently pushed me back on the bed when he saw me trying to protest. He gingerly undressed me, taking time to tell me how sexy I was and then he carried me to the tub and put me in.
"This will help with the bruises." He promised.
What about the ones inside?
I didn't say a word, but looked at him like he was a four headed alien. He winked at me and started bathing me, taking care not to press on my bruises.
"I don't like hurting you, honey, but sometimes your behavior is so juvenile and uncontrolled. You're better than that. I expect more from you."
Is this your weak excuse of an apology? Just shut the hell up and let me enjoy the apology you just ran in this tub.
I nodded. "I'm sorry."
"You'll get better, Jasper. Before long you'll be everything I need and want you to be. You're far from perfect, but you'll do for now. I know it's rough, but I have to do things to you to get you to that point. It's my job to teach you how to be a man…mainly my man…not my boy. Understand?"
I nodded again. "I'll do whatever you want me to do."
There was that satisfied smirk again. "Good boy. Now stop doing things to provoke me. I don't want to have to whip you again. You don't want that do you?"
"No." I mumbled humbly.
He made a tsk-tsk sound with his tongue, and gave me a light slap on my face, almost playful but not hurtful. "Now, now Jasper. Is that how you answer-"
I interrupted with a quick, "I mean, no Sir."
He smiled devilishly and washed my chest. "That's better."
I stared at him blankly. My own father, who was exactly the same age as James, had never treated me like this. This was debasing. It was challenging keeping my face sweet and innocent. He left me to my bath and went to clean the kitchen. He came back into the room shortly after with the bottle of wine and two glasses. We drank and then he held me in his arms until I went to sleep thinking of life apart from him.
The next morning I was grateful I'd remembered to set my clock so that I could wake up before James. I had to remember to set the volume loud enough for me to hear but low enough not to wake up James. Not that it mattered any way. I always had to wake him up in the mornings by giving him a blow job. Since he went to bed nude, it was easy to take care of this first chore on my honey do list.
James wasn't that big and it was easy for me to take all of him in my mouth. He immediately stirred when I started and reached down to fist my hair. He started guiding the motion by pulling and releasing my head, encouraging me to take him deeper. I swear I hated doing this to him. At one time in our relationship, I thoroughly enjoyed pleasuring him but now it was just another mundane activity to make him happy. There was certainly nothing in it for me.
"Uhn, Jazzy that feels good. Don't stop that."
I sped up my ministrations, sucking harder so that this torture could hurry up and end. I let him slip from my mouth and started stroking his pole. He didn't seem to mind and I knew that it wouldn't be long before this chore could be marked off the list for the day. I felt his muscles grow tight and with his pleas for me to take him in mouth again, I let his rod sink down my throat again which was still swollen and red from all the extra activities. His breath was caught in his throat as he looked down to watch me.
"Jazzy…don't…stop." He pleaded. I used to find that so damn hot, but now it was repulsive.
I kept going. He dropped his head back on the pillow, "Hoh, Jazzy…oh my god!" I sucked him until he exploded in my mouth. I knew better than to waste a drop. He continued to blow out in my mouth. I sucked at a slower pace until he was completely spent.
"Fucking beautiful, Jazzy. The things that tongue and mouth of yours do to me." When he'd somewhat recovered, he got up and went to the bathroom leaving me hard and rejected. I fought the urge to cry at his selfishness. This wasn't new to me. He always left me hanging, literally.
I pulled myself together, too scared to sneak and jack off…there would be time to do that when James left for work even though he didn't like for me to. I went downstairs to the kitchen and prepared his breakfast. He didn't eat much at one meal, so it didn't take long. I set his food on the table, and went outside to retrieve the morning paper.
The crisp morning air was refreshing. I loved being outside. It gave me a sense of freedom. I hurried and got the paper so I could be back inside before the prince came down. I made it back to the house just as he was sitting down at the table. He didn't speak to me as he ate and read. I took a seat in one of the empty chairs and counted the hairs on my arms.
"So, Jasper. I was thinking that maybe you and I could take a little trip this weekend." His voice cut through the air, and interfered with my mental departure from this agony.
I snapped my head up so I could look at him. He was staring at me, his gaze intense and soft at the same time.
"A trip?" I asked seriously wondering if he was planning to take me somewhere so that he could kill me or something.
He smiled. "Yes…Jasper…a trip."
Still not knowing what to make of this, I treaded lightly. "To where?"
He chuckled and folded his newspaper. "Jasper, I should be offended by your skepticism. What's wrong? You don't trust me?"
Hell no!
I definitely had to right this before he truly became upset. I knew he was trying to sound like he was teasing me, but he was serious, almost giving me a warning. I got up and went over to him to sit in his lap. He scooted his chair back a little to accommodate me. I felt him grow hard at the sensation of my ass sitting on his cock.
"No, sweetheart, I didn't mean it like that. I was just curious as to why you want to take a trip in the middle of the week. I know you have to work and all. That's all I meant." I reassured him and wrapped my arm around his neck for emphasis.
He stared up at me and for a moment I almost forgot that he was the villain.
Oh god! I'm so confused. One minute I want him to touch me…to love me and the next I want to vomit just from the thought of being on the same planet with him.
"Well, I wasn't thinking about that kind of trip, Jasper." Okay so now I was really worried.
What the hell is he thinking?
I squirmed nervously on his lap causing him to grasp my hip tighter, fastening me in place. I discontinued my resistance.
"Um…You mean like a day trip to Port Angeles?"
He gently massaged my hip with his thumb. "Actually Jasper I was thinking that we could go to Seattle." He was dragging this out much to my chagrin.
Was he really considering…? "Seattle?" I asked my eyes widening.
He brought his hand to the front of my pajamas and massaged my now flaccid cock.
"Yeah. I was thinking we could go visit your parents." He didn't break eye contact with me as he waited for me to respond.
"Really?" It was hard to contain my excitement.
"Yes, really. I was thinking we could go Friday. I was thinking about taking the day off Friday and then we could drive there and visit them for the weekend."
This was a dream come true. There was no way he could be fucking serious. This had to be a ploy, a cruel joke. This had to be some devious scheme to get my hopes up then crush me as he had so many times before.
I was scared to smile or show any emotion for the fact. "James, baby, you have no idea how much I would like that."
He gave me a small smile. "I know you would. You haven't seen them in a while, and I was thinking that we could go…if you want to."
I was exuberant. "James of course…of course I want to go." The truth of the matter was that I could have cared less if he came with me or not, but I wasn't about to let that out of the bag. "More than you know."
He continued to rub my length that was now standing at attention. "Good. Then it's a date."
I leaned down to kiss him and for that moment all anger towards him was gone. I pulled back. 'Thank you, baby. I love you."
He continued to stare at me. "Hmm." He put his hands inside my pajamas and started stroking me faster and harder.
"That feels really good." I closed my eyes to relish in this rare pleasure he was giving me. "So good."
"You're beautiful Jasper." He whispered.
"Thank you."
"You're mine…only mine…don't you ever forget that." I focused on what he was doing to me so that I could push Dr. Cullen and Fred's words out of my head. I couldn't let his possessiveness ruin this rare moment for me.
His ministrations were indescribable. "Ungh James your hand feels g…good…right there." I moaned as he stroked the ultra-sensitive head of my cock. I felt the tightening in my lower abdomen and I knew I was about to come. James hated when I came in his hand. He preferred that I came in the toilet or a trash can or even in a condom but definitely not in his hand.
"I'm about to cum." I panted. "James…" I didn't want to come but I could hardly stand it. I certainly didn't want to get punished for making a mess. He was bringing me to the brink of orgasm and I was losing control fast.
"If you don't stop, I'm not going to be able to stop." I begged him fully aware I would pay the piper if I screwed this up. "Please, baby. Please let me put on a condom so I can come."
He stopped abruptly. "Stand up Jasper."
I instantly obeyed overcome by the throbbing in my steel rod. I moved to get the condom that I had in my pocket. I had come to learn to keep a packet of lube and condoms on me at all times.
"Don't move." He ordered, but continued his stroking. "Does that feel good Jasper?" He asked this time not smiling at all.
I was confused. "Y-yes. That feels real good." I moaned when he slid my pants down to my knees. To my utter shock, he dropped to his knees in front of me. I stretched my eyes and mouth as shock took over me. I couldn't find my breath when he took me in his mouth.
What the? He hasn't done this in months! What is going on? First that beat down yesterday morning, then the romp in the kitchen yesterday, then he cleaned the kitchen and ran me a bath…was this man trying to send me to the nut house? I was bewildered, not knowing how to process this change in his behavior.
He moved a hand over my lean abdomen, then with the other he reached for my sac, and gently massaged my balls. I was so caught up in what he was doing to me that I could do nothing but lace my fingers through his blonde hair. It had been a long time since he took care of me like this. He used to do this all the time when we were dating, and even when we first married. Then he'd stopped.
"James…you don't… ungh…" I groaned again. "You don't know…"
He released me with a pop sending me reeling in a mix of pleasure and confusion. He lifted my dick and then started lapping at my balls.
"Oh, god. Hoh…" Why is he doing this? Why is he being so nice to me? First offering to take me to see my family, now this? Something has to be up.
"James…" I was about to blow and I didn't want to spray his face for fear he would backhand me into next year. "I'm gonna cum."
Oh man…this feels so fucking good. Oh God! I'm not going to be able to stop and he's going to hurt me. He'll never do this to me again if I mess this up. God please don't let me mess this up!
"I'm gonna cum now." I panted.
He sucked me in deep again and pull off just a little so that my head, my most sensitive spot, was in his mouth. Thankfully, he didn't delay my climax further and he took all nine inches of me in his mouth. I immediately fill his mouth with my cream.
"Huhhh….oh god…Jamessss…unnngh…yesss…." I was completely lost in the intensity of my climax. Tears fell from my eyes. I was in heaven and hell at the same time. On one hand I was out of my mind from the pleasure he gave me. On the other hand, I was afraid that he was going to whip me now for coming in his mouth.
He kept sucking until I was completely spent. My cock softened and my breath was heavy and rapid as I slowly began my descent back to earth. When I looked down, he was lapping up every single drop.
He's the servant and I'm in control. He does my bidding. He's at my service…my beck and call. He does what the fuck I tell him to do. That's final. He's my bitch…a bitch on his knees pleasuring me.
I came to my senses. I immediately started trembling. I didn't want to be punished and I felt brave enough to tell him. "I'm sorry. I didn't…I couldn't stop. Please don't be mad. Please. I-I don't want to be in trouble." I sounded like a three-year old kid begging not to get a spanking from his daddy.
He smirked. "Jasper, please. I wanted you to. I would have stopped you if I didn't want to go that far." He laughed at me again when he saw my expression. "Oh, Jasper."
I didn't know what to make of this. These were things he used to do to me when we first met. Now he was all of a sudden doing them again, after all these months! I was never going to figure this man out.
I'm so confused.
He stood up, smiling at me. He gently stroked my cheeks, mouth, and chin with his thumb. Admittedly, he was beautiful, almost angelic this morning.
Did he slip something in that bath water last night? Or better yet did he know about my activities yesterday and somehow was feeling guilty about beating my ass? Maybe he thinks I'm going to leave him and he's being nice so I will stay with him? Maybe he's jealous…Oh what if he saw me with Edward yesterday. What if someone told him they saw me…even worse what if I was talking in my sleep and Edward's name came out of my mouth. This shit is all so fucking jacked-up, but that was best blow job I've had in a long time!
I heard him chuckle. My face must have mirrored everything I was thinking. "Relax, babe." He smirked. "That good, huh."
I gave him a little confused smile. "Yeah…that good."
"I'm glad. You're mine, Jasper. It's my job to take care of you." The way he said that was eerie and sent chills down my spine. He inched closer to me, pressing his semi-hard erection into my now flaccid one. He leaned in and kissed my lips. "Mine." He pulled away and looked me in my eyes. "Understand?"
I nodded my head rapidly but didn't speak. His eyes darkened a shade, and looked like blue ocean water. They were so possessive.
"Good, boy." He patted the side of my head like I was some kind of lap puppy. "You love me?"
"Of course I do, baby. You know that." I knew by now this was a loaded question. If I answered the wrong way, I could be in deep shit with him. The truth was I'd come to the conclusion that I James was my first love and my first lover, and a part of me would always love him I guess, but I wasn't in love with him anymore...not after the things he did to me.
"W-what about you? D-do you still love me?" I shrunk away from him because I was a little bit afraid that he would slap me for questioning him like that. For the second time this morning, he surprised me.
He smirked again. "Look around you Jasper. Don't I provide all of your needs?"
"Yes."
"Don't I buy you whatever you want?" Well…not everything…a car would be nice.
"Yes."
"Don't you eat and sleep whenever you want? You've traveled to places that most people only glimpse in magazines. You enjoy many comforts, Jasper, and you ask me if I still love you?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound ungrateful. I know you're a good provider and you take excellent care of me. Please forgive me." I apologized even though I didn't feel I should have. The bottom line was he did do all of those things, but he wasn't in love with me. There was no way he could be and hurt me the way did.
"It's okay Jasper, you're just young. That's a good thing for me…nothing like a strong and healthy man under me at night." He laughed. "I have to get out of here." He turned and walked out of the room towards the living room, leaving me standing there baffled. He'd just given me one of the best orgasms I've had in a long time, and now he was insulting me? I just didn't understand. For the life of me, I couldn't stop the tears. He hurt my feelings.
He walked back into the kitchen fully dressed. He saw that I was crying, and didn't take his eyes off of me as he straightened the collar of his five-thousand dollar suit. He walked over to me.
"Why are you crying Jasper?" He asked almost impatiently. "Didn't you just have a good time?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Then what is it now?" He scurried about, gathering his belongings.
"Nothing." My voice was mousy. "I'm sorry."
He walked over and stood in front of me. "I swear it's always something with you, Jazz." He kissed me quickly on my lips. "You want me to tell you that I love you? You really need that?"
I nodded and more tears fell from my eyes. He reached up and wiped them away. "Listen, Jasper. I know that sometimes I'm a little rough with you…"
A little?
"…but that doesn't mean I don't love you."
You sure got a strange way of showing it.
"You know I love you, Jazz. You've always been my boy. Now…I have to get out of here. Don't worry about making dinner, babe. I'm taking you out tonight…so I want you ready at six. I will pick you up then."
I nodded my consent. He prepared to leave.
"Thank you, James, and I'm sorry for being so selfish." I barely whispered the words.
"Thanks for what, babe?" He asked looking around for his keys. I handed them to him.
"For taking care of me." I dropped my eyes shyly.
"No problem, Jazz. I'll see you tonight." He pulled me in for a goodbye kiss.
That never happens? Who is this man?
"See you tonight." I waved as he pulled away and left.
When I heard his car leave, I went out onto the balcony to stare at the river. I replayed all of the events that happened since James came home in my head. I couldn't understand any of it. It was as if he was acting like a…like real husband again. He was a totally different man last night. What inspired the change? Did he really feel guilty for "handling me a little rough" as he put it? In some of the research I'd done about domestic violence, I'd read about abusers doing stuff like this in what they called the 'honeymoon' phase. He didn't do all the groveling and apologizing, but he did make an effort to be extra nice…his way of apologizing for what he'd been doing to me.
I was trying desperately to justify James' behavior towards me. Was this what this was? A phase? Would he just start back abusing me again after all this wore off? I mean the way he cared for me last night and this morning, that really made me feel guilty for ever wanting to leave him. I always knew James was innately good…wasn't he? He had to be. He just had to be! He wouldn't have treated me the way he did this morning if he didn't love me. He wasn't all bad. Bad people aren't capable of loving someone like that. The James I saw this morning was the man I fell in love with from the beginning. Something was making him do bad things.
Did James really love me? Ugh I don't know what to expect or believe anymore. Could I really find the strength and courage to leave before he really hurt me or worse? Oh God help me sort out this mess. Please!
James was my husband. I made vows for better or worse. I couldn't abandon him when he was having a hard time. I could stay and encouraging him to get help then things would be right between us again. No matter how long he's been abusing me...it's just not that easy or simple for me to walk away from my marriage.
He's just sick Jasper...he needs you to be strong when he is weak...I just don't know what to do.
I felt guilty for having thoughts about Edward and fantasizing about him during our lovemaking. I knew everyone meant well, but I pushed them and Edward out of my head. I tried to focus on seeing my family because my mind was an emotional mess and was overcome with doubt and ambiguity.
A/N: I agree with Jasper. I'm confused. James surprised the hell out of me when I wrote his character. I had a client that this actually happened to. This chapter was inspired by his personal story. His partner was abusing him and he would come home and have sex with him and then make him feel like he was the most important man alive. He would bribe him into staying with him by being nice and doing nice things for him. He did tell me that he felt that his husband loved and hated him all at the same time. He told me that in spite of the abuse and fear he lived in daily, he loved his husband more than anything. My friend was nearly killed by his spouse before he finally left. I was glad that Jasper was able to benefit from this, but he was on to something…it's just a phase.
To all of my readers who don't like angst etc, I have to tell you now that future chapters will contain some depictions of Jasper's abusive situation. I will try to write them with finesse and keep them true to reality, but that is the very ugly and real part of abuse. The good news is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Jasper's situation is so real to so many people. I will try to give ample warnings before the chapters in author notes so that you can skip over reading those if they bother you too much. This is real people and I want you all to seriously consider what I have been asking you to do. Please get involved. Thank you.
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