"It's very possible and very okay to forgive someone and still not want to spend time with them"
― Karen Salmansohn
Present Day
Beck
"Uh…hi guys, long time no see…Nice to see that you two haven't changed."
I can't fucking believe it. Of course they would still be fucking together. Why did I even fucking care what was going on with her?
I look at them…they're so close together, she's holding on to him for dear life, looking at him as if he is her entire world, her whole life depends on him and solely on him. I'm just a fucking interuption.
Jade narrows her eyes and looks at me directly.
"What do you mean by that?" Her voice is hard and unforgiving.
"Jade, are you okay? You seemed like you were having a panic attack, did something happen?" Jalisia comes from behind me, her eyes darting between Jade and I.
"Yea, Jay, I'm fine. I just thought that I saw a ghost is all. But it was nothing." That stings. She hasn't taken her eyes off me since. Her lips are in a tight line, as though she's restraining herself from saying more.
I scoff and angrily run my hand through my hair. What a fucking mess this is…
"Clearly, you're not fine. You ran off stage like you saw a serial killer from your past who's still out to get you." Jalisia says sternly. "I need some answers, you two clearly know each other and I'm about ready to wash my hands of both of you."
"We all went to school together, Hollywood Arts in L.A. We all were really close friends and Beck and Jade actually dated for most of the time while we were in school. They had a really bad break up and I was caught in the middle of it." Andre offers Jalisia. The fucking nerve of this guy.
"Yea, way to absolve yourself of all blame." I bit out at him, with more bitterness than I wanted to.
"Absolve myself of any blame? Blame for you and Jade breaking up? Nah, I might have broken bro code, but I'm not to blame for the way things ended with you guys."
"Do we have to talk about this here? Now?" Jade exasperates, looking between me and Andre.
"So you don't think that having sex with my girlfriend constitutes breaking us up?" I ask Andre.
"Yo, what the fuck?!" Jalisia's eyes widened as she looked from Andre to Jade. Jade closes her eyes and looks away. She looks like she's about to fall apart all over again.
"Man what the fuck is your problem?" Andre says, stepping up to me. I step closer to him. All of this frustration, rage, anger and sadness that I have been feeling for the past 3 years are surging up.
"You're my fucking problem. You've been avoiding me all of this fucking time and when we finally see eachother, you make it seems like I made it all up."
"God, fuck this, I'm leaving." Jade says, and tries to brush past me. I grab her shoulder, and I can feel her muscles tensing up. "Let go of me if you plan on keeping that hand." She threatens, her voice low.
"Jade…we need to talk."
"What is there to talk about," she says so low that only I can hear her. "I fucked your bestfriend and now you're fucking mine. We're even." She shrugs me off and she continues walking, through the door, into the loud, raucous kitchen.
"Hey, you can't be in here!" Someone yells at her. But she ignores them and keeps walking.
"Christ, Jade! Hold on!" Andre calls after her, pushing past me to go after her.
"Beck, we need to talk." I turn to face Jalisia, who looks the exact opposite of happy. Her hazel eyes have darkened and are hard. Her jaw is set tightly, and her arms are folded tight across her chest.
Fuck.
"I'm sorry about all of this."
"Is it true? Were you in a relationship with Jade?" She is masking her emotions, however, I can still see the anger very clearly in her eyes.
"Yes, Jade and I dated. In highschool. That was over 3 years ago."
"I'm guessing things didn't end well?" she says as more of a statement than a question.
"No, they didn't. Look, I'm really sorry about tonight. I had no idea that you even knew them. I didn't even know that Jade would even be in New York. Why is she in New York?"
"She lives here with her dad. Listen, I have to go check on my girl. I really, really like you Beck, but Jade is my friend. My best friend…I'm not sure that I can do…whatever it is we were doing…with you…"
"Jalisia…I…" My words failed me. I don't know what to say or to proceed. I don't want to let go of this thing that I have with her…but…
She leans up on her tiptoes and gives me a chaste kiss on the cheek, before leaving me alone in search of Jade.
What the fuck just happened?
.
.
.
Jade
"Jade…Jade…JADE!" I ignore Andre as I force my way through the ever crowding bar. My mind is a complete and utter mess. I am heartbroken. Heartbroken that Jay is with Beck. Heartbroken that Beck is with Jay. Heartbroken that he still holds anger and resentment for what happened all those years ago. Anger at myself for being stupid enough to think that after what I did, after all of these years that he wouldn't still hate me for it. Anger at myself for ever dragging Andre into this mess and bullshit. Resentment for Jay holding on to Beck's hand and kissing him like he's hers!
But why wouldn't she? Why wouldn't he be hers? He definitely isn't mine.
I make it outside to the front of the bar and I look around. I don't know what to do or where to go. I only feel like going somewhere dark and secluded and just crying.
"Jade…" Andre catches up to me and pulls me around to look at him. "Hey…are you okay?" I can't meet his eyes.
"Yea, I'm fine. Look Andre, I'm really, really sorry. I didn't mean to fuck all this up. I…I don't understand how any of this even fucking happened…"
"Hey, hey, it's cool. No need to stress even more about this. Let's just get out of here, alright? Where do you want to go?"
"I would say Hell, but I'm already here and it's actually a lot chillier than I expected," he cracks a smile and I can feel some of the pressure in my chest dissipating. "No, really, I think I would rather just go home right now."
"Okay, let's go."
.
.
.
I jolt awake from sleep to the sound of my phone alarm going off. I shift as I reach for the phone and groggily take note of the 5:15 am time. I have to get up and get ready for work.
Ugh, do I even want to go? Jalisia will be there and I'm not sure how I feel about everything. I look at the floor of my bedroom and see Andre sprawled out, a mass of blankets, pillows and hair.
We stayed up all night talking about Beck and Me and him and high school and everything. It wasn't a very productive conversation but it did put some things in perspective.
I smile as I look at him. I'm so happy that we reconnected and that he doesn't totally hate me. I really missed him.
My second alarm sounds off, letting me know that I have been in my head for too long. I begrudgingly swing my feet to the side of my bed and quietly make my way to my attached bathroom, phone in hand.
I get the shower ready and steam and warmth fills up the room. I lean against my sink counter and check my messages. I see that I have several from Jalisia. I pause, my thumb hovering over her name. I'm not sure if I want to know what she has to say…
My mind and heart is a complete mess. I can't believe that I saw Beck last night.
It's even more unbelievable that he is with Jay. Why is this shitty soup my life?
And my call back. That is right around the corner and I need to do great with that. This is so fucked. I had always thought that if I did get a part, that I would move in with Jay. It would make so much more sense to not have to travel 3 hours to and from Manhattan. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?
I put my phone down. I can't right now. I feel the familiar grips of anxiety closing in on my heart, squeezing it of life. I can barely breathe. Why is this happening? Why why why why…
I quickly strip myself of my clothing and climb in the the shower, the water scalding my skin and turning it a painful red. The pain from the water hitting my skin makes jolts me out of my mind and I focus on nothing but that. I take a few deep breaths and I feel calmness settling over me.
Sitting and stewing isn't going to help me. Stressing and crying isn't going to help me.
"You're a big girl Jade." I tell myself, closing my eyes tight against the tears that threatens to fall. "You're a big girl Jade. You don't get to cry about a mess you made. Be a big girl Jade." I don't want to be a big girl. I want to cry. I want to fall apart. I want my mom to make everything better.
"Be a big girl Jade." I tell myself finally.
The tears that threaten me are gone.
After I am fully clean and scrubbed raw, I exit the shower and wrap myself in a warm fluffy towel. I grab my phone and sit on top of the closed toilet lid. I have to wipe the condensation off my phone with my towel and I unlock it.
I take another deep, calming breath before I find Jay's number and call her.
You're a big girl Jade.
"Hello? Jade? Jesus Christ, you stupid fucking bitch, you had me worried. Are you okay?"
"I'm…I'm not good, but I'm good, you know?"
"Now is not the time to be an enigmatic, manic pixie dream girl."
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah…I do. Listen. I didn't know that you knew him, let alone, have this huge, fucked up history with him."
"Unless you are some impressive type of psychotic, how could you have possibly known that?"
"Yea, you must just have some shitty kama, because that was a really strange situation, that was specifically designed to fuck with you because what the actual fucking hell? What God did you piss on?"
"I would actually love to know, so that I can do it again, immediately." I hear her laugh on the other end and I softly chuckle. It is such a relief that we can still do this. That things aren't ruined between the two of us.
"It's a real shame though. That boy is fine as hell." A slight bolt of panic surges through me, but it melts aways as quickly as it came. "It should go without saying, but things are done between us.I ended it right after you left."
"Jay…" I don't know what to say.
"It's fine. There will be other sexy movie stars to blow my back out. You know I am a hot commodity."
"Jay, no, it was more than just sex between you two. You really liked him." What the fuck am I saying? Why did I just say that?
"Yea well…I love you more and I won't ever do something like that to you."
"No, don't worry about me. I feel like it's worth exploring what you two have going on. I'll be fine. I promise." No the absolute fuck I won't. Why did I say that? Why am I saying this? Shut up Jade. Shut the fuck up Jade.
"That's all very sweet and kind Saint Jade, but back down here on Earth where you seem to have left, shit like that is very messy and complicated. I don't do anything messy and complicated. Besides, its fine. I'll be a lot more okay from letting go of a hot piece of ass than you will be from me dating said piece of ass."
"What Beck and I had was fun. But we were kids. Does that even really count? We were in highschool, we weren't fully formed beings, we didn't have responsibilities of anything like that. It wasn't the real world, so it wasn't real. What you guys have, that's real." I did not just say that.
I close my eyes to shield myself from the sheer fucking stupidity that I just displayed. I need to hang up the phone because I give myself more rope to hang with.
"Last night seemed pretty fucking real to me."
"Last night you saw two people throwing a tantrum over petty nonsense. I promise, I'll be fine. I'll prove it, let's all get together and have dinner." There it goes. I did it. I've just committed suicide.
"Bitch are you high?"
"No, but I really want to be." I need to be, because what?
"Jade…I…I don't know…"
"Hey, its no stress. Forget the dinner thing. But, if you aren't with him, don't let it be because of some irrelevant past that he and I have. Let it be because it's something that you want."
"Okay…I'm going to have to put some thought in that…I"m not really sold on the whole idea of you being okay with that. But I'm glad that you are okay after last night."
"I am, I really am. Listen, I have to finish getting ready, so I can catch the train to work."
"You really should just move in with me already. Waking up this early for shift at 11 is absolute madness."
"Yea, about that…I was hoping that that offer was still on the table. If the callback goes well, I would need to be closer."
"Baby girl, yes! Then I will be able to go to sleep when I'm drunk instead of drowsily waiting for you to make it home for hours."
"Let's talk more later, at work?"
"Yea babe, laters, love you."
"Love you too."
The line disconnects and I breathe a hard and heavy sigh.
Am I actually possessed? Why would I want them together? I don't want them with anyone, much, much less with each other?
I am fighting demons and it turns out the demons are me. I am my own worst enemy, why would I do this?
I need to clear my brain.
I continue with the rest of my morning routine, washing my face, donning a hydrating face mask that Gizelda got for her when she took a trip to South Korea a few months ago, as I blow dried my hair. Once I am done and read to put on the remains of my outfit, I open my bathroom door to see Andre awake and sitting on my bed, his locs down, some tucked behind his ear as he looks through his phone.
His eyes meets mines when I come out the bathroom and he gives me a slight smile, but there is knowing look and it makes me look away.
"Good Morning," I mumble to him, walking towards my closet to grab my shoes.
"Morning my little cuckoo bird." I turn and face him, lifting an eyebrow in confusion. "So you're okay with your best friend dating Beck? Suddenly what you and Beck had wasn't real?" I can feel my face turing red from being called out on what was clearly and obviously a lie. But before I let it show, I turn from him and sit down in my chair to shove my feet into socks and bulky black boots.
"Thanks for ease dropping in my conversation. Should I give my purse so that you can rifle through my wallet?"
"Jade…"
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. Its just…" I sigh. "I don't know what possessed me to say that, but like…I think it might be true…not the part about Beck and I not being real. But about me being okay with her dating him. LIke..I don't have any right to him or any right to be upset that anyone is dating him."
"It does seem like you're just putting unnecessary stress on yourself though. Punishing yourself for what happened." I smile. It does seem like that.
"So do you want to talk about this, or do you want me to take you to the bodega that sells the best breakfast sandwich in the city?"
"Bodega? You really think you're New York now?"
"Shit, I better be. You know how many times I have tripped over rats the the size of a small dog? I more than earned my card."
"Um..where exactly did that happen? I don't want to go anywhere near there."
"You know that's like going to Australia and expecting to not get attacked by the wildlife there." We continue to joke back and forth, all the while the nagging feeling of Jay taking me up on dating Beck keeps picking at me.
Why would I say that?
Why does it bother me?
Should it bother me?
Do I have the right to be bothered by it?
Is there any way that I can take it back?