Release the toxic and infectious-
Spreaders of misery,
Souls destroying souls-
And poisonous liars.
Awaken from the hallucinations-
And take back your heart.
Reclaim your self-esteem-
And leave the toxic be."
― Giorge Leedy, Uninhibited From Lust To Love
Beck
"Hi,"
"Hi,'
"Well..this sure is awkward…"
"Yea, I bet that I can make it more awkward."
"Please don't.
"Yea, no, I don't..um..I don't know why I even said that. I guess I'm just nervous…which is something that I really hate to admit to."
"Yea, I get it…full disclosure…I'm a little nervous too…"
"I'm not going to lie. I'm a little surprised to hear from you. I was pretty sure that that was the end of us."
"I mean, don't get too confident…I'm not sure about any of this. I"m not sure or certain about what to do or how to go about any of this. But Jade…I don't know…maybe this was a mistake, what on earth am I thinking."
Jalisia begins collecting her things, shaking her head, her locks falling in her face. I reach out and touch her wrist. She stops, but she doesn't face me and I can see the indecision on her face.
"Listen, I understand that this is weird, and its awkward and a whole bunch of really negative and bad words. I know that there isn't anything that I can say to make this any less bad. But I like you…I really really like you. I haven't felt this way about anyone in a really long time. I'm really not ready to give this up yet."
"Wow, keep saying stuff like this and you'll have a whole other problem on your hands." She says, finally turning to look at me. Her hazel eyes, poorly concealing the emotion within them. I give her my most charming smile that I can muster and she lets out a small laugh. Some of the tension escapes her.
"Just to be clear, I only agreed to this because Jade said that she was okay with this. She actually encouraged this and it's still a little awkward for me."
"She really said that she was okay with this?" Really? I want to say that this is out of character for her, but it's not.
So why does this make me feel uncomfortable?
Why does it hurt a little?
"Yeah, she did. She said that there is something more between us other than just sex. And that we should see where this goes. To be honest, she's right, I do want to see where this goes. I do feel something for you Beck. But I really don't want to hurt Jade."
I don't have any response for it. A part of me doesn't want to hurt Jade. I have loved her for so long…but there is a strong part of me that is angry with her, and wants her to hurt. I want her to feel the way that she made me feel. I think that I would enjoy that. I want it to happen. But that's fucked up.
I really like Jalisia. I don't want to tarnish what we have…what we might have by using it as revenge against Jade. I can't do that to her. Fuck, I haven't said anything for a while.
"The feelings that I have for Jade…with Jade are complicated. I know that you don't do complicated things and that you don't do anything messy…and I don't want any of that either…but I understand, we haven't been together that long and I completely understand if this is all too much for you."
"Let's… just take things slow and see where this goes." She rushes out quickly, and looks me in my eyes. I grab her hands and give them a gentle squeeze.
I feel happy…but…
Nah, forget it. What could possibly go wrong?
.
.
.
Jade
I didn't expect this day to come so soon. I'm nervous. I'm really really nervous. I've been to dance classes, I've been to vocal classes. I have been practicing over and over. I should be ready, I should be prepared for this but…
I'm still really, really nervous. I wish that Andre was here. But he had to finish up his tour and then complete a small press tour. I won't be seeing him for 2-3 weeks. His absence makes me feel naked. I hadn't known how dependent that I had gotten just from his brief time with me. But I'm happy that he's busy. I really, really am. Being busy is a sign of success and I want him to be successful, he absolutely deserves it. But still…
"Jade West, we are ready for you." I hear them call. I take a very deep breath. I guess it's now or never.
I walk out to the stage, to the blinding lights, trying to calm the erratic racing of my heart. I got this. I got this. I got this.
You got this.
I'm not Jade Marie West. I'm a girl who's had shitty luck with love all her life and has finally found someone who loves her for her. A girl who is unmarried and pregnant, and is willing to pin all of future on this man who loves her.
The slow jazzy notes of the piano start off. I close my eyes and lose myself in the performance.
"Maybe this time, I'll be lucky
Maybe this time, he'll stay
Maybe this time, for the first time
Love won't hurry away"
I sway to music, I slowly open my eyes and look in to the far off distance, I imagine my life, I imagine the feeling of being so happy and taken care of. Feeling secure about everything, like no matter what, everything will be okay. I slowly wrap my hands around my body to simulate what his embrace will be like.
"He will hold me fast
I'll be home at last
Not a loser anymore
Like the last time
And the time before"
I turn and look to the right of me, not really wanting to face the audience, not wanting to face the creeping feelings of uncertainty clawing up my throat. I have to believe this, I have to believe in him, believe in love.
"He will hold me fast
I'll be home at last
Not a loser anymore
Like the last time
And the time before
"Everybody loves a winner
So nobody loved me"
I ramp up the passion, I feel my body moving on it's own accord, the movements are sharp and jerky, yet precise and planned.
'Lady Peaceful', 'Lady Happy'
That's what I long to be
"Well, all the odds are, they are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's gotta happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time, I'll win"
I keep going and going, giving them more, pouring more and more of myself into this performance. I have to. I need to get this part. More passion, stronger vocals, more eye contact. I release any inhibitions that I may have and just let loose. I am mirroring Sally and her emotions. This is my one chance, this is my one dream. I need it to happen and on my own. When the last line comes, I deliver it with all of the breath control that I can muster in order to keep a long, strong and supported sustained note.
The music ends and there is a stark silence, that seems to last eons. I struggle to keep my breathing quiet so that I can hear any errant sounds.
So suddenly, that it spooks me, I hear applause. I look at the casting directors surprised. What?
"Ms. West, you did a really impressive job. You are fantastic to look at while performing and your voice is soft and powerful at the same time. You've really given us a lot to think about. We'll call you with the results in a day or two. Thank you so much for coming."
"Jared, don't string the girl along. Listen Ms. West, that was amazingly done. You were absolutely perfect. We couldn't have asked for a better one, you are our Mimi Marquez. Congratulations."
What…
What…
WHAT?!
The ocean is roaring in my ears. My heart has stopped.
I did it?
I did it?!
I feel tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. I did it. I finally did it.
They are still talking, mainly arguing amongst themselves, but I did it. I fucking did it. I close my eyes and shake my head before the tears can fall. I have to bite my lower lip hard to focus on that pain. I can't believe that I did it.
"Thank you," they stop speaking because I have started. Again, I'm unable to control myself. "This is really a dream come true. I cannot believe that this is happening, I feel like I don't deserve it. I am truly thankful and I will not let you down, I promise."
"Don't get sentimental just yet Ms. West. This audition was the easiest part. Things are about to get a hell of a lot harder now."
.
.
.
"Hey babe, how was the audition?"
"I got it! I cannot fucking believe it, I did it, I got the part, I got the fucking part!" I scream into the phone.
"No fucking way! Jade! Oh my fucking God, you did it! You actually did it!" Jay screams back at me. We dissolve into a bunch of unintelligible screams and cries of happiness. "I knew you could do it, I knew it! You're fucking amazing. You are great and fantastic and I know how hard you have been working on this. Promise me that you'll remember me once you're a famous broadway fucking actress OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU'RE A FAMOUS BROADWAY ACTRESS!"
"Calm down Jay, I am not famous."
"Not yet you aren't. Oh God, we have to go out for drinks, we have to celebrate. This will be your last time drinking for a few months. Oh no, we're hardly going to see each other, will you still work at the library?"
"We will totally see each other. Now that I have the part, I will need a place to stay so that I'm not traveling for hours anymore."
"Yes, yes, yes. When are you coming? Babe, I am so fucking happy for you! This is so exciting!" I can't help but laugh. I'm happy, I am really and truly happy. I finally did it.
"I'll let you know all of that and we'll sort everything out. But I have to get home and let my folks know. But we will definitely celebrate and I am definitely moving in. I'm just so happy."
"I am happy for you babe. I'm truly am, I'll talk to you later."
The line disconnects. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, searching in my mind for who to call next.
Long, soft dark tresses, olive skin, smokey brown eyes fills my mind.
My eyes pop open, and I clutch at my chest.
Why the fuck did Beck pop into my brain?
No. I won't feed into this. I'm not even going to think about this anymore.
I make my way to the nearest train station. I have to get home and tell my dad my good news. I would call him, but I want to tell him in person. He…he'll be proud of me…I hope. This is good news, this is proof that it's not a phase, I'm not just messing around. This is important to me and I did a good job, I'll be able to live a life off this. I can be successful.
There is a small worry. Worry that he won't be impressed, worry that he'll think it's a waste of time. Worry that he had something to do with me getting the part.
But that's just the part of me that wants me to fail. That doesn't want me to be happy. I don't have to listen to that part of me anymore. I can silence it because I did it. I got the part. I worked hard and I put in the effort and I did it. I am good, I am talented.
No one can take that away from me.
I did it.
.
.
.
"Dad! Gizelda! I have news!" I enter my home and call out for them. It's 4 pm on a Thursday, they should be home, but then again, I don't really keep up with their schedule. "Dad! Middle aged Barbie! Where are you guys?"
"In the kitchen, please stop screaming like you've lost your mind!" Gizelda calls back. I make my way to the kitchen and push open the doors. I see Gizelda talking to the chef that comes twice a day to cook lunch and dinner and Dad is rifling through the fridge wearing his stupid golfing get up.
"Hey guys, I have good news." I try to keep the excitement out of my voice.
"Oh really, Jadey? What is it?" Gizelda turns to look at me. My dad just grabs a water out of the fridge and proceeds to drink it, as if I hadn't said anything.
"Dad, did you hear me? I have good news."
He finishes his drink…"...yea and I'm waiting to hear it." He finally looks at me and I feel that all too familiar pang in my heart. It's okay. You're okay, you're okay. I kind of don't want to say it now. I want to protect this news. It makes me happy. Don't tell them Jade. Don't do it. Protect the news, protect yourself.
No, don't be silly. He'll be happy for me. He'll smile and he will be proud. You're just a scaredy cat. Don't be stupid. You're so stupid.
"Come on Jadey, tell us the news. I want to hear it." Gizelda looks so sincere.
"Um…well, I have been going to auditions for this revival of Rent on Broadway and I got a call back for the role of Mimi and I did it today and I got it. I got the part, I got the role."
"Oh my God, you didn't!" Gizelda's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. "You're going to be on Broadway, my daughter is a Broadway actress!"
"Daughter? What happened to your stepdaughter in order to preserve the appearance of you being a young wife?" I laughed as she engulfs me in a tight hug.
"Fuck that, you're a Broadway actress now! I would call you my sister if it didn't make it weird that I married your dad! I'm so proud of you Jadey! You're so talented, it was only a matter of time!"
I allow myself to melt into her embrace a bit before looking over to my dad who was looking at his phone.
This is big news.
"Dad?" I call to him. "Did you hear me? I got the part."
"Yes sweetheart, I heard you. Congratulations, when is it so that we can be there to see?" What?
"I-it's a Broadway show…Dad…there will be performances for months…It's a pretty big deal." I feel Gizelda muscles tense. I let go of her and look at my dad. Does he not care? Why doesn't he care? "I worked really hard to get this role. Rent is a highly regarded musical. It's been running-"
"Oh so its one of those musicals huh? You really do enjoy singing." He gives a small chuckle and shakes his head.
"I do more than just enjoy singing dad. It's one of the ways that I express myself. It's part of my life, it's one of the few things in life that makes me happy-"
"One of the few things? So you going out of your way to make a fool of me in front of investors, business partners and whoever else is important is just something to do?"
"Hey, hey now. Let's just cool off for a minute." Gizelda comes between the two of us, her hands out. "Aaron, how about you whip up something special for us in light of Jade's good news. And it IS good new honey," she says, shooting my dad a stern look. But he's not paying her any attention and to be honest, neither am I really. I can't believe he is being like this, he is belittling my efforts, my talent, my dreams and ambition. I worked really hard to get this role and he treats it as though it is some highschool play? LIke this is just some participation role that I got because not enough people audition for it to be actual competition.
"What the fuck dad, I thought for once in my life you'd be proud of me?"
"Who said that I'm not. You got play happening, good for you, congratulations." I think I'm going to cry. I look away from him and close my eyes. "What? How am I the bad guy in this?"
"Its fine dad, its fine," I turn and start walking away.
"Jade, no, this is really good news. Let me throw you a party, we can invite your friends and Charlene, I know she will just be sick to death to find out your good news?" Gizelda offers, trying to salvage the moment. It's too late. The moment is gone. It's been ruined. And it is all my fucking fault, I should have known better, I should have done better. Why do I constantly vie for his fucking approval, I am never going to get it. He doesn't like me. He never has. I am nothing more than a reminder of his mistakes and of his failures.
"Its fine, I don't want a party." I hesitate at the door. "...by the way…I'm moving out," I push past the door, and storm up to my room. I can hear Gizelda call out behind me, before she and my father argue in hushed tones.
I"m so fucking studpid. Why on earth did I even say anything to him?
I feel the hot, wet tears, sliding down my face and my throat closing up. My face becomes warm and I want to scream and cry. But I can't. It was my fault for expecting anything more.
I go to my room and I grab a duffle bag. I shove everything that I possibly can into the bag, and I grab a suitcase to shove a few more items in it. I grab my phone and order an Uber XL to Jay's place. I need to leave. I don't want to be here anymore. I absolutely cannot be here anymore. I want to go back to California with my mom. I don't want to be around him anymore.
But I can't go to California. I finally got the role of a lifetime. So I'll just go to Jay's .
I get the notification that my Uber is outside and I grab my things and head out to the front.
It's a long ride to Jay's, but I don't mind. I need the time to pull myself together and to make sure that I'm not a huge, gross blob of tears and mascara.
All too soon I'm at her apartment building. I still feel like my eyes are puffy and red, but it's too late, what am I going to do about it? Getting out of the car, I take Jay's building. She talks a lot of shit about me and my family's wealth, but she lives in a spacious, 2 bedroom apartment in Manhattan. There is no way that she is paying for this with only the salary that we make from the library. I press the buzzer to her unit until she answers.
"...Jade?" comes her staticy reply.
"How did you know?"
"You know I'm clairvoyant." I roll my eyes, a smile fighting its way to my lips despite the absolute torment I'm feeling right now. The door buzzes and I open it and drag my luggage to the elevator. I give my face a good scrub again, hoping that I'm able to lie about the puffiness or something, anything so that I don't have to talk about my dad. Maybe we can just get drunk and I can just celebrate my good news.
I see Jay standing in the hallway to greet me, and already I feel relief.
"Oh wow, I didn't know you were bringing your stuff, otherwise we would have gone down to help you."
"We? What are you talking about…?" Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
As soon as I enter her apartment, I see Beck just lounging at the bar on a stool. He gives me a 2 finger salute and his face is completely unreadable.
"Salutations Jade."