It had all begun with a flat tire, hence Brad's relief when the mechanic came. His respite, however, fell short of his expectations. Tires were swapped, screws were tightened, yet the turmoil persisted.
Surely, there were a few things more unsettling than having sex (twice!) with a crossdressing alien on the bare floor of his laboratory while your ex-otherwordly-impregnated-fiancée faced a most uncertain fate… Or perhaps there weren't, Brad concluded as he parked in the castle's yard. His presence here was still required. Janet wasn't out of danger yet, and Frank needed his assistance on a rather urgent matter, whatever it might be. Entering the ballroom, remnants of the Floor Show still lingering, he soon came to realise his second assumption was false.
There was indeed one thing more unsettling than having sex with a crossdressing alien on the bare floor of his laboratory while your ex-otherwordly-impregnated-fiancée faced a most uncertain fate, which consisted of all the elements precedently listed, plus assisting the said alien lover to dispose of his former paramour's corpse.
That was a lot. Especially for Brad. Especially now.
"What a waste!" He exclaimed as he gazed down on Columbia's lifeless form. "I barely knew her, but she seemed to be a kind soul. Did she have any family or fr—" He halted at a piercing sound when he heard a screeching sound, akin to the scratching of plastic being torn open. "Good Lord, is that a Twinkie?"
"Divine decadence," Frank affirmed with a nod, gobbling his snack.
"How can you eat in a moment like this?!"
"Coping mechanism, I suppose," he retorted with a shrug. "Besides, my mother always says it's not fattening if it's not on a plate."
Ignoring Brad's disapproving glare, he positioned himself at Columbia's head level. Brad, managing the lower half of the body, followed suit. Just as they were about to move her, Columbia's eyes fluttered open, and she let out a piercing scream that echoed through the cavernous ballroom.
"Holy crap! She's alive!" Brad exclaimed, his grip on her wrists tightening involuntarily.
Frank, caught off guard, stumbled back a step. Another Twinkie hung precariously from his lips as he gawked at his ex plaything.
"Divine decadence indeed," he mumbled through the confectionery, his usual swagger momentarily replaced by genuine surprise.
Columbia continued to scream, her eyes darting frantically around the room as if she couldn't believe where she was. Her hands clutched at the air, searching for something to hold onto. Brad, still in shock, released her wrists as if they were on fire.
"I... I…This is insane!" Brad stammered, taking a step back from the now-conscious Columbia. "Give it to me! I think I need a break," he said after he snatched the Twinkie from Frank and lounged on one of the beach chairs nearby.
Despite her disoriented state, Columbia's eyes eventually focused on the two men before her. The screams turned into a puzzled expression, and she spoke, her voice shaky, "What... What's happening? Where am I?"
Brad, still processing the surreal situation and swinging back and forth on his chair, mumbled to himself, "I really need a vacation."
Frank, brushed the Twinkie crumbs off his lips and offered a smirk. "Well, sweetness, it appears you've had a brief stint with death. Welcome back."
Columbia's eyes widened at the sound of his voice, and her expression now transformed into a mixture of horror and sheer anger.
"You!" She hissed, seemingly recalling the recent events. Lunging forward with unexpected strength, she threw herself at Frank, her hands reaching for his face. In a whirlwind of movement, she delivered a resounding slap across his cheek.
"Ouch! That was uncalled for!"
"Uncalled for? You left me lying on this hard ass floor like some dirty underwear!"
"Nu-uh, I beg to differ," Frank retorted. "For your information, me and the bodacious Brad were just about to grant you a dignified farewell when you chose to stage your little comeback. I had the whole ceremony planned, epitaph and all. Look, feast your eyes on this masterpiece!" He proclaimed with pride, handing her a crumpled draft he had pulled from his pocket.
Columbia, still simmering with frustration, read aloud:
Roses are red, she is blue,
Once moist for a fat sod, a lover untrue,
In sequin she now rests, passion askew,
Frank's former flame, downhill she flew.
"Oh dear…", Brad whined, anticipating the brewing storm.
Columbia gaped for a few seconds and shouted again, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"I must admit, it does loses some of its dramatic flair now that you're alive, but—"
"YOU KILLED EDDIE!"
"Well, I… his skull did happen to impale itself on the sharp end of my pickaxe, yes," Frank acknowledged nonchalantly. "But who could have predicted the subsequent turn of events?"
"Pretty much everyone," Brad added dryly.
Columbia continued her rant, her voice dripping with accusation. "And then you turned me into a goddamn statue!"
"Need I explain myself?" Frank scoffed, arms folded on his chest. "Your constant criticism and lack of faith had to be dealt with."
"Frank…" Brad started as he jolted out of his chair and interposed between them, attempting to inject a bit of reason into the madness.
"And I... I loved you," she said, her screams fading into a withering whisper, the remnants of her anger now laced with a heartbreaking sorrow.
"Yet another thing I should have punished you for!"
Columbia, overwhelmed by a flood of emotions, turned away, her tears tracing glistening paths down her cheeks. She rushed out of the room, leaving behind the weight of the past and the ghosts of a love that had once been. Brad watched her leave, his heart aching for her pain. For a moment, he stood frozen, contemplating the contradictions of his own feelings. His relief at Columbia's unexpected resurrection was undeniable, yet her presence triggered a lingering sense of jealousy he was desperate to shake off, like an unwanted guest.
Breaking the awkward silence, Frank declared, "On the bright side of things, that makes one less grave to dig. Which equals…" He quickly did the maths, counting with his fingers. "Ah, zero! Not bad!" He paused and sighed, perplexity written across his face. "Strange though…"
Brad titled his head on the side, equally bewildered. "What is it?"
"You see, usually, I do the things I do because—" he frowned and let out a light chuckle, "Why, mostly 'cause I feel like it. But for the first time in my life, it all seems…"
"Wrong?"
"Ill-advised, at most."
"Your highness…do I hear remorse in your voice?"
Frank scrunched his nose and rested his forehead on Brad's shoulder. "Ghastly, isn't it?"
"Quite the opposite!" Brad smiled and leaned towards him, tucking one of Frank's unruly curls behind his ear. "I, for one, find that questioning of your mercurial violence rather charming."
"Well, in that case..." Frank purred as he swiftly caught Brad in his embrace, his fingers teasingly digging into his hips. "And, by the way, that's Doctor Furter to you."
Their lips met in a passionate clash, an intoxicating blend of longing and desire. Frank's hands navigated the contours of Brad's body with an artist's precision, both the arsonist and the firefighter. The atmosphere around them crackled as their kiss deepened, momentarily eclipsing the strangeness of the situation.
Before any of them could find enough willpower to end that stolen moment, they were interrupted by some loud footsteps, followed by an unmistakable grunt.
"Rocky!" Frank shouted in a commanding tone, as they rushed to the blonde creature standing in the lobby. "What on earth possessed you to come here? You're supposed to guard…"
"Oh, no!" Brad exclaimed at the sight of the two unsavoury characters behind the muscle man.
"You treacherous inbreds!" Frank growled as his hand tightened around the whip hanging on his belt. "How did you get out of your cell?"
"Rocky opened the door," Riff Raff replied, unfazed.
"This is outrageous!" Frank gasped. "What torments did you inflict on that poor boy to shatter his feeble mind, huh?"
"Two simple words: 'please' and 'thank you'," Magenta sneered. "Devastating, really. You should give it a try."
"He seems okay," Brad said, eager to reassure the subject of all his musings.
"I fulfilled my part of the deal; I provided you with the formula," Riff Raff stated. "Miss Janet is alright now, I'd bet my life on it."
Frank nodded, his lips contorted in a petty pout. "I administered the serum to her a couple of hours ago. As much as it pains me to admit it, her condition has genuinely improved."
"So what happens next?" Brad inquired straight off.
Frank was about to respond, but his former handyman beat him to it.
"Her pregnancy will continue smoothly until the due date. She's safe."
Ineffably elated, Brad let out a cry of joy. "This is marvellous!"
"Speak for yourself," Magenta spat with disdain. "She'll still have to cope with it, bringing an unwanted child into the world."
"Boo-fucking-hoo!" Frank jeered. "I was very much wanted, and look how it turned out!"
"Come now, it's different," she retorted. "You were a disgrace from the moment you crawled out of the womb."
The scientist shot her a murderous glance, ready to draw his whip, while Brad squeezed his shoulder in a soothing gesture.
"Ah, babies! They make everyone see eye to eye!" Brad declared in a light hearted tone, before adding, "Now, Riff Raff, Magenta, you have a long journey ahead of you, and we'd hate to hold you back. Wouldn't we, Frank?"
"Mmh? Oh, absolutely," the latter affirmed. "The Sonic Transducer is all yours, so please teleport the hell out of my sight and never show your ugly faces ever again."
"Before that, I'd like to make one final suggestion," Riff Raff said. "It is pretty conspicuous that Rocky doesn't… behave the way you originally intended."
"Meaning the guy wouldn't touch you with a fifty feet pole," Magenta quipped, and Frank responded by defiantly raising his middle finger at her.
"What use could you possibly make of him here?" Riff Raff continued. "Allow me to take him to Transsexual. He could serve at court, and would undoubtedly impress the Queen."
Frank took a deep breath, as if caught in profound contemplation, and uttered, "Ugh, whatever. As long as you two cease your incessant chatter at once."
However, he was abruptly cut short by a sudden, high-pitched scream that came from Magenta's mouth. She and Riff Raff stood in shock, only to witness a surreal sight: Columbia, alive and well, had emerged from the shadows. The shock quickly turned into a joyful explosion, with the two women falling into each other's arms, exchanging kisses and laughter.
Amidst the emotional reunion, Magenta couldn't contain her curiosity and asked, "Columbia, how come you're still alive?"
At that very moment, Riff Raff stepped forward, his expression revealing a hidden truth. "I never intended to kill her," he admitted, a hint of guilt in his voice. "The ray gun was set to stun mode. I just needed her neutralised, so you could leave Earth with me without any complications."
"Thank you for that, I guess…" Columbia said hesitantly.
The revelation struck Magenta like a bolt of lightning. Her initial joy turned into fury as the truth sank in. "You planned to leave with me…leaving behind the mess you created. You never cared about her, about us," she spat out.
In a fit of rage and disappointment, Magenta pushed her lover-brother away. For Brad, it was like their incestuous connection had severed right in front of him, ending the tumultuous chapter of their intertwined lives. As for Frank, it was all too obvious he took perverse pleasure in witnessing this poignant scene unfold.
"I've had it with your schemes and lousy machinations!" Magenta went on. "All you ever wanted was to come home, eh? Well go ahead, but I'm not following you… Not anymore."
In an immediate reaction to her words, Columbia took her hand and exclaimed, "Let's get out of here, Mags! Together! I could show you the country, I know you've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon. We'll go wherever you want. Frank will even give us the pickup… Won't he?" She then asked the transvestite, an ominous glimpse dancing in her eyes.
"If it can spare me another one of your tantrums, sure, knock yourselves out!" He said reluctantly as he handed the keys to her.
By way of a thank-you, the tap dancer gave him a dead leg.
"Gah!" Frank yelped as he drew back with a wince. "I hardly deserved that one!"
"I know, I know…" Brad soothed once more.
Without further ado Magenta and Columbia exited the looming castle, their figures etched against the foggy landscape. As they walked to the pickup truck, their glistening sequined outfits shimmered like fallen stars, leaving a trail of glamour in their wake. The fading echoes of Magenta's high-heeled footsteps were swallowed by the roar of the engine. Frank, Brad, Riff Raff and Rocky stood still, watching the departing duo. The fading echoes of Magenta's high-heeled footsteps were swallowed by the roar of the engine.
"Well, that was... eventful," Brad remarked.
Frank inhaled a puff of his cigarette, the glowing ember waltzing in his jewel-like eyes. "Life in the castle has always been full of surprises," he mused, his eyes fixated on the distant tail lights of the pickup truck.
While the vehicle disappeared into the horizon, Brad was left with a sense of both closure and uncertainty. Would he get his happy ending as well?