"So you're telling me all you did was study?" Tas questioned me for the hundredth time over the first breakfast of the second term. "I went to Hogsmeade a couple of times, but yes, all I did was study." I repeated. "Seeing as my Christmas was clearly far less enjoyable, please tell me all about yours." I desperately wanted the attention off myself. Even over the loudness of the Great Hall, I could hear the Golden Trio's minds working overtime as they eyed me down. I didn't return their gaze, but I knew their eyes were locked on me.
"I beg to differ." Severus' morning voice never fails to make me weak at the knees, even if I am sitting down. "Pardon?" I kept my eyes on Tas as she told me all about her family's annual snowball fight, but I kept my mind locked on his. "Seeing as your break both started and ended with an orgasm, I should think your Christmas was far more enjoyable than Miss Rosewood's." I crossed my legs to suppress the ache in my core.
Yesterday afternoon, just before the Hogwarts Express was due to arrive, Severus and I were sitting on the floor in front of my fire. He was leaning against the loveseat, and I sat between his legs with my back against his chest. It started out innocent enough; his eyes were lost in a book and mine in the crackling hearth, and I remember vaguely having a conversation about what would be required of me in The Order.
I don't know when or how, but eventually my pants and knickers were discarded, and his fingers were buried knuckle-deep in my dripping quim. I arched my back and strained my neck to the side to capture his lips with mine. His thumb worked mercilessly against my clit, and he swallowed my cries as my orgasm washed over me. It was yet another overwhelmingly intimate venture that made me desperate for more than just his fingers to fill me. "Fair point. Do you think I should correct her?"
"Hmm. Perhaps not. However, I do think you should tell her that you are a Legilimens." I shuddered at his suggestion. Logically, I know that I will not be able to keep this secret from her for much longer. I'm sure she will take the news well. And by well, I mean she will likely hex me, throw a fit that I didn't tell her, and finally beg me to share every piece of gossip I know.
"It shouldn't be this difficult, Sev." I wish I had told her sooner; it would have saved me a world of grief. "Secrets are heavy burdens, darling. She will understand. But you must ensure not to reveal too much." My heart ached for him. His life is nothing but lies and secrets. The only world he has ever known is one in which he is a protector, regardless of whether people know he plays such a role or not.
"I'll tell her tonight before rounds." I said with a heavy sigh. "Spend the night with her if you must. You can join me tomorrow." He offered. I took a chance and glanced up at him, ready to protest. I was cut short by a discrete flex of his fingers, a subtle wave of dismissal. "Alright. Thank you." With a simple nod, he stood from the staff table and left the hall. To onlookers, his nod appeared to be a farewell to his co-workers, but I knew it was for me.
"I was right; your Christmas was definitely more fun than mine." I laughed as Tas finally finished explaining in excruciating detail her Christmas and the snowball fight. "Come sleep in my room tonight." I said as we made our way to first period. Tas practically jumped onto my back at the suggestion. We haven't spent time together for so long, and she misses me just as much as I miss her. I couldn't ignore the nausea that bubbled up in my stomach, though. Realistically, I know being a Legilimens is not something I need to hide. However, the longer I kept it a secret, the harder it became to tell the truth.
I slumped down in my armchair and let my eyes glaze over. My day was long and draining. During D.A.D.A., Severus assured me again that I was doing the right thing by confiding in Tas. I wish I could confide in her about my relationship with him too, though. I would give anything to be able to share how happy I am with him. How confident, cherished, and loved he makes me feel. But if I could tell her, what would I say? The thought of finally opening up to Tas brought forth a whole new myriad of questions and anxieties that I have managed to suppress.
We haven't made anything official. I have told him that he has me, and he has told me that I have him. I accidentally admitted to falling in love with him, but neither of us have spoken of it since. We are partners in this war, but are we partners in life, too? What will happen when this bond is inevitably broken? Will we fall back into our old ways? Will we forget the smell of each other, the feel, the taste? Will we return to Professor Snape and Miss Goldstein?
Amidst the lusted-up haze of the past few months, I have let myself get wound so tightly around his attention that I have lost perspective on our situation. The way he looks at me, speaks to me, and holds me has clouded my judgement. The way he knows my body better than I do makes me feel as though I was designed for him.
A magical bond isn't formed overnight. It isn't a last-ditch effort to solve a particular conundrum. It is wrought so finely by the universe, with a design so defined that no engorgio spell could reveal even the smallest flaw.
And yet, with all the precision, we are left clueless. A not-so-blissful ignorance plagues our waking hours. Our bodies and minds are entwined as one, while our future is fractured into millions of pieces. Am I the missing piece to this war, to the destruction of Voldemort, to him? Perhaps I was designed for him.
Have I fallen in love with him, or am I being influenced by the bond? He admitted to craving me and not the bond, but had it not been for the bond, he would not have had the chance to crave me. This bond prohibits us from being physically apart, but I find myself not willing to be apart from him. It seems as though he feels the same, but is that a symptom of our bond, too?
So many questions have gone unanswered, and the uncertainty makes my skin crawl. Is he feeling the same way as I am? Is he having the same doubts and asking the same questions? The thought of asking him makes my stomach churn. What if he doesn't feel the same way? What if I am merely a means to an end, and he is willing to let everything go when the bond is broken? What if I really do love him and he doesn't love me?
"I can feel your anxiety from here." His voice hummed through my mind as if he knew I was thinking about him. "Sorry. Tas should be here any minute. I'm just trying to prepare." It wasn't a complete lie. I really am anxious about seeing her. He didn't respond right away; he was confused. He has told me before that I cannot lie to him, and I'm guessing he is about to prove that point.
"I will come to you after rounds, and we will talk." He wasn't asking. "You can't. Tas is staying the night; you know that." Again, he didn't immediately answer. He was getting agitated, and I was too. I could practically see him standing in front of his fireplace, staring into the hearth, desperately wanting to come to me.
A knock at my door broke me from my thoughts, and I flinched slightly. "Tas is here. I will see you tomorrow." I waved my hand, and Tas stepped into my room with a grin plastered on her face. "We will talk, Hazel." His demand was fraught and weary, but a demand no less. I didn't respond as I stood to be pulled tightly into Tas' embrace.
"I still cannot believe you didn't tell me!" Tas rambled on as we lay next to each other in my bed. We spoke for hours on end after I explained my gift. Initially, she was mortified about all the things I had heard in her mind over the years. Her dread swiftly turned into outrage that I hadn't confided in her sooner. Her anger then morphed into excitement for the gossip I had to share.
It was exhausting, but oh so relieving. I told her that Albus and Severus knew and that they were both helping me improve my Occlumency skills. I figured it was better that she knew I was spending more time with Severus so that it would be easier to explain if I needed to go to him. She had plenty of questions about what he is like behind closed doors, and I told her that he is still petulant and obtuse, which isn't a lie. But I also told her that we had come to an understanding of sorts, wherein he does not insult me, and I do not push his buttons, which is also not a lie.
I hesitantly told her that Harry, Hermione, and Ron knew, too. I told her about Harry's map, that he had seen Severus and me together on multiple occasions "training", and that I had chosen to confess to him. She was particularly angry that they knew before she did, but ultimately understood my predicament in the moment. She was also curious to know if I could hear Severus and Albus' minds too. I said no, of course. If she knew that I could hear Severus' thoughts, she would never drop it.
"Your birthday is in a few days." Tas finally changed the topic, though I wasn't particularly thrilled with this one either. My eighteenth birthday was yet another reminder that I was away from my family with no hope of seeing them anytime soon. "It's on Thursday, right? We should have the party on Friday." She was practically vibrating with excitement. "I don't want a party, Tas."
"But it's your eighteenth birthday! You have to have a party." She persisted. I sighed heavily, knowing that, with or without my consent, a party would be thrown. I could see her designing the layout of the common room in her mind right now. "Fine. But please keep it small." She squealed and pulled me into a forceful, awkward, half-lying-down hug. Thinking about my birthday made me realise that I don't know when Severus' is. I made a mental note to ask him when he inevitably traps me for a "talk".
The night ended quite late. Though I didn't check the time, it was definitely past two in the morning. We chatted about everything from my grandmother to all the nasty and awfully vivid thoughts and imaginations of the students to what the theme of my party should be. She enjoyed hearing about who has a crush on who, who has fooled around with who, and to what extent. A heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Even though I wasn't telling the whole truth, I have never been able to be so open with anyone. I felt like I had my best friend back, even if she never went anywhere.
I woke up with two of Tas' limbs draped unceremoniously over my neck and thighs. She slept spread out in the most obnoxiously endearing way, and I couldn't help but chuckle. It is impossible not to love someone so annoyingly sweet. I smiled at the contradiction between her personality and her being a Slytherin.
As I showered and readied myself for the day, I mentally prepared for how I was going to avoid Severus. He demanded that we speak, but I could imagine nothing worse. Realistically, I knew that I would not be able to avoid him. For one, I had D.A.D.A. first period, and secondly, he simply would not allow it.
I convinced Tas to skip breakfast with me so we could spend more time together before classes began. She was all too eager to stay in bed for an hour longer. I could not feel Severus in his chambers or office, so I knew he was either already at breakfast or already in his classroom, and I breathed a sigh of relief. All too soon, though, I was standing anxiously in front of the D.A.D.A. classroom.
The door swung open, and he was standing at the front of his classroom with his arms folded across his chest. His menacing stance was not for my peers, as it usually is; it was for me. His eyes were locked on mine as we made our way into the classroom and took our seats. I kept my eyes on him but remained silent. I was not going to be intimidated into submission. If he wanted to talk to me, we would do so in private.
"Not even a 'good morning'?" He asked in a tone dripping with defensiveness. I scoffed a little too loudly, causing a few heads to turn my way. "I didn't get one from you, either." I wasn't even sure why we were arguing. Are we arguing? Was he hurt that I didn't kick Tas out of my room last night so we could talk? He was the one who suggested she spend the night with me, after all. Or perhaps he was hurt that he caught me in a lie. Likely a mix of the two, I assume.
His eyes softened a fraction. "Good morning, darling." He felt guilty for his little outburst. "Good morning, Sev." He turned his attention back to the class before anyone could notice that we were still staring at each other. I felt a little more at ease, and the class continued on as normal. We were practising duelling, and Severus conveniently paired me with Augustus. He knew full well that I was far more advanced than Augustus and that I would be able to knock him on his ass. A perfect payback for his attempt to grab mine.
"I will see you tonight at eight." Severus called out as I left for my second period.
"You will."
It was barely half past seven when I stepped through my fireplace and into his office. I was quite early, but I couldn't wait around any longer. The longer I paced in front of my window, the more nervous I became. If he wanted to talk, we would talk. I needed to get some answers, or at least attempt to. Regardless of whether or not he disclosed anything, I still needed to lay everything out in the open.
"I would say that you're early because you're eager to see me, but I have felt you pacing your room for the last hour." I jumped slightly. He was leaning against the fireplace with his hands folded across his chest and one eyebrow arched. "Really? And how long have you been standing there waiting for me to arrive?" I challenged him, mimicking his arched brow.
His lip curled into a smirk, and he stepped closer to me, drowning me in his shadow. I loved seeing him like this, bathed in the soft glow of the light behind him. He looked refined and almost angelic. It was ironic, really – the great, evil dungeon bat looking like an angel. He was still trying to appear ominous, though, and it made me giggle softly. "Are you going to kiss me or not?"
In response, he clasped one hand against the small of my back and the other around the back of my neck, and he captured my lips with his. I couldn't help but whimper as he pulled me closer, lacing his tongue with mine and threading his fingers through my hair. It had been a little over 48 hours since we last kissed, but it felt like an eternity.
He swallowed my gasp as he hoisted me up and pressed me against the wall next to the fireplace. I could stay like this forever, feeling his hands roam my body while his tongue dominated my mouth. I moaned as he dragged my bottom lip through his teeth and pulled back. He placed me gently back on the ground, keeping his hands on my waist to steady me. "Let's get rounds over with." I said breathlessly as he placed a final peck on my cheek.
Rounds were far more enjoyable than they usually are. We caught Augustus and Abbey Strangford, a Ravenclaw, snogging in an alcove on the first floor. I cast a quick disillusionment and muffliato on myself and watched with rapt attention as Severus berated them both. He was particularly harsh on Augustus, which I very much enjoyed and appreciated. He trembled with utter fear as Severus threatened to revoke his Head Boy status, and he promptly ran away with a month of detention with Filch under his belt.
When we stepped into the Room of Requirement, we were met with a much smaller space than usual. It was slightly larger than my bedroom, with only a plush couch and rug in front of an already crackling fire. Severus took me by the hand and led me to the couch.
I sat with my back leaning against the armrest and my legs draped over his. As usual, he began rubbing circles up and down my shins and thighs. We sat for a moment in comfortable silence, just looking at each other.
"When is your birthday?" I asked. When he flinched slightly, I frowned in confusion. Was he sad? "I don't celebrate my birthday." He admitted softly, turning away from me to look into the flames.
I tilted my head and examined him from head to toe. I should have known that if he doesn't celebrate Christmas, he surely wouldn't celebrate his birthday. "Well, in that case, I need to know when it is so that I know when not to celebrate." A faint smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth, but he still didn't answer me. "Mine is this Thursday. The ninth." I admitted in hopes that he would do the same.
I heard the joints in his neck pop as he snapped his head to face me. He studied my eyes for a moment before letting out a surprisingly loud chuckle, causing my legs to shake atop his. "Is my birthday funny?" He laughed again and patted my legs, squeezing them softly. "No, my dear, it is not."
I waited impatiently for him to explain. "This bond continues to surprise me every day." He said as he took off my shoes and started to rub my feet. I jerked slightly; my feet are dreadfully ticklish. He kept his pressure strong enough to ease the sensitivity but not so hard as to be painful. "Mine is, too." He turned his attention to my feet as he worked the tension out of them.
"Yours is what?" Merlin, this man will be the death of me one day. Talking in riddles and vague statements. "My birthday is this Thursday." My jaw dropped rather dramatically. "You're joking!" I tried to pry my feet from his hands so I could sit closer to him, but he only tightened his grip. "I have told you before, darling, that I do not joke." I tilted my head back to stare at the ceiling and grinned. "What are the odds of that?"
"Given that we are bonded, I'd say quite high." He supplied. I dropped my chin to look at him again. "Do you think our birthdays have anything to do with our bond?" I squirmed as he pressed along the arch of my foot. A wave of hopefulness and longing washed over him. What was he hopeful for – a joint birthday party? "Anything is possible with a magical bond."
There he goes again with the ambiguous statements. I turned to face the fire in slight annoyance. I prepared myself for his vagueness tonight, so I gathered all the courage I had left and bit the bullet. "What do you think will happen when our bond is broken?" I turned back to face him hesitantly, only to find him already staring at me. He had moved his massaging hands up to my shins and calves, working at the knots gently.
Several long moments passed before he took a deep breath to respond. "I don't know, Hazel." I felt a lump form in my throat, but I willed myself not to cry. Not yet, at least. "Do you think my…our…these feelings are solely influenced by the bond?" I stammered. I know what I think I feel, and I think I know what he feels. "I can't answer that."
I clenched my jaw and suppressed a huff. "Try." I fought not to break eye contact as he sighed heavily. "I think we cannot be sure how our feelings will eventuate post-bond."
Our. My heart swelled and burnt in my chest, and I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks, too. "We aren't certain why we are bonded." He continued slowly as he leant over, grabbed my waist, and lifted me astride him. "We do not know what will happen when our bond is broken." He slipped his hands gently under my sweater and rubbed my back, causing goosebumps to spread across my skin. I could feel my nipples harden instantly, and my heart was hammering in my chest. "All we know is what we feel now."
"And what do you feel?" I asked quietly, barely a whisper. I was fidgeting and squirming on top of him, and I didn't know what to do with my hands, so I rested them awkwardly on my stomach. He slowly wrapped his hands around mine and brought them up to rest on his chest, directly over his heart. "Your key still resides here, and so do you." I let out a shaky breath as I started to tremble slightly.
His eyes were piercing into mine so intensely that it felt like they were heating up along with my cheeks. "However," he continued, "we must be prepared for what awaits us." He swallowed deeply as his hands continued to roam my bare back. I expected elusiveness and avoidance from him tonight. I couldn't have been more wrong. He was being more forthcoming than ever before.
I nodded and waited for him to continue. "Each hour, the war draws nearer. While we have this time together now, we will not be awarded the same privilege for long." My breathing became ragged, and my hands started to sweat. If all we have and all we know is right now, then I need him to hear the truth.
"What I said in the Astronomy Tower…"
"Don't." He stopped me. It wasn't harsh, but it stung no less. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. "I know what you said, and I know what you…" he hesitated, looking between my eyes, "what we feel right now." Right now. Just a moment ago, right now felt like the best time to admit that I love him. Now, however, it feels like a veiled threat. As though, at any moment, these feelings will be ripped clean, leaving us beaten, bloody, and stranded.
"But you said that all we know is what we feel now." I began to tremble atop him again, but this time it was out of frustration. He squeezed my waist to ease the trembling, but it only caused my anxiety to increase. "Why would you say that and then not admit to what we are feeling?"
A deafening silence ensued. All that could be heard were our ragged breaths and the crackling fire. It was akin to torture. I could practically see his mental drawers working overtime, trying to stow away every emotion that might reveal too much, and my heart was aching.
I pressed down onto his chest to push myself off his lap, but his hands swiftly clamped down onto my hips, halting my attempt. I opened my mouth to complain and protest, but his finger against my lips silenced me. "Words cannot be taken back, darling."
I didn't realise tears had started rolling down my cheeks until I felt his thumb swipe them away. He was not rejecting me, as I so often feared he would. Instead, we have circled back to right now, or rather, not right now. In a time when nothing is certain, I have never been more sure of my feelings, and it is paralysing.
"I don't care." I croaked out. His brows furrowed while his hands continued to cradle my face. "I don't care that words cannot be taken back. I don't care what will happen when this bond is broken." I said defiantly. He sighed heavily, tucking loose strands of hair behind my ears. "Hazel, please."
"No." I grabbed both his wrists and removed them from my face, and I felt his heart sink, but I was no longer anxious. Dropping his left hand to my waist, I pressed his right firmly against my chest, directly over my racing heart. I repeated the same gesture with my own hands, closing my eyes for a moment to focus on the heavy drum of his heartbeat beneath my palm.
"You might not be able to say it, but I can." I opened my eyes after a moment and focused on him. "I promised you my trust, my word, and me." I briefly thought back to the night he admitted his role in the war. In the midst of the chaos of his confession, I held onto my faith, and I will be damned if I let it go now. It was his turn to tremble now. My legs quaked from him struggling to keep still.
"I am promising you now, that even if this bond breaks and all our feelings amount to nothing, one thing will remain true. It doesn't matter if what we have now goes away because right now," I leant in and feathered a kiss across his lips, "I love you, Severus."