Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Leisure Suit Larry, or any of the characters from the franchise. I do not fully know how everyone relates to one another, and this work is complete fiction. I am not making any profit on this publication and do this mainly out of a love for the games.
The Spy Who Didn't Shag Me
Chapter 6: Not The Best Cruise.
Many people have stated that cruises are romantic, and cruising on the open seas does have its own charm to it. Of course, the name of the ship can help in that. One can argue that a ship with a romantic name like the Pacific Princess, or the nickname "The Love Boat", adds to that allure. Of course, there are names that might not sound romantic (for various reasons) and might make people wonder if they should jump ship. The Love Tub is one of those names, which is why they resorted to being prizes for a hokey game show like The Dating Connection. The parent company owning The Love Tub didn't help by only offering the cheap rooms for that.
The Love Tub, like many cruise ships, had various levels of rooms for their passengers. These usually ranged from the top-of-the-line rooms near the top of the ship, to slightly less luxurious rooms for casual tourists, to staff and crew lodgings (both being different since we talk of usually seen staff and the staff not usually seen by the passengers) to cheap lodgings. Some ships even have converted cargo areas turned into rooms. These last set of rooms were the ones given out on The Dating Connections (and also led to the ship being shut down and refitted in time to become the PMS Bouncy).
Larry, having never been on a cruise ship in his life until now, was enjoying the trip. He was also focused on the possibilities with Barbara Bimbo, whom he figured was in the room next to his. His room also had a door that linked the two rooms, and he was going to check on his partner for the cruise. He felt a smile cross his face, and then headed over to the door. He knocked on it, and started opening the door saying "Hello…"
His words stuck in his throat as he looked on. You see, what he had expected to see was the lovely lady with the easy on the eyes figure, Barbara Bimbo. What he saw, correction, who he saw was a full-figured woman sitting on the bed in the room. This woman was Mrs. Bimbo, Barbara's mother.
Now, I wish I could find more information on this Mrs. Bimbo, but I could not find much. The most promising lead in that matter was the fact that she was a widow many times over. As I was about to look into all those names, I found myself beset by several cease-and-desist orders, and possibly a death threat, but the latter was meant for someone else with the same name. All I was able to get for certain before that happened was that some of those names had been well off.
That being said, it had turned out that Mrs. Bimbo had borrowed the ticket due to her daughter not feeling well about the trip. This was a series of lies. Lie number one was that Barbara was not feeling well about the trip. Barbara was actually hooking up with her real choice, Mr. A.P. Wire aka Bachelor Number Three. This hook-up ended up in two twins, and Barbara milking him for everything he had. Rumor has it that shortly after the twins' birth, he faked his death and changed his name to something less manly like Lester.
The second lie was Mrs. Bimbo borrowing the ticket. You see, she actually took it since she had actually been watching the Lucky Life Lotto show, and saw Larry win the grand prize. She was already planning her next marriage, as well as next widowing. She saw this as the perfect opportunity to add to her wealth, as well as have some fun.
Now, while Mrs. Bimbo was explaining all this to Larry, he was busy processing the fact that his daydreams for this trip were being destroyed at that very moment. Larry wasn't against full figured women, as long as they were visually appealing in his mind. He'd also been aware of the acronym MILF (which is short for Mother I'd Like to get to know better. I know you are still reading this those of you who shouldn't be.) Mrs, Bimbo didn't tick either of those boxes. In fact, something in Larry was telling him to beware.
Now, Larry made a polite excuse, and made his way back into his room, and closed the door. He then made sure the door was locked. He needed to salvage this cruise, and avoid Mrs. Bimbo, or Momma as she let Larry know as he left the room. He looked over some of the items he had with him and decided on his next course of action. He was going to the ship's pool. It would most likely be the best place to find a woman like Barbara Bimbo. (Frankly, almost any woman would be preferable to Momma Bimbo.) So Larry stepped out of the eyeline of any keyhole, and the porthole, just in case Momma Bimbo was spying on him, and got into his Speedo.
While he got into his Speedo, Momma Bimbo had left her room, heading to check on the rest of the ship. We will never know what she was up to, since no one who had been on the ship cared to remark about her. Larry only suspected she had left the room, since the door to her cabin closed rather loudly. So, he decided to snoop on his neighbor.
Snooping on one's neighbor, or snooping when visiting, is not smiled upon, unless you are a detective. This is sometimes a gray area, but in this case, it is very understandable. While Larry didn't feel immediately threatened, he did wonder if there was something she was hiding. Now, being ready for the pool, he could move around the room without alerting anyone he would be in there. He opened the door joining the rooms and snuck in with more skill than he would normally have.
The first thing he checked out was the nightstand by the bed. Now, he did expect to find a bible in the drawer, as for some reason, one is always in the drawer of any hotel, motel, or cruise cabin a person stays in. What he wasn't expecting to find was a drawer full of Momma Bimbo's unmentionables, with a sewing kit right on top. Larry then opened the nearby cabinet and was shocked by what he saw.
Inside the cabinet was a bunch of paraphernalia that would fit in at an alternative lifestyle club. It was also obvious to anyone with an inkling of that lifestyle that these items were to be used on a submissive male. Now, if one was truly into that lifestyle, they know how to use them not to cause a lot of harm. Larry also wasn't against that lifestyle, as long as the lady was appealing to look at in that attire. Given how Momma Bimbo spoke when she greeted him, Larry decided he did not want to be on the receiving end of that love, so he closed the cabinet and drawer, but not without nabbing the sewing kit.
Once Larry was out of Momma Bimbo's cabin, he stowed the sewing kit in his leisure suit, and got out of the cabin as quickly as he could. It was time to hit the pool, and so he made sure he had his sunscreen with him and headed out. Now when Larry left his room, he headed down the short hall before climbing up to another hall and heading towards the bow of the ship. Once he reached another set of steps up to the deck the pool was on, he headed to the stern of the ship.
Now, pools on cruise ships are usually very nice, and are usually a decent size for all the possible guests to use. For some reason, this was not the case for this pool. This pool looked like it belongs in a backyard. In fact, there weren't many deck chairs for catching a nice tan in. Larry was not going to let this set him back, so he put on some sunscreen, and jumped in the pool.
Early sunscreen had the flaw of not being waterproof, and easily washed off. Still, Larry didn't give this a second thought due to his age. The only plus was that the pool was refreshingly cool. He even dived underwater, where he made an amazing discovery. Deep down, caught in drain, Larry spotted one of the holy grails in the world of swimming. Somehow, a blue bikini top had ended up stuck in the pool's drain. That meant some poor well-endowed lady had lost it, and there might be a reward for its return.
While Larry dove to the bottom of the pool to retrieve the top, while accidentally peeing in the pool (Let's face it, we've all done it at least once), the lady who had lost the top was actually hiding in her room. She had been in the pool after the ship had embarked on its planned cruise route when she spotted a helicopter circling. She was actually a spy and was well aware of who Dr. Nonookie was. She had actually managed to delay his plans by posing as one of his Henchettes. She had seen what happened to one of them who had managed to disobey him twice. It hadn't been pretty, and she didn't want to even think about it. (I am not about to go into what happened to the poor woman, but let's just say as it started, she wished she wasn't so well endowed.) The spy didn't care that she was running through the ship topless to her cabin, and hoped none of Nonookie's Henchettes were going to find her there. She was also unaware of the few KGB agents on the ship, but they had taken pictures of her running past, deciding to leave her be for the time being, since the pictures would entertain them for a while.
At this point, Larry had surfaced from the depths of the pool with the top in his hands. Before getting out, he looked over the ladies, and couldn't see one who lost their bra. This was a disappointment to him (actually two, but we aren't going into not seeing a topless woman right now). Still, he wasn't about to hand over the top to someone else since he was certain he'd get a nice reward for returning it. He went over to the open deck chair, putting on some more sunscreen, and laid down on it with the bra top under him. He was going to get a tan and watch for the lady to return.
During this time, a lovely blonde in a white bikini came out to the pool. In fact, this attire, coupled with that she had been treated to Dr. Nonookie's device, made her irresistible to men. This was evident as every man she had passed on the way to the pool suffered extreme embarrassment, as well as some of those men suffered very painful retaliation from their ladies. A few of the more daring ones even tried to hit on her, but she was focused on one hapless fool and his onklunk. (Stop snickering. I'm talking about an actual instrument, and not something else.)
Now, when she approached Larry laying on his deck chair, and used her feminine wilds on him, she had a bunch of things against her. First off was the fact that when she approached Larry, the sun was at her back. This was bad since it meant her white bikini, which was the same kind of white as the preferred T-shirts in wet T-shirt contests, couldn't get the full transparent look from sunlight.
The second item that was working against her was the fact that Larry's mind was still on the woman with a missing bikini top. In his mind, he was thinking he'd have a better chance with her than this woman. And while the sun was at her back, Larry could tell she had a bikini top on.
The last item working against her was the fact that Larry was also pondering what to do to avoid Mamma Bimbo. If he could not end up spending the night in another room, he was going to have to take some drastic actions to escape the ship. He figured he wasn't losing much since the trip was a prize, although thanks to where his cabin was, figuring a way off the ship wouldn't be a major loss on his part. He just would need some things, as well as to make things look like he wasn't planning to depart.
When the lady was done with her flirting and hoped that Larry picked up on it (which if she weren't ordered to do this for Dr. Nonookie, she wouldn't have tried to pick up Larry), she headed back into the ship to make her way back to the helicopter. She added a sashay to her walk, which resulted in several nosebleeds and a shortage of tissues and lotion on the ship until it reached port. It also resulted in at least two divorces of newlyweds on their honeymoons. By the time she reached the helicopter, she looked back to see if Larry was coming after her. Fortunately for Larry, and unfortunately for her, Larry hadn't taken the bait, and she would be punished by Dr. Nonookie for her failure.
Larry, however, finished getting his tan, and to his dismay, never saw the woman who had lost her top. He decided, however, that maybe their loss could be to his benefit. He had been pondering his dilemma that whole time, as well as tried to recall the blonde who had come up to him while suntanning. He wondered if he should try to figure out what room she was in but decided against it. He didn't have much time to get a plan together and initiate it. He needed to figure a way off the ship, and quickly unless he was going to fall prey to Mamma Bimbo.