Chapter 4

Buzzing wakes me up from my slumber. I groan as I glance at the alarm clock next to my air mattress. 11:09…how have I gotten in such a trend of sleeping in this late? Even in high school I was up by 8…but I also didn't dread existing nearly so much in high school. The buzzing stops and I breathe a sigh of relief before it immediately starts buzzing again. I press the side button to silence the phone and close my eyes again. When my phone starts to buzz a third time, I huff and yank the phone off the charger and pull it up to my ear. "Hello?" I answer angrily.

"Aly?" Tyler's voice sounds through the phone. "Did I…wake you up?"

"Yeah, you did," I say bitterly.

"Alyson…I know it's just past 7 here but isn't that what…11 there?" Tyler says, concern in his voice. "What are you doing sleeping in so late? You're the one who's always up early."

"I haven't been sleeping well," I grumble. I'm not exactly lying, I think to myself. It's hard to sleep when you have flashbacks and dread fills you to the point you have physical pain.

There's a pause on the other end before Tyler says, "I'm sorry you're not sleeping. Is there anything you could do or take that would help?"

"No," I answer bluntly. "So, what did you want?"

"Oh…I just wanted to call and check in," Tyler says. "I hadn't heard from you in a little bit."

"Haven't I told you that I don't need to be checked on like a little kid?" I growl. "I'm not someone you need to look after. I did fine by myself for ten years without your help."

Another pause. I almost end the call before I hear Tyler say, "I'm sorry, Alyson. I didn't mean to push you…I just miss you and I just worry when you're not yourself."

"You didn't seem to miss me all that much those three years you stayed at Fireweed and didn't let me visit," I say, venom dripping from my words.

I almost hear a gasp from the other end. Silence fills the room again and I end the call. I ball my fists in anger before I hear Tyler's Voice in my head, "Aly…I'm so sorry I'm hurting you…I didn't mean to…how can I make this better?"

I gasp. What did I do…what did I say to him? "I just attacked my brother for worrying about me…for being a good brother," I whisper to myself. Guilt grips my chest in a vice as I curl into myself. I try to pick up the phone and call him back or even talk to him in our Voice and I can't bring myself to. I deserve to lose him after what I did…I don't deserve his forgiveness. I dig my nails into my arms as I fall into the fetal position on the mattress and sob, trying to breathe through the unbearable guilt that has seeped into my gut and burns it like acid.

I ball my hands into fists as a couple tears trickle down my face. "What did I do?" I whisper to myself. "What did I do to make you hate me?" I pick up the phone and start to throw it and stop myself. I unlock it and dial Michael's number.

"Hey you," he answers after a couple rings. "What's up?"

"When do you get off today?" I say just above a whisper, my voice strained.

"What's wrong, Ty?" he asks, his voice concerned.

"What did I do to push Alyson away, Michael?" I ask, more tears trickling down my face. "I called her today and she just attacked me…she threw me being gone in my face and I thought we had gotten past that. She just sounded so angry and cold…I feel like I'm losing my sister."

There's a pause on the phone. "Babe…I'm so sorry," Michael's voice comes through, full of sympathy. "I wish I could be there right now to hold you. Do you think I could try calling her later today and if that would help?"

"I don't know," I mutter. "It was like I was talking to an entirely different person. I just don't know what I did…is it really from me not coming back after I graduated? Or not letting her visit at Fireweed?"

"No," Michael says, his voice not losing its concerned tone, "I don't think she's attacking you per say. I know it feels like that…but it almost sounds like she may just be lashing out at anyone at this point."

"But why?" I ask. "Why would she lash out?"

Michael lets out a sigh. "When I went through what I did back in 2011, I had gotten into a bad enough place mentally that I lashed out at everyone. Their only offense was trying to interact with me and I would snap at them."

I pause, hoping he wasn't implying what I think he is. "Was this before you…"

"Yeah…it was," Michael says, his voice almost strained. "I'll give her some time to calm down and I'll try calling her. Maybe talking to someone who has been through it will help."

"I sure hope so," I say, letting out a shaky sigh.

"I'll be off soon," Michael says. "Let me go finish my shift so I can get out of here, okay? Hang in there…we're not going to lose her. I love you."

I nod, "I love you too." The line goes dead and I put my face in my hands. Never in my life, even after Mary Ann died, have I felt so hopeless.

"Aly? You changing?" Avi calls out as she knocks on the bedroom door.

"No," I call out, trying to mask the breakdown I just had. I wipe my face and sniff before saying, "Come in!"

The door opens and Avi walks in, her dog Harper following in behind her and walking over to lick my face. I pat her head as Avi's eyes grow wide, "We had planned on leaving now to go work on the classroom! I thought you were getting ready!"

"I know, I'm sorry," I say, hanging my head. "I had a really rough night last night." Harper sits in my lap and I clutch her, trying to hide my face.

"You're fine, I'm sorry I snapped at you," Avi says, crouching down and putting a hand on my shoulder. "Do you think you could get ready in the next few minutes and then we'll head out?"

I nod, "Yeah, give me like ten minutes tops."

Avi smiles, "Alright, I'll meet you down at the car. And we can grab food on the way, okay?" I nod as she stands to walk out of the room, calling out, "Love you, Aly!"

"Love you too," I mutter. I don't know why you do, though, I think to myself.

We manage to get to the school by noon, even with grabbing food. We walk in with our bags of food and Avi immediately goes to her desk to check her computer and I walk over to the table where I had left the sign I had sketched out. I pull out my food and sort of pick at it as I stare at the sign. Painting that seems so daunting right now.

Avi finishes up her lunch and throws her wrappers away. She turns to me and says, "I can start organizing my library if you want to work on the sign?"

I pause before shaking my head, "Why don't I bring the sign home? It seems like a lot for whatever reason today…could I help you with the library instead?"

Avi tilts her head but nods, "Of course! Finish up your lunch and come join me!" I look down at my barely touched food. I try to get myself to eat the rest but I can't stomach it. Soon I abandon it and walk over to help Avi organize the books.

"You're doing it wrong," Michael says with a sigh. "You're supposed to cut them at an angle."

"I am cutting them at an angle!" I call back as I make another chop. "Besides, how exactly can someone cut carrots wrong?"

"When you need a specific shape for the recipe to work," Michael says with an eyeroll. "Let me just do it." He nudges me out of the way and takes the knife and starts to chop the carrots.

"Works for me!" I say with a smirk. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out and answer, "Hello?"

"Hey, Ty!" Avi's voice comes through. "It's Avi!"

"Hey! How's my favorite cousin?" I say.

"I know you say that to Chloe too," Avi says in a sarcastic tone. I chuckle before she asks, "So, my best friend, Amber, won some tickets to one of those Painting with a Twist places. She had four and she was going to invite me and Chloe and take her husband but since he really doesn't want to go, she thought about Alyson instead. Do you think that's something she would like?"

"Oh, I think she would love that!" I say excitedly. "She loves to draw and paint!"

"That's what I was thinking!" Avi says, matching my excitement. "She's been down lately and I was wanting to find a way to cheer her up and I thought this might just be the thing!"

"I think you're right!" I say. "Let me know what she says and send me pictures!"

"Will do!" Avi says. "Thanks Tyler! Love you!"

"Love you too!" I say as I end the call.

"What is Aly going to love?" Michael asks, not looking up from his carrots.

"Avi's friend has tickets to a Painting with a Twist place," I say. "She's offering one to Aly."

"Oh, she would love that!" Michael says, finally looking up. "Do you think she'll go?"

"I think it will be telling either way," I say, letting out a sigh. "If she says no, something is really wrong."

"Let me know what Avi says when she texts you," Michael says. "If she turns it down, I'm going to call her. If they go without her, she doesn't need to be entirely alone anyway."

"I agree," I say. "But I'm hoping this might be something that will help…if she lets it." Michael nods, his eyes return to the carrots. I watch him for a moment before asking, "Now, exactly how is that different from what I was doing?"

"In just about every way!" Michael calls back. I groan as I prepare for the cooking lecture.

I stare at Avi's x-acto knife on her desk as I hear a knock on the door. "Come in," I call out numbly. I look up to see Avi's face in the doorway as the door swings open. "What's up?"

"So, I have a proposition for you," Avi says, a small smile forming on her face. "Amber got some tickets to a Painting with a Twist place. She has four, she was going to ask me and Chloe and bring Jared but since he doesn't want to go, she thought of you. She was going to try and go tonight. Would you want to go?"

The idea sounds amazing. I've always wanted to go to one of those places. Rationally, I know I would love going and right up my ally but dread fills my gut and prevents me from saying yes. No matter how much I try, I can't bring myself to say yes…and I painfully shake my head "no". "I'm sorry, Av…I just can't tonight," I say, my throat already starting to strain.

She looks at me concerned, "Are you sure? I know this is something you would love."

"It is," I say, looking away. "I just can't go today."

Avi frowns and crouches down in front of me, "Why don't we stay in and do something here? We could just sit and talk or watch a movie or something?"

I shake my head, "No, you guys go. I would feel awful if I kept you from going. Have fun, I'll see you when you get back."

Avi doesn't move for a moment. She wraps her arms around me and whispers, "I wish you would tell me what's going on."

I shake my head, "I'm okay. I'm just really tired."

Avi finally releases me before saying, "I'm at least leaving Harper out of the cage to keep you company. She'd love to cuddle with you and take a nap. And call me if you need anything."

I nod, "I will." Avi squeezes my shoulder before walking out. She sends Harper into the bedroom a few minutes later and the Rottweiler comes over and licks my cheek before curling up at the end of the air mattress. I let out a sigh before laying down next to her on the mattress. I lay my head on her and quickly fall asleep.

I'm not sure how long I've slept when my phone goes off. I pick it up and notice the name on the screen. "Why is Michael calling me?" I mutter to myself before pulling the phone up to my ear, "Hello?"

"Hey Aly," Michael says. "How are you?"

"I have a feeling you have an idea what that answer is if you're calling me," I say sarcastically.

Michael chuckles, "You know me too well. But why didn't you go with them to the painting place tonight?"

"How did you know about that?" I ask, confused.

"I have my ways," Michael says with a chuckle. "No, Avi called Tyler to see if it's something you would have enjoyed and we all know it's something you would have. Avi texted him and said you didn't go so I want to know why."

I close my eyes, feeling the pain rise in my chest. "It hurt so much to say no," I say with a strained voice.

"But not as much as it felt like it would hurt to get up and go?" Michael says calmly.

I nod, "It just hurts so much. I don't feel like I can do anything."

"You can't sit around and just do nothing or sleep," Michael says, his tone concerned. "You need to get up and do something. Take a shower, write, hey, maybe even finish that sign you started for Avi. You brought it home, didn't you?"

"Yeah," I answer. "I could try."

"Unless you want to tell me what's going on in your head?" Michael says calmly. "What is causing you to hurt so much?"

I let out a sob, "I can't, Michael. I'm not even sure I know."

There is a pause before Michael says, "It's still good to try. Even if it's just voicing what you're feeling even if you don't know why."

I shake my head, "I can't. I think I'll break."

"Well…you know you can talk to me whenever you need to," Michael says. "And the same goes for Chloe, Avi, and Tyler. We all love you, Aly."

"I'm not so sure about Tyler," I say with a sigh. "I was so hateful to him last time he called me."

"I can promise you that he still loves you," Michael says. "You aren't pushing him away that easily." He pauses before saying, "Don't keep it all bottled up though, Ronan. Let it out, even if it's part of it, someway. Draw, paint, write, talk…whatever you need. But don't shove it down and wait for it to go away, okay?"

I nod, "I'll try. Thank you, Michael."

"Of course, Aly," he says. "I'm here if you need me, okay?"

I let out a small smile, "Love you."

"Love you too," he says before the line goes dead. I let out a sigh, He's right, I need to get up and do something. I stand up and step over the still sleeping Harper and grab my bag with my paints and Avi's sign in it. I clear off her desk and lay down a table cloth and set the sign on top of that. I pull out my paints and start getting to work. I feel the guilt and dread slowly numb away as I start painting. Michael was right…this does help. I breathe a content sigh as I continue to paint.

I continue to make good progress when Harper comes over and nudges my arm. I jolt, dripping a drop of paint onto a corner of the canvas. "Harper!" I yell and she looks up at me with puppy dog eyes. I sigh and pat her on the head for a moment. "I'm sorry I yelled but I need to finish this. I'll pet you after." I reach over to grab a paper towel and knock the roll into my water cup, tipping it over as the water splashes over the paint, smearing it and ruining the work I've done. Before I can contain it, burning anger fills my being as I yell "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! Damn it!" I throw the roll of paper towels at Harper and yell, throwing all of my things to the ground and picking up the sign and smashing it against the wall. It snaps in two and falls to the ground as I fall to my knees and punch the floor. "Damn it, damn it, damn it!" I look up and around at the mess I've made, my eyes first landing on the snapped sign before noticing Harper cowering in the corner. She's afraid of me…I'm becoming my mother. I start hyperventilating and tears rush down my face. My eyes catch the x-acto knife and I grab it off the desk. I roll up my sleeve and remove the sheath when a black and brown muzzle rests on my arm. I look down at Harper as a tear lands on her nose. She reaches up and licks my cheek and I set the knife down. "I think I know why Avi had you stay in here with me," I whisper. Her little stub of a tail wiggles as I wrap my arms around her. She lets herself collapse onto my chest and I clutch her tight. "What am I going to tell your mom about this?" I ask her. She licks my chin as I burry my face in her fur. What is wrong with me? I feel like I'm becoming a monster. I eventually curl up into a ball as guilt rips at my chest.