Chapter seventeen: tired

November

She had expected to be out breath as she looked for their meadow. She had lost track of time after a few hours, getting stuck in her head as memory after memory crashed into her. She was having a bad week, the loss of him hitting her harder than it had in a while. The thought of becoming like him without him shattered her heart beyond compare. She tried not to think about her future, the possibility of becoming a vampire without anyone to share eternity with made a deep panic creep into her chest. The thought of such loneliness made her feel painfully hollow.

The combination of intense feelings swirling around in her body made her stop in her track, clutching at her chest, her nails digging into the skin of chest, close to the thick red scar which permanently resided on her skin now.

"Fuck!" She shouted loudly into the forest, several birds flying away from some trees a few yards away. "I'm so sick of this!" her breathing loud and laboured, her chest heaving. Staring at her pale, shaking hands. She felt the turmoil inside her chest creep between her ribs and surround her heart painfully, making her gasp in pain as her heart radiated with an icy heat. The pain ebbed and crept around her heart, between her ribs. It felt like a blanket of icy heat making its way out of her, pushing against her insides until it pushed from her. She felt like a damn burst over, like she was coming up from air after being under the water for hours. Her skin broke out in goosebumps as the wave of icy pain ruptured from her body into the air around her without her being able to do anything about it. She watched with horror as she felt the icy pressure lash out without her being able to do anything about it until a tree just a few feet from her cracked and fell over.

"No." She heaved as she felt a sob making its way into her throat, feeling her hands shake and her chest tighten. She felt dizzy and overwhelmed as the icy pressure returned to her body, wrapping painfully around her heart again. Latching itself somewhere between her ribs.

Sobs overtook her body and tears streamed down her cheeks as her legs gave out and she lost herself into the whirlwind of emotions in her chest as her head swirled.

She found herself sitting on frosty grass, resting against the wet bark of a tree a few days later. Her feet should have been bothering her after going for such long walks, but she felt fine. The cold didn't bother her anymore but she had put on her thick jacket anyway so Charlie wouldn't worry when she entered the house after her walk. She sat watching the clouds of her breath make their way into the rare, pale blue sky. Forks had been enjoying a rare, rainless period late November. Even though the temperatures were freezing, the sun was out almost all day until it got dark late afternoon. She would come back from work before Charlie and leave the house as quickly as she could, wandering mindlessly through the forest in the hope of finding their meadow. But she hadn't had any luck so far. She still felt tired, but she didn't feel worse. She often forgot to eat until Charlie would question her and she had started to lie just so he wouldn't worry more than he already did.

"Maybe you should have your blood checked Bella." She almost choked on the large gulp of water she had just drank during dinner. "What? Why?"

"You've been looking worse lately."

"Are you insinuating that I've been looking bad?"

"You know what I mean Bella, you haven't been looking like yourself for a while now, since they-"

"I know." She interrupted him. "Maybe I should take some iron or vitamin D supplements or something." She chuckled tensely.

He looked at her for a few more seconds before shaking his head and grunting to himself.

She leant her head back and released another tired breath. The icy pressure she sometimes felt inside of her had been lost to her just days after she broke down in the forest. She would come out into the forest every day and stalked into the forest. Partly to search for their meadow and partly to figure out what the hell was happening inside of her. Some side of her wanted to find out what exactly was happening to her but there was even bigger part of her that was scared of what she would eventually find out.

"I'm not sure about his, Bella." Jacob said tensely as Jacob, Sam and Bella walked through the forest on the final day of icy cold temperatures and blue skies. The weather forecast had predicted buckets of rain would start falling from the sky again starting after midnight, so she had asked them to meet her in the forest behind the house to test a theory.

"I'm giving you permission to make me angry, what's there to not be sure about?"

"Because I know how you get now when you get angry, Bells and quite frankly I don't want to do that."

"I thought you guys had agreed to help me figure out what this thing is which is happening to me?"

"What if getting you angry changes something?"

"I seriously doubt it, I've been angry with you many times before or have you forgotten?"

He chuckled and flushed with guilt.

"You're the one who made the link between my emotions and this weird thing that's been happening when I lose control of them. So do your worst, I'm giving you permission to anger me or wind me up or whatever it is that you want to do to get me angry."

Sam sighed behind them and eyed Jacob, "Maybe you should've asked Paul to help you out."

"You know as good as I do that Paul can't control himself when he gets angry, especially when Bella's there." Jacob bit back.

Bella felt her jaw clench and teeth grind together as she glared at him. "Just do it already. Goad me."

"Bella-"

"I need to find out what this is."

"Do you really think it is a good idea to focus on negative emotions to figure this out?" Sam added.

"When did you become some sort of guru?" She almost sneered at him, "I can figure out all these things later. I just need to figure out what it is first."

Jacob grit his teeth and stepped forward brashly before pushing her right shoulder with less force than she expected him to.

She raised his brow at him, "Seriously, a barely there push?"

"For someone normal that would've been a regular push." He said, not breaking eye contact. Sam eyed him with doubt.

Jacob sighed and gripped his hair, "I can't do this Bella, I don't want to hurt you again."

"It doesn't matter, Jacob. I'm giving your permission to goad me. I won't hold it against you."

"Fine, I'll anger you." he said as something snapped into place in his eyes, "I disagree with you, I think we need to Find the Cullens so they can help you, your feelings be damned."

"Jacob-" Sam started with a hand on his shoulder, Jacob shrugged it off and hissed at him "Just let me do this, she needs this right now."

"As much as you hate to admit it, you need them."

"I don't-"

"You will need them Bella. Who's going to guide you? Teach you how to resist? We sure as hell can't and you know it."

"But we-" Her breathing hitched and panic filled her as Jacob started voicing her unspoken fears.

"You will end up all alone. You'll feel miserable for the rest of your ridiculously long life."

"Jacob-"

"You need them. You're barely functioning like a normal person without them as it is."

She tried to reach for the iciness, her body shaking and she clenched her eyes shut and felt her shoulders shake, trying the channel the pressure she had felt before as Jacob pushed her again a little bit harder this time, "I can't-" She grit out.

"Try harder." He said harshly. "What would Edward think if he saw you like this? He would be disappointed that you-"

Her heart clenched when his name reached her ears. "It's not working." She shouted with frustration as the whirlwind of pressure barely moved and didn't reach Jacob or Sam. It made her sink to her knees with exhaustion. She clutched her head between her hands as her chest heaved with momentum but nothing happened.

"Bella, maybe you shouldn't force this." Sam said, placing an almost tender hand on her shoulder as he crouched down in front of her shaking form. "Maybe it's too soon."

She stared at him and closed her teary eyes with defeat, looking up at the sky as Jacob also crouched down in front of her with flushed cheeks and sad eyes.

"You know I didn't mean any of-"

"I know." She murmured, not wanting to meet their eyes. "I think I'd like to be alone now, if you don't mind."

They sighed but nodded solemnly, "You'll figure it out Bella, just take you time."

"By the way," Sam started as they walked away from her, "We haven't smelled a cold one since the accident. The forest should still be safe for you."

"Thank you." She whispered as she wrapped her arms around her chest.

She felt numb as the sky above her got darker and darker. She was laying down flat on the ground, her arms spread out next to her like a starfish. She almost felt like she had been sedated, she didn't feel sad, she didn't feel angry, she didn't feel depressed. She didn't feel anything anymore as she laid there, she just felt numb and a deep nothingness which had spread coldly through her body.

A few tears slipped down the side of her face.

"How much longer." She whispered into the cold air, unaware of bright red, curious eyes spying on her from many yards away with an angry scowl. He leaned against the bark in the high tree he was hiding in and took out a cracked, little Nokia phone he had been given after he had crushed the previous one when he had forgotten to mind his strength.

They still can't smell me.

He texted to the only number in the phone. The phone didn't make a sound when he received his reply a mere second afterwards.

Good.