Chapter eighteen: Hello, goodbye

December

Charlie had hauled in a slightly too large Christmas tree as soon as Thanksgiving had passed, the house smelled cosily of pine needles and festivity but Bella, just like the year before, couldn't bring herself to feel festive or much at all. Edward had been on her mind again night and day. The moments that she was finally able to fall asleep, would be filled with either painful memories or painful fabrications of her own mind. The festive period made her wonder what Christmas with him or with them would have been like. She still looked sickly to everyone around her but she tried to hide it with fake smiles and insincere conversations. She had started wearing blush, something she had never thought she would willingly do since she had a certain aversion to makeup, but it made her face look more alive so she had driven to Port Angeles after a shift in the library to pick up something which matched her natural blush as closely as possible.

Jacob had looked at her with a frown when he had seen her with it, "You look different again, what is it?"

"She's wearing makeup, idiot." Paul had sneered at him, "Can't you smell it?"

"You can smell makeup?" She asked curiously, Paul wiggled his eyebrows at her, "We sure can. Nail polish is the worst though. So please don't start with that shit."

"But how does it work?"

"We don't know." Sam said, "We have a very sensitive sense of smell." He studied her face with a frown, "The makeup is a good idea, you look less-"

"Dead." Paul chuckled.

"I was going to say pale and tired." He bit back, glaring at Paul.

Leah had winked at her from across the camp fire and stood up to come and sit next to her, snow was falling around them but the circle around the fire and logs they were sitting on was free of snow. Most of them shirtless and unbothered by the cold. Bella was just wearing a dark green sweater and a pair of wide legged jeans, she rested her head on her hand and tried not to focus on the conversations around her. She was able to hear and focus on everyone talking around her and found herself wondering if this is what they used to feel like which inevitably made her mind wander to him, as she wondered what it was like for him to hear everyone's voices all the time.

"You're thinking about him again, aren't you?" Leah said gently as she sat down next to her. Bella smiled weakly, closed her eyes and rested her head on Leah's shoulder, who hissed in return. Bella instantly sat up again, wondering what she might have done wrong when Leah smiled sheepishly, "I'm sorry," she started, "Your cheek is just very cold and I'm very warm."

Bella blushed deeply and looked down, muttering an apology making Leah laugh as she pulled her head back to her shoulder. "It's alright Bella, it doesn't matter."

"Well," Paul said lazily sitting across from her on the other side of the fire, "at least we'll know very quickly when you're more leech than human."

Bella frowned, "What do you mean?"

He snorted as he drank from a beer, "Your face turns completely red when you're embarrassed Swan, I don't think there are many leeches who turn bright red when they're embarrassed."

She smiled sadly at him, feeling a sudden gust of tiredness crashing into her. She sagged further into Leah who placed a hesitant hand on Bella's shoulder. "You can sleep if you want." She said quietly.

"Really, come on Leah-"

"You know as well as I do that she barely sleeps these days. Just leave her."

He shrugged but didn't take his eyes off them as Bella quickly fell into a slumber with Leah's warm shoulder beneath her cheek and the warmth of the fire warming her body.

"Just try to imagine what it's like for her." Leah said quietly, still eyeing Paul with annoyance, "She's dead on her feet but is barely able to sleep most nights."

Paul shifted his gaze.

She had slept for a full three hours in front of the heat of the fire. She had been slightly groggy when she had woken up, making her the laughing stock of another one of Paul's jokes but she didn't mind. She'd rather have him tease her with good humour than hate her with all his might.

She smiled sadly to herself as thought back of the latest camp fire, moving swiftly through the forest without taking in her surroundings.

She didn't know how long she had been walking but she roused from her mind when she almost lost her footing due to a low hanging branch. As she pushed it aside and glanced around she froze and gasped with deep, painful grief filling her chest.

She had finally stumbled upon their meadow. She gasped as she stumbled into the clearing, looking around trying to soak up every inch of the place. The flowers were long gone now, which was to be expected in the beginning of December. As she stood in the middle of the clearing, a sudden streak of sunlight made its way through the dense, grey clouds above her. Falling directly onto the middle of the place.

She looked at how pale her skin had gotten, glad she didn't shimmer or sparkle like they did, not yet at least. She could hear more and more in the forest around her but tried to block it out by focussing on the barely there vision of him which had suddenly appeared in front of her. Her breathing stocked in her throat. She didn't dare look at his dark eyes, wishing she could see his golden eyes burn for her once again.

"I haven't seen you in so long." She murmured out loud as she took several calculated steps to stand closer to his see-through shape. "I must be going mad." She murmured to herself, but he grimaced just the same.

She just stood there for a while, watching him watching her. She wondered why this kept happening to her, why did she keep seeing him? Why would he only appear in certain situations but not when she asked, begged for him.

"Are you leaving me again?" She said to the Edward in front of her, he was more see through then he had even been before. More ghost like than the last time she had laid her eyes upon him. This is the last time I'll be seeing him like this, she thought with a painful pang in her chest.

"No." He said, she gasped. This form of him barely ever spoke while she was awake, unless she was in some sort of danger. "Of course not." He added gently, his voice the way she always used to liked it.

"But you're disappearing." She said as she focused on his eyes, they were still pitch black making her want to cringe for him, knowing he always used to hurt more the darker his eyes got.

He grinned sadly at her and looked down before whispering, "Lay down."

She smiled sadly and kept her tears at bay, laying back in the damp grass underneath her. The sun was soft and warm as it reached her face. "Whenever you're alone or sad, remember to take a breath and close your eyes every now and then. Because I will always be there."

She sobbed quietly. "Close your eyes." His voice sounded even more distant.

She shook her head against the grass and coldness surrounding her. A few tears escaping her eyes, "When I close my eyes you'll be gone, won't you?"

"You only have to look into your mind to see my face. I'll always be there." And so she finally closed her eyes and didn't open them for over twenty minutes. When she did, he was gone and a single tear remained on her cheek.

Bella didn't realise how she retreated back into her mind again. Charlie became even more worried then before, just like he had done over a year ago when the Cullens had left and she had become near comatose for way too long. He had almost skipped Christmas entirely but wanted her to have as much normalcy as possible. Which is why he went all out again this year. He had had to cut off an inch or four from the top with flushed cheeks and a laughing Jacob and Billy in the background since he had miscalculated the length of the tree.

He had almost had a heart attack when she had stumbled into the house way after dark, just twenty minutes after Jacob and Billy had left. Her face blank and her eyes lost, just like last year.

"Bella?" He asked gently, noticing how long it took her to reply.

"Dad?"

"Is everything okay?"

Tears filled her eyes, "I just-" She angrily wiped away the first few tears escaping her eyes, "I just realised that he's really left. That I won't see him again and I know it's been-"

He didn't let her finish before quietly striding over to her and enveloping her into a tight, warm hug. He swore against her hair, kissing the crown of her head, "You're freezing Bella, let's get you into the shower."

Bella didn't react but moved when her dad placed his hands on her shoulders, carefully urging her towards the bathroom. He turned on the shower and pressed two towels into her hands, pinching her chin and moving her head slightly upwards so she would meet his gaze. "You're okay. Take a shower and come down when you're warmed up. I'll make you some tea."

She nodded briefly as he closed the door. She could hear him sigh deeply and mumble as she moved down the stairs, "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch if I ever lay my hands on him again."

Bella's breath hitched with the absurd image of Charlie beating up Edward filling her head as she took off her clothes and got herself into the shower. She still didn't feel cold at all.