A/N: ***Trigger warning: this chapter contains self harm***

Chapter 18

Emma walked through the forest silently, her eyes fixed on the deer a few yards away. She slowly loaded an arrow into her bow, taking aim. She held a deep breath as she released the arrow, watching as it soared through the air, striking its target in the throat and killing the animal instantly. She walked over to the dead animal on the ground, tying her worn rope around the deer's hind legs and hoisting it into the air with practice ease. Positioning the bucket under the deer's head, she pulled the arrow from its neck, hearing a not so subtle cracking of wood. She cursed under her breath as she looked down to see the broken arrow in her hand, the tip still lodged in the deer.

That was Emma's last arrow.

She had tried to make her own arrows from pieces of wood from the forest but could never get the wood straight enough to allow flight, nor were they ever sharp enough to provide the deadly blow she needed. She sighed as she quickly slit the deer's throat, collecting its blood into the old bucket, the metal handle long since replaced with a length of rope. She sat on the ground and watched as the blood spilled into the bucket, her mind wandering to the same thoughts. Always the same thoughts.

Regina.

She always missed Regina, every moment of every day, but tonight she missed her even more. When the blood stopped flowing, she untied the deer, leaving the carcass for the wolves that frequented the area. She didn't know if they were natural wolves or Shapeshifters, but she didn't care either way. She was always happy to share her kills.

She slowly made her way back to the rapidly deteriorating cabin. It had been in shambles when she moved in, and now it should probably be condemned. A few yards away from the cabin, her foot got caught on a hidden root, causing her to trip slightly, somehow managing not to spill any of the blood she carried. After righting herself, she took a step forward, only to feel the weight of the bucket disappear suddenly. She watched in slow motion as the makeshift handle on the bucket finally snapped, spilling half the blood Emma just collected onto the dirty forest floor. Emma cursed loudly as she tried to salvage as much of the blood as she could. She continued to curse under her breath the rest of the way home as she awkwardly carried what was left back to the cabin, slamming the door behind her, hearing something behind her crack.

Today wasn't the day for things to go wrong. Today of all days she needed things to go a little smoother. Just for one day she needed to not worry about life, so she could focus on one thing.

Regina.

She emptied what was left in the bucket into the few glass jars she still had left, realizing one had a small crack in it as blood started to seep out and drip down the glass. She cursed once more as she quickly tried to transfer the blood from the cracked jar into cups from the kitchen, trying (and failing) to avoid spilling any on the floor.

Today is hard enough, I don't need this shit on top of everything, she thought to herself, taking a sip out of one of the mugs. She didn't know what she was going to do now that she was out of arrows. She had long ago ran out of shotgun shells, which was when she switched to arrows. Now the arrows were gone too, leaving her with only her collection of knives to hunt with. She stared at the knives on the wall for a moment before reaching for her trusty sterling silver knife. She touched the blade softly, feeling the familiar burn on her skin, a sad smile reaching across her face.

Tears were already welling in her eyes as she sat down on the bed, her silver knife in one hand and her mug of blood in the other. Reaching behind her, she pulled out an old bloody rag and tossed it on the bed next to her knife. Taking another deep breath, she took off her tattered shirt, hearing it rip as she pulled it over her head. She cursed once more as she threw the rapidly deteriorating shirt across the room in anger, realizing she was running out of clothes as well. She would have to deal with that tomorrow. Tonight, she had more important things to worry about.

A tear rolled down her cheek and landed on her arm as she looked down on the word "Regina" still carved into her skin. She sobbed as she ran her fingers over the slightly raised skin, the feeling of the letters no longer giving her the comfort they used to as her skin slowly healed over the previous year. Eventually, she turned her focus to her upper arm, where she found four tally marks etched into her skin. She ran her fingers over the small raised marks before grabbing her silver knife, pressing the blade into the fading scars, drawing blood again. After she finished tracing the fourth mark, she took another deep breath before adding a new mark, crossing over the first four, indicating a fifth tally mark.

A fifth tally mark to represent the fifth year that had come and gone since Regina died.

Five long years without Regina. Five of the worst years of Emma's life. She wiped the blood off her skin with the bloody rag, watching as the wounds closed, leaving fresh pink scars behind.

"I miss you so much, Regina," Emma cried as she pressed the blade into her forearm once again, tracing the letter "R" with the knife, instantly drawing blood. Emma's tears mixed with the blood on her arm as she continued to trace the rest of Regina's name on her arm, drawing fresh blood with every stroke. She wiped the blood away and once again watched as the wounds closed, revealing the fresh scars she had just created.

Another year without Regina. Another year without the love of her life. Another year without her heart and her soul. Another year without her Mate.

Emma laid down, pulling the paper thin blanket over her body and cried, her body shaking with grief, her tears staining her already stained pillow.

"How has it already been five years since you died in my arms?" she asked out loud as fresh tears fell onto her pillow. It hadn't become easier. The pain she felt from losing Regina hadn't faded over time. It only got worse as each year passed, with each mark she made on her arm. Her eyes fell upon the name carved into her arm as she sobbed violently, her cries echoing off the almost empty cabin. She cried until she felt the sunrise approaching. She cried even when her body told her the sun was rising. She cried until she felt the beginnings of sun sickness when she eventually cried herself into a dreamless sleep.

She woke the following night with the realization that life as she knew it needed to change. Even though she had spent the last five years in complete isolation, she knew the time for her to return to civilization was drawing near. She had long since run out of the shotgun shells that she found in the cabin, and now that she had broken her last arrow the night before, she no longer had the means to hunt. As it was, she was only eating once or twice a week which made the blood last longer, but eventually she would need to hunt again.

She knew she needed to move on. She knew the cabin she had called home for five years wouldn't survive another winter without collapsing, and she knew she needed to move on. And what was worse, she knew that Regina wouldn't want her to live like this any more. She would want her to live her life and be happy, no matter how that happened.

So, a week after the five year anniversary of Regina's death, Emma packed up what little she could and left the cabin for the last time, making her way through the forest she had called home for five very long years. She walked all night until she eventually made it to a small inn right on the border of Maine and New Hampshire, making it into her room just in the nick of time before sunrise burned her skin. The first step was leaving the forest; now all she had to do was figure out where she was going to go.

The following night, she laid in bed staring at the ceiling as she waited for her old cell phone to finish charging for the first time since the Wolves had given it to her, she began to contemplate her next step. Where would she go now that she left isolation? Where could she go that would allow her to be alone, but still surrounded by people?

By the time her phone turned back on for the first time in five years, she had made her decision. She would go to New York City. It would take her a few weeks to walk there since she would only be able to travel at night, but it was doable. She had nothing but time on her hands at this point. She found the nearest blood dispensary and stocked up on enough blood to get her to New York and informed the front desk that she would be checking out at sunset the following day. After all preparations were made, she found herself back in bed, Googling the most efficient route to take to get her to the Big Apple, making notes of the few Vampire friendly motels and inns she saw along the way.

The following evening, just as the sun set behind the horizon, Emma emerged from her first hotel room and began her journey south to New York City.

The first few days of her journey, Emma was fortunate enough to find places to sleep, usually stopping in roadside motels that resembled the Bates Motel. But her luck soon ran out on the fifth night of her travels when there wasn't a hotel or motel in sight. Her last resort was to search for an AirBNB nearby that might be available for the night, but once again came up empty. She had no other choice; she would have to try and hide from the sun in the shade of the dense forest nearby. She rushed into the shade of the trees, rushing to find the darkest corner she could before the sunlight hit her skin. She thought about burying herself under a tree but realized she didn't have time. Quickly, she wrapped herself in the blackout blanket her Wolf friends had given to her the last time she saw them and settled into her temporary bed on the forest floor.

She closed her eyes as she listened to the sounds of the forest coming to life, realizing that, although she had fled the sun's harsh rays, she no longer feared the sun. She had met the fiery rays of the sun and lived to tell the tale. And on the off-chance the sun did kill her, it would only do her the favor of putting her out of her misery. She ran her fingers over the raised scar on her forearm in the darkness, taking comfort in her Mate's name on her skin as she drifted off to sleep, hoping some woodland creature didn't mistake her for a log and wake her up.

She woke the following evening to the feeling of a curious deer sniffing her side. She shifted slightly so as to not startle the creature too much. She popped her head out from under the blanket, and as soon as the deer saw her face, it took off running into the forest and away from the new danger. She felt bad for scaring the animal, but she needed to get going. She still had a long way to go before she reached New York. She stretched and climbed to her feet, quickly folding her blanket and packing it away before she continued her journey south.

A few miles before she reached the New Jersey and New York border, Emma stumbled upon a stranger on the side of the road, the first person she had seen in days.

"Hey, you okay?" she asked, approaching the seated person slowly.

"What?" she asked, snapping her head up quickly, fear washing over her face. "Who are you? What do you want?"

"Hey, it's okay," Emma said, leaning back a little to give the scared woman some room. "I'm Emma. Are you okay? Do you need help?"

"No! I'm…fine…" the stranger said, clearly untrusting of Emma.

"You're a Vampire, right? Are you still a Fledgling?" Emma asked, sensing the woman's true nature.

"What? No! I'm Human. I'm not one of those… things ," she snapped, her eyes wide as she looked up at Emma.

"Honey, it's okay. I'm a Vampire too. We can sense other Vampires, even when they are trying to blend in," Emma explained.

"You…you can tell?" she asked, more fear in her voice.

"Yeah. But Humans can't always tell we're Vampires. We can blend in if we try," Emma explained, a light bulb going off in her head. "How long have you been a Vampire?"

"Umm…I don't know…I woke up…in the ground a little while ago. I…I don't know how I got there, or how long I was there," the woman started to sob. "I don't remember anything."

"It's okay. Don't panic. You must be starving," Emma said, pulling the backpack off her back.

"I…uhh…maybe?" the scared woman stuttered. It didn't take a genius to see that the woman was starving.

"Here," Emma said, handing the woman a half empty bottle of blood. "It's cold, I'm sorry. You're supposed to heat it up, but I think desperate times call for desperate measures."

"What? What do I do? Just drink it?"

"Yeah. It usually tastes better, I promise," Emma said as the woman took a tentative sip of the cold blood, making a slight face at the taste. "Feel better?"

"Yeah…a little actually," the woman said, her breath slowing.

"Good. Have some more blood. You'll feel even better." The woman took another sip before offering the bottle back to Emma. "No, it's okay. You keep it. You're going to need to keep drinking."

"But what about you?" the woman asked.

"I'll be fine. I'll be at my destination in a few days. I can make it. You need it more."

"Thanks," the woman said shyly. "I'm Claire, by the way."

"It's nice to meet you, Claire." Emma smiled. They both stopped talking immediately and turned their attention to the sound of heavy footsteps running toward them. Suddenly, a tall skinny man came into view, running right toward them.

"Dan?" Claire asked, standing on shaky legs.

"You know that guy?" Emma asked, ready to defend the woman from danger.

"Claire? There you are! I've been looking all over for you!" the man said as he approached them, reaching to hold Claire.

"Claire, you good?" Emma asked, unsure of Claire's safety as she ran into the tall man's arms.

"Dan is my childhood best friend! He disappeared a few weeks ago. He came back last night and told me he was in love with me, and had been our entire lives." Claire stared into Dan's eyes. "That was the last thing I remember," she said, her expression changing drastically.

"I turned you. I couldn't bear to spend another moment without you, and not be able to touch you." Dan said sadly, as if Emma were no longer standing there.

"I certainly know that feeling," Emma said under her breath, tears welling in her eyes.

"I went back to the place I left you last night, but you had already woken up. I was so scared when I couldn't find you," Dan said, a blood tear running down his face.

"I was so scared and confused," Claire explained, turning to Emma for the first time since Dan approached them. "This is Emma. She found me and gave me some blood and I felt better."

"Thank you for finding her," Dan said, still clearly upset. "How can I ever repay you for helping her?"

"It's my pleasure. You're a Fledgling too, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" Dan asked.

"You could have let her change with you if she's so special to you. It helps to increase the bond if they change with you there," Emma explained. She tried to suppress the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes as she remembered waking up as a Vampire in Regina's bed, with the love of her life wrapped around her, holding on to her for dear life.

"Here's my email address…" Emma said, scribbling her address onto a ripped slip of paper. "If you guys have any questions, please email me. Because clearly your Sire didn't explain things to you, did they, Dan?"

"No. Not much, just the very basics," Dan answered, taking the slip of paper.

"That's what I thought. Email me anytime if you have any questions. Especially if you want to become mates. Since Claire has already had blood, it'll be trickier to do without you both getting sick," Emma explained.

"Thank you. For everything," Dan said, more tears welling in his eyes.

"It's my pleasure. You guys will be alright. Have a good night," Emma said, smiling as she walked past the couple, continuing on her journey to New York.

A couple days after meeting Claire and Dan, Emma found herself in a small town on the Hudson River with a funny name. She stopped for a moment to look at the stars and the moon as their light reflected off the still water of the river. Given her limitations of walking at night, she was still a few days away from reaching Manhattan, and she found herself even more eager to reach her final destination. As she stared out at the calm water, she heard a train race by behind her. A small smile reached across her face as she made a decision. She was going to buy a train ticket and take the train into the city, which would shorten her travel time from about ten hours of walking to about forty-five minutes. She could make it to the city before sunrise and be finished with this journey. She pulled up the Metro North train schedule and found that the next train to the city from the small town was due to arrive in about an hour, giving her a little extra time to sit and enjoy the view before she needed to buy her ticket and make her way to the train platform.

She watched as the Hudson River raced by the window of the train while the conductor walked up and down the aisle punching the other passenger's tickets as the train rocked softly against the tracks. He gave her a weird look when he approached her and asked her for her ticket. Emma was used to it. Her appearance had changed drastically over the last five years, her heartbreak showing in her eyes at all times. She gave him a soft, closed-mouth smile (a trick she learned from Regina in their early days) and went back to watching the river rush by.

After about a half hour, the train went underground, indicating the train was approaching Grand Central Station, the final stop on the ride. Emma was a little nervous to be back amongst so many people after being isolated in her forest cabin for five years. But this was what she needed to do. She knew it was for the best. And once again, she knew this is what Regina would want her to do. She took a deep breath as she emerged from the train onto the underground platform, following the crowd to the main concourse.

Grand Central Terminal looked exactly how she remembered it from her days of living in New York. It was nice to see that some things didn't change. Even though her life was turned upside down more than once, New York City stayed the same.

She followed the crowd toward the 42nd Street exit, emerging onto the busy city street. She took a moment to stare up at the tall skyscrapers before joining the crowd walking down the busy sidewalk. Strangely enough, it felt really good for her to be back amongst people again, in a city she had once called home. But that was another life. A life before Regina.

She walked down the busy streets, eventually finding a small Vampire hostel in Harlem, and booked a room that she would stay in until she found a new place. She laid in bed the first night, staring at the ceiling, grateful to be in New York and no longer walking. But getting to the city was the easy part. Figuring out what she was going to do with the rest of her life, that was the hard part. All she had known, before becoming a Vampire, was being a vampire hunter. She had briefly considered becoming a police officer once she arrived in New York, since she has extensive training in conflict resolution, but she quickly decided against it. She didn't think it would go over well with the citizens of New York to find out they had employed a Vampire officer. She went to sleep frustrated that morning, her future even more uncertain than it had been when she left Maine.

Every night, she would wander the streets, hoping to find inspiration from the city that never sleeps. Each night, she was left with more questions and less answers. That was until one night when she stumbled upon a small bar in The Village. Her eyes widened immediately when she saw the brick building with the flickering neon sign. It reminded her of The Blood Moon, a place that left her with very fond memories. She stepped inside and instantly felt like she was exactly where she was supposed to be. She sat at the bar and waited patiently for the bartender to approach.

"Is this a…Vampire friendly bar?" she asked, ready to flee if she received a no answer.

"100%," the bartender answered, flinging a rag over his shoulder. "What can I get you?"

"Umm…do you have…any AB+?" she asked shyly.

"AB is pretty hard to come by these days. Everyone seems to love it. I got some B+ if you like." Emma shuddered at the blood type. Regina's prefered type, she thought to herself.

"Sure, that sounds great," Emma said, forcing a smile. The bartender smiled as he walked away. She watched him pour the blood from a warm tap in the corner, bringing the large glass over and placing it in front of her.

"Thanks." Emma smiled, handing the bartender a few bills.

"My pleasure. Let me know if you need anything else," he said before walking away to attend to other customers. She took a deep breath and picked up the glass, taking a tentative sip of the thick red liquid. She had survived on mostly animal blood as long as she had become a Vampire, and the Human blood cocktail would be a new taste.

The taste immediately reminded her of Regina. The way the taste of the blood lingered on her lips after she had finished drinking. And for the first time in five years, the memory of Regina didn't cause her pain, it made her smile to remember her Mate. After a while of reminiscing, Emma was stricken with an idea. She flagged down the bartender to get his attention and waited for him to approach her once again.

"What can I get you?" he asked, wiping the counter in front of Emma.

"I was wondering if I could ask you a question," Emma said, tentatively.

"Sure can, what's up?"

"I was wondering if you had any job openings? It doesn't matter what the job is, to be honest," Emma said, her heart beginning to pound in her chest. The bartender smiled.

"It just so happens, one of my bartenders put her notice in this morning. I haven't had a chance to post an ad for a new one just yet," he said.

"Really? Can I apply?"

"Do you have any bartending experience?" he asked.

"No…but I'm a fast learner," Emma said, hoping her lack of experience wasn't an issue. "I was also a vampire hunter…before…so I know how to take anyone down if they get too rowdy," she added, trying to make herself seem more marketable.

"I'd love to hear those stories!" he laughed.

"If you play your cards right, you just might." Emma laughed.

"I like you, you're spunky." The bartender laughed, reaching his hand out for Emma. "I'm Jefferson."

"Emma," Emma said, shaking Jefferson's hand.

"So, as far as scheduling shifts, I assume you would only be available at night. I can work with that." Jefferson smiled. "Plus, I think it would be good to employ a Vampire. It shows that we are all inclusive. I hope you don't mind being the token Vampire." Jefferson laughed.

"If it means I get the job, I'll wear a cape and talk like Dracula." Emma laughed.

"In that case, you're hired! Come by tomorrow night and we'll start your training," Jefferson said.

Emma stuck around at the bar for a little while longer, waving goodbye to Jefferson as she left, promising to return the following night. She walked back to the hotel with a smile on her face for the first time in a long time. Things were starting to fall into place. She had a new job in a place that just felt right. As she laid in bed just before sunrise, she suddenly felt a pang of guilt in the pit of her stomach when she thought about how happy she was without Regina. And as if she could hear Regina's voice in the back of her head, she realized once again that this was what Regina would have wanted. She would want her to get back into society, instead of spending the rest of eternity in solitude. She would want her to move on with her life.

Emma began working at The Gin Joint the following night and quickly got the hang of being a bartender. Once word got out that The Gin Joint had a Vampire bartender, more Vampires began to frequent the bar, increasing profit immediately. A few months after moving to New York and beginning her new life, with the help of connections she had made from the bar as well as Jefferson, she found a small apartment not far from work and moved in almost immediately. She was setting down roots in the big city, and everything was starting to look up for her. With her new permanent residence came a healthier lifestyle, one that meant eating everyday instead of only once a week, sometimes even less. Emma Swan was getting her life in order for the first time since losing Regina, and everything was turning up roses.

She still missed Regina, every moment of every day. Everytime her heart beat, she missed Regina. Even with her newfound life, living without Regina had not become any easier. She was simply able to distract herself from her grief.

As the days turned into weeks and weeks into months, Emma found herself becoming more and more social, making many friends who she genuinely enjoyed spending time with when she wasn't working. She actually started to enjoy waking up every night and going out, having fun wherever she went.

But no matter how happy she was with her new life, there was always one night of the year that she stayed in bed. One night that she cried from sunset to sunrise. One night of the year where she added another tally mark on her arm, and re-carved all the scars she already had—the anniversary of Regina's death. Her life would continue the following night. But that night was always reserved for Regina and mourning the loss of her Mate. No one ever questioned why Emma took the same night off every year, or why she had the name "Regina" carved into her left forearm, nor the increasing number of tally marks scared into her upper arm.

No one, that is, until she met her.

Emma met her a few months before the ten-year anniversary of Regina's death. She had waltzed into The Gin Joint and sat right down at the bar like she owned the place, a shit-eating grin stretching across her face the moment she locked eyes with Emma.

"Hey, cutie. You must be new. I've never seen you working here before," the woman said when Emma approached her from behind the bar to take her order. Emma could sense instantly that this woman was a Vampire, and she just knew this woman was going to be trouble. But she promised herself (and Regina) that she would give people a chance, so she smiled back at the stranger, ignoring the flirtatious remark.

"I've been working here for almost five years. And I've never seen you either," Emma said.

"I've been out of town for a few years." The woman smiled, showing her fangs.

"Clearly." Emma chuckled. "What can I get you?"

"Let me get a pint of B+," the woman said. Emma repressed the cringe of pain she felt whenever anyone ordered B+.

"Coming right up," Emma said, rushing to the warm tap of blood in the corner, relieved to be away from the mysterious woman who had clearly taken a liking to the new bartender.

"Thanks, sugar." The woman winked as Emma deposited the warm pint glass in front of her.

"The name's Emma, not 'sugar'," Emma snapped. She hated when people called her cute pet names.

"That was my plan all along." The woman smirked, taking a sip of her blood.

"Huh?" Emma asked, clearly very confused.

"To get you to tell me your name without me asking." She smirked again, taking another sip. "I'm Lily. Nice to meet you, Emma."

Lily sat at the bar for the remainder of the night, slowly sipping her blood and asking Emma questions every time she walked by. Emma answered her questions casually and vaguely, not wanting to be rude but also not wanting to give the woman the impression that she was interested. Emma wasn't interested. She knew she would never be interested in anyone else.

"It's nice to meet you, Miss Emma," Lily said after Emma informed her that the bar was closing and it was time to leave. "I hope to see you again real soon." She winked as she climbed off the bar stool and left the bar. Emma felt slightly dirty from the look she was given but quickly shook it off and returned to her closing routine before heading home for the day.

A few weeks later, Lily showed up again, sauntering over to the bar once again.

"Good evening, beautiful," Lily said, taking the same seat at the bar.

"It's Emma, not 'beautiful'," Emma reminded her. "What can I get you?"

"Your phone number?" Lily asked, another shit-eating grin on her face.

"Why don't you try that again," Emma said, clearly not encouraging Lily's flirtations.

"B+, please. And I'll take that phone number as well." Lily smirked. Emma rolled her eyes as she walked away, quickly pouring Lily her blood so she could move on to other customers.

As the previous night, Lily sat at the bar the rest of the night, drinking her blood painfully slow. Emma could feel her staring at her the entire night, and she dreaded when she needed to move to that part of the bar, because she knew Lily would start asking her more questions.

The night dragged on, until it was time once again to send Lily home for the night.

"It was so wonderful to see you again, beautiful," Lily said as she climbed off her stool. Emma had to hold herself back from smacking the woman for calling her beautiful again. "I'll see you soon." She smirked as she walked toward the door.

Once she was gone, Emma quickly locked the door, fearing she might try to come back in and hit on her some more while she tried to close. She started cleaning off the bar when she noticed the fifty dollar bill sitting on the bar where Lily was sitting, clearly a tip left for Emma. It didn't take long for Emma to realize that Lily had left her phone number written on the bill. She rolled her eyes so hard she almost sprained them as she quickly walked to the cash register, exchanging the insulting bill for smaller ones, and ridding herself of Lily's phone number. She smiled at her triumph and continued to close the bar. She knew this woman was going to be a problem.

"You never called!" Lily said a week later when she plopped herself down on the same bar stool.

"I didn't?" Emma asked, clearly understanding what Lily was trying to say, while still remaining polite.

"I left my number on your tip," Lily said, accepting her drink that Emma had poured.

"I must have missed it." Emma shrugged.

"I guess I was too subtle." Lily chuckled. Emma released a sigh of relief when she was summoned by another customer at the other end of the bar. She wasn't in the mood to deal with Lily that night.

Lily left her number on a napkin that she folded into the tip instead of writing it directly onto the bill, ensuring Emma saw it. Emma threw the napkin away immediately and pocketed the cash. She was starting to get tired of Lily's constant advances.

Lily never gave up, even when Emma rejected every advance, and threw away every napkin with her phone number on it. She eventually began coming into the bar every night, sitting on the same stool, staring at Emma the entire time. Emma was at the end of her rope and didn't know what else to do. She was even considering talking to Jefferson about Lily's constant harassment.

"I missed you last night, cutie," Lily said, taking her usual seat at the bar.

"I took last night off," Emma said sadly, grabbing a pint glass to pour Lily her usual blood order.

"Hey, are you okay?" Lily asked, her tone of voice changing drastically.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Emma said, turning to clean a glass in the sink.

"No, you're not," Lily said, concern in her voice. "What's up?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," Emma said, drying the glass and putting it away.

"Emma, I know I've come on really strong, and I'm sure it's very annoying. But seriously, there's something wrong, I can tell. Are you alright? Are you hurt or in trouble? Do you need help?" Lily asked. Emma looked up suddenly, shocked that Lily was suddenly acting completely different.

"I'm okay…it's just that…" Emma started to say, quickly trying to decide if she should divulge that information to Lily. "Yesterday was a dark day for me. It takes me a couple days to bounce back every year. This year was exceptionally difficult for me," Emma said, trying to busy herself with wiping down the bar.

"Dark day? What happened?" Lily asked, prying into Emma's personal life.

"Yesterday was…" Emma said, taking a deep breath. She knew she had to talk about this stuff, even if it was with Lily of all people. "…the anniversary of my Mate's death."

"Oh Emma. I'm so sorry. Shit. Had I known you lost your Mate, I wouldn't have come on so strong. My bad," Lily said, sincerity in her voice.

"It's okay. You didn't know," Emma said.

"How long has it been?" Lily asked.

"Ten years."

"Wow. So soon." Lily sipped her blood. "Is that her name carved into your arm?" Lily asked, the first person to ever point out her scars on her arm.

"Yeah. I do it every year on her anniversary. I also add another tally mark," Emma said, lifting her sleeve to show the ten tally marks on her arm.

"I can't imagine how that feels," Lily said.

"Yeah…" Emma said sadly, her attention turned toward another customer at the end of the bar.

Lily left early that night, finishing her drink quickly. As always, she left a generous tip with the usual napkin with her number on it. Emma saw it and crumpled it up, but stopped herself before tossing the napkin away like she usually did. Opening it, she saw a small note in addition to the normal phone number.

If you ever want to hang out and talk, let me know. I'm sorry if I offended you with my advances. Take care and hang in there. Lily.

Something changed in her when she saw Lily's note. There was something about Lily's sincerity that made her change her mind about the previously annoying woman. She pulled out her phone and began typing a message.

"Hey, it's Emma. I think I'll take you up on that offer to hang out."

Emma knocked on Lily's door a few nights later, a bottle of blood in her hand as requested by the host. Emma was nervous but knew it would be good for her. Lily welcomed her into her home and quickly warmed up the blood that Emma had brought, settling into the couch, at a respectful distance, next to Emma.

They talked for most of the night, about everything from their lives before they were turned and their Sires, to Regina and the circumstances of her death ten years ago. Emma was feeling very vulnerable by the end of the night, and didn't notice that Lily had been slowly inching closer to her, until she felt Lily's lips against hers all of a sudden.

In a moment of sheer weakness, Emma kissed her back.

Emma woke up the following evening feeling sore. She shifted slightly in bed, stretching before opening her eyes, not quite ready to get up. She hummed when she felt arms wrap around her from behind.

"Good evening, my love." Emma whispered as she pulled the body behind her closer to her. "You have no idea how much I've missed you. Promise me you'll never leave me again, Regina. Promise me, my love," Emma whispered, half asleep. She felt the body shift behind her, and a pair of cool lips press against her bare shoulder.

"It's not Regina," the voice whispered, causing Emma's eyes to shoot open. She shot up in bed, looking right at Lily, her face even paler than usual.

"No! NO NO NO!" Emma chanted, panic and fear rose in her voice. "NO! NO!" she said, rushing out of bed. She frantically searched for her clothes, ripping open the bedroom door, the final rays of light from the setting sun stinging her skin.

She didn't care. She deserved it. She deserved all the pain and then some. She cheated on Regina. She can never forgive herself for what she has done.

She rushed out of the apartment, the setting sun making her skin sizzle and smoke before it eventually disappeared behind the horizon, leaving large burn marks in its wake. She ran home, bloody tears already streaming down her face as she ran, rendering strange looks from the strangers she passed along the way.

She locked herself in her apartment the moment she got there, falling to the ground as soon as the door was secured, a puddle of bloody tears forming under her head. An hour later, she rushed into her bedroom, reaching into the nightstand where she kept her silver knife, pulling the sharp knife out of its protective covering. She pulled off all her clothes, the same clothes she had been wearing the previous night with Lily and threw them into the corner. She would end up throwing them away the following night. She brought the knife to the skin on her thigh and started carving Regina's name into her leg, a painful reminder of what she had done to her.

She continued to litter her skin with Regina's name until she had covered both thighs as well as her stomach, all places she would be sure to see the scars until she allowed them to fade away… if she allowed them to fade. She cried herself to sleep that night, begging and pleading for Regina to forgive her.

She managed to pull herself together the following night just enough to make it to work. She listened to a voicemail from Lily on her break, asking if everything was alright and if she had done something wrong. Emma didn't call her back, simply sending her a text message to inform her to leave her alone. Lily didn't show up at the bar that night, much to Emma's relief, allowing her to distract herself just enough to make it through the shift.

When she didn't see Lily for two weeks after that night, she was starting to think that maybe she had seen the last of her, and she could relax everytime the door opened.

Until she walked into the bar one night.

Every emotion she felt after that night came flooding back the moment she saw Lily walk through the door. Which caused Emma to spiral once again, completely ignoring Lily's pleas to talk to her. She left work early that night, apologizing to Jefferson for the inconvenience. Lily tried to follow her home, but Emma wouldn't allow her, threatening her with death if she continued to follow her.

She couldn't do it anymore.

As soon as she got home, she pulled out her phone and immediately dialed a number she hadn't used in quite a long time.

"Hey…it's me…" Emma whispered, as tears streamed down her face. "…I need your help…"