Chapter 9 - Back to Hogwarts
As the Christmas holidays wore on, Remus began to feel more and more excited about the prospect of returning to the castle. He loved his parents, but life in the Lupin household was just so quiet compared to what he was used to at Hogwarts. He supposed you could only ever missed what you had, and now he'd had it, he missed it so much it ached.
He was as helpful as he could be around the house. He would help his mother with the cooking and around the house, chattering all the while about life at Hogwarts as he did so.
"It sounds just magical." Hope Lupin said, beaming at her son as she passed him a duster. Remus could see the delight and joy in her eyes. "I think it's the best possible thing that could have happened for you."
Remus couldn't help but agree. On Sunday 2nd January, when the train had been organised to take students back to Hogwarts, he raced down the stairs to wait for his father in the hallway.
"Goodbye mum." He said, hugging her and feeling, not for the first time, an incredible guilt for the lies he was telling about her at school. "I love you."
His mother hugged him closely and stroked his hair. Remus knew she didn't want to let him go. But he also knew how pleased she was that he was finally living an independent life, where he had friends. She knew it was time for her to let go.
"Goodbye dear." She said, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand and helping him with his coat. "Be safe."
Remus and his father traveled the familiar route to where the portkey had been set up in their closest city and arrived in a disused staff room at King's Cross station.
"Pretty handy this, eh?" Another wizard who was accompanying his daughter said to Remus' father. "Lorna and I come from Leeds. Personally I don't see the sense in traveling to London then back up North again like a pair of yo-yos. But I suppose rules are rules!" He laughed and shook his head at the absurdity of the custom.
Remus and Lyall made their way onto platform 9 ¾ with plenty of time to spare. Lyall went over to get a coffee, and Remus was left to people watch.
Being in the middle of a big crowd often filled Remus with a strong desire to shrink away and hide. He'd love to be a wall ornament. That way he could watch but not be seen or spoken to.
Fortunately, no one spoke to him. The students that arrived with their families were so delighted and excited to be going back to school and seeing each other again that they didn't pay any attention to an insignificant first year like Remus.
He continued to watch as students arrived and in dribs and drabs, filtered onto the train. He waved at Lily Evans as she went past with her family. She smiled and waved back. Perhaps if it wasn't for his friendship with James and Sirius the two of them could have been friends. She really was very nice.
Speaking of James and Sirius, here they came now. Together, with their families. Remus could only assume they had bumped into each other before the barrier, as Sirius' family at least didn't look at all happy with their present company.
James' mother was chatting and joking with what could only be Sirius' mother like a persistent humming bird. Though the other woman showed absolutely no interest in conversation and kept her eyes fixed resolutely ahead as Mrs Potter talked, it seemed, like James, his mother wasn't deterred easily.
Sirius, in contrast, looked utterly delighted. He was chatting animatedly to James and his dad, and when he saw Remus, he grinned and made a beeline for him.
"Remus!" He cried, clapping him on the back. "Blimey, am I glad to see you. Shall we go and find a compartment? Where are your folks?"
Remus' father came back over to them with his drink. He smiled and shook Sirius' hand warmly, saying he was pleased to meet him and how glad he was that Remus had such good friends at Hogwarts.
"Remus is the good friend." Sirius insisted. "He's a good influence on us too. Always gets his homework in on time, never mucks around, the teachers love him."
"That's wonderful." Lyall said, his hand coming to rest on Remus' shoulder. "Where are your parents, Sirius? I'd love to meet them."
Sirius glanced over his shoulder, to where his family were still being subjected to Mrs Potter's impossibly friendly overtures. "I really don't know if you do, sir." He said. "They're…"
But before he could explain exactly what he meant, Sirius' father had extricated himself from the group and marched over to them.
He was a tall man, with dark hair and grey eyes, like Sirius. Though he smiled at Remus' father, it was strange and forced, more like a leer. And Remus saw his eyes travel down his father and onto him. His expression cold and judging, as if he were looking for things to criticise. Remus suddenly felt all the warmth vanish from the air. It was as though a dark cloud had come out on a sunny day.
The man turned to look at Sirius whose demeanor, Remus noticed, had changed just as much as the atmosphere. While a moment before he was chatty and lively, now he was despondent and downcast and was looking anywhere but at his father.
"We're leaving." He said to his son, his tone cold and emotionless. "Come and say goodbye to your mother."
"I'm just talking to Remus' dad." Sirius said, finally looking up at him. "Can't you give me five minutes?"
"It's lovely to meet your son, Mr Black." Lyall said, forcing the man's eyes to snap back to him. "I'm Remus' father. Lyall Lupin. I'm so pleased our sons are friendly."
Orion's lip curled into something like a sneer. "Are you." He said, somehow managing to turn the words into an accusation. He turned back to his son. "Now, Sirius." And he led him back over to where his mother stood still being accosted by the Potters.
Remus watched uneasily as he saw his friend and his parents exchange artificial, insincere farewells, and then the Blacks were gone, and it was as though all the oxygen was suddenly back in the atmosphere.
Remus and Lyall moved over to where Mr and Mrs Potter were chatting to James and Sirius. "Hello dear!" Mrs Potter said on seeing Remus, pulling him into a hug. "It's so lovely to see you again. How was your Christmas?"
Remus and James' mum exchanged a few polite words, and James' and Remus' father exchanged a few pleasantries too. And then James was pulling on his sleeve, eager to board the train, and there were hugs, kisses, tears and calls of 'goodbye' and 'have a good term', and the three of them moved as one over to the Hogwarts Express to board.
"Let's go in here!" James said, finding an empty compartment, and leading them inside. They threw their bags into the overhead compartment, and settled on the seat, James and Remus leaning out of the window to wave one last goodbye to their parents.
"Where do you reckon Peter is?" James said, once the train had started to move and the platform, with all the familiar faces, faded from view.
Remus had been wondering the same thing. He'd expected to see him on the platform. He'd been keeping an eye out, but had not seen his friend at all. "Surely he's on the train." He said reasonably.
"Then why hasn't he come to find us?" Sirius said.
"Why don't we go and find him?" Remus suggested.
And so they did. There were still a number of students wandering up and down the corridors, peering into compartments, searching for friends. "Not this one." Sirius said, pulling a face and moving away quickly from the carriage he'd just peered through the window of. Remus had a quick glance in as he passed. His blonde cousin, Narcissa, was in there, along with a group of very intimidating looking Slytherins.
They wandered all the way down the train until they got right to the very back. Here, at last, was Peter. Remus saw him first. A lone figure, huddled by the window, looking so lost and small in a compartment by himself.
Remus opened the door. "Peter!" He cried, smiling. "Here you are. Here he is." He said to the other two.
But Peter simply looked at him and then turned back to looking out of the window.
Remus came in and sat down, confused. "What's the matter?" He asked.
"Oh, nothing." Peter said, still not looking at him. "If you don't know, that is."
Remus couldn't understand it. "Why didn't you come and find us?"
Peter turned back to Remus. His expression was angry and hurt. "You didn't come and find me!"
"Peter." Remus said, completely bewildered. "We're here right now."
"Alright, Pettigrew?" James said, coming into the compartment and punching the boy playfully on the arm. "What are you lurking all the way back here for?"
"He was waiting for us." Remus explained. "Why don't we go and get our stuff and come and join you here?" He offered.
"That's daft." Sirius said, also joining them in the compartment. "Our stuff's already in our compartment. Come on, Peter."
Remus gave his friend a small smile as he got to his feet. "I'm so happy to see you." He told him and the four of them made their way back down the train together.
Peter's mood did lighten up eventually. They fell into cheerful conversation about their respective Christmases, and James showed them the invisibility cloak he had been so delighted to have received.
"Wow!" Peter said as James handed it to him to try. "I'm actually invisible. This is amazing! Think of all the things we could do with this!"
And so, in a show of organisation and effort Remus had never seen his friends demonstrate with their studies, they pulled out a scroll of parchment and began brainstorming ideas.
James liked the idea of breaking into the Slytherin dormitories to terrorise Snape (details to be confirmed). Sirius thought it could be fun to explore the grounds and the forbidden forest. Peter was quite keen on re-visiting the kitchens, this time for a midnight feast. All ideas were noted, and James insisted they would get round to them all. "What about you, Remus?" He said, turning to the only member of the group who hadn't made a suggestion for how they could cause yet more mischief. "What do you want to do?"
Remus was gripped with a sudden panic. He didn't know. He felt the eyes of all three of them on him and felt a sudden sense of inadequacy. Ought he to have an exciting, fun suggestion for adventure or mischief? Did the fact that an idea for a wild adventure or practical joke not suddenly come to him make him somehow less of a marauder?
"I really don't mind." He said eventually, which wasn't strictly true. But Remus would always go along with his friends. Whatever they wanted, whatever they suggested, he would be there with them. They meant far too much to him for him not to. Besides, it might be quite interesting to see what was behind the statue of that witch with the hump the Prewett twins had told them about…
"Well," Sirius said, consulting his list. "We have enough to be getting along with for now. Remus, if you think of anything, you just say."
The train gathered speed and soon they were traveling through open countryside, heading steadily further North.
"We must be nearly where I live." Peter said, peering out of the window as if expecting to see his house in the distance. No one seemed particularly interested.
Remus reflected happily on how different this train journey was compared to the one he had taken back in September. He looked around in happy wonder at his three friends, laughing and joking, so much ease and contentment in one another's company. It was as if they'd known each other for years, even their whole lives. What a wonderful thing, to feel part of a group.
When they arrived at Hogsmeade station, he remembered that, unfortunately, being part of this particular group had its downsides too.
Severus Snape was on the platform. He was standing with Lily, who whispered something to him, pointed at their group, and pushed her friend forwards.
Remus looked at Sirius and James. They had seen Snape. Like dogs who had scented a rabbit, they were watching him as he made his awkward twitchy way over.
"I'm taking no nonsense this term." Snape said, the words fierce and harsh, and he glared at them all as he spoke. "If you hex me, jinx me, curse me, do anything to me, I'm going straight to Dumbledore." He looked back over his shoulder at Lily Evans who was nodding encouragingly.
Remus thought it was a fair request. He was quite impressed with the other boy's courage too. He looked at his friends, hoping beyond hope that they would be kind.
But Sirius' face had twisted into a sneer, reminding Remus alarmingly of his father, and James was laughing.
"Aw, Snivelly. Has your girlfriend told you to stand up to bullies?" He waved sarcastically at Lily.
"Or have you been crying to mummy and daddy?" Sirius asked nastily. He narrowed his eyes and cast an appraising eye over Snape. Again, where was that look familiar from?
Without warning, Snape drew out his wand. "Expulso!" He cried, pointing it at Sirius. Sirius did not have time to react, and the sudden force of the spell spell threw him backwards.
As James ran over to help, Remus turned back to Snape. His chest was heaving, and he was glowering. Remus wanted to say something to him. To apologise for his friends, to say that of course they would leave him alone. That he was sorry he'd had need to ask in the first place. But as Snape's eyes fell on him, his mouth went dry and he suddenly found he couldn't say any of it. He turned quickly to where James and Sirius were, huddled on the ground, and went over to join them instead.
By the time Sirius was back on his feet and recovered from the shock, Snape was long gone. It didn't stop Sirius and James muttering maledictions about him all the way up to the castle though (this time in horseless carriages rather than by boats). James had taken out the 'invisibility cloak wish list' scroll and added another five ways they could torment Snape onto it.
They were still plotting in the dormitory later that night too. Remus, feeling quite tired of the whole thing by now, decided to take a book and go down to the common room to read for a while.
He positioned himself in his favourite armchair by the fire and opened his book. It was new, he'd been given it for Christmas. He loved the smell of new books, and he relished the feel of the fresh paper and hard cover in his hands as he turned the first page.
He was so absorbed in the activity that he didn't notice as the common room emptied around him. The fire was still crackling, the light was dim, and it was so very peaceful.
The sound of footsteps approaching made him look up.
It was Sirius. His hair was wet from a shower and he had his pyjamas on. "Mind if I sit?" He asked.
Remus gestured to the chair beside him and put down his book.
"Thought I'd come and see where you'd got to." Sirius said, smiling at Remus' book. "It's past ten you know."
That would explain why the common room was so empty.
Remus suddenly realised that this was one of the very rare occasions he and Sirius were actually alone together. As the four of them did pretty much everything together, it didn't happen very often.
Despite his many flaws, Remus liked Sirius. He was generally good natured, energetic, brave and loyal. He was a good friend, Remus knew that. Despite only knowing the other boy a few months, he knew he would already trust him with his life.
"Remus?" He said, and Remus looked at him, surprised to see the sudden anxiety in his eyes. "I wanted to ask you…" He looked at his hands in his lap, wringing his fingers, and still not meeting Remus' eye. "I wanted to ask…" and, sighing, he met Remus' eyes. "Do your parents ever hit you?"
Remus considered his friend, suddenly so unsure and child-like. He was looking at Remus with a sort of quiet desperation, as though a lot hung on his next words.
He considered carefully. What did his friend want him to say? In the end, he decided on the truth. "No." He said. "Never." He knew he was lucky in that regard. He supposed his parents could never bring themselves to cause him any more pain than he already suffered once a month. That or they just never had reason to.
Sirius still looked troubled. He was resting his chin on his knee and frowning at a spot on the floor.
"Is that what they did?" He asked the question gently. He wanted Sirius to know he could trust him. And it would be a relief for Remus too, to know what might have happened to his friend over Christmas to make him dread the prospect of going home so much.
Sirius nodded, still not looking at him. "Don't tell James."
The request was reasonable. James Potter's family were just so picture perfect, Remus knew James would never be able to understand anything except the perfect childhood.
"Course not." He said. "Sirius?"
His friend turned to face him, and Remus could see his eyes were full of tears.
"It's OK." He said softly.
Sirius brought his fist to his mouth where he gritted his teeth and closed his eyes tight shut, causing his unshed tears to leak out of the corner of his eyes. The pain and hurt was so raw that Remus wanted to reach out and hug him. But he didn't. Because twelve year old boys didn't hug.
When he opened his eyes again, they were very red. "Sorry." He said, rubbing at them with his fist. "I've just never spoken to anyone about it before. I wanted to know what was normal."
Remus was pretty sure whatever happened to him at the hands of his parents was not normal. But he didn't know how helpful that would be for Sirius to hear.
"You don't need to apologise." He said instead. "It's OK to cry. I don't mind."
"You're the first person who's ever said that to me." Sirius said with a shaky laugh.
"Well you're not getting rid of me. So you can get used to it." Remus said, smiling back.
"Thanks Remus." Sirius said. "I meant what I said to your dad. You're a good friend."
If this is what being a good friend felt like, it was the best feeling in the world.
"Bedtime?" He asked, gesturing towards the stairs to the boys' dormitory.
"Better had." Sirius said. "James wants to launch an expedition in the invisibility cloak tonight, he's hell bent on getting Snivellus back for hexing me, but I'm sure it can wait. I know that sort of thing's not your cup of tea either." He gave Remus a knowing look that made him wonder if Sirius was in fact more observant than he gave him credit for.
"I'm very happy for it to wait one more day." Remus agreed, gathering his book and getting to his feet.
"It can't be put off forever." Sirius told him firmly. "But maybe one more day." He conceded.
Remus was grateful. He'd like a day of peace for a change. There was so much pain and hurt and suffering in this world. It was all around him. He'd seen evidence of it in his closest friend. And yet here they were seeking to make more of it. Sometimes Remus quite fancied vanishing from the castle, or else vanishing everyone else from the castle. Just for a week. He'd have his meals in the great hall without being worried someone would throw a baked potato at him. He'd read in the library for as long as he liked without being thrown out. He'd spend time in the grounds, peaceful and alone, not worrying whether Snape might appear from round the corner for James and Sirius to goad.
But now Sirius was holding the door open for him to the dormitory. And now James was leaping on him, asking him where he'd been and grabbing his book from him. And Peter was chattering away, filling Remus in on all he'd missed while he'd been downstairs. And the laughter, the noise, the chaos was so warm and familiar, that despite his earlier musings, Remus knew that he really wouldn't miss this for the world.