Over the next three weeks, Remus and Sirius began the gradual process of carefully re-learning each other. Externally, nobody really seemed to notice the difference between how they'd been before what Sirius had dubbed 'the incident', and how they acted now. They were still all over each other, maybe even more so than before, and most of their friends had just accepted the return of the status quo.
All except Lily. When she'd first seen them curled up on a sofa together again, she had coldly informed Sirius that if he hurt Remus like that once more, she would tear his bollocks off and feed them to him. None of the girls knew the real reason for their difficulties, which made Lily's protectiveness over Remus all the more meaningful to him. She clearly understood that whatever Sirius had done had been awful, regardless of not knowing the details. It was enough for Remus to realise that Lily loved him so deeply that she would defend him against anything. And he loved her even more for it.
As the first days of their first term as sixth year students turned into weeks, Remus slowly felt more at ease. There had initially been some awkwardness between him and Sirius, as they reminded themselves of each other's boundaries. But there was something new about it all, a gentle testing of those boundaries as they tried to map new ground with one another and see where it might lead them.
He found that he couldn't resist touching Sirius, now that he got to do it again. Remus felt like he was constantly itching, burning all over, and there was only one thing that could stop it. So he would subtly reach for Sirius' hand, as he'd done many times before, but instead of the gentle brush of fingertips he would now hook their pinkies together, or slide his thumb over the stark veins in Sirius' pale wrist. He would lean into the shorter boy whenever they stood together, and he'd even taken to dipping his head to graze his nose softly against the side of Sirius' throat whenever Sirius dumped himself into Remus' lap.
He also found that Sirius was incredibly reactive to his touches, and was surprised that he'd never really noticed this before. He delighted in the slight shiver that would run through Sirius' whole body at the featherlight touch of his fingers. Remus' heart skipped whenever Sirius turned in to the taller boy's torso as he leaned against him, wrapping his slender arm around Remus' waist to hold him closer. And the way Sirius would arch his back as Remus' nose glided up his neck would make them both stifle a gasp or a groan as the movement made Sirius push harder against Remus.
But they still hadn't kissed. Remus wasn't exactly holding back, but he'd told Sirius that he wasn't ready. And each day, although he saw the desire in Sirius' eyes, the way the boy outright stared at his lips, he'd watch as Sirius visibly reigned himself in again in order to respect the limit. And he had to admit that the self-control Sirius demonstrated was impressive.
Remus knew that Sirius was doing it to show that he was trustworthy, that all of this was based on Remus' say-so, and despite his best attempts, the wall he'd carefully built around his heart all summer was crumbling fast. He was so drunk on Sirius, it made it so much harder to maintain that boundary. And as September wore on, he began to question why he hadn't kissed Sirius yet, why he could touch him so much and still resist tasting him.
But a deep hunger was growing in Remus' stomach. He knew exactly what would fix it, and yet still he didn't act, didn't say anything. Maybe it was that the wound of Sirius' betrayal still sat open and raw inside him. Maybe he was just scared that now they'd found each other again, to change anything further would risk tipping the precarious balance between them. And as the full moon at the end of September crept closer, Remus was finding it harder and harder to hold himself back. The hunger became all consuming, and it took so much of his strength and energy to push against the desire that he was often exhausted, snapping at the other Marauders for the least little things.
Sometimes he wished that one of them would bite back, but none of them seemed willing to. Remus was surprised - and more than a little frustrated - when even Sirius would just placidly agree with or apologise for whatever it was he'd barked at them for, and the lack of reaction would soon take the wind out of his sails, leaving him drained. But it helped that Sirius had started sleeping in his bed with him every night from that first one. Remus soon caught up on the sleep he'd missed since the incident, and he was quietly pleased that he continued to sleep well with Sirius beside him, even as the full moon approached.
But then, two days before the full moon, Sirius didn't come to bed. Well no, he came up to the dorm with them, as he did every night, all of them turning in at the same time. But as Remus had been about to climb into his own bed, he'd turned to look for Sirius, only to watch the boy slip through the curtains of James' bed instead. Remus had glanced over at Peter, his eyebrows raised. Peter had only given him an apologetic shrug before disappearing behind his own curtains, and Remus had stood for a minute, suddenly unsure of himself. When Sirius didn't immediately re-appear, he'd sighed and gotten into bed alone.
Remus lay awake for a long time. He tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable, and whenever he got close to dropping off he would automatically reach out for the warm, soft form beside him, only to be met with cool, empty sheets. The boys must have cast a silencing charm around James' bed, because he couldn't hear a thing, and it killed him to not know why Sirius had chosen James tonight.
Remus flopped onto his back for the hundredth time and frowned up at his bed canopy. He knew that he didn't really have the right to feel this disappointed. After all, Sirius didn't owe him anything. Yes, they'd said they loved each other, but it wasn't like they were in a relationship. Remus himself had been the one who had made that decision. Sirius was under no obligation to spend every night with him. So why was it almost painful that he'd chosen James tonight? And of all nights he could have picked, did it have to be one this close to the moon?
Finally, after what felt like hours, Remus fell into a light, fitful sleep. He didn't know how long he'd been dozing before a slight rustle near his knee woke him fully, and he lifted his head from his pillow to find Sirius sneaking in through the bed curtain. When Sirius realised Remus was awake, he grimaced and whispered, 'Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you.'
'S'alright,' he muttered, shifting to roll over onto his other side, so that he would face away from Sirius. Sirius instantly surged forwards on his knees and his hand whipped out to catch Remus' shoulder, rolling him back. Remus knew why - they'd never slept like that, and he immediately felt guilty when he saw the mild panic on Sirius' face.
'Tell me what you're thinking,' the boy breathed hurriedly, and Remus exhaled through his nose as he rubbed at his eyes harshly with his thumb and forefinger for a moment. That bloody agreement. He understood now why Sirius had asked for it. It stopped him from retreating into himself whenever he didn't want to face something. It had caused them a few arguments over the last few weeks, but it had to be conceded that so far it had helped them to resolve infintely more problems than it created.
'Budge up,' Remus finally grunted, and Sirius eagerly sat back, giving Remus the space to sit and face him. Sirius waved his wand, sending little balls of light to hover in the air around them, then again to silence the bed area, and Remus crossed his long legs in front of himself, resting his elbows on them before he spoke again. 'Why didn't you just stay in with James?'
'Is that what you're really thinking?' Sirius pushed, and Remus cut him a sharp look. But Sirius didn't flinch.
'Fine. No.' The words were almost ground out as Remus gritted his teeth. 'I'm wondering why you didn't come to bed with me.'
'I'm here now, aren't I?' Sirius said, his words slightly defensive.
'Sirius,' Remus growled, and there was enough warning in his tone that Sirius raised his hands up, palms facing Remus in silent supplication.
'OK, sorry,' Sirius murmured. 'It's just ... It's hard to talk about.' Remus straightened, and for the first time he really took in Sirius' appearance. His eyes and nose were red, as though he'd been crying, and his bottom lip was pink and chapped, like he'd been chewing at it for a while. The hands he still held between them shook slightly.
Sirius noticed this at the same time Remus did, and he quickly lifted them to push his hair back from his face. The ebony locks had regained their usual lustre over the last couple of weeks, but the nervous motion was so practiced that Remus suddenly knew how Sirius' hair had gotten into the state it had been in when they'd returned from summer. In his distress, he must have just been running his hands through it over and over again.
'What is it, Pads?' Remus murmured, his voice more gentle now. Sirius opened his mouth, but nothing came out, and he gazed at Remus pleadingly. Remus reached out a hand, and Sirius grasped it, the contact making the tension in his shoulders ease before Remus' very eyes. But still Sirius didn't speak, so he prompted, 'Even if it hurts, right?'
'Right,' Sirius sighed, then took a deep, resolved breath. 'I was making sure that James knows what he needs to do in two nights' time.'
'What does he -' Remus began, then froze. The moon. Remus hadn't let James and Peter join him for a full moon since the night of the incident. He'd gone back to being locked up in the shack, alone, and the wolf had been distraught. And there had been the two moons he'd endured over the summer break, also alone and locked away. He had gained a fair few new scars because of this, and had already decided before he came back that he couldn't do it alone any more.
He had planned to ask James and Peter to join him again, before he'd seen how broken Sirius had become. So he'd waited to ask them until a couple of days ago, when they were all in the dorm. James and Peter had been delighted, and had instantly accepted. Sirius had been curled up against Remus on the bed at the time, so he'd just assumed that Sirius had known that the invitation was open to him, too. He had to have known. Right?
'I know that he knows what he's doing,' Sirius blurted, clasping Remus' fingers tighter. 'But this'll be the first time where he'll really be handling the wolf on his own. Peter will be there, of course, but he's only really good as a distraction, and sometimes the wolf needs a bit of brute force to keep it out of trouble. And I know Prongs is just as big, and strong, but it's the first time that I won't be there too and -'
'You won't be there?' Remus whispered, his head still reeling as he tried to keep up. Despite the lingering pain from Sirius' actions, he wanted - he needed Sirius with him. The wolf was never calmer than it was in Padfoot's presence, and even though they were still working on things, he so desperately wanted to experience another full moon where he didn't wake up slashed to ribbons and covered in his own blood.
'Well, no,' Sirius said carefully. 'I ... I assumed that you wouldn't want me there, after the incident and everything.' Sirius' hand shook again as he hastily added, 'And I totally understand that, Remus, I do. I get that we're still working on the trust, and I feel like we're making progress, so I'm happy to wait until you're ready to let me come out again. Or even if you don't, that's alright, too. But I just wanted to make sure that James is prepared and -'
'Sirius.' Remus' voice was quiet, but Sirius instantly stopped talking. Unfortunately this meant that he began worrying at his lower lip with his teeth, and Remus couldn't catch himself before he reached up and thumbed it out of his mouth. Sirius gasped at the intimate contact, his eyes suddenly a little hazy, and Remus swallowed hard as he forced himself to pull his hand away again. He cleared his throat, but his voice was still hoarse as he asked, 'Do you want to come out with us for the moon?'
'Yes,' Sirius whispered, his grey eyes darkening as they fixed on Remus' mouth. 'But I -'
'I want you there, too,' Remus murmured, and Sirius' eyes flicked back up to his, disbelief and hope warring violently in his expression. Remus brushed his thumb over Sirius' knuckles. 'I know things are still a little, um, strange. But I'm trying to move on. And I want you with me.' Remus paused, debating with himself briefly, then he grimaced as he went on, 'Actually, I need you there. And I think the wolf needs Padfoot, too.'
'What do you -' Sirius cut himself off with a harsh inhale of breath as Remus used his free hand to lift his t-shirt. Remus knew what the other boy was seeing in the dim, dancing light, and it was a great effort not to hide himself away. Sirius had never balked at his body, and Remus needed to show him undeniable proof that he needed Sirius for this moon. So he sat still while Sirius surveyed him.
Sirius' eyes became rivetted on the new white scars littering Remus' bronzed torso, on how ragged the edges of them were, even after months of healing. Remus dropped Sirius' hand to grab the shirt and tug it off over his head, and Sirius made a small strangled sound as he saw the extent of the new damage. He made a circling motion with his finger, and Remus reluctantly knelt up on the mattress and turned to show Sirius his back.
'Fucking hell, Remus,' Sirius choked out, and when Remus turned to face him again he noticed tears in Sirius' eyes. They rolled down his pale cheeks as he lifted his gaze to Remus' face, and then he was tipping forward. Slowly, so very slowly, Sirius leaned in, his eyes never leaving Remus'. He saw the silent question, the request for permission, and he nodded. Sirius breathed out, so close now that his warm breath tickled Remus' skin, and Remus clenched his fists as Sirius carefully pressed a kiss to the worst of the new scars, the one that ran up from his left hip to the centre of his abdomen.
It was all Remus could do to hold still, grateful that he was already resting on his knees as he was sure they'd have given out when Sirius followed the path of the scar with his mouth. He placed gentle, reverent kisses along Remus' marred flesh, and Remus had to look away from the sight of Sirius mouthing at his stomach as white-hot need flashed through him. He forced away vivid mental images of flipping the boy onto his back and pressing him into the mattress, of lying back and just letting Sirius' mouth trail lower, lower ...
Sirius kissed every new scar, never touching any of the older ones, as though he'd already memorised those and knew exactly which ones hadn't been there before. When he reached the last one, he wrapped his hand around Remus' hip and gently guided him to turn again. The moment Sirius' lips returned to his heated skin, Remus fell forward, his hands flying up to grip the headboard so hard that his knuckles turned white as Sirius mapped out each new mark. The last one he came to sat in the dip between Remus' shoulder and throat, and after a second of hesitation, Sirius ran his tongue over it.
Remus' back arched, and he couldn't hold in the snarl that ripped from his chest at the feeling - Sirius was licking his skin, for fuck's sake, what was he supposed to do with that? His mind had gone utterly blank, completely consumed by the lust that burned through him. And then - oh fuck - Sirius' teeth grazed lightly over the scar. He blinked, and suddenly Sirius was under him, pinned to the mattress with Remus' knees digging into the bed on either side of his hips. Remus jolted, surprised by the loss of control, the moment of blackness, but Sirius was looking up at him with something close to fear.
'Shit,' Remus breathed, trying to get back, get away. 'Shit, I'm sorry, Sirius, I -'
'No!' Sirius yelped, reaching up to grasp Remus' shoulders and hold him still. Remus looked down and gulped at how wide the boy's pupils had become. Sirius began talking very fast, 'Please, Remus, I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm sorry for making you doubt me, and the others. I'm sorry that you had to go through even one more moon alone because of my selfish actions. I'm sorry that you go so hurt because of it. I'm sorry for crossing the boundary just now, for pushing you. Moony, I -'
Sirius cut himself off, his face paling rapidly as he stared up at Remus. And Remus knew that it might be weak, foolish, but oh God had he missed hearing the boy call him by that name. It sent a bolt of electricity right through him, and then he was lowering himself down again, coming to rest with his forearms either side of Sirius' head. Sirius sucked in a hissing breath as Remus' body shifted against him, his eyes fluttering slightly before he made himself meet Remus' gaze once more.
'Say it again,' Remus demanded.
'R-Really?' Sirius whispered, tears springing to his eyes. Remus nodded, and Sirius swallowed, then repeated the word ever so softly, like it was a prayer, a promise: 'Moony.'
Remus groaned, and ducked his head to press his lips to Sirius'. The world stood still. This. This is what he had been missing. That roaring hunger inside him was instantly quietened as he tasted Sirius for the first time. The boy was coffee and cigarette smoke and peppermint, and if Remus never tasted anything else ever again then he would always be satisfied. The kiss was hard at first, just a pushing of mouths together, but when the lights had stopped popping behind Remus' eyelids and his body finally relaxed, he tipped his head slightly to the side to go deeper, to taste more.
The slender boy under him whimpered into his mouth, and Remus' tongue darted out, wanting to drink in that fucking sound. Sirius opened his lips, his hands scrabbling at Remus' back to pull him closer, and their tongues met, sliding over each other as Remus deepened the kiss. It was hot and breathless and messy at first, wet from tongues and spit and Sirius' tears, but then it turned softer, gentler. Remus lost track of time, and he only pulled away when Sirius' sobbing made it hard to go on.
'Pads?' Remus' tone was heavy with worry, and his hand came up to cup Sirius' flushed cheek. Sirius leaned into the touch, hiccuping quietly as he stared up at Remus with watery eyes. 'You alright?'
'Yeah, s-sorry,' Sirius sniffed. 'Gods, I've missed saying your name.'
'You've been saying my name all this time,' Remus murmured.
'Well, yeah, but not your proper name.' Remus frowned in confusion, and Sirius chuckled wetly. 'Not the name I can use when you're mine.'
'Oh,' Remus breathed, realisation hitting him. Telling Sirius that he wasn't allowed to call him Moony any more had clearly had more impact than Remus had thought. And he supposed that he could see why. He was Remus, or Re, or Lupin to just about everyone. He was only Moony with the Marauders. And it was only Sirius who added his own further twists to the moniker. Moons, Moonbeam, Moonage Daydream - all of them were special, almost sacred between them. And though the heat of their first kiss still lingered in his blood, it had nothing to do with why Remus found himself melting.
'Honestly, I've missed hearing you say it,' he croaked, and Sirius beamed up at him. Then his eyes widened and his tears stopped suddenly.
'You kissed me,' he whispered, the awe evident in his words.
'I did,' Remus said, now slightly amused. 'Was that alright?'
'Fucking hell, it was significantly more than just alright,' Sirius blurted, the flush in his cheeks creeping down to his neck. But there was something burning in his gaze as he asked tentatively, 'Does that mean I get to kiss you whenever I want to now?'
'Hmm,' Remus mused, and decided that he needed to not be pressing his whole body, naked torso and all, to Sirius' while they had this discussion. It was far too distracting. So he sat back, ignoring Sirius' groan of protest, and pulled the boy up with him, so that they were vertical and facing each other once more. He linked their hands together as he said, 'I think we should keep this a secret for a while.'
'Oh?' Sirius' tone was casual, but Remus saw the hurt flash behind his eyes.
'Tell me what you're thinking,' he said, squeezing Sirius' hand. Sirius ducked his head, hiding behind his hair.
'Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?' he eventually asked.
'What? No, Pads, no, that's not it,' Remus murmured, bringing his other hand up to cup Sirius' jaw again. 'I just ... I don't know how people would take it, you know? Two guys snogging in the halls? From what I heard on the news over the summer, there are still a lot of people who think that being gay is a crime, and I don't exactly fancy finding out what might happen if there's anyone here who also thinks that way. Do you?'
'You've got a point,' Sirius admitted, though his mouth was still twisted in a way that would suggest he didn't like it.
'I know it'll be hard. But you know, James and Pete seem pretty accepting. Maybe we could just ... Keep it all in here? The dorm could be like our safe place for this, you know?'
'Alright,' Sirius agreed, his face cheering up as he mulled the idea over. 'Alright, yeah, that would work. But ... does that mean you'd prefer that I don't touch you anymore when we're around other people, then?'
'I don't think we need to change that,' Remus said hurriedly, and Sirius gave him a knowing grin. Remus rolled his eyes, but smirked back as he added, 'We've already been doing that anyway, and no-one has raised an issue. I just think that anything more than that ... maybe we should keep it private.'
'OK.' Sirius looked down at their twined fingers, chewing his lip before he looked up again and breathed, 'Does this mean you'll be mine? Even if it's just for us to know?' Remus didn't answer immediately, too caught up in the fight between wanting to be Sirius' so badly and still being afraid that the boy would hurt him again. Sirius seemed to see the conflict in his eyes, as he jabbered, 'It doesn't matter, Moons, it's not important. We don't have to put a label on anything yet, I'm happy just to work things out as we go and -'
'I want to,' Remus whispered, and Sirius clamped his mouth shut, waiting for Remus to go on. 'I ... I want to be with you, Sirius. I want to know you're mine, and I'm yours. I want to know, even when we're out there with everyone else, that no-one can touch you, because even if they don't know it, you and I will both know that you're mine.' Remus took a shuddering breath and finished, 'So, yes. I'll be yours. If you'll be mine, too.'
'I always have been,' Sirius whispered, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Remus'. 'Even when I was stupid enough to be with other people, there was always a part of me that was yours. I want to give you all of me, Remus, if you'll take me.'
'Always,' Remus breathed, and dipped his head to kiss Sirius again, a slow, languid kiss that had them sighing into each other. But Remus pulled back before he could get carried away, aware that he was light-headed and giddy from knowing that he and Sirius were finally, finally together. He didn't want to do anything that he might regret in the heat of the moment, so instead he nudged at Sirius until they were lying side by side on the mattress, Sirius' head on his chest as Remus traced patterns across his shoulders.
'I love you, Remus,' Sirius murmured sleepily, then almost purred when Remus moved his hand up to start playing with his hair. Remus let out a soft chuckle and kissed the top of Sirius' head.
'I love you,' he said. 'Now, go to sleep. And in the morning, you can tell me exactly what you told James about how he should 'handle me'.' Sirius groaned against his neck, and Remus chuckled again as he pulled the boy closer, his smell and their shared warmth finally easing him into a deep sleep.
