Why have I never noticed the vibrancy of her green eyes? Now, I can't stop looking at them. The peach fullness of her lips continue to talk but I'm trying not to listen. I was amused when she first called to me. Then, I'll admit, the worry set in. I knew if Blondie was calling me, it was because of Xena. And, I knew that the situation would be dire. But my thoughts, my heart can't hear her words. Won't believe them. Not again. Gone. For good this time, Gabrielle tells me. Something about some ridiculous sacrificial gesture. The maddening guilt complex final won.
She's stopped talking. But I can't quit staring. There are amber flecks in her emerald corneas. I won't look down. She's holding something. I don't want to see. The Fire of my universe reduced to ashes. I won't look. She's pushing the vase toward me, I see it in my peripheral vision. I shake my head, a tear falls. I hear it hit the temple floor. Finally, I turn from her.
The altar is full. Fullest it's been since I got my godhood back. No, not me. Her. It was her. She got me my godhood back. Gave me eternity only to take hope away. Cruel. Just like her dark heart. One in a billion. I pick up a jeweled dagger. Its cerulean gems mock me. I fight the urge to bury it in the bard's chest. But no, why should I suffer alone?
I turn back to her. She's had time to mourn, the trip from Jappa took weeks she told me when she first arrived. She's calm, composed. I wonder if I was her first stop back in Greece or her last before taking Xena to Amphipolis to rest in the family tomb. Rest! Not if I can help it.
I push back the tears, the well of feelings that have no business with me. The ones she caused in me. I'll need to unlearn them. Forget them. They serve no purpose now. "You're taking her to be with her brother?"
I can tell Gabrielle is trying to gauge my feelings. My state of mind. "Yes, and her mother," she replies softly. She's treating me with kid gloves. She expects me to go off like a tinderbox. She's waiting for it. I won't give it to her. But, she's going to give something to me. She's going to give me everything. She just doesn't know it yet. "That's good. It's what she'd want."
Sun glints off of her golden hair as she nods. Her eyebrows knot up and she puts the jar, Xena, back into the bag she has slung across her torso. "It is," she says, and then after she has Xena tucked in securely, she looks back at me. "Would you like to come to Amphipolis? Maybe say a few words?"
I've already given Xena one funeral, Can I manage another? "Mortals. She's not there, Gabrielle." I point at the spot where she has tucked the urn. I move in closer. "She's gone now. You said yourself, it's what she wanted. Her choice." I'm close enough now that she can feel my breath on her cheek. The godly energy radiating from my immortal flesh. I notice the slight shudder. Not the same as Xena, no one fed off of me like Xena, but she's still affected. I take my hand and place it gently over her heart. "She's here now. That's where you will keep her alive. You'll follow her path. The things she's taught you will live forever. You'll find someone to share them with and they'll pass it on as well." I reach up and caress her cheek lovingly with the back of my hand, letting my silver ring play along her jawline. "No, you go to Amphipolis. You honor her, you were the one she chose as her family. It's your place."
"I can't help but feel that it's your place too." She whispers.
I fight the lump that forms in my throat. My hands are so close to her neck now. With one snap I could end her life. "I'm not sure Xena would see it that way."
Gabrielle brings her hand up to my shoulder. "She loved you the only way she could, Ares. The only way she could and still keep herself. From afar. You know that right?"
The tears creep into my eyes again and this moves her. She reaches up on her tiptoes and kisses me lightly on the corner of the mouth. Then she looks down at our boots. I hear her swallow. Is she fighting desire or regret? Without looking up, she turns and heads for the door.
"Goodbye Gabrielle," I say it as if it is our final parting. But our game has just begun.
The weight of my words stop her but she still doesn't turn around. With one hand on the door handle, she looks up to the ceiling like she'll find Xena there. Then with the pain of dying harpy she wails, "Aren't you angry with her?"
There it is. I have her.
"Of course I am. But I knew her stubborn guilt would get the best of her eventually. Even though she repaid her debt a million times."
"She could never see that." I hear her sniffle and watch from behind as she wipes her snot on the back of her hand.
I move in close again. I materialize a jade green handkerchief. "She was blind about a lot of things. It took her far too long to appreciate the warrior you became. Even longer to accept that my feelings for her were genuine and had nothing to do with wanting her to be my warrior queen. She wasn't ready to forgive herself. And now, sadly, she'll never get to. Tragic when you think about it. She did so much for Eve helping her to redeem herself and yet, she was never able to feel her own redemption."
Gabrielle takes the handkerchief and allows herself to lean against my chest. "I doubted your feelings too, Ares. I can't help but feel that I owe you an apology."
My mouth next to her ear, I say, "you owe me nothing."
The sobs overtake her and I let her lean on me, wrapping one arm around her waist to support her. Unexpectedly, my hand finds the urn and I nearly lose myself to my own grief. But if this is going to work, I have to hold fast to my anger not my sorrow. I move my hand lower onto her belly.
"Ares," she whispers.
"Yes?" I ask.
"I can't do this alone."
I turn her slowly, bend down and kiss her forehead. "You won't have to."
