Chapter 3 – Winslow, AZ (June 26 – 27)

They had finished up in California and moved into Arizona. There had been a performance in Yucca and then two in Flagstaff; now they were in Winslow for a single performance. They'd gotten in around noon, their performance was at six-thirty, and they'd leave first thing in the morning.

Santana sighed. She didn't realize how grueling the tour would be and they'd only been doing it for less than a month; they had three months left to go. And that fucking song would not get out of her head. She kept catching herself humming it.

Brittany actually had some choreography to learn (that Mercedes hadn't arranged for) so she and Mercedes were wandering the mall looking in the jewelry stores.

"Hey, 'Cedes?"

"Yeah?"

"Would it be okay if we did another song tonight? I don't think this song is going to get out of my head if I don't sing it."

"I don't see why not. I mean, the dancers won't have anything prepared but I know Britt's a decent free-styler so, yeah. What song?" Mercedes frowned.

"Seriously?"

"Girl, Motown, R&B … whatever you been humming, ain't either of those."

Santana laughed. "Fair enough. It's an old Eagles tune … you have heard of them, right?"

Mercedes chuckled. "Yes, I've heard of them. Hotel California is classic."

Santana nodded. "They've got this song; Take It Easy and the one line is 'I'm standing on a corner in Winslow Arizona' and it's driving me crazy. I'm sure the folks here alternate between loving it and hating it but I think it might be a good 'get the audience participating' song.

"Sounds good to me. Get the music to the band and we'll warn the dancers."

"Great. Thanks." She sighed as they exited another jewelry store. "I know I haven't been looking for very long but I was really hoping to find it quickly, you know? Every time I go into a new store I get the nervous butterfly flare up. Then I leave and they kinda crumble."

Mercedes laughed. "Patience. It's been what? Less than two weeks?"

"Yeah. I know. Patience isn't really my thing though." She grinned. "Britt's worth it, though."

"Girl, you got it so bad."

Santana's grin just got bigger. She knew she did and she didn't care who else knew it too. She had the most amazing woman in the world in love with her and damned if she wasn't going to put a ring on it.

Xoxoxoxoxo

"How's everyone doing tonight?" Mercedes asked and the crowd of around eighty people cheered. "So glad you all came out to hear us tonight!"

They'd been performing for about forty minutes and the crowd really seemed into it.

"Now, my girl, Santana, over here," she pointed at Santana, "has had a problem all day. She's hoping you can help her with it. Don't blame me, this is all her." Mercedes winked at Santana as Santana took center stage.

"Way to throw me under the bus, Mercedes," Santana laughed, causing the crowd to laugh with her. "So, you all have to know this song and I'm guessing you either completely love it, completely hate it, or you go back and forth between the two. Feel free to join in!"

The band started playing the song and the crowd groaned and laughed and applauded.

"Here it comes …

Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona

And such a fine sight to see

It's a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford

Slowin' down to take a look at me

[Chorus]

Come on, baby, don't say maybe

I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me

We may lose, and we may win

Though we will never be here again

So open up, I'm climbin' in

So take it easy"

Santana had to laugh as the crowd shouted the first line. She heard Mercedes laughing behind her as well. She finished up the song and smiled and waved to the crowd.

"Thanks for that! Maybe now it'll get out of my head."

She stepped back and Mercedes stepped up again and continued with their normal set list.

Xoxoxoxoxo

After the show, the dancers, Mercedes, and Santana all wandered through the crowd. They liked talking to people, hearing what they had to say about the show; what they liked and didn't like. Most folks were pretty easy going and loved what they did. Some even wanted autographs.

Santana looked around and saw Brittany surrounded by six or seven kids and she was showing them some simple dance moves. Santana smiled at the sight; someday, Britt was going to be a great mom.

A woman in her mid-to-late thirties approached her.

"Hi. Santana, right?"

Santana nodded. "That's me," she smiled.

The woman seemed nervous; shifting on her feet, biting her lip.

"First of all, you have a beautiful voice. It caused to me stop and listen. While I was listening, I noticed something." The woman sighed, "My name is Janet. I have a fifteen year old daughter. Her name is Casey. Until about two or three years ago, Casey was really outgoing, friendly, always had a smile on her face, chatty. To Casey … a stranger was just a friend she hadn't met yet. Around two and a half years ago, that all changed. She became secretive, moody, closed off; she didn't hang out with her friends at all. At first, her father and I thought it was drugs …"

Santana just listened; she assumed there was a point to all of this and she was hoping Janet would get to it soon because she was getting hungry.

"But," Janet continued, "there were no other signs; her grades didn't slip, money wasn't mysteriously missing, she wasn't glassy eyed or spacey. Then we thought maybe it was just hormones, teenage moodiness. A few months ago, we saw some things that led us to believe she's gay." Janet bit her lip again. "We've tried to subtly, and not so subtly, let her know that it's okay. I'm worried. I'm scared. I don't know how to help her. The thing is … I was walking in the direction of the Hallmark store when I heard your voice and stopped to listen. I saw Casey in the crowd and … she was smiling. I haven't seen her smile, her real smile, in almost three years. She was watching you and … just seemed … enthralled? I guess? I … don't know what I'm asking here but …" she shook her head and took a deep breath. "I don't know if you're homophobic or anti-gay … I just … I want my daughter back. I guess what I want to ask is … if she does approach you, please be kind? I don't know if she will or not but the look on her face would suggest she will seek you out."

Santana smiled kindly as the woman finally got to the point. "I hear you. I got it. If she comes to talk to me, don't worry."

Janet let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you. I know I wasn't really coherent …"

Santana laughed. "You were fine. I get it. You don't know me and you're afraid and worried about your daughter."

"Thank you, again. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. And to her, if she comes to you." She glanced at her watch. "The mall closes in two hours, I really need to go get the things I came for. And … if she sees me, she may not approach you so, I'm going to slip away." Janet smiled and nodded as she walked off.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Santana talked to a few other people before spotting a young teen girl looking at her nervously. Without being obvious, Santana moved through the crowd in the girl's direction.

The girl was tall and heavier set with broad shoulders. She had light brown hair cut in layers that fell just past her shoulders. When she finally reached Santana, Santana noted that she had light brown eyes with gold flecks and was really very pretty. She was wearing a vintage gray Fleetwood Mac t-shirt, worn jeans that looked like they were worn in instead of artistically distressed, and a pair of black Chucks.

"Uh, h-hi," the girl stammered, "you-you're Santana, right?"

"I am. And you are?" Santana smiled kindly at the girl.

"Oh, I'm, um, Casey. I thought you were amazing."

"Thank you, Casey, I'm glad you enjoyed it."

Casey shifted nervously on her feet and, at that moment, Santana's stomach growled.

Santana laughed in embarrassment but she decided to take advantage of the moment. "Hey, I was headed over for a soft pretzel and some lemonade, wanna join me? My treat."

Casey smiled shyly. "Yeah. I'd like that."

They walked over to Auntie Anne's and Santana got a cinnamon sugar pretzel while Casey got an original. After getting their pretzels and drinks, Santana guided them over to a bench near where the stage had been. Most of the stage had been broken down and most of the crowd had dispersed; there were a few teens talking to Mercedes and Brittany was goofing around with a different group of teens.

They had been sitting quietly for a few minutes; Santana had wanted to give Casey a chance to get comfortable.

"I love your t-shirt. Fleetwood Mac is one of my all time faves."

Casey smiled brightly. "Yeah. I love Rumours but Landslide is one of my all time favorite songs. I can't really pinpoint why … it just kind of speaks to me, you know?"

"I totally understand." Santana smiles at the girl as she remembers singing Landslide for Britt.

"Why were you at the mall tonight?" She asked to keep the conversation flowing.

"Oh, my family and I came because my brothers needed new soccer cleats and I needed a pair of sneakers. Dad wanted to look at golf clubs and mom needed an anniversary gift for some friends of her and dad."

"How many brothers do you have?"

"Three. Davey is ten and the twins, Tommy and Daniel, are seven."

"Wow. That sounds like a handful."

Casey laughed, it was the first time she'd seemed relaxed since she'd approached Santana. "They can be but they're not horrible."

"That's good." Santana smiled.

They fell into silence again for a few seconds before Casey started talking again.

"Can I ask you something? Something personal? I mean … obviously you don't have to answer or whatever …" the younger girl rambled, not making eye contact with Santana.

"Hey, it's okay. Go ahead. If I don't want to answer, I'll just tell you, okay?"

Casey nodded. "Are you … are you gay?"

Santana smiled softly. "I am."

Casey looked up at her. "Do you, um, do you have a girlfriend?"

"I do." She smiled and looked over to where Brittany was laughing with the teens.

"The blonde dancer?" Casey asked.

"Brittany. Yeah."

"That's awesome." She fell silent again for a moment and fiddled with the hem of her t-shirt. Then she looked up at Santana and took a deep breath, "I'm gay," her voice was quiet, just above a whisper.

Santana smiled softly at her. "First time you said that out loud?"

Casey nodded, looking up to try and stem the tears that were threatening to fall.

"How's it feel?"

Casey took a deep breath and swiped at her cheeks. "Good. Scary. Kind of a relief."

"Yeah. Sounds about right. How long have you been holding it in?"

"Two years, I guess. Puberty hit and all my friends were talking about how cute this boy was and how hot Justin Timberlake was and … I just … was thinking the same things they were except about girls." She shrugged. "I didn't quite understand at first. It's Arizona, you know? Gay isn't really a thing but we do get television. So, like, I knew guys could like guys and girls could like girls but … I didn't know anyone like that. So I pushed them away and closed myself off so they wouldn't find out."

Santana nodded. "Yeah. I grew up in a small town in northwest Ohio. I understand. You're a lot braver than I was," she smiled, "I spent close to three years denying my feelings. Pretending to be straight."

"What happened?"

"Brittany happened. I was thirteen, almost fourteen, the day we met and I just knew. But I was terrified. Our connection was immediate. We became best friends. We fooled around but I pretended it didn't mean anything." She sighed. "I fought against it for so long. And, for awhile, Brittany was okay with that. Then she figured out she was worth more than the scraps I was willing to give her. Junior year was the worst. We worked through it, eventually. Then I screwed up." She shook her head. "Then, last year, after we'd spent ten months apart, she kissed me and said she wanted to be with me. A year later and I'm shopping for rings. Don't tell her," Santana winked.

Casey grinned. "That's awesome. So, it gets better?"

Santana got serious. "Absolutely. I'm not going to lie, though, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better." Santana sighed. "Being a teen is hard. Your hormones are going crazy, you're trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be, you're dependent on your parents and facing pressure from your friends. It kinda sucks."

Casey laughed.

Santana smiled at her. "But … you grow up. You figure some stuff out; a lot you don't figure out. What no one tells you is that everyone is fighting their own battles and nobody knows what the hell they're doing. We're conditioned, you know? Especially girls. To be nice and accommodating; to fit in and to please everyone. But you can't. You can't please everyone. Brittany said something to me when she was trying to convince me to give us another try." Santana paused, trying to remember the exact phrasing before shaking her head.

"She was trying to convince me to run off to Lesbos and live in a girl-on-girl paradise. I thought she was just running away because she was unhappy and didn't want to go back to school. But she said she didn't want to run away with me because she wanted to run away. She wanted to run away with me because we're the only two truly awesome people she's ever met and she was tired of doing things that only mattered to people who were less awesome."

Casey smiled at that.

"It reminded me of this old song my mom used to listen to; I don't remember the name of the song, who sings it, or even a word of it outside the chorus." Santana sang the words softly:

But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well

You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself

"We spend our lives trying to please other people." She shakes her head. "Britt's a genius; she figured out something I think most people never figure out. The only person you have any obligation or responsibility to … is you."

Casey nodded. "I'm just so tired. I mean, I just … wanna be me again. I wanna smile and laugh and be happy and joke with my friends I'm just so scared they'll all hate me. And … I don't know if my parents will be okay with it and …"

Santana smiled kindly at the girl and covered her hand with one of her own, remembering having all the same feelings except she became a popular bitchy cheerleader and Casey became … invisible.

"Hey … coming out is a process and you're the only one who can decide how you want to do it. It's not an all or nothing thing. You don't have to tell everyone. You can tell your mom but not your dad. Tell your best friend but not the guy that sits next to you in chemistry. Take your time and decide who's worth knowing you. Not everyone will be accepting and those are the people you don't want to know anyway. And I say that but I know how hard it is to live it. Living your truth isn't easy." She glances over at Brittany and points out the group of kids Britt's showing some dance moves to.

"See the little boy … he's maybe seven or eight? Look at him; he wants to dance but … he's afraid. You can see it. He's still too young to hide it. He wants to dance but someone … his parents, a grandparent, an older sibling … probably told him only fags dance. He's not old enough to even know what his truth is and he's already hiding it."

She looked back at Casey. "It's not easy for anyone because of the way we're conditioned. We want everyone to like and accept us but that's never going to happen."

Casey nodded her understanding. "There's this girl …"

Santana grinned. "Yeah. There usually is."

Casey laughed. "She's my best friend. The only one who didn't let me push her away. It's exhausting always hiding from her, trying to keep my feelings in check, being so careful about what I say or do. I just don't want to anymore."

"I get that. My advice? Be safe and smart about it. Have a bag packed and ready to go; clothes, money, a burner phone with numbers already programmed in, toiletries. Talk to an adult you trust; someone who will pick you up and can give you a place to stay while you figure things out if the worst happens and your parents throw you out. Start simple. Does your friend feel the same? Have you ever talked about this kind of thing?"

Casey shook her head. "I don't know. She's … weird, I guess. I mean, she'll say Boy So-And-So is so cute and then turn around and say Girl Such-And-Such is so hot."

Santana nods. "Bisexuality is a thing. Sexuality isn't one thing; it's a spectrum. There are sexualities out there that I don't even know."

"I don't know … I mean … dating someone who's bi? How do you know they're not just experimenting or something? That the first guy to come along won't sweep them away?"

"Bisexuality and infidelity don't necessarily go hand-in-hand. Britt's bi. We've talked about it a lot because of my insecurities. She pointed out that she would no more likely leave me for a man than a woman. She then asked me if I was going to leave her for another woman. Put in perspective; people cheat, sexualities don't. Someone who's committed is committed." She shrugs.

Casey smiled. "That makes sense."

Attention Shoppers: The Winslow Corner Mall will be closing in thirty minutes. Please make your final purchases and proceed to the exit.

"Casey, there you are!" Janet came walking over to the bench where the two young women were sitting. She smiled at Santana. "Hello. Santana, right?"

Santana nodded. "Yeah, I'm Santana."

Janet held out her hand. "Janet Duncan. Casey's mom. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you." Santana shook the woman's hand, playing along.

"I heard you sing earlier, you have a beautiful voice."

"Thank you," Santana grinned.

"Hey, San?"

"Yeah, babe?" Santana turned to see Brittany walking over to her.

Brittany smiled at Janet and Casey. "Hi. Sorry to interrupt but the mall is getting ready to close. You almost ready?"

"Give me a minute?"

Brittany nodded and pecked her cheek before going back to join Mercedes.

"Sorry for the interruption."

"No, not at all. Casey, your dad and the boys are waiting to leave, too."

Casey nodded; her face back to its non-smiling state.

"You and the blonde dancer are a couple?" Janet asked.

Santana nodded. "Brittany. Yeah, we've been on and off for six years. On for the past year and, hopefully, for good." She grinned brightly. "I'm ring shopping." Santana thought that giving Janet a little more to talk to Casey about might help.

Janet smiled. "That's wonderful. Congratulations." Then she laughed. "You'll definitely have beautiful children." Casey looked at her mother with a curious expression.

Santana laughed. "As long as they get Britt's temperament."

Janet laughed. "Well, we really need to get going. It was a pleasure meeting you, Santana." Janet held out her hand and Santana shook it again.

Casey bit her bottom lip as she looked at Santana. "Can I … um … would it be okay if I hugged you?"

Santana smiled and pulled her into a hug. "I think you're going to be fine. Good luck." She whispered.

"Thanks for everything," Casey whispered back.

As they hugged, Santana gave Janet a wink over Casey's shoulder. Janet looked relieved and mouthed 'Thank you' to which Santana just smiled.

They pulled apart and Santana watched as Janet slipped an arm around Casey's shoulders as they walked off.

Santana smiled as she walked over to join Mercedes and Brittany.

"Everything okay?" Britt asked her.

Santana smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I'll tell you about it later. Your timing couldn't have been better."

Brittany smiled and linked their hands. As the three of them left the mall, Brittany and Mercedes chatted brightly while Santana thought about the fact that she'd just given advice to another young teen and she really felt good about it.

Xoxoxoxoxo

Songs:

Take It Easy – Eagles

Garden Party – Rick Nelson (NOT Rick "The Stick" Nelson … what an unfortunate coincidence)