JENNIE

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I can't stop stop crying. My chest heaves as I try to calm the sobs.

What have I done?

I've never been so terrified in my life. My entire being is heavy with guilt. I've never felt so reckless and like I can't go back, I can't make it better. I thought once that I'd been at the lowest low possible, but I knew nothing.

I betrayed a woman I loved. A woman who if I ever see again will certainly have me killed.

I don't even know who I am anymore or how any of this happened. I want to take it all back. Burying my hot face into the pillow does nothing but mute the sobs from creeping through the paper-thin walls of this shitty motel.

The mattress is cheap, the sheets stiff from too much starch and the comforter a holdover from the eighties. There's enough money in that bag to stay at hotels I've never imagined myself in, but I couldn't bring myself to face more people than needed. There's no lobby here, just a teller at a window where cash is slipped under the plexiglass divider and a key is given in return.

There's a chair that looks to be decades old, a laminate desk, a single bed and the kind of old-fashioned bulky TV I haven't seen in ages and didn't know existed anymore. From the single window beside the bed, the traffic from the highway blows into the room with a gust of wind. My face is hot and more than once I've looked outside, at the five-story distance to the asphalt below.

I've thought about leaving the money for my mother. But they'd find it and then her, I'm certain of it. Fresh tears prick hot and unrelenting. I hate them and I hate myself.

I wish I could call her and tell her everything, but I can't drag her into this. It would only be selfish. The old landline phone stares back at me, willing me to call her, but I won't.

I could go to the hospital, but she'd find me there. My mother might even find me there and then I wouldn't be able to protect her. I have to be alone or go back to Lisa.

I picture myself begging her, on my knees and pleading with her rather than running.

Half of the time I imagine it, she tells me it's okay. The other half she looks at me as she did in the basement of The Club, telling me I should be terrified.

With my hands clasped to prevent them from shaking, I do everything I can to just calm down. I brush my teeth and change into a nightgown as though I'm going to bed. I wish I had the meds Lisa's been giving me to stop it all. To put me to sleep where I can't think about anything at all. I would do anything and take anything not to think right now, to just go to sleep and make it stop.

It's like even though I've left, I'm still trapped.

I'll never feel safe. I don't know what to do.

I wish I could erase all of this. But all of the wishes don't mean shit, do they? I fucked up … again. Every thought I have is that there's only one way to end it. The horns and screech of tires from down below drift into the room. A drizzle of rain starts and it's almost comforting. It would at least be over, then.

No more terrifying memories of Jisoo's eyes wide with fear before Nate snapped her neck.

No more of the cage being lowered into the tub.

No more of second-guessing my every move for fear of disappointing Lisa.

I don't know what happens once you die, but it can't be worse than this. Than every regret stealing your breath and every fear paralyzing you.

I don't think there was ever a real chance for us. I was never going to be good enough and she warned me. To her credit, she warned me. I wish she never wanted me and I could have just loved her from afar.

The memory of our first kiss plays back in my head. When she gripped my wrists and pinned me there. When kissed me like I was hers and had always been hers. The warmth, the way everything else faded.

At least I know what it was like to kiss Lisa Manoban.

And I swear I did feel loved by her. Even if it was just for a moment. Even if love wasn't enough.

Just as I open my eyes, letting the memory go, there's a gentle click at the flat wood door. I'm still as the knob turns and the door creaks in an eerie way.

I don't bother to move. I only watch as if it's a movie. I'm numb to it all until she stands there in the open threshold.

"Lisa." I whisper her name as the sight of her registers.

Sniffling, I sit up straighter, pulling the sheet closer. Is this real?

"There you are … you thought I'd let you go?"

It's crazy, the smile that wants to pull at my lips as I sniffle. The warmth from knowing at least she wouldn't let me run. She wouldn't let this torture last too long. It's absolutely fucking insane that I'm grateful I won't have to end it myself.

Tears leak from the corner of my eyes and I wipe them away as I manage to say, "I thought you might find me."

"You didn't run far," she says lowly, closing the door behind her and looking back only to lock it.

My movements are rigid and slow as I pull my knees into my chest. I can't look away from her, from the look of betrayal in her sharp steely gaze, or the anger that radiates from her broad shoulders as she stalks toward the bed. The floor groans with every step and all I can do is wait for her.

I wasn't prepared for this life—I had no idea what loving person like Lisa would be like. The intensity and how hard and fast I would fall, but how I would step on every land mine not realizing I needed to just stay still. I wish I could go back. In another life, we are meant for each other, but in this one, I'm not good enough. I wasn't prepared and in her world, one mistake could end your life. I've made more than my fair share of mistakes.

As she sits on the edge of the bed, I can picture her hand wrapping around my throat and I have to at least apologize first. I don't think she'll believe me if I were to tell her I love her, but she has to know I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so pathetic it's obvious that I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry," I whisper and the words are choked, barely audible.

Roughly, I wipe the pathetic tears away. My hands tremble as I do and to my surprise, Lisa holds me.

She doesn't shush me, but she brings me into her chest and the moment she shows me that bit of compassion, I break beneath her, clinging to her and holding onto her when I know I have no right.

With my head buried into her chest, I close my eyes and fall apart.

Her hand runs up and down my back as she lays us down, silently but gently.

She allows me the moment to grieve and I wish I could stop it. I wish I wasn't the pathetic regretful mess I am, but I can't stop it. By the time I'm done, both my body and eyes are heavy. It's like everything has given up. Sleep could pull me in now and take me forever.

My eyes open and I stare at the button on her collar. Inhaling her masculine scent and enveloped by her warmth, I dare to whisper into her chest, "Can you do it in my sleep?" My heart beats once, a dull thud. She's still, unresponsive, and I know I'm every bit the coward when I beg her, "I know I don't deserve it, but if you could," I pause to take in a shuddered breath before continuing, "if I could be asleep, I think it could be peaceful."

I'm left with shock and uncertainty as she swiftly pulls away and leaves me alone on the bed, slamming the bathroom door behind her.

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LISA

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I must be fucked in the head, but then again, I always have been. The back of my eyes sting as I grip the edge of the cheap pedestal sink in this shithole. The mirror is cracked and the silvering peeling off in one corner and my vision moves from it to my reflection as I do everything I can to just breathe.

Everything fucking hurts. Every piece of me is sickened and numbed from years of this fucked-up life.

She wants me to kill her while she sleeps. While she holds on to me, and falls asleep in my arms, she thinks I could do such a thing. I fucking love her. I love her more than I ever thought I could.

All I see when I look at Jennie is someone I want to protect. Someone I would burn the world to the ground for. How can she not see that? Am I truly such a monster she'd rather die? My hand shakes as I reach for my phone while it buzzes in my back pocket.

All she had to do, was stay with me … but I should have known better. She is sweet and naïve, she's curious and reckless … but how could a woman like her ever want to stay with me?

The screen lights up the bathroom as a storm brews outside. The small paned window in the cramped bathroom is cracked and a brisk breeze blows in. My entire body feels as if it's on fire one minute, then chilled the next.

Are you with her? Mino texts and my throat closes.

I've never felt such shame. My shoulders heave forward and it takes every ounce of control in me not so smash my fist into the mirror, shattering the glass.

This pain is something I've never felt. With my eyes closed and my breathing coming in ragged I try to hold it all back. To shove it all down.

I don't want any of this to be real anymore. I just want to go back. To rewind it all.

If ever there was a God who would listen to my pleas, I beg him now, please stop this. Hell, I'd sell my soul to the devil himself to make it stop. To make her happy and safe. Even if it means a life without me.

I'd rather die than for her to think I'd ever hurt her.

Crash!

Bang!

"Hands where we can see them!" Shock rips through me at the sound of the door to this shit motel room being kicked in. It's nearly surreal as I walk out, the bathroom door creaking open in complete opposition to the screaming and chaos.

"Freeze!"

"Get on the floor, get on the floor!"

"Lisa Manoban, come out with your hands up!"

"Hands behind your back!" The moment they see me, orders are made. My response is nearly automatic. I've been arrested more times than I can count, let alone remember.

"On what grounds?" My tone is flat as I focus on Jennie, still under the covers, her eyes wide with new fear.

"It's okay," I try to tell her but an officer speaks over me. I don't recognize any of these men. All decked out in tactical gear, there are six of them to just the two of us. A chill runs down my spine.

"You're wanted in the questioning of Sooya's murder."

The blood drains from my face at the mention of her name. But I've been through this shit before. This is a game I can play. "Don't say anything, Jennie. Don't consent to a search. Don't talk to anyone other than to tell them you want your lawyer."

Deep voices cry out and guns are held by men in uniform, pointing not just at me, but at Jennie. Anger tears through the denial, through the shame. Through fucking everything.

"Leave her alone!" With both hands in the air, I scream to Jennie that it's okay. Her hair is disheveled, her eyes red rimmed. My heart only beats again when she looks at me. It beats as if it's the last time blood will flow through my veins. It all happens too fast once I register what she's going to do. I can't stop it.

"I'm sorry," she whispers before ignoring their warnings and running to the window. She's reckless, my naïve girl. No, no, don't jump. Please, save her. My motions aren't fast enough, and I can't rip my arms from their grasp.

"Jennie, no!"

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