"I almost killed myself," Luz whispered. At first she wondered if she had even managed to say out loud. If she hadn't, and only spoken it in her head, she doubted she'd be able to correct the error. The effort of even saying it once was so great, she wanted to retract the very idea.

Emerald smoke curled from her cauldron and she hunched over the potion, stirring vigorously as if she could outwork whatever was said, drown it out with stimulus. If her brain was too enveloped in smell and color and bursts of idea, then whatever she was afraid of didn't happen.

But no, Eda stood from her seat nearby, where she had been offering helpful guidance as Luz devoted more earnest study to potioneering, and looked at Luz with…but that wasn't shock. Luz had been expecting surprise, screaming, uproar and outrage at the idea that she would throw her life away like some coward.

Especially with how sudden her statement was. Not that the prior conversation had been light, exactly. In between babbling about potion ingredients and where Luz could track down better ones, they had been discussing life. The new norm, as it was.

Luz's return to human realm school, after a break of a couple months to get her bearings. The strange experience of disdainful treatment and struggle in the human realm, while she was subjected to constant publicity in the Isles. How nice it was to have potion lessons as this little escape, slowly gaining back confidence in her identity as a witch, as she learned new ways to work around her lack of magical ability.

She didn't mean for the conversation to turn so serious. She didn't mean for the topic of her near-suicide to ever get brought up, to anyone, but as she talked to Eda about her feelings now, about the confusion and anxiety and the pull between her double lives, the effort it took to get out of bed some days, she knew there would never be a better chance. And now the words were spoken, and it was too late to turn away.

"Before I returned," said Luz, quickly. "When I got separated from you for a few months. I wanted to kill myself."

"Oh, kid…"

"I'm sorry," Luz mumbled. "I'm really sorry. I know that sounds so stupid, especially after what happened. It doesn't even matter now. Obviously I didn't do it, and then I died for real, and I didn't want it. I came back. I'm sorry to bring it up, I'm sorry-"

"Hey." Luz broke off as Eda held out her arms, and she didn't hesitate, letting Eda wrap her in a hug. "You don't need to apologize," Eda murmured. "It's okay. I thought maybe something like that had happened."

"What?" Had she really been so unsubtle? So mopey and fretful, even in the demon realm? "You didn't see me at my worst, in the human realm. How could you have known? I was so happy around you. Did it show?"

"You weren't that obvious, if that's what you're worried about. But you forget how alike we are. I know all the tricks." She smiled sadly. "I'm glad you told me."

Thank titan Eda kept in control. Luz thought she might respond differently, panic and hold onto her and ask her incessantly if she ever planned to do something like that again. Eda was calm. She understood.

"I…I thought…I don't know. I thought everyone would be better off. Because I messed things up so bad. Because I've always messed things up. I knew people would miss me, but I thought eventually they'd just be better off. And I…I got up to do it one night. Did this stupid little goodbye kiss to Amity while she was sleeping and everything."

"What stopped you?"

"Amity had a nightmare and I had to wake her up and comfort her."

Eda made a dimmed version of her snorting laugh. "Girlfriend duties, huh?"

"Yeah," Luz tried to chuckle. "Sort of. But I did realize, it was more of an excuse. I really didn't want to die. I was so scared, I just went numb. I feel like I would have done it and not felt real until I started choking and then I would have tried screaming for help. I would have changed my mind. But then it might have been too late. And I'd have been actually dead. And I'd never have seen you again."

Luz's heart pounded as she imagined it, the fantasy scenario interspersed with her actual death. The way she had actually seen her body crumble, the feel of her head rotting and hollowing out, as she could do nothing but try to reassure her loved ones. To think she had almost willingly done something like that. And to think part of her had thought that maybe, rotting away from Belos's mold might be an acceptable end. That sinking down into that peaceful lake, vanishing into nothing was fitting for her.

She clutched Eda tighter. "But I don't want to die. I never did. Not really."

Eda gently brushed Luz's hair away from her face. "Kid, you're the most spirited person I've ever met. Of course you wouldn't want to die."

"But you said you weren't surprised."

"I know what running can look like. Now I don't like to talk about it much, I think we both know that. But...I've had those feelings too."

"Really? What - I mean, you don't have to talk about it."

"I almost made some serious mistakes because I thought the same thing as you, that somehow people would be able to just 'move on' without me. And that sacrificing myself was going to make a bigger impact than staying alive. I didn't want to wait around to find out what else there was because I thought it would always be lonely, and I'd just hurt more people. And because I had stupid thoughts like that, I almost missed out on all this. You and King, Raine and Lily and all my family. And…and knowing what it's like to lose you, even for a few minutes…" Eda's composure threatened to break for a moment and Luz went to hug her. "That's something I could never heal from. You could cause all the damage in the world and I'd rather that than ever have something like that happen again." Before Luz could reply, she added, "And don't take that to mean you do cause too much trouble. I know what you were thinking."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"No more sorrys unless you think I should start apologizing too." Luz shook her head vigorously and Eda smiled, ruffling her hair. "There's nothing to apologize for. You're safe, and you told me what was going on. Don't let those guilty thoughts get you."

Luz nodded. "The, uh, the Titan gave me a choice, when I died. It's like he knew, too. He told me I had to choose myself, and I did hesitate. I wanted life, but some part of me thought it might be better if I just sunk down forever, in that water I told you about. But I chose to live." Luz wiped away the beginnings of tears. "I thought sacrificing myself was the way to go, but it wasn't. I'm so glad I chose myself, instead of just…letting that happen." She hesitated, wringing her hands together. "But even though I did that, I still...I still need help. I'm not better. I'm really struggling."

Now she could see how much Eda was fighting to maintain her composure; this was why she hated to bring up the event at all. But she had to get the rest of this out, and after a pause where she didn't know what to say, Eda encouraged her. "Yeah? What's been going on?"

"I don't want to die anymore. Not like that. But I'm also not feeling okay. I should be happy. We defeated Belos. I'm alive! But I feel the old feelings coming back, especially when I'm at school, and I'm having so many nightmares, and I still just feel empty, and I don't want to get close to doing anything like that again. I've been trying to just push through but I really, really need more help. I think I need to talk to people more, and I need you to check up on me. And I'm not clicking right with my therapist, I think I need someone different. And I want to do a project, not for rebuilding the Isles or school or whatever, but just for fun, no expectations. And Iwant to rest. I'm trying to do all these things but also I don't think I can do it alone. I want to get better. It's like I beat the suicidal thoughts but I'm still in a weird state and I don't know how to get out of it."

Eda's eyes shown with pride. "Look at you, only fifteen, admitting what I couldn't in my thirties. You've got so much to be proud of. Me, Raine, your mom, we're going to get you the help you need. I don't know how long it'll take, but we're going to get you through this. Okay?"

"Okay," Luz said softly, as Eda scooped her into a hug. A gesture of affection Eda would never have dared to do a year ago, she now did with such comfortable ease, and Luz readily snuggled back. Before, Luz would have said it was a miracle of prophetic design, that two people set on destroying themselves could manage to keep going until they found each other like this. But it wasn't. They continued because as much as they'd like to deny it, they wanted life, and they chose it. They chose to be here even when their minds screamed it was necessary to leave, to destroy themselves, that life would descend into greater emptiness if they stayed. They chose to stay, and somewhere on the painful journey, they found each other, and so many others, and they started to get used to feeling comfort alongside the despair. Luz couldn't say whether it outweighed the hardship yet, but it was easier to see, and hold onto. Maybe it would shrink again, but it never left. As long as she kept choosing life, it could never leave entirely. And if staying alive meant she could experience love like this, she would try to choose it forever.