AN: Welcome back to the next chapter! Hope you're enjoying this fic. As I rewatch Degrassi I continue to get ideas and know where the story is going already. I might time skip a little bit just to get through the holidays a bit, the majority of the next few chapters will take place in the winter break before the beginning of season 12.
Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi, I only own this idea.
Chapter Fourteen: Holiday Unrest
It is entirely a weird notion, having her mother back in town, and Clare doesn't know how to admit that out loud. Would it be rude to say that to her mother? Sure, it was nice having Helen Edwards back in town for the holidays-it was the one time of year that growing up Clare felt like everything was magical. But this year? It feels like there was some sort of added pressure on her to be perfect and to handle everything with some sort of composure when all she wanted was to curl up and scream at times.
"Are you sure you don't need me to go into the appointment with you?" Helen asks, looking at Clare. At Clare's request, Helen had come along with Clare and Audra to the OB/GYN appointment, but when the nurse just announced Clare's name Clare had gotten up and said she would be back afterwards.
"I can do this on my own." She assures her mom with a slight nod of her head, unsure if it's more of a comment meant to inspire confidence in Helen that she's ready to do this on her own, or herself. Besides, she's done two of these appointments on her own before, why should this one be any different? Even if the second one had been only a check up, as the ultrasound machine hadn't been working that day.
As she walks with the nurse to the exam room, Clare knows why it's different this time, because she's further along and because everything is more real this exam. This time, she might be able to hear a heartbeat when they do an ultrasound. This time, she might be far along enough to determine the gender of the baby, if that's something she wants to know. This time, everything continues to get real. This time, her mother and her guardian are both in the waiting room with her. This time, she knows that she's got a time to prepare herself before she has to face seeing Eli again after one of these appointments.
This time, this time, this time. She could come up with a hundred other things in her mind.
Sitting in the office, knowing that everyone who's on the other side is there for her, feels weird enough and adding that on to what will happen today. After the nurse had gotten routine bloodwork, Clare was left alone in the room waiting for the doctor. The nerves in her body made the clothes she was wearing feel almost scratchy in a way. She looks around the room, tapping her legs against the edge of the exam table when the doctor came in.
"Good morning Clare." Doctor Tyler says with a kind smile, taking a seat on the round chair and wheeled toward Clare. "How have you been feeling?"
"I've had a little bit of morning sickness lately, I took it a bit more as I was stressed with finals, but maybe it's because we're really in the second trimester now? I did some reading and saw that some people get more sick in those weeks than earlier on in the pregnancy, but I'm not sure. It could still have been the stress of studying. Oh, and I've been tired a lot lately, but also not sleeping well? Again, could be stress related." Clare couldn't think of anything else that was important to go over. The last appointment she'd had during school hours, they had gone over the routine that Clare had gotten into and the appointments. This was really just a follow up as they hadn't been able to get an ultrasound at the time.
"And how are you feeling? Emotionally, not physically."
"Oh," Clare's taken aback by the question, pausing as she thinks about how to answer it. How is she feeling emotionally? Stressed is the first word that comes to her mind. "I guess I've been dealing with some stress. From school work, and then also my ex and I have gotten into some fights. It's not been going well. But I've been opening up to other people about the pregnancy, and they've all been really helpful and nice about it, so I think that's helped. My mom's in town for the holidays, or maybe longer? I'm not sure how that's going to work out just yet. And things with my dad...well, I'm not ready to cross that bridge."
"Just remember that it's important to keep yourself healthy, and that means both physically and mentally. So, you should work on that stress level and if the morning sickness is really bad then we can discuss medicines or herbal ways that might help relieve those feelings." Doctor Tyler says with a nod of her head, typing into the computer notes from what Clare said. "Okay, if you're ready we can grab the ultrasound and get that set up. Have you decided if you want to know the gender of the baby?"
The technician comes into the room with the machine and begins helping the doctor set everything up as Clare is still weighing the question posed. While she's been entirely certain that she wants to keep the baby, knowing the gender makes everything feel more real, official. The weight of it all.
"Is it...will we know for certain today?" Clare asks, settling into everything on the table as she looks between the doctor and the technician.
"You're about seventeen weeks, so it's entirely possible we'll be able to determine gender today, again if that is something that you want to know. We'll also be using a doppler, and let you hear the heartbeat as well." Doctor Tyler turned away from setting everything up and looked at Clare. "I know that you have people in the waiting room, Clare, did you want to bring them in here for this?"
She shakes her head immediately, Clare knows that they're there for her, and if she asked for them both her mother and Audra Torres would come into the room in a moment, but she doesn't want them right then.
The doctor nods her head at Clare, tells her to lean back, and starts with the doppler in order to find the heartbeat. Clare's heard these sounds before on television and in movies, but hearing this in person is totally different. The sound coming out of the machine, the picture on the screen-what the app told her looks like an orange, or a turnip, or a pear-is her baby. The sound coming from the machine is inside her, that is her baby's heartbeat. It's the first time she's hearing the sound and she's overwhelmed with the notion that it's her baby. Sure, she had the original ultrasound during her first appointment. The tiny picture on the screen with the arrow pointing to the baby the size of a fig. This baby was actually tangible on the screen.
With the ultrasound up on the screen, Clare looked from the picture to the doctor and Doctor Tyler spoke first, "I can tell you the gender if you'd like to know."
"I think I might like that." Clare says quietly, nervously, a bit of wonder tied up and bundled with the nerves in her voice. After the heartbeat, Clare came to the realization that the gender was just another step. That this was all real. Nothing was going to make it any more real than it already was, and these moments in the room alone were just going to be more steps toward everything.
The doctor looks at the screen and then back to Clare, and then she tells her, but everything sounds a bit underwater at the time it happens. Clare doesn't quite hear her fully, it's like it's locked away from her knowledge and she just nods a bit along with the doctor's voice like she knows she should because it's the right thing to do.
Every moment of the trip with her mother was, for lack of a better word, interesting. Clare and Helen had always had a bit of a tumultuous relationship, but having her mother back after everything it was actually nice. Of course, the splitting of time between the Torres house and her mother's hotel was a different experience. She'd gotten used to staying in the guest room of the Torres home, come to think of it as hers.
"Our first holiday without Dad and Darcy." Clare muses as she sits down at the restaurant with her mother that night. Tensions between Helen and Randall Edwards had always existed, maybe Clare hadn't been able to pick up on them as a kid but she certainly got better at it over the years especially once her sister had left for Africa.
"I'm sorry that it's at a hotel, but we're working on the divorce agreement." Helen lets out a small sigh, fidgeting with her napkin and playing with the glass of wine she ordered as soon as they'd been seated. "I think we're going to sell the house, split the cost, and both move on." The comment makes Clare gasp. She hadn't really begun to think about all of that, the nuances of everything that came with the divorce and actually dividing everything. "Does that upset you? Clarebear, I'm sorry, I thought you realized..."
Clare cuts her mother off with a small wave of her hand, placing her hand on top of her mother's and speaking, "It just shocks me, mom. I didn't realize you were that far into the divorce. I didn't..." Clare trails off for a moment. Then, she asks what she fears, "Does that mean you're moving back to Calgary? For good."
Helen shook her head, "Gosh no, sweetheart, I just needed the time to clear my head. I've got to work and find a place for us. I'll go back to Nana and Pop's for a little while after the holidays, make sure they're alright, and then be back. Maybe you and I can go look for a place? I would really love if you could come with me."
"Mom, I just...are you okay with all of this? With me? And the baby, I mean."
"Clarebear, I know your father and I, we didn't have the best reactions. I can never take that back and say sorry enough for that. Lord knows I can't forgive your father for so many things, but that night how he treated you it was...I never want you to feel like you are unwelcome in my home. Just because you're at the Torres home right now, doesn't mean you aren't my daughter. I love you so much, and I'm coming to terms with being a grandmother. I'm sorry it's taking me a while, I don't want you to think I'm never not in your corner. For you, and for Darcy, I know I've been a bit...well, we've all had our disagreements, but I am in both of your corners. Always, and I want you both to know that."
It was the way her mother was speaking, the way Helen seemed to be assuring Clare that she was there for her no matter what that almost got Clare into a fight or flight mode. Clare wants to believe her mother, because she's been wanting a good relationship with her, a better relationship with her-since everything happened she's been hoping that things would be better. But this seems too good. Clare is a bit reluctant to agree, a bit worried to get her hopes up fully.
However, she does nod her head. "I'd like that. To go look at houses with you. And, maybe, if Darcy does wind up coming back to town for a bit we could include her? She mentioned in one of her emails earlier to me that she might be coming for a visit or something but didn't say when. Which reminds me, I emailed her when you got here, I haven't checked yet today, do you mind?" Clare pulls her phone from her coat pocket, and before she even gets a response from her mother she opens up her email, refreshing and hoping that maybe there will be an email from her sister.
Clare,
I can look into a video chat, but it would be a totally different time for one of us. But I would absolutely love to see your face! I haven't yet found out when I might be coming back to town, or if I'll even get the opportunity. There's still so much happening on this trip. We're getting a bit more stable with connection soon with the holiday coming up, so I might be able to swing something in the next couple of days. Send me an email back as soon as you get this with whatever days or times might work for you and I'll see if I can make it work for me! And if mom is there too, then sure, she can join in on the call! But I'm far more excited to talk with you about everything, Clare.
xo, Darcy.
The email makes her smile, immediately she replies that any time that works for her sister would work for her. That she hasn't been sleeping well most nights anyway, so if Darcy's timezone works better for late nights for them it would be fine to do something later for her too. She doesn't yet mention that to her mother, but she does know that she should if Darcy does wind up being able to video chat.
"The Torres' invited us both to their holiday celebration at the house, Clare. Is that something you want to do, or would you rather do something at the hotel just the two of us?" Helen asks.
"I think, well, if you're asking me for my honest opinion. I would like to spend it with them and you. I think that maybe we could do something just the two of us before the actual day, since I know you're flying out right after?"
"That sounds fine, Clarebear." Helen replies. "And, sweetheart, about your father."
"I don't want to talk about him, or to him." Clare answers harshly, shaking her head as she looks away from her mother. "Not now. It's my decision, just like it was his to kick me out of the house, and out of his life."
"Alright, let's focus on our dinner, then."
Clare's sure that her mother wants to ask her more about that comment, but she isn't sure why. Maybe her mother feels badly for everything that happened, or she just wants to know what's going on with everything. Clare's not entirely sure about it, but she knows that she doesn't want to have the conversation.
"So, usually mom and dad go to dad's work holiday party and they're out all night, so we can throw our own holiday party," Adam says with a slight shrug of his shoulders, "Except last year we were away for the holidays so we didn't get to actually do that. But Drew and I were wondering what you wanted to do."
Drew and Adam were sitting on the floor of the basement playing video games while Clare lays across the couch, a heating pad on the small of her back with a book in her hands as she relaxes. She looks up at the question and saw both brothers looking at her expectantly.
"Oh, well, it's your house." Clare says softly, a little surprised that they're asking her.
"You live here too, Clare." Adam insists.
"Yeah, you're practically helping mom build up the new basement room for the hockey player, and you've organized the whole basement books and movies alphabetically. Are you saying you don't get a say?" Drew adds with a roll of his eyes, gesturing with the game controller to the whole room.
Laughing, Clare leans up on her elbows to look around the room, "I organize when I can't sleep. I figured I could do that more down here than upstairs." She says honestly. She had spent a couple of hours one night going through all the movies and books across the shelves and organizing them the way she had them done in her own room at home. "I can put them all back if you want."
"No, it's fine, really." Adam nods his head. "But, seriously, if we throw a party, are you up for that?"
"When?"
"Probably small, maybe just before New Years. We'd have to check to see when their holiday party is on the calendar. Sometimes it changes, but I think with the hockey player coming in we're not going on a trip this year, so we're around." Adam shrugs his shoulders. "Will you feel okay?"
"Adam, I'm pregnant. I don't have some disease. Morning sickness just happens at any point of the day." Clare explains with a small sigh. "I think I should be fine."
"There might be a couple of people there who don't know, like some of our friends, the new billet brother, Bianca..."
"Actually Bianca knows." Clare and Drew say at the same time.
Drew raises his eyebrows at Clare, "You didn't tell Adam about telling Bianca?"
"With exams and moving out and trying to balance everything, I didn't really care about who knew who knew." Clare answers with finality, sitting up and closing her book. "I mean, please, I didn't even realize when I told Alli and Jenna that Spinner overheard it." Clare's playing with the cover of the book and tapping her fingers, avoiding the words she's going to say next. "Will you be inviting Eli? It's your party, obviously, invite whomever you want, but I just want to be prepared."
Drew and Adam share a look, Clare recognizes it immediately. It's one of the Torres Brother Looks™ that means they're having a silent conversation between the two of them. It's something she envies about their relationship. She never got to have that with Darcy, whether it was the age difference or the fact that they were just vastly different, Clare never really knew, but this is always something she wanted to have with her older sister. She has it now, with her friends-that unmistakable, undeniable connection wherein you can just tell what the other person is thinking.
"I think that we can cross that bridge when we get to it." Drew says with a shrug of his shoulders. "We haven't really thrown a good party in a while, the guest list, our friends, we don't really have the same crowds. Two of us do."
"We'll figure it out." Clare agrees, laying back down on the couch. "Now if you explain this video game to me maybe I can pick it up when I'm up late at night."
AN: Thanks so much for reading, I hope you're enjoying the story so far! I'm looking forward to continuing my work on the story and getting into everything else I have planned.
