Zoro sat at the table, eating the stew slowly, ripping off pieces of bread and dipping them in the broth and handing the pieces to Babbi, who chewed and sucked on them and then threw her arms out, little hands fisted, growling in delight. The little display of culinary appreciation made Sanji preen.
The conversation and laughter swirled around Zoro, a cocoon of light and energy, but he was having trouble focusing on the particulars of what people said.
Bapa.
Maybe it was just part of her babbling. A sound she was trying out. Babies did that, didn't they?
She grinned at him, mushed meat and soggy bread squishing between her gums, wiggling the tips of her ears. She held her bottle between her hands, and had a towel tied around her neck, courtesy of Sanji, who bemoaned they hadn't gotten any bibs while in the baby shop.
Well. If he'd known .
The shop should really have signs explaining what things were for.
Wind blew outside. The ship rocked gently, the broth in his bowl rising from one edge to the other in a soft sway.
Babbi grunted and looked around, moaning a little.
"It's okay," he murmured, bouncing his knee and tightening his arm around her. "It's safe here." She tipped her head back against his chest, craning her neck to look up at him with two huge eyes, shimmering in the lantern light. He looked back at her, silent and unblinking. Waiting.
She grinned and tried to pat his face. She slapped him instead. He winced.
When supper was over and everything put away, they all headed to bed, calling various goodnights to each other and ruffling Babbi's ears and tufty hair. Zoro took her downstairs, and changed her from the rice bag into a soft, thick, cushy onesie that made her look like a little bear cub. With long pointy ears. She kicked her little legs and kept trying to catch his ears - which he dodged - and overall made it hard for him to get her in the thing, but finally the pants part was on her legs and the arms were on her arms, and he got the front buttoned up.
She touched it, rubbing chubby little fingers along her belly, cheeks round and plump in a way they hadn't been before.
The corner of his mouth lifted. "You like it? Uncle Usopp and weird Uncle Sanji got it for you. You've got proper pjs now."
She blew bubbles down the front.
Lifting her up in his arms, he tucked her in close to his neck and rocked, humming quietly in her ear.
Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns to brass,
Papa's gonna buy you a looking glass.
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Papa's gonna buy you a billy goat.
And if that billy goat won't pull,
Papa's gonna buy you a cart and bull.
And if that cart and bull turn over,
Papa's gonna buy you a dog named Rover.
And if that dog named Rover won't bark,
Papa's gonna buy you a horse and cart.
And if that horse and cart fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.
One of her ears draped over his shoulder. Warm little breaths tickled his neck, smelling of meat and spices and milk. Little fingers opened and closed slowly in his shirt as he sang and patted her back, swaying with the motion of the ship, anchored safe in the harbor.
He tucked her into her new bed, a hammock just her size, warm and cozy with all of the knitted blankets. She wriggled and made little sounds, and he couldn't tell if they were just sleepy sounds as she got comfortable or the beginning of her working up into a discontent. She reached for him, sleepy eyes blinking open to look for him.
"Ba… Bapa… Bapa…"
His chest clenched. Reaching in he let her grab and feel his hand while he rubbed her belly, humming to her.
"Bapa… Bapa… Bapa…"
"Ohhhh!" Usopp squealed in a whisper, entering the bunkroom behind Sanji. "She's callin' you Papa! She's claimed you as her daddy!"
The sniper's delight brought a flush to his cheeks, and he shot a glare in Usopp's direction. The man didn't care, climbing into his hammock with a huge grin.
Sanji smirked, pulling off his jacket.
Zoro watched her for a moment, her eyes closed, her mouth moving in sleep as if she were still calling him… that… so he carefully began slipping his hand free. Immediately she squirmed and cracked her eyes again, whining.
He frowned.
Did she not like the bed?
Did she not want to sleep alone?
She'd been sleeping on him, or in a nest of his scarves and shirts, since the beginning.
Keeping his hand on her, he turned and reached back, stretching, and snagged his scarf from the hook on the wall. He tucked it in around her, under her face and between her arms. She immediately rolled onto her side, fingers closing in the fabric with a little sigh.
"Looks like you've been adopted," Sanji remarked in a whisper.
Zoro stepped back, watching to see if she woke up again. She didn't.
So far.
"What should I do?" he asked, also in a whisper.
His two crewmates stared at him.
He picked up the satchel, and hung it where his scarf had been. Then he turned and sat down on the floor, leaning back against the wall, arms draped over his knees. "I'm not her dad," he finally whispered, when they just kept staring.
"Well… I mean, you kinda are." Usopp shrugged.
"No I'm not." Zoro shook his head, even though his chest ached when he said it. "She belongs to somebody. Her real parents. They're probably worried sick about her."
"Is that what you've been doing?" Sanji asked. "With Nami's maps? Tryin' to find the Malorans?"
His gut twisted, but he nodded. "Yeah."
Usopp's grin was gone now, the corners of his mouth pulled down. "You find anything?"
"No."
The whispered conversation paused, the only sound the faint sound of wind and waves outside, and the creak of the ship.
"I've - been a lot of places," Sanji whispered slowly. "A lot of places. And - I've never, ever heard of or seen the Malorans. I always thought they were a myth. One of those stories sailors and pirates tell."
"She's not a myth."
"No, she isn't." Sanji agreed. "But it means - finding her home and her family may take a long time. If it's even possible. And - she might not have them anymore. To take a baby, from loving parents - they may be -"
"I have to try." Zoro whispered. His chest felt tight. "If her parents are alive at all, I have to try."
Sanji bit his bottom lip thoughtfully, studying him. Zoro fought the urge to squirm. "And - being 'Papa' to her?"
His gut twisted again. He couldn't tell if it was a good feeling or a bad one, so he pulled off his boots, pushed himself up and climbed into his hammock. "'Night, cook."
It was silent for a second, then a heavy, long-suffering sigh reached his ears, and another hammock creaked.
A sleepy coo came from the hanging basket. A sound released on a little, sleepy breath.
He reached over, and let his hand hang over the edge, finding her shoulder. The warmth and steady rise and fall under his palm was soothing, and he fell asleep.
An explosion rocked the boat, shaking and tossing his hammock. Light flashed, and the ship tipped, sending the hammock the other way. Zoro swung (fell) to the floor, reaching for the little basket -
It was empty.
No, no, no, no - they'd taken her!
"Babbi! "
"She was fussing, idiot. Usopp took her for a bottle." A voice from the darkness grumbled.
A bottle. That was normal. Sanji and Usopp had taken to getting up with her from time to time. Even Nami, if the fussing woke her. Most times he still did it, but he'd appreciated the help and the extra sleep.
He didn't get to nap as much during the day anymore. So any extra sleep at night was a good thing.
Babbi was fine.
She was with Usopp.
She just needed some milk.
Lightning flashed again, waves crashing against the hull. The floor tipped.
And suddenly his nose was filled with the scent of moldy straw and blood, and in his eyes - layered over the room he knew he was in - he could see the shadows of the bars in the flashes of lightning. Worse than that, he could see them . They were in the corners of the room, standing there. Looking at him. Waiting. Gone in the flashes, there in the dark. Ugly shadows. Waiting for her to make a sound.
Zoro shook his head, stumbling back and slamming into the wall, his heart hammering so hard in his chest it hurt his ribs.
It's not real. We're on the Merry.
The floor rolled under him, throwing his weight. He slid down, the wood rubbing against his shirt and hair. He ground his teeth and hissed for breath.
All Blue, he could feel the grime and straw under his bare feet and hands.
He knew it wasn't real. He knew it was just memory, and nothing more. A flashback. He knew that, in a small part of his mind, but the rest of his mind was in the cell and choking fear was flooding through him in a way it hadn't before, not even on that boat. It clawed its way through his veins and sucked the breath out of his lungs and sent his thoughts scattering like a panicked flock of birds, screeching and terrified with no direction to go.
The rain slapped the window and pattered against the hull, the waves crashing and roaring and rolling them without mercy. The thunder crackled and shrieked and his ears filled with bleating and screams.
It's not real, it's not real, Luffy found me, they found us. I'm on the Merry. Babbi is with Usopp…
He could feel them in the shadows. Pressing in. Staring. Waiting. Listening. Their clubs in their hands, still dripping. He could smell the blood. Hear the terrified screams, the awful thudding of sticks. The growls of the beasts. The sound of tearing and rending.
The blood running across the floor towards him.
They were going to do that to Babbi. A little child. A baby. They would have hit her and hit her, and fed her to those beasts. He pressed the back of his hand into his mouth, trying to muffle the sounds that backed up in his throat, fighting to be free. Screams of terror and rage, of defiance.
The storm shrieked outside, filled with the echoing bleats of Goat.
I should be braver than this. I should be stronger than this. It's over, we're fine, she's fine…
He sucked in breaths, darkness creeping up the wall behind him, looming over him with its endless black and horror. It draped his shoulders with fear, trying to take his mind back.
Back to that cell.
"Zoro?"
With the waves tossing the ship as though they were sinking. With the slavers waiting to hurt and kill. With the beasts, pacing and hungry. Always hungry.
A growl tore free between his teeth, wet and angry and frightened.
"Luffy - Zoro is -"
If he could just sit here, just wait for the night to play out. Wait for the memory to wear itself out and bleed itself dry.
All Blue, he was so frightened.
He didn't want to remember. Didn't want to relive those moments.
They dragged through his mind anyway, one long second at a time, in glorious, terrible, flashing color. The straw scraped beneath him, soft and spongy with rot and soilage, the grit of the wood, the smells -
"Zoro?"
The touch of the hand was like a brand on his skin, and he jerked, his fingers tightening in his hair.
"It's okay, Zoro." Luffy crouched in front of him, curly hair black even in the flashes, eyes dark and soft and bottomless. "You're with us. On the Merry."
"I know." Those two whispered words tore from his throat like knives.
"Just breathe through it, mosshead." Sanji was kneeling next to him, hand hovering. Face grim and sad.
They didn't know, and they didn't understand. He was in two places at once, his body with them but his mind back, back in a place he'd thought he'd escaped.
He shuddered, the thuds of sticks on flesh pounding through his ears. He covered them. Goat - a sob caught in his throat, and he hunched, forehead to his knees.
Goat hadn't deserved that.
He'd been so scared.
He hadn't needed to die because he was scared.
Warmth settled on his right side, and then on his left. Spices and onion on the left. Meat and salty sea on the right.
The ship rolled under them, and Babbi shrieked, the next to be heard...
He threw out his right arm, seeking purchase, and Luffy caught it. An anchor. Another hand covered and pressed, hard, on his left shoulder. Grounding him.
Lightning cracked, shaking the room.
Waves hit the ship hard and high enough to throw water through the windows. The world seemed like it was turning upside down.
Zoro growled through his teeth and tears, the growl becoming a roar.
"The memory will end," someone whispered in his ear. "It will end."
The first grey light of morning found him curled against the railing, his legs sprawled in front of him, staring up at a sky clearing of clouds and sparkling with the last of the stars and the first hint of morning. The storm had been mild, only made terrible by his own memory, and it had ended after just a few hours.
He'd escaped the bunkroom and found refuge in the fresh air, damp and clean and cold.
He'd known people who'd suffered what he had last night. Caught by memories and things from the past, reliving them as if they were there again.
It had been a strange and new torment, to find himself so completely and utterly torn in two - both lost in the memory as if it were truly happening, and aware that he was not there and it was not real but being unable to do anything about it. As if he had become possessed, and the only thing to do was wait and hope for it to end on its own.
Footsteps patted towards him on the wet deck boards, and then a long-limbed, slim form sat down beside him. Luffy crossed his ankles, and then crossed his hands and slipped them behind his head, looking up at the sky.
The silence stretched on and on, comfortable and safe.
Zoro blinked slowly. He was tired, raw, and empty.
"Sorry," he mumbled. "I wasn't even that scared when it happened. Don't know why I would be now."
"Because you were too busy before."
Zoro turned his head, frowning. "What?"
Luffy popped up and crossed his legs, sitting up. His hands began to move. "When I was a kid, I liked to go adventuring by myself. Pretend I was a pirate, off to find treasure and discover new lands and wonders. This one time, I walked too far, and - I slipped down a bank, and I broke my leg."
Zoro listened, brows pulled together, not sure where Luffy was going.
"Snapped it right in half," the young man patted his leg right where the break must have happened. Then he tipped his head, his smile slow. "But I didn't feel it. Not a thing."
Zoro waited a beat. "And?" he finally asked.
"I walked back home!"
Zoro huffed in disbelief.
"But when I got there, when I saw my Mama and my Papa, suddenly my leg started hurting, so much it was like it had snapped just that second. It hurt and it hurt, and I just dropped, right there, in the yard, screaming my head off." Luffy played with the fringe of his pants, his smile still there, his eyes dark and deep and understanding. "The doctor told me that when I was hurt, my brain knew I was in trouble, that I was alone and had no one to help me. So it ignored the pain, like a post office that ignores letters and lets them just build up. It didn't turn back on the feeling until I got back to where there were people to help me. Back to where I was safe. See, if I had felt that pain while I was alone, I wouldn't have been able to make it back home. I was too busy surviving, and had no time to feel the pain. But when I got home, I wasn't busy anymore. I had to feel it, all of the pain that had built up. Like a post office that finally opens and has all those letters to deal with."
Zoro crossed his arms, closing himself against the damp chill of the morning. Listening to his captain's voice. When Luffy paused he looked up again, and met Luffy's eyes.
And Luffy smiled. The wide, slow, reassuring smile that let you know everything was all right. The smile that made you believe him.
"See? You were just busy. You were busy protecting Babbi, and keeping her quiet so the slavers wouldn't hurt her. You didn't have time to feel afraid, or angry, or hurt, or sad." The smile dropped a little, and Luffy blinked. "But now Zoro's safe. You're not busy anymore. All the feelings you had to ignore before - you have the time to feel them now."
It made sense. It made so much sense that his chest ached, and moisture that didn't usually make it to his eyes rose up, and he had to lift his gaze and blink. "I've been through crap before," he rasped.
"But only with Zoro. And Zoro's pretty good about taking care of himself. He just sits back and waits for a chance to use his swords, and then BAM! Zoro's free. Easy peasy." The pride in the voice was unmistakable.
"But it wasn't just me this time."
"No." There was that sad note again. That solemnity. "This time, you had Babbi."
No sitting back and closing his eyes and sleeping till an opportunity presented itself, or his crew arrived. No ignoring the threats and insults because really, what could they do to him, the Demon Pirate Hunter?
No. This time it had been constant vigilance, constant danger, with someone who couldn't take care of themself, who depended on him, who the slavers very much could do something to if he wasn't on his guard every single second.
"Can't I just skip this part? I've got five weeks of backlog," Zoro groused, only half joking. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "It sucks."
Luffy settled back again, this time with his shoulder crammed against Zoro's. "I asked my Mama and Papa that," he said, and his brows furrowed as he crossed his arms. "They told me no."
"Well, a broken leg is going to hurt."
"I asked them to knock me out. Pff." The scoff was incredulous and offended, as if not knocking out their young nine-year old son was a grievous and unforgivable act.
Zoro chuckled behind his hands.
Luffy's curls tickled his skin, the weight of a head dropping onto his shoulder. "It's okay. We'll be here while Zoro's heart catches up from then to now."
He dropped his hands, and crossed his arms again, settling with the weight of his rubber captain on his side. His throat felt tight. Finally, he whispered. "I'm sorry I'm not stronger."
"Ha. Zoro's the strongest man I know." Luffy's voice was just as soft, but somehow the words rang in Zoro's ears as clear and as loud as a bell. "I'm proud of my Zoro."
