Chapter 22 – Forever Couldn't Break Up

Author's Note: Guess who FINALLY talk? :D

The epilogue is tomorrow! ^-^

~ Amina Gila

The night air of Ryloth is cool and humid as Crosshair steps off the ramp of the Marauder. He pauses for a moment, looking up at the moons overhead before bracing himself against the side of their ship, climbing onto the top. It's a good place, close enough to be near the others, but high enough away from them that he feels alone.

And he needs to feel alone right now. He needs to sort through his thoughts without the presence of anyone else. He – he… doesn't know how to feel about everything he just heard, about everything that's happened, for that matter. It's all too much, and he – he needs a moment to himself, to pull himself back together.

He lays back on the cool durasteel, feeling the coolness of it through his body glove – they took their armor off earlier, and he hadn't stopped to get it or any weapons before leaving. He's close enough that he'll be fine up here, even if he feels strangely exposed without any armor or weapons next to him.

But they're safe here. The Empire isn't likely to locate them all the way up here, hidden in a hideout that only Syndulla and his closest allies know about. And it's not as if they're planning to stay here for long.

Crosshair closes his eyes, inhaling a deep breath of the fresh, cool air, but it does little to quell the ache deep in his heart. He hurts. He can't even fully put into words why or what it is that's affecting him so deeply. Everything maybe. Or maybe seeing the way Hunter's been hurt, knowing that everything his brother went through is because of him.

Maybe it wasn't his fault, and he doubts it truly was, but it still hurts.

(Maybe it's actually the knowledge that it wasn't, because he knows it couldn't have been.)

When he was under the control of the chip, he hadn't even realized anything was amiss. Everything had felt so clear to him, so simple, and he'd followed Hunter's orders blindly. The first hesitation that he had was when Hunter told him to kill Taa instead of merely injuring him. But he'd convinced himself that Hunter knew what he was doing, and the result Rampart wanted would be the same – more or less, that is – so it wouldn't matter.

He's killed people before, and it doesn't really phase him that he's done so again, even under the control of his inhibitor chip. It's – no, it's that he could have been turned against his brothers so easily, if just one or two little things had been different. And thinking about it, about how he could have lifted a weapon against them, intending to kill, makes him sick, because he can understand it now in a way that he couldn't before.

Even if he's free now, his mind totally his own, that – it doesn't erase the could-have-been's, and it doesn't wipe away the sick sense of dread inside him.

It's a while before he hears footsteps on the ramp, and from the heaviness of them, he knows it's Echo. "Crosshair?" the ARC trooper calls out.

He grunts. "Up top," he answers, not sitting up. He doesn't want to move right now.

There's shuffling below, the sound of the ramp closing, for all the good it will do if Hunter really wants to listen. Echo can't get up here – he doesn't have the agility anymore – and they'll be talking loud enough that, if the ramp was open, everyone would probably hear them. "Are you okay?" Echo asks, after a brief pause of silence.

Crosshair chews on his lip, wishing he'd thought to bring a toothpick with him. "Mm," he says, "I will be." He believes that, firmly, because at some point, these thoughts and feelings will stop haunting him, and they'll all be able to move on, but right now, it's… hard. He misses the days when everything was simple.

(He doesn't know how to accept that the Empire used him as a weapon. But then, he's always been a weapon. The Republic just wasn't so blatant about it.)

"What's on your mind?" Echo queries.

"So much has changed," Crosshair answers, resigned, staring up at the stars, picking out constellations that he knows. He's… tired. "And it feels like…" He trails off, not knowing how to put any of the complicated feelings inside him into words, when he doesn't even understand them himself. Maybe if he stares at the stars a little longer, it'll help him make sense of what the him of Hunter's time might have been thinking or feeling.

"Like?" he prompts.

"I don't know," he murmurs, sighing.

"You good with Hunter coming out here?" Echo asks finally. Crosshair had almost been suspecting that question from the start; he was a little surprised Hunter didn't come, but it makes sense that he sent Echo to test the waters, so to speak, to see if Crosshair still needed to be alone. He does want to be alone, but he also doesn't, and it's… confusing.

"Mm." He's not going to say 'yes' to that, even if he does want Hunter's familiar, grounding presence next to him right now.

The ramp lowers, and Echo boards the Marauder again. There's the faint sound of talking before Hunter comes out, climbing onto the top of the ship the way Crosshair did. For a moment, they look at each other, and Crosshair sits up, scooting over enough to give Hunter more room.

"I'm sorry," Hunter blurts out. He's not quite looking at Crosshair as he says it, something tortured on his face.

Crosshair studies him, watching his expression change. Despite the darkness, he can still see Hunter clearly enough to read him, and the primary thing he's seeing now is guilt. "What for?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. "Did you do something that I need to know about?" The weak attempt at levity falls flat though.

"I didn't see what the Empire was doing to us," he says, meeting Crosshair's eyes. "I – I should have, but I didn't."

"There's nothing you could have done," Crosshair points out, "And it's in the past now." It's true for him. He's not upset at Hunter for it – it wasn't his fault. Just because he knew more about the chips, that doesn't make him impermeable to their effects.

Hunter shakes his head. "I would have realized it," he admits, "But… I was too afraid." He sucks in a breath, obviously uncomfortable with talking about this. Crosshair doesn't know how he feels, either, hearing it. Hunter is – he's their leader. He's always been so strong, even if he changed after the time travel, becoming much more insecure. It's strange to see him questioning himself, admitting to faults or weaknesses. "I didn't – I was afraid to lose any of you again, and I – it was affecting my judgment."

"Hunter," he says, more sharply than he means to, but really, Hunter obsessing over what he thinks he did wrong is pointless. It will change nothing. "Of course, you were afraid. Anyone would be. If you're looking for me to forgive you for what you think you did wrong, I can't, because you didn't hurt me. You did what you could in the situation you ended up in. We're here. We're free. You need to forgive yourself."

And, he suspects, this is about more than what just happened now; he can see it in Hunter's eyes, the guilt and pain, and it's the same shadows that have been accompanying him since the beginning, since he first woke up here. He's not sure if Hunter is ready or able to admit that, though, much less let it go.

**w**

Crosshair… has a point. He's right, too, even if Hunter has a hard time admitting it. "I don't know if I can," he states matter-of-factly. It's strange to speak so openly about himself, or at least it used to be, but Hunter desperately wants them all to sort this out. He's tired of feeling so – like he's incapable of leading them, and he – even if he stays as their leader, they need to know why he's so uncertain about it. "I failed you, all of you, and I know it hasn't happened here, but I still lived it. It was real to me."

And now that he's started talking, he can't stop. "I – I left him behind. We left him behind, and it – it was for nothing. He – he still had his chip in, I think." Because now that he starts thinking about it, actually thinking about it, he… wonders. The Crosshair he knew when they were young, and the one he has in front of him now, are nothing like the one he faced on Kamino, and given his very personal experience with how the chips work, he could see how Crosshair could have acted as he was, because of the chip.

But… then why did he flat out lie about it? That's the one thing which confuses him. Why would he lie? Why wouldn't he – did he really think he wanted to hurt them so much that he wasn't trying to stop it or even accept that there could be a way to stop it? He doesn't understand that because he never felt that way towards any of them. All he felt was a fierce, blinding protectiveness and the terror that he could lose them if he didn't step carefully.

Crosshair twitches at the words, turning away, crossing his arms. Hunter doesn't need to see his face to know that his eyes are narrowed as he stares out at the trees. He's upset by something, and that was the reason why he came up here in the first place.

He shifts closer, close enough that he can feel the heat of his younger brother's body and smell the smoky-foggy scent of him. "What's on your mind?" he queries, a bit awkwardly. They don't normally do this – talk about emotions – and Hunter doesn't really know how to reach out to Crosshair, especially after the way everything spiraled and fell in the once future. He – it's much easier for him to be around him now, thankfully, but… he still struggles with accepting him the way he once did.

After Kamino, Hunter had to learn to let go of Crosshair, to stop feeling responsible for him, because it would have destroyed him to try and cling to the brother who he thought had chosen to walk away. But he didn't, did he? This would be so much easier if he could know.

"Do you think he lied to you about the chip?" Crosshair inquires finally, glancing back at him. Hunter can see the gleam in his eyes, the way they have an unnatural shine to them because of their enhancement. They'll glow sometimes, if the lighting is right and if it's dark, like right now.

He doesn't need to specify who the 'he' is, and Hunter sighs. "It hurts to think he did," he admits, running a hand through his hair and straightening his bandana when he accidentally tugs it out of place. "I – I can't really understand why he would have, and if he did… then we left him again."

Crosshair huffs. "It's not that complicated," he states, the faintest thread of bitterness in his voice. "Maybe you just don't want to understand."

Hunter jerks, taken aback by the accusation. "Why would you say that?"

"You're protecting yourself," the sniper answers flatly. "The chip didn't… change who I am." There's hurt in his voice, too, now, and Hunter reaches out instinctively, touching Crosshair's shoulder. Maybe he is trying to protect himself by not understanding, but he wants to understand. Their eyes meet, and Hunter can see the faintest traces of pain in his eyes. He's hurting, and even if the truth will hurt Hunter, too, he needs to know.

"Tell me," he requests, and pain flashes across Crosshair's face, before he looks away, visibly steeling himself against it and clenching his hands. He can hear the way his younger brother's breathing falters as he swallows back a quiet noise, and Hunter silently holds out an arm to let Crosshair come closer if that's what he wants – needs.

They were trained not to show weaknesses, and that includes indulging in any extended displays of physical affection, or really, anything beyond a pat on the shoulder or something. But just because they were trained that way, doesn't mean they don't still… want more sometimes, and Hunter isn't above hugging one of his brothers if he thinks they need it, especially now that he's grown more accustomed to being free with such things.

And Crosshair, he knows, is very tactile by nature, often seeking out physical contact to reassure or ground himself if he's struggling.

He hesitates for a long moment before leaning closer, letting Hunter pull him into his arms and curling against his chest, resting his head on Hunter's shoulder. Hunter tightens his grip, a wave of protectiveness and affection rising up as Crosshair slides his arms around Hunter's waist and clings to him. And even though none of them are cadets anymore, in moments like this, Hunter can't see Crosshair as anything other than a child in desperate need of comfort – especially after having raised Omega for so long – so he just holds him and waits, knowing that Crosshair will talk when he's ready.

A minute shudder runs through Crosshair, and he presses closer, exhaling shakily. He – is he… crying? Hunter tries not to panic at that possibility and begins to rub soothing circles on his younger brother's back. Crosshair almost never cries, not anymore, and the thought of him being hurt or upset enough to do so fills Hunter with a certain helpless rage and a need to make it right.

"I – how could you really have thought I'd hurt you of my own?" asks Crosshair raggedly, and yes, he's definitely crying now. "We grew up together, Hunter."

And Hunter… doesn't know what to say to that. He doesn't know of any explanation that wouldn't feel like an excuse, even to him. "I don't know how the chips work," he answers finally, idly stroking a hand through Crosshair's gray hair, holding him close. "I didn't understand it then, and I don't now, either."

"When – when I was… under the chip, I felt nothing," Crosshair confesses, voice raw. "I followed orders because that's what we've always been trained to do. That's what I knew to do."

"I – I don't understand why he…" tried to kill me, us. He can't finish the sentence, but he probably doesn't need to. "He wasn't – he was different than before." He blinks as tears blur his eyes, and they escape down his face, but he makes no move to wipe them away, not as Crosshair stifles what's probably a sob.

"If I wanted you dead, you would be. Not that it wouldn't be justified."

He doesn't understand, but he desperately needs to.

"He wanted us to join him, but he wouldn't join us when I offered," Hunter says, still trying to sort through what could have been going through Crosshair's mind then. The only one who can answer is Crosshair himself. "I know he was upset that we left him, but… I don't – I'm not sure if that factored into his decision."

"We're loyal to each other, not some Empire."

"You weren't loyal to me. I was one of you. You may have forgotten, but I haven't."

He needs to understand. Crosshair is right. They grew up together. The chips can't wipe away those years of brotherhood, no matter how they work, so why…?

"If I hurt you, I would never forgive myself," Crosshair whispers brokenly, "And when I woke up from the surgery and realized what had happened, I knew how easy it would have been. If I'd been pointed at Echo, I would have gone after him. I would have hurt him if I thought it would protect you. And if you – if you'd been gone… I'd have followed orders because that's what we were told to do." He inhales a choked sob, and Hunter tightens his grip so much it must be nearly painful, but he can't let go of Crosshair anymore than he can stop his own tears from falling.

"It felt like me, Hunter," he continues, voice shaking, "The whole time. It felt like me, and I only knew it was the chip, because you'd been so certain about it. If – you said he seemed different. If it was damaged or wearing off… I'd have hurt you, and I wouldn't have been able to understand how I could have done that, or if it would even be safe for you to have me there."

Oh Force.

"We were brothers once. We can be again."

… Hunter still isn't sure what was him or what was the chip, and if he was in Crosshair's place, and he had gone after his brothers? He'd never be able to forgive himself either. On Kamino, Crosshair kept sending mixed signals, and Hunter was starting to question if he cared by the time that it was over. He fought them, again and again, and it was beginning to seem as though it was by choice, but now, with Crosshair sobbing in his arms – albeit one who didn't go through that – Hunter doesn't know how he ever could have questioned it.

(Crosshair saved Omega there, even if he didn't have to, and he'd looked so bitter afterward, so sullen. And that was right after he'd been castigating Hunter for making the wrong choice and trying to kill him. Crosshair, on Kamino, hadn't made sense.)

"You offered us a chance, Crosshair. This is yours."

"I made my decision."

But as he thinks about it, he can see how the Crosshair he's always known would be trying to make sense of the thoughts in his head that felt like him, even if they weren't, fighting against the emotional deadness the chip gave him as the protective instincts he'd cultivated over so many years of brotherhood were aroused. He can see why Crosshair might not have understood what was happening to him, and so, he'd pushed them away, away from him, because he thought it would be safer for them. He's always been so good at seeing them, and if any of them could manipulate the others into getting what he wants, it would be Crosshair.

It hurts. It hurts, and a part of him wishes desperately that he could see the Crosshair who left them again, if only to tell him that he doesn't need to leave to protect them, because they're brothers, and they can figure it out together.

They've always been strongest when they're together. Always.

He tries – and ultimately fails – to swallow down a sob of his own before it can escape. "I failed him," he manages to say, because of everything in his head right now, that thought, that truth is crystal clear. "He – I would never have wanted him to do that."

"Plan 99," Crosshair says. "You know I'd die for you."

"But you're not supposed to," Hunter grinds out, and the mere thought of losing Crosshair – or any of them – is enough to paralyze him with fear. "I can't lose you again, Crosshair. I couldn't survive that." And he means every word of it. Maybe he wouldn't actually die, but he'd die in every way that matters.

"Funny," he deadpans huffing out a half-chuckle that's only partially real, "I could say the same to you."

Hunter exhales a shaky breath. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Mm. Neither am I." And, as if to prove it, he snuggles closer so he's half in Hunter's lap.

Somehow, Hunter feels calmer, and he reaches up to swipe away his tears, before returning his hand to stroke through Crosshair's hair to calm him. He – he hasn't felt this calm and at peace since before Kaller. Losing Crosshair was losing a piece of himself, and he didn't know exactly how desperately he missed and needed him until now that he has him back. "You know I love you, right?"

Crosshair breathes out a laugh. "Yeah. And so you don't doubt it, I love you, too."

It's been a long time since he's felt as close to Crosshair as he does now. He didn't think he'd ever truly feel whole again, after Kamino, but now… he does. Maybe he'll still struggle with the things he went through in the once-future, but he's not alone. They're all together, and they're going to be okay.

This, Hunter thinks, is what it means to be free.

Happy.

Loved.

Final Notes: Reviews are always appreciated! ^-^

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