You looked at me with a glimmer of confusion and surprise in your eyes.
"You… love me? What is love, exactly?"
You glared at me with hurt and betrayal.
"Ye Xiwu, you dare hurt me for this demon?"
Your eyes, though cold, burned with hate and resentment.
"Ye Xiwu, I thought then that it was my fault. Now, I understand that it's not me who is at fault, but the world!"
Your bloody arm wrapped around me as we hid from the Jing Kingdom soldiers looking for us.
"You should save yourself. Take me to them and exchange me with your freedom."
You smiled at me as you showed me around the royal tombstones.
"I give you the chance to pick a place where you want to be buried."
You kissed me gently, that wedding night, which almost made me waver in my resolve to strike you with the Soul-slaying Nails.
I heard your footsteps from the doorway, and I knew you were watching over me in the Cold Palace.
You looked at me with pain as I pleaded with the heavens to never meet you again in any life.
I heard your heart break in your words. "Ye Xiwu, are you abandoning me too?"
I couldn't forget you. That short span of time I lived as Ye Xiwu was unforgettable because of you. All the memories I had of living as Li Susu before the Light-breaking Array sent me back returned to me, the story of a life before you and without you, but still, my memories of you held fast.
Nirvana couldn't burn my memory of your face, the way you looked at me, the way you loved me. Heartless Way can't help me forget how I felt when I saw your face, when I held your hand, and when I touched you.
So I gave up, and decided to forsake the Heartless Way to marry you.
Your face lit up in happiness as I said yes. You caught me up in your arms as if I was a mere feather, laughing in glee all the while. You said all the nicest things that I never thought you'd say, displaying in full the depth of your learning in Xiaoyao Sect. And I never thought I could be happier with you by my side for all eternity.
Why couldn't time just stop there? Why couldn't we simply stay together like that for all eternity?
If I couldn't forget you, then why did I give you up?
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The birth of the Devil God's daughter, Tantai Zimi, was a jubilant cause for celebration. All demons gathered in front of the Demon Palace, eagerly awaiting for the news about the safe delivery of the goddess who carried her. When it came, every demon within a mile of the Palace wept in joy, clutching each other's arms and rejoicing over the fact that the blood of the Devil God indeed lives on. Her birth marked a hope within the Demon Realm that somehow, somewhere, the Devil God watched over the realm with a benevolent eye.
Five hundred years had already passed since then. By this time, the little princess should have grown into a woman already, as the demon blood in her should have accelerated her growth like so many demon children did. But whenever any of the Devil God's lieutenants, Si Ying, Jing Mie, or Mo Nv go in an excursion into town, the demons always see a child around five years old in human age with them. That same child would also be seen on the hip of the Devil God's wife, Goddess Li Susu.
As they saw more of the child, the demons realized that their princess inherited her mother's phoenix blood as well: notoriously slow in physically maturing, but astounding in cultivation, whether demon or immortal. That certainly piqued many a demon who caught a glimpse of the demon princess, and they wondered how exactly she would continue her father's legacy in protecting the realm.
Tantai Zimi, or Ami, as her aunts and uncle fondly called her (depending on her many moods, of course) was oblivious of the demons' fascination of her, however. She acted like a child should, running as much as her little legs would allow around the Demon Palace, startling servants and guards alike. She clapped her hands in glee and laughed aloud whenever her mother or any of her aunts and uncle invited the circus troupe inside the palace to entertain the little princess. To induce that bright sparkle in her eyes was always the goal of the entertainers, and to be bestowed with her most brilliant smile the ultimate reward.
To her playmates, however, Tantai Zimi was a well-known bully. The demon children who were the same age as her remember all the pranks she had played or led others to play on them, and were helpless to stop the same pranks from happening to every new set of demon children who came to play with her. The Devil God's lieutenants and the goddess were constantly put to task appeasing the parents who came to complain about the demon princess. When asked, Ami would simply put on her most mischievous smile and run away. But rascal though she might be, she knows how to feel remorse. Soon after the prank, the aggrieved party would find a gift of sweet cakes or glittery toys, delivered on their doorstep by a mysterious dark-haired fairy. That is why despite all the pains they endure under the little tyrant's rule, the demon children all still love their princess.
There was just one word that all the demon children learned to avoid in the presence of Ami, a word which little Chun Hua of the Bear family had the misfortune to utter.
"TANTAI ZIMI! WHERE ARE YOU?!" Mo Nv bellowed throughout the Demon Palace. The palace servants skittered like aimless ants in fear of the drought demoness' anger. She caught one, however, and forced him to answer her.
"T…the D-Demon Rock, m-my lady," the terrified servant replied. Mo Nv let him go, and started to stomp towards the path to the little rascal's favorite haunt.
"Mo Nv, what's the matter?" Li Susu walked into the palace hall and called out to the drought demoness. Mo Nv stopped in her tracks and turned to look at the goddess who they haven't seen for quite some time.
"Li Susu, you're back," Mo Nv muttered as Li Susu walked towards her. Angry as she was with Ami, Mo Nv couldn't bear to tell Li Susu the reason why Ami was in trouble this time. Not now, anyway, that she's obviously come back from another fruitless search for Tantai Jin's soul. She could easily see it from the defeated hunch on Li Susu's shoulders, the heaviness of her steps, and the emptiness in her eyes.
But Li Susu also sensed Mo Nv was hiding something, even without using her goddess powers. "What has Ami done now?" she asked, a bit resigned with the constant trouble that she knew Ami got into.
"Nothing we don't already know," Mo Nv replied. "Let me talk to the little rascal and get her to sort it out herself." She turned to the palace doors, but Li Susu held her back.
"Let me talk to her," Li Susu said, holding Mo Nv's arm. "I've been away longer than usual this time, so I better see her as soon as I can."
"Li Susu—" Mo Nv tried to prevent her, but Li Susu merely smiled and walked past her out the palace doors.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tantai Zimi climbed the highest tree she could find at the mountain called Demon's Rock, so called because it was the mountain that the Devil God Tantai Jin first created with the Ancient Demon God's powers.
Or so the stories say. It has been so long ago that stories about the Devil God vary from person to person. Some say he was a monster who devoured his own mother as soon as she gave birth to him. Some say he was a fearsome demon cultivator who knew how to use the dark magic ever since he was a baby. Still, others say he was the Ancient Demon God incarnate who could have defeated all the immortals in one swoop had it not been for the goddess Li Susu's intervention. With his ultimate weapons, the God-Slaying Crossbow, the Sky-Slashing Sword, and the Bone-Refining Seal, he created the All-in-Distress Way that almost destroyed the realms, establishing once and for all the might of the Demon Realm.
All stories agree, though, that his love for the goddess Susu led him to create the Way of Compassion that improved the lives of the demons. He may have dissipated from this earth, but his energy nourished the demon veins that kept the Demon Realm alive and flourishing, the reason why Ami could have playmates, and why the demons could cultivate well. He was the Demon Realm's hope, and every demon she ever knew always prayed for him to come back to the realm again.
But not Ami. That brat Chun Hua's words still rang in her ears.
"If the Demon God really is your father, then why did he leave you and your mother?"
She punished her with a smack in the face. She made that brat's nose bleed. She would have done more had not Ping, Jing Mie's son, held her back and away from the crowd that had gathered. She quickly fled to Demon's Rock, waiting for Mo Nv to scold her into oblivion again.
Ami hugged her knees to her chest. Thinking about Mo Nv's scolding made her involuntarily sob.
"Who is that squirrel up in that tree?" A voice called out to Ami. She raised her eyes and looked down. Li Susu was smiling up at her. "I did wonder how a squirrel can make such a sound. I never thought it would just be a silly lamb."
"Mother!" Ami quickly leapt down from her perch at the highest branch, and landed softly into Li Susu's arms. "I missed you."
Li Susu smiled into her daughter's hair. "I missed you too, my love," she whispered.
In her mother's arms, Ami regressed into the child that she physically looked. "You've been gone a long time this time, Mama," she pouted childishly.
"I know, my pet," Li Susu said. "I'll try not to be next time." She set the child down on the ground. "Now, tell me what you've been up to."
Mother and daughter settled on their usual haunt at Demon's Rock, a cliff that offered the best view of the Demon Realm. Being the goddesses that they were, they were unbothered that they were dangling their legs over the edge of the cliff, high above the forests that grew beneath.
"…and then Lian Hua gave me something the mortals called candy, which was soooo sweet I thought I was tasting heaven!" When prompted, Ami chatted nonstop about anything and everything, and Li Susu could only smile and nod and shake her head at her daughter's chatter.
"Tanghulu is always great, but heaven? I think that's an exaggeration," Li Susu said.
"It's not tanghulu, it's hard, sweet, sugar candy that Lian Hua's dad—" Ami abruptly stopped, and with rounded eyes, stared at Li Susu, then clapped her hands to her mouth. She looked down, away from Li Susu, and said softly, "I'm sorry mom."
Li Susu looked at her daughter who looked so downcast and apologetic, completely different from the bubbly, chatty little girl a mere seconds ago. It broke her heart, that just because of a word…
"Is this why you punched Chun Hua?" Li Susu asked in a low voice.
Ami's eyes grew round. "How did—" she started to say, then winced. "Aunt Mo Nv told you."
"Ami…" Li Susu started, but faltered when Ami moved away from her. "Ami…"
"I'm just so sick and tired of people telling me how nice my father is when I've never even seen him," Ami burst out, tears trickling down her face. "I hate it when people say I look like my dad, I sound like my dad, I act like my dad, when I don't even know who he is!" Ami's little fists tightened at her sides. "Si Ying, Jing Mie, and even aunt Mo Nv sometimes, though she hides it… they all look at me with pity in their eyes, because I have no father, and sometimes, I don't even have a mother—" She hiccupped, and instead of continuing, she buried her face in her hands.
For the second time in her life, Li Susu felt helpless as she watched her daughter cry. Two hundred years ago, when she had first decided to look for Tantai Jin's soul, she thought she had the right intention, to bring back the father who was stolen from her. But she should have listened to Mo Nv when she questioned those intentions.
Mo Nv found Li Susu standing in front of the Demon Palace gates, looking down at the nearby town settled near the slopes of the Demon Mountain. "Ami is finally asleep, the rascal," she said fondly as she joined her sister. "I love that kid, but she is exhausting to look after. She pulls a lot of pranks that Si Ying had almost resorted to outright violence just to put a stop to them. Can you believe that rascal even dared to poke the Great Snake in the eye just to make sure it really had red eyes?"
Li Susu merely smiled at Mo Nv. Her pensive smile struck something in Mo Nv, and she asked, hesitantly, "What's wrong, Susu?"
Li Susu sighed, and turned her melancholic eyes to Mo Nv. "Take care of the realm and our Ami while I'm gone, okay?" she said.
"Where are you going?" Mo Nv asked, but in her heart, she knew. Even when Li Susu didn't answer, she knew. She gripped Li Susu's arm. "Where are you going, Li Susu?" she still asked, not believing that the upright Li Susu would dare abandon everyone.
Li Susu did not reply. She kept her face hidden from Mo Nv, but having been Li Susu's constant companion for so long, Mo Nv could now easily read her, and know her feelings. "Li Susu, you've done a lot already for the Demon Realm," she said desperately. "You've given back its dignity and its proper place amongst the realms. Knowing that you protect all demons, we could now venture out into the other realms without fear. You've dispensed justice fairly towards demons and immortals alike, and you've taught us how to coexist peacefully with the immortals and mortals above. You've even brought sunlight into the Demon Realm, when we have only known night and twilight in our demon skies." She gripped Li Susu's other arm and forced her to look at her. "You've done a lot that you can be proud of, protected Tantai Jin's legacy the best that you can. Why do you have to leave?"
Li Susu still didn't respond. "Could you really bear to leave Ami like this?" Mo Nv asked, staring hard at Li Susu, who still couldn't meet her eyes. "She may be the demon princess, a powerful goddess even, but she is still a little girl who needs her mother."
"Ami needs her father too," Li Susu whispered, looking up at Mo Nv finally, with tears in her eyes. "I'm leaving her so that I can find him for her."
Mo Nv's grip on Li Susu's arm tightened. "Until now, you still hold out hope he's out there?" she asked, pity creeping into her tone. Li Susu looked at her, her glance speaking her answer to the question. Mo Nv sighed. "He's a god, Li Susu. A god doesn't reincarnate. You've seen that in Tantai Jin's memories of Ming Ye. He is everywhere, and yet nowhere at the same time. You don't even know where to start."
Li Susu looked at Mo Nv. "I can't sit still and simply wait for him to come back," she said. "I have to try finding him, and I know where to start." She turned away from her and looked into the horizon. "If anything else, I have to try there."
Mo Nv looked at the determined set of Li Susu's jaw. "Are you really doing this for her or for you?"
Li Susu didn't answer.
Li Susu gathered her daughter, her precious daughter, into her arms and embraced her tightly. "I'm sorry, Ami, my love, I'm sorry," she said, over and over, as Tantai Zimi, the powerful child of the goddess and the Devil God, broke down in her mother's arms and cried. The little girl wept like the child that she really was, a child who needed the love of her mother and who needed to know who her father was, and who had felt so alone despite the love and care of the people around her.
Both mother and daughter cried in each other's arms, tears falling for the one who should have been with them.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"My Ami, I'm going to tell you a story."
Li Susu and Ami sat on a flat rock near the banks of the Mohe River. They had just finished watching and joining in the Water Festival of the Jing Kingdom, and a quiet talk beside the river was badly needed.
Li Susu looked down at Ami, who still had traces of sugar on her lips which she was currently licking. She smiled, and wiped off a remnant of sugar that Ami's tongue didn't reach. "Did you enjoy the festival?"
Ami nodded. "I did," she replied, smiling. "The dance between the Devil God and the goddess was really beautiful."
Li Susu couldn't take her eyes away from Ami's smile. Tantai Jin had the same smile when they first danced at the pagoda, and when they were watching the parade for the second time as immortals. Why did I ever think about leaving you, my Ami, when Tantai Jin lives in you? she thought, as tears unexpectedly sprang into her eyes. She had to blink the tears away before Ami could notice.
"When he was the Jing emperor, your father and I snuck into the market to watch the parade," Li Susu said. "But the diviner unerringly chose him as the Devil God, and called him up into the pagoda."
"Then you were called as the goddess, weren't you, mother?" Ami chimed.
Li Susu kissed Ami's cheek. "Very good, you clever girl!" she said, and Ami looked pleased with herself.
"Tell me more!" Ami eagerly said.
Li Susu pointed at the river in front of her. "Long ago, this river was once full of little clams," she began. "Deep in the river, there lived a clam princess."
"A beautiful clam princess?" Ami supplied.
Li Susu smiled. "Of course she is," she said. "One day, she saw the invincible and handsome God of War."
"A God of War? He must be as awesome as my dad," Ami added.
Li Susu nodded, her smile never leaving her face. "Yes he is. Brave, resolute, and who loves the world very much," she said, looking over the sparkling clear water of the river.
Ming Ye and his nobility, Sang Jiu with her armor scale, and the glory of the Shangqing Realm seemed to come to life as Li Susu told Ami their story, from the beginning to end, the sweet and the bitter. As she told the story, Tantai Jin's words echoed back to her.
When love perishes, when hatred ends, and even our bodies perish, how can we prove that they truly existed?
Will our story be known to posterity?
Li Susu smiled down at Ami. Memories, Tantai Jin. Memories living on in the minds of the people our lives have touched. That's how we prove we have truly existed.
That's how we prove we truly loved.